How To Survive A Horror Film

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With Halloween approaching and the number of Horror films increasing, I thought it would be a good time to write a post on how to survive a horror film, just in case you happen upon this situation ūüėČ . Most of us have heard of the “Randy Rules” in Scream (1996), but in this we are going to look a bit more in depth in how to successfully survive a horror film.

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1)¬†Do Not¬†Try Out Witchcraft, Ouija Boards, or any of the Occult for “Fun.” You Will Be Messing with Forces You Have No Control Over

It is never good to mess with the occult, play around with witchcraft, or use the ouija board. When you do such things you are opening a door to a lot of stuff you don’t want to mess with. Often you open yourself or others to demon possession or evil spirits. It is best to just stay far away from such things.

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2) Do Not Make Deals With the Devil, Demons, or Other Supernatural Beings

Never, ever make a deal with the devil. It is like trying to mess with the occult or witchcraft, you are opening yourself up to serious trouble, and the devil will not like to loose his quarry. Besides, the deals/wishes you make never turn out exactly as you hope.

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3) Anything and Everything Can be a Weapon

One of the things that bothers me the most is when people are surrounded by potential weapons and don’t use them. I mean look at¬†Scream (1996), when Tatum is in the garage and attacked by Ghostface, she tries to squeeze herself through a tiny hole to escape rather then use something, anything in the garage. I mean she is in a GARAGE!!! There are hundreds of potential weapons! USE THEM!!! That is one example, but seriously, use anything and everything.

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4)¬†Don’t Stop Assaulting Your Attacker Until You are Sure They Are Not Going to Get Up

Now this is huge. In horror movies, if the person is able to outwit the killer and knock them out, they usually just leave it at that and take off. DON’T! You knock that sucker out until you are sure they are no longer going to try to injure you. Break their legs if necessary. Because if you don’t, they are just going to recover and come after you.

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5) If Someone Gives You a Protective Charm Do Not Give It Away

I have mentioned this in Dracula (1931), The Mummy (1932), The Wolf Man (1941), Scream 2 (1997), and many more. If someone gives you some kind of charm that is supposed to help you and only work for you, DO NOT GIVE IT AWAY!!!! It will only work FOR YOU!!!! That is why it was given TO YOU!! And if you give it away you are just going to get yourself and the person you were trying to help in serious trouble. Keep it and protect yourself so that you can actually help others, instead of accidentally killing them.

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6) Sex = Death

As Randy says in Scream, Sex = Death. Never overlook the purity angle, it is like a protective charm. If you don’t do it, you are less likely to die.

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7) Doctors are Almost Always Evil

Sometimes Doctors can be good people, but if you are in a horror film, forget it; they are usually evil. Such as Dr. Hartz from The Lady Vanishes (1938), he seems kindly and trying to help, but in reality just wants the main character to think they are going crazy! Same thing in Dr. Hollingshead from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947). Then you have doctors who commit horrible things in the name of science; like We have Dr. Frankenstein (from any Frankenstein film) who tries to create life and can’t control his monster. Or ¬†there is Dr. Arthur Carrington from The Thing From Another World (1951),¬†who almost kills everyone as he doesn’t care about human life but scientific discovery is what matters. Not to mention Dr. Alfred Brandon from I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957), who experiments on teenage boy. And lets not forget Dr. Hannibal Lecter, who eats people. I could go on, but there are too many examples to choose from.

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8) Do Not Spend the Night in an Abandoned or Haunted House, Psychiatric Hospital, or Carnival

I mean seriously. Just do not go there. Nothing good will ever, ever, ever come of it! I mean look at¬†The Uninvited (1944), House on Haunted Hill (1959), House on Haunted Hill (1999), The Hunting (1963), The Haunting (1999),¬†etc. I could go on and on, but let’s continue with our list.

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9) If There is a Curse on Something Do Not Touch It

I know curses, many laugh at them; but of you are in a horror film and you see something that says it is cursed DON’T TOUCH IT! It is better to live another day then to have yourself face all kinds of horrors.

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10) Do Not Drink Any Potions or Test An Experiment On Yourself

NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER test a potion or try an experiment on yourself. It always ends badly! I mean you have¬†Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, The Fly, Batman’s Man-Bat he had to fight, even¬†Goosebumps did an episode where the dad ended up creating a plant clone of himself. I know many don’t like animal testing or get under the stress of trying to accomplish something; but just stop! Don’t test yourself or else something bad will be created.

