You’re Mother is a Shadowhunter…Like You: The Mortal Instruments, City of Bones (2013)

I don’t understand what any of this has to do with my mom.

Your mother was a shadowhunter, like him; like you.

So about a year ago, I read the book City of Bones (Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments #1) by Cassandra Clare. I decided to read it as it is SUPER popular at the library. The book is returned and gets checked out as soon as it is shelved.

After I finished it…I was not pleased at all and I could not get the appeal.

It kind of felt like a mashup between Supernatural and Harry Potter. And it MOST definitely was not better than The Hunger Games. 

Seriously, they thought that?!

It was an okay story, but it went overload on the cultural references. Like these kids are into fantasy and Scifi, I get it-but when you just reference or quote things constantly to fill in your story instead of developing the characters-that’s where I have issues.

Not for me.

Plus I found the character Simon, Clary’s best friend, to be super annoying, and I wanted her to end up with Jace the shadowhunter she meets-as the author is constantly putting them together, but it turns out that they are brother and sister?

I mean why would you construct a story that way to want two characters to get together and then be all, psych they are brother and sister.

Why, why would you do that. Ugh, it made me feel disgusting after reading it.

Or are they? Could Valentine be lying?

Hmm…is it her?

Yeah, not interested in reading more…

So I was scrolling through my streaming sites, and the film popped up and I thought, why not? There was nothing else on. Let’s see how they did the film.

Hmm…

So Clary Fray (Lily Collins) is a normal 16-year old. She lives with her mother as her father passed away years ago. Her family is rounded out by her best friend Simon, who has a huge crush on her that she can’t see, and her mother’s best friend Luke Garroway (Aiden Turner).

Wait, what?

AIDEN TURNER is in this?

For those of you who don’t know-Aiden Turner is an Irish actor who is immensely talented and has the best looking curly hair I have ever seen. I became a fan of him and his hair after watching Poldark, so I was excited. As I said, it’s been over a year since I read the book, but I do remember Luke playing a crucial role in the end of the book and I couldn’t wait to see Aiden Turner.

Clary and Simon go out to a coffee poetry night. Clary sees this “hot” blonde guy and decides to be spontaneous and go to the club he is going to. To be fair it wasn’t just because of the guy-her mother has sheltered her, her whole life and tht coupled with her mom calling her again about when she will be home and her turning 16-she decides to have fun. The hot gut was the final push.

At the club she sees him with a girl and a guy and watches the group as they approach a man and kill it.

What!

She hurries away but its too late. Life has changed forever.

She has realized the “reality” of her world and its not going away. Clary gets in a fight with her mom, and later Jocelyn Fray (Lena Headey) calls Clary and warns her not to come back. Jocelyn is kidnapped and the apartment torn apart. Clary returns home, but is attacked by some wolflike creature. Jace, the boy from the club, comes and saves her.

Where is everyone?

He saves Clary and tells her the creature was a demon, as was the man the night before. Jace is a shadowhunter, shadowhunters are a race of mortals who have angelic blood. They reside in the shadow world but cross over to the mortal realm to hunt demons, vampires, werewolves, etc. Shadowhunters can only be created by being born of a shadowhunter or turned into one by The Mortal Cup.

As you have guessed it, Jocelyn is a shadowhunter, meaning that Clary is too. That is why she could see Jace and his friends and no else could. They question the neighbor, a witch, and discover that people are after the mortal cup and believe she has it.

That’s not good.

They need a ride and Simon drives her and Jace over to Luke’s to get more information. Simon is less annoying in this, but is still annoying. And surprise, surprise he hates Jace as Jace is clearly into Clary.

The actors weren’t bad but Lily Collins and the guy who plays Jace have like zero chemistry. In the book they actually connected better.

They reach the antique shop to look for Luke, and find him being beat up. He tells the two guys (the ones who kidnapped Jocelyn) that he cares nothing for the Frays and only wants the cup too. If they let him go he will be able to find it.

The crew leave him-RUDE, like geez Clary this guy was a surrogate dad and you watched him get beat up and did nothing.

So Jace knows they won’t be safe in the city and takes them to the Shadowhunter Institute. On the outside the muggles mundanes see a dilapidated broken down church, but on the inside it is a beautiful building with weapons.

There she meets Alex (Kevin Zeggers) and Isabella Lightwood, and Hodge who runs the institute. The three of the Shadowhunters are on earth because of what their parent’s did. Years ago, Valentine Morgensten’s father was killed by a werewolf and that set him on dark path. He wanted to destroy all downworlders (demons, werewolves, vampires, etc) even ones that were not breaking the law or the Accords. He was aided by the Lightwoods and intended on starting the killing when the next Accord signing was set up. They were stopped and punishment ended up with them being sent from Idris, their home in the Shaddoworld to New York City. Later Jace was sent to live with them. Hodge on the other hand is banished to never be able to return to Idris.

Valentine was experimenting with The Mortal Cup to become more powerful, but he was believed to be dead. With them searching for the cup and coming after Jocelyn, he must have returned.

That’s not good.

Hodge tells Jace to take Clary to the Silent Brothers so they can reveal her memories. When she gets there she discovers that there is a lock on her memories only one person could do that-Magnus Bane.

Magnus Bane is the high Warlock in the area and is just happening to be throwing a killer party. Of course poor Clary knows nothing about fashion and wears boring clothes so we have a makeover by Isabella.

After the makeover all the boys are upset- Jace has been struck by cupid, Simon is mad that Jace is into Clary, and Alec has a thing for Jace and doesn’t like that he is into Clary.

They head to the party and Clary goes off with Magnus. Magnus tells her that her mother wanted to keep her safe and used to take her to appointments regularly. It was getting harder for the block to stay as she growing older and they missed the latest appointment which was to be on her birthday. Magnus tells her he can’t do anything but that without the last session in time everything and all her powers will develop.

Well, thanks for that I guess.

Well that was a useless detour-except Simon gets kidnapped as he is turned into mouse and stolen by vampires. The gang has to go after him and fight, only surviving when they are saved by werwolves.

So about here I was checked out of the film. I like that they had pared down the pop culture references but to be honest this movie is really boring. It was just too much like things you’d seen before you know. I wouldn’t be able to give specifics but it was like a large order of deja vu.

Back at the institute Simon recuperates while Jace and Clary grow closer. Clary is a prolific artists and it turns out that her Shadowhunter powers are very interesting. She can draw something and pull it off the page, or put an ordinary object on into paper. That gets her thinking…

Hmmm…

Jace, Clary, and Simon all have a spat as they are in a triangle-Simon likes Clary, and Clary likes the attention but she likes Jace who likes Clary, but Jace doesn’t like how close Clary and Simon are, etc.

Blah, blah

Clary thinks about her abilities inherited from her mom and realizes she has seen a painting by her mom of The Mortal Cup. It was on set of tarot cards her mom made or their neighbor, the witch.

Jace, Alec, Isabella, and Clary head to her neighbors to get the cup-but she is possessed by a demon. They fight and get the cup, but Alec is wounded. At the institute Isabella blames Clary as Alec is wounded badly, so badly they have to call Magnus as he is the only one who could do anything.

That’s not good.

Clary gives the cup to Hodge, who betrays them by bringing Valentine into their word-he’s been biding his time working for him, the Death Eaters, as long believed dead leader is back.

Oh, wow…

Valentine is back and played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers, oh I had a huge crush on him in the ’90s.

From Bend It Like Beckham

So Valentine reveals that he is Clary’s father. Clary has special abilities she isn’t aware of as he experimented on her when she was a fetus with angel blood and his son (her brother) with demon blood. I am really disappointed that he isn’t in the film that long and second his character is top comical. He’s chewing the scenery in every shot-and he’s not usually like this, so I blame the director.

