I found the show absolutely hilarious and started watching it all the time. That is until they mentioned the last season. I stopped watching as I didn’t want it to end right away. But of course, if you love something you can’t stay away from it too long.
So the show is about Shawn Spencer (James Roday) who is just your average guy, except for one thing. He has a photographic memory.
His father was a cop and honed a thousand such skills, like psychology of body language, how to detect liars, etc- in him. He rebelled from his father and left his home of Santa Barbara, CA to travel all over the world. When he returns, he is able to solve tons of crimes just from watching the news reports. When the cops get suspicious on how he is doing it, thinking he is actually committing some of these crimes, he lies and says he is a psychic.
Oh, well
Soon he has roped his best friend since childhood, Burton “Gus” Guster into being a part of his crime solving crew, and the duo become consultants for the SBPD (Santa Barbara Police Department).
So a lot of stuff has happened when this episode airs. Shawn and Gus have cemented themselves as consultants for the SBPD and have solved tons of cases. Shawn has started dating Officer Juliet O’Hara, after a long series of him trying to get with her.
Carlton Lassiter and Shawn have a relationship in which most of the time they can’t stand each other, but do have moments where they actually work together.
Carlton wife has divorced him, he’s lonely and unhappy with life. One night as he is drinking at a bar he is approached by a beautiful blonde woman, Marlowe. For serious fans, you’ll recignize her as Kristy Swanson, the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Sh disappears, and Carlton searches for her. The next morning he’s called to a crime scene where a victim has lost all their blood and has two pinpricks at the neck and wrist.
hmm…
Of course Shawn and Gus immediately think Vampire.
And they start investigating as others are attacked and the local blood bank is hit.
Juliet O’Hara; Shawn Spencer as Lestat from Interview With a Vampire; and Gus Guster as Mamuwalde from Blacula
Marlowe ties into all this somehow-could she be a killer? Or worse-a vampire?
Most Romantic Moment: I Will Wait for You
***Spoiler Warning***
So this romantic moment comes at the very end of the episode. Carlton has fallen for Marlowe, only to discover that she originally approached him to knock him out and drain his blood for her brother-someone who suffers from a rare blood type and rare disease that keeps him in constant need of transfusions.
Ouch
She didn’t go through with it, and wanted to date him for him-but has to serve jail time for breaking into the local blood bank and stealing vials for her brother.
She asks him to visit so she can talk to him and he comes.
Marlowe Viccellio: [in jail] I wasn’t sure you’d come.
Carlton Lassiter: I’m a man of my word.
Marlowe Viccellio: I’m so sorry. I wish I…
Carlton Lassiter: Look, you did what you thought you had to do. If there’s an upside to any of this, it’s that your brother will finally get the care he needs now that he’s going to be in the system for a long, long, long time…Can I ask you something?
Marlowe Viccellio: Anything.
Carlton Lassiter: Where would you rate “Pink Cadillac” in the Eastwood canon?
Marlowe Viccellio: Not very high, I’m afraid. I mean, I suppose it’s good as a companion piece to “City Heat”, but he’s much funnier with the orangutan.
[Lassiter turns away, hastily scribbles a note on a scrap of paper, then turns back around and presses the note against the glass]
Awwwwwwwww, so romantic!
Aw!
Not only is he loyal and waits for her, but faithfully visits her every Wednesday.
So that means it is time to review a TV episode for TV Tuesday
Vampires are coming to Riverdale
This came on the VHS with Attack of the Killer Spuds. This was a pretty good series of episodes, although I thought the end made no sense.
So this storyline is told in three parts; a Vampire Tale in Three Acts. Originally I was going to do them all together, but I have been trying to review this since the first Horrorfest, and every time I find mysef unable to do it . That’s six years of trying.
Wow
So I have decided that I will review each episode individually. I know that makes it a little odd to have so many TV episodes, but I am ready to get this done.
Act One: Scarlet Night
“Cross of silver, ray of light, in ender’s hand, shall end the night”
The film starts out with Veronica having this strange dream of a Vampire attacking her, only to destroy him with an antique cross necklace. She laughs off the freak only to be scared by a redheaded girl.
The next day she is telling Betty about her dream, mostly laughing it off. They meet up with Jughead and Archie. Then a new girl enters the scene
Redhead Ah!
A new girl has moved to town, and she looks exactly like the girl in Veronica’s dream.
Her name is Scarlet Helsing (like Van Helsing) and she promptly takes Archie off to discuss his article and her own “weird mysteries”.
Hmm…
This makes Veronica very angry.
Betty and Veronica are determined to get Archie back, Betty going on the computer to research her, while Veronica decides to follow them.
Veronica is driving around not paying attention to anything, when she crashes right into Dr. Strange’s Mystical Shop. No, it’s not the Dr. Strange, although he does remind me of him, Dr. Beaumont is the proprietor. As Veronica is picking up Dr. Beaumont’s spilled items, she sees a necklace, an amulet to be exact.
Just like the one in her dream.
