Call Me, Maybe: Austentatious (2015)

Only one I’ll be calling is:

Or:

But no, we aren’t talking about that. We are instead talking about:

We are instead discussing-Austentatious (2015)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Yes, I really, really do not like this show or how they portray the characters. But I started it, so I’ve got to finish it.

So Austentatious is the story of Elinor, Marianne, Emma, Elizabeth, and Mr. Knightley being friends in modern times. In the last episode Marianne was trying to find a job, but kind of sucked although she did manage to be a smoothie barista.

Elizabeth’s family were trying to take family pictures but she was having a hard time picking something out.

I can’t decide

And Knightley goes over his disaster dates:

So on to today’s episode. It starts off with Knightly seeing Emma trying to thread a needle to sew back on her shirt and is dressed in gross sweats and her hair is crazy. What?! That’s so not Emma. She’s miserable but never would have her hair and clothes be so bleh-yuck. Proof:

Knightley came to meet with Emma for lunch, but it slipped her mind. Knightley threads the needle and then sews the button on the shirt for her. Wow, a man who can sew.

Wow

Elizabeth comes in to share about her awesome date with Andrew with Emma. Maybe it’s “Wickham”? After she shares that she leaves. Wait, why didn’t she just call or text like a normal person. Why come bug her at work?

Elinor and Marianne are fighting about dirty dishes and Marianne not cleaning. They both see a mouse in the apartment and freak out. Again what does this have to do with Jane Austen!

Ugh!

Elizabeth interrupts Elinor at work to share about her awesome date and the guy not calling back in two days. Again why doesn’t she call or text. You see we just spent the last few episodes with Elinor harping on and on about Marianne not working, but look at this.

She then goes to Marianne’s job and shares her fears about him not calling and then again I ask why doesn’t she call or text instead of bothering her friends while they are working. Why doesn’t she meet up with them after work. Why isn’t she at work?

Or plot!

Marianne tries to make her feel better by sharing about this time she dates-And NO stop!!!

This is so He’s Just Not that Into You. Like get it together Liz, he’s not interested. Don’t be harassing him or stuck on him. He’s totally a loser, I can feel it.

She then goes and bothers Emma.

Not again!

OMG like what is this?!!!! I really don’t like this. This has like zero to do with Jane Austen. Like why even make a show based on the characters of Jane Austen when it has nothing to do with it at all. It’s amazing when you compare this to The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and see how amazing that was with a modern adaptation that kept to the source material. Even Fall For You went on some other paths, but they kept the heart of the novels in there. What does any of this have to do with anything??!!

Ugh!

I am so bored….

Let’s just turn the TV off…

No we can’t do that? We have to finish? Fiiiiiiine, but I’m not happy…

So…Emma wants to help her friend and she ropes in Mr. Knightley to give them a man’s perspective. Knightley isn’t into it, but dude just tell her the guy’s not interested and leave, Problem solved.

Ugh!

Of course they probably won’t listen to you, so oh well. But at least you can say you tried.

Elinor gets home and finds things a super mess. Mold? Rat poop? Not quite sure. Oh she complains to the exterminator it must be mouse poop. Marianne wants to get a cat to get rid of the mouse. But Elinor says no. But Elinor, cats are awesome.

So the girls meet up on Elinor and Marianne’s apartment to have a girls night/mouse killing party.

Did I just write those words. Have I said I really don’t like this show. And it has only been like seven mins. It feels like hours. Ugh.

And speaking of mouse killing, the girls live upstairs, how did the mouse get up there? They should check with their neighbors, maybe it is a pet.

Oh?

So Emma, Elizabeth and Grant are sitting on the floor in a circle sharing. Why, when there are couches. I don’t know any 30+ people who do that unless they are playing with their children. I mean there is nothing wrong with it, but it looks really weird.

What’s the heck?

Elizabeth met Andrew at an open house and went to dinner. Knightly is being a total sarcastic dude, and good job writers, Very realistic.

Elizabeth flashes back and shares about her wonderful dinner.

Elinor finds trash in the couch. Okay I can believe under a couch or on the table but who throws trash-like banana peels and stuff in their couch that isn’t a four year old child. Like really?

And why do they have to make her dumb and like a five year old. She wasn’t like that in the book!

Omg this so boring.

Elizabeth is just going on about him smiling and staring at her mouth and really? Who wrote this? I’m over it I just want to be done. It is so boring and who says that-“he was staring at my mouth.” Like if some guy is staring at my mouth while having dinner, I would think I had food on my face not that he was intensely trying to imagine kissing me.

I feel like this is the bad discount version of Jane Austen. Like when you go to the Dollar Tree or 99 cent store and there is the discount version that is good, and then the discount, discount version with the weird name and logo and when you eat it it tastes like sawdust and you never forget and never buy it again. This is that.

Like Jane Austen has wonderful romantic scenes that gripped your heart and tension. Elizabeth watching Darcy during the card game in torment, Captain Wentworth’s letter, etc.; and here we have “staring at my mouth”. Woohoo!

Wow, real romantic!

They ask Knightley’s opinion and he’s like I don;t know I don’t know him. Mr. Knightley tries to give them a reality check, but they aren’t having it.

Mr. Knightley thinks it was just he wanted dinner while the girls are all he loves her! Knightley gives the girls the guy version. He says staring at mouth-probably had food in teeth (see-told ya!). Thinks looking at her smiling because farting or secretly getting the game scores on his phone.

Marianne leaves the girls night to go on a date, a date with “Willoughby?”

Let’s get this train back on track!

So in this episode Emma is sarcastically calling Grant Mr. Knightley and all I can think is thank goodness because calling him Grant was dumb. George or Mr. Knightley-either one I will accept-but no Grant.

