Dracula in Discotheques: Love at First Bite (1979)

I have never seen this before but I needed a 1970s film and thought it sounded interesting. It’s supposed to be horror comedy version of Dracula, takes Dracula from Victorian themed and sets him in the modern world, and was for many years the the highest-grossing independent film of all time.

This film was inspired by the hit Young Frankenstein spoof by Mel Brooks and aspired to be as good. Let’s see if is worth the hype.

We start off with a rock song and a coffin slowly opening. I really like this music, pretty sweet.

From Bones

We are in a castle, candles lit and a piano plays while dogs (or werewolves?) howl in the background. Our Dracula (George Hamilton) is playing and drinking alone. He calls to Reinfeild his servant who brings him nude-y magazines. But that’s not what Dracula wants as he tosses them in their trash. He only wants fashion magazines.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

On the cover of one of the magazines is a model who is his “true love”, the reincarnation of his one true love he bit back in Warsaw in the 1800s, and in England in the 1930s, etc Looking at the magazine articles that Dracula reads off the cover of the magazine, these are jokes that would no longer hit. That’s something you only to be found in a 70s film.

Dracula’s castle has been taken by eminent domain of the Romanian government and they are going to use it as a training facility. They only have 48 hours to clear out and he can move to government housing or leave the country. He forgoes the apartment (if I was a Count I would too in Soviet Union Romania.)

Dracula calmly leaves, and I’m surprised he didn’t go Vlad the Impaler on them, but I guess it wouldn’t be comedic. When the crowd does try to swarm on them he releases some strange breath and they all move away. One old lady tried to get a shot in by hitting him with a bat but of course it does no damage. Dracula leaves with a parting shot, but the joke falls flat.

The two fly to America with Dracula in his coffin trying to get up to date on American slang and but the book he’s reading is from 1932.

At customs, Reinfeld brings Dracula and goes on about this sob story about his father dying in Africa on safari and being in pieces. It’s so good, the agent starts crying. But it turns out that he accidentally swapped coffins with another family.

Hey Sherman Hemsley is in this movie. He’s the minister at the funeral of the family that they accidentally swapped coffins with. In the middle of the service Dracula wakes up and opens the coffin with everyone taking off frightened.

Now Dracula is lost and alone on the streets of New York looking for the Plaza Hotel or a taxi. He runs into some African American people and doesn’t understand exactly what they are saying to him, but when they try to fight he takes them out and even bends a metal switchblade with his mind, and uses telekinesis to throw one right through the window.

Eventually Dracula finds his way to the plaza. And gets Reinfeld on the job to return the other body, get Dracula’s coffin, and find the model from the magazine, Cindy Sometime.

I do! Ands that’s all I’ve found funny so far in this film.

Reinfeld is dressed in horrible suit (that’s supposed to have him blend in) and heads to the model agency to try and arrange a date with Cindy. When the agency won’t tell him anything, Reinfeld threatens her with his lunch, a King a cobra.

With the address in hand and the sun having gone down, Dracula heads to the photo shoot to meet his Cindy…but first a man has gotta eat.

Dracula turns into a bat and roams the city. First he tried to feed on a woman who is in the middle of making love, but is scared off by the guy who thinks the bat is his first wife. The second family is hungry and try to capture and eat him. The third is a drunk homeless man who gives the bat alcohol. I think these scenes are supposed to be funny but they all fall flat. While I’m not really into the film I do think the makeup of Dracula is good. They actually had the same make-up artist as Dracula (1931), William Tuttle.

So Dracula is sad as he is lonely, can’t eat real food, and unable to be a part of any holiday. Imagine if Stephanie Meyer saw this, in this version being a vampire absolutely sucks. Reinfeld tried to cheer Dracula up and gives him the address of where Cindy would be, a discotheque.

Dracula sees Cindy and tries to talk to her, but she thinks he is a waiter and ignores him. Dracula uses his vampire magic to end Cindy’s phone call and tries to make his move, but she’s not really into it.

