The Return of the List: Catherine Morland’s Viewing List, Part II

I year ago it was Friday the 13th and all I could think about was watching scary movies. While I did I started thinking what movies would Catherine Morland and Henry Tilney like if they were real and lived today? I decided to put together a list of 30 film recommendations that our girl Catherine Morland or boy Henry Tilney would most certainly love!

This is a continuation from the original, Catherine Morland’s Viewing List and will be another great 30 Gothic films or films with Gothic components. For those who are wondering what classifies something as a Gothic, here is the definition.

Gothic fiction, which is largely known by the subgenre of Gothic horror, is a genre or mode of literature and film that combines fiction and horror, death, and at times romance.

Any films I have already reviewed that fit for this list I will just list and link here, while any future film I review I will add a little note as to why it belongs on this list. I have 10 years worth of horror film reviews from my annual October Horrorfest, but I’m not sure how many of those will be on here. For now I’m going to put on the ones I have recently re-edited, and then will be adding more as time goes by. If you are looking for recommendations, be sure to check back later, and if you have a suggestion be sure to comment below!

I Bid You Welcome: Dracula (1931)

Even a Man Pure of Heart: The Wolf Man (1941)

Because I Am Mad, I Hate You. Because I Am Mad, I Have Betrayed You: Gaslight (1944)

If Only It Was the Picture Who was to Grow Old, and I Remain Young: The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945)

What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie?: Scream (1996)

That Video…is Not of This World: Ringu (1998)

For more movie lists, go to Non-Austen Films for Austen Fans

Creepy Baby, Vampire Worldwide Tour, and Psych Ending. At Least it Has Lee Pace: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, Part II (2012)

Twilight on a Thursday instead of a Saturday?

Weeeeeell, as what usually happens, I have fallen behind. I had something else scheduled for today but the review is not easy, so I decided to move this review up a day.

Yes I was never planning on reviewing the last Twilight on a Saturday as Saturday the 30th holds a very special anniversary! (Any guesses what it could be?) So Twilight was always going to be moved up a day, it’s just going to be an even extra day. I don’t feel bad about breaking the symmetry as this film was not very good and psyched everyone out. To be honest I think everyone who spent money on a ticket watching this should get their money back as it was really a waste.

At least on the positive side, even though this is a terrible movie it means I will finally be done with Twilight.

No more Twilight ever!

So as I said in my previous reviews of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga” before this year. I remember when the books and films came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

This really happened at my school, but not with a shovel.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays (although today ended up being a #twihardthursday ) for Horrorfest X.

After watching these I do not understand how this captured the interest of so many. I mean I was there when it happened and witnessed it, but I’m still in shock as to why, why do so many people like them? Like of all the books in the world why was this terribly written one the one that “made it”?

I find them all to be really boring and to not make any sense at all, but at least I am now finally at the end.

So Edward and Bella are horrible parents, which doesn’t surprise me as they can’t even take care of themselves or make good decisions. Like where is the baby in all this “I’m a vampire nonsense that we already witnessed in the first film. Like they don’t even care who is watching her.

I also hate the name Reneesme, it is an extremely dumb choice and they should have listened to Rosalie (except no one does).

Jacob comes to see Bella and they are so mean calling him stinky. They are so mean to the werewolves. It is really uncomfortable how the Natice Americans are the werewolves and are told they stink and aren’t good enough. Hmmm, it makes me wonder about Stephanie Meyer.

Hmmm…

The show the baby and it is SUPER creepy. The baby is ABSOLUTELY terrifying, it looks like a robot. And then have a weird scene where the baby remembers trying to kill her mother. She was trying to end this series I guess, and failed. If only she actually could have.

Issues arise as Jacob is very protective of the baby and imprints on it. And I don’t care how they try to explain it, him imprinting on the baby and falling in love with her is weird.

But his creepy pedophilia “saves” the baby, (you know Stephanie Meyer is weird and this film has me really wondering about her) as because a werewolf imprinted the baby cannot be killed by then but must be protected. But Edward chooses to say nothing and let Bella beat Jacob up. I can’t blame him though, I’d probably do the same thing.

