When Legendary Titans Meet: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021)

This is actually the first review I did of the Monsterverse trilogy, so I apologize if there are any repeats in this one.

So after Godzilla (2014) I resolved to never, ever again watch another one of the Godzilla films. You see I grew up watching all the old Godzilla films and I was so, so, so disappointed in the fact that we hardly had any Godzilla but it was just MUTO. It also was extremely boring and had a bunch of other issues. Yep, never-ever again.

But this past April I was watching my niece for her Spring Break and she wanted to see Godzilla Vs. King Kong. I did not want to watch it, but as it was my niece asking, I gave in. It actually was kind of circular as the last film I watched before everything shut down was King Kong (1933) and the first film I saw coming back in was a King Kong film.

So at this point in time I haven’t yet seen Kong: Skull Island but hopefully I can still follow everything.

Since writing this review I have watched the other two films that came prior to this one, (although I still have a lot of questions that were not answered). If interested in those reviews go to Kong: Skull Island or Godzilla: King of the Monsters. 

So the world has changed since we last saw Godzilla, as the world is recovering from the destruction he caused. To me it seemed this film was split into three storylines:

Madison Russell and the Curious Case of What is Really Going on at the Apex Corporation

Time to get on the case!

So one man has a podcast and he believes something strange is going down at Apex, a genetic corporation. He has infiltrated the company and believes himself to finally be on the cusp of a big scoop. As he tries to investigate what they are hiding, Godzilla attacks.

Everyone is upset and freaking out, except for Madison. They think they need to find a way to stop Godzilla, as all believe the way he protected them from the other Titans in the last film is over and that Godzilla is just going to harass and destroy everything and people everywhere. (Even though in every previous film he clearly only attacked when there was a titan/monster/alien.) But he did destroy a lot of things, so it does make sense that people are scared.

Madison still trusts Godzilla since he saved them last time and thinks something shady must be going down at Apex for Godzilla to attack when he only protects. Her dad, Dr. Mark Russell (Kyle Chandler) does not agree with her, and even though we saw in the last film how he would go to the ends of the Earth for his teenage daughter, in this her dad is really kind of checked out. He doesn’t seem to be worried about Madison, hardly checks in with her to see if she is okay, and even heads out to China to help with relief efforts without even speaking to his daughter. Like he doesn’t make sure to see her before he goes, or just make sure she has all she needs as he will be on the other side of the planet.

I mean she is a minor, she only has one parent, and he’s leaving her home after Godzilla just attacked their state to help in a country where Godzilla is going to attack. If she died or was injured he wouldn’t know where to find her or even start looking. If he died or was injured who’s going to take care of her? But more importantly, what happened to his character development?

Anyways, she is reluctantly joined by her friend in the search for the podcaster, as Madison believes she and him are the only ones who can find the truth. She and her friend do mange to track him down and she convinces him to break into the facility with her. She treats her friend really bad though, bullying him into coming along with them. And neither child tells an adult where they are or planning to go to, so if anything happens-no one will be there to save them.

You are just asking to be killed.

When they get to the Apex facility they hear people coming and of course hide in the pods that are to be shipped to China (something the podcaster had thought odd as they were shipping a lot to China, to a facility that can’t really handle the volume…or can it?) and end up being shipped to China. All I can think is what a nightmare that will be trying to come home. They have no money, no passports, they have illegally entered another country, it will be one serious mess.

After they arrive in China they don’t try to leave but continue to investigate and discover a large animal pen that it seems something is fighting something else. They also find some leftover monsters bits and all I can think of none of these people are movie fans as this room looks like the dinosaur pen they used for the demonstrations in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom when they were having the monsters “prove” themselves for the auction. It also made me think of the pen they throw Luke in, in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi and the one the crew fights in, in Galaxy Quest.

There the group sees a mechanical Godzilla fighting, yes we have MECHAGODZILLA!!! So for all you who don’t know, I grew up watching the old Godzilla’s and LOVED them. My brother and mom were giant fans and it was the only thing that my brother, who was eleven years older, was willing to do with me. My absolute favorite was Mechagodzilla and I was so pleased to see MechaGodzilla in this, but it turns out he misses 2/3 of the film.

What a ripoff! I’d rather see more more fighting of him then some of the other storylines.

Yes, it turns out that Apex stole a Rodan head from the previous film and have been using it to create their own Godzilla to fight and put mankind on top of the food chain. Madison is horrified at this, but the scientists at Apex are convinced it is the only way. By using the Rodan head they are also able to use his telepathic powers and communicate from the Rodan skull to the MechaGodzilla. They decide to fill it with a giant boost of electricity, but when they do it goes all Frankenstein, becomes alive, takes out its creators, and runs free into China-destroying it.

Yes, once again mankind has failed to learn anything- and we have another film where the creations has run amuck. (i.e. Frankenstein, Jurassic Park, Avengers: Age of Ultron, etc.)

Journey to the Center of Hollow Earth with Professor Lind, His Companions, and Associate King Kong

So this was what a majority of the film spent its time on and to be honest I thought this was the least interesting part of the film. Both my niece and I felt like the film seemed rather short and that there was too much Kong and not enough Godzilla.

So Kong is living on Skull Island where they keep him in a Truman Show like prison, including a fake top to make it always sunny and bright. The leading Kong specialist is there with the last remaining survivor of the native people from Skull Island, a little dead girl who is “friends” with Kong. The team there grows worried as the facility is not going to be able to hold him forever and they don’t know what they will do when it can’t. They also worry about Godzilla as the ancient drawings foretell of the two fighting and bringing destruction to Earth.

But what happened to all the other people? How did they construct this? They did not answer those questions in Kong: Skull Island. How did this woman become the expert on Kong? How long have they had this dome?

Hmm…

In a University in America, professor Linton (Alexander Skarsgard), is sitting in his little office when he is approached by the head of Apex. Apex tells him he is fascinated by his book and his theories of a Hollow Earth, the idea of a world inside ours where these monstrous creatures/Titans come from, and also possibly still roam. This is very much like Journey to the Center of the Earth and I 100% believe that the professor is based off the one in the book. I do like that in the previous film they had mentioned this Professor Linton and his book, nice job on the continuity.