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11) If There is a Murderer Running Around, Do Not Go Out and Party

This drives me crazy! A murderer is running around killing people and people decide to: 1) not take any precautions; 2) go about their lives like nothing is different; and 3) party. If there is a murderer running around, yes it is good to be in a group (rule 12 & 17) but you shouldn’t be out partying, drinking (rule 13) or putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

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12) Never Split Up

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NEVER, EVER, EVER go anywhere by yourself. There is power in numbers! As a group you could take a killer down, versus as a couple or single. When you split up, all you do us make it easier for someone to kill you.

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13) Do Not Do Drugs or Drink

While some of you might enjoy that type of thing it is never a good idea in a horror film. Anytime you try something that will keep you from thinking clearly, you are in serious trouble as you are likely to make bad decisions that will lead to your death. It is better to just say no.

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14) Always Call the Police

If you are being attacked, threatened, harassed, etc.; call the police. Don’t try and take care of it yourself, don’t try to investigate, call FOR BACKUP! That’s their job!!! They have guns and can make an arrest!

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15) Never Say “I’ll Be Right Back”

Unlike the Terminator here, you won’t be back. Uttering these words is signing a death warrant, as soon as they leave your lips you become next on the killer/creature’s hit list.

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16) Never Say “Who’s There?”

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Never say “who’s there”. If the person was a friend, they wouldn’t be skulking around your house in the first place, trying to scare you. Instead they would knock, ring the doorbell, or call out to you. The only type of person who would be¬†creeping in your house is one who intends on harming you. And if you call out “who’s there”, you’re just helping them find and kill you faster.

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17) Do Not Go Out to Investigate a Strange Noise

When you hear something strange outside, do not go out and look into it. You should wait for assistance or call in the police. If you try looking yourself, you are going to end up in a trap set by a monster, psychopath, murderer, etc. Besides, why unlock the door or turn off the alarm; allowing whatever is watching you the opportunity to come in and attack? Just stay inside snug like a bug.

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18) Do Not Use the Bathroom

Have you ever though of how vulnerable you are in the bathroom? Most have no windows¬†to flee from or they aren’t the most accessible. Some do, but for most the only easy way out is the door, which is where most attackers will come through. Plus the reason you would be in the bathroom; shower or toilet, you won’t have any weapons to help you and it would be extremely easy to kill you. If you are in a horror film, just hold it or stay stinky. You are more likely to live that way.

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19) Never Go Off By Yourself

Like I said before, the less people around you, the easier you are to kill. If you go off on your own to investigate, look around, run away; you are just putting a giant target on your back. Stay together, it is safer.

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20) Always Look Behind You and Above You

IT'S BEHIND!!!!!

IT’S BEHIND!!!!! from¬†The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

Always take a 360 degree look around you. They may be behind, they may be in front, they may even be above you. Search every angle!!!

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21) Be Nice, A Person Scorned or Mistreated Can Do Horror-ble Things

In horror movies, there are lots of people who have been bullied so much and hurt by others they end up becoming homicidal maniacs. And who do they tend to attack first? The last person to hurt them. Look at The Phantom of the Opera¬†(any version),¬†Carrie (1976), Hangman’s Curse (2003), Heathers (1985), etc.¬†So if you don’t want to end up being first on the hit list be kind to those you meet.

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22) If You Are a Girl Or Not White, Be Extra Cautious

Psychopaths and monsters love to kill/eat women and minorities. Because of this if you are either, or both; take extra steps to protect yourself. Be like Ben in Night of the Living Dead.

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23)¬†Don’t Trust Anyone, They Are All Suspects

People can tell you all kinds of things, but that doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. If you find yourself in a horror film, don’t trust anyone. And I mean ANYONE!

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24) Never Judge a Book By its Cover

Never judge a book by its cover. Someone who seems sweet, innocent, impossible to commit cruel acts, etc; could secretly have evil intentions lurking under the adorable facade. Always be watchful and once again, trust NO ONE!

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25) Children can Be Evil too, Never Rule Them Out

When trying to figure out who the murderer is, never overlook kids. I mean sure some will be obvious in their creepiness, such as the one pictured above, but there are many who look innocent and sweet but are actually evil. Don’t be fooled!

