I Don’t Want to Be a Vampire. I’m a Day Person: Once Bitten (1985)

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.

My friend found this film months ago on Youtube and thought it was just hilarious. She knew I loved ’80s films and horror and sent the link to me. Unfortunately, the video had been taken down.

However, the other day a friend of hers found a copy of it, so we were able to watch it. Now this film is a horror-comedy, Com-Ror, but at the same time being a parody of those teen films from the ’50s, like I Was a Teenage Werewolf, etc.

Originally the  screen writer wanted Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but the director, Samuel Goldwyn Jr. thought he wouldn’t be able to carry a theatrical film of this scale.

By the time this film came out, Fox had already starred in Teen Wolf and Back to the Future, both making far more money then this film and cementing Fox’s stardom.

But we aren’t here to talk about those films, we are going to talk about this one.

The Countess (Lauren Hutton) is nearing her 400th birthday. In her mansion resides: one from early 18th century England, a french sailor, a confederate from the Civil War, her butler and chauffeur from the 1880s,  a WWI pilot, a 1960s flower child, and a set of twins. Every so many years she needs virgin blood to keep her young and beautiful. Three times and the one she has bitten will become a vampire too. That time has come again, but she and her minions are having trouble finding a virgin in 1985 Hollywood.

Countess: How many days left till Halloween, Sebastian?

Sebastian: Oh, a little more than a week, Countess. I told you not to worry.

Countess: Not to worry? How amusing. But then you’re not the one who needs to have the virgin blood of a young man not once, but three times before All Hallows Eve. Not to worry? Being a vampire in the 20th century is a nightmare!

She ponders on what to do, but Sebastian reassures her, they will find a virgin.

So we are introduce to 18-year-old Mark Kendell (Jim Carrey) and his girlfriend Robin, who live near Hollywood, CA. Mark really wants to have sex, but Robin isn’t ready to do it yet. She wants to wait. Mark is feeling extremely frustrated as he feels as if he is only one who is a virgin.

I mean come on dude, your best buds haven’t had sex yet and neither has your girlfriend. That’s four right there and there are probably a lot more.

Anyways, so Mark goes to see his friends at the burger joint they work, and these two dudes are quite the crew. One believes he is God’s gift to women and continuously uses the stupidest line to try and pick up women, thinking it will work.

Russ: Hi. I’m Russ, and I’m a Sagittarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoy. Listen: I’m a mature person and you’re a mature person, so why don’t we just skip all the bullshit, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO?

The other, Jamie, is Eeyore in human form; always pessimistic and believing the sky is falling.

So he goes to his friends and complains about the relationship, Russ telling him that Robin is never going to do it and he should just move on.

What a jerk

Russ then suggests they go find some women to loose their virginity to. They decide to head out to Hollywood and see if they can find some. When I think of Jim Carrey in Hollywood, one film comes to mind…

But I digress, so the group heads to a club called Phone a Date. You pick a table, phone one of the other tables by the numbers assigned to them, and ask to come on over. It actually is kind of a cute idea.

As long as the person on the other end isn’t a serial killer or creep.

So boys try it out: with Russ first getting a transvestite, then getting rejected, and finally someone calling Mark over. By this time the boys are extremely hammered, having consumed 4 beers each. When Mark walks over, the woman is the Countess.

She gives him champagne and starts coming on to him, but Mark isn’t really interested in going home with her. He pretty much is out of it, actually. Meanwhile, his friends have two older ladies who are interested in them. They start talking and having fun, when one of the ladies’ husband comes, yells at the boys, and then starts shooting the club up.

Mark freaks out, and the Countess convinces him to come with her, taking him up to her mansion. Meanwhile, the guy is arrested and the friends are taken off too.

Back at the house, the Countess gives Mark even more champagne. She goes upstairs to get ready, and comes back prepared to feast!

After he is bitten, Mark passes out. The next day he is awakened by Sebastian and the Countess. Mark leaves and promises that he will call and the two can meet up again sometime, but has no real plans to see her anymore. He has a girlfriend, and he is happy to finally lost his virginity.

But he feels really weird. He starts eating raw meat, even though he’s only loved well-done food. He also can’t remember a thing that’s happened.