Dr. Beaumont tells Veronica that it is the Ender’s Stone.
“Cross of silver,
Ray of light,
In Ender’s Hand,
Shall end the night.”
He tells Veronica that there is a prophecy, that on Halloween this year, the sun will set and never rise again, beginning the reign of the Vampires!
AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, in Pop’s Chocklit Shop, Scarlet is telling Archie the same thing. She has been researching the event and discovered that the only one who can save them is the Ender using the Sun stone or Amulet. Scarlet doesn’t know who the Ender is, as the book wasn’t complete. BUT does know that it is a girl.
Does this sound familiar to you?
How about her?
Yes, this series of episodes are a parody of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. While the Master looks like the Master in Buffy the Vampire (TV Series), the rest of it resembles more of the 1992 film than the show.
In the 1992 film, Buffy was a valley girl, uber rich, and a cheerleader who only cared about fashion. In Archie’s Weird Mysteries (AWM), Veronica talks in a valley girl voice, is uber rich, and a cheerleader who only cares about fashion. Both don’t want to be a Slayer or Ender, trying to pass it off to others, but find themselves accepting the role when push comes to shove.
Also the way the Vampires look and float everywhere resembles the 1992 film more than the TV show.
All right, let’s get back to the review.
So Dr. Beaumont, after hearing Veronica’s dream, decides that she must be the chosen one. He gives her the amulet and takes off.
Veronica does not want the amulet or to be the chosen one.
She decides to head over to Pops to find Archie. After all, he’s the Weird Mystery expert, he should know what to do.
While Archie and Veronica are talking in the parking lot, two vampires come up behind them and begin chasing them, trying to bite them.
They manage to climb a building, but when the Vampires follow them there, they jump off, using a vampire to break their fall.
Back on solid ground, they spot Dr. Beaumont’s Shop, and as he forgot to lock the door, they hide inside it. Veronica is even more convinced that she is not the Ender, and gives the necklace to Archie. But while inside Veronica spots an open book. She reads the pages and sees another prophecy about the Ender.
“Raven and Red upon their heads,
Destiny awakens,
One girl is the Ender,
While the other is mistaken.”
Before she can think about what it means, Archie tells her the coast is clear and that they should make a run for it. They discover that it was really a trap, as the Vampires are waiting outside the doors. The Vampires attack, but they manage to fight them off and run.
As they run, they run right into Scarlet.
How did she just happen upon them? Sounds suspicious. I think she’s evil.
Scarlet takes down the Vampires, knocking them out. When Archie asks how she found them, she tells him she was “lucky” and that she has been following Archie to “help him.” Yeah, I don’t think so. This girl is crazy. Step away, step far, far, away.
Her in this case
And following him? Hello stalker.
Archie needs to hang out with Betty more, she’s the only normal one here.
Anyways, Veronica is convinced that any girl who can beat up a couple of Vampires, must be the Ender. She decides to head home, while Archie and Scarlet go to his place.
Back at Veronica’s mansion, Betty calls. It turns out that she has some very interesting news about Scarlet from her old school. It is really old, as Scarlet went to high school over 200 years ago!
That means only one thing. She is a Vampire!!!
AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Veronica collects her things and sets out for Archie’s place.
Back at the Andrews residence, Archie gives Scarlet the amulet, telling her that he thinks she is the Ender. Scarlet refuses, Archie argues and while he is doing so, he notices something weird. Scarlett has no refecltion in the mirror!!!
Scarket is a vampire!!!
AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scarlet can walk around during the day, like the other vampire minions, as long as she stays in her human form. It was her job to find and kill the Ender, so that nothing stood between the Master and the Eternal night. He needs Eternal night as he cannot roam during the day. As Scarlet has revealed all, she settles down to feed on Archie.
When she is stopped by…Jughead with a hamburger!
Yes, Jughead stuffs a GARLIC hamburger in Scarlet’s mouth, while he, Betty, and Veronica pull Archie out of the house through the window. Archie grabbing the necklace on his way out.
Veronica quickly grabs the necklace and thrusts it upwards, using it to kill the vampires. Archie & the gang have not only won, but Veronica discovered she is capable of much more than shopping.
Let’s see, we’ve done teen zombies with Thriller, teen vampires with Once Bitten…what are we missing? Oh yes:
I’m… a werewolf.
So you are probably wondering why I didn’t review this film two years ago when my Horrorfest III was obsessed with werewolves. I wanted to, but didn’t have enough time.
So instead I am doing it now as it seems fitting with all my other teen films I have done so far. So this film was Michael J. Fox’s first non-TV film. The only reason he was able to make it, was because filming was delayed by his TV mom, Meredith Baxter’s pregnancy. However, this film came out after Back to the Future even though he made it first. And even though people liked this film, Back to the Future became the monster hit of the year.
But while people loved this film, this was actually Michael J. Fox’s least favorite film. He disliked it so much he declined being in the sequel Teen Wolf Too. Instead going on to do The Secret of My Success, Bright Lights Big City, and of course Back to the Future: Part II.