The two dance and I really like this scene. Cindy enjoys the dance so much that she invited Dracula home to her apartment which is a mess. The two make are together with Dracula biting her neck.

Later, Cindy is talking to her therapist and boyfriend Jeff Rosenberg.

Yeah Cindy is dating someone and she picked up another guy. When she tries to explain it to her boyfriend/therapist…

I know, I can’t believe she is dating her therapist, he should totally lose his license. Anyways Cindy sounds super crazy trying to explain her cheating. Like seriously Jeff, you shouldn’t be dating her, but I’m sure you’ve guessed how he rolls.

Jeff thinks that Cindy might be making it up but Cindy shows him the hickey and Jerry recognizes the teeth. Turns out his grandfather was Fritz Van Helsing-the Van Helsing. Jeff warns her that she shouldn’t dare Dracula again as if she gets bit two more times she will become a vampire as well. Cindy walks out as she thinks he’s crazy! I’m sorry, Jeff is crazy? You’re the one who said your low blood sugar made you cheat. That the FBI is adding things to your feminine hygiene products that make you cheat. You’re crazy!

That night tbe Count crashes Cindy and Jeff’s date. Jeff gives Cindy a garlic necklace but she tosses it. Jeff reveals his true identity, and Cindy is trying to figure out what is going on. Jeff tried to use a Jewish Star of David on Dracula but it has no effect. The two men try and hyponitize each other, but that also doesn’t work. Cindy gets mad and leaves, Dracula later following her and going through her balcony.

I fell asleep twice during this movie. It was really boring and I’m not sure why it was such a big hit and helped make George Hamilton a star. After the second time I was done and ended up just looking up the ending online.

So how it ends is Dr. Jeff tried to kill Dracula but is thwarted, and Cindy and Dracula run off to Jamaica. I was very disappointed as I was hoping Dracula in modern times would be more funny, like in Hotel Transylvania when they run into the humans at the end. Definitely give it a miss.

So annoying

For more on Dracula, go to Something’s Out There and It’s Killing People! And If It’s Monsters, Nobody’s Going to Do a Thing About it Except Us!: The Monster Squad (1987)

For more vampires, go to Creepy Baby, Vampire Worldwide Tour, and Psych Ending. At Least it Has Lee Pace: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, Part II (2012)

For more horror-comedies, go to All Right, We Got No Choice. Call the Ghostbusters.: Ghostbusters 2 (1989)

Multi-Level Marketing Can Be Murder: Concealer (2019)

Back in 2019, Amazon did a special short film contest for “U.S. filmmakers from underrepresented backgrounds to compete for a grand prize”. I don’t remember who won, but I do recall watching them all and only liking one in particular: Concealer.

I’ve wanted to review it for a while, but it is no longer available on Amazon. After some googling I did discover that it was uploaded on YouTube.

Kristine Gerolaga wrote, starred, directed and edited the short in only two weeks. Amazing!

Ivy (Kristine Gerolaga) and Bless (Stacie Gancayco-Adlao) go way back. Even though they haven’t spoken in a while, when Bless reaches out, Ivy is eager to met up and go to her house, especially as Bless promises to treat her to a spa day.

When Ivy knocks on Bless’ door we are met with an odd sight, the window in the door to view who is on the doorstep is taped over in newspaper and when Bless answers, while she seems happy to see Ivy she clearly doesn’t look quite right. Her makeup seems off and is too much, very pale and plastic

Ivy brings Bless a gift, a picture of the two and Bless looks much better in the picture then in person, as she is more natural and happy instead of a this fake almost vampiric look-pale skin, dark lips; like she could be a bride of Dracula.

Ivy is amazed at how beautiful and different Bless’ house is, something you’d see on Instagram or Pinterest, as it, and Bless look perfect, like and Instagram post. But even though Bless seems friendly there is an oddness to all her movements.