So Clary is asked by her father to join the dark side him but she refuses, She puts the cup back in the card and travels through a portal to Luke’s. Meanwhile, Valentine bring Jocelyn to the institute and tries to figure out how to turn his daughter. Hodge comes up with the plan to lie to Jocelyn and Clary that Jace is the dead son Jonathan. I’m glad they made it clear in this that the incest is a lie-although it is still a weird plot.

Apparently, in a later book it is revealed that Valentine faked his and his older son Jonathan’s death and took the identify of Michael Wayland becoming a recluse. Michael and his wife had died, Valentine has been experimenting on Jace’s mother without her knowledge and when she died he saved the child and raised it. Jonathan had extra demon blood and Jace extra angel blood.

Hmm…

So they get to Luke’s shop and he reveals that he is a werewolf (Valentine was trying to get rid of him and took him on a hunt to get him turned into one and killed). Luke has always loved her mother and traveled with her to this world to protect her. He reveals information about Valentine and tells her that he lied to the the men torturing him to protect them. After he escaped he fought with another werewolf and gained a pack, them being the ones that saved them with the vampires.

The werewolves and few shadowhunters team up to take Valentine down.

Back at the institute, Valentine has brought demons in to help him and the Shadowhunters and werewolves do their best to fight him off. Simon discovers Jocelyn in a comalike state in the crypt of the church and tries to revive her. Valentine and Jace fight, but Jace stops when he is told that Valentine is his father.

He stops fighting, as that’s his “dad”, but Clary defeats Valentine and tricks him by giving him a fake cup ands him through the portal. Later Jace goes to see Clary and invites her back in to the Shadowhunter world-telling her he doesn’t think they are really siblings.

That doesn’t change it, still…

This wasn’t that good of a story. I think it was better in some ways than the book, but it was boring. It felt like a Star Wars, Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer smoothie-and not in a good way. I liked Aiden Turner-although I wish he was in it more. Otherwise, meh.

For more demons, go to Suspense & Sensibility (Or First Impressions Revisited)

For more on angels, go to Book Club Picks: This Present Darkness

For more Teen Horror films, go to Just Because I’m a Vampire Doesn’t Mean I’m Bloodthirsty: Cirque du Freak, The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

For more on Lena Headey, go to The Story, We’re Living it. It’s Alive: The Brothers Grimm (2005)

For more on Jonathan Rhys Meyers, go to Lookin’ Over a Four-Leaf Clover: 17 More Irish Heroes

Time for You to Awaken, Master. Time for You to Go Out: The Return of the Vampire (1943)

“Time for you to awaken, Master. Time for you to go out.”

So last year I was lamenting that I couldn’t think of any films I wanted to open Horrofest with from the 1950s as that was the year I was going to start with. I mentioned some films I really wanted to do, but both came out in the 1940s.

So as this year it is time to start off with a 1940s film, I was like why not do one of the ones I mentioned in last year’s post? I already reviewed Rebecca last year, so I chose The Return of the Vampire. 

I loooove this movie!

I saw it year ago on TCM and it has stayed with me my whole life. You know a movie is good when it hooks you years ago and you stay hooked.

The film was just so engaging and has beautiful cinematography. Plus it also has Bela Lugosi! You cannot go wrong with him in anything, let alone in a Vampire flick. I just love him.

So this film was actually supposed to be a Dracula sequel, but Universal threatened to sue Columbia Studios so they changed it to The Return of the Vampire and instead of Count Dracula, we have Armand Tesla.

We start this film during WWI with a vampire Armand Tesla (Bela Lugosi) stalking the streets of London and using the war as a cover-who cares about people suffering from anemia and a few deaths when there is a war on?!

But someone does, Lady Jane Ainsley (Frieda Inescort) and her colleague Professor Walter Saunders (Gilbert Emery) run a clinic and are baffled by the anemia.

Hmm…

Tesla is furious and uses his slave, a werewolf formally known as Andreas Obry, and the two break into the clinic. When he can’t finish his off his former victim he decides to make Saunders pay and goes after his granddaughter.

Professor Saunders, meanwhile, has concluded that the victim was attacked by a vampire. The victim dies and when Saunders goes home he sees a man feasting on his granddaughter. The vampire flees and Saunders saves his granddaughter Nikki (Nina Foch) by giving her a blood transfusion. While her life is saved for now, she will always be in danger. The vampire will continue to search for her to finish the job, and he will also be able to control her.

Professor Saunders and Lady Jane search for the Vampire in order to stake it and kill it.

They search out the local cemetery in order to search out the Vampire. They are both attacked by a werewolf who is being controlled by the Vampire-but once they stake the vampire the werewolf returns to his normal form of Andreas Obry.

Wow!

Professor Saunders and Lady Jane know that the only way to keep a vampire dead is make sure the stake isn’t removed from the heart-remove the stake revive the vampire. They bury the coffin and make sure it is well hidden.

Time moves forward and the year is now 1942. Nikki has fully recovered from her experience, having no knowledge of the attack and is engaged to Lady Jane’s son John (Roland Varno). Andreas Obry has recovered from his experience and has become an assistant to Lady Jane.

You know thinking about this movie in 2020 it is really cool that the Vampire hunter/Doctor is a woman. I mean you wouldn’t expect it in the 1940s, and you certainly don’t see it in modern vampire stories (except Buffy the Vampire Slayer), but she basically is Van Helsing. Not the Hugh Jackman version, but the original one from the 1930s.

Of course what comes to mind is Jane the Vampire Hunter:

So Professor Saunders has passed way and Lady Jane decides to share about the vampire with Scotland Yard detective Sir Fredrick Fleet (Miles Mander) . He doesn’t take her seriously, but he does take the murder of a man seriously. He wanted to arrest Lady Jane, but she convinces him to check the body. If it is a regular man, he will be decomposed. If a vampire-his body will not have aged a day.

Stay the same age forever…

Lady Jane is going to show Sir Fleet but then a bombing raid occurs. One of the bombs hits the cemetery and a lot of bodies are dug up and two gravediggers are set to put all to right. When they come across Tesla’s body they find the stake in the heart and feel bad for the man. They pull it out and the Vampire returns!

The first thing Tesla does is contact his slave telepathically as he will need his help in moving the coffin and such. He calls to his former slave and werewolf Andreas.

Armand Tesla: [Offscreen, as Andreas walks in the woods] Andreas! [Andreas can’t locate the sourceAndreas!

Andreas Obry: [Suddenly seeing Tesla] You! You have no power over me! That was ended many years ago! I’m no longer your slave! Dr. Ainsley has cleansed me of all the evil you forced upon me! You can’t bring it back! You can’t! I won’t let you! I won’t!

Armand Tesla: You’re a fool, Andreas! A complete, utter fool! Your fate is to be what you are – as mine is to be what I am… your Master! [In a commanding toneCome here!

Andreas Obry: I won’t! [He moans]

Armand Tesla: [Commandingly] Look at me, Andreas! [There is a closeup of Tesla’s eyesLook at me!

Andreas Obry: [after Andreas undergoes a metamorphosis into a werewolf] Andreas, come here! [Subserviently] Master, you have returned.

This is a fantastic scene, as you see Andreas really trying! He really, really wants to believe it is true that has overcome this. Looking at this as an adult it resonates so well as you have met people trying to overcome things, thinking they have, but then something happens and they are right back at the bottom again-addiction, toxic relationships, etc. It is extremely well done and poor, poor Andreas.