His friends ask him what happened and he tells them in the crowded quad, right where his girlfriend is.

She of course become angry with him for cheating on her and breaks up with him.

Robin Pierce: Oh Mark, I can’t believe you’re going to throw away our relationship on a one-night stand with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons! But you did. You really did! [takes ring off her finger] You can have your d*** ring back!

Mark Kendall: What am I supposed to do with it?

Robin Pierce: Use your imagination!

 Mark’s weird behavior continues as he wants to sleep in trunks, looks pale, wears sunglasses all the time, and just acts vampireish.

He starts having these strange dreams where the Countess is in, but he doesn’t want her. He doesn’t call her like he said he would but tries to get back with Robin.

Robin accepts his apology and everything is all right again.

That night Mark and his friends head downtown. Russ and Jamie try again to pick up on women, but it doesn’t turn out well. Russ hits on a dominatrix and Jamie…well I don’t know what he said but it sure wasn’t good.

Mark goes to Robin’s work and picks out some clothes to try on, black of course.

Black is best

While he is in the dressing room, who should appear but the Countess. Mark tries to get rid of her as he isn’t interested, but she won’t take no for an answer. She bites him again. This film actually reminds me of Fatal Attraction, as the morals of both stories: Don’t cheat in a relationship and don’t try to have a one night stand.

So Mark passes out and Robin takes him home. The next day he is acting even stranger. He looks more like a Vampire, can barely tolerate light, wears only black, drinks blood, etc. Then when he tries to sell some ice-cream, he…

Mark becomes extremely worried, and goes to the nearby Catholic Church to ask for help. Unfortunately, a drunkard steps into the confessional and tell him he’s screwed.

Mark is continuously haunted by the Countess and starts to really become frightened with the idea that he might become a vampire.

I really liked the dream sequence as it was reminiscent of Dracula (1931).

Soon it will be Halloween but as it falls on a weekend, they are having a pre-Halloween party.

Mark and Robin were supposed to go as Jack and Jill, but Mark couldn’t get the costume so he dressed like he normally does. But everyone thinks he is a vampire.

While Robin and Mark are dancing, the Countess comes in and tries to control Mark into going with her. But Robin doesn’t like people messing with her man.

And this resorts in one of the best scenes, a dance-off.

Afterwards, Mark has a bit of a freakout and takes off, Robin chasing after him. She tries to calm him down. His reflection disappears and Mark tells Robin everything. Robin is weirded out, but when she doesn’t see his reflections, she starts to believe it. So she heads out to do some research.

She finds out that in order to know if he has been bitten by a female vampire, all you need to do is check the inner thigh for a bite mark. So of course she asks Mark and finds out that yes, he has been bit.

Majorly

Instead she asks his friends to find out for her, to look at him. They don’t want to but she guilt trips them into doing it, telling them that if they are really his friends they would look.

Why not ask?

So they ask Mark.

Majorly

Instead they try to look at him in the shower, resulting…well I guess I didn’t have to say it, you know it won’t turn out well.

Mark Kendall: What was that scene in the shower all about?

Russ: That’s the thanks I get for trying to help out a friend?

Mark Kendall: Oh you’re a big help, thanks a lot. Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe you could’ve asked me?

Jamie: Oh my God!

The way Jamie says that reminds me of Arnold in Troll 2.

So they see Robin in the parking lot when she is abducted by the Countess and her gang. You see tonight is Halloween and the Countess needs the third bite or she will revert to showing her true age. Mark is worried about something happening to Robin so he heads over there, aided by Jamie and Russ.

When they get there they find Robin tied up and let her out, but the whole thing…

The vampires capture them and take them upstairs, where they get ready to get the last bite and turn Mark into a vampire. Mark doesn’t want to:

The Countess starts trying to control him, but Robin isn’t going to lose her man. She jumps in the middle with a cross, the friends grabbing fire, and they free him.

[Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him]
Count Dracula: More wolfbane?
Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count.
Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]

Then the chase is on!

In the end there is only one thing left to do to save Mark.

All, besides the vampires, are happy. Mark scored, Jamie scored, Russ scored, Robin scored.

I really enjoyed this film and I thought it was pretty hilarious, although having Hocus Pocus level anti-virginity theme. But a  lot of fun to watch and sure to be a fun film to watch this season.

