A Man Dressed as a Giant Bat, Psychotic Deformed Man Wrecking Havoc, and a Zombie Cat Woman…A Batman Christmas: Batman Returns (1992)

Merry Christmas!

Just kidding! Today we are reviewing a horror film that also is a Christmas movie.

And for this year we are doing something special: Sleuthing Sundays.

Each Sunday I’ll post a film with a super sleuth! Our fourth and final film is:

Yes, it time for our annual Tim Burton film. Last year I reviewed Batman, and decided to cover the sequel.

Some of you might not think this counts for a horror film, as it is a superhero film but I say it does.

I mean we have a psychotic deformed killer.

And a zombie cat woman:

So I grew up watching this film and I just love it. When I think of Batman, to me it is always Michael Keaton or Kevin Conroy. There is no other Batman (although I do recognize Adam West, I just never watched his show until I was older) This is an absolutely amazing film and Keaton is an amazing Batman and Michelle Pfeiffer is the best Catwoman.

Originally Tim Burton and Michael Keaton hadn’t signed for a sequel, but were convinced when the script met all of Burton’s demands and Keaton only agreed to do the second film after a serious increase in his salary. Thank goodness for that or who else would we have had?

For me this movie is the end of the original film series as after this we had Val Kilmer and George Clooney take over, neither of which was very good in my opinion.

 It’s Christmastime and evil businessman Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) has committed many, many crimes. His secretary, Selina Kyle, discovered this and was murdered by him. Luckily, she was revived by the stray cats she’s been feeding. I kind of like that they never really answer the how and why. Sometimes it is better to leave it open-ended then to explain it strangely like in Catwoman. It pays to be a catlover.

From Breakfast at Tiffany’s

After she is revived she runs about Gotham and she is a fantastic character as she wants Shreck to pay, but other than that she has no real plan and just goes about-sometimes nice and sometimes cruel, like a cat. I love the scene when she saves the lady who was attacked in an alleyway but then gives her an angry lecture-that’s cattitude right there, or at least it makes me think of how my cat can be nice and then strike out at you.

Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot (Danny DeVito) was born deformed and tossed away by his parentns, found ad raised by circus people. He has discovered what Shreck has been doing and blackmails him. Shreck tries to use him, when the penguin comes up with a plan to make every parent and family pay.

The Penguin and Catwoman team up to take Batman down, when on the flipside Bruce Wayne and Selina have been growing closer and closer and falling in love. While Vicky was annoying, I really like them together. They have excellent chemistry and amazing timing.

Everything comes to a head at the Christmas Ball. Will Batman be able to stop the villains? Will Bruce lose another love?

I have to watch! {Picture from Ringu)

The filming is fantastic and the dialogue is amazing! Here are a few of my favorites: Alfred’s zingers

Alfred: Why are you now determined to prove that this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?

After Selina has been revived and had her change of personality:

Selina Kyle: Honey, I’m home. Oh, I forgot. I’m not married.

Or when she sasses Batman:

[Catwoman is hit]

Catwoman: How could you? I’m a woman.

Batman: I’m sorry, I-I…[Catwoman hits him]

Catwoman: As I was saying, I’m a woman and can’t be taken for granted. Life’s a b****, now so am I.

And one of my favorite parts of the film:

Bruce Wayne: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!

Alfred: It’s vichyssoise.

Bruce Wayne: [stares, not knowing why it’s important]

Alfred: It’s *supposed* to be cold.

Bruce Wayne: [Eats it]

The costumes are great. The penguin is hideous and terrifying. Michelle Pfeiffer hated the costume as she was vacuumed sealed in it and had to take breaks as it constricted her so much she had trouble breathing. But it looks so cool. Deranged and cool.

A great film and I highly recommend it.

For more detectives, go to The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Meet Dracula, Part I: The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries (1977)

For more Batman, go to What Are You? I’m Batman!: Batman (1989)

For more Tim Burton films, go to Once, There Was Even a Man Who Had Scissors for Hands: Edward Scissorhands (1990)

For more Michelle Pfeiffer, go to Non-Austen Films for Austen Fans: Stardust (2007)

For more Christopher Walken, go to It was a Horseman, a Dead One. Headless: Sleepy Hollow (1999)

For more film-noir, go to This Is Fate We’re Talking About, and If Fate Works At All, It Works Because People Think That THIS TIME, It Isn’t Going to Happen!: Dead Again (1991)

 

Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

Since the death of Jonathan Harker Count Dracula the propagator of this unspeakable evil has disappeared. He must be found and destroyed!