Bella is all mad about the Nessie nickname but I’m like you gave her the dumb name in the first place.

Why is Edward the only married vampire? How come Emmett and Jasper don’t marry their ladies?

So with Bella being a vampire, they made up a story that she became really ill and is in Switzerland getting treatment. The plan is for her to “die”, the Cullens to move, and for them to return after all who knew them has died. I’m like does she even care about her dad Charlie? He’s probably trying to get tickets to Switzerland to see her.

Jacob is all mad that the Cullens are planning to lead. He doesn’t want them to take the baby. He decides to show his wolf self to Charlie in an attempt to get the Cullens stay.

I feel bad for Charlie. I wish he would get remarried and have a good wife and a grateful daughter.

The budget is not very good in this, I don’t know where the money went (probably to that creepy baby). The makeup is horrible and the CGI is really bad.

So they have Bella meet up with her das and introduce the baby, who still looks like demon spawn, and to be honest not much happens. This movie is one of the most boring-est things I have ever seen. They did not need to make this into two films at all; this should have been one.

The baby grows really fast and continues to look extremely creepy. creepy CGI face .

One day Irina sees Bella, Jacob, and Reneesme out together and gets really angry about, deciding to tell the Volturi who aren’t even that scary.

Irina thinks Renesme is an immortal child. What kind of what is that? You know what I don’t really care.

You know, how come the vampire ladies can’t sleep with a human man and have a baby, why is it the vampire men are the only ones with the magic semen/venom? That seemed really unfair to me.

So this plot is weird. I mean the Volturi aren’t that scary, Bella could take them all out as one none of their powers work on her and she’s super strong as she’s a baby vamp (you know the whole plot to the previous film). But they are scared and decide they need to take their baby to all these vampires to prove she is only a half vamp.

So this becomes Passport Around the World Vampire Edition.

This movie is really, really, really boring. And again should have been one film not two parts.

But then something happens to make this film a little more bearable: Lee Pace. I’m like Lee Pace you deserve so much better than this film but thank you for making my viewing a bit more enjoyable.

Even though Lee Pace is in this, there isn’t enough of him. It reminds me of The Mortal Instruments when they had Aidan Turner and just wasted him. He was hardly in the film and I was like they should have made the film ALL him. That’s how I feel about this film and Lee Pace, they should have had him in it more. Such a handsome man, I have this still from Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.

I’m totally checked out this film. Is so boring I’m done.

Where’s Buffy when you need her?

From Buffy the Vampire Slayer

What is this Volturi Michael Sheen wearing? Is he going to the circus? What’s with all the gold braid. What is Michael Sheen doing? What is that noise? Is he having a stroke.

So we have a fight but like where is the epic music for the fight? Like they should have had intense music.

It’s a really lame fight though as one man can control the elements and he does nothing. Why doesn’t he set them all on fire?

The battle scene is lame and the vampires are like super easy to kill. They are like ceramic vampire Barbie dolls. You can just pull their heads off to kill them.

It turns out to be all a vision from Alice and they don’t fight. Everyone just goes home.

That’s it. That’s how they decide to end this.

This film was a literal waste. Like I can’t believe they made this. It had no plot, it was boring, and to be honest-dumb.

So that’s it! We are done everybody!

It’s over, I’m free!!

For more on Twilight, go to Vampire Wedding, Vampire Baby, and Bella Finally Gets What She Always Wanted: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part I (2011)

For more vampires, go to You’re Kids. I’m a Vampire!: Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire (2000)

For more werewolves, go to The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)

Vampire Wedding, Vampire Baby, and Bella Finally Gets What She Always Wanted: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part I (2011)

So you all, I’m really excited! There are only two Twilight films left and then I’m all done with the series!

So as I said in my review of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga” before this year. I remember when the books and films came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

This really happened at my school, but not with a shovel.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays for Horrorfest X. This is my first time watching them and I do not understand why people like this films. I just do not get it at all. 

I find them all to be really boring and to not make any sense at all. I would actually like to not finish this series, but you know me. When I start something I have to complete it. So here we go with film four (that really should be the last one but they decided to spilt in half for no reason.)