Apex want Professor Linton to launch a new expedition, but he is not interested as his brother died trying to go into the center of the earth. The theory is impossible to test as the pressure is too great to handle with its reverse gravitational pull and kills anyone who tries to go through the only opening they have currently found, in Antarctica. (This makes me think a lot of Alien Vs. Predator.)

It turns out APEX has been building something to help conquer the gravitational pull as they encourage the professor to try it as it is necessary better understand these giant creatures and maybe find a way to lure them all home. This whole encounter gave me really weird vibes and I can’t believe the Professor wasn’t questioning why they were being so philanthropic. I would immediately be wondering what they were really after.

Hmm…

But professor wants to experiment, so he agrees. But before they can go he does need something, he needs someone originally from that area to lead them back-he needs a Titan. He needs Kong. He decides to pay a visit to an old friend, and possibly ex-girlfriend (there is a vibe), who is the leading Kong expert.

At first Dr. Andrews isn’t eager to help, but when he convinces her that Kong could go home, where he will be much happier than his gilded cage, along with the possibility that he might not be the only one and able to actually have a family: she agrees. But she will only help if she can join the expedition with her adopted daughter, the native girl. They are also joined by some other scientists, the military, and the daughter of the the head of APEX, Maia.

They travel through the sea and of course attract the attention of Godzilla. The two fight, them having to unchain Kong, and the fight was alright. I thought the Godzilla KOTM film was much better. I mean this whole concept is hard for me as Kong is just a giant ape while Godzilla can shoot fire from his mouth!

They manage to stop the fight only when they shut off all the power and pretend to be dead. They airlift Kong the rest of the way, the daughter, Jia, convincing him to go down and see his “family” and they all go through to Hollow Earth which reminds me exactly of Journey to the Center of the Earth book by Jules Verne.

There Kong finds “his” throne room and an axe made with a scale from Godzilla. He places it in a slot and it shoots out a signal that attracts Godzilla who shoots a hole down to Kong and Hollow Earth. There the APEX’s CEO daughter, Maia, uses a machine to send the signal back, I was a little confused at to how this worked exactly, but it is just what her father needed to power up MechaGodzilla.

Maia and her group try to leave but are crushed by Kong, making professor and co the only ones to escape. When they come above ground, Kong and Godzilla meet up and fight. Which leads us to…

Godzilla Versus Kong Versus MechaGodzilla

So for a film that is titled Godzilla versus Kong, it actually doesn’t make up that much of the film. The fights scenes were okay, but again one is flesh, fur, bone, and strength. The other has plates, is strong, and can shoot Fire! Godzilla can shoot fire, he is obviously going to win!

The two fight with Godzilla at a slight disadvantage as he used a lot of his Fire when shooting the hole to Kong. The fight scene is cool and of course Godzilla overpowers Kong and knocks him out, leaving him to go off to fight MechaGodzilla.

Kong is dying is like I said, Godzilla has FIRE! And the only way to revive him is to restart Kong’s heart. If only they had a machine with enough juice to light Las Vegas. Oh wait! They do! Good thing the APEX CEO had mentioned that one he first met the professor about his new machines. They use it to restart his heart and he is up again.

Meanwhile MechaGodzilla has been going on a rampage and fighting Godzilla, being too much for him to handle (false in my book). Kong and Godzilla team up to fight, Godzilla superpowering Kong’s axe.

Meanwhile MechaGodzilla’s controls are trying to be hacked by Madison and co but they are extremely unsuccessful. Her friend has the idea to use Bernie’s flask of alcohol that he always has on him (for his last drink) and throws it on the controls, short circuiting him as Kong gives the final whack. Afte they defeat MechaGodzilla, Godzilla and Kong give each other a nod and decide not to fight, each going their own way.

We end the film with Madison running outside APEX and just happening to find her dad in a city of a bazillion people, where everyone has been running around scared. Meanwhile, Kong, Prof, & co all head to Hollow Earht for a a happily ever after

Yeah, this was way better than Godzilla (2014) but I think King of Monsters was a much better film with plot and action. This one was not only really plot heavy but only focused on Kong instead of the two of them. I also think the use of previous characters were nice but they didn’t really add much to the story. We could have had the same story without them. This film didn’t make me want to get my money back like Godzilla (2014) or Kong, but I also felt really meh about it all.

The Facebook cover photo:

For more Godzilla, go to They’re Everywhere. Battling for Dominance. A Rival Alpha to Godzilla.: Godzilla King of the Monsters (2019)

For more King Kong, go to Kong’s God on the Island, But the Devils Live Below Us: Kong, Skull Island (2017)

For more monsters, go to Peculiarities, Monsters, and Time Travel.: Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (2016)

They’re Everywhere. Battling for Dominance. A Rival Alpha to Godzilla.: Godzilla King of the Monsters (2019)

They’re everywhere. Battling for dominance. A rival alpha to Godzilla.

So after Godzilla (2014) I resolved to never, ever watch another one of the Godzilla films. You see I grew up watching all the older Godzilla films and I was just so, so, so disappointed in the fact that we hardly had any Godzilla and just the scummy old MUTO. But this past April I was hanging out with my niece for her Spring Break and she wanted to see Godzilla Vs. King Kong. So of course I took her (and that review will be posted next week) and I thought the film was only okay.

Meh.

But as I didn’t watch this film before there were a few things I was a bit lost in. When I was flying home from visiting my niece I saw that this film was one of the options to watch on the flight, and I thought why not check it out. Hopefully it is not as bad as the 2014 Godzilla, and maybe better then the okay 2021 Godzilla? Let’s find out!

So watching the credits I spot Sally Hawkins, you know Anne Elliot in Persuasion (2007). Was she in the first one? It’s been so long since I’ve seen it and I don’t remember much other than I hate it and it was a waste of my money.