So typically when I begin Horrorfest I always start and end with a movie I love. As my drama teacher always said “you want to start and end hot. The middle can be a failure but you want them going in to love it, and exiting to love it.”

This year I had a really hard time choosing a film to start with. I really wanted to do something from the 1940s, like Rebecca, The Phantom of the Opera (starring Claude Raines), or The Return of the Vampire, etc- but this year the pick needs to be from the 1950s. I also really wanted to start off with a Gothic film to honor Catherine Morland.

Eventually I decided on Horror of Dracula, as the Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing films are iconic, gothic, and not the classic classic monster films-but are Classic monster films.

This was called Dracula in England, but in the US it had to be changed to the Horror of Dracula as they still showed Dracula (1931) in theaters.

The only thing it, I have ever seen it before.

In fact don’t think I’ve reviewed any Hammer films yet, I didn’t grow up watching them but the classic universal films instead. I hope this goes well!

So as the film begins the credits rolls, and as I look at them I notice in the credits Michael Gough. I feel like I saw that name recently in something I watched…

Hmm…

I know he played Mr. Bennet in  version of Pride and Prejudice, but that’s not what I’m thinking of. Then it hits me! He’s Alfred in Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman and Robin. 

Anyways, we see a crypt! As we zoom into the tomb we spot a tomb and the coffin of Dracula!

But then blood squirts on it-weird.

We then move to the diary of Jonathan Harker. It is May 3, 1885. A carriage brings Jonathan to Castle Dracula as Jonathan narrates. He is going to see Dracula as he wants to make good money to marry his fiance.

Majorly

Yes, it turns out that this is not like the original novel, but that Jonathan has come to the Castle under false pretenses. He’s there for another plan-to hunt slay Dracula.

You could say he is Harker the Vampire Slayer!

The castle seemed fine in the warm afternoon sun, normal except no birds. Now I’m not a fan of birds, you know-but even I know thats not good.

That is not good,

The house is nice but I wish it was in black and white. It’s not so creepy when you see it in color, especially all the bright red. I mean look how creepy this is:

And then Dracula is not even there to greet him! What, no awesome scene?!?

So if you have been following me for a while, you know how I feel about remakes and sequels:

And so far I’m not liking the changes.

I’m not happy

Jonathan does find a note from Dracula, after all he is a gentleman:

My Dear Harker,

I am sorry I was unable to meet you. Eat well, make yourself comfortable.

Dracula

Jonathan eats and it actually reminds me of Beauty and the Beast, the original fairytale when he is left a note by the castle owner.

As he looks around the castle he meets a beautiful woman who begs him to take her awry from here. Jonathan introduces himself as the librarian come to catalog Dracula’s books. In this Jonathan is a librarian and not solicitor/real estate agent? I know I should be upset at the change but all I can think is that I’ll be able to add another library to my list.

So the woman runs off when Dracula (Christopher Lee) comes. This portrayal of Dracula is very interesting-he seems normal, and a regular guy. He is helpful by picking up his luggage and shows him to his room, him a count! I have to admit I like his portrayal. It’s not Lugosi, but its not bad.

I mean when Lugosi entered the room, you were instantly freaked out as something was not quite right in the castle. With Lee, nothing seems off about him. He is polite, kind-the perfect employer. It is a nice way to lull you in (I mean it is Dracula, I know he’s bad).

Dracula shows Harker to his room and leaves, as he has to go out of town. Harker starts  unpacking and the first thing he puts out is a picture of Mina, aw!

Dracula return to give him a key to the library, when he spots a picture of Harker’s fiancé, Lucy?? LUCY!!!

What’s the heck?

It’s supposed to be MINA!!! Ugh

Ugh! You can’t even get the names right.

After Dracula leaves, Harker sees his room is locked and he cant get out!!!

Harker starts to write in his journal-it’s weird because obviously something is not right in this home, but you still trust Dracula as Christopher Lee plays him so open.

Hmm…

That night Harker is drowsing when something is at his door. He can see the handle twisting! When he checks it he sees that it is unlocked so he walks out and downstairs to the library. There he finds the woman who begs him to help her!

Jonathan Harker: You make it very difficult for me. After all, I’m a guest here. If I’m to help you, I must have a reason.

Woman: A reason! You ask for a reason? Is it not reason enough that he locks me up in this house, holds me against my will? You can have no idea what an evil man he is… or of the terrible things he does!

