Riddle me this, riddle me that, who’s afraid of the big, black bat?
Every time a new Batman movie comes out everyone starts talking about which film they think is the worst of the lot, for me it will always be Batman Forever (1995).
Ugh…this film
I wasn’t originally going to review this film, but since I couldn’t get my hands on a copy of the film I wanted to review, Batman Versus the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Scooby-Doo Meets Batman, Instead I had to settle for this film.
Oh it is also the inspiration for my Jane Austen dress up this year:
There are only two thing I like about this film, Jim Carrry was an excellent choice for Edward Nygma/The Riddler and I liked the change of Robin’s suit so it isn’t bright red and green. I know a lot of people like to make fun of the latter ‘90s Batman films, but both Batman Forever and Batman and Robin updated more of the colorful costumes, something you see in the superhero films/TV shows of today like Captain America, Daredevil, etc.
Tim Burton passed on this film, with Joel Schumacher becoming the director. Along with Burton, Keaton also choose not to come back and they had to find a new Batman, with Val Kilmer getting the role. Now Kilmer is not a bad actor but I think he is terrible in this as he plays it so stiff and unemotional.
This film takes place a year after Batman Returns but isn’t a Christmas film. I. This Batman/Bruce Wayne (Kilmer) is feeling guilty as his friend Harvey Dent (who is now white and played by Tommy Lee Jones instead of Billy Dee Williams) has changed from kind, lovable, and moral lawyer to sadistic killer psychopath. Why the change? He was disfigured with acid by mobster Sal Maroni. I always wished they had gone with the Batman the Animated series versions where he already had a background of mental illness and then the something happened to magnify it.
Anyways, Batman defuses a hostage situation, meeting Arkham’s new psychoanalyst, Dr. Chase Meridan (Nicole Kidman) who is my least favorite Batman love interest. This character was not based on anything from the actual comics but created specifically for the film by screenwriters Janet and Lee Batchler. They thought it would be more interesting for him to date a psychoanalyst rather than a typical socialite. While I like the idea, I feel like this particular version of powerful woman is something men “think” is powerful but instead is just overtly sexual and has her own issues she should be focusing on before trying to assist others.
Batman/Bruce then later hasto go to Wayne Enterprises for his other job. There at Wayne Enterprises is Edward Nygma, big brain scientist who is obsessed with Bruce Wayne. When Bruce rejects his invention of trying to beam television signals into a person’s brain and influence then to make certain purchases, he becomes enraged and it is th trigger that pushes him on a chaotic and murderous path. It’s funny that Bruce is so against this, since that is essentially what most companies are doing. I mean I’m not saying they affect your brainwaves, but they are cataloging your info and trying to influence your shopping. Nygma kills his supervisor and plots to destroy Bruce.
Bruce likes the Dr. Meridian but she likes Batman. Poor guy, he’s falling victim to the Peter Parker/Black Cat scenario, when the girl finds your alter ego exciting but your real life boring. He asks her to accompany him to a charity functions and she agrees to attend. They go to the circus and watch the Flying Graysons perform. Unfortunately the night is ruined by a crazed by Two-Face who demands Batman or else he’ll blow up the whole tent. 17 year old Dick Grayson (Chris O’Donnell) the youngest of the trapeze troupe manages to disarm Two Face’s bomb and sending it into the river and saving everyone. However, his joy is short lived as a very angry Two-Face kills the rest of the Graysons in retaliation.
Bruce takes Dick in as he recognizes the pain he is in. Dick of course does what every kid would do in a mansion, he goes around looking in every room and discovers the bat cave and that Bruce is Batman. He demands they create the “dynamic duo” but Batman says no. Dick gets angry and basically goes “you’re not my father!” on him.
Dude you were taken in by a billionaire. If that was me I would not be making demands but enjoying it.
Nygma becomes the Riddler and joins forces with Two-Face. Two-Face is way more comedic in this then how I like him to be (as Two-Fave is one of my favorite Batman villains). They really try to send the “split personality” theory home with him not just having his face and suit divided, but his home and two ladies to appeal to both natures (Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazer). I’ve always felt this was way too over the top and silly. Two-Face was a really interesting and complex character and both film portrayals of him were terrible.
Team Two-Face and Riddler commit a series of robberies, the money Riddler funnels into his brainwave project creating the “Box”, which steals information from users’ minds.
Nygma throws a big party and steals info from people (again what happens today wow this movie was ahead of the times), discovering Batman’s secret identity and almost killing Bruce (before he knows he is Batman). Luckily Dick saves the day.
Dr. Chase turns on the bat signal and tries to seduce Batman, propositioning him, but he refuses her. Later he goes to her office as Batman, but she rejects him as she is in love with Bruce.
Are you really? I mean all your conversations have been you being rude to him, talking over him, and basically treating him as if he was a buffoon.
With the info about Batman the dastardly duo blow up his house/batcave and kidnap Dr. Meridian. Bruce and Alfred deduce who is behind this (Nygma), Bruce has Duck/Robin be his partner, an they save the day.
At the end they have captured Nygma but he’s lost his mind and Batman’s secret is safe forever.
So even though this film is Batman Forever, Val Kilmer did not stay Batman Forever, as he didn’t get for the bat suit and in the final film was replaced by George Clooney. Dr. Meridan also didn’t turn out to be a “forever” relationship as in the next film they are broken up.
The film is not as interesting as the previous two (or I’d argue the latter one) which is sad as there was a lot that could have been done with the characters. It’s definitely my least favorite of all the Batman films.
Just kidding! Today we are reviewing a horror film that also is a Christmas movie.
And for this year we are doing something special: Sleuthing Sundays.
Each Sunday I’ll post a film with a super sleuth! Our fourth and final film is:
Yes, it time for our annual Tim Burton film. Last year I reviewed Batman, and decided to cover the sequel.
Some of you might not think this counts for a horror film, as it is a superhero film but I say it does.
I mean we have a psychotic deformed killer.
And a zombie cat woman:
So I grew up watching this film and I just love it. When I think of Batman, to me it is always Michael Keaton or Kevin Conroy. There is no other Batman (although I do recognize Adam West, I just never watched his show until I was older) This is an absolutely amazing film and Keaton is an amazing Batman and Michelle Pfeiffer is the best Catwoman.
Originally Tim Burton and Michael Keaton hadn’t signed for a sequel, but were convinced when the script met all of Burton’s demands and Keaton only agreed to do the second film after a serious increase in his salary. Thank goodness for that or who else would we have had?
For me this movie is the end of the original film series as after this we had Val Kilmer and George Clooney take over, neither of which was very good in my opinion.