Ivy is a little weirded out, especially by a creepy knocking sound from upstairs, but tries to shrug it off and asks for a tour of the house.

Upstairs is devoid of the “makeup”, as it is dark, discolored, and messy. In one room sits a man (Bless’ husband), who looks like a zombie as he goes over the bills and debt they have.

Everywhere there are boxes and bags for “Cherry Cheeks” a Mary Kay type makeup brand.

When they arrive back downstairs a full Cherry Cheeks sampler is set out, as if provided by ghosts or other ghoulish guests.

Bless then proceeds to give a talk on her company, another MLM mummy.

Ivy is not a fan and not interested, especially as almost all the items are expired. But as Ivy tries to leave she finds she can’t, as she is starting to lose consciousness, perhaps it’s the wine?

From Supernatural

Bless becomes more freakish as she looks even more like a vampire feeding on Ivy’s prior dislikes about her body and trying to manipulate Ivy’s vulnerability in order to persuade her to purchase items. As the drugs take effect Bless’ voice becomes lower, deeper, and creepier

Betrayed by someone you considered a friend, is there a worse betrayal?

When Ivy awakens she sees that her face has been made over by Cherry Cheeks while Bless has a full breakdown trying to convince Ivy to purchase some of the product, looking as if she has a spit personality or the makeup has fried her brain.

Ivy is furious at the trick Bless played in getting her to come over and being drugged. Bless tried to calm her down and at what seems to at first be further manipulation is the vulnerability. Bless has been trying to work so hard at her MLM that it caused her to go into so much debt she is going to lose their home, their savings, their car, everything. But the vulnerability only lasts for a while as her sale’s persona “possesses” her once again.

This transition between the two dichotomies is shown perfectly with the mirror and opposing camera angles as she swaps between saleswoman and childhood friend.

After Ivy overpowers Bless, she tries to leave again, almost being stopped by the tons of boxes of Cherry Cheeks on the door. Injured and moving slow, Bless’ husband helps her up and tries to take her with him, but when he forget to unlock the passenger door to his cars (and Ivy’s keys being in the house) Ivy soon finds herself alone…and unfortunately worried about Bless.

So worried Ivy goes back and tries to destroy the makeup that has a hold on Bless. When that doesn’t work, Ivy tries to remove it from Bless’ face hoping that might be enough to shock her out of it. But Bkess is too far gone and attacks Ivy, wounding her.

But it’s too late, we see that the makeup that was supposed to give Bless a better life has not only not made her insane but disfigured her face. She’s on the level of the Queen of Outer Space.

In the end the women’s friendheip overcomes this terrible creature and they destroy everything, but unfortunately both are left with the scars of the thing they tangled with.

Or is it?

I really enjoyed the way this film takes the predatory nature of MLM and made it the monster that “possesses” and injures the characters. I read some comments that felt it wasn’t subtle enough or that it was too over the top; but I disagree. I feel like it captured the feelings one has when a MLM preys or tries to prey on them, in an exaggerated setting. Which is what well done horror films do, they take an idea, thought, or event and exaggerate the fear of it. Again I really enjoyed it and staunchly recommend it.

For more short film reviews, go to No Mere Mortal Can Resist the Evil of the Thriller: Thriller (1983)

The Return of the List: Catherine Morland’s Viewing List, Part II

I year ago it was Friday the 13th and all I could think about was watching scary movies. While I did I started thinking what movies would Catherine Morland and Henry Tilney like if they were real and lived today? I decided to put together a list of 30 film recommendations that our girl Catherine Morland or boy Henry Tilney would most certainly love!

This is a continuation from the original, Catherine Morland’s Viewing List and will be another great 30 Gothic films or films with Gothic components. For those who are wondering what classifies something as a Gothic, here is the definition.

Gothic fiction, which is largely known by the subgenre of Gothic horror, is a genre or mode of literature and film that combines fiction and horror, death, and at times romance.