He questions her more, but she can tell him nothing. Now this is very well done. I mean, like I said in the 1931 version Dracula is creepy from the beginning. In this, Dracula has bee so open and kind so when she says he’s evil you kind of feel unsure what to believe, as what she said and what we have seem of him don’t match up. (Except for you know, he’s Dracula)

Harker promises to help her and hugs her to comfort her, when she then goes right for his neck. She bites him, but Harker is saved when Dracula storms into the room.

That is not good,

Dracula and his Vampire bride fight with each other, as she wants Jonathan and Dracula wants him to be let alone. Harker tries to help her, while Dracula throws him off choking him until he is knocked out.

Ouch

He then carries his bride off through a secret door in the library bookshelves.

The next morning Harker wakes up in his room The door is locked from the utside and he cant get out. Was it all a dream?

Hmmm

No, he has the bite marks with bright red blood on his neck. Yeah the blood doesn’t look right. I think this would have been better in black and white.

He pulls his journal out of the chest of draws (which is pretty cool, it has all these different sizes on it.) He writes that he has become a victim of Dracula and prays that he will not become one of them and that if he fails, someone with the knowledge to do what is necessary will release his soul.

He decides to do what he has set out to do. He’s on a search to find the resting place of Dracula and destroy him!

He hides his journal in a hedge and then goes looking for Dracula’s tomb. As he walks around the set, it reminds me of the Dr. Jekyll and the Werewolf film I watched last year.

Harker finds the tomb, the girl is there as well. He unrolls his package which holds a stake and mallet to put the girl out of her misery. He should have done Dracula first instead of the girl so she wouldn’t wake him up. Dumb.

Night falls and the woman’s screams awaken Dracula. The girl turns into an old lady as she is now dead. Harker turns to stake Dracula, but he is GONE!!!

Bad things happen when you don’t listen

Always do the Prince of Darkness first boy. Who mentored you??

Seriously

Wait a sec…they aren’t going to kill Harker are they? The scene fades out so I am not sure if they locked him up in the tomb, or if Dracula killed him.

Hmm…

Back in the village pub a man walks in with aristocratic features and fancy gentlemen clothes who asks about Mr. Harker. It is Dr. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) who questions the pub owners but they claim to know nothing.

The pub owner warns Van Helsing to get out of these strange parts, but Van Helsing won’t give up. The waitress, however, takes pity on him and Harker and gives Van Helsing the Harker’s diary that was found.

Van Helsing goes up to Dracula’s castle and sees a black hearse carriage carrying off a white coffin. This is obviously Dracula taking off.

Van Helsing goes into the castle searching for Harker, but finds him nowhere. He does find his room which has ben horribly disturbed. And the picture of Lucy  (it should be MINA), is gone! Oh no-Dracula took it! That means he has some nefarious purposes!

Oh no!

Van Helsing finds the tomb and steps inside. The dead female vampire is there, and Harker!???!! He’s a  vapmire?!!!!!! vampire???!!!!!! (sorry I was in such shock I couldn’t spell)

WHATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, but, but the story! What’s going to happen?

What’s going on?

Aww, Van Helsing picks up the stake and mallet and has to take care of his friend. That’s heartbreaking.

Van Helsing returns to tell Lucy that Harker died, but she is ill so he meets with her brother Arthur Holmwood (Michael Gough) and Mina (Melissa Stribling). Arthur doesn’t believe him-he finds everything suspicious. He is angry as they should have been told sooner.

Now this seems odd to me. Grief makes you angry, I know, but he seems to extra hate him. Van Helsing gives them the death certificate and is sent out.

Arthur’s wife tries to calm him down and they go to see Lucy. Poor Lucy! She has been ill and can’t wait for Jonathan to return. But he won’t be.

So when I was watching this I began counting off all the things they changed in this film. But I guess if they were competing with Dracula (1931) and Return of Dracula (1958), you want to do something new.

After Mina and Arthur leave, Lucy gets up. Is she faking being ill?

Nope!

Lucy goes to her window and opens the door, allowing the wind and leaves in. She then takes off her cross necklace, NOOOO don’t do that! And then waits in bed for her vampire lover.

Van Helsing is going through Harker’s diary while listening to his notes on killing vampires.This listening to his list is mostly for us-1) They can’t handle light, they can’t go out, 2) Garlic, they can’t stand it, and 3) The crucifix, the crucifix protects the human being but reveals the vampire or the vampire victim.

Van Helsing is determined to go and find & destroy Dracula!

Meanwhile, Dracul at this moment is with Lucy in her bed. He pulls up his cape and fade out.

That is not good,

Dr. Seward has been trying to help but is puzzled by why she is getting sicker. They think it is just anemia, and all I can think is too bad women wore such high collars or else they would spot the fang marks.