So Bella and Edward are going to get married but I’m really think that is a terrible decision as they do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I’m not the only one who is questioning this as Jacob is angry and throws his invitation in the rain puddle and her dad is sad. Probably thinking he should have fought harder for custody and then maybe his child wouldn’t have grown up to have so many vampire undead issues.

Bella looks sadly at the dream catcher, but you broke Jacobs heart so don’t be acting that way.

Bella is mad that Edward tells her it isn’t too late to change her mind. Yeah, he giving you a way out because he doesn’t want to turn you into a vampire and he’s probably thinking about how you cheated on him when you kissed Jacob in the last film.

Edward decided to tell Bella the rest of his life story. Edward rebelled against Carlisle and went off killing and drinking blood. In one scene he is watching the premiere of The Bride of Frankenstein, now I love that film but it feels a little on the nose to include it in this movie. They make Edward not really bad as he murdered a lot of people but they were all “monsters”. Yeah, he can read their minds but he didn’t know whether or not they would actually act in it.

Hmm…

Bella has a dream about the wedding and sees the Volturi and all the roses turn to blood. Blood is everywhere, on her dress, and everyone is dead-I know this is just supposed to be symbolic but she should really be thinking about this as a possibility that as it could actually happen. I mean she turning is breaking the covenant with the werewolves. Like does she even care people will die for her selfishness?

Now I really like Charlie Swan, he’s my favorite character. He sees the graduation cap mural and thinks it is really, really weird. I also like that he is 100% against this wedding, but even though he feels this way he still gives her a hair comb, a beautiful one. Such a sweet dad.

I wish Charlie had raised Bella as she would have been a better person and not so crazy or dreaming to be a vampire.

Jessica thinks Bella is pregnant and Bella is surprised people would think that. I’m like, yeah, I think most would assume that as she is 18 years old and previously kept talking about how she thinks marriage is dumb.

You know all the vampires have yellow eyes and look super jaundiced, yet no one is questioning why Carlisle the doctor, hasn’t taken care of this?

I noticed too that they got rid of the blue overlay and the whole set is much warmer. They also warmed up all the people too, the vampires don’t look like walking dead anymore.

So after the wedding, Charlie gives a speech and I love it, he is definitely the best character. I also love how he gives the mom a weird look when she is singing, he’s like why did I ever marry her I must have been super drunk.

I should not have ever married her.

Jacob missed the wedding, but stopped by the reception instead. They talks and Bella is really inappropriate talking about the “night”. Jacob warns Bella she should not sleep with Edward as a human as she could die. But Bella doesn’t care, she wants vampire love and if she almost dies, even better as he’ll be forced to turn her.

As Bella and Edward drive away, they hear the wolf cry and we all know it is Jacob.

From The Wolf Man (1941)

Carlisle gives Edward an island, Esme Island. Can Carlisle adopt me?

Please pick me.

So we have gone through a third of this film already and it has just been a wedding. It’s pretty boring.

Their honeymoon scenes are super awkward. Edward and Bella were together the first night and his vampire loving left a lot of bruises on her body. Since then, he hasn’t wanted to be do anything so then we just get a ton of scenes of Bella trying to seduce him.

Bella is weird and all I can think is why do you want to spend the rest of your vampire life with her? I’d be like stake me now.

Bella basically cries until Edward give in, and again-all this is weird to watch.

Weird…

They then abruptly switch to the werewolves. Jacob is planning to kill the vampires, but Sam says no. And Sam is the alpha make. Jacob need to stop being Moody McBroody. It’s really annoying

Bella throws up and realizes she’s pregnant. She thought it was impossible as he’s a vampire and they don’t have kids. My first call would be to call Carlisle.

Jacob goes to see Charlie and hears that Bella is sick. Jacob thinks she might have been turned and they are lying and he goes to see Bella at the Cullens. Jacob tells her she looks terrible and she does, she looks like she hasn’t slept in days and is so faint and super pregnant.

Should not have slept with Edward.

Bella is way too calm to have become giant pregnant lady in two weeks. Like I don’t know anyone who would be this calm. I’ve had dreams like this and freaked out more than her and it is actually happening to her body.