I have to agree with Michael J. Fox, while I don’t hate it, it isn’t my favorite of his work. I mean we all know what that is…
Okay, enough with The Back to the Future references, let’s move on to Teen Wolf!
So this film takes the idea from I Was a Teenage Werewolf but steers away from the darker tones and tries to focus on what teen life would be like with instead of puberty, you turn into a werewolf.
So the film starts off with Scott Howard’s (Michael J. Fox) basketball game. Scott is not the best player and not popular, more on the geeky side.
I know, an uncool Michael J. Fox?
It seems impossible to me. But this is acting, sometimes we pretend to be the opposite of what we are.
So moving on. So he’s horrible at basketball, the most popular girl in school won’t say two words to him, he is bullied, etc. And to top it all off his body has been going through some…changes.
First he growls during the basketball game
Then he finds a super long hair on his chest, hair on his hands, pointy ears, wolf teeth, and during a two minutes in heaven at a party he grows crazy long nails and scratches up his best friend, who is secretly in love with him and he is totally oblivious to), Boof.
What?
Yes, that is her name. She was named after the writer’s friend from high school. Anyways, he soon learns from his dad what is causing this.
I liked the transformation scene it was pretty creepy looking, good job makeup guys. I thought the make up was cool too, sort of similar to I Was a Teenage Werewolf but longer hair.
Scott decides to let his best friend know about him being a werewolf, and his friend Stiles (Jerry Levine [you might recognize him as Jamie in Casual Sex] who doesn’t freak out but decides that they could profit from this if done right. Yes, in this werewolf’s don’t act bestial and attack, the full moon doesn’t come into play, and no one screams in terror or tries to kill him; instead the Horwards can control it, most of the time. And unlike most horror or werewolf films; Michael J. Fox spends most of the film in werewolf makeup.
Most werewolf films is either split fifty-fifty, or under fifty. And of you think of it, most werewolf films focus on how the person’s life is affected, trying to stop it, the carnage that comes of it; not how you could profit from it or being a werewolf almost 24 hours a day. Yes, this is a very different concept.
I’m in shock
So everything comes to a head when during one of the games he fully voges into a werewolf.
We then see how being the wolf is bettering his life. He is a better basketball player
I know I thought it was weird too, but then again they did do the same thing in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992). After the guys were bit by vampires, they suddenly became extremely good at basketball. I guess being a supernatural being makes you good at sports.
Who knew?
He becomes super popular, Stiles selling all kinds of merchandise and products. It makes him smarter as he starts getting A’s in his classes, everyone loves him and wants his autograph, and the the most popular girl in school starts wanting to be with him.
In fact, one of the weirdest nonsensical scenes involves the most popular girl in school, Pamela. Scott has been asked to be in the school play, a play that was previously just Pamela and the director, and she comes on to Scott. At first the scene starts off with her in her bra and panties, and then she takes her bra off. We cut away to hear Scott howling, so it is safe to assume they had sex. After this they go on a date and her boyfriend Mick is there and angry at Scott for being with his woman. When Scott talks to Pamela about it, she says:
Pamela: Well, you can’t really blame him. He is my boyfriend.
Well then why were you messing with Scott?
What?
When Scott asks her the same thing, she says that it was then and just something that happens.
And she legit does not get why Scott is confused. If you ask me, she and the school drama teacher were probably doing some stuff backstage. I mean otherwise why was the school production a production of one and why did he cast such a horrible actress as the lead?
So the film instead of being a werewolf film, actually becomes a teen film about a person getting too much fame and losing who they are; turning on their friends and the people who really care about him. He hardly spends time with Boof and keeps having “cooler” things to do then help out with his father’s hardware store.
Scott Howard: I was with Stiles this afternoon.
Harold Howard: I know.
Scott Howard: You saw?
Harold Howard: Yeah, I saw, unless that was another werewolf doing a handstand on top of Stiles’ wolfmobile and making a fool of himself.
I think that is one of the things that made me dislike the film. We had a werewolf but not a real one; instead a drama about teenagers that could have been done without the transformation scenes.
Although I did think the van surfing scene was cool.
So everything comes to a head when they go to the school dance. First Scott starts off as the wolf, but goes back to being plain old Scott; switching back to the wolf when instigated into a fight. The rage and anger he has at the other student scares him and makes him wonder at his ability. Can he hold it together, or will he become like the other wolfmen?
He also is struggling with who he should be, another teen element and not real horror one. Should he be what everyone wants? The wolf? Or should he be true to his heart and be himself?
It is time for the final game, and Scott decides to be himself instead of the wolf. In Karate Kid fashion (but not as good) we have a montage of the basketball game with Scott scoring the final basket and finally coming to terms with who he is.
So there is Teen Wolf. It isn’t horrible, but just regurgitates a lot of teen films clichés and tosses in werewolves. It also had a lot of montages and drags in a quite a few places. It also is weird placing it in a genre; it’s too serious to be a comedy, but too serious to be a drama, and it doesn’t really contain the typology of a horror film. Its a bit mish-mash and will be either be a hit for you or just meh.