Mina Holmwood goes to see Van Helsing and confides her worries about Lucy. She was afflicted 10 days ago, the same time when Jonathan died…

Van Helsing goes to see Lucy, and spots the wounds on her neck right away. Mina noticed the wounds on the neck too, but thought she was stung by something.

Van Helsing tells Mina to leave the windows shut at night and to put Garlic flowers at the window and by her bed. He warns Mina to do what he says or else Lucy will die.

Lucy, however, doesn’t want them and begs the housekeepr Gerta to remove the flowers and to open the windows, and of course Gerta listens, NOOOOOO!!!

The next day Lucy is dead. Gerta admits she opened the widow and took the plants away. Arthur, however, doesn’t blame her. Instead he blames Van Helsing as he can’t stand him. But why blame Van Helsing? If anything, why not blame the doctor who was supposed to be treating them?

Van Helsing gives Arthur the diary to read so he can know the truth, and walks out.

That night the couple is grieving when a policeman comes with Tonya, Gerda’s daughter. Tonya tell Mina that Lucy was walking with her and then someone came and she took off.

That night arthur goes to the crypt and Lucy is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gasp!

So this movie has strayed heavily from the book and I have no clue what will happen next, beside of course Dracula and Van Helsing will eventually fight.

That night Tonya goes off with Lucy, who called to her. Lucy has giant fangs, but Tonya doesn’t see them. Arthur goes looking around, confused Then spots Lucy with Tonya. I like how she glides-unearthly walking.

Lucy tries to get Arthur, but Van Helsing is there! He puts the cross on Lucy’s forehead and it burns her. She runs into the crypt, with Arthur following. Van Helsing gives Tonya his coat and the crucifix as he goes after Arthur.

Van Helsing wants to let Lucy roam free to find Dracula, but Arthur won’t have that. So Van Helsing sends Tonya home with Arthur and then when he returns Van Helsing prepares to make sure she will not walk again but rest.

Arthur: [Van Helsing prepares to stake Lucy] Is there no other way? It’s horrible.

Doctor Van Helsing: Please try and understand this is not Lucy the sister you loved. It’s only a shell possessed and corrupted by the evil of Dracula. To liberate her soul and give her peace we must destroy that shell for all time. Believe me there is no other way.

So vampires are supposed to be staled through the heart, but here he does it under her left breast.

robinhoodSheriffofnottinghamhmm

Poor Arthur hes traumatized by the screams of his sister.

So now that he does not have a bride, Dracula will be on the hunt for another.

Dracula

Arthur reads Harker’s diary and decides to join Van Helsing to stop the evil. The first thing they need to do is find Dracula. The vampire must rest in his own soil during the day. They must travel to the border to discover where the coffin was going.

ThinkingHmmwriting

Hmm…

They leave Mina alone as they travel off.  Poor Mina. I hope Dracula doesn’t come after her.

Later that evening, long after the men have left a boy comes to the l door with a message-Arthur  says to go to 49 Fredricks Street. Okay I actually am not sure what street he said and I couldn’t find it online, but that’s what it sounded to me. Uh, oh. We know it not the guys, that means it must be:

Dracula

So over at Customs on the border, Van Helsing  is arguing with the clerk, but Arthur has had enough of that and  just bribes him.

ShutUpTake MY Money

49 Fredricks Street! Oh no, the same address given to Mina! The mortician’s address! The perfect place to hide a coffin.

Under Capricorn Aah oh no ugh

Oh no!

Mina searches for Arthur, which really shouldn’t she be more suspicious? Why would her husband send her to a mortuary? Especially one that is closed? She  searches the mortuary and finds the coffin, Dracula poking out.

Dracula

Arthur and Van Helsing return home but Mina isn’t there. They find her, but she’s pale, not herself, and covering her neck! She must have been bitten too.

1Star-Wars-Luke-NOOO-Not-my-father

The two go to the morticians but the coffin is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!

1Star-Wars-Luke-NOOO-Not-my-father

They return to the house unsure where he went. He could be anywhere.

Mina questions them but they tell her nothing! Jerks, maybe if you gave her the whle story she wouldn’t have been running to mortuaries and getting bit.

MeanGirls I know right!

Arthur is worried and gives her a cross to wear, but when she touches it she faints! It leaves a burn mark in her hand-she has been bit.

Arhthur is angry, but this time at himself.  He knows he should have listened to Van Helsing. They decide to leave her alone and watch for Dracula. That night they wait and watch.