Any films I have already reviewed that fit for this list I will just list and link here, while any future film I review I will add a little note as to why it belongs on this list. I have 10 years worth of horror film reviews from my annual October Horrorfest, but I’m not sure how many of those will be on here. For now I’m going to put on the ones I have recently re-edited, and then will be adding more as time goes by. If you are looking for recommendations, be sure to check back later, and if you have a suggestion be sure to comment below!


I Bid You Welcome: Dracula (1931)

Mysterious Things Have Happened. A Murder in the Village…They Probably Think You, Like Your Father, Have Created Another Monster…: Son of Frankenstein (1939)

Even a Man Pure of Heart: The Wolf Man (1941)

Because I Am Mad, I Hate You. Because I Am Mad, I Have Betrayed You: Gaslight (1944)

If Only It Was the Picture Who was to Grow Old, and I Remain Young: The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945)

The Place of Torment: The Pit and the Pendulum (1961)

I’m a Ghost With the Most: Beetlejuice (1988)

What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie?: Scream (1996)

That Video…is Not of This World: Ringu (1998)


The Book of the Dead? Are You Sure You Want to Be Playing Around With This Thing? It’s Just a Book. No Harm Ever Came From… Reading a Book.: The Mummy (1999)

Will Someone Come to Rescue Us?: Train to Busan (2016)

Multi-Level Marketing Can Be Murder: Concealer (2019)

Flower of Evil (2020)

For more movie lists, go to Non-Austen Films for Austen Fans

Creepy Baby, Vampire Worldwide Tour, and Psych Ending. At Least it Has Lee Pace: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, Part II (2012)

Twilight on a Thursday instead of a Saturday?

Weeeeeell, as what usually happens, I have fallen behind. I had something else scheduled for today but the review is not easy, so I decided to move this review up a day.

Yes I was never planning on reviewing the last Twilight on a Saturday as Saturday the 30th holds a very special anniversary! (Any guesses what it could be?) So Twilight was always going to be moved up a day, it’s just going to be an even extra day. I don’t feel bad about breaking the symmetry as this film was not very good and psyched everyone out. To be honest I think everyone who spent money on a ticket watching this should get their money back as it was really a waste.

At least on the positive side, even though this is a terrible movie it means I will finally be done with Twilight.

No more Twilight ever!

So as I said in my previous reviews of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga” before this year. I remember when the books and films came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

This really happened at my school, but not with a shovel.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays (although today ended up being a #twihardthursday ) for Horrorfest X.

After watching these I do not understand how this captured the interest of so many. I mean I was there when it happened and witnessed it, but I’m still in shock as to why, why do so many people like them? Like of all the books in the world why was this terribly written one the one that “made it”?

I find them all to be really boring and to not make any sense at all, but at least I am now finally at the end.

So Edward and Bella are horrible parents, which doesn’t surprise me as they can’t even take care of themselves or make good decisions. Like where is the baby in all this “I’m a vampire nonsense that we already witnessed in the first film. Like they don’t even care who is watching her.

I also hate the name Reneesme, it is an extremely dumb choice and they should have listened to Rosalie (except no one does).

Jacob comes to see Bella and they are so mean calling him stinky. They are so mean to the werewolves. It is really uncomfortable how the Natice Americans are the werewolves and are told they stink and aren’t good enough. Hmmm, it makes me wonder about Stephanie Meyer.

Hmmm…

The show the baby and it is SUPER creepy. The baby is ABSOLUTELY terrifying, it looks like a robot. And then have a weird scene where the baby remembers trying to kill her mother. She was trying to end this series I guess, and failed. If only she actually could have.

Issues arise as Jacob is very protective of the baby and imprints on it. And I don’t care how they try to explain it, him imprinting on the baby and falling in love with her is weird.

But his creepy pedophilia “saves” the baby, (you know Stephanie Meyer is weird and this film has me really wondering about her) as because a werewolf imprinted the baby cannot be killed by then but must be protected. But Edward chooses to say nothing and let Bella beat Jacob up. I can’t blame him though, I’d probably do the same thing.