Now that Andreas is controlled by Tesla he sets him out for his first mission protect the coffin and find him a new identity. Andreas comes across a scientist recently escaped from a concentration camp, Hugo Bruckner. Dr. Hugo Bruckner was freed by help of the Resistance, something Lady Jane is a part of, and will be working with her. Man this vampire is extremely evil to murder a concentration camp survivor.

Tesla takes on the identity and slips into the Ainsleys’ and Nikki’s life. Some of you might wonder why Lady Jane doesn’t recognize him, but she only fought him that one time over twenty years ago, and at night in a foggy cemetery.

Lady Jane is throwing Nikki and her son an engagement party. Sir Fleet shows up and Lady Jane takes the Professor Saunder’s manuscript and locks it up, not wanting Nikki to ever find out about what happened. Tesla/Bruckner shows up, is introduced, and given free reign of Lady Jane’s office and laboratory. He uses this time to steal Saunders’ manuscript, the one Sir Fleet read. All are charmed by him except Sir Fleet, as he feels something is not quite right.

The next night the manuscript is somehow left in Nikki’s room and she reads it and finds out the truth. The Tesla calls to her…and the next day she has been drained of blood! Oh no!

Then they… then my mom made me stop watching it.

I know I was soooooo invested. What happens next? Will Nikki be alright? How will they defeat Tesla? I don’t recall exactly how old I was but this was well before google and we didn’t have TiVo or any blank tapes I could use to record, although my mother wouldn’t have let me as we were leaving the house and they weren’t going to leave the TV on with no one home. So I had to scan the newspaper and TV guide until it was on TV again.

So after she was drained of blood they transfused her. She survives but as we saw in The Horror of Dracula last year, that can only last so long. They need to find this vampire and kill it!

Stake through the heart.

Lady Jane starts to investigate and questions the grave robbers when the body cannot be found. She and Fleet also search Bruckner’s room and discovers the mirrors are all set down and a ring that she recalls from Tesla.

Fleet had had Andreas followed ad he was seen trying to change into a werewolf and found with Bruckner’s effects, his real effects.

Meanwhile, Nikki and John are attacked and Nikki starts to believe she has been transformed into a vampire. She pleads with John to stay away as she doesn’t want to hurt him. But you know these men in this old classic horror films-it doesn’t matter they are staying in this relationship and with the girl. How guys aren’t like that now? Most guys I know would be out in no time at all.

In reality, Tesla has been feeding. Tesla attacks Lady Jane, but she carries a cross and uses it to deflect him.

Wow!

So there are two amazing things I noticed about this scene. First can we just stop and appreciate that Lady Jane has a giant organ. Man, you are a girl after my own heart. I can’t play the organ but if I had money I would want a giant one and learn how to play it. Then I could be my own version of The Phantom of the Opera. 

Second-I love how in this scene she seems so meek and mild-and then bam-she’s got the cross and she flings it out at him. Lady Jane is awesome!

That’s awesome

Later that night Tesla calls Nikki to him again and she and Andreas answer the call. Meanwhile, Lady Jane ad Sir Fleet have decided to follow them. They come upon them in the cemetery but a raid interrupts their pursuit, although Fleet shoots Andreas, mortally wounding him. Andreas begs his master to save him, but Tesla coldly refuses.

Andreas Obry: Heal me, Master. I am hurt!

Armand Tesla: What is that to me?

This was so exciting when I watched it. First of all I really wanted to know what happened after waiting so long. Secondly this scene has the vampire, the damsel, bombs, a gun-you just didn’t know what would happen next!

Tesla leaving Andreas to die is the wake to reality he needs. He grabs a nearby cross and thrusts it at Tesla, coming between him and his victim-Nikki. A bomb hits and the sun comes up, melting Tesla to nothing.

Wow!

This is one of the first films to show a vampire disintegrating like this. It was actually censored in England for being too graphic. Oh, 1940s-if you saw the stuff we have today, although I have to say it was pretty yuck.

Of course Nikki and John get their happy ending, and Lady Jane stays awesome.

It was fantastic! I just loved it and you know who else would have if she existed-Catherine Morland.

You know it.

Please note that this is being said sarcastically.

So that’s our start with Horrorfest IX what else will it bring? Who knows! I start every year off with a plan but you know how that goes-anything can happen! Stay Spooky people!

For more Vampire films, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more Bela Lugosi, go to We’ve Seen Dracula, the Wolf Man, and Frankenstein’s Monster: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

For more WWII, go to Catherine Morland’s Reading List: The Distant Hours

Horrorfest IX: The Spookiest Time of the Year

It’s that time of the year again! Time for another Horrorfest, 31 days of horror, mystery, monsters, etc.

So I started Horrorfest back when I first began blogging. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with it, the direction I wanted to go in. Since I like to watch scary movies every day in October, I decided to review them, and I had so much I fun I continued every year.

I know some people aren’t interested in it or would think it has nothing to do with my blog’s title, but you know who would love it and be so into horror films?

When I started this, I used a lot of stills from the movies I was reviewing and ended up with a a bunch of photos I couldn’t reuse for future posts. Since then I try to add less, unless I think I can use it for future posts or that it is crucial to the story. Instead I reuse old photos and I try to caption each photo with what film it came from, but at times I forget.

Over the years I have established a set of rules and annual films categories. Every year I have enjoyed doing it although sometimes I have fallen behind because of life getting in the way. Usually I have the posts written, and it is just the editing that slows me down. If you have someone willing to edit your work-give them a lot of love, because it takes SO much time to do.

Rules are there must be at list one film or TV show episode:

  • From every decade (1930s-2020)
  • by Alfred Hitchcock‘s
  • that is animated 
  • made by Disney
  • by Stephen King
  • by Tim Burton
  • starring Vincent Price
  • that is something Jane Austen related

The Jane Austen one is the hardest to do, although last year I had several. We had Non-Austen Films for Austen Fans with Alta Mar AKA High Seas,Death By Persuasion” from Midsomer Murders, Rebecca, and Strong Woman Bong Soonalong with the film that led to Sense and Sensibility (1995) being made-Dead Again

Another tradition I added is dressing Jane up in costume every year. Last year I did the Dia de Los Muertos calaveras mask. This year I had a harder time deciding, and finally settled on, Jane the Vampire Slayer-because of the film I will be reviewing tomorrow:

Well, I hope you enjoy this year’s picks-so far we have vampires, ghosts, spooky old houses, buried treasure, aliens, and more!

For the original Horrorfest, go to I Don’t Belong in the World: Carnival of Souls (1962)

For Horrorfest II, go to There Are Many Strange Legends in the Amazon: The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

For Horrorfest III, go to Even a Man Pure of Heart: The Wolf Man (1941)

For Horrorfest IV, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

For Horrorfest V, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For Horrorfest VI, go to One of Our Guests is a Werewolf, I Know It.: The Beast Must Die (1974)

For Horrorfest VII, go to It’s the End of the World: The Birds (1963)

For Horrorfest VIII, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

 

 

I Will Get You What You Need: I’m With Lucy (2002)

Most Romantic Moment #7

I’m With Lucy (2002)

I saw this movie at the library and had to check it out as it has David Boreanaz, you know Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and FBI Agent Booth from Bones.

So the movie starts off with Lucy picking up her friend-who has just been horribly dumped and hates all men-to take her somewhere. Lucy knows what that is like as that was her a year ago-but today she is getting married.