So the film begins at the end of Godzilla (2014), Dr. Emma Russell and Dr. Mark Russell (Kyle Chandler) lost their son in the attack on San Francisco. Me being me I had to find out why they didn’t continue with the characters of Brodie (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), his son, and his unfaithful wife (at least that was the vibe she gave me as she seemed to care so little about him). It turns out they had to replace the characters as Elizabeth Olsen (the wife) was busy with The Avengers and Aaron Taylor-Johnson was busy in something else. So we have these new characters that we know nothing about. I really hate when movies do this as they are trying to force an emotional connection that isn’t there.

I don’t know them!

So Emma and Mark have split up, extremely common after a child passes, and Mark is off studying wolves, having left the goverment program Monarch that is tracking and trying to control the Titans (Godzilla, MUTO, all the other creatures in the Monsterverse). She has Madison and is out in China studying Mothra. That seems weird to me, as why would the court grant her custody over the father in her line of work, as she’s up close and personal with unstoppable monsters!? Anyways. Emma is working on this machine to speak to the monsters and hopefully enable humans to communicate with them. They get word that Mothra is waking up and Emma goes running to fetch Madison to be a part.

Now this seems really weird to me as she is just a chilld not an employee, why would they allow Emma to bring daughter to this serious event, especially one that could go wrong at any moment. Why would she want to risk the life of her daughter? All I could think is that we had better protocals at the museum I interned at than this top secret facility with giant creatures.

Anyways, things start going wrong with Mothra (like I said), but they get the machine working and Mothra is calmed down. Unfotunately, right after a team comes in and shoots everyone up, kidnapping Madison and Dr. Emma .This group is lead by Abel Jonah (Charles Dance), ecoterrorist.

After this is discovered, Mark’s old friends and coworkers at Monarch, Dr. Ishirō Serizawa (Ken Watanabe) and Dr. Vivienne Graham (Sally Hawkins), approach him and let him know the situation. Mark goes with them and they have a size contestent with some of the other guys, it ending when Mark angrily yells that we should kill all the Titans and Godzilla. But he does calm down and notices that Godzilla is moving from his usual area and tells them to they should follow him, the team heading to Antartica.

Meanwhile, in Antarctica Jonah, Emma, and the team run into the Blob, I mean the Thing, no a Giant Behemoth, oops I mean a frozen monster, Monster Zero who is actually King Ghidorah. Why do they even call him Monster Zero? I mean he isn’t even the first Titan they discovered. Is he the oldest? They never say.

You know what else is weird, this ecoterrorist took everyone out in the Monarch facility, but they only had like five guys. You think the Monarch facility would have a ton of people and security. What did they have, just two gunned guards guarding a giant creature? Seriously?

So the Monarch team follows Jonah & co, and Mark goes all in trying to save his daughter and Emma-who at this very moment are waking up King Ghiddorah. King Ghiddorah and Godzilla fight, Dr. Graham being killed in the process, and Mark goes up against Jonah and his team who have huge weapons while he has an itty bitty gun. He manages to subdue them, but then Dr. Emma does something weird. Instead of going with him, she and Madison run off with Jonah.

So instead of going with her husbsnd she goes with the ecoterrorist? Is she in on it? OMG did she betray her team so she could use her machine? Was she seduced by the temptation to test scientific boundaries? OMG this is just like in The Thing From Another World isn’t it? (Why haven’t I reviewed that movie yet! Darn). She’s just like that crazy doctor too. You know I hope she dies for all the trouble she is going to cause. She doesn’t care about any of the innocents that are going to die for her scientific achievements. She doesn’t even care that she is risking her daughter’s life. What a terrible person!

So everyone is debating whether or not Emma betrayed them, her team not believing she could, but Mark assuring them she did. Meanwhile Dr. Che searches mythology for what this creature Monster Zero is and can find “zero information” because “people were too afraid”. Uh, King Ghidorah looks like the Hydra. I mean right away I knew that and she could find zero information? Where is she looking? What kind of reserch credentials does she have that she can’t tell that? Has she never seen a movie of Hercules? Read a myth? Seen any artwork? I mean she could do a google search and find tht info, how with all Monarch has is she able to find zero? Especially in the Hercules, Lore Olympus, Percy Jackson world we live in?

So Emma sends the group a video message to tell them why she decided that these Titans needed to be awakened, as she believes they will heal the world citing all the improveents we have had since Godzilla destroyed San Francisco and it grew back with trees and such (although Godzilla is radioactive wouldn’t that destroy the land? Hmm?) She doesn’t care who dies saying that it is the price needed to pay for what happened, and those that survive will adapt to serve ou new overlords. She warns them to find a Monarch secret shelter and hide out there awaiting until all the destruction ends, signing off at the end.

What really surprises me is that Madison is okay with her mom betraying everybody and causing mass death and destruction, especially as you think she would have a lot of trauma from when Godzilla attacked San Francisco and not wish that on anyone else. But she doesn’t care either. Like doesn’t she have any non-Monarch friends she is worried for? Ones that won’t have access to bomb shelters?

And her reasoning makes me hate the mom even more. Who made you the one to decide everyone’s fate and that people are just expendable? Huh, I bet you wouldn’t feel that way if it was you child in trouble, but sice it isn’t you don’t care that millions will die. And yes, it turns out all those people in her team were murdered by her command. What a jerk. I hate her.

Emma awakens Rodan in Mexico, the Monarch team trying to help evacuate people, but they get there too late to save them all. Rodan is defeated by King Ghidorah-and then Godzilla shows up.

The fighing scenes are the best as to be honest, we don’t really know a lot about these characters so I don’t really care about them at all. Like Mark is okay and Dr. Ishirō because he was in the first film-but the rest I don’t know and don’t really care about. What I do care about is watching Godzilla destroy things and this gave me exactly what I was wanting.

Godzilla rips out a head, woohoo! I have to say I am extremely happy to see how much Godzilla was in here, vast improvement.