It’s Christmastime and evil businessman Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) has committed many, many crimes. His secretary, Selina Kyle, discovered this and was murdered by him. Luckily, she was revived by the stray cats she’s been feeding. I kind of like that they never really answer the how and why. Sometimes it is better to leave it open-ended then to explain it strangely like in Catwoman. It pays to be a catlover.
From Breakfast at Tiffany’s
After she is revived she runs about Gotham and she is a fantastic character as she wants Shreck to pay, but other than that she has no real plan and just goes about-sometimes nice and sometimes cruel, like a cat. I love the scene when she saves the lady who was attacked in an alleyway but then gives her an angry lecture-that’s cattitude right there, or at least it makes me think of how my cat can be nice and then strike out at you.
Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot (Danny DeVito) was born deformed and tossed away by his parentns, found ad raised by circus people. He has discovered what Shreck has been doing and blackmails him. Shreck tries to use him, when the penguin comes up with a plan to make every parent and family pay.
The Penguin and Catwoman team up to take Batman down, when on the flipside Bruce Wayne and Selina have been growing closer and closer and falling in love. While Vicky was annoying, I really like them together. They have excellent chemistry and amazing timing.
Everything comes to a head at the Christmas Ball. Will Batman be able to stop the villains? Will Bruce lose another love?
I have to watch! {Picture from Ringu)
The filming is fantastic and the dialogue is amazing! Here are a few of my favorites: Alfred’s zingers
Alfred: Why are you now determined to prove that this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
After Selina has been revived and had her change of personality:
Selina Kyle: Honey, I’m home. Oh, I forgot. I’m not married.
Or when she sasses Batman:
[Catwoman is hit]
Catwoman: How could you? I’m a woman.
Batman: I’m sorry, I-I…[Catwoman hits him]
Catwoman: As I was saying, I’m a woman and can’t be taken for granted. Life’s a b****, now so am I.
And one of my favorite parts of the film:
Bruce Wayne: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!
Alfred: It’s vichyssoise.
Bruce Wayne: [stares, not knowing why it’s important]
Alfred: It’s *supposed* to be cold.
Bruce Wayne: [Eats it]
The costumes are great. The penguin is hideous and terrifying. Michelle Pfeiffer hated the costume as she was vacuumed sealed in it and had to take breaks as it constricted her so much she had trouble breathing. But it looks so cool. Deranged and cool.
Batman: I’m not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Nic: What are you?
Batman: I’m Batman.
So I was trying to decide which Tim Burton movie to do next, when I saw this at the library and realized this was perfect as it turns 30 this year.
Some of you might not think this counts, as it is a superhero film but I say it does.
Yes, first of all every year on abcFamily, now known as freeform, as part of their 13 Night of Halloween they would always show this. So I always associate this film with Halloween.
The second reason it counts is because the Joker is chemically changed into a monster, but even without that he is a total psycho-killer.
So I grew up watching this film and I just love it. When I think of Batman, to me it is always Michael Keaton or Kevin Conroy. There is no other Batman (although I do recognize Adam West, I just never watched his show until I was older) This is an absolutely amazing film and Keaton is an amazing Batman. So without further ado…
We have an amazing opening with fantastic music…oh yeah, Danny Elfman did the music, Tim Burton just loves him.
Gotham city-I have always loved how it looked as it was a blend of modern with art deco giving it feeling of being both times and not of the time.
So a guy is leaving the theater with his family at night trying to get a taxi. They are tourists and lost. As they walk around the bad side of town, they get mugged, the father getting knocked out. (Although to be honest, it was kind of his fault. Why didn’t he stay in front of the theater?)
That’s not good.
So one of the robbers look like Kevin Bacon but it is totally a discount Kevin Bacon.
So the best part is when Batman creeps up behind the two muggers as they are dividing up the spoils. His cape flying out, creepy and cool. Spooky!
Spooky…
He takes them down, so tough and awesome. I know the costume kept him from moving his head right, but it looks so cool. He looks otherworldly.
Wow!
He was supposed to say something else about being justice in the night or so. But Michael Keaton changed it to “I’m Batman”, and it was awesome!
He takes those muggers down and flies out.
Meanwhile, the mayor is having a news conference with him appointing a new district attorney, Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams)-although why isn’t he in the third film? Why did they replace him with first of all, a white guy, and secondly why Tommy Lee Jones?
I’m surprised
Meanwhile Jack (Jack Nicholson) is a thug watching the conference. I can’t stand Jack Nicholson, he just looks creepy in EVERYTHING. That voice, that smile, it creeps me out. And not in a good way like Vincent Price.
He’s talking to his moll, mobster’s gal, about his plans for keeping control of the city.
Meanwhile, on the conference they get questioned about “The Bat”, by reporter Knox. No one believes the reporter, and laugh it off.
I love how they all wear 1940s clothes! Oh, I just love this movie. They have that film noir, Dana Andrews in Laura vibe going on.
Laura
It turns out one of the detectives is dirty, on the payroll of Jack. He tells him that D.A. Dent is onto one of their deals, a property, and he needs it to be handled. The cop insults him, but Jack is not having that, he pulls a gun on him. Watch out you are dealing with a psycho.
Don’t mess with me!
This is why you don’t become involved with bad guys, they can easily kill you.
The mayor is trying to take done crime and wants Grissom to go on trial. He wants to bring business back and revitalize the town.
Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger) meets with Knox, the pressman from earlier. She’s a photojournalist and is interested in this “Bat”. She knows that if they can prove it-it’s pulitzer prize worthy. She wants a piece by trying to get a picture of it. He thinks that he might show up to Bruce Wayne’ social, and she has an invite. Already they are a dynamic duo.
Sorry!
Meanwhile, Grissom and Jack are discussing what to do about this Dent. Grissom wants Jack to take care of him. Grissom’s moll comes, and its the dame that Jack was with. Oh it looks like Jack was a naughty boy.
I love how Jack wears a purple suit. I like when movies do things like that, setting the stage for what is to come. Plus that suit is sharp, I don’t find him attractive-just creepy-but I can see why she might be into him.
Grissom sends Jack out, but I can’t help but feel that there is more to this than mets the eye.
Oh yes, he calls up Lt. Eckhardt and it seems he found out about Jack dating his girl and he is on the way out.
That’s not good.
So the big Casino Night Gala has come. All the bigwigs are there and Knox. Vicki Vale has come too, working the room searching for Bruce Wayne. She taps a guy asking for his help and it is Michael Keaton.
Our first look at him. I think I love him as Batman because he is just a regular guy. He’s not ostentatious, he’s not super serious-he’s cool, composed, and just chill. I love it as you don’t realize who he is until later as he is just so normal. Perfect intro and contrast to when we see how awesome he is as Batman.