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26) Never Try to Create Life

NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER try to create Life. It just does not go the way you plan. You can’t control the beasts you create and they just run amuck everywhere. I mean look at¬†Frankenstein,¬†Bride of Frankenstein, Jurassic Park, Jurassic World, Alien:¬†Resurrection, the list goes on but I’ll stop here.

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27) Never Try to Control a Monster

In any horror film, whenever they create ¬†life they always think they have complete control over it. Well, that never works out. You see, just because you made it doesn’t mean it will listen to you; every parent knows that. And more often than not, those creations will try and kill you.

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28) If Someone Tries to Make a Deal with You to Kill Someone, Do Not Think it is a Joke

Joking around with the idea of murder might be something you would do with a friend, but be careful, you never know how far they might take it.

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29) Listen to Urban Myths, They Tend to be Right

We all like to hear scary stories around a campfire and about areas. But if you are in a horror film, play very close attention as more often than not, the myths and legends turn out to be true or someone is copying them and making them true. It is always good to pay attention and know the details, it just might save your life.

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30) Never Think You Have Destroyed a Monster, They Always Find a Way to Come Back

You try to kill them and you think you do, but they always come back. Always make sure you keep an eye out for the sequel and their return.

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31) Don’t Be an Idiot

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Be smart! Don’t be stupid and do stupid things. Use your common sense! Bimbos and Mimbos are almost always the first to die.

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So there we are, 31 tips to help you survive a horror film. I hope they help you survive October.

This post is brought to you by a

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

Keep tuned for more horror film reviews!

Short But Sweet: Up (2009)

Romantic Moment #4

Up-2009

Up (2009)

In Up, young Carl Fredrickson is a huge fan of Charles F. Muntz. He goes to the theater to watch his reels over and over. There he meets Ellie, a fellow Muntz fan, who takes him to her secret hideout, an old house that is falling apart. The two end up growing up together, getting married, and restoring the old house. They move in there and hope to create a family, but unfortunately Ellie is infertile. Instead the two plan a huge trip to South America and begin saving up. Just as they have enough money, Ellie becomes sick and dies.

A few years later, Carl has become a crotchety old man. He gets into an argument with a construction worker over damage to his mailbox and Carl injures the man. The court orders him to a retirement home, but Carl refuses to go. Instead he blows up a gazillion helium balloons, turning his house into a hot air balloon.

 After Carl has taken flight, he discovered a wilderness boy (i.e. boy scout), Russell, had been on the porch in hopes of getting his merit badge for assisting the elderly. When they reach South America their crew grows to include a tall flightless bird Russell names Kevin and a dog with a collar that enables it to speak English, Dug.

They run into a pack of dogs all with the same collar and discover that they were created and are owned by Charles F. Muntz. Muntz had discovered a new type of bird, but no one believed him, and after that left forever. When Muntz hears of Kevin, he thinks the two are trying to steal his discovery, going after Kevin with Carl and Russell having to save her. It is an extremely fun and adorable film.

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****Most Romantic Moment****

The most romantic moment has to be the Carl and Ellie scenes. They don’t last very long but are extremely adorable. You see the ups and downs of married life and how strong their love is to work through disappointments, accidents, problems, etc.

Even when Ellie is dying she makes sure to leave Karl a note in her scrapbook in order to make sure he continues with his life.

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Perfect!

Perfect!

I hope that if I ever get married I have something as special as they do.

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Who needs riches or anything really if you have a love like this.

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To start Romance is in the Air: Part III, go to I Can See Your Beauty: The Breakfast Club (1985)

For the previous post, go to A Tender Toll-Booth Token: While You Were Sleeping (1995)

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For more on Disney, go to Right to Vote

I’ll Give You the Moon: It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

Romantic Moment #12

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It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

So exactly one year ago I did another¬†It’s A Wonderful Life¬†post for the Valentine’s Day countdown. I swear I didn’t plan this, I only got the idea for it when I was doing my¬†The Notebook post as Noah wanting to redo a house made me think of how Mary loved that old house and she and George renovate it for their family.

Now this movie holds a special and dear place in my heart. Even though it is now considered a Christmas movie, it is one of my favorites to watch anytime because of the great message. Here is one man who helps and touches so many others, without even realizing the affect he has on everyone. He may not be a famous or a millionaire; but in his kind and quiet way is helping everyone in the town. I also love it because Jimmy Stewart is in it, and he’s my favorite actor. Plus the film is directed by the amazing Frank Capra. He is my second favorite director and I simply adore practically every film he has made.