If I was Bella I’d be afraid I was caring the devil’s child like in Rosemary’s Baby. That’s who Rosalie should kill, Rosemary’s horrible husband. I’m going to make a fictional hit list for Rosalie to hunt down and take out.

Your on my list!

I can’t believe this is even a plot point as there is no way that Edward could have even made a baby.

The werewolves have a wolf pack meeting like in The Jungle Book. And they want to kill Bella and the baby. Jacob fights with Sam but Sam enforces his alpha male status and Jacob runs off to create his own pack of one. But it quickly becomes two as Seth comes to help Jacob as he left Sam’s pack and Seth is so cute. Leah also comes as she can’t stand being with her ex, Sam

Jacob warns the Cullens and all I could think is man Bella you’re messing everyone up. Like they warned her and she didn’t care sand she still doesn’t care that everyone could be killed because of her desire to be a vampire.

This movie is really boring and there isn’t any actions. Edward is yahooing (really Edward?) to find out about vampire babies. He’s been alive 100 years and this is the first time he has ever heard of vampire babies? I’m telling you Edward has magic semen, oops I mean venom.

Bella looks like the crypt keeper. And the baby is apparently killing her. Crushing her from the inside out.

Bella is super faint and old looking and hair is turning white. For someone who was freaking out two movies ago about growing old she is really calm for one who is growing super old.

Why is Edward the husband not rubbing her back when she’s throwing up? He does nothing and Jacob does all the hard work.

The baby is eating Bella I guess, so they need to give her blood and instead of a transfusion she has to drink it out of a straw, which is impossible.

What else is weird is if she was consuming large amounts of blood she would develop lesions in her brain, they should give her a blood transfusion.

This movie is super boring and makes zero sense. I would have been mad if I sat outside in line for hours and wasted my time or money on this.

It astounds me that if all the books that are written and published this is the one that made it and sold millions and was turned into a film? This one? I feel bad for all the authors out here who are such great writers and write wonderful stories and are stuck in obscurity while this and After and The Bad Boys Girl and Fifty Shades of Grey are the ones making money.

Rosalie is the Cassandra of this series, no one listen later to her and they should. She was right about how they shouldn’t turn Bella into a vampire, she’s right about the danger, and she’s right about the name Renesme being dumb.

Bella’s back breaks from the infant and of course the doctor is gone as he went to get Bella food. Rosalie tries to cut the umbilical cord but then tries to eat her, Edward like rips her open with his mouth and hands and this scene is gross and weird. This whole film is.

Bella is dying and Edward tries to bring her back and I’m like let her die.

Edward gives her venom and she turns into a vampire. Jacob becomes a pedophile in this film and falls in love with the baby.

So the werewolves don’t kill the baby because he imprinted her and she is now protected by the pack. He saved the baby but he’s still a pedophile. Edward should pinch him I’m mad that he did that.

So this film was horrible. Like all this could have been summed up in like 30 mins and this easily could have been just one film. It really was not necessary and it honestly feels like a cash grab. I’m glad I’m almost done with this series and only have one film left.

For more on Twilight, go to Edward and Jacob Fight Over Who Should Be With Bella, And We Get Jasper’s Back Story: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse (2010)

For more vampires, go to You’re Kids. I’m a Vampire!: Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire (2000)

For more werewolves, go to The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)

Edward and Jacob Fight Over Who Should Be With Bella, And We Get Jasper’s Back Story: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse (2010)

So as I said in my review of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga”. I remember when they came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays for Horrorfest X. This is my first time watching them and I do not understand why people like this films. I just do not get it at all.

Huh?

I find them to be really boring and to not make any sense at all. I would actually like to not finish this series, but you know me. When I start something I have to complete it. So here we go with film three.

So we start this film off very different than the others. Some dude we don’t know is walking in the rain, and gets knocked over by a vampire. There is screeching, fighting, etc. I don’t know if that’s how the book starts, but this makes me feel like some studio head did a survey and the charts said that they needed more action.

I’m done

We then switch to Bella and I’m tired of her saying all these deep quotes and laying in the fields and grass. It looks so uncomfortable.