Huhhhhhhh

Yes, this is one of the weirdest openings. How come she didn’t tell her friend before? Anyways, Lucy felt the same but then she was set up on five dates:

  1. Date #1: Doug the Entomologist (John Hannah) who Lucy sees right after she is dumped and she is horribly drunk on the date, but they do have some meaningful conversations throughout.
  2. Date #2: Gabriel (Gael García Bernal) is Spanish and a passionate playwright, who Lucy sleeps with right away.
  3. Date #3: Bobby (Anthony LaPaglia) a former baseball player who is incredibly narcissistic, but after they spend time together she realizes there is more to him.
  4. Date #4: Barry (Henry Thomas) a computer salesman who’s date occurs right after Lucy has had a horrible time getting her fridge delivered, is in the middle of an awful allergy attack and can’t find her medicine in any pharmacy-and to make it worse the date gets hijacked by her parents as they convince the two to join them for dinner.
  5. Date #5: Luke (David Boreanaz) is a doctor, who is extremely hot-but their date gets shanghaied  when a colleague of Luke’s invites them to join them and his daughter goes after Luke.

Lucy goes on all these dates and eventually narrows it down to two men. But which one will win her heart?

Most Romantic Moment: I Will Get You What You Need

So I know you’ve probably been on bad dates-and have seen a lot in comedy films and TV shows, but I think this movie takes the cake. This date starts off incredibly bad with Lucy angry about the fridge not being delivered and starts yelling at Barry-who yells back when she gets really rude.

Then they go to multiple stores as Lucy needs a certain allergy medication, but can’t find it. Whenever Barry suggests another medication, she turns it down as it isn’t the right one. Both are extremely angry and annoyed. After the two have a bit of a blowout, they decide to start over as this date is going nowhere near like how either thought.

Barry: Okay. Let’s start this thing over.

Lucy: Fine. Hi Barry, its nice to meet you. I don’t have a refrigerator.

Then they run into Lucy’s parents who guilt them into coming with them-in which they serve them good food for dinner but they completely embarrass Lucy.

So embarrassed

But the two have a lot of fun. And Barry comes to see Lucy the next day with the allergy medication she needed. He went to 10 different pharmacies, 10 different ones to find it for her.

How romantic!

I don’t know about you all but I know very few people who would do that-that’s true love there.

For more with David Boreanaz, go to I’d Risk My Life to Save Yours: Earshot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

Drive Me Crazy: Austentatious (2015)

OH NO!

It’s Back!!!

The dreaded TV show I can’t stand:

Ugh-Austentatious (2015)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Yes, I really, really do not like this show or how they portray the characters. But I started it, so I’ve got to finish it.

So Austentatious is the story of Elinor, Marianne, Emma, Elizabeth, and Mr. Knightley being friends in modern times. In the last episode Marianne was trying to find a job, but kind of sucked, although she did manage to be a smoothie barista.

Elizabeth went on a date with a guy and was crazily obsessing over it:

Going mad!

And they held a Girl’s Night/Mouse Killing Night:

I know…I have no clue what the writer’s were thinking.

I just…This is dumb! This is a dumb show!! Who wrote this? Who??? What were they thinking???!! Argh! Why did I ever watch this??!! NOw I have to finish!!!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!

This episode is called Drive Me Crazy and Amazon says the air date is DECEMBER 30TH 1899. 1899? Did we just time travel?

Time to go back…

This show does drive me crazy, like Norman Bates crazy.

We all go a little mad sometimes.

Is that too mean? I’m not trying to be a jerk but I hate this show. I can’t believe the episodes are only 22 mins, they feel so much longer. It feels like hours of my life is being sucked away in watching this.

Ugh! Really!

Anyways here we go-ready or not.

Pass on it!

We start off with a tired Marianne making a mess in the kitchen-food is everywhere but Elinor doesn’t care.

Crazy control freak Monk level of obsession Elinor does’t care about the messy hours-OMG she’s been abducted by aliens, joined a cult, is a zombie!!!! It has to be one of those things…or love. She could be in love as that is the extremely cliche way most TV will depict “love”.

Thats not right!

Yep, Edward is meeting with her-her dream man.

With her books

Collin approaches Elinor trying to reach Lizzie as he wants to date her. Elinor tries to dissuade him, but no dice. He’s after his prey.

In the lobby of their apartment I can’t help but see a GIANT sign that says no lifeguard on duty. Like what? Even if the apartment has a pool there is no way they would have that posted in the foyer unless there is a pool in the foyer. Like that is one of the weirdest randomest things in this show.

What the heck?

Lizzie goes to see Emma and is trying to avoid Darcy as he keeps calling and texting and emailing her about houses. Darcy is a total jerk in this, telling her what to do. Ugh I hate him.

I know what I said=BELIEVE ME you would understand if you watched this show. They make him utterly terrible!!!! I hate this!!!!!!

Elinor and Edward are traveling to the country to visit with an old lady who hasn’t filed her taxes for the last few years. Like the background is weird as it ranges from lush green to dry desert. Where are they? Behind them is green, but the sides are all arid and dry. I kinda tuned out what Elinor and Edward were saying as I couldn’t stop looking at the background. I don’t know. Does it really matter?

Darcy stalks Elizabeth down the street and calls her name. He’s a jerk and buys her a hotdog when she tries to explain that she is in the middle of closing a house. UGH!!!!!

Elinor and Edward are driving for a long time and talking. Elinor tells Edward how she decided on accounting because it was a safe choice- but then they get a flat and have to pull over.

They are in lush fields and trees, where are they? What happened to the dry and arid area?

This is ELINOR!! Don’t tell me the way they have been building Elinor’s character yeah right-she’d have five spare tires!

Darcy stops being quite so jerky and admits that the house he’s looking for is a gift for a certain woman who plays piano-not mom or girlfriend. Obviously Georgiana.

Flashback to Elinor and Edward-they have to walk to the city they passed-so where were they and where were they going if they were passing through another city?

Hmmm…

Elinor goes on and on about how nice Edward is-He shares a little about his company and that his family has a company in telecommunications, interesting choice.

Hmm…

Darcy and Elizabeth make some headway but are interrupted by Collin who sits right between them on the bench to try and ask Lizzie out. How did he find her? She’s not at home? Or at work? She’s in a random park! Creepy!!

Colin creepily hits on her and tries to feel her up, but Darcy interjects and walks off with Elizabeth. It stops Collin…for now.

Flash to E& E walking and talking and being boring. Bleh-IRS, Accountant, IRS, accountant, IRS, accountant, statistics, bills, blah blah blah blah blah.

Blah, blah

I need to mop my floors. Like that is legit more interesting to me than this.

Elizabeth meets with Emma at the smoothie shop and tells her about what happened. Darcy gets a kick out of Collin asking her out and can’t stop teasing her. Darcy drops that the house is a birthday gift for a girl next month so the house needs to be picked like NOW!

Darcy offers to pay the commission earlier, but Elizabeth gets offended and angry. She becomes extremely upset and shares her feelings with Emma. I don’t think what Darcy did was that bad, I think she’s overreacting.

I’m done

What’s Marianne been up to-she’s been out of the game this whole episode except the cereal eating.

Hmmm

Elizabeth keeps talking about Darcy and how he’s being rude or is he being nice? Meh!

Marianne enters and goes on break with Elinor coming in to share what happened and how great it was with Edward although their conversations are super boring.

Elinor does offer to make him her homemade lasagna. She then shares part of her power bar that she keeps in her purse! She-Miss Always Prepared has a power bar in her bag-she’d have more stuff in her car to fix the tire.

Edward notices that she has a blister and puts a band-aid on her foot. Cute, but all I can think is her feet probably smell.

Someone is running in the park? Oh it is Darcy and Collin just happened to find him?! What? HOw? Weird.

Collin is super super creepy-like psychopath horror film creepy. Watch out Lizzie-“we are meant to be together”-he wants to be like creepy Ted in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and enslave you in his home or something.

Yay! That’s the end of the episode. Although that was a super creepy ending.