But whether you love or hate the film, there is one thing we can all agree on: Michael J. Fox is the BEST!
So I hope you all had a great Halloween. Mine was pretty good, and I had an awesome costume. I was a ghostbuster, and designed a suit and proton pack; making it as close to the film as possible, but using a name patch with my own last name. In fact, I plan on wearing it every Friday the 13th. Awesome right?
So I’m sure you all have been wondering, what was going on with Horrorfest? I missed days, posted unedited pieces, and only completed 28/31 posts. Well, October was really full. I had two weddings; both of my cats were injured within two days of each other and I had to take them to the vet for stitches, having to monitor them, administer medicine twice a day, and change their box constantly; worked my usual jobs; went to the Back to the Future trilogy at my local cinema; and I had a graduation for one of my works, and more.
And that’s just the tip of it. I also had some family issues that came up, causing me less time to work on this.
So I am sorry for the delays and unfinished work, next year I promise it won’t be like that. Next year will mark my fifth Horrorfest, and I’m planning to go all out for it.
So as there are only three posts that weren’t done, I am going to finish writing and posting them. After I do so I will update this post with those completed works. So let’s go to our Horrorfest wrap-up!
So this year I reviewed 23 films, 4 TV episodes, and had 2 editorials.
So one thing I noticed about this year was that my first Horrorfest the first film I reviewed was made in 1962, in the second Horrorfest the first film I reviewed was made in 1954, in the third Horrorfest the first film I reviewed was made in 1941, and this year’s first post was made in 1931. 1960s, 1950s, 1940s, and 1930s. I did that all without realizing it. Pretty cool, huh?
So this year I ended up with quite a few themes. The first being mad scientists; this occuring in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, along with Avengers: Age of Ultron.
Classic literature once again proved to be a prime place to find film adaptations perfect for Horrorfest. This year we had Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, A Study in Scarlet, and The Brothers’ Grimm Fairy Tales.
Aliens were also a big theme this year. There was Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Alien vs. Predator, a Twilight Zone episode, The Iron Giant,Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and Total Recall.
I also thought that doing three Alfred Hitchcock films was something I should continue. This year I reviewed Jamaica Inn, The 39 Steps; and after talking about it for three years, I finally reviewed Psycho.
This year I decided that every Friday would be a TV show review: choosing episodes from The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries, The Twilight Zone, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Midsomer Murders.
I also had the theme of boyfriends/husbands/wives who are more than what they seem. These were Dangerous Crossing, The Screaming Skull, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, Rosemary’s Baby, Gaslight,The Stepford Wives, and Total Recall.
We also had quite a few robots. The Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, The Iron Giant, Avengers: Age of Ultron, and The Stepford Wives.
Witches made a comeback; in Rosemary’s Baby and the Midsomer Murders episode.
And after reading every year how I really, really, really wanted to do a famous Vincent Price thriller/horror/mystery; well guys you don’t have to hear me whine anymore, I finally did it with The Bat. Yay!!
So for those who have missed it, here is everything in Horrorfest IV:
Right. I’m the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.
So I’m sure a lot of you are surprised. What Buffy the Vampire Slayer is this? Well before we had this:
We had this:
In 1992, Joss Whedon’s idea of a Californian cheerleader finding out she was actually the vampire slayer of her generation, came to theaters. Only one problem, Whedon HATED it.
In fact he hated it so much, that he was reported to walk off set one day and never come back.
Five years later, Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series came out, one that stayed true to his “vision”.
So What Went Wrong?
Apparently the screenwriters felt that Whedon’s story was too dark and depressing. They wanted it to be more of a horror-parody comedy, kind of like Heathers with vampires instead of a homicidal maniac. Whedon wasn’t interested in that, as you can tell with his much darker TV series.
Joss Whedon to a T
So Is this Film Bad?
Let’s get down to the review and find out:
The film starts out with a historical piece. A medieval woman who has the birthmark (a mole), proving she is the Vampire Slayer of this generation. We switch from a very serious moment of her asking to “become the blade”.
And fighting Vampires.
And then we switch to Los Angeles and a group of cheerleaders chanting.
And Miss Buffy Summers, cheerleader extraordinaire, fashionista, and a total valley girl.
Yeah, that is pretty much the essence of the movie. They try to pin together opposites. And is it horrible? No. I love it. It is so quirky and funny. And come on, a cheerleader by day and vampire slayer ay night? That’s awesome.
So as I’m reading the credits and as I have seen this movie before I didn’t think think I would see anything important, but then Paul Reubens…wait, what?!
Pee-Wee is in a teen film? Pee-Wee Herman is in a vampire film? PEE-WEE?!!! PEE-WEE??!!! PEE-WEE HERMAN is in a TEEN VAMPIRE FILM?
How could I have missed that? Huh. And Hilary Swank? Ugh! I hate her. Ever since she ruined the Karate Kid series.