This interaction between Bella and Edward is weird as she is nagging him about turning her and I thought this was all solved in the last film when he agreed to turn her if she married him. Why are they still fighting over this?

We are still on this?

Oh it’s a problem because it turns out Bella doesn’t believe in marriage.

What??

So she doesn’t believe in marriage because her parents are divorced and half of marriages end in divorce; basically she’s not sure they will last forever. Yet even though she’s like “I don’t know if I want to be with you forever”, she also tells him she does want to spend forever with him and needs her to turn her into a vampire.

Like Edward, this girl is crazy! Run from her, run far from her! But he won’t. And you know why? Because this sums Edward up in one image.

So her dad doesn’t know what has been going on (with the vampire/werewolf things) but knows something isn’t quite right and like a good dad senses this relationship with Edward is not beneficial to his daughter. While he doesn’t want to push too hard, as she is 18 and an adult, he does start laying down some rules: such as a curfew and having Bella hang out with her friends and not just Edward. Good for him. I really like Charlie Swan, he’s probably my favorite character.

Bella decided to go visit Jacob on the reservation, as he won’t return her calls since he is still mad about her wanting to become a vampire. But Edward won’t allow this stops her car to stop her. This is horrible as this relationship is super toxic.

Edward acts really weird trying to get Bella to leave Forks but like why not tell her why? It’s plot lines like this that I can’t stand. Bella agrees to go but only if Edward goes with her. Bella visits her mom in Florida and her mom is horrible as she is every encouraging of this dangerous relationship. Edward’s behavior is really disconcerting. The way he stares and always watching isn’t romantic but gives me flashbacks to when I was in an abusive relationship.

Back in Forks, Victoria has arrived and that is why they sent Bella away. The vampires try to kill her but she runs into wolf territory and gets into a little skirmish. Jacob shows up warns the Cullens to stay off the Rez.

I really don’t like how Edward doesn’t want Bella to be around Jacob. It really bugs me how he tries to control who her friends are. He’s extremely controlling.

Bella goes to visit the pack anyway and talks to Jacob and learns more about the werewolves. Jacob describes imprinting and it is really weird. Like the way he describes it, does not stop how creepy it is that he does it later with a baby. Also it makes it even creepier that Sam imprinted on Emily when she was an adult while Jacob does it to a BABY!

I like that Jacob tries to convince Bella not to turn into a vampire. He brings up valid points that Bella needs to think about. She hasn’t even lived, how does she know she wants to spend the rest of her like with Edward? And will she be okay with never having children. And does she even care that her being turned will destroy a contract that the vampires and werewolves made and start a giant war between them. No she doesn’t think about those things and he doesn’t even care that these people she cares about could die because she’s selfish.

Yep Bella don’t care about anybody but herself, and keeps nagging Edward to turn her. But like Bella doesn’t care that Edward doesn’t want to steal her soul, he doesn’t want her to go to hell, he hates living forever, etc.

Jacob and Bella are hanging out and Jacob admits his feelings for Bella. He gets really upset when she says she feels nothing for him and I don’t blame him as she lead him on in the previous film. I mean she was all up on him, touching his abs a lot, etc.

Later that evening Rosalie tries to talk sense into Bella as she doesn’t understand what is going to be given up and what she’ll never have in the end.

Rosalie’s story is so sad. She was supposed to get married but was raped by her fiancé and his friends. After she was turned she gets her revenge on the men, and dressed as a bride too! Good for her. I SO wish she continued her revenge and became a vigilante that continuing killing abusive men. I would 100% read/watch that! Like turn that backstory into

Meanwhile in Seattle, Victoria is building a vampire army. Now the Volturi is supposed to be taking care of things like this but instead are like the UN not doing anything. They just want to let the world burn, what happened to law and order?

We switch from that plot to graduation and Anna Kendrick’s speech is really bad and there is no way they would let them her do that as they have to approve all the speeches.

Bella goes to the graduation party and Jacob shows up with his friends. Bella gets really mad and Jacob apologizes for his earlier poor choices. He brings her a cute wolf charm, and those are super expensive. When I went to Montana all the Native American crafts were SUPER pricey, especially if you can prove it have been made by Native Americans.