He’s watching her…

How many more will I have to watch until it is over???? Let me check…

Yay!!!! Only four more left!! Woohoo!!! I’ve been doing an episode a month but skipped September, October, and now we are in November-so if I catch up with those and the do one for December I should hopefully finish before the new year!!!

But then if I do that, what Austen TV show should I review every month? Hmm….? I guess I’ll have to think about it. All I an say is YAY!!!!! Almost done!!! Woohooo!!!

For more Austentatious, go to Call Me, Maybe: Austentatious (2015)

For more Jane Austen film retellings, go to Mrs. Darcy Wants to Know the Truth!: Death Comes to Pemberley, Episode Three (2013)

For more Sense & Sensibility, go to Rational Creatures: Elinor & Marianne Dashwood

For more Pride & Prejudice, go to Rational Creatures: Elizabeth Bennet & Charlotte Lucas

For more Emma, go to Rational Creatures: Emma Woodhouse, Miss Bates, & Harriet Smith

How Much Do You Really Know About Him?: The Stepfather (2009)

How Much Do You Really Know About Him?

In 2009, I was 17 years old. A senior applying to colleges, trying to figure out what to do next with my life-planning prom and other senior activities.

I remember when this film came out, it was a big deal at the time as Penn Badgley was super popular from Gossip Girl (it being in its third season) and this was to be his big film role (prior to this he was in John Tucker Must Die! as the little brother). I wasn’t super interested in it at the time- I was more angry about the Fame remake (which sucked as much as I had thought it would), that Where the Wild Things looked depressing instead of the fun book I remembered it being (it was both boring and depressing), and thought Dare, New Moon, and Avatar all sounded dumb. The only thing I was looking forward to was Robert Downey Jr. and Judd Law in Sherlock Holmes.

In fact I never probably would have even remembered anything about this movie, except my mom was so against it. But I was 17, I could watch whatever I wanted. I remember saying some smartmouth reply and getting in trouble for it.

I never did go see it in theaters as I didn’t really care about it.

Flashforward to the beginning of this year and I’m housesitting/catsitting for a friend who has cable-and not just cable, Lifetime!

I LOVE Lifetime and can’t help but watch the Lifetime movie channel. That day it was playing The Stepfather, so I decided what the hey? Why not check it out?

NO! NO! This was not good at all. I should have listened to my mom and passed this one by!

Yes, always listen to your mother!

So typically I do not review a movie without reviewing the original, but I didn’t get a chance to fit it in, so the review of the remake must go on.

So the film starts off with “the Stepfather” (Dylan Walsh) having killed his family and their dead bodies not even phasing him as he leaves and moves on to the next town to find his “new family”.

In the supermarket he meets Susan Harding (Sela Ward), with her two kids-Sean and Beth. He charms them quickly and he, now going by David Harris, and Susan begin a relationship.

If I’ve learned anything from movies and TV is the supermarket is nor the place for women to meet men. I mean the mom gets set up with a Vampire in Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire, Susan gets with a serial killer, and Fran with a liar-guy is a hot dog vendor pretending t be a stock broker in The Nanny. Just cross that place off the list.

Don’t go there to look for men!

So David and Susan become engaged-which is something that really bothers me. I mean it is called The Stepfather, but David is NOT the stepfather. He and Susan live together, but they don’t marry. So why call it that? Because it is better than The Man My Mom Lived With or My Mom’s Evil Fiance or My Mom’s Serial Killer Boyfriend or Don’t Let Mom Marry the Serial KillerActually that last one sounds pretty good. It could be super serious teen drama or ’90s kids comedy-someone write a script, make a ton of money and give me 10% for the title.

Finally! This is almost over!

So anyways, it is the summer and Michael Harding (Penn Badgley) has just returned from military school. He was acting up after his parents’ divorced and was sent away. Depending on his behavior he can stay or will be shipped back.

Choose wisely.

He meets David and feels weird about the whole thing-everything has seemed to move toooo fast and he’s worried his mom might end up with another bad relationship-another guy like his dad.

Now here is where the film first failed with me. This film could have been a lot better if they went in a different direction then what they chose. Now I have never seen the original film this is based on, but think how much more horrifying if David seemed so nice, developed a great relationship with the kids, maybe even Michael opening up and sharing what happened with his dad-what he saw between his parents that made him not be able to stand his father and react so destructively. Then to have him realize David is not who he seems-I think much more interesting.

But instead David tries to bond with him but it is all so fake and creepy-Michael doesn’t tust him, second guesses him, and the suspense/mystery/horror is missing. We know David is a psycho and Michael knows it too-there is no buildup.

I mean Buffy the Vampire Slayer did this much better on their Ted episode. Buffy wanted to like her mother’s boyfriend, she tried to like him-but then felt something off-and she felt bad about being so down on her mom-convincing herself it was her problem not anything wrong with Ted. But then Ted starts being extremely controlling, he threatens her. He continues to treat her cruelly but others nicely, causing no one to believe her or make her think she is imagining it. It is emotional and mental abuse-and makes you wonder what will happen next.

That would have been a better path to take, but they didn’t do that.

Ugh!

Michael isn’t the only one who is unsure about David as Susan’s sister, Jackie, points out that there is a ton about David she knows zero about, although Jackie’s wife/girlfriend (it doesn’t state their exact relationship) thinks Jackie is being overprotective-as David’s hot. So what if they don’t know his family, religion, history, friends where he grew up, etc, and he’s not working-David’s hot.

Yeah, Susan really? I mean you are a single mom, don’t you want someone more stable for your kids? Don’t you think you want someone with a real job?

And David’s plan doesn’t make sense! He creates fake identities but has nothing to back him up? I mean he just plans to move from town to town with no social security number or anything and expect to work and live there? I mean they could have had him buy dead people’s identities and then have Michael do some research and stumble on to it! And then he presents it to his mom and she’s like, “oh that, it’s a common name that’s not him.” And then David doing something creepy like almost kill him, kind of like Joseph Cotton in Shadow of a Doubt when he starts sabotaging things around his niece because she knows too much, and everyone thinks she is just imagining things.

Anyways, one day Sean isn’t listening to Susan, so David decides to “discipline” and chokes him. When Sean and Beth visit their dad, he tells him and when Jay returns the kids he gets in a fistfight with David. Now this is my other issue with the movie-Jay confronts David about choking Sean and is freaking out and DAVID ADMITS IT and what does the mom do? Get angry at her EX-HUSBAND THE MAN PROTECTING HIS CHILD AND NOT THE MAN WHO JUST ADMITTED TO CHOKING OUT HER BABY. And afterwards Sean is all it my fault, and everyone is mad at Jay for making a scene and overreacting, and Sean apologizes to David and everyone is its okay, we forgive you. And later when Sean is freaking out, Michael is all its okay Sean David won’t hurt you again.

Uh, no. NO, NO, NO, NO! Jay was totally in the right and I completely 100% agree with his decision to pummel the guy ABUSING HIS child. And Susan, really? What is wrong with you! This man admitted to abusing your child because “he forgot what it was like being a father and discipling and maybe went too far. But don’t worry, he’ll learn how to do better, Uh, no! Get out of my house and out of my life and I am calling the police on you.”

WHAT!!!??

But Susan loves him. After that I checked out-I just couldn’t get over that scene. Now if they had David not admit to it, and change it around so it sounds like Sean is lying as he is upset at the changes, or Jay made it up, or twisted it in any way-I’ll buy that. But he admits it, and Susan cannot see the warning signs? Now I’ve been in an abusive relationship I now how they can meld your mind and practically brainwash you with their emotional and mental abuse- but your kids Susan! Your kids!!!

So Michael investigates, David goes on an anti-climatic killing spree, Michael’s girlfriend walks around in tiny clothes and bikinis, and the movie is just boring.