This was supposed to be her first film, so maybe she won’t be too bad. So Buffy and the gang go to the mall, shopping!
And there is something you might notice in this scene. While this movie came out in 1992, we hadn’t completely crossed over from the ’80s. You can kind of see it in the stonewash, abundance of leather, and in the “gothic” clothes of the vampire and “uncool” crowd, but most of it looks like this:
And I LOVE IT!
Anyways, so at the mall the girls are shopping when Buffy spots this totally rad jacket. And let me tell you, Buffy has a great sense of style
Her friend Kimberly (Hilary Swank), and let me just stop her and say that unless you are a pink ranger, having the name Kimberly means you are EVIL. I don’t know why, it just seems to be a trait that carries on with a name.
Anyways, she convinces her that the jacket is ugly and so yesterday.
When she is not shopping, she spends her time out with her jocky boyfriend, Jeffrey.
Jeffery is on the basketball team and one day after practice, his group splits up. Jeffery is heading over to hang out with Buffy, while two of the other guys go about town, and the last one, Robert heads home. And the route he chooses goes right through an abandoned amusement park.
Come on dude! You are going to go through an abandoned AMUSEMENT PARK????!!!!!! You are just asking to be killed.
And of course, he gets attacked by a Vampire and turned. Good-bye Robert.
Good-bye
So Jeffery is alright, but not altogether that interesting and handsome. Sorry dude, Luke Perry of the “uncoolness squad” is much better looking.
Luke Perry plays Pike, a leather wearing, motorcycle driving, mechanic. He lies above the garage that he works at. He is very dissatisfied with life him, only having one friend, Bennie (wonder if it is a nickname after the drugs, wouldn’t be surprised if it was), played by David Arquette (aw David, just can’t keep you out of Horrorfest). The boys spend most of their time drinking and making fun of those richer than them.
We then jump back to historical times so that we can get more of a background of Lothos. Lothos is the head Vampire that has destroyed every prior slayer. He is over 800 years old and has the power to hypnotize his enemies.
So for Buffy everything is going as usual. The only thing she has to worry about is the senior dance.
Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.
Nicole: The homelesses?
Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.
Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren’t too depressing?
Buffy: Guys. The environment. I’m telling you, it’s totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting’s doing it.
You know that actually sounds difficult. From being on my high school’s prom comittee, I know that it is already hard enough trying to get the committee to come up with a theme and work on decorations and such. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to throw a “socially conscious” dance.
Buffy & co run into the uncoolness squad and there is definitely one thing this movie did wrong, they made the “undesirable” guys, undesirable. I mean come on, there is a formula to this thing! They are supposed to be secretly charming and adorable. Not pigs and boring because they have zero character development!
Both Pike and Bennie are super drunk and start hitting on the girls, incredibly gross style. Bennie even acts as if he is going to whip out his junk, and Buffy slices it.
Turns out it was just a hotdog, but it just goes to show you that Buffy is intense. I would not want to mess with her.
So one night as Benny is going home, he gets attacked by a vampire and turned. He goes to the window and tries to get Pike to come out and join him, but even in his alcohol induced state, Pike can tell something is not right.
Benny: Let me in, Pike. I’m *hungry*!
Pike: Go home, Ben.
Benny: [whining] C’mon I’m hungry.
Pike: You’re floating! C’mon, man, get away from here!
Pike can tell that things aren’t right and tries to leave the city, thinking anywhere is better than here. As he is fleeing town, he luckily is saved by a creepy dude.
You look like a pervert but I guess thank you?
So life is going good for Buffy, until the same perverted-looking, old, creep comes to kidnap her.
Nah, it’s actually Donald Sutherland who is Buffy’s watcher, Merrick. But he looks like a pervert and sounds UBER CREEPY. He tells her that he can show her “the birthmark mole of slayer, if he can look on her body”, and “Come with me to the graveyard”.
Apparently Sutherland thought decided to rewrite his dialogue, I’m not sure which lines but I’m guessing these ones as they suck. He’s creepier than Nicholas Cage in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
I mean did he not hear himself? Did he not hear how creepy he SOUNDS?!!!!!!!
The idea to update to a kindly, well-dressed, English, librarian was just perfect.
Buffy still doesn’t believe him. To prove it, Merrick tosses a knife at her and Buffy catches it.
Buffy: You threw a knife at my head!
Merrick: Yes, I had to show you.
Buffy: But… you *threw* a *knife* at my *head.*
Merrick: And you caught it. Only the chosen one could have caught it.
This scene is amazing. This is some Aragorn-awesomness right here.
So Buffy agrees to go down to the graveyard and wait for Robert to come out so she can kill him. Say what you want about this movie, but you have to admit this Buffy is pretty awesome. She’s tough, intense, and extremely brave.
While they are waiting, Buffy gets bored and asks him for gum.I don’t know why, but that line just cracks me up.
I think it is because Merrick is all super serious and trying to get Buffy to understand what’s happening, but Buffy is just bored.