Bella is all mad about the Nessie nickname but I’m like you gave her the dumb name in the first place.

Why is Edward the only married vampire? How come Emmett and Jasper don’t marry their ladies?

So with Bella being a vampire, they made up a story that she became really ill and is in Switzerland getting treatment. The plan is for her to “die”, the Cullens to move, and for them to return after all who knew them has died. I’m like does she even care about her dad Charlie? He’s probably trying to get tickets to Switzerland to see her.

Jacob is all mad that the Cullens are planning to lead. He doesn’t want them to take the baby. He decides to show his wolf self to Charlie in an attempt to get the Cullens stay.

I feel bad for Charlie. I wish he would get remarried and have a good wife and a grateful daughter.

The budget is not very good in this, I don’t know where the money went (probably to that creepy baby). The makeup is horrible and the CGI is really bad.

So they have Bella meet up with her das and introduce the baby, who still looks like demon spawn, and to be honest not much happens. This movie is one of the most boring-est things I have ever seen. They did not need to make this into two films at all; this should have been one.

The baby grows really fast and continues to look extremely creepy. creepy CGI face .

One day Irina sees Bella, Jacob, and Reneesme out together and gets really angry about, deciding to tell the Volturi who aren’t even that scary.

Irina thinks Renesme is an immortal child. What kind of what is that? You know what I don’t really care.

You know, how come the vampire ladies can’t sleep with a human man and have a baby, why is it the vampire men are the only ones with the magic semen/venom? That seemed really unfair to me.

So this plot is weird. I mean the Volturi aren’t that scary, Bella could take them all out as one none of their powers work on her and she’s super strong as she’s a baby vamp (you know the whole plot to the previous film). But they are scared and decide they need to take their baby to all these vampires to prove she is only a half vamp.

So this becomes Passport Around the World Vampire Edition.

This movie is really, really, really boring. And again should have been one film not two parts.

But then something happens to make this film a little more bearable: Lee Pace. I’m like Lee Pace you deserve so much better than this film but thank you for making my viewing a bit more enjoyable.

Even though Lee Pace is in this, there isn’t enough of him. It reminds me of The Mortal Instruments when they had Aidan Turner and just wasted him. He was hardly in the film and I was like they should have made the film ALL him. That’s how I feel about this film and Lee Pace, they should have had him in it more. Such a handsome man, I have this still from Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.

I’m totally checked out this film. Is so boring I’m done.

Where’s Buffy when you need her?

From Buffy the Vampire Slayer

What is this Volturi Michael Sheen wearing? Is he going to the circus? What’s with all the gold braid. What is Michael Sheen doing? What is that noise? Is he having a stroke.

So we have a fight but like where is the epic music for the fight? Like they should have had intense music.

It’s a really lame fight though as one man can control the elements and he does nothing. Why doesn’t he set them all on fire?

The battle scene is lame and the vampires are like super easy to kill. They are like ceramic vampire Barbie dolls. You can just pull their heads off to kill them.

It turns out to be all a vision from Alice and they don’t fight. Everyone just goes home.

That’s it. That’s how they decide to end this.

This film was a literal waste. Like I can’t believe they made this. It had no plot, it was boring, and to be honest-dumb.

So that’s it! We are done everybody!

It’s over, I’m free!!

For more on Twilight, go to Vampire Wedding, Vampire Baby, and Bella Finally Gets What She Always Wanted: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part I (2011)

For more vampires, go to You’re Kids. I’m a Vampire!: Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire (2000)

For more werewolves, go to The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)

Vampire Wedding, Vampire Baby, and Bella Finally Gets What She Always Wanted: Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part I (2011)

So you all, I’m really excited! There are only two Twilight films left and then I’m all done with the series!