But unfortunately before Godzilla can take King Ghidorah out, the military shoots the two with an oxygen depleting missile that shortens Godzilla out, but King Ghidorah is unaffected. He even grows his head back and wrecks havoc everywhere. Man sometimes humans suck.

Emma and her eco crew continue to awaken Titans going from South America, to Arizonia, to Germany, and so on.

So Dr. Chen still hasn’t found out anything from King Ghidorah even though him growing back a head is so Hydra. Like all I can think is this is why Gen Ed classes are important. Maybe if she had taken a Greek History class, Mythology, or art history she would have recognized it right away and know what they are dealing with.

Madison, meanwhile, has started to have second thoughts about everything and plans to escape. She takes some supplies, the Orca (machine that wakes the monsters up), and sneaks out of the underground bunker. Again, I see that this team has adopted a no security policy along with a let’s not protect our important invention policy. Really, really guys? You are supposed to be tough ecoterriorists?

Finally Chen finds “something” in the research that reveals King Ghidorah is an alien and not of our world (hence the oxygen missile not working on him). How I don’t know as I though people were “too afraid” to document him.

Mothra has imerged from her Chrysalis and goes to Godzilla. With a submarine the team go under the water ad find the ruins of a city that Mark calls Egyptian, but the statues look more like the Greek Kores to me. What is this supposed to be, Atlantis?

Anyways, it is Godzilla’s home where they find him recuperating. They need to help him and decide to nuke Godzilla to give him the extra juice he needs. The only problem is, the ship was damaged so the only way to do it is of course manually, Ken Watanabe sacrificing himself for the world. This scene is actually very cute as he brings the watch that stopped when Jappan was bombed in WWII and reaches out touch Godzilla, the creature he’s been studying forever before he goes.

Godzilla gets the juice and wakes up raring to go.

You know, how come we don’t ever hear the song of Godzilla anymore? I remember hearing it in the old movies and I wish they would bring them to the new films

So Emma is starting to have some second thouhts as the Titans aren’t “healing” the world like she thought they would. She mentions trying to use the Orca in Fenway Park to stop them listening to King Ghidorah. Madison overhears her, takes her supplies, the Orca and heads to the park. Now I’m super surprise that she knows how to do this. I’m not trying to go against her intelligence or anything, but I’m surprised that Monarch doesn’t have a policy that you cannot take things home with you or only authorized personel should be handeling this. Like shouldn’t all this be confidential so this doesn’t happen?

So Madison gets the machine working and stops the Titans’ destruction, or should I say extra destruction, but all Titans start coming toward her-espechially King Ghidora.

Emma discovers that Madison and the machine is missing and big surprise-she no longer thinks that humans should be killed and destroyed, when it is her daughter. Mmhmm…

Mark and his team run into Emma as they search for Madison, going home which is all intact. Just like in War of the Worlds.

Meanwhile, the monsters fight, just what I’ve been wanting. Mothra Vs. Rodan, Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, King Ghidora vs. Mothra and Godzilla. It’s awesome.

Godzilla is going nuclear, Mothra sacrifices herself to give him an extra boost while Emma sacrifices herself, paying for the murders of the people she killed, and Madison, Mark, and the team get away.

Godzilla defeats everyone who opposes him, all that remain bow to him.

This was much better than the first film as it gave you what you wanted, watching Godzilla fight and destroy things. The human interest angle was lacking, but if I have my Godzilla fighting, that makes me happy.

And the Facebook cover:

For more on Godzilla, go to Let Them Fight: Godzilla (2014)

For more on monster movies, go to Something’s Out There and It’s Killing People! And If It’s Monsters, Nobody’s Going to Do a Thing About it Except Us!: The Monster Squad (1987)

Kong’s God on the Island, But the Devils Live Below Us: Kong, Skull Island (2017)

Kong’s god on the island, but the devils live below us

So even though I am posting this first I actually watched it last of the three Monsteverse films. In April of this year I went to visit my niece in Georgia and she wanted to go to the recently opened movie theater and watch King Kong Versus Godzilla. I didn’t really want to watch it as one is a large mammal (Kong) and the other a giant radioactive lizard that shoots fire out of its mouth (Godzilla), so it SUPER obvious to me as to who has the real advantage here, but I love my niece and we did what she wanted to do. What can I say? I love my nieces.

Oh well…

When I was flying home to CA, I was planning on watching Emma (2020), but they didn’t have subtitles for the film and there was no way I would be able to hear what was going on with the air system, the engine, and all other plane sounds, so I kept scrolling. I spotted Godzilla: King of the Monsters, and decided to check it out and fill in the blanks that I had from the other film.

I wasn’t really planning on watching the Kong film, as I love the original and nothing can hold a candle to it, but when Redbox sent me a free rental I decided to complete the trilogy of the Monsterverse.

Here we go:

So we start with logos and planes shooting at something . What’s going on? Is this supposed to be the end of the original film?

Hmm…

Oh, it is the South Pacific 1944, this must be WWII fighting noises. Planes fall, crash, and burn but one man survives by parachute. But not for long as he is on Skull Island.

Looks like an enemy has also survived and the two continue to fight. But I am wondering why they are in the South pacific? I always thought Kong was in the Atlantic, toward Africa on the Madagascar side?

We then see the footage like in the horrible Godzilla (2014) but Kong was already big before the radiation? So that doesn’t really make ay sense to me, but they also say that they are putting up satellites and seeing parts of the world never seen before, so I’m guessing that means finding Skull Island.

We are now in 1973, but why doesn’t this take place in present time? Why would they set in the 1970s when the previous 1970s Kong sucked?

So Monarch is not doing well with the war going on, as they want to go out and do an expedition. John Goodman is the Monarch employee pushing the expedition as he really wants to go to Skull Island. He shows all these pictures of destroyed ships and all I can think is why would you want to go to an island that destroys ships and they were unable to kill whatever is out there with bombs? What do you think you will find that will really help humankind?