So like I said, it is the perfect intro, but it is weird that these reporters don’t know who he is. He’s a gazillionaire and leading philanthropist in the city. I mean Vale gets a somewhat pass as she has just arrived in the city, but Knox should know!
Knox and Vale notice Commissioner Gordon speaking to a police officer. Sensing a story, they try to track him down, but end up in an armory.
Bruce Wayne comes in as they eviscerating his collection. I love it. Who are you-Bruce Wayne.
He compliments them and I can’t get over it. He’s perfect! You would never ever think a guy like this would dress up as a giant bat and run around the city protecting it.
I’m surprised
He starts flirting with Vale but has to run off. The two just can’t get him as he seems so odd? But you know what they say, the rich aren’t odd they are “eccentric.”
Bruce enters his batcave where he goes over the film he shot of the Commissioner, getting the info on what was going on. I like this version because he actually does detective work, rather than in the Christian Bale version when Morgan Freeman solves everything.
Lt. Eckhardt is leading the people who are out to get Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack the first rule of being in a mob, never get with the boss’ gal. Should’ve know.
The police shoot them and gunfire starts between the two in a dangerous warehouse full of chemicals. Gordon shows up with his people as he doesn’t trust Eckhardt. He goes over Eckhardt refusing his order shoot to kill as he wants Jack alive to get the goods.
Jack destroys the warehouse, steam and bullets flying everywhere. But then Batman descends slowly from nowhere. SO COOOL!!!
He uses his batarang to catch one of the criminals. OMG every time I watch this I feel like I go back to the age I was when I first saw this on VHS. I was probably six or seven and after seeing this just thought Batman was SO COOOOL! Still feel this way 20-21 years later.
And that music.
So COOL!!!
Anyways Jack tried to make enough steam to confuse the cops and get out of there, but he didn’t count on the Batman.
I love how he flies in his cape flowing so cool!
WOW!
He catches Jack, using his utility belt to get the gun away, but Jack’s man gets Gordon. Jack picks up his gun to shoot Batman, but he’s gone. So COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!
Sorry, I can’t help it, 6-7 year old me just keeps popping out.
Jack shoots Eckhardt and tries to get Batman, but accidentally mars his own face, Then oops Barman accidentally knocks him into vat of chemicals, he tries to save him but oops, Jack falls in.
Batman throws a fogbomb and is gone! Sooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So COOL!!!
Vale and Knox are working on the story, but haven’t figured anything out yet. Knox tries to take Vale out, but Wayne asked her first.
Too slow
He invites her to his home for dinner. It always cracks me up- he’s in this ostentatious and gorgeous house, seated at a giant table that could fit 20 and acts like a regular joe. I love it. I love him. Michael Keaton is one of my favorites.
He takes her from the dining table to eating in the kitchen instead. There Alfred tells stories-good job Alfred. Doing what a parent would do.
Vale shares about herself and her family. Bruce tells her how he doesn’t have any family but Alfred. Vale says this house doesn’t seem him-and she’s right. He’s just too normal, not at all like those typical rich guys. And I love it.
So Jack survived his fall and went to the plastic surgeon. The nerves were messed up so the doctor did the best he could, but Jack isn’t happy with it.
Grissom is getting ready for bed when Jack walks in. He pretends he’s happy to see him, but Jack’s not buying it.
They start him off in the shadows so we don’t see what happened yet. But we know-it’s not going to be good!
Grissom reaches for his gun, but Jack has one on him already. He walks into the light and we see-The Joker. White face, green hair, and permanent grin. I think he looks as creepy as he always does.
Jack Nicholson is perfect. He always creeped me out when he looked his regular self and does it double as the joker.
Vale got drunk and stayed the night. She wakes up and sees Bruce doing upside down exercises? Sleeping like a bat? I’m not sure exactly what he was doing. She takes him to bed, but I personally think I would be weirded out by that.
Joker’s thrilled at the death of Grissom but mad that no one in the paper cares about him, even though he’s been the Joker for one night. But any-who, who cares about that logic, he wants fame, glory, and to enact his psychotic vengeance/reality/crime spree on Gotham.
The next morning Vale wakes up and invites Bruce out for lunch, but he’s too busy running “errands” We know what that means-Batman Business.
Meanwhile, Grissom’s gal gets home and finds Joker, fainting. Joker takes over the mafia. He covers his face with paint and tries to look normal-but still looks creepy. One guy challenges him, and Joker kills him, death by hand buzzer. Wow, love that he stays in theme.
Just noticed this boardroom has weird artwork. A lady naked but tied up, her nipples covered by the tie. Then it looks like a nude man’s chest on another wall. Weird art choices.
Weird
Oh Jack Nicholson is so creepy with that extra creepy laugh and creepiness on the side.
Knox is jealous that Vale was with Bruce, while she’s mad because she thinks Bruce just slept with her and then is going to ignore her. She finds nothing in the newspaper files as to who he is-weird as a gazillionaire there should be a gazillion clips- and then she decides to sneak over to his house and follow him.
He is walking down the street, bringing two roses outside an old hotel building. Aw. I know why he does it, but Vale is confused. Who is this guy? What is he doing? Why toss out expensive roses.
Meanwhile, the court trial of Grissom has stalled as no one can find him. Bruce goes to the courthouse when a guy announces he’ll be taking over his business. As he watches the exchange a mime shows up, then another one. Odd. But are they just mimes?
Hmmm…
Never trust a mime. They are evil.
Then the Joker shows up and challenges the guy trying to take over Grissom’s business. He has a feather pen and uses it to stab and kill him He walks down the stairs in a top hat, spats, and shiny shoes. Man, I love that this joker has style. I like this better than today’s constant brooding , chaos, evil blah blah blah.
Blah, blah
I just love how he acts.
Meanwhile, Bruce spots Vale and storms off angry that she followed him.
The Joker’s angry that after his big show stopper number no one cares about him, they just care about the bat. I love it. I love him as the Joker. He is so evil and fun. They don’t make villains like that now. They are all so serious, brooding, and stiff.
OMG, Bruce has an amazing library! It’s going on my next library list!
Alfred tries to get Bruce to call Vale as she lifts his spirits, but Bruce is all business. He needs to take this joker down!
Vale calls Knox and gets him to check out the alley Bruce laid the roses on. She know it has to mean something but what?
Hmm…
Meanwhile, the Joker starts checking out the photos from the guy he had follow the reporters and falls for Vicki Vale. He wants her as his new gal.
Mh my goodness, I love his one liners.
Back at the Chemical factory, Joker starts working on his master evil plan.
We switch to the news, Action News, who bring up a story of models dying. They became allergic to something? But what? Three more mysterious deaths at a beauty parlor? Then the female news anchor starts going crazy laughing. She faints and is dead too.