Alice gets a vision at the the party that vampires are coming and the werewolves have decided they will stop the army. Bella is mad and tries to get Edward to stop them, but Bella the vampires can’t tell wolves what to do, he’s not the boss of them.

Edward is all mad at her for wearing Jacob’s cute little wolf charm but I’m like settle down Edward those are cute. Again extremely controlling.

We then get the newborn mythology and Jasper training. What is with this training scene. Why didn’t they just do this at home, why do they need it to be done in front of the werewolves?

If I was in this story I wouldn’t be hanging out with the vampires, I’d be chilling with the wolves like Princess Mononoke.

Edward in these next few scenes really make me angry. So Victoria wants to kill Bella and to protect her Jacob carries Bella off to mask her stench. Edward is all angry and he just needs to chill.

Then Edward is a total jerk when he decides to give Bella a bracelet to not only replace Jacob’s and get him to stop wearing Jacob’s and try to show himself as better as his bracelet is more expensive.

But Bella is worse as she keeps pushing him to have sex with her, even though he has already made it clear he does not want to have sex until he is married. It is really abusive and inappropriate that she doesn’t respect his no. Like if she was a guy talking to a girl this to would make a lot of people mad, it’s like Unbreakable all over again.

That evening Bella is freezing to death in the tent and Jacob comes into to give her warmth and Edward gnat . I don’t know why he doesn’t become a wolf. Edward is all mad but hey, he’s trying to help and you can’t do it.

Jacob and Edward talk all night and I’m kind of done with it. All this scene makes me think is that none of these people are mature enough to be in a relationship or to be thinking about marriage and “forever”. Plus isn’t there a battle going on, what happened to that?

Jacob finds out that they are planning to marry and Edward does it on purpose even though Bella told him she was going to Jacob later. So rude as he should respect her wishes and let her tell him in her own time.

Then when Jacob wants to run off to join the fight she gets really mad and tells him to kiss her which is really horrible as she is not only leading him on but she’s engaged and cheating on her fiancé. Both these boys should not be involved with her she has no loyalty or respect.

And what kind of vampire film is this? Jasper just punches the heads off people. There is no staking of the hearts but just punching and ripping heads off like they are glass or something. It is really weird.

The vampires light up super fast as well, I feel like they should just get blowtorches and blow them all away.

The Volturi arrive and I’m not sure why they are even the villains as they don’t seem that scary. Like there are only four of them and Jane’s power doesn’t even work on Bella she could take them all out. They should also be afraid of Bella as a vampire as the powers don’t work on her.

But the biggest come away for me is that Edward you should not marry Bella. They were engaged two days ago and she cheated on you with a child. She’s not forever material. And it is even worse when you realize she did that in real life as well. Yep, life imitating art as Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson got engaged in real life and she cheated on him.

For more on Twilight, go to The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)

For more vampires, go to Bella Becomes Obsessed With Edward and Won’t Leave Him Alone Until He Dates Her: Twilight (2008)

For more werewolves, go to You’re Mother is a Shadowhunter…Like You: The Mortal Instruments, City of Bones (2013)

Something’s Out There and It’s Killing People! And If It’s Monsters, Nobody’s Going to Do a Thing About it Except Us!: The Monster Squad (1987)

Something’s out there and it’s killing people! And if it’s monsters, nobody’s going to do a thing about it except us!

I first saw this film on a Nostalgia Critic review and thought it sounded absolutely hilarious. When I saw that it was on Amazon, I had to watch it. Then I made my mom watch it with me, then my sister, and then my friends.

If you are a fan of the classic monster films: Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Mummy, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon, then you will love this! This film brings them all together in a wonderful way,

The film starts off in Europe with Van Helsing trying to seal the monsters into limbo for life, but failing. Instead the spell just makes the monsters pause their hauntings and sleep with all the villagers and Van Helsing being trapped in limbo instead.

