Sorry Frankie, I am crying:
Nooooooooooooooo
I have to review another episode of Austentatious!
So those of you who might not be aware of what Austentatious is, I’ll do a brief recap. Elinor Dashwood, Marianne Dashwood, Elizabeth Bennet, and Emma Woodhouse-all coexist in the same city and are friends. They also are friends with Grant Knightley (Mr. Knightley): Elizabeth is trying to sell a agonizingly rude Mr. Darcy a house; and Elinor is trying to deal with Marianne moving in. Thus far…I DO NOT LIKE IT…
Ugh, this show!
Will I feel the same today? Well:
We start off the episode with Emma and Grant (Knightley) are hanging out. Emma brings an announcement for Mr. and Mrs Weston’s child Sam marrying Patricia (who are these people, we don’t know!)
What?
Will they play an important role in the series? Probably not and such a shame as Sam (assuming to be Frank Churchill) could have added some spice to what is already looking to be a boring episode.
Anyways, Emma takes credit for it. Then Elinor comes to join them, and Emma plans to set her up. Elinor isn’t interested, but needs help getting rid of a date she already made. Why don’t you just tell him the truth? Or need be-say you are sick.
Elinor doesn’t want to go out with Collin (Mr. Collins) a guy who lives in her building. Okay-like he isn’t drop dead gorgeous but he wasn’t downright annoying either or creepy. They should have upped that. I mean of all the Collins, he was the lamest. I mean Ricky Collins in The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice (1995), and Mr. Collins in P&P (1995) were all just so eye-rollingly annoying. You just wanted them to stop!
Seriously calm down
This guy is just blah, whatever.
Meh.
Although, he does have a problem taking no for an answer, so that does make him a creep and having their first date be in his apartment-yeah no go! Never, ever go on a first date and be in the person’s home. Major, MAJOR red flag!
Just say no!
But you know what she never even agreed to the date. I mean he walked off before she could say yes or no, so really she can just not go and if he says anything tell him she’s not interested. And if he continues to harass her, file a restraining order-or at least threaten to.
Don’t mess with me!
And you know what, when he asked Elinor if she had plans why didn’t she just say yes. Staying home and reading a book is plans. Not going out with you is plans. And its not lying.
Okaaaaaaaaaaay, strike what I said earlier. They up his creep factor as he’s been watching her for weeks. Dateline called-he’s totally giving off the profile of serial killer. (Is Dateline too old of a reference?) Tell him no and get a restraining order.
Not going out with you.
Elinor agrees to go out as “He’s not too bad”. Hold up, Elinor that’s what I thought too at first, but the man’s been watching you for WEEKS! Serial killer profile right there.
On a side note-this guy kind of looks like Monk’s annoying neighbor. It’s not, but how much more awesome a Mr. Collins would he have made?
Grant’s advice “At least you get dinner out of it” True, true. Better order something expensive to make up for it. But then again how do you know he doesn’t plan on Elinor being his dinner!
Elinor goes home and finds her sister eating cereal even though it is 5:30 pm. Why, you may ask? Because the clock didn’t have batteries in it when Marianne hung it up, so she thought it was 11:45. Oh chuckie darn.
Ugh, why do they make Marianne so dumb and empty headed in modern adaptions. Yes, she was a romantic and yes she was not sensible-but that doesn’t mean you have to make her a dunce.
A dunce who doesn’t want a job. Geez, why does everyone do that? Why do they think because she is a romantic she is lazy?
How does that translate to “I’m lazy?”
It DOESN’T!
Lizzie is trying to sell houses when she gets a call from ugh, Darcy. This actor makes him such a jerk I’d like to fastfoward any scene with him in it.
I know, sacrilege. But don’t blame me-it was the writers!
They failed!
What an awful show, it actually made me hate on Darcy. No wonder it got canceled.
Sorry if I don’t like something, I’m extra cruel.
Not really
Elizabeth’s not super interested and a shocked that he would call her after their last meeting. But you know sadistic jerks like that kind of thing.
Lizzie gives in unlike how she would normally do. Seriously, Elizabeth would be all:
Elinor meets up with Marianne and Emma complaining. Marianne tells her just admit she’s not into him, a great idea. Emma cautions her against it as it “will be awkward.” Oh Emma…
Lizzie comes running up, not able to stay long as she has to go do her next showing. She tells them about how Darcy called, and she would have turned him down but the is going to be good. But don’t forget Lizzie, there is a big IF there, IF he actually buys a house. And I feel like that’s not happening.
Emma tries to warn Lizzie it is going to be hard as Darcy is just, urgh. She encourages Lizzie not to let Darcy make her feel bad or act like she doesn’t know her stuff. Stay strong girl. Be the Lizzie we know and love.
Back with Elinor and Marianne, Marianne is doing a job analysis board to try and figure out what she will be good at-and what she wants to do. Marianne is mostly looking for which job will give her acess to hot guys. Okay how did this:
To this?