Meanwhile, Joker cuts in to the broadcast. He reveals that he has poisoned all the makeup. and he doesn’t just reveal his plan on TV. He does his own infomercial.
THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He does an infomercial about his evil plan of poisoning makeup.
WOW!
Bruce looks into Jack Napier, the Joker. He has an interesting backstory, since 25 his rap sheet has started but he also has studied art, art history, and chemistry.
The next day we see the news anchors with no makeup. Its hilarious! They look tired and haggard a major difference from the day before.
The mayor still wants to celebrate the city’s bicentennial, even though there is a mad man and batman. Crazy mayor.
Ah, Bruce is wearing a cable knit sweater. I love men in sweaters.
So Vale goes to meet Bruce at the art museum, but it was actually a set up so the Joker could get to her. Bruce only found out when Vale called to let him know she would be running late.
She waits, and waits but no Bruce shows up. However, a package does saying urgent in child’s scrawl.
I know Jack probably wasn’t the best student but he really needs to work on an adult handwriting. It is a gas mask and she quickly puts it on as the museum is filled with noxious gas that knocks everyone out.
Joker shows up in a purple coat, purple chef hat, a posse, one dude with a boombox playing music as he robs the museum. I LOVE IT! This film. I can’t get over it!
This Joker is awesome and the kind of crazy, illogical, chaos that I love.
They don’t steal the art but destroy it.
He switches his dance music to “romance”. He looks at her portfolio and call it crap. Wow, you sure know how to romance a lady.
The only one he does like is of the dead body. He knows real art as he is:
“Joker: I am the world’s fully functional homicidal artist.”
Can you imagine if you had the Joker, Norman Bates as his mother, Jason, Michael Myers, and the other psychos all stuck together in a therapy group. Someone needs to make this into a film or short.
Joker’s former girlfriend comes wearing her mask, her face marred from the Joker as “a living piece of art”. Jack questions Vale about Batman.
I can’t get over his one liners!
“Vicki Vale: You’re crazy.
Joker: I thouht I was a pisces.”
He tries to get her to spill on batman and almost sprays acid on her face. Just when all hope seems lost, Batman comes crashing through and swings Vale to safety, crashing out the doors. SOO COOOL!
Wow!
OMG, that Batmobile! Sigh. SOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got to see it person at the Ca State fair once. It’s Amazing!
The Joker’s people drive a purple car with a green top. I just love how committed he is to his theme. I miss stuff like that in modern superhero films.
Vale and Batman ditch the car, shield coming up it as he can’t drive through the street. Vale tosses her shoes and they run for it.
Batman and Vale face an alley with no way out. He asks her how much she weighs, not cool batman.
Uh oh
He sends her up to safety and stays behind to fight the guys. They shoot him, and one guy says “Who’s this guy?” The one guy says to check his wallet. Like Batman is really going to by carrying a wallet or a credit card or something.
Flashes to Batman and Robin I know I made that joke on purpose.
Sorry!
Anyways, his body armor protects him and he take these goons out. AWESOME fight scene!!!!! Vale photographs the whole thing, although where was she carrying her camera. Her bag was tiny, but whatever.
Huh?
Batman calls his ride and Batman tells her she weighs more than 108 lbs, Haha. That makes me laugh.
They car picks them up and they drive out to the Nightmare Before Christmas wood Seriously with the Elfman soundtrack I expect to see the gate to Halloween land.
Batman drives off in silence, leaves flying as he races down the highway. SOO COOOOOL!!!!!!
I love how Vale is totally creeped out. Like adrenaline and fear kept her going, but now she’s like I don’t know this dude he could be taking me to his torture cave. She’s seriously freaked out.
Batman takes her to the batcave which is a dumb idea. You don’t take a reporter to your secret cave. In fact as a superhero you shouldn’t date a reporter! Especially one who is investigating both of you-superhero and secret identity. Batman’s Achilles heel.
Seriously dude!
He reveals what he knows as he wants her to print it. I love how he hides in the shadows. I love how Vicky is curious but uncertain.
The screen fades to black and bats and Vale wakes up passed out on her bed. Did he drug her?
Not cool bats.
She gives the newspaper what Batman gave her and its printed. Deodorants with baby powder, lipstick, and hairspray are all infected.
Joker is not so angry but hurt that Batman figured it out. I love it!
I love this movie. Sorry Christopher Nolan, Christian Bale, Ben Affleck, Zach Synder, and others. This movie is better than yours.
Sorry, not sorry!
Bruce goes to see Vale who gives him a cool reception. She was saved by Batman and you didn’t call after your night. She’s kinda over you.
This sucks for superheroes they are always competing with themselves for a girl.
Bruce tries to tell Vale about his “secret life” but it sounds like he is a creep or bipolar or has a weird love/torture room thing.
This scene is so funny. He is speaking gibberish and just sounds crazy . I love it. You know Vale is really nice, I would just been like you’re crazy get your butt outta here.
But before he can make any sense, someone rings the doorbell.
The Joker shows up and is angry that she has a “boyfriend”.
He tells Joker off and insulting him, egging him on, distracts him and pulls the fireplace poker out.
The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Bruce Wayne: What?
The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just… like the sound of it. [shoots him]
And the Joker shoots him. Bruce is dead!
Joker says goodbye and Vale cries, she dressed appropriately in black. How did she know a death would come?
But when she turns around Bruce is gone, her silver tray on the ground. He put it under his shirt and used it as armor.
SOOOO COOOL! And definitely a nod to the 39 Steps.
Vale opens the box and there is a Jack in the box hand with dead flowers. She goes to the newspaper office and Knox reveals Bruce’s sad backstory to Vale.
Meanwhile, Bruce is in he batcave. That saying that the Joker told him rally shook him up. He starts looking through the file on his parents. Hmm…how does this connect? (I know how I just like asking rhetorical questions)
Joker cuts into the broadcast again. “You guys have said some really mean things, some of which are true.” He has the best one liners.
Wow!
He announces that a midnight he will dump $20 million on the city. He announces this in PBSMasterpiece Theater style in a fancy old fashioned armchair and sweater vest. This guy. He calls out Batman to meet him and basically challenges him to a duel.
We then see a flashback of Bruce and his parents coming home from the theater. Why they are walking and don’t have a car waiting when they are uber rich I don’t know. That makes the least bit of sense actually in all of this. Why walk down an alley. Why not have a car waiting?
How does this make any sense?!!
They get approached by a thug who steals his mother’s pearls and another who shoots them dead. The shooter asks Bruce:
“The Joker: You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
It was him, it was Jack. That guy looks just like that guy.
