So guess what today is?
It’s time to review a Stephen King film!!!!!
Some of you are:
Others are:
Ugh
So I had a weird time this year. I haven’t picked a Stephen King film in a long time. I mean the last few years they have been films picked by others. So I was trying to think of his other movies and what to review.
I really enjoyed the nostalgia critic review of this film, so I chose:
“Late last night and the night before, tommyknockers, tommyknockers knocking on my door. I wanna go out, don’t know if I can ‘cuz I’m so afraid of the tommyknocker man.”
Was it really as bad as nostalgia critic said?
Well…I watched it and…I think it is worse.
Oh my goodness It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOORING!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the film is in Haven, Maine-down the way from Derry, Maine (home of It). And has quite a bit of characters: as NC would say it:
So we have Bobbi Anderson, (Marg Helgenberger), who you may recognize from CSI: Las Vegas, and is a writer suffering from a writer’s block. She lives with her boyfriend and dog and found a strange object in her backyard.
Jim “Gard” Gardner (Jimmy Smits) is Bobbi’s boyfriend and also a writer. He is an alcoholic and hasn’t written anything in a long time. He was at a conference when she discovered the thing in the field.
Joe Paulson (Cliff de Young) is the mailman and constantly cheats on his wife, Deputy Becka Paulson, Allyce Beasley, (why she has a gun? I mean that is pretty dumb) with the postmistress Nancy Voss (Traci Lords).
Then there is the Brown family, the father-annoying, mean, etc-Bryant (Robert Carradine). He runs the diner with his wife Marie (Annie Corley). They have two sons, Hilly (obssessed with magic) and Davey who is scared of dolls. Their grandpa Ev, likes to tell them stories about the woods. He says there is magic in the woods-the very woods Bobbi was digging in.
And lastly, the Sheriff Ruth Merrill, (Joanna Cassidy) who has a creepy doll collection. And is in love with the Sheriff in Derry.
I know Stephen King and his character’s “personalities”.
Anyways, so the thing they find in the woods is weird and makes some disappear-like Davey and the dog, etc. When the boy disappears, all go looking for him-except for Joe who meets up with Nancy for sexy time.
Seriously man?
It also starts giving people all this mechanical and home improvement. knowledge. Bobbi builds a typewriter that writes stories for her and can redo her plumbing. Nancy builds a better mail sorter and lipstick laser. Becka turns her TV into a death trap when she catches her husband and Nancy together. The general store owner builds a silver polishing machine, and Bryant makes a BLT put together machine. Some even get psychic powers.
But with all this power it also takes something. Everything comes with a price. All but Jim are affected, as he has a metal plate in his head that blocks it, and they all look like zombies or skeletons-ashy, gray, sweaty, loosing teeth, etc. Hilly gets a giant brain tumor-and his grandpa is spared from this as he had to go to Derry to get him looked after.
The machines also go funky as they are being controlled, and when Sheriff Merrill tries to stop Bobbi and her followers, her dolls kill her.
Predictable!
Gard is the only one left. The rest try to get him drunk so he doesn’t get their real plan of world domination. When he does discover him-since they can’t control him, they make him a slave-digging out the alien ship, Bobbi’s “thing she found” turned out to be.
Officer Duggan of Derry and Ev go back to the town to help out-and a coca cola machine blows up at Duggan and Ev is stopped by his daughter and son-in-law. They uncover the ship, and Gard knows he needs to stop it. He convinces Bobbi that he is one of them-knocking a tooth out.
They go down and Gard breaks the spell over Bobbi and they save the dog and Davey. He goes in the machine and “stops” it somehow. The end.
It was boring and a lot made no sense.
For instance-why is Bryant the only man who is affected to it? Everyone else who builds things ad gets powers are women. Does Bryant have something that makes him different? Are they saying something about him? What’s that about.
Hmmm…
No offense to Becka, but why did she believe her husband “having to work late”. I mean he’s a postal employee. Why would he be there all hours of the night. They close at five no matter what or how many people are waiting in line. Believe me I know.
What is with Nancy? She likes only married guys as first Joe and then Bryant. Aren’t there any single guys for her?
Only thing I did like in this movie-Nancy goes to see Joe after Becka killed him and she’s in a black hat with veil and coat-crying and grieving. But then she tells him its time for her to move on and she rips it off to show a red skin tight dress. Hilarious! It was just so out there.
So very boring film and NOT good. Pass it on by, or watch NC‘s review if you have a hankering.
To start Horrorfest VII from the beginning, go to It’s the End of the World: The Birds (1963)
For the previous post, go to One Who Was Both Hero and Villain: Maleficent (2014)
For more Stephen King, go to Sometimes, Dead is Better: Pet Sematary (1989)
For more Nostalgia Critic, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)
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