We start off¬†It’s a Wonderful Life, with all these people praying for George Bailey, (Jimmy Stewart); for God to please help him in his time of need. God decides to send in an angel to help him. We hear all this from Joseph, an angel overseer, who selects Clarence for the job. Joseph fills Clarence in on George’s backstory so he will know what lead George up to this point in his life.

From a young age George was a leader and eager to travel the world. When he was 12, he saved his brother from hypothermia, rescuing him when he fell into some icy water and sacrificing his ear. He works at a pharmacy and saves Mr. Gower, the pharmacist, from jail time when he points out that Mr. Gower accidentaly messed up the dosage on account of him being distraught over his own son’s death. We are also introduced to Mary, a girl a few years younger than George, who declares she will marry him and love him forever.

Fast forward the years and George is now 22, and eager to go off into the world. He was working for his father at the family’s Building, Saving, & Loan; until his brother graduated, and now he is going to use all the money he put aside and go off for college. That night he goes to Harry’s grad party and hijinks ensue. He and Mary fall into the pool and enjoy a romantic moon-filled night. ¬†But unfortunately as George and Mary are getting closer together; George’s father becomes ill and dies. The only way to keep the family business going and save people from evil Mr. Potter is to stay. So George does for another four years, sending Harry off to college instead.

Fast forwarding again, and Harry, George’s brother, is back from college. But instead of staying, he is going to work for his wife’s father. George is distraught at having to stay in the town longer, but after finally admitting his feelings for Mary, is happily and ready to start a life with her.

It is after George and Mary’s wedding, and the two are excited to leave the town for their honeymoon.Once again as George is preparing to leave the town, something happens to get him to stay. (The man just can’t get a break.) There is a run on the bank and to calm everyone down, George and Mary sacrifice all of their honeymoon trip money. That night he goes home, and Mary has taken an old abandoned house and made it their home.

Potter becomes worried about George’s affordable housing project, and tries to hire him, but is turned down by George’s morals. He and Mary start a family.

WWII comes and George still can’t leave, his ear keeps him from enlisting, but Harry makes all kinds of victories and earns all kinds of medals.

On Christmas Eve, the Bailey’s are preparing for a Christmas welcome for Harry. Sadly, forgetful Uncle Billy loses the money is supposed to withdraw. Potter calls in an audit and sicks him on George, hoping to get the Savings and Loan. George looks everywhere but can’t find the money. He even goes to Potter (who secretly has the money) sends the cops over to arrest him for bank fraud.

George is desperate and when Clarence comes he wishes he was never born. Clarence grants his wish and he sees without him, the affordable housing project, and all the things he does to help the people; the town is now full of sleazy¬†nightclubs, stripper joints, bars, pawn shops, etc. Without him¬†Mr. Gower was sent to prison for poisoning the child, as there was no George to stop him. Martini does not own the bar, as he was never granted a loan by George. George’s friend Violet Bick is a stripper and gets arrested as a pickpocket; as George wasn’t around to help her out and she had no other alternative. Ernie is helplessly poor, with his family having forsaken him. Uncle Billy has been in an¬†insane asylum¬†for many years since he lost his brother and the family business. Harry is dead as a result of George not being there to save him from drowning, and the servicemen he would have saved also died. George’s mother is a bitter widow, and Mary is a shy, single,¬†librarian. Clarence then explains how George single-highhandedly prevented this dire fate. He, and he alone, kept Potter in check, preventing the town from descending into squalor and vice.

George wishes to live again and Clarence grants it. He runs home to face the bank examiner, the auditor, and the police. He doesn’t care as he is with his family. Everyone he knows brings money to help pay the $25,000. His brother Harry skips dinner with the President to be home and support George.

Most Romantic Moment:

So this year’s most romantic moment comes right after George had visited Harry’s graduation party. There he ran into his best friend’s sister, Mary, who had also just graduated. Mary has always had a crush on George and he has realized that she is no longer a little girl. The two dance the night away, falling into the pool and getting wet.

George is walking Mary home and throws a rock at an old house (something everyone does in the town). If you hit a window, then your wish will come true. George throws the rock and hits the window. When Mary asks about his wish, George tells Mary about how he wants to leave Bedford Falls. Mary listens, picks up a rock and throws it herself, hitting the window. George tries to get her to tell her what the wish was, but she won’t say anything. George tries to get more out of her asking what she wants.