But they convince the senator to let them when they dangle that the Russians will want to go there and of course the senator wants to beat them They piggy back on an already planned operation and manage to scoop up a military escort to help them get there.

Army troops are chilling as they wait for transport to go home and we see the leader of this platoon is Samuel L. Jackson; he is the only guy I recognize, who are all these young guys? I must be getting old.

The Lt. Commander is having a hard time fought against the Taliban and then see that it was all for naught with all that is happening in the middle east. He gets the call to see if he will help lead them, and he readily agrees.

Meanwhile, John Goodman and his second are in Saigon looking for a tracker in a brothel. Weird choice, but whatever.

The guide is Tom Hiddleston who shows he is a worthy teammate as he fights off the guys he is pool sharking. He agrees for the right price, like always seen in movies. This film so far has been like a 100 others

And they play every ‘70s period drama soundtrack with war film/war tendencies issues. 

So annoying

Then we have Brie Larsen photographer, ugh I’m not a fan of the actress. She’s joining the crew as she senses there is something up. Conrad (Tom Hiddleston) and photographer Brie Larson have a moment when they know everything about each other why?

So far this feels like a mix between King Kong (2005), any treasure hunter movie ever, and King Kong (1976)

So far the only character I like is Chapman and I know he’s going to die soon. He has talked about his wie and son, he has a job all lined up for Delta after the war, he is the only one memorable

You are just asking to be killed.

Samuel L. Jackson does the usual hold on to your butts line as they head out in the storm. Of course there is a storm, as what would the movie be without a storm?

This whole thing feels very Jurassic Park as they come down the helicopters amazed at the beauty.

So far all the animals are regular ones, nothing “monsterverse-y” The scientists do something with seimic charges, they didn’t really explain why or what for but they see something special and important, what we don’t know. Again this film is really boring.

One helicopter is taken the down with a tree, the other a giant ape hand. The destruction has begun. I wonder if he is going to be obsessed with Brie Larsen or the biologist?

Kong be tossing the copters around like children’s toys, while everyone is trying to make sense of what they are seeing. They shoot at him, but that just makes him madder.

They are split into two groups-Hiddleston, Larsen, numbr 2 scientist, John Goodman, and an army guy. The other group has Jackson, Chapman, Cole, and Goodman.

John Goodman’s character is insane. Samuel L. Jackson’s character figures out that he knows more than what he is saying and question him. It turns out that Goodman is like Quint from Jaws, he was the only survivor of a ship and knows it wasn’t destroyed in war but by a creature. He’s only there to get info, proof, and hunt it.

Liar, liar

The group with Hidleston passes by a pond and sees a guant water Buffalo, finally some intresting creatures.

I think it is interesting that one group has all the military and the other has only one with all the civilians. Seems rather impractical.

Hiddleston and co come upon some kind of monumnt, and discover the natives. The guy from the beginning (now played by John C. Reilly) is still alive and hanging out with the natives. He’s kind of crazy. He’s basically like Allen from Jumanji but not as cool.

Chapman goes to the river to clean up and get water, when Kong sees him. Chapman hides behind a rock, but Kong lets it pass as he is trying to take care of his own wounds. I guess this will be a bonding moment of some kind?

This movie is actually really boring, like what is even the point. There isn’t anything new or that different. We see Kong fight some squid like thing, which is weird that this giant creature could survive in the river. But like why did they bother making this? It isn’t interesting and there is nothing we haven’t seen in a previous adaption.

John C. Reilly’s character tells the others that on the island they live in a perfect world where they live forever and have no crime. But I’m like yeah, but you also live on a desertd isld with prehistoric creatures that has no modern ok so I don’t know if it is really a strong trade off.

Again, this movie is boring. I mean the 2005 adaption wasn’t good but it had a interesting world and there was stuff happenig. Nothing happens here but Brie Larson taking pictures and Samuel L. Jackson’s character is slowly losing it.

How much longer if this movie? It’s boring.

Oh no, poor Chapman was resting on a log and it turned into a killer walking stick, don’t die Chapman, don’t die. He shoots at the beast but it runs off as there are these other creatures here, Skullcrushers. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO he’s dead.

Brie Larsen wants to take a long exposure photo but her flashlight broke, Why are you wasting up your batteries on a photo when you have to cross a crazy island? This character is annoying and useless, I hope she gets eaten, but unlike Chapman I know she won’t. Hiddleston shares about his family and I think the two are supposed to be together, but they have zero chemistry.

Whatever I’m already checked out of this film. I mean Godzilla (2014) sucked because they didn’t put Godzulla in as much as they should have, but at least they tried something new.

This movie is two hours but feels longer.

So the both groups met up with each other and are reunited (minus a few that died along the way). Jackson doesn’t want to go to the meet up point because Chapman never returned from his, but isn’t it obvious-he dead.

One of the skullcrushers vomits dog tags and we learn that Chapman is dead (knew it). John Goodman character is dumb enough to try and take photos and gets eaten. Everyone is trying to shoot and sniper except Reilly who uses the katana, yeah that seems to be a better weapon.

The army decides to go look for him, ignoring Reilly even though he’s been on the island for the last 30 years and a soldier, you think they would listen to what he says. They find the Elephant graveyard, oops I mean Skullcrusher graveyard/boneyard. It is not only a dangerous place but full of gaseous material as it is hazy and red. Of course, the Skull Crashers are alerted (by a cigarette causing a blowup) and now we enter the trailer material.

All of a sudden we have flam throwers, why didn’t they use those earlier?

Reilly is like we need to get out of here, but Jackson won’t leave without Chapman, Hiddleston tells him he’s dead but Jackson won’t listem, he wants to get the weapons from the crash site and kill all the creatures on the island.

I’m like why are they even fighting, just leave and head for the pickup point. If Jackson wants to die he can. Like I’m not getting the conflict here.

It’s super obvious!

 

So Hiddleston and Brie run into Kong and Kong and Brie have a “connection”. Why? It doesn’t explain.

Instead of going to the pickup place they all decide to go back and try and save Kong from Jackson’s plan.