Robert awakes and Buffy has to fight and take him down.
Buffy may come off as a a stupid, silly cheerleader, but she can seriously kick butt. When Merrick gets attacked, Buffy takes out, not one but two Vampires.
Afterwards, Buffy heads home for some serious relaxing with her boyfriend Jeffrey. There we meet her parents who are so out of it. Like in the film, Heathers, they are just selfish and only into themselves.
Buffy’s Mom: Bye-Bye Bobby!
Jeffrey: Bye! She thinks my name is Bobby?
Buffy: It’s possible she thinks *my* name’s Bobby.
I’m not sure which is worse, to have parents who completely ignore you and don’t seem to care a whit, OR a parent that ignores you most of the time, while punishing you the rest (Joyce Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series).
So her parents go on their merry way, an Buffy + Jeffery spend the night together.
We know what they’re doing
Later that night Buffy awakes to a strange man in her bed.
As Lothos is wakening, the past lives of Slayers are flooding into her and crossing over to her world. It is a very weird scene and for a while keeps you guessing as to what is real and what is all in her head.
So Buffy and Merrick begin her training. Merrick is really hard on her as they have to make up their years of training. I just wonder who’s fault is that?
They never explain why Merrick is just approaching Buffy now either. And since we are on the topic, Merrick sucks! He’s creepy, rude, and mean. He keeps pushing Buffy and blaming her, when she’s still trying to get her head around the fact that her life is completely different.
Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it’s swell. And you come along and tell me I’m a member of the hairy mole club so you can *throw* things at me?
Oh ’90s. When everyone was in love with Christian Slater. I know I was.
Sorry for that, moving back on track.
So Buffy is upset with Merrick as he is pushing her too hard and punches him out.
Buffy is a total knockout, literally as it only took one punch to take Merrick down.
Buffy: Oh, wow. I-I never hit anybody before.
Merrick: Really? Well you did it perfectly.
Buffy: I didn’t even break a nail.
Yep, Buffy is awesome!
Merrick gives her some background information on Slayers and Watchers. A slayer is born every generation, being reincarnated when killed (so if you watch the beginning again you’ll notice that Kristy Swanson plays the historical slayer). Merrick trains the girls, watches them die, and then when his life is up he is reincarnated into Merrick the watcher again. A very sad existence if you ask me.
After this we get a training montage, Rocky style.
Buffy has accepted everything and gets super into her training. You know it’s actually not that far-fetched that a cheerleader could be this totally awesome fighter. To be a cheerleader you have to do gymnastics, lift weights; it can be INTENSE. And with Buffy, she works hard.
She’s also been hunting at night with Merrick, and one night runs into Pike.
So because of all her training, she’s been missing practices and dance committee meetings. As always in a teen movie, the principal assumes it’s drugs.
Gary: [Thinking Buffy is doing drugs] Hey, there’s nothing to be afraid of! I know where you’re coming from. Believe me. I’ll tell you the truth. I’ve had my drug experiences, too. I did a lot – I did some acid in the Sixties. Well, the late Seventies, actually. It was at a Doobie Brother’s concert… and I could see the music flowing into me, it was bright red and electric, and I felt like a big toaster, and I thought, maybe I am a toaster, we’re all molecules, and my friend Melissa, her head looked like a big party balloon, and that scared me, I started to freak out…
The sad thing is that this is probably the only thing in a teen film that actually resembles reality. When people in power act as if they are a “pal”. Ugh.
So Buffy is really starting to feel the pressure of everything. She has Merrick constantly pushing her to do more and more; otherwise she won’t be ready and die. She has her boyfriend tired of the fact that she can’t spend her time with him, constantly getting mad at her. And she has her friends who don’t understand at all.
Kimberly: Buffy? What’s your sitch? You’re acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It’s too weird.
Buffy: Listen, a lot’s been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-…
Kimberly: Oh my god, you’re having an affair?
Nicole: Cool!
Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?
Buffy: It’s not about that. He’s, like, old. He’s fifty.
Kimberly, Nicole, Jennifer: Ewwwww!
Jennifer: Gross!
Buffy: Haven’t you guys noticed what’s been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
Nicole: What are you talking about?
Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?
Buffy: Pike.
Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you’re having an affair with him?
Jennifer: He doesn’t look fifty.
Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.
Yep, the pressure is mounting and to combat it, she goes Shawn Spencer on Merrick, quipping right and left.
Buffy: Does the word “duh” mean anything to you?
I love how sassy she is.
To make everything worse, it looks like Buffy’s period has come.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
but it turns out that it is just her Slayer sense.
Man that would suck.
Merrick: And you’re going to be able to use that to track them.
Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That’s just terrific. Thanks for telling me.
Merrick: It’s not a weapon. It’s an alert system.
Buffy: Well, aren’t we kung fu? I don’t see you out there killing any vampires.
Merrick: I play my part.
Buffy: You can play with your part all you want, but it’s my neck on the block.