To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous, go to I Came Upon a Shattered Glass Jar and Four Baby Turtles Crawling into a Strange Glowing Ooze: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

For more ’80s films, go to No Mere Mortal Can Resist the Evil of the Thriller: Thriller (1983)

For more Jim Carrey, go to I Can Be Your Best Friend Or Your Worst Enemy: The Cable Guy (1996)

For more vampires, go to Every Time I Bring a Girl Over, You Try to Eat Her!: Vampires Suck (2010)

For more teen horror films, go to I’m the Chosen One. And I Choose to be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

For more Horror-Comedies, go to A Modern Mummy: Under Wraps (1997)

For more Horror Parodies, go to Monster Movie: Supernatural (2008)

It’s Mrs. Archer. She’s on a Rampage!: Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958)

“It’s Mrs. Archer. She’s on a rampage. We’ve got to warn the town.”

Before Fatal Attraction came out in the ’80s, this was the film that taught you cheating on your wife was a bad idea. A really bad idea. Now this B horror film, really is a B film in my opinion. It’s worth a watch at least once in your lifetime, not something I’d want see again and again. In fact the 50 foot woman, Nancy Archer, doesn’t have much to say or any real character development besides revenge on her husband, but that is one of the reasons why you like it. Like I said, a good watch but probably not one that is marathon worthy.

So the film starts of with rich, socialite, Nancy Fowler Archer. Nancy is depressed and distraught. Her husband Harry is a no good, cheating, loser. But she loves him, so she took him back.

She gets wasted and becomes depressed, deciding to search for Harry. As she is driving through the desert she overhears a radio broadcast about aliens. Just then a huge object drops down on the highway and causes her car to swerve. She gets out of the car, when a huge hand comes at her.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She escapes from the hand, running away.

Meanwhile, in Tony’s Bar & Grill, is her jerk of a husband with the gold digging…

Honey Parker. Ugh.

Harry had left his wife, but instead of working when he was strapped for cash, he went crawling back to be taken care of. Nancy Archer is worth over $50 million, but with divorce Harry won’t be able to get a thing. Honey tells him that he’d be able to get it all IF his wife dies.

Harry is a bit perturbed by that suggestion, and decides to try to recommit Nancy.

Nancy has arrived in town, and is intercepted by Deputy Charlie. She is freaking out over the alien encounter, but everyone thinks she’s crazy. The Sheriff tries to clear the crowd, and protect Nancy from onlookers as she is a prominent figure in the community.

Nancy tries to tell everyone all that happened, but no one will listen.

Deputy Charlie goes searching for Harry and finds him making out with Honey in a booth. Harry pays him to “not be found”. Charlie goes back to the deputy and they go looking for “the giant”.

Pretty much they think she is crazy and are just humoring her.

Of course, they find nothing. Nancy is furious and heads home. There she runs into Jess, the butler, and Harry. She sends Jess away and gets started on another drink. She and Harry start fighting about his cheating and her drinking.

They fight and fight. But ultimately, Nancy can’t get rid of him. She’s crazy about him, no matter how bad he makes her feel.

Nancy Archer: My husband!… My gigolo! That’s what you are. You’re a miserable parasite! You’re just after my money! I was rid of you once. Why did I take you back? Why? Why?

Harry Archer: Why did you, Nancy?

Nancy Archer: Why?… because I love you, Harry!

Poor Nancy. She is stuck in this horrible marriage because she can’t let go.

She tells Harry about the spaceship, but surprise, surprise; he thinks she’s crazy too. He puts her to bed giving her a sedative to knock her out. He then steals her diamond pendant, Star of India, and head’s over to see Honey.

When he gets to the bar he finds Honey with deputy Charlie. She’s angry about having to wait around while he’s with his wife.

He gives her the diamond to mollify her.

Dr. Isaac Cushing makes a house call on Nancy, and confirms she is not well at all. When the doctor leaves, Harry and Nancy resume their fight. Harry gives her back the diamond and leaves her alone. And them to make matters worst, the radio makes fun of her “encounter”.