That night all is quiet, so when they head indoors to check on Mina they are shocked to find her dead!

OMG gasp

What they be killing everybody! I am super into this movie and have no clue where it is going next!

Oh no, she’s still okay, they give her a blood transfusion.

You know for a Dracula movie, we don’t sped a lot of time with Dracula. It’s very different, but not in a bad way, as we focus on Ven Helsing and Dracula becomes more shadowy and unknown. He only talks to Jonathan Harker in this making it only a few lines of dialogue. Although I definitely prefer that over Dracula 2000.

I hate that movie.

After the transfusion Van Helsing makes Arthur go downstairs to get something to drink. Didn’t he just HAVE a transfusion-have Gerda fetch him some, or you go get him something. He should not be walking.

Both the men are shocked how Dracula could have gotten in, they were watching all the entrances and never spotted him. Arthur is convinced he can shape-shift, but Van Helsing assures him that is not the answer. Then what is?

Hmmm

They ask Gerda to fetch another bottle of wine, but she refuses as she doesn’t want to go down the the cellar, Mina told her not to. The answer hits Van Helsing and he goes  running down there and finds the coffin, BUT ITS EMPTY!!!! Dracla has outsmarted them, he’s awake and he’s trapped Van Helsing in!

Arthur gets Van Helsing out but they are too late as Dracula has carried Mina off!

Vn Helsing knows they have him on the run and with them having his coffin, the only Dracula can go is home to his castle they are off!

Back at the castle, Dracula digs a grave for Mina and throws her in, like she’s a doll, even though she’s still alive, Arthur and Helsing get there just in time.

This film really gets you going!

Dracula goes running up the stair followed by Helsing. But the house is vast with many nooks and crannies and secret passage ways. Sidenote: Except for the vampire trying to make you undead, this would be an awesome place to live!

Anyways, Helsing finds him and Dracula starts choking him. Helsing passes out!

And Dracula is going to bit him but, oh no Helsing faked it. The music is pumping along to bring the excitement as Helsing runs for the curtains and pulls them aside-causing the sun to come in and Dracula to turn to dust!  Dracula tries to stop him, but Van Helsing makes a crucifix out of candlesticks and stops him.

Ew, thisscene is great and crazy, like Indiana Jones.

With the vampire that turned her dead, Mina is back to normal. And the evil is dead.

or is it? I know the DVD I rented from the library has four Dracula films so he must come back. You can’t kill evil after all…

So what’d I think? I really liked it! You know me, I’m not one for you know remakes, but I enjoyed this a lot.

It strayed heavily from the book. But I guess with something that has been around a while and remade constantly you have to do something to make it surprising. I actually liked how we focused so much on Van Helsing, and I liked Michael Gough assisting as Arthur. 

I’m interested in watching the other films but I won’t be reviewing them this Horrorfest, I already have the whole month planned out.

It wouldn’t be Horrorfest without our facebook banner:

So this kicks off the beginning of Horrorfest ViII. I hope you enjoy it and the spooks, thrills, and chills that are to come.

For more Dracula adaptations, go to Dracula. Not Myth, Nor Ravings of a Mad Irish Novelist, Oh No, He’s Real: Dracula 2000 (2000)

For more vampires, go to I’d Risk My Life to Save Yours: Earshot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

For more Van Helsing, go to I Bid You Welcome: Dracula (1931)

For more Peter Cushing, go to One of Our Guests is a Werewolf, I Know It.: The Beast Must Die (1974)

For more remakes, go to Did the Niece Poison Mrs. Harlowe?: The House of the Arrow (1953)

Or adieu in this case!

Every Three Thousand Years, the Stars Align. Unleashing an Army of Monsters: TMNT (2007)

TMNT

Every three thousand years, the stars align. Unleashing an army of monsters.

If you’ve been following me you’ve read this already, but for the new readers I’m giving a little background as to why I choose a TMNT film. If you have seen it already, feel free to skip ahead

So this is our second installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ films.

So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.

crazy

I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.

So there! tongue sticking out pug

So last week I started with the 2014 film as it contained a lot of horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.

Clive, Colin (Frankenstein)_02

Today we are doing the 2007 version/remake. In this one we have a lot of horror film components, I mean we have giant stones turning into monsters and trying to destroy New York City. So no use waiting around:

DeanSupernaturalLetsGetStarted

The Review

So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.

Bad Sequels psycho-1960-alfred-hitchcock-janet-leigh-pic-21

I was not excited about this film coming out at all. It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.