Vale storms to the batcave. How she figured it out when she is like the worst reporter, I don’t know. And like I said THIS IS WHY YOU DO’T DATE REPORTERS INVESTIGATING YOU OR BRING THEM TO YOUR SECRET HIDEOUT!!!
This was always my least favorite part. I love you stop doing this blah, blah. Vale you hardly know him.
He dresses in epic fashion. Gets going in his batmoblie, and speeds down to the warehouse, shoot the door down SOOOO COOOOOOOOL!!!!
Batmobile drops a bomb, and all are taken out at the factory. Batmobile continues down the fire and smoke. The factoy is destroyed, but the Joker is in a helocopter.
The Joker holds his own parade with ’80s music blasting. He dances on his float, OMG I love how the Joker has style. I love this movie.
Like seriously, he is Ferris Buellering it up, while his minions toss money int the street. But it isn’t real money, it is bills with his face on them. Which means, he must have some kind of evil plan, but what?
Joker says he giving money but where is Batman, and boom here he comes, flying overhead. Everyone puts masks on releasing noxious fumes from one of his balloons.
Vicky gets good pics While everyone is going crazy. Luckily Knox has a mask in his trunk and a baseball bat as he goes after the minions. He puts Vicky in the car, but that can’t really help her as air gets in the car. She should be going crazy too. It’s not like a car is air proof.
Weird
She realizes this and drives off, hitting Knox and knocking him onto the hood, and into trash cans. Knox gets a cut on the side of his face. Ouch. Dang Vale.
Batman goes flying into the parade taking the balloons with him. Joker is seriously hurt that he stole his balloons. This cracks me up. I love this movie.
He so upset after Batman shoots his “number one guy” he needs a minute or two alone. OMG he cracks me up.
Batman goes flying down, missiles launched taking out the float. He launches it into Joker then misses because he has honor.
Joker pulls a gun out and shoots Batman from the sky with his giant gun.
His plan crashes and Vale goes charging after him. The plane is destroyed and Joker takes his giant shotgun, and Vale up into the church.
But Batman is alive, it takes more than bullets, crashed plane, fire, and a possible concussion to stop him (just kidding about concussion, he wears a helmet.)
Batman goes after them and knocks all the pews down in the church. Like this does nothing to help Vicky and to be honest it is kinda a jerky thing to do as the ushers are going to have to pick them all up next church service.
The joker forces Vicky up the staircase, like out of Vertigo, Batman follows, the police behind him.
Joker has her in the belltower, and shoots acid at the bell causing it to crash down and destroy the stairs. The police won’t save her, but Batman isn’t going to let a thing like no stairs stop him.
He’s Batman!
The police shine their searchlights at the top of the old church. Now it is time for the final showdown between Joker and Batman.
One minion really gets the punches in there and throws him over, but he’s batman, he uses his utility belt to get up and knock that guy over.
Joker continues dancing while batman stalks by. Vale spots him and distracts the Joker by kissing him.
You’re so powrful and purple, I love purple. She ducks down and is she…? But Batman comes storming in.
Joker says you made me, but Batman counters with you made me.
WOW!
He pits glasses on and says you wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses. He manages to push both Vale and batman over the edge. They are hanging on the side of the building.
Is this he end?
Joker steps on the church’s old bricks trying to get it come crashing down on the two. His helicopter comes and it looks like it is the end.
Batman has one more thing, he shoots a batarang that gets the joker caught on a gargoyle. They can’t pull him up and when they pull the gargoyle out, ouch as it is pulling down on is leg.
Joker can’t hold the weight, slips, and goes crashing down. So does the church roof, but Batman and Vale are saved.
The police gather around Joker’s body and that’s his end of the reign of terror.
At the next press conference, thy reveal Batman gave them the bat signal to call him if they were ever in need. Vale walks off and looks up to the sky, then sees her man’s butler in his fancy car. And that is the amazing Batman (1989)
Since the death of Jonathan Harker Count Dracula the propagator of this unspeakable evil has disappeared. He must be found and destroyed!
So typically when I begin Horrorfest I always start and end with a movie I love. As my drama teacher always said “you want to start and end hot. The middle can be a failure but you want them going in to love it, and exiting to love it.”
This year I had a really hard time choosing a film to start with. I really wanted to do something from the 1940s, like Rebecca, The Phantom of the Opera (starring Claude Raines), or The Return of the Vampire, etc- but this year the pick needs to be from the 1950s. I also really wanted to start off with a Gothic film to honor Catherine Morland.
Eventually I decided on Horror of Dracula, as the Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing films are iconic, gothic, and not the classic classic monster films-but are Classic monster films.
This was called Dracula in England, but in the US it had to be changed to the Horror of Dracula as they still showed Dracula (1931) in theaters.
The only thing it, I have ever seen it before.
In fact don’t think I’ve reviewed any Hammer films yet, I didn’t grow up watching them but the classic universal films instead. I hope this goes well!
So as the film begins the credits rolls, and as I look at them I notice in the credits Michael Gough. I feel like I saw that name recently in something I watched…
Hmm…
I know he played Mr. Bennet in version of Pride and Prejudice, but that’s not what I’m thinking of. Then it hits me! He’s Alfred in Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman and Robin.
Anyways, we see a crypt! As we zoom into the tomb we spot a tomb and the coffin of Dracula!
But then blood squirts on it-weird.
We then move to the diary of Jonathan Harker. It is May 3, 1885. A carriage brings Jonathan to Castle Dracula as Jonathan narrates. He is going to see Dracula as he wants to make good money to marry his fiance.
Majorly
Yes, it turns out that this is not like the original novel, but that Jonathan has come to the Castle under false pretenses. He’s there for another plan-to hunt slay Dracula.
You could say he is Harker the Vampire Slayer!
The castle seemed fine in the warm afternoon sun, normal except no birds. Now I’m not a fan of birds, you know-but even I know thats not good.
That is not good,
The house is nice but I wish it was in black and white. It’s not so creepy when you see it in color, especially all the bright red. I mean look how creepy this is:
And then Dracula is not even there to greet him! What, no awesome scene?!?
So if you have been following me for a while, you know how I feel about remakes and sequels:
And so far I’m not liking the changes.
I’m not happy
Jonathan does find a note from Dracula, after all he is a gentleman:
My Dear Harker,
I am sorry I was unable to meet you. Eat well, make yourself comfortable.
Dracula
Jonathan eats and it actually reminds me of Beauty and the Beast, the original fairytale when he is left a note by the castle owner.
As he looks around the castle he meets a beautiful woman who begs him to take her awry from here. Jonathan introduces himself as the librarian come to catalog Dracula’s books. In this Jonathan is a librarian and not solicitor/real estate agent? I know I should be upset at the change but all I can think is that I’ll be able to add another library to my list.