That night Pike is wandering around inebriated. And let me tell you I am totally not digging Luke Perry. He’s cute but that’s not enough. All we’ve seen so far is him getting high, drunk, and be nasty.
Now this is where the TV did a better job. Every person had a backstory. I mean when they brought Angel on to the show, they started him mysterious and cool, and then revealed his tragic backstory. We need MORE! We NEED a backstory! We NEED development!
One night Pike is drunk, AGAIN, and gets attacked by vampires. Luckily Merrick and Buffy are there. They save his life, AGAIN. As you have probably figured out, with Buffy being the totally awesome Slayer, Pike is her damsel in distress. I mean it’s not like he doesn’t do anything, he helps Buffy fight, becoming her partner, but still gets into trouble a lot. He’s the Sam Winchester to her Dean.
After the help him, they defeat Lothos’ right hand man Amilyn, by pulling a Star Wars and cutting off his arm. Amilyn returns to the vampire lair, with the knowledge of Buffy being the Slayer.
Meanwhile, Buffy takes Pike to her home. Pike is homeless (hence the fact that he was working as a mechanic for a home). The thing that really bothers me is that we never find out why. Were his parents horrible and he emancipated himself? Did they die? Is he an orphan? WHAT IS HIS BACKSTORY!!!!!!!!
Sorry about that. Back to the film.
So at Buffy’s home, Pike starts going on how awesome she is, but Buffy is having a hard time keeping it together. She breaks down on and lets out all her feelings.
And while we haven’t had too much development other than he’s from “the wrong side of town” and a drunk, he just listens to everything she has to say. He doesn’t try to take advantage of her, put the moves on her-nope. All he does is listen.
How sweet.
Instantly redeemed.
So the next day, Buffy is back to doing what she normally does. She is trying to hang out with her friends but the spawn of Satan, Kimberly (I’m telling you, don’t name your children that.)
Has turned them agaist her. Her boyfriend is also mad and avoiding her.
And some football player grabs her for fun.
But Buffy is not having any of that. She totally takes him down, making him learn his lesson.
Don’t mess with me!
Not kidding, after doing that this is what he says with a straight face: “I see the errors of my ways.” Hilarious & awesome!!!!
So something you might have noticed, is that there a quite a few people who have been turned into vampires. It is mostly those on the low side of the totem pole, you know the unpopulars. But there are a few popular kids too. I just wonder how no one has noticed. Well…I guess they do look pretty normal most of the time.
Hmmm….
So Buffy is going back to her regular schedule as there is a basketball game.
They do the cheer “how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose”. Now years back when I was in middle school and only a select few had cellphones that could not get on the internet, and you couldn’t get on the school computers unless for schoolwork, people came to me with their movie questions. Now I know what you’re thinking:
But it wasn’t like that. Although how AWESOME would that be?????!!!! SUPER AWESOME!!!!!
Anyways you all know how much I love film,
Well everyone at school did too. So one of the girls was a cheerleader and they were bringing back the “how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose” cheer. She knew it was a famous cheer and came to to find out which film it was from. I couldn’t remember the film it was first in, and when I saw this film years later i was like “of course, duh.” Oh well.
oh well
Anyways, back to the game. So Buffy is cheerleading when she notices something weird. One of the players looks completely different. It turns out that one of the guys has been turned, and as the adreneline starts pumping he starts vamping out.
And as he does so, he also starts becoming an awesome basketball player. I guess like in Teen Wolf, becoming something not human increases basketball skills?
Buffy is the only one to realize that he’s a vampire and ends up chasing him down. She finds herself in some weird place which is Lothos hideout. This is the worse place for a lair. I’m not kidding. Like there is a giant horse plant structure, and the whole place is just too obvious to be a secret hideout. Then again this is the most flamboyant Vampire I have ever seen, and he doesn’t care what others think of him.
Buffy meets Lothos and begins fighting with him, when he puts her in a trance and is about to kill her.
Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
Merrick can’t stand that and interferes. A big watcher NO-NO. Watchers are supposed to train and then watch, no interfering.
And Lothos can’t have that. So he kills him.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????!!!!!!!!! THEY JUST KILLED THE WATCHER!!!!! CAN THEY DO THAT???
He’s not really dead is he? Is he? He is! He is DEAD???!!! WHAT??!!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED???!!!
Lothos and his horde leave, while Buffy hears Merrick’s dying words. He tells her she’s special and to d things HER way.
Buffy is shocked at the death and completely heartbroken.
She sufferes from shock of everything and wants to be done slaying. It scares her and hurts her and she just wants out.
She tries to hang out with her friends, but just finds them shallow and vapid. They are also selfish as they don’t want to invite every senior to the dance. Just the cool ones. She yells at them and takes off.
Her boyfriend is still ignoring her as well. She decides she is just going to be a “normal” girl and goes shopping for a dress. While she is searching for the perfect gown, she runs into Pike. The two have a huge fight as Pike can’t believe she is backing out and letting the world down.
Pike: Buffy, you’re the guy. You are the chosen guy.