For the thousandth time

Mr. Knightley is back on roasting the date, telling Elizabeth “her date” probably touched her hand to keep her from sharing his dessert. Him saying he would call her, was probably just a brush off to get her to leave.

Ouch

Elinor says to stop freaking out and call him. I guess that is where the title comes from.

Phew!

Liz is going to call, but Grant stops her as he finds him “in a relationship”? How? On what? Facebook, Instagram? And how could he find him, I mean Andrew is a super popular name, Elizabeth never said his last name. Lazy writing, LAZY!

Grant is a total dude, happy to have won over the girls-he called it, but on the end he gives the cupcake to Lizzie and they all eat the “mouse cheese”. When they go to get crackers they find the mouse in there. They all run out and the exterminator comes in to kill it. As they wait in the hall they run into Collin and it turns out to be his mouse-(I point you to my earlier comment about the mouse probably being a pet)-little Lizzie. CREEPY!

And finally the episode is over and once again had zero to do with anything Jane Austen than the names and I once again question what were the writers thinking. I mean seriously! FOLLOW the PLOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t decide

And this is only episode 5.

Nooo

It’s never ending, never ending. I’ve fallen into the Twilight Zone. And I can’t get out.

For more Austentatious, go to Hit Me With Your Best Shot: Austentatious (2015)

For more Jane Austen film retellings, go to Mrs. Darcy Wants to Know the Truth!: Death Comes to Pemberley, Episode Three (2013)

For more Sense & Sensibility, go to The Smart One and the Pretty One

For more Pride & Prejudice, go to I Wrote Mr. Darcy a Letter

For more Emma, go to Austen Avengers Assemble!

You May Screw Up, but You’re Not a Screw Up: Mystic Pizza (1988)

Romantic Moment #2

Mystic Pizza (1988)

Mystic Pizza is a coming of age film that tells the story of three girls, and coworkers at Mystic Pizza, as they set off on different paths. Jojo is supposed to be married, but at her wedding gets cold feet. She wants to stay with her boyfriend, but is afraid to lose herself. Her boyfriend, Bill, is understanding but at the same time doesn’t want to be strung around. He doesn’t just want sex, he wants more, he wants marriage. Beautuful Daisy, is always reckless and the life of the party. She clashes with her mother as she isn’t as sensible as her sister Kat. She gets involved with a rich guy, which her mom tells her won’t last. After he uses her to get back at his family, she breaks off the relationship. Kat was accepted to Yale and is eager to go and study astronomy. Although she is getting a scholarship, she is worried about finances and takes on a second job as a baby-sitter. The wife is out of town and the father starts giving Kat the attention she has never recieved, having been in the shadow of her sister. Kat eagerly spends a night with him only to have his wife return and him treat their “time together” as a buisness transaction, trying to pay her off to not say anything. In the end, Jojo and Bill get married; the only thing changing about her is her name. Daisy’s ex, Charles (the rich boy), listened to what she said about him and comes back to not only apologize but prove to her he’s changed and tries to win her heart back. Kat rejects the dad’s check and forms a better relationship with her sister. Leona, the owner of Mystic Pizza, gives her extra money as she is one of “her girls”.

Most Romantic Moment:

So the girls are going out to have a girl’s night. Kat has the night off, Jo is on the outs with Bill, and Charles has to visit his grandma. The girls get drunk (heavily, except Kat) and steal Bill’s truck that full of fish and fish guts. They decide to drive out to the country club as they like to watch the people dance. When they get there they are having fun, that is until they spot Charlie talking and dancing to a blond girl. It is clear to all that they know each other very well.

Uh. Oh not good, at all. Daisy gets so upset that she goes ballistic!

She gets in Bill’s truck and dumps all the fish and fish guts in Charlies new red porsche. (Best payback for a cheater ever)

Imagine this full of fish guts! Yuck!

Now I know you are all probably thinking, what’s romantic about this? This guy is a total skeez for cheating on her. Now just wait, I’m getting there.

So Charlie comes out and sees her doing this and freaks. I mean who wouldn’t? I know I’d be royally pissed! Now Daisy is yelling and cussing him out for lying and cheating on her.

Then Charlie tells her he didn’t lie. He was going to his Grandma’s, but she went out of town. He called her house but she was out and her mom had no idea where she was or when she would be back. So he decided to take his little sister out.

That’s right. His sister.

So Daisy feels super stupid. And you know what Charles does next? I’ll tell you, and let me say it is pretty romantic.

“Daisy: I f***** up. 

Charles Gordon Windsor, Jr.: Yeah… but you gave it a 100% effort!”

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, instead of being mad, yelling, screaming, or even lording over Daisy that she was wrong and did something stupid (a reaction that would have been understandable) he tries to make her feel better. His car has fish and fish guts everywhere, which you know will be an absolute PAIN to get clean and it will take forever to get rid of the smell, all he cares about in that moment is making Daisy feel better and make sure she knows that everything is ok. Now you might not agree with me, but I think that is a prime-A sighworthy moment.

So romantic

I mean you know how guys get about their cars. Cars are like an extension of themselves, it’s their personal/sacred space. It is their provate domain, their man cave on wheels. And this wasn’t a trashy car, this was a new porsche convertible. And to not say anything, wow this guy is great. I mean its true he does have a few kinks to workout, he is a fixer-upper (who isn’t?),  but he’s worth having.

Here’s the scene for you guys. It’s great!

“Daisy: [After Charles tries to make her feel better] You’re weird

Charles Gordon Windsor, Jr.: I’m weird? [Looks at car, then at Daisy] I’m weird? [takes Daisy’s hand]

So adorable!

Tune in tomorrow for another romantic post!

To check out another Julia Robert’s post go here.