Kong and the army fight, but then mama skullcrusher comes and Kong fights her. I’m like too little too late. This is why every other Kong film has a cool epic fight earlier in the film instead if wasting time.

Kong wins. the remaining few leave on the boat and Kong goes back to his Kong duties.

But what about all that happened in the third film? How did the doctor find the island? What about the little girl from the island who could speak to Kong in sign language? How they build that giant enclosure for Kong where they watch him all day as if he was on The Truman show? What the heck guys? This movie was dumb and didn’t answer any of my questions! Ugh.What kind of stupid universe is this?

I’m so glad this was a free rental because if I had paid for this I would have been really, really mad.

For more on King Kong, go to Oh No, It Wasn’t the Airplanes. It Was Beauty Killed the Beast.: King Kong (1933)

For more monster movies, go to Zombie Pirates and Werecats: Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)

Every Three Thousand Years, the Stars Align. Unleashing an Army of Monsters: TMNT (2007)

Every three thousand years, the stars align. Unleashing an army of monsters.

If you’ve been following me you’ve read this already, but for the new readers I’m giving a little background as to why I choose a TMNT film. If you have seen it already, feel free to skip ahead

So this is our second installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ films.

So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.

I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.

So last week I started with the 2014 film as it contained a lot of horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.

Today we are doing the 2007 version/remake. In this one we have a lot of horror film components, I mean we have giant stones turning into monsters and trying to destroy New York City. So no use waiting around:

The Review

So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.

I was not excited about this film coming out at all. It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.

But my nephew loved the film and wanted me to watch it with him when it came out. What are you gonna do? It’s family!

But I was right. It was horrible.

So the film starts off with long narration about an Aztec warrior finding a portal to another dimension granting him immortality but his generals were turned to stone. It also released 13 monsters, everything from Bigfoot to the Jersey Devil.

Flashforward to present times, after the defeat of the Shredder, the turtles have broken up.

Yes…I’ll get to that later. So Leonardo was sent to central America to train to be a leader and hasn’t returned. Since then, the remaining turtles have been working

Yes…I know. More later. With Raphael doing vigilante things at night.

April is working as a relic acquirer

And not a reporter

Yes…I know. More later. She runs into Leonardo and convinces him to come back. He does and him and Raphael fight all the time.

OVERDONE

April delivers the statue she find to the uber rich Max Winters, makes me think of Shreck from Batman Returns, and he hires the Foot clan to hunt down the 13 monsters.

The Generals awaken and help hunt down the monsters, but when they discover they won’t be immortal with all 13, they want to betray Winters.

Thanks to Casey, they’ve discovered the Aztec warrior is Winters and try to help him. Meanwhile Leonardo hates the vigilante Raphael is secretly, and tries to stop him. When he finds out it is Raphael, the two fight and Leonardo ends up getting captured by the generals as the 13 monster.

And in the end they save the day, destroy the monsters, and reunite.

So why did I hate it? Let’s count down!

1) CGI

The CGI was horrible. They looked awful and boxy and just bad. I would have preferred 2D. I mean look at Casey, his whole face and body, just no.

Not the right one.

And it’s not like CGI was still working out the kinks. I mean you had some good stuff like Ratatouille, Meet the Robinsons, I mean even the dumb movies like The Bee Movie and Alvin and the Chipmunks had good CGI. This was just bad.

2) Instead of the Turtle Background We are Focusing on Aztec Warrior Meets Monsters Meets Multiple Dimensions

WOW

I know this is so strange. They give the turtle background as to who they are, how they were created, and such like three lines! Three LINES!

Four turtles. Four brothers. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York. Named after the Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas.

And then we are supposed to give our attention to this Yactl or whatever, his generals turning into stone, immortality gift, blah blah…

Blah, blah

Our full attention?

I PAID TO SEE A TURTLE FILM!!! I WANT THE TURTLES!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

I mean really, out of all the comic written, this is the back story you want to give us???!!! OUT OF EVERYTHING??? Who was paid to write that? If it had been up to me, as soon as I read that, they would have been FIRED!!!

3) Why Was the Main Warrior Not Turned to Stone?

So how come Yactl was not turned to stone but all the generals were? They never really seem to explain why he was the only one given the immortality. Then again maybe they did, but my mind glazed over when I had to pay attention to the most non-turtle Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film.

Yes film you are so bad you are forcing me to reference not just the Master of Disguise, but its stupidest scene to talk about how I feel.

4) The Turtles are Split Up

Hey guys let me point you to the title of the comics and the films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes did you get that? TurtleS!!!!!!! TurtlesSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT!!!!!! THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE THAN ONE TURTLE FIGHTING!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

Yes, they split the turtles up and send Leonardo to South America, why I don’t know. It’s dumb, it makes no sense, just argh!. They are supposed to be a team! When I paid for my ticket I paid to see four turtles not one on his own. And it makes no sense why they would split them up? Like seriously, who wanted that. Did any of these people read the comics or watch the TV show/films. I mean seriously!!!

Let’s move on…

5) April is Not a Reporter but Tomb Raider

April is not a reporter…

Yes April is not a reporter…

April is not a reporter but a tomb raider…

Yes no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds dumb. Why isn’t she a reporter? I mean how could she even go from reporter to tomb raider. It’s not like she’s an archeologist or anthropologist, or knows any of that stuff at all. And I SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A REPORTER!!!!!

And to ease the suckage of this film

6) The Turtles Have Jobs

WHAT!

The TURTLES have JOBS?!!!!!!

Just end the film here because that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

So you are telling me GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES with no social security numbers, good contact info, experience, etc are able to have jobs?

And let’s just forget about the social security number, experience, education; you know all those things you need to work and focus on this tiny little issue: GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES!!!!!!!!!

How do GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES get jobs? Huh HOW?!!!!!!!!!! This is just so stupid that if I think about it any longer my IQ will drop.

7) Why is Raphael the Nightwatcher?