So the woman runs off when Dracula (Christopher Lee) comes. This portrayal of Dracula is very interesting-he seems normal, and a regular guy. He is helpful by picking up his luggage and shows him to his room, him a count! I have to admit I like his portrayal. It’s not Lugosi, but its not bad.
I mean when Lugosi entered the room, you were instantly freaked out as something was not quite right in the castle. With Lee, nothing seems off about him. He is polite, kind-the perfect employer. It is a nice way to lull you in (I mean it is Dracula, I know he’s bad).
Dracula shows Harker to his room and leaves, as he has to go out of town. Harker starts unpacking and the first thing he puts out is a picture of Mina, aw!
Dracula return to give him a key to the library, when he spots a picture of Harker’s fiancé, Lucy?? LUCY!!!
What’s the heck?
It’s supposed to be MINA!!! Ugh
Ugh! You can’t even get the names right.
After Dracula leaves, Harker sees his room is locked and he cant get out!!!
Harker starts to write in his journal-it’s weird because obviously something is not right in this home, but you still trust Dracula as Christopher Lee plays him so open.
Hmm…
That night Harker is drowsing when something is at his door. He can see the handle twisting! When he checks it he sees that it is unlocked so he walks out and downstairs to the library. There he finds the woman who begs him to help her!
Jonathan Harker: You make it very difficult for me. After all, I’m a guest here. If I’m to help you, I must have a reason.
Woman: A reason! You ask for a reason? Is it not reason enough that he locks me up in this house, holds me against my will? You can have no idea what an evil man he is… or of the terrible things he does!
He questions her more, but she can tell him nothing. Now this is very well done. I mean, like I said in the 1931 version Dracula is creepy from the beginning. In this, Dracula has bee so open and kind so when she says he’s evil you kind of feel unsure what to believe, as what she said and what we have seem of him don’t match up. (Except for you know, he’s Dracula)
Harker promises to help her and hugs her to comfort her, when she then goes right for his neck. She bites him, but Harker is saved when Dracula storms into the room.
That is not good,
Dracula and his Vampire bride fight with each other, as she wants Jonathan and Dracula wants him to be let alone. Harker tries to help her, while Dracula throws him off choking him until he is knocked out.
Ouch
He then carries his bride off through a secret door in the library bookshelves.
The next morning Harker wakes up in his room The door is locked from the utside and he cant get out. Was it all a dream?
Hmmm
No, he has the bite marks with bright red blood on his neck. Yeah the blood doesn’t look right. I think this would have been better in black and white.
He pulls his journal out of the chest of draws (which is pretty cool, it has all these different sizes on it.) He writes that he has become a victim of Dracula and prays that he will not become one of them and that if he fails, someone with the knowledge to do what is necessary will release his soul.
He decides to do what he has set out to do. He’s on a search to find the resting place of Dracula and destroy him!
He hides his journal in a hedge and then goes looking for Dracula’s tomb. As he walks around the set, it reminds me of the Dr. Jekyll and the Werewolf film I watched last year.
Harker finds the tomb, the girl is there as well. He unrolls his package which holds a stake and mallet to put the girl out of her misery. He should have done Dracula first instead of the girl so she wouldn’t wake him up. Dumb.
Night falls and the woman’s screams awaken Dracula. The girl turns into an old lady as she is now dead. Harker turns to stake Dracula, but he is GONE!!!
Bad things happen when you don’t listen
Always do the Prince of Darkness first boy. Who mentored you??
Seriously
Wait a sec…they aren’t going to kill Harker are they? The scene fades out so I am not sure if they locked him up in the tomb, or if Dracula killed him.
Hmm…
Back in the village pub a man walks in with aristocratic features and fancy gentlemen clothes who asks about Mr. Harker. It is Dr. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) who questions the pub owners but they claim to know nothing.
The pub owner warns Van Helsing to get out of these strange parts, but Van Helsing won’t give up. The waitress, however, takes pity on him and Harker and gives Van Helsing the Harker’s diary that was found.
Van Helsing goes up to Dracula’s castle and sees a black hearse carriage carrying off a white coffin. This is obviously Dracula taking off.
Van Helsing goes into the castle searching for Harker, but finds him nowhere. He does find his room which has ben horribly disturbed. And the picture of Lucy (it should be MINA), is gone! Oh no-Dracula took it! That means he has some nefarious purposes!
Oh no!
Van Helsing finds the tomb and steps inside. The dead female vampire is there, and Harker!???!! He’s a vapmire?!!!!!! vampire???!!!!!! (sorry I was in such shock I couldn’t spell)
WHATTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But, but, but the story! What’s going to happen?
What’s going on?
Aww, Van Helsing picks up the stake and mallet and has to take care of his friend. That’s heartbreaking.
Van Helsing returns to tell Lucy that Harker died, but she is ill so he meets with her brother Arthur Holmwood (Michael Gough) and Mina (Melissa Stribling). Arthur doesn’t believe him-he finds everything suspicious. He is angry as they should have been told sooner.
Now this seems odd to me. Grief makes you angry, I know, but he seems to extra hate him. Van Helsing gives them the death certificate and is sent out.
Arthur’s wife tries to calm him down and they go to see Lucy. Poor Lucy! She has been ill and can’t wait for Jonathan to return. But he won’t be.
So when I was watching this I began counting off all the things they changed in this film. But I guess if they were competing with Dracula (1931) and Return of Dracula (1958), you want to do something new.
After Mina and Arthur leave, Lucy gets up. Is she faking being ill?
Nope!
Lucy goes to her window and opens the door, allowing the wind and leaves in. She then takes off her cross necklace, NOOOO don’t do that! And then waits in bed for her vampire lover.
Van Helsing is going through Harker’s diary while listening to his notes on killing vampires.This listening to his list is mostly for us-1) They can’t handle light, they can’t go out, 2) Garlic, they can’t stand it, and 3) The crucifix, the crucifix protects the human being but reveals the vampire or the vampire victim.
Van Helsing is determined to go and find & destroy Dracula!
Meanwhile, Dracul at this moment is with Lucy in her bed. He pulls up his cape and fade out.
That is not good,
Dr. Seward has been trying to help but is puzzled by why she is getting sicker. They think it is just anemia, and all I can think is too bad women wore such high collars or else they would spot the fang marks.
Mina Holmwood goes to see Van Helsing and confides her worries about Lucy. She was afflicted 10 days ago, the same time when Jonathan died…
Van Helsing goes to see Lucy, and spots the wounds on her neck right away. Mina noticed the wounds on the neck too, but thought she was stung by something.