There is no suspense or buildup, no twists, it is all bland and very oatmeal-you know what you are getting and it happens-just as expected.

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more serial killers, go to It Should Have Been a Movie or a Miniseries: American Gothic (2016)

So with today’s topic and October being national domestic violence awareness month, I felt compelled to share this.

I Am a Survivor of Domestic Violence and I Know Help is Out There:

Are you being abused?

It’s abuse when someone who should care about you does or says things that hurt you or make you feel afraid, helpless or worthless. Here are only a few examples:

  • Slapping, hitting, punching, choking, grabbing, shoving, kicking you or your kids, your pets
  • Threatening you, your kids, friends, family or pets
  • Hitting, kicking, slamming walls, doors, furniture, possessions
  • Forcing you to have sex
  • Calling you names, swearing at you, yelling
  • Controlling all the money, even money you earn
  • Blaming you or your kids for everything
  • Putting you down, making you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough
  • Treating you like a servant or slave
  • Controlling where you go, what you do, what you wear
  • Controlling who you see, who you talk to
  • Humiliating you in front of other people
  • Refusing to let you leave the relationship

If you are in danger call 911, a local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

 

The Puppet Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

So sorry to post so late, but I have a really good excuse.

Yes! Really! So a week ago I wrote this post, and then scheduled it-all it needed was some editing and it was good to go. But then my parents had to go out of town and I ended up getting their tickets to A Woman’s Friend banquet, in which Robia LaMorte Scott spoke. Yes, Robia LaMorte who played Jenny Calendar on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I know what are the odds of these happening on the same day?!

Wow

They weren’t originally going to have her either. It was going to be Ashley Bratcher, star of the movie Unplanned, but something came up and they asked fellow Unplanned actress Robia LaMorte Scott to fill in. Crazy, right!

Her flight was actually delayed so it made me get home late.

Sorry, but at the same time, I’m not sorry as I really enjoyed hearing her speak. But enough on that, let’s move on to the review. It friday so that means a TV episode…

So it is time for another Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode.

So I had a hard time choosing a Buffy episode this year as I have already reviewed the creepiest episode (at least in my opinion) of BVS.

And with both Netflix and Amazon not having it anymore, I was at a loss what to pick.

But then the library saved the day. At my library we have 5 seasons which gave me a lot to choose from.  Unfortunately, the DVDs were donated and their cases don’t have any listings as to what episodes are on them.

Ugh!

So I just grabbed random discs and figured I would watch until one struck me. But then I ran into problem number three: my blue-ray doesn’t have a remote so I could only watch the very first episode of each disc.

I got lucky on Season 1, Disc 3, episodes 9-12 with The Puppet Show.

So brief recap on what’s happened so far: so Buffy Summers (Sarah Michelle Geller) moves to Sunnydale and fulfills her role as vampire slayer aided by her watcher, Giles, and two best friends-Willow and Xander.

Buffy has a mysterious friend, Angel (David Boreanaz), who is revealed to be a vampire. But unlike other vampires, he was cursed with his soul so he acts more human than bloodsucking evil. The two fall head over heels with each other.

So far they have fought vampires, witches, a giant praying mantis, an animal demon spirit, an ancient demon masquerading as teenage boy online, and the Master’s plans to destroy Buffy.

Wow

With this episode it is time for a talent show and Principal Synder wants to hurt Giles by forcing him to be in charge. When the gang are overheard making fun of the magician who sucks and Cordelia being off key-the three are cast in it, although they have no clue what to do.

One person is doing a ventriloquist act, and what I want to know does anyone know anyone who does that? They always have it in TV, films, and books but has anyone ever had a kid from their school enter a talent show doing a ventriloquist act?

In fact-we only ever see three acts: dummy, Cordelia, and the magician. Weird as there should be more.

So Morgan sucks at his ventrloquist act, until the dummy starts talking back rudely and in a deeper voice. It’s like he has been taken over by a man from the 1940s.

Morgan also looks ill, and the more time he spends with the dummy, the sicker he looks. Headaches, gray skin, etc.

The only good act, the dancer, is stretching when she is attacked by something.

They find her later with her heart carved out.

That is not good,

So they find no tell tale signs tat this is supernatural and intend on leaving it for the cops. However, Buffy feels there is more to this and convinces them to start looking into whether it was something else, some kind of demon.

Hmm…

Meanwhile, the dummy, Sid, is watching Buffy. He tells Morgan she is the one.

We also get to watch the magician be more terrible at magic. There is a girl helping him and she isn’t good at it either.

That night Buffy talks to her mom who encourages her in the talent show letting her know she will be there that night to watch her perform. Buffy begs her not to come, but no dice.

Ugh! Really, mom!

That night, when Buffy is in her bed something attacks her. She fights it off and her mom runs into the room to check on her, they find nothing-but we see Sid in the window peering in.

Yeah, I’m on the train that Sid is the creepy dummy. I mean was there any doubt, After that Twilight Zone episode? And with R.L. Stine picking up the torch?

Buffy is sure she saw Sid, but when she tells the others-they laugh it off.

Bad things happen when you don’t listen

Buffy tries to talk to Morgan, but they get interrupted by Sid and can’t continue to tal. Morgan puts him in his locker and then Buffy breaks in later, Sid is missing. Did he walk away?

Meanwhile Morgan is acting weirder and sicker, and the dummy is talking so much, it gets taken away from him by the teacher.

Xander steals it when Morgan and the teacher are preoccupied and morgan searches for it, frantic.

Not the best idea.

Meanwhile, Xander reveals to Buffy he has the doll and plays around with it. Buffy warns him not to, but Xander laughs her off. Buffy goes to speak to Morgan while Xander sits the dummy down.

Mr. Giles and Willow do some investigating, and find a book on demons possessing toys. One particular demon needs a heart and brain.

Rupert Giles: Every seven years, these demons *need* human organs, a-a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise, they-they-they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, slightly less appealing.

Willow Rosenberg: [reading] “On rare occasions, inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.”

Uh, oh. They go to Xander, but the dummy is gone!\

Saw that coming,

Buffy goes to find Morgan, but he’s dead, head missing.

What, but I thought he was the guy?

As she investigates further, a candelabra prop crashes down on her. All done by Sid the dummy. She uses her super strength to push it off . The two fight but it turns out that Sid isn’t a demon but a demon hunter.

Sid: This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah. You wouldn’t know it to look at me. Let’s just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I’m not me anymore. I’m sitting on some guy’s knee with his hand up my shirt.

Sid chose Morgan to team up as he was very smart and thought someone as beautiful, strong, ad powerful as Buffy must be a demon.

They discuss who the demon could be and decide it has to be someone involved with the talent show. They go to see who is missing during rehearsal but Buffy finds Morgan’s brain!

Why would the demon not want the brain, that’s what he needs???????! They investigate a bit more and are still puzzled as how Morgan was the smartest kid in school?

Giles leaves as he has to go back to the talent show while the kids hack into the school’s computer. They do notice a lot of sick days and Willow goes into his medical records and find out that he had cancer, and it returned.

The demon needs a new brain, but which one is the demon?

Hmmm

I admit I was lost, I thought maybe they shouldn’t trust Sid after all.

They decide that Willow is the next smartest person so as long as she stays away from the talent show. But then they realize there is another really smart person there, Giles.

That is not good,

There the magician needs a new partner and is using Giles as his sister is sick. The magician straps his head in a guillotine-okay this guy is clearly the demon,

As he prepares, a bit of his arm shows which reveals he is the demon.

Giles is about to be killed, when Buffy and crew come in to save the day. She and Sid go after the demon while Willow and Xander free GIles.