KRKR-TV Commentator: Ladies and gentlemen, this is KRKR-TV. And now, more news of high fliers. Nancy Archer, the former Nancy Fowler, heiress to the Fowler fortune and the fabulous Star of India diamond, has joined the ever expanding international society of satellite seers. From the Archer’s palatial home away from home comes word that Mrs. Archer claims not only to be seeing a sociable satellite, but its inhabitant as well, a 30-foot giant. Is he pink with big ears and tusks? It seems that Mrs. Archer, who has been feuding with her husband, Handsome Harry, has finally found a man from out of this world, someone who will love her for herself. Come, come, Mrs. Archer. Any man can ignore a million dollars, but fifty million? That’s too much to ask for, even from the man in the moon.

She destroys her radio with an empty bottle. This brings Jess and Harry into the room. Nancy orders Harry to come with her to search the desert. They drive for hours and find nothing. That night, however, Nancy sees a flash of light and follows it. They spot the ship, with Nancy going up to it, estatic that she isn’t crazy. As she is looking at it, the Giant alien comes out again and reaches toward her.

Harry fires at the giant with his gun, but it does nothing. Nancy screams for help from Harry, but he takes off in the car leaving her behind.

When he gets to the house, Jess asks him where Nancy is. He ignores him and continues packing things. The two start fighting, when Harry knocks him back with an empty bottle. He takes off to the hotel, where Honey is waiting.

He pushes Honey to hurry up and get stuff together. While he ran to Honey, Jess called the sheriff with his suspicions about Nancy and Harry. When Honey and Harry are about to leave, they are stopped by Charlie. Charlie is offered a bribe again, but refuses, taking them down to the station.

While the two are stuck at the office, the sheriff and a posse start searching for Nancy. Eventually she is found at the pool house. Everyone is taken to the house, where Dr. Cushing attends Nancy. He is concerned about blue-green scratches on her neck, that they might have radiation. He asks Harry where they were, but he tells her that he doesn’t know where she was as he was with Honey the whole time. Honey confirms this, but the sheriff warns them not to leave town. He finds the whole thing very suspicious.

As Harry takes Honey home, Honey tells him that she overheard the doctor say that an overdose would kill her. She pushes him, and Harry is planning on it.

Can we just pause and say that Honey is a regular psychopath. She’s got the touch of the crazy in her.

That night he waits until the nurse is asleep, and fills a syringe. As he goes to inject her, the nurse wakes up and catches him. But before they can address that, she screams for the doctor as something has happned to Nancy.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is ginormous!!!!!!

What’s going on?

The next day, doctors come but no one can figure out what caused this growth!

At the hotel Honey is messing with records. She is not happy that Nancy is still alive, but there is nothing that he can do with all the doctors swarming.

Back at the house, the police are searching for the reason why Nancy grew. They find a gigantic footprint. They find several more and follow it to the desert, concluding that the giant must have brought her back to the house. They find the spaceship and fight with the alien. He leaves in his ship, after having destroyed the car and causing the Sheriff and Jess to walk home.

At home Nancy wakes up, and is very unhappy that Harry is not there. Deputy Charlie tries to get Harry to come home, but he refuses. They try to keep Nancy doped up, but she breaks free, makes an outfit out of her bedsheets, and takes off searching for Harry.

She knows he’s with Honey and takes off after them.

Nancy Archer: I know where my husband is! He’s with that woman!

The doctors and sheriff follow her trek and mass destruction. Just like every other giant being, Nancy takes out buildings, the electrical transmission tower, etc. She keeps yelling Harry! and looking for him.

She eventually finds the two in the hotel.

Harry tries to shoot Nancy, but it doesn’t stop her. Nancy knocks the roof off the building and kills Honey. She picks up Harry, crushing him in her grasp. The sheriff finally kills Nancy, by using a transformer which electrocutes the two. In an ending that is reminiscent of King Kong (1933), they crowd gathers around and end the film with, “

Dr. Isaac Cushing: She finally got Harry all to herself.

And of course as always, the facebook cover page/mini poster

To start Horrorfest IV from the beginning, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It Has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

For the previous post, go to I Am the Chosen One. And I Choose to Be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

For more on aliens, go to Only a Woman: Queen of Outer Space (1958)

For more B Horror films, go to Unleash the Savage Instincts That Lie Hidden Within: I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957)