Time goes by and we are in a small town in the USA. There we have two boys who are always getting into trouble as instead of paying attention in class they draw monsters. The two kids, (they have names but are never really used so I am going to call them Leader and Sidekick), are in charge of the monster club. The monster club also has their friend who is really young, Baby, and another friend who they call Fat Kid who’s name is actually Horace.

Then there is a new guy who wants to join the club, the Cool guy. He has a leather jacket, smokes cigarettes, has long dark hair. My friend pointed out that he actually looks a lot like Nick from Jimmy Neutron. He doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would be interested in a monster club, but he passes every test. The Leader does not want him to join, but the rest of the team do and he’s on the squad. Cool kid turns out to also be interested in spying on Sidekick’s sister, who lives next door to the clubhouse, and always changes in front of her open, blinds up window. They always do this in movies and it makes zero sense!

Meanwhile, the monsters have arrived. Dracula was having himself and Frankenstein’s monster flown over, but a pilot was too curious and when he realized what they were, he dumped the coffins. Dracula searches for his friend and while doing so wakes up the Mummy, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and the Wolf Man.

The Leader’s father is a police officer and he is having issues with his wife. She wants him to be home more, but he has to work. He starts investigating the “stolen” mummy and gets called away with someone claiming they are a werwolf. The Wolf man freaks out and is killed at the police station…or is he? Only silver can kill a werewolf, so he resurrects and transforms, taking off to join his monster club.

Sorry!

The leader’s mom bought a Van Helsing book in German a yard sale for his son. She leaves it for him; along with a note that a Dr. Acula wants to buy the book. The Leader has to write it out a few times like he thinks it is an anagram and I’m like it is SO OBVIOUS! What kind of Monster Squad leader are you?

It’s super obvious!

There is a man who lives down the way that speaks German and all the kids like to say he is a spy or monster. The squad go over to have him read the book and find out what it says and he tells them it is a spell to seal monsters away forever. All you need is a virgin to read out the words. Aw, so that must have been where they went wrong in the beginning.

They try to figure out what to do next and where to find a virgin, because even though the spell didn’t say it they assume it has to be a girl, when they are all virgins (maybe not Rudy he is a little older), when the Leader’s sister comes over and wants to join the club again. The boys are all no girls allowed, but then she shows that she has Frankenstein’s monster. They all sit in the treehouse trying to decide what to do next when Frankenstein’s monster acts just as pervy as the boys, looking at sidekick’s sister and takes a picture of her.

The squad finds out that the monsters are hiding out in an old abandoned house, down the street. It turns out that Dracula is there because he is looking for the amulet he needs to have the monsters walk the Earth forever. The squad tries to go in and manage to swipe the amulet, but now the real fight will begin as they have only so much time to complete the spell and seal the monsters away forever.

So the monster experts: the Leader and Sidekick do nothing to try and find a way to stop the monsters. Their only plan of attack is to just talk a lot. The real star of this was the cool guy who makes wooden stakes, melts silver for bullets, steals an archery set from the school to shoot down the vampire brides, etc. He’s really awesome as in the grand battle he takes monsters down left and right.

Horace is also really cool as he has been bullied and hurt, but when push comes to shove he takes out the Creature. It is such a great scene as his previous bullies tell him great job fat kid, and he tells them not to call him that.

E.J.: Hey Fat Kid! Good job.

Horace: My name’s not fat kid. [cocks shotgun] It’s Horace!

After an epic battle, the kids save the day. This is a really fun and great movie that I highly recommend. You should definitely give it a watch.

For more monster filled films or tv shows, go to Munster Masquerade: The Munsters (1966)

For more Dracula, go to The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Meet Dracula, Part I: The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries (1977)

For more on Frankenstein’s monster, go to We’ve Seen Dracula, the Wolf Man, and Frankenstein’s Monster: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

For more on the mummy, go to Welcome to a New World of Gods and Monsters: The Mummy (2017)

For more on The Wolf Man, go to Beast or Man: The Wolfman (2010)

For more on The Creature from the Black Lagoon, go to There Are Many Strange Legends in the Amazon: The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

For more ‘80s films, go to I Just Killed My Best Friend. And Your Worst Enemy. Same Difference.: Heathers (1988)