George Bailey: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

It is sooooo romantic!!!! Here he is telling Mary that anything she wants he will try and get for her. That nothing is too much for her, even the moon is not too far out of reach! Anything is possible when they are together. He would do anything for her, anything. ¬†I would love it if a guy said that to me. Class A pick up line! ūüôā

For more on It’s a Wonderful Life¬†check out the¬†25 Films of Christmas

I Love You Anyway: The Notebook (2004)

Romantic Moment #11

The Notebook

The Notebook (2004)

So as I told you all last year when I chose¬†A Walk to Remember¬†to include on my Valentine’s Day Romantic Moments list, that¬†I am not a big¬†Nicholas Sparks¬†fan. In fact the only book/movie that I like (actually Love) is¬†A Walk to Remember.¬†¬†I’ve never been interested in his other works, and I actually hate¬†¬†the Notebook. Even though I adore Rachel McAdams and think she is a fantastic actress, I dislike it, A LOT. So why am I including it on this list? You’ll have to read on to find out.

So onwards. The movie begins at a nursing home where an elderly man is reading a romantic story from his notebook to a woman.

The story is set in June of 1940 in South Carolina. A country boy,¬†Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), has fallen for a heiress¬†Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams). The two spend the summer together, with Noah taking Allie to an abanded house and promising to buy and redo for her. Allie’s parents don’t like Noah and forbid her to see him. The two break up and her family returns to Charleston.

Noah enlists in  World War II and Allie becomes a nurse. At the hospital Allie meets Lon Hammond, Jr. (James Marsden), a handsome, kind, lawyer who is also from Old Money. They date and become engaged.

Meanwhile, Noah has returned from the war and buys the abandoned house, redoing it for Allie. He had seen her in Charleston with Lon, and has convinced himself that by fixing the house he will win her and her love. Allie sees an article about his completed renovation in the newspaper and visits him.

In the present, we are shown that the woman is Allie who suffers from¬†¬†dementia¬†and her husband is the man reading her their story, but sadly, Allie doesn’t recognize him.

Back in the ’40s, even though she is engaged Allie resumes her relationship with Noah. Allie’s mom comes by and gives her a talking to, telling her Lon has come as well. Allie talks to Lon telling him what happened and Lon, while unhappy, tells her that he loves her and wants to be with her still. Allie is still unsure who she wants.

Back in present day, Allie regains her memory and we see that the man she is with is Noah. She left Lon and her and Noah were married. Allie tells Noah to continue¬†reading the notebook, as it will always bring her back. Allie then relapses, panicking as she does not recognize who is hugging her. ¬†That same night Noah is hospitalised. After he is¬†released from the hospital, Noah goes to Allie’s room and finds her lucid. After telling each other that they love one another, they both go to sleep in Allie’s bed. The next morning, a nurse finds them dead in each other’s arms.

Most Romantic Moment:

So I know that many of you may not agree with my choice of a romantic moment, and that is fine with me. This my blog, and I put what I want on it and I know not everyone will agree with me or like what I post and I’m okay with that.

So the moment I find most romantic is when Lon finds out that Allie cheated on him and still wants to marry her.

OMG

I know, I know; not the most conventional moment , but I personally find it extremely romantic. Here is this guy that loves this girl and is prepared to marry her and have a life together, only to find out that she cheated on him with a past boyfriend! Cheated!¬†Now the worst things I believe you could ever do to a person is 1) Lead them on, 2) Lie, and 3) Cheat on them. And out of all of these cheating’s the ultimate treason. She broke his heart, she threw it into the shredder. And how does he respond?

Lon: [to Allie] The way I see it, I got three choices. One, I can shoot him. Two, I can kick the crap out of him. Or three, I leave you. Well, all that’s no good. You see, ’cause none of those options get me you. In spite of everything, I love you.

This girl cheated on him, she broke his heart and he doesn’t get mad or angry, like I would have been. I would have been all kinds of crazy if I found out the person I was engaged to cheated on me. Like Kelly Clarkson in¬†Since You Been Gone¬†or Madea.

But does Lon do this? Does he freak out or scream or get angry? No, no, nope. He tells her he still loves her and wants to continue spending the rest of his life with her. He does nothing but waits for her to decide who she wants. That’s real love. He’s like the guy in “Keep on Loving You“.

I know I’m like the only one, but I totally would have picked Lon.

(Start at 8:17)