Van Helsing tells Mina to leave the windows shut at night and to put Garlic flowers at the window and by her bed. He warns Mina to do what he says or else Lucy will die.
Lucy, however, doesn’t want them and begs the housekeepr Gerta to remove the flowers and to open the windows, and of course Gerta listens, NOOOOOO!!!
The next day Lucy is dead. Gerta admits she opened the widow and took the plants away. Arthur, however, doesn’t blame her. Instead he blames Van Helsing as he can’t stand him. But why blame Van Helsing? If anything, why not blame the doctor who was supposed to be treating them?
Van Helsing gives Arthur the diary to read so he can know the truth, and walks out.
That night the couple is grieving when a policeman comes with Tonya, Gerda’s daughter. Tonya tell Mina that Lucy was walking with her and then someone came and she took off.
That night arthur goes to the crypt and Lucy is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gasp!
So this movie has strayed heavily from the book and I have no clue what will happen next, beside of course Dracula and Van Helsing will eventually fight.
That night Tonya goes off with Lucy, who called to her. Lucy has giant fangs, but Tonya doesn’t see them. Arthur goes looking around, confused Then spots Lucy with Tonya. I like how she glides-unearthly walking.
Lucy tries to get Arthur, but Van Helsing is there! He puts the cross on Lucy’s forehead and it burns her. She runs into the crypt, with Arthur following. Van Helsing gives Tonya his coat and the crucifix as he goes after Arthur.
Van Helsing wants to let Lucy roam free to find Dracula, but Arthur won’t have that. So Van Helsing sends Tonya home with Arthur and then when he returns Van Helsing prepares to make sure she will not walk again but rest.
Arthur: [Van Helsing prepares to stake Lucy] Is there no other way? It’s horrible.
Doctor Van Helsing: Please try and understand this is not Lucy the sister you loved. It’s only a shell possessed and corrupted by the evil of Dracula. To liberate her soul and give her peace we must destroy that shell for all time. Believe me there is no other way.
So vampires are supposed to be staled through the heart, but here he does it under her left breast.
Poor Arthur hes traumatized by the screams of his sister.
So now that he does not have a bride, Dracula will be on the hunt for another.
Arthur reads Harker’s diary and decides to join Van Helsing to stop the evil. The first thing they need to do is find Dracula. The vampire must rest in his own soil during the day. They must travel to the border to discover where the coffin was going.
Hmm…
They leave Mina alone as they travel off. Poor Mina. I hope Dracula doesn’t come after her.
Later that evening, long after the men have left a boy comes to the l door with a message-Arthur says to go to 49 Fredricks Street. Okay I actually am not sure what street he said and I couldn’t find it online, but that’s what it sounded to me. Uh, oh. We know it not the guys, that means it must be:
So over at Customs on the border, Van Helsing is arguing with the clerk, but Arthur has had enough of that and just bribes him.
49 Fredricks Street! Oh no, the same address given to Mina! The mortician’s address! The perfect place to hide a coffin.
Oh no!
Mina searches for Arthur, which really shouldn’t she be more suspicious? Why would her husband send her to a mortuary? Especially one that is closed? She searches the mortuary and finds the coffin, Dracula poking out.
Arthur and Van Helsing return home but Mina isn’t there. They find her, but she’s pale, not herself, and covering her neck! She must have been bitten too.
The two go to the morticians but the coffin is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!
They return to the house unsure where he went. He could be anywhere.
Mina questions them but they tell her nothing! Jerks, maybe if you gave her the whle story she wouldn’t have been running to mortuaries and getting bit.
Arthur is worried and gives her a cross to wear, but when she touches it she faints! It leaves a burn mark in her hand-she has been bit.
Arhthur is angry, but this time at himself. He knows he should have listened to Van Helsing. They decide to leave her alone and watch for Dracula. That night they wait and watch.
That night all is quiet, so when they head indoors to check on Mina they are shocked to find her dead!
What they be killing everybody! I am super into this movie and have no clue where it is going next!
Oh no, she’s still okay, they give her a blood transfusion.
You know for a Dracula movie, we don’t sped a lot of time with Dracula. It’s very different, but not in a bad way, as we focus on Ven Helsing and Dracula becomes more shadowy and unknown. He only talks to Jonathan Harker in this making it only a few lines of dialogue. Although I definitely prefer that over Dracula 2000.
I hate that movie.
After the transfusion Van Helsing makes Arthur go downstairs to get something to drink. Didn’t he just HAVE a transfusion-have Gerda fetch him some, or you go get him something. He should not be walking.
Both the men are shocked how Dracula could have gotten in, they were watching all the entrances and never spotted him. Arthur is convinced he can shape-shift, but Van Helsing assures him that is not the answer. Then what is?
Hmmm
They ask Gerda to fetch another bottle of wine, but she refuses as she doesn’t want to go down the the cellar, Mina told her not to. The answer hits Van Helsing and he goes running down there and finds the coffin, BUT ITS EMPTY!!!! Dracla has outsmarted them, he’s awake and he’s trapped Van Helsing in!
Arthur gets Van Helsing out but they are too late as Dracula has carried Mina off!
Vn Helsing knows they have him on the run and with them having his coffin, the only Dracula can go is home to his castle they are off!
Back at the castle, Dracula digs a grave for Mina and throws her in, like she’s a doll, even though she’s still alive, Arthur and Helsing get there just in time.
This film really gets you going!
Dracula goes running up the stair followed by Helsing. But the house is vast with many nooks and crannies and secret passage ways. Sidenote: Except for the vampire trying to make you undead, this would be an awesome place to live!
Anyways, Helsing finds him and Dracula starts choking him. Helsing passes out!
And Dracula is going to bit him but, oh no Helsing faked it. The music is pumping along to bring the excitement as Helsing runs for the curtains and pulls them aside-causing the sun to come in and Dracula to turn to dust! Dracula tries to stop him, but Van Helsing makes a crucifix out of candlesticks and stops him.
Ew, thisscene is great and crazy, like Indiana Jones.
With the vampire that turned her dead, Mina is back to normal. And the evil is dead.
…or is it? I know the DVD I rented from the library has four Dracula films so he must come back. You can’t kill evil after all…
So what’d I think? I really liked it! You know me, I’m not one for you know remakes, but I enjoyed this a lot.
It strayedheavily from the book. But I guess with something that has been around a while and remade constantly you have to do something to make it surprising. I actually liked how we focused so much on Van Helsing, and I liked Michael Gough assisting as Arthur.
I’m interested in watching the other films but I won’t be reviewing them this Horrorfest, I already have the whole month planned out.
It wouldn’t be Horrorfest without our facebook banner:
So this kicks off the beginning of Horrorfest ViII. I hope you enjoy it and the spooks, thrills, and chills that are to come.