So Raphael is the only one continuing to fight crime and be a ninja superhero. But instead of continuing as himself, he has faux batman gear and even takes on a faux Batman name with Nightwatcher (similar to Nightwing). I mean why does he even have to dress up? He is a giant turtle!!! And why hide it? Just because Leonardo is gone they can’t be vigilantes anymore? That makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are driving me insane!!!!

8) No Shredder

While its true you don’t have to have a Shredder to make a TMNT film, you notice how much they suck when they don’t have one. Like this movie, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. I mean Shredder and Turtles just go together, it’d be like making macaroni and cheese with no macaroni.

9) The Convoluted Plot

It feels like they spend hours talking about Yactl, the monsters, dimensions, blah blah blah.

I totally checked out from this film. I mean I came to see TMNT, not all this useless drivel they keep trying to push. Just dumb, dumb, dumb.

10) Raphael and Leonardo Fight Over Who is the Leader

Ugh I hate this plot thread. It is too:

OVERDONE

I mean it worked in the first film, but because of that it doesn’t mean you have to do it non-stop!! Just do something else. I swear that if I see this repeated one more time in a TMNT film(not counting the 2014 one) I will be held responsible for me actions.

ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

11) The End

It was horrible, dumb, and I didn’t like it. The only thing that was good was that it was over!

Good-bye forever!

Yes this film was horrible, just horrible. I mean it was so bad, it made the 2014 film look good. For all their faults, at least they tried to make a TMNT film that actually centered on the TMNT.

Well that’s it for this post. Next week I’ll be reviewing the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film. How does it compare? How does it hold up? Well, all those questions will be answered in seven days.

To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to The Butcher of Burtonsville High: The Death of the Queen Bee, Bones (2010)

For more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go to Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

For more sucky remakes, go to Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

For more alternate dimensions, go to There’s Nothing Out There. Nothing in the Mist: The Mist (2007)

In other news today is our 800th post

For the 700th post, go to Fan-do or Fan-don’t. There is No Fan-try

For the 600th post, go to There Are Thirteen Chairs at the Table…And That’s Unlucky: Mystery of the 13th Guest (1943)

Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

People want heroes…but heroes are not born, they’re created.

So this is our first installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films.

So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.

I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.

You also might be wondering why am I starting with the 2014 film instead of the 1990 one? Well I decided that I would review the one with the closest horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.

It might be a little confusing working backwards, but fun all the same. So here we go.

The Review

So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.

I was not excited about this film coming out at all. And when I heard that Michael Bay was directing?

It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.

But then, I had some friends tell me they liked it and really enjoyed it. I thought, okay. I’ll watch it, I’ll see how it is.

Hmm…

So I went to the movies and I sat through it. And I really tried to be objective, I really tried to be open and like the film. The only problem was that it sucked.

It had some good things, but on a whole it was boring, ugly, the same-old-same-old, and stupid. I hated it. I hated everything they did. They ruined the turtles!

So let’s get started on the actual review.

So I liked the beginning comic book look for the credits, that was okay although I didn’t like the backstory. I mean it makes no sense that Splinter would want to prepare the turtles to fight Shredder and the Foot clan, unless they had a backstory and prior knowledge of each other, like in the original. This made no sense whatsoever. It was just so stupid!

So Megan Fox as April O’Neal. Why, why would you do that? She is a horrible actress because she doesn’t act. If you put her, Kristen Stewart, and Channing Tatum in a room with a pile of wood, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between any of them.

This film sucks!

Now the whole April O’Neal being a young, fluff reporter trying to make it as a serious journalist, at first put me off…but afterwards I didn’t mind it so much.

It works

I prefer the established April, but I didn’t mind that change. I know they wanted to make her young, “hot”, and more relatable to the viewers.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

So this is the first film to have Vernon, a character from the original cartoon TV show. Instead of being an egotistical jerk, he’s one of those “ugh guys”. You know the type that tries to be Fonzie, but isn’t anywhere as cool as him.

 So April is looking for a way to break into the serious news scene. She has been hearing rumors of these vigilantes fighting back. She knows there is more but no one will talk to her. One dock hand says he knows a guy that will talk to her later, at night.

What?

That night April heads to the docks to get answers.

Excuse me? At night? What person in their right mind would head down to the docks in the middle of the night?

That seriously has to be the stupidest thing anyone could do.

So April spots a group of people breaking into the storage containers at the docks and of course calls the police.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That would have been the smart thing to do. Instead she goes to record it, but her phone starts dying. Her phone can’t record anymore, as the battery is too low, but instead of making a phone call to the police and reporting it, she gets closer!

April in the other film was much better as she made smarter decisions.

So this April witnesses the Turtles fighting, sort of. It’s too dark to make it out what is actually happening. She sees the graffiti mark they leave behind and photographs it.

The next day she goes to speak to her supervisor, Whoopi Goldberg. Now this is a big problem with this film. In the original, the actors became the characters. They were all well-known people before the film, but they were just so awesome they became them. In this the stars don’t make you forget, they constantly push it into your face that they are Megan Fox and Whoopi. It would have been better of they had picked different people.

Bad. Very bad.

Whoopi is especially distracting as I don’t even know what her character name is.

Truth be told I don’t

I also think it is so stupid that she would throw her idea out there in front of everyone instead of going to speak to her editor one-on-one. She should have waited until later.

Seriously

So then we switch to our first introduction of Shredder. I thought this was okay. We watch Shredder blindfolded in the shadows, masking his face and fighting the Foot clan. I like that they all speak in Japanese. That was pretty cool.

Now the thing I hate, is they make a big deal on keeping Shredder in the shadows and masking his face, just like in the original, only to show his face and then go back to the shadows. WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO KEEP HIM IN THE SHADOWS AND THEN SHOW HIM WHEN IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG REVEAL.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

And as we are sidenoting, have you noticed how every single person has green eyes in this film? Do you know how rare that is? I have natural green eyes and hardly run into anyone who has them (naturally). In fact let’s get the statistics.