DislikeYOuScream2

But my nephew loved the film and wanted me to watch it with him when it came out. What are you gonna do? It’s family!

dean whinchester shrug smile oh well

But I was right. It was horrible.

Ew Yuck Gross

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TMNT

So the film starts off with long narration about an Aztec warrior finding a portal to another dimension granting him immortality but his generals were turned to stone. It also released 13 monsters, everything from Bigfoot to the Jersey Devil.

Flashforward to present times, after the defeat of the Shredder, the turtles have broken up.

Whattheheck

Yes…I’ll get to that later. So Leonardo was sent to central America to train to be a leader and hasn’t returned. Since then, the remaining turtles have been working

SayWhat?BuffyVampireSlayernosense

Yes…I know. More later. With Raphael doing vigilante things at night.

April is working as a relic acquirer

IndianaJonesHmmMaybe

And not a reporter

crazy

Yes…I know. More later. She runs into Leonardo and convinces him to come back. He does and him and Raphael fight all the time.

OVERDONE

OVERDONE

April delivers the statue she find to the uber rich Max Winters, makes me think of Shreck from Batman Returns, and he hires the Foot clan to hunt down the 13 monsters.

The Generals awaken and help hunt down the monsters, but when they discover they won’t be immortal with all 13, they want to betray Winters.

Thanks to Casey, they’ve discovered the Aztec warrior is Winters and try to help him. Meanwhile Leonardo hates the vigilante Raphael is secretly, and tries to stop him. When he finds out it is Raphael, the two fight and Leonardo ends up getting captured by the generals as the 13 monster.

OhNOthisisgonnabebad

And in the end they save the day, destroy the monsters, and reunite.

TheEnd_Title_2

So why did I hate it? Let’s count down!

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1) CGI

TMNT

The CGI was horrible. They looked awful and boxy and just bad. I would have preferred 2D. I mean look at Casey, his whole face and body, just no.

Not the right one.

Not the right one.

And it’s not like CGI was still working out the kinks. I mean you had some good stuff like RatatouilleMeet the Robinsons, I mean even the dumb movies like The Bee Movie and Alvin and the Chipmunks had good CGI. This was just bad.

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2) Instead of the Turtle Background We are Focusing on Aztec Warrior Meets Monsters Meets Multiple Dimensions

WOW

WOW

I know this is so strange. They give the turtle background as to who they are, how they were created, and such like three lines! Three LINES!

Four turtles. Four brothers. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York. Named after the Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas.

And then we are supposed to give our attention to this Yactl or whatever, his generals turning into stone, immortality gift, blah blah…

Blah, blah

Blah, blah

Our full attention?

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

I PAID TO SEE A TURTLE FILM!!! I WANT THE TURTLES!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

I mean really, out of all the comic written, this is the back story you want to give us???!!! OUT OF EVERYTHING??? Who was paid to write that? If it had been up to me, as soon as I read that, they would have been FIRED!!!

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3) Why Was the Main Warrior Not Turned to Stone?

BrothersGrimmBrokenmirrorQueen

So how come Yactl was not turned to stone but all the generals were? They never really seem to explain why he was the only one given the immortality. Then again maybe they did, but my mind glazed over when I had to pay attention to the most non-turtle Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film.

Yes film you are so bad you are forcing me to reference not just the Master of Disguise, but its stupidest scene to talk about how I feel.

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4) The Turtles are Split Up

TimeWhenNotBroken

Hey guys let me point you to the title of the comics and the films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes did you get that? TurtleS!!!!!!! TurtlesSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT!!!!!! THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE THAN ONE TURTLE FIGHTING!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

Yes, they split the turtles up and send Leonardo to South America, why I don’t know. It’s dumb, it makes no sense, just argh!. They are supposed to be a team! When I paid for my ticket I paid to see four turtles not one on his own. And it makes no sense why they would split them up? Like seriously, who wanted that. Did any of these people read the comics or watch the TV show/films. I mean seriously!!!

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Let’s move on…

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5) April is Not a Reporter but Tomb Raider

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April is not a reporter…

Whattheheck

Yes April is not a reporter…

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April is not a reporter but a tomb raider…

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Yes no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds dumb. Why isn’t she a reporter? I mean how could she even go from reporter to tomb raider. It’s not like she’s an archeologist or anthropologist, or knows any of that stuff at all. And I SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A REPORTER!!!!!

And to ease the suckage of this film

And to ease the suckage of this film

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6) The Turtles Have Jobs

WHAT!

WHAT!

The TURTLES have JOBS?!!!!!!

Stop stop it now!