When Buffy knocks the demon out. Sid carves the heart out and is released from his curse, free!

Buffy hold him up, deeply disheartened he’s gone; Xander and Willow are by the guillotine with Willow holding the mallet to break the lock on the guillotine; and Xander holding the rope trying to keep Giles from getting his head cut open; and Giles in the guillotine.

And the curtain goes up!

So a great episode. I really love the twist at the end when it turns out that the dummy is’t the bad guy.

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more Buffy the Vampire Slayer, go to I’d Risk My Life to Save Yours: Earshot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

For more demons, go to Night on Bald Mountain: Fantasia (1940)

For more Sarah Michelle Geller, go to A Study in Fandoms

I Will Wait for You: This Episode Sucks, Psych (2011)

Romantic Moment #7

“This Episode Sucks” Psych (2011) 

I love Psych.

I found the show absolutely hilarious and started watching it all the time. That is until they mentioned the last season. I stopped watching as I didn’t want it to end right away. But of course, if you love something you can’t stay away from it too long.

So the show is about Shawn Spencer (James Roday) who is just your average guy, except for one thing. He has a photographic memory.

His father was a cop and honed a thousand such skills, like psychology of body language, how to detect liars, etc- in him. He rebelled from his father and left his home of Santa Barbara, CA to travel all over the world. When he returns, he is able to solve tons of crimes just from watching the news reports. When the cops get suspicious on how he is doing it, thinking he is actually committing some of these crimes, he lies and says he is a psychic.

Oh, well

Soon he has roped his best friend since childhood, Burton “Gus” Guster into being a part of his crime solving crew, and the duo become consultants for the SBPD (Santa Barbara Police Department).

So a lot of stuff has happened when this episode airs. Shawn and Gus have cemented themselves as consultants for the SBPD and have solved tons of cases. Shawn has started dating Officer Juliet O’Hara, after a long series of him trying to get with her.

Carlton Lassiter and Shawn have a relationship in which most of the time they can’t stand each other, but do have moments where they actually work together.

Carlton wife has divorced him, he’s lonely and unhappy with life. One night as he is drinking at a bar he is approached by a beautiful blonde woman, Marlowe. For serious fans, you’ll recignize her as Kristy Swanson, the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Sh disappears, and Carlton searches for her. The next morning he’s called to a crime scene where a victim has lost all their blood and has two pinpricks at the neck and wrist.

hmm…

Of course Shawn and Gus immediately think Vampire.

And they start investigating as others are attacked and the local blood bank is hit.

Juliet O’Hara; Shawn Spencer as Lestat from Interview With a Vampire; and Gus Guster as Mamuwalde from Blacula

Marlowe ties into all this somehow-could she be a killer? Or worse-a vampire?

Most Romantic Moment: I Will Wait for You

***Spoiler Warning***

So this romantic moment comes at the very end of the episode. Carlton has fallen for Marlowe, only to discover that she originally approached him to knock him out and drain his blood for her brother-someone who suffers from a rare blood type and rare disease that keeps him in constant need of transfusions.

Ouch

She didn’t go through with it, and wanted to date him for him-but has to serve jail time for breaking into the local blood bank and stealing vials for her brother.

She asks him to visit so she can talk to him and he comes.

Marlowe Viccellio: [in jail] I wasn’t sure you’d come.

Carlton Lassiter: I’m a man of my word.

Marlowe Viccellio: I’m so sorry. I wish I…

Carlton Lassiter: Look, you did what you thought you had to do. If there’s an upside to any of this, it’s that your brother will finally get the care he needs now that he’s going to be in the system for a long, long, long time…Can I ask you something?

Marlowe Viccellio: Anything.

Carlton Lassiter: Where would you rate “Pink Cadillac” in the Eastwood canon?

Marlowe Viccellio: Not very high, I’m afraid. I mean, I suppose it’s good as a companion piece to “City Heat”, but he’s much funnier with the orangutan.

[Lassiter turns away, hastily scribbles a note on a scrap of paper, then turns back around and presses the note against the glass]

Awwwwwwwww, so romantic!

Aw!

Not only is he loyal and waits for her, but faithfully visits her every Wednesday.

Aw! How sweet!

To start Romance is in the Air: Part V, go to Who Says I Have to Stop: Fireproof (2008)

For the previous post, go to You Can Be Yourself With Me: George of the Jungle (1997)

For more Psych, go to It’s A Fan World After All

For more on Carlton Lassiter, go to At the End of the Rainbow: 17 More Irish Heroes

For more on Vampires, go to Scarlet Night: Archie’s Weird Mysteries (2000)

Scarlet Night: Archie’s Weird Mysteries (2000)


 

So you know what today is:

So that means it is time to review a TV episode for TV Tuesday

Vampires are coming to Riverdale

This came on the VHS with Attack of the Killer Spuds. This was a pretty good series of episodes, although I thought the end made no sense.

So this storyline is told in three parts; a Vampire Tale in Three Acts. Originally I was going to do them all together, but I have been trying to review this since the first Horrorfest, and every time I find mysef unable to do it . That’s six years of trying.

Wow

So I have decided that I will review each episode individually. I know that makes it a little odd to have so many TV episodes, but I am ready to get this done.

halloween banner

ScarletNightArchieRiverdaleVampires

Act One: Scarlet Night

“Cross of silver, ray of light, in ender’s hand, shall end the night”

The film starts out with Veronica having this strange dream of a Vampire attacking her, only to destroy him with an antique cross necklace. She laughs off the freak only to be scared by a redheaded girl.

The next day she is telling Betty about her dream, mostly laughing it off. They meet up with Jughead and Archie. Then a new girl enters the scene

Redhead Ah!

A new girl has moved to town, and she looks exactly like the girl in Veronica’s dream.

What! Mark Wahlberg that's weird

Her name is Scarlet Helsing (like Van Helsing) and she promptly takes Archie off to discuss his article and her own “weird mysteries”.

Hmm…

This makes Veronica very angry.

that girl is going after my man she is going to wish she was never born

Betty and Veronica are determined to get Archie back, Betty going on the computer to research her, while Veronica decides to follow them.

stalker

Veronica is driving around not paying attention to anything, when she crashes right into Dr. Strange’s Mystical Shop. No, it’s not the Dr. Strange, although he does remind me of him, Dr. Beaumont is the proprietor. As Veronica is picking up Dr. Beaumont’s spilled items, she sees a necklace, an amulet to be exact.

archieiverdalevampiresarchieweirdmysteriesscarletnightnecklace

Just like the one in her dream.

thisisheavybacktothefuture

Dr. Beaumont tells Veronica that it is the Ender’s Stone.

“Cross of silver,

Ray of light,

In Ender’s Hand,

Shall end the night.”

He tells Veronica that there is a prophecy, that on Halloween this year, the sun will set and never rise again, beginning the reign of the Vampires!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, in Pop’s Chocklit Shop, Scarlet is telling Archie the same thing. She has been researching the event and discovered that the only one who can save them is the Ender using the Sun stone or Amulet. Scarlet doesn’t know who the Ender is, as the book wasn’t complete. BUT does know that it is a girl.

hold-up-wait-a-minute-let-me-put-some-pimpin-in-it

Does this sound familiar to you?

The plot thickens

How about her?

Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer

buffyvampireslayerTed

Yes, this series of episodes are a parody of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. While the Master looks like the Master in Buffy the Vampire (TV Series), the rest of it resembles more of the 1992 film than the show.

In the 1992 film, Buffy was a valley girl, uber rich, and a cheerleader who only cared about fashion. In Archie’s Weird Mysteries (AWM), Veronica talks in a valley girl voice, is uber rich, and a cheerleader who only cares about fashion. Both don’t want to be a Slayer or Ender, trying to pass it off to others, but find themselves accepting the role when push comes to shove.