“Green eye color is the rarest color found around the world, and it is estimated that only around 2% of the world’s population has green colored eyes.”

But yet every single person in this film has been given the green contacts. Seriously, Michael Bay back down.

That night April heads down to a big event in which Eric Sacks, gazillionaire, is teaming up with the NYPD to fight crime. And of course, obvious bad guy is obvious.

1. Owns a huge corporation? ✓
2. Has gazillions of dollars? ✓
3. Talks in a creepy voice oozing with evil intentions so that all know he is evil ✓

And of course he’s connected to April.

Come on!

Yep, as I said this films is full of boring film cliches. He and April’s father used to work together, until a fire destroyed the whole lab, April’s father having died in the process. Same old, same old.

Blah, blah

Later that night, Megan oops, I mean April, comes across the Foot clan taking hostages in the subway. Instead of calling the police or the paper, she runs toward the action and gets herself taken a hostage.

 Then she takes footage with her iPhone. Hello, you are taken hostage by people who have no qualms about killing, and while in plain sight you are going to film them?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has no common sense at all.

The Turtles come and knock out all the lights, and defeat the Foot clan. Instead of calling the paper and sharing her story, a real story in which could actually help her break into serious reporting, she takes off after the Turtles trying to get a picture of them. She gets one from far away and of poor quality.

Can’t see anything

To be honest it is their own faults. Why would they hang around the area after fighting of they don’t want to get caught.

So the Turtles grab her and take her phone. Now why would you do that. Okay in the original April is knocked out and Raphael has no idea what to do. He’s not sure if she is seriously hurt and can’t drop her off at a hospital, so he takes her home. In this the girl is far away, taking a photo at night. The best you are going to get is light flashes, black, and blur. Let it go. Who’s going to believe the story of giant turtles anyway?

Get it together!

But NOOO, they decide, let’s reaffirm her ideas we exist by showing ourselves to her and that they we ARE real.

Can’t see anything

And I hate the way they made the Turtles. They don’t look real and in the picture. You can tell they are CGI, they just feel fake. And don’t tell me that “that’s the way CGI works”, we had CGI in 2001 with Lord of the Rings, and the stuff in there looks way better than some of the stuff we have today.

This movie

They also say their “real names” in front of her. Come on, these are teenagers who love pop culture and have never read/seen any superhero thing and realized they need to protect their “secret identity.”

Get it together!

After this whole thing, April runs home trying to figure out where she heard those names before. Excuses me? What happened to the hostage story? That’s a good story. She needs to pitch it to her bosses while she works on the other one. This is why an older, established April works. In the other movies, April played up pieces while continuing to research into the complete story.

You suck!

She goes home and finds her old home videos she made of her dad’s lab before he died. Now let me ask you one question. What are the odds that she would have brought those old tapes with her? More likely they would be home and she would have to ask her mom to check the attic or her room for her old stuff.

And to ease the suckage of this film

Anyways, in the videos she named the four turtles that her father is experimenting on. First of all, how would a six-year old even know the names of four great famous artists like Michaelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, and Leonardo? I mean I knew them because I watched the Ninja Turtles. It makes more sense to have Splinter choose those names out of a book he found.

It turns out that April spent lots of time there, feeding the turtles pizza. Excuse me, would scientists conducting an experiment and heavily monitoring everything, allow the turtles to be feed pizza and possibly skew the results? And why do they only eat cheese pizza in this, turtles eat meat more than dairy?(My niece has a turtle, so I know.)

“Never feed a turtle dairy products, as their stomach cannot properly digest lactose.”

So if they are radioactively changed to eat dairy, why not let them eat everything else on the pizza like in the original, TV show, and comics?

April decides that this is her in with a story.

Come on!

Meanwhile, in the sewer the turtles try to sneak in, but Splinter catches them. Now Splinter freaks me out.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t look at him. You guys might not have realized this, but rats are creepy looking. And this version of Splinter is the creepiest. At least in the original he was older, cuddly, cute, and pulled on your heartstrings. You know, an animal version of Mr. Miyagi. This one is a more active rat; mean and more of an instructor than a father. Yes in the original, Splinter was their Ninja instructor/master, but he was also their father and moved between both roles, knowing when to discipline and when to love. In this, Splinter was just cruel and cold, no Fatherly twinges at all. They tell Splinter the truth, and he warns them that April will be in danger, they must go save her.

Plus we have the same old plot of Raphael fighting with Leonardo to be the leader. Blah! Boring!

It was great in the first film, and worked for the second, but again? Jeez, guys. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!!! It’s boring to repeat the same thing over and over again.

Blah, blah

Back on the surface, April has decided that she will give her story of giant Mutant turtles fighting evil and leaving graffiti to her editor in front of everyone. Like that is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Did she not hear how crazy she sounds? Would she really bring all this with zero proof? Like why? This is dumber than dumb.

And of course she gets fired, like no duh. What were you expecting?

Come on!

She then she heads over to see Eric Sacks to tell him the turtles exist, and we have that old cliché of going to see someone for help and they are actually evil.

So obs

There Eric shares his back story (Why?) and we find out he grew up in Japan where he was abandoned by his father. He was reared by his mentor/martial arts instructor. This instructor told him an ancient story of Japan and a warlord that took over when crime was running rampant or something. I don’t know. He hands her his card in case she needs anything, and April leaves. Obvious tracker is obvious.

Just stop with these stupid clichés!

After April leaves, Eric talk to Shredder who is his mentor that raised him. Now the Shredder in here is boring.

Originally Eric Sacks was supposed to be the Shredder, but they changed that because fans were upset that the Shredder wasn’t going to be Japanese. They then gave both zero character. Shredder has no real motive, reason, or any development.

The original was AWESOME!!! Why? Well we don’t see the Shredder for most of the figure, just his assistant Tatsu. Then when we are introduced to the Shredder, he is awesome. Taking down people, being scary, evil, all-around awesome bad guy. Then we hear Splinter’s tale of his master being killed by Oroku Saki, and how horrible he was. Only in the end to have