Every three thousand years, the stars align. Unleashing an army of monsters.
If you’ve been following me you’ve read this already, but for the new readers I’m giving a little background as to why I choose a TMNT film. If you have seen it already, feel free to skip ahead
So this is our second installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ films.
So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.
I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.
So last week I started with the 2014 film as it contained a lot of horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.
Today we are doing the 2007 version/remake. In this one we have a lot of horror film components, I mean we have giant stones turning into monsters and trying to destroy New York City. So no use waiting around:
The Review
So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.
I was not excited about this film coming out at all. It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.
But my nephew loved the film and wanted me to watch it with him when it came out. What are you gonna do? It’s family!
But I was right. It was horrible.
So the film starts off with long narration about an Aztec warrior finding a portal to another dimension granting him immortality but his generals were turned to stone. It also released 13 monsters, everything from Bigfoot to the Jersey Devil.
Flashforward to present times, after the defeat of the Shredder, the turtles have broken up.
Yes…I’ll get to that later. So Leonardo was sent to central America to train to be a leader and hasn’t returned. Since then, the remaining turtles have been working
Yes…I know. More later. With Raphael doing vigilante things at night.
April is working as a relic acquirer
And not a reporter
Yes…I know. More later. She runs into Leonardo and convinces him to come back. He does and him and Raphael fight all the time.
OVERDONE
April delivers the statue she find to the uber rich Max Winters, makes me think of Shreck from Batman Returns, and he hires the Foot clan to hunt down the 13 monsters.
The Generals awaken and help hunt down the monsters, but when they discover they won’t be immortal with all 13, they want to betray Winters.
Thanks to Casey, they’ve discovered the Aztec warrior is Winters and try to help him. Meanwhile Leonardo hates the vigilante Raphael is secretly, and tries to stop him. When he finds out it is Raphael, the two fight and Leonardo ends up getting captured by the generals as the 13 monster.
And in the end they save the day, destroy the monsters, and reunite.
So why did I hate it? Let’s count down!
1) CGI
The CGI was horrible. They looked awful and boxy and just bad. I would have preferred 2D. I mean look at Casey, his whole face and body, just no.
Not the right one.
And it’s not like CGI was still working out the kinks. I mean you had some good stuff like Ratatouille, Meet the Robinsons, I mean even the dumb movies like The Bee Movie and Alvin and the Chipmunks had good CGI. This was just bad.
2) Instead of the Turtle Background We are Focusing on Aztec Warrior Meets Monsters Meets Multiple Dimensions
WOW
I know this is so strange. They give the turtle background as to who they are, how they were created, and such like three lines! Three LINES!
Four turtles. Four brothers. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York. Named after the Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas.
And then we are supposed to give our attention to this Yactl or whatever, his generals turning into stone, immortality gift, blah blah…
Blah, blah
Our full attention?
I PAID TO SEE A TURTLE FILM!!! I WANT THE TURTLES!!!
It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!
I mean really, out of all the comic written, this is the back story you want to give us???!!! OUT OF EVERYTHING??? Who was paid to write that? If it had been up to me, as soon as I read that, they would have been FIRED!!!
3) Why Was the Main Warrior Not Turned to Stone?
So how come Yactl was not turned to stone but all the generals were? They never really seem to explain why he was the only one given the immortality. Then again maybe they did, but my mind glazed over when I had to pay attention to the most non-turtle Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film.
Yes film you are so bad you are forcing me to reference not just the Master of Disguise, but its stupidest scene to talk about how I feel.
4) The Turtles are Split Up
Hey guys let me point you to the title of the comics and the films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes did you get that? TurtleS!!!!!!! TurtlesSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT!!!!!! THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE THAN ONE TURTLE FIGHTING!!!
It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!
Yes, they split the turtles up and send Leonardo to South America, why I don’t know. It’s dumb, it makes no sense, just argh!. They are supposed to be a team! When I paid for my ticket I paid to see four turtles not one on his own. And it makes no sense why they would split them up? Like seriously, who wanted that. Did any of these people read the comics or watch the TV show/films. I mean seriously!!!
Let’s move on…
5) April is Not a Reporter but Tomb Raider
April is not a reporter…
Yes April is not a reporter…
April is not a reporter but a tomb raider…
Yes no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds dumb. Why isn’t she a reporter? I mean how could she even go from reporter to tomb raider. It’s not like she’s an archeologist or anthropologist, or knows any of that stuff at all. And I SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A REPORTER!!!!!
And to ease the suckage of this film
6) The Turtles Have Jobs
WHAT!
The TURTLES have JOBS?!!!!!!
Just end the film here because that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
So you are telling me GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES with no social security numbers, good contact info, experience, etc are able to have jobs?
And let’s just forget about the social security number, experience, education; you know all those things you need to work and focus on this tiny little issue: GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES!!!!!!!!!
How do GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES get jobs? Huh HOW?!!!!!!!!!! This is just so stupid that if I think about it any longer my IQ will drop.
7) Why is Raphael the Nightwatcher?
So Raphael is the only one continuing to fight crime and be a ninja superhero. But instead of continuing as himself, he has faux batman gear and even takes on a faux Batman name with Nightwatcher (similar to Nightwing). I mean why does he even have to dress up? He is a giant turtle!!! And why hide it? Just because Leonardo is gone they can’t be vigilantes anymore? That makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are driving me insane!!!!
8) No Shredder
While its true you don’t have to have a Shredder to make a TMNT film, you notice how much they suck when they don’t have one. Like this movie, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. I mean Shredder and Turtles just go together, it’d be like making macaroni and cheese with no macaroni.
9) The Convoluted Plot
It feels like they spend hours talking about Yactl, the monsters, dimensions, blah blah blah.
I totally checked out from this film. I mean I came to see TMNT, not all this useless drivel they keep trying to push. Just dumb, dumb, dumb.
10) Raphael and Leonardo Fight Over Who is the Leader
Ugh I hate this plot thread. It is too:
OVERDONE
I mean it worked in the first film, but because of that it doesn’t mean you have to do it non-stop!! Just do something else. I swear that if I see this repeated one more time in a TMNT film(not counting the 2014 one) I will be held responsible for me actions.
ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!
11) The End
It was horrible, dumb, and I didn’t like it. The only thing that was good was that it was over!
Good-bye forever!
Yes this film was horrible, just horrible. I mean it was so bad, it made the 2014 film look good. For all their faults, at least they tried to make a TMNT film that actually centered on the TMNT.
Well that’s it for this post. Next week I’ll be reviewing the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film. How does it compare? How does it hold up? Well, all those questions will be answered in seven days.
janeaustenrunsmylife 