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Also the way the Vampires look and float everywhere resembles the 1992 film more than the TV show.

All right, let’s get back to the review.

So Dr. Beaumont, after hearing Veronica’s dream, decides that she must be the chosen one. He gives her the amulet and takes off.

run-away

Veronica does not want the amulet or to be the chosen one.

No thank youhowaboutno

She decides to head over to Pops to find Archie. After all, he’s the Weird Mystery expert, he should know what to do.

While Archie and Veronica are talking in the parking lot, two vampires come up behind them and begin chasing them, trying to bite them.

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They manage to climb a building, but when the Vampires follow them there, they jump off, using a vampire to break their fall.

Back on solid ground, they spot Dr. Beaumont’s Shop, and as he forgot to lock the door, they hide inside it. Veronica is even more convinced that she is not the Ender, and gives the necklace to Archie. But while inside Veronica spots an open book. She reads the pages and sees another prophecy about the Ender.

“Raven and Red upon their heads,

Destiny awakens,

One girl is the Ender,

While the other is mistaken.”

rchieiverdalevampiresarchieweirdmysteriesscarletnightnecklacebook

Before she can think about what it means, Archie tells her the coast is clear and that they should make a run for it. They discover that it was really a trap, as the Vampires are waiting outside the doors. The Vampires attack, but they manage to fight them off and run.

Run Away

As they run, they run right into Scarlet.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow what

How did she just happen upon them? Sounds suspicious. I think she’s evil.

you're evil

Scarlet takes down the Vampires, knocking them out. When Archie asks how she found them, she tells him she was “lucky” and that she has been following Archie to “help him.” Yeah, I don’t think so. This girl is crazy. Step away, step far, far, away.

Her in this case

Her in this case

And following him? Hello stalker.

stalker

Archie needs to hang out with Betty more, she’s the only normal one here.

Anyways, Veronica is convinced that any girl who can beat up a couple of Vampires, must be the Ender. She decides to head home, while Archie and Scarlet go to his place.

Back at Veronica’s mansion, Betty calls. It turns out that she has some very interesting news about Scarlet from her old school. It is really old, as Scarlet went to high school over 200 years ago!

OMG

That means only one thing. She is a Vampire!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Veronica collects her things and sets out for Archie’s place.

Back at the Andrews residence, Archie gives Scarlet the amulet, telling her that he thinks she is the Ender. Scarlet refuses, Archie argues and while he is doing so, he notices something weird. Scarlett has no refecltion in the mirror!!!

Say What

Scarket is a vampire!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scarlet can walk around during the day, like the other vampire minions, as long as she stays in her human form. It was her job to find and kill the Ender, so that nothing stood between the Master and the Eternal night. He needs Eternal night as he cannot roam during the day. As Scarlet has revealed all, she settles down to feed on Archie.

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When she is stopped by…Jughead with a hamburger!

SayWhat?BuffyVampireSlayernosense

Yes, Jughead stuffs a GARLIC hamburger in Scarlet’s mouth, while he, Betty, and Veronica pull Archie out of the house through the window. Archie grabbing the necklace on his way out.

Count Dracula: Van Helsing. [Van Helsing turns to face Count Dracula] Count Dracula: Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to your own country. Van Helsing: I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy. Count Dracula: You are too late. My blood now flows through her veins. She will live through the centuries to come, as I have lived. Van Helsing: Should you escape us, Dracula. We know how to save Miss Mina's soul if not her life. Count Dracula: If she dies by day. But I shall see that she dies by night. Van Helsing: And I will have Carfax Abbey torn down, stone by stone, excavated a mile around. I will find your earth-box and drive that stake through your heart. Count Dracula: Come here. [Dracula raises his hand to hypnotise Van Helsing] Count Dracula: Come here...Your will is strong, Van Helsing. [Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him] Count Dracula: More wolfbane? Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count. Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]

Veronica quickly grabs the necklace and thrusts it upwards, using it to kill the vampires. Archie & the gang have not only won, but Veronica discovered she is capable of much more than shopping.

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Or is IT?

To start Horrorfest VI from the beginning, go to One of Our Guests is a Werewolf, I Know It.: The Beast Must Die (1974)

For the previous post, go to Welcome to a New World of Gods and Monsters: The Mummy (2017)

For more on Archie’s Weird Mysteries, go to When Potatoes Go Bad: Attack of the Killer Spuds (1999)

For more on Archie Comics, go to Simply Fantastic

For more on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, go to I’d Risk My Life to Save Yours: Earshot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

For more vampires, go to Dracula. Not Myth, Nor Ravings of a Mad Irish Novelist, Oh No, He’s Real: Dracula 2000 (2000)

I’d Risk My Life to Save Yours: Earshot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

Romantic Moment #10

Go here to see which you belong in

Go here to see which you belong in

“Earshot” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

So my friend was a huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and took me along for the ride. I loved it, especially Angel (David Boreanaz).

Angel

Why did he have to leave the show?

MeanGirls I know right!

Anyways, he makes it so hard to pick just one romantic moment, darn you super romantic guy. But I think I settled on a moment that truly shows how much he cares for Buffy.

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So this episode takes place during season three. The Mayor has been revealed as evil:

Mayor from Buffy the vampire slayer

Faith accidentally killed a guy and has gone crazy, siding with the mayor and trying to destroy Buffy (Sarah Michelle Geller).

She is crazy!

She is crazy!

They tried to take away Angel’s soul so that he is evil

Dracula

He joins Faith, dating her now:

1Star-Wars-Luke-NOOO-Not-my-father

But it turns out to be a plot cooked up by Buffy and Angel to get info on the mayor.

However, having Angel going off and be with Faith like that has given Buffy lots of doubts and uncertainty about if Angel really cares about her and what really happened between them.

HeartHurtsDon'tKnowCanDoAgainHeartbroken

She fights a demon, but accidentally gets its blood on her. This gives her the power to read minds.

What?!

But soon this goes bad. The powers grow so strong that she can’t stop hearing voices, her mind hurts so bad, and she overheard that someone is trying to kill everyone in the school.

Not good

Not good

Buffy gets sent home to rest, while her watcher Giles searches for a cure, and the rest of the crew try to find out who is the possible murderer.

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Most Romantic Moment: Angel Practically Gets Burned Alive to Save Buffy

So Buffy is going to go completely insane unless she can drink this antidote. The only problem? They need the other demon’s heart, but how can they get it without the Slayer?

Angel buffy the vampire slayer

That’s right, Angel goes out and spends all night and half the day searching for the demon, killing him and bringing back the heart. Now why is that romantic? Well Angel is a Vampire, and has risked his life and suffered in pain; burning in the sunlight. I mean he was literally smoking.

ouch Hermione

And he continues through this to track down the only thing he knows can save Buffy, because he loves her.

igotitbuffythevampireslayerigotthis

And if that’s not enough he then stays by her side watching her until he knows she is okay.

buffythevampireslayerlayinginbedsleepsickwaitingareyouokay

So romantic!

So romantic!

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To start Romance is in the Air: Part V, go to I Did It for You: Edward Scissorhands (1990)

For the previous post, go to I Would Go Through Anything for You: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

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For more Buffy the Vampire Slayer, go to She’s Been Totally Different…Like Stepford: Ted, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

For more Angel, go to Lookin’ Over a Four-Leaf Clover: 17 More Irish Heroes

For more Buffy, go to I’m the Chosen One. And I Choose to be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

For more David Boreanaz, go to The Butcher of Burtonsville High: The Death of the Queen Bee, Bones (2010)

For more Sarah Michelle Geller, go to A Study in Fandoms