So as I said in my review of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga” before this year. I remember when the books and films came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

This really happened at my school, but not with a shovel.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays for Horrorfest X. This is my first time watching them and I do not understand why people like this films. I just do not get it at all. 

I find them all to be really boring and to not make any sense at all. I would actually like to not finish this series, but you know me. When I start something I have to complete it. So here we go with film four (that really should be the last one but they decided to spilt in half for no reason.)

So Bella and Edward are going to get married but I’m really think that is a terrible decision as they do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I’m not the only one who is questioning this as Jacob is angry and throws his invitation in the rain puddle and her dad is sad. Probably thinking he should have fought harder for custody and then maybe his child wouldn’t have grown up to have so many vampire undead issues.

Bella looks sadly at the dream catcher, but you broke Jacobs heart so don’t be acting that way.

Bella is mad that Edward tells her it isn’t too late to change her mind. Yeah, he giving you a way out because he doesn’t want to turn you into a vampire and he’s probably thinking about how you cheated on him when you kissed Jacob in the last film.

Edward decided to tell Bella the rest of his life story. Edward rebelled against Carlisle and went off killing and drinking blood. In one scene he is watching the premiere of The Bride of Frankenstein, now I love that film but it feels a little on the nose to include it in this movie. They make Edward not really bad as he murdered a lot of people but they were all “monsters”. Yeah, he can read their minds but he didn’t know whether or not they would actually act in it.

Hmm…

Bella has a dream about the wedding and sees the Volturi and all the roses turn to blood. Blood is everywhere, on her dress, and everyone is dead-I know this is just supposed to be symbolic but she should really be thinking about this as a possibility that as it could actually happen. I mean she turning is breaking the covenant with the werewolves. Like does she even care people will die for her selfishness?

Now I really like Charlie Swan, he’s my favorite character. He sees the graduation cap mural and thinks it is really, really weird. I also like that he is 100% against this wedding, but even though he feels this way he still gives her a hair comb, a beautiful one. Such a sweet dad.

I wish Charlie had raised Bella as she would have been a better person and not so crazy or dreaming to be a vampire.

Jessica thinks Bella is pregnant and Bella is surprised people would think that. I’m like, yeah, I think most would assume that as she is 18 years old and previously kept talking about how she thinks marriage is dumb.

You know all the vampires have yellow eyes and look super jaundiced, yet no one is questioning why Carlisle the doctor, hasn’t taken care of this?

I noticed too that they got rid of the blue overlay and the whole set is much warmer. They also warmed up all the people too, the vampires don’t look like walking dead anymore.

So after the wedding, Charlie gives a speech and I love it, he is definitely the best character. I also love how he gives the mom a weird look when she is singing, he’s like why did I ever marry her I must have been super drunk.

I should not have ever married her.

Jacob missed the wedding, but stopped by the reception instead. They talks and Bella is really inappropriate talking about the “night”. Jacob warns Bella she should not sleep with Edward as a human as she could die. But Bella doesn’t care, she wants vampire love and if she almost dies, even better as he’ll be forced to turn her.

As Bella and Edward drive away, they hear the wolf cry and we all know it is Jacob.

From The Wolf Man (1941)

Carlisle gives Edward an island, Esme Island. Can Carlisle adopt me?

Please pick me.

So we have gone through a third of this film already and it has just been a wedding. It’s pretty boring.

Their honeymoon scenes are super awkward. Edward and Bella were together the first night and his vampire loving left a lot of bruises on her body. Since then, he hasn’t wanted to be do anything so then we just get a ton of scenes of Bella trying to seduce him.

Bella is weird and all I can think is why do you want to spend the rest of your vampire life with her? I’d be like stake me now.

Bella basically cries until Edward give in, and again-all this is weird to watch.

Weird…

They then abruptly switch to the werewolves. Jacob is planning to kill the vampires, but Sam says no. And Sam is the alpha make. Jacob need to stop being Moody McBroody. It’s really annoying

Bella throws up and realizes she’s pregnant. She thought it was impossible as he’s a vampire and they don’t have kids. My first call would be to call Carlisle.