Just end the film here because that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

So you are telling me GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES with no social security numbers, good contact info, experience, etc are able to have jobs?

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And let’s just forget about the social security number, experience, education; you know all those things you need to work and focus on this tiny little issue: GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES!!!!!!!!!

I don't think so

How do GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES get jobs? Huh HOW?!!!!!!!!!! This is just so stupid that if I think about it any longer my IQ will drop.

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7) Why is Raphael the Nightwatcher?

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So Raphael is the only one continuing to fight crime and be a ninja superhero. But instead of continuing as himself, he has faux batman gear and even takes on a faux Batman name with Nightwatcher (similar to Nightwing). I mean why does he even have to dress up? He is a giant turtle!!! And why hide it? Just because Leonardo is gone they can’t be vigilantes anymore? That makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are driving me insane!!!!

You are driving me insane!!!!

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8) No Shredder

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While its true you don’t have to have a Shredder to make a TMNT film, you notice how much they suck when they don’t have one. Like this movie, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. I mean Shredder and Turtles just go together, it’d be like making macaroni and cheese with no macaroni.

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9) The Convoluted Plot

Nope, not him.

It feels like they spend hours talking about Yactl, the monsters, dimensions, blah blah blah.

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I totally checked out from this film. I mean I came to see TMNT, not all this useless drivel they keep trying to push. Just dumb, dumb, dumb.

big mistake

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10) Raphael and Leonardo Fight Over Who is the Leader

Stop stop it now!

Ugh I hate this plot thread. It is too:

OVERDONE

OVERDONE

I mean it worked in the first film, but because of that it doesn’t mean you have to do it non-stop!! Just do something else. I swear that if I see this repeated one more time in a TMNT film(not counting the 2014 one) I will be held responsible for me actions.

ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

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11) The End

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It was horrible, dumb, and I didn’t like it. The only thing that was good was that it was over!

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Good-bye forever!

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Yes this film was horrible, just horrible. I mean it was so bad, it made the 2014 film look good. For all their faults, at least they tried to make a TMNT film that actually centered on the TMNT.

Well that’s it for this post. Next week I’ll be reviewing the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film. How does it compare? How does it hold up? Well, all those questions will be answered in seven days.

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to The Butcher of Burtonsville High: The Death of the Queen Bee, Bones (2010)

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For more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go to Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

For more sucky remakes, go to Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

For more alternate dimensions, go to There’s Nothing Out There. Nothing in the Mist: The Mist (2007)

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In other news today is our 800th post

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For the 700th post, go to Fan-do or Fan-don’t. There is No Fan-try

For the 600th post, go to There Are Thirteen Chairs at the Table…And That’s Unlucky: Mystery of the 13th Guest (1943)

Man-Bat: On Leather Wings, Batman the Animated Series (1992)

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 I knew he discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat.

When I think of Batman, two things come to mind instantly. First, Michael Keaton as Batman and Batman: The Animated Series.

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Batman: The Animated Series came out in the ’90s, when children’s television was perfect. It was one of the best animated shows in the history of TV. One of my absolute favorite things about it is how they blend three different styles to create this artistic and amazing work. We have the Art Deco movement of the 1920s-30s, the 1940s outfits and clothing, blended with the technology of the ’90s and beyond (seriously, some of the things they created in this are things we actually have today!)

So this is the “first episode” in the series, but not the first one shown. It was the first one made but was actually aired later because of the popularity of Batman Returns, them going with the episode The Cat and the Claw as it had to do with Selena Kyle.

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So while this isn’t the most famous episode, the best written, etc; I liked it and it fit one of the themes we had going this year. The real name of the episode is actually On Leather Wings, but I liked Man-Bat better.

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So the first part of this episode is the amazing opening.

We open on Phoenix Pharmaceuticals. The night watchman of course, isn’t paying any attention. He’s trying to make a tryout tape for a radio program. All of a sudden he is attacked!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We, the viewer, are unable to see what this creature is. All we see is a shadow, that resembles something like a….Bat!

Dracula

NO not him…that movie were he and Batman meet was kinda weird.

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NO not him either.

Sadface Batman

Definitely not him. But everyone thinks it is. Who else could have gotten in and loves bats as much as him?

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Officer Bullock hates Batman and is all set to do anything to take him down. The commissioner, on the other hand, doesn’t want to destroy Batman, he thinks that he does good (even though he does technically break the law by being a vigilante.)

However, the mayor sees it as best to get rid of him and gives Bullock full backup. Harvey Dent also agrees if they can get the evidence and the Batman; he will do it.