One job she is interested in is a bookkeeper for a Construction company as she “will be looking at hot guys” and Elinor is all no they will be ugly, fat, and sweaty. Okay Elinor way to be super cruel. You don’t know that, and not every construction guy is fat. And maybe that’s just their genetics. Way to body shame.
And okay this takes place in 2015 and all the jobs she looks at are in the paper. I was job hunting in 2014-15-there was very little in the paper. Online was, and is, where it is at. She should be sitting at a computer sending her resume into LinkedIn, monster, zipdrive, doing online applications, and checking out Craigslist.
Lizzie goes to the office to see Darcy, which is a bad idea, but she needs to as she wants to speak to him about her commission and prove that she knows what she is doing. Darcy is a jerk, but finally agrees.
Elinor gets home and finds Marianne hanging out on the couch with Grant and Emma, Grant stretched out on her couch on top of Emma.
Uh..friends don’t do that-that’s a total relationship thing. Seriously.
They are there to help Elinor get rid of Collin and Marianne with her job search. They decide the best thing to do is dress bad, and Elinor does a mini-fashion show.
Elinor tries on different outfits, but ultimately puts on the one she originally had and they all declare it to be the one to scare him. Yeah saw that joke coming a mile away.
I waited so long for this joke I died…
Lizzie and Darcy start looking over houses…and we all know how this will go:
Darcy is so annoying…
Ugh!
He gives her his specifications of what he wants and expects her to have 20 houses for him to look at. Well hey dude, maybe you could have emailed me what you wanted!!!!! You ever think of that????!!!!!!!
Forget you!
If I was Lizzie I would have given him a verbal beatdown- classy and professionally- left, blocked his number, and walked away no looking back.
Lizzie brings up she didn’t know and he’s all-you didn’t ask. Well she did in the last episode. So there doofus.
Take this list, you jerk!
And his final thing of what he wants, it should appeal to one woman, Well if that’s the case why isn’t she looking at the homes? How am I supposed to find a house if I don’t even know this woman.
Seriously stop!
He is so abusive that I can hardly watch this. I don’t know who wrote him this way, but they obviously have never read the books. Darcy gives one comment in the books-one, and it isn’t even really against Elizabeth! It is more I don’t want to dance and I am going to say this so you will leave me alone. They are making him the biggest jerk ever. And verbally and emotionally abusive putting her down like that and berating her-everything is her fault. It’s awful!
Did you even READ the book!!??
Elinor and Collin are on their date, being the only ones at his favorite restaurant, weird. He orders for her which is a major NOOOO!
Back at the apartment, Grant and Emma are hanging out with Marianne, waiting for Elinor. I thought this whole interaction and the way that Grant and Emma are just always over and eating Elinor’s food is weird. I have never ever had friends do this unless we lived together. We’ll just wait at your house and eat your food until your date is done? Maybe come over when the date ends or the next day, but just hanging out without you in your home. That seems really strange to me. They must be limited on set, the restaurant took most of their budget.
So Marianne and Emma throw darts at Marianne’s job board to decide her next job. But they don’t tell us, means it is supposed to be a “joke”.
Back at the restaurant, Elinor is not enjoying her meal. Collin thinks she is trying to “not eat” on a date, as women do.
Collin reveals the real reason he took her out. He needs her help. She tries to tell him she’s not interested but he puts his hand up and says “don’t interrupt” OH NO YOU DID NOT.
It’s like an explosion of rage. I can’t stand when guys do that-urgh jut makes me furious.
He’s into Lizzie and wants Elinor’s help getting her. He thinks Lizzie is shy and thought approaching a friend is better than going straight for her. Elinor is not going to help, but C won’t listen. She has to state it again-NO.
Seriously stop!
Finally he gets it through his skull, and is not happy, but asks her to keep his secret. Even without her help he is going to go after Elizabeth anyway. Oh and he wants her to pay, since it wasn’t a “real date.”
Elinor fakes illness and takes off for home.
Marianne tries to find an outfit for job interview and her clothes are all behind the times. None if these are what people were wearing at the time.
No, no, no
Lizzie comes over to the house and complains about jerkface. Elinor also comes back and says that it was awful but she doesn’t want to talk about it.
The next day Marianne stops by to say hi to Emma. She applied as a physical therapist-but she has no degree or experience, so she didn’t get the job.
Seriously
Like why is she so dumb?
It ends as she runs off to her interview as an astronomer.
That’s it for today, I’m out of her-and I’m not looking forward to the next episode. But as I like to say, “That’s a problem for future Moreland. She can deal with it.”
For more Austentatious, go to We Are Family: Austentatious (2015)
For more Jane Austen film retellings, go to Mrs. Darcy Wants to Know the Truth!: Death Comes to Pemberley, Episode Three (2013)
For more Sense & Sensibility, go to Jane Austen Chinese Zodiac
For more Pride & Prejudice, go to Pride, Prejudice, and Personal Statements
For more Emma, go to Austen Avengers Assemble!