Jacob goes to see Charlie and hears that Bella is sick. Jacob thinks she might have been turned and they are lying and he goes to see Bella at the Cullens. Jacob tells her she looks terrible and she does, she looks like she hasn’t slept in days and is so faint and super pregnant.

Should not have slept with Edward.

Bella is way too calm to have become giant pregnant lady in two weeks. Like I don’t know anyone who would be this calm. I’ve had dreams like this and freaked out more than her and it is actually happening to her body.

If I was Bella I’d be afraid I was caring the devil’s child like in Rosemary’s Baby. That’s who Rosalie should kill, Rosemary’s horrible husband. I’m going to make a fictional hit list for Rosalie to hunt down and take out.

Your on my list!

I can’t believe this is even a plot point as there is no way that Edward could have even made a baby.

The werewolves have a wolf pack meeting like in The Jungle Book. And they want to kill Bella and the baby. Jacob fights with Sam but Sam enforces his alpha male status and Jacob runs off to create his own pack of one. But it quickly becomes two as Seth comes to help Jacob as he left Sam’s pack and Seth is so cute. Leah also comes as she can’t stand being with her ex, Sam

Jacob warns the Cullens and all I could think is man Bella you’re messing everyone up. Like they warned her and she didn’t care sand she still doesn’t care that everyone could be killed because of her desire to be a vampire.

This movie is really boring and there isn’t any actions. Edward is yahooing (really Edward?) to find out about vampire babies. He’s been alive 100 years and this is the first time he has ever heard of vampire babies? I’m telling you Edward has magic semen, oops I mean venom.

Bella looks like the crypt keeper. And the baby is apparently killing her. Crushing her from the inside out.

Bella is super faint and old looking and hair is turning white. For someone who was freaking out two movies ago about growing old she is really calm for one who is growing super old.

Why is Edward the husband not rubbing her back when she’s throwing up? He does nothing and Jacob does all the hard work.

The baby is eating Bella I guess, so they need to give her blood and instead of a transfusion she has to drink it out of a straw, which is impossible.

What else is weird is if she was consuming large amounts of blood she would develop lesions in her brain, they should give her a blood transfusion.

This movie is super boring and makes zero sense. I would have been mad if I sat outside in line for hours and wasted my time or money on this.

It astounds me that if all the books that are written and published this is the one that made it and sold millions and was turned into a film? This one? I feel bad for all the authors out here who are such great writers and write wonderful stories and are stuck in obscurity while this and After and The Bad Boys Girl and Fifty Shades of Grey are the ones making money.

Rosalie is the Cassandra of this series, no one listen later to her and they should. She was right about how they shouldn’t turn Bella into a vampire, she’s right about the danger, and she’s right about the name Renesme being dumb.

Bella’s back breaks from the infant and of course the doctor is gone as he went to get Bella food. Rosalie tries to cut the umbilical cord but then tries to eat her, Edward like rips her open with his mouth and hands and this scene is gross and weird. This whole film is.

Bella is dying and Edward tries to bring her back and I’m like let her die.

Edward gives her venom and she turns into a vampire. Jacob becomes a pedophile in this film and falls in love with the baby.

So the werewolves don’t kill the baby because he imprinted her and she is now protected by the pack. He saved the baby but he’s still a pedophile. Edward should pinch him I’m mad that he did that.

So this film was horrible. Like all this could have been summed up in like 30 mins and this easily could have been just one film. It really was not necessary and it honestly feels like a cash grab. I’m glad I’m almost done with this series and only have one film left.

For more on Twilight, go to Edward and Jacob Fight Over Who Should Be With Bella, And We Get Jasper’s Back Story: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse (2010)

For more vampires, go to You’re Kids. I’m a Vampire!: Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire (2000)

For more werewolves, go to The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)