What the H*** Are You? I’m a Leprechaun, Me Dear: Leprechaun (1993)


Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!!!

So most of you are going:

No, I’m not crazy. I know that this is October, Horrorfest VIII. But I couldn’t help it as this film has a Leprechaun and I watched it on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Tory: What the h*** are you?

Leprechaun: I’m a leprechaun, me dear.

So I have never watched this film prior to this time, I’d only seen Nostalgia Critic’s review of it. It never really interested me, but when we added it at the library I thought “what the heck, why not?”

This was probably the dumbest thing I have ever seen.

Warwick Davis plays the Leprechaun and I’m just why? This is a talented actor! Star Wars, Narnia, Willow, etc. You’re better than this.

Than this movie!

So the film starts off with Dan O’Grady returning from Ireland. He searched and caught a Leprechaun, stealing the Leprechaun’s gold.

The Leprechaun follows him, and is set on killing him, but kills the wife first. But in the midst of his planned murder spree-he stops for tea.

Now I love tea, but it just seems weird to me that he stopped for tea. At first it made me laugh, but then it made me realize how creepy this leprechaun is. Like he just legit murdered someone and then nonchalantly has tea time.

Or scones!

O’Grady outsmarts him and traps him in a chest, putting a four-leaf clover on it. Now the leprechaun is stuck in there until the clover comes off.

[Daniel O’Grady lays the four-leaf clover over the Leprechaun’s crate]

Daniel O’Grady: The power of this clover will keep you in there forever.

Leprechaun: [From inside the crate] Get that d*** clover off this crate. I told you, you couldn’t kill me. Where’s me gold, Danny, me boy? [Mr. O’Grady begins to hammer the crate shut] Oh, Danny, don’t strain yourself.[Mr. O’Grady then begins to pour gasoline over the crate] No, not gasoline. You can’t burn me, I won’t let ya. [the Leprechaun laughs] Don’t strain yourself. You’re not as young as you used to be. You might have a stroke. I curse ye for all eternity. I’ve traded me soul for me gold. You’ll trade your life. [the Leprechaun laughs]

O’Grady has a heart attack, and we flip to the next scene…

Jennifer Aniston is teenage (?) Tory. She is moving with her dad from LA to North Dakota, for reasons unknown. There is no character development, or personality (besides whines a lot) from her.

So anoying

OMG Jennifer Aniston calls where she is New Mexico and her dad said North Dakota-like those two look nothing alike. Ughhhhhh, I can already tell this will be a loooooooong movie.

Ugh!

They come to a beat up, dirty, nasty house that used to be the O’Grady home and the Dad bought it. So….how like much time has passed? I mean O’Grady is alive and in a nursing home, but it looks like it has been forgotten for 25 years. No, make that 50, like the Jumanji house looked way better.

I looked it up and it is ten years. Ten YEARS?! Seriously-it looks waaaay longer.

Time has not been kind to you.

So there is a group of three guys painting the house. I guess the dad hired them, I mean they never explain that, or why they are there-but I guess so.

Speaking of which, who are these guys. I mean I know they are painters, but are they brothers? Cousins? Why is that little kid with them and why isn’t he in school? Now that I mention school, when does this take place? Summer? What is going on?

So Nostalgia Critic and Cinema Snob call the one guy Tory likes Jim Carrey Kevin Bacon, and I have to say they are right. He’s like the no-name brand of a famous cereal.

OMG, I just realized the big guy is evil Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure! Francis the bike stealer. Better not trust him, once a bike stealer, always a bike stealer.

I loved PeeWee’s Grand Adventure, I used to watch the movie again and again. So hilarious. And much better than this one. But enough about that, back to the movie.

Do I have to?

Francis…I mean Ozzie accidentally knocks the clover off the box, which releases the Leprechaun.

Ozzie tells the rest outside but they don;t believe him.

And…wait a second, why is Jennifer Aniston Tory painting? This doesn’t make sense. With the little bit of her character we have had so far, there is no way she would be into that.

Ozzie spots a rainbow, and he and the little boy follows it finding the gold-Ozzie swallowing one-Really?

Alex: Hey, Ozzie. Do you know what this means?

Ozzie: We’re rich, and I can buy comics every week.

Alex: Yeah, but you know what else? We can get you an operation.

Ozzie: For what?

Alex: To make you smart. See we can go to the hospital and have them operate and fix your brain.

Ozzie: But – But I – I’m smart.

Alex: Yeah. Well, sort of. What I mean is we can make you real smart. That way, people won’t make fun of you.

An operation for your brain, that went dark. Who is this kid-jeez.

What the heck?

The Leprechaun hides under a truck and gropes Tory’s leg. She complains about it and her dad’s reaction is hilarious.

Tory: [Tory falls after something touches her leg from under the truck. Nathan comes to check on Tory] I thought that was you rubbing my leg.

Nathan Murphy: And you let me?

Tory: That’s not the point. Something was rubbing my leg, like caressing it. And it-it ran off over there.

J.D. Reding: It’s probably just an old possum, honey.

Tory: No, dad. That was not an animal. I know what it feels like when a man caresses my leg.

J.D. Reding: You do?

Really dad, I’m sure ANYONE could tell the difference between a possum which has CLAWS and a male hand.

You know what, imagine a movie about horrifying possums, like that would be the SCARIEST thing ever. You don’t know scared until you have had one of these ugly demon creatures hiss at you.

And do Possums even live in North Dakota, I would think it would be too cold…You know what-looking it up…It looks like only in the last few years have they been heading into North Dakota, and a very tiny population.