Buffy: Right. I’m the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.
Buffy just wants to be in denial as she is too scared. If she fights she will get hypnotized and die, maybe causing the death of others. If she doesn’t fight then Lothos and his group might kill a ton of people. What’s a girl to do.
After the two storm off, we discover that Benny has been hiding in the phone booth. He overheard everything and returns to the master to tell him all about it. When the master hears, he is estatic about the party and chooses it to be the best final moment of Buffy’s life.
So while Buffy is getting ready for the dance, Pike has decided to step up to the plate. He returns to his home above the mechanic shop, and grabs every bit of wood he can find, turning them into stakes.
Get ready for this!
So while I have complained about his lack of background (and it still bothers me) every scene after the one when he listened to Buffy he has risen up and up in my esteem.
How romantic
So Buffy goes to the dance and I absolutely love her outfit. She has her hair back in a no-nonsense bun, a beautiful puffy white dress, and boots. Yes boots.
It’s as if she subconsciously wanted to be ready in case something should happen. Her boots are actually white boxing boots
I can look pretty and feminine and kick butt.
It’s awesome how hardcore she is.
Take note Hollywood
So she goes over to her boyfriend, to ask why he didn’t pick her up for the dance. And it turns out that since she wasn’t around to give him what he wanted, he broke up with her on her machine and started dating her friend.
Buffy: You left me a message?
Jeffrey: You weren’t home! Like always.
Buffy: You broke up with my machine?
What a loser.
Come on, really? That’s so wrong. He’s a loser to the max. And how could her friend date him? That’s breaking the code!
The two leave to have sex in the parking lot and Buffy is left all alone. But not for long as Pike comes to the dance, dressed up in a button up shirt, slacks, and his leather jacket.
He brings Buffy flowers and asks her to dance with him.
How romantic
Okay, just gained 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 points! That was so sweet of him coming to the dance, especially since he’s not into that sort of thing but did it because he knew it would make her happy!
The Vampires come to the dance. Pike gives Buffy all his stakes and his jacket, while she rips her dress so it is shorter and doesn’t constrict movement. She runs to warn everyone to close the doors, as if we don’t invite them in they are unable to come. One problem, she forgot about an earlier conversation.
Buffy: Don’t worry. They can’t come in unless they’re invited.
Kimberly: I already invited ’em. [Buffy looks at her] They’re seniors!
Yes, Buffy was being a good person telling her friends to invite all seniors, and unknowingly just caused one huge problem.
Now when the Vampires come in we really reach a horror/comedy pinnacle. A Com-Ror as I like to say. It’s cheesy, but fun.
Except for the Vampire DJ, that was dumb.
So the fight begins. Some parts are silly, others creepy. I still haven’t gotten over seeing Pee-Wee Herman as a vicious vampire. It’s just does not compute that this is the same guy.
Benny tries to convince Pike to turn vampire, and in a bizarre way, channels Christian Slater’s character J.D from Heathers. Talking about people being sheep and this chaos is better, etc. That makes Pike his Winona/Veronica. The only problem is that Benny is nowhere near as hot.
So they kids inside are following Pike and Buffy’s lead trying to take down the vampires, while Buffy heads out to do a throwdown with Lothos.
She takes down Pee-Wee, his right hand man (horrible death scene) and heads down to Lothos. The two fight, with Buffy surprising him with a flame torch made out of hairspray and a cross.
AWESOME!!!
She then stakes him! BUFFY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She and Pike ride off on his motorcycle, as the dumb principal hands out detention slips to the dead vampires:
Gary: [Throwing detention slips on the dead vampires] Detention [Walks to another body]… detention [Walks to another body]… detention. [Throws 2 more slips on the same body. Says quickly]Detention, detention.
And the rest of the group is interviewed about what happened.
So How Does It Hold Up?
Some parts of it seem a bit underdeveloped, mainly backstories of the characters. And at times it can be cheesy or silly, but on a whole I loved it.
Yes, I LOVED IT!!!!! The series on a whole is better, as it has more time to devote to the characters, but this movie was awesome. Buffy is incredible.
It’s a great film if you are looking for something funny and silly, but with a horror twist.
![Count Dracula: Van Helsing. [Van Helsing turns to face Count Dracula] Count Dracula: Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to your own country. Van Helsing: I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy. Count Dracula: You are too late. My blood now flows through her veins. She will live through the centuries to come, as I have lived. Van Helsing: Should you escape us, Dracula. We know how to save Miss Mina's soul if not her life. Count Dracula: If she dies by day. But I shall see that she dies by night. Van Helsing: And I will have Carfax Abbey torn down, stone by stone, excavated a mile around. I will find your earth-box and drive that stake through your heart. Count Dracula: Come here. [Dracula raises his hand to hypnotise Van Helsing] Count Dracula: Come here...Your will is strong, Van Helsing. [Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him] Count Dracula: More wolfbane? Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count. Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]](https://janeaustenrunsmylife.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/images21.jpeg)
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