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Things are looking grim for the Caped Crusader, everyone is going to be on his tail.

Sadface Batman

So Batman starts investigating. The first thing he does, it head out to the Pharmaceutical company to do some research. As he looks around with his special goggles, he spots a hair, strange. After some more thorough digging, he also finds the tape recorder, which not only caught the guard but the sounds of whatever attacked him.

As he is searching around, Bullock comes with a whole contingent of SWAT. Man when the mayor says he’s got your back, he means it.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow what

So Bullock comes in and pretty much blows up the lab with his trigger happy ways. Thank goodness for Batman, or they would all be dead right now.

Batman-Begins

Commissioner Gordon comes by and relays that while Bullock was pretty much wiping out his own men; another company was being robbed. It clearly is not Batman. But we already knew that, I mean come on. It’s Batman!

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As Bruce Wayne is an amazing scientist, with technology that most only dreams of, he still isn’t the leader in the study of bats and heads out to visit a Dr. March.

Freidrich March

Freidrich March?

He tells the doctor that he has a “bat issue”:

Dr. March: You donate a few million and you think you own the place. I understand I’m the analyze something for you.

Bruce Wayne: Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney.

[Hands Dr. March a small plastic sandwich bag]

Bruce Wayne: And I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.

Dr. March: And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won’t survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They’re survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!

I think he loves bats a little too much.

Gilmore girls creep

However, a beautiful blonde doctor rescues Bruce, Dr. Francine Langstrom, his daughter. She is followed by her husband Dr. Kirk, who assures Bruce that they can help him. Kirk acts kind of weird too…

What! Mark Wahlberg that's weird

Maybe it runs in the family? Francine could be the exception.

Anyways, later Dr. Langstrom calls Bruce and tells him that they ran the hair and that it is a regular old brown bat, and the noise on the tape a combo of bats and birds.

Not always the best idea

Just the usual.

Except, unbeknownst to Dr. Langstrom, Batman already ran the hair follicle and the sounds through the computer and no match came up. He the tape again, under combined noises, but no match.

Meanwhile, we see someone burning the evidence of the tape and the hair. We already know both doctors are crazy, maybe even Francine (nicely rounding out to three), but which could be behind this? And why?

suspicious Hmm

Batman also figures out that the answer lies in the lab and takes off.

Batman reaches the lab and finds things from Phoenix Pharmaceuticals. He  searches for Dr. March to apprehend him, but runs into Dr. Langstrom.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: Who’s back there? [Batman steps out of the shadowsYou.

Batman: I’m looking for Dr. March.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: He’s not here, Batman.

Batman: Where is he?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution. He’s really quite brilliant.

Batman: [holding up a stolen chemical] He’s misguided and a thief.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: He’s just a theorist. He was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn’t. I knew he discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn’t stop.

Yep Kirk is the Man-Bat

Jekyll&Hydedrink potion

Batman asks him why he didn’t stop, but Dr. Langstrom said he couldn’t.

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And he enjoyed it. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; he got a little taste and can’t give it up. He’s addicted and can’t stop, turning into….the Man-Bat.

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He only needs one more component to stay that way forever, and he’s out to get it.

You know what that means for Batman.

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Batman Vs. Man-Bat

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Batman and the Man-Bat are fighting in the sky, as Batman has hooked on to him. As they struggle, Commissioner Gordon and Officer Bullock heads up in a chopper to try and get him.

They manage to get away from the police and Batman knocks him out.

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He takes him back to the lab, and Batman uses it to fix Dr. Langstrom and heals him of the drug. How you may ask? Two words:

Dean Winchester Batman

Batman can do anything.

Batman NaNaNaNa

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To start Horrorfest IV from the beginning, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It Has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

For the previous post, go to And Then There Was Two: A Study in Scarlet (1933)

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For more on Batman, go to Na Na Na Na Batman!

For more on mad scientists, go to We’re Mad Scientists. We’re Monsters: Avengers, Age of Ultron (2015)

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Na Na Na Na Batman!

Batman NaNaNaNa

For those of you who don’t know, today is Batman Day!

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So as one who loves to celebrate holidays (real and made up) and one who loves Batman:

Dean Winchester Batman

I am all for it!!! I don’t know about you but I’m about to geek out in my Batman gear, read Batman comics, watch Batman movies, and the  ’90s Batman show (the best in my opinion).

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So I hope you all have one super day!

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For more on Batman, go to Fanning All Over the Place

For more holiday posts, go to A Pirate’s Life is the Life for Me

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