Hmmm?

The Leprechaun attacks the dad and he ends up in the hospital overnight. The leprechaun follows then attacks them on a tricycle.

A leprechaun on a tricycle-the least scariest thing ever. Seriously? Who green lighted this?

Jennifer…I mean Tori and the Kevin Bacon lookalike go to the hospital and then over to a diner, where Ozzie and the little boy Alex are supposed to meet them. Ozzie and Alex stop at a merchant’s office first, showing him the gold coins, leaving one with him.

Afterwards, the Leprechaun comes and he…

He pogo sticks him to death. Pogo Sticking the merchant to death-this is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

Ugh! Really!

And then after he kills him-he…he stops to clean his shoes!? WHO green-lighted this film? WHO?

We flip back to Jennifer Anniston complains again-this time about the diner food. I hate to agree with her-but the stuff discount KB is eating looks like dog food. I wouldn’t want it either.

Later, the Leprechaun drives one of those Barbie cars. Oh man, I wanted one of those so bad as a kid. Anyways… A cop pulls the Leprechaun over and I’m like how does a toy car even have lights to actually drive in the dark?

The Leprechaun kills him.

The Leprechaun goes back to the house and tosses it looking for his gold. And stops to shine shoes.

The crew comes back to the house and Discount Kevin Bacon says a bear could have messed up the house? Really? REALLY??? Have you seem what bears do-it would have been way more messed up. I mean you live in North Dakota, you should know what something looks like after a bear attacks it. Why is everyone in this movie so stupid? Oh wait, it is a stupid movie.

“I’m going to check out the bedrooms for where we will stay.” Why are they all staying at the house with Jennifer Aniston? Where do they usually live? Why is she okay with this? She doesn’t know these guys they could be crazy or rape her.

This movie!!!!

And was her dad really okay with this when he was freaking out over the leg thing earlier? Don’t these boys have their own home? Wouldn’t it have made more sense for her to stay at the hospital or a motel rather than go home for the night in a beat up house in the middle of nowhere?

I’m done

Discount KB gets caught in a bear trap and they have a stupid fight with a leprechaun. Basically whack-a-mole with a leprechaun.

I’m out!

They all run to the car, which won’t work because of the leprechaun who dismantled the battery. They are trapped inside it when he comes chasing after them in a car with a pitchfork attached.

First, usually the monster is attacked with the pitchfork so I guess trying to do irony or something.

Huh?

And second, all I can think is that he is a little man in a kid’s car. Like, he seriously can’t be stopped. I mean he’s the size of a toddler. And he manages to knock the truck over? Seriously. This movie is sooooooo dumb!!!!

Or plot!

They escape to the house and slam the door on his hand-making him loose it. Tori then goes out with a gun (even though she’s never shot anything before.) And gives the gold to the Leprechaun.

She asks what he is, and I know it is dark, and your character has already been established as not smart, but really? Really? Really?

Leprechaun counts the gold and realizes one is missing,

They open the fridge-no freezer so I don’t know how this is possible-for ice and the leprechaun is inside. Well if he can transport into buildings-why didn’t he do that earlier. Why didn’t he just get them in the truck or come in the house hours ago. This movie makes no sense!!!! NO SENSE!!!!!

How I feel about this movie:

They try to call for help, but the Leprechaun takes over the phone copying Nightmare on Elm Street with his tongue.

EW!

They then throw shoes at the Leprechaun to escape to find Mr. O’Grady to figure out how to stop the Leprechaun. The Leprechaun actually stops to shine the shoes.

WHAT AM I WATCHING??!!

That little boy Alex is a total sicko and psycho-in-training. The next Norman Bates-the way he talks-just saying!

Killer

So they get to the hospital and the Leprechaun is there. If the Leprechaun was mending the shoes how did he get the hospital so fast? Magic powers? And if he has such powers WHY DIDN’T HE USE THEM EARlIER AND JUST KILL EVERYONE ALREADY

UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH, I’m so over this film. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!

Tori finds O’Grady and he tells her to find a four-leaf clover. She goes home…and where are the guys? Weren’t they all in a car together? Or are they still at the house. If they were at the house why didn’t the Leprechaun kill them as he wants the gold in Ozzie’s stomach? If they went with her, why didn’t they come back with her? I’m confused.

Tory goes to a green glowing clover patch. Now I’ve seen A LOT of movies, and glowing green-radiation right there. She’s going to become a giant shamrock woman or have earth-driven powers or something after touching these.

But not everyone knows how to wield it.

Of course not really, bur I’m sure that would be a waaaay better film.

So the Leprechaun transports himself and follows her. They get the four-leaf clover, kill the leprechaun, and then throw him in the well? Wow, You just poisoned the water supply.

And then gasoline? Do these people not care at all about the environment?

I’m out!

OMG I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING. THE LEPRECHAUN GETS THROWN IN THE WELL! WHAT IF HE IS REALLY?

Would be a better film, dontcha think?

Hmm…

All in all, it’s a DUUUUUUUUUUUUUMB Movie and I’m glad it’s over.

Yay!

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more leprechauns, go to Pot o’ Gold: 17 Irish Heroes

For more Nostalgia Critic, go to Ever Heard of the Tommyknockers?: The Tommyknockers (1993)

For more on Jennifer Anniston, go to Even Though You Are Only Using Me and Made Me Look Like a Jerk, I Only Care About Helping You: Picture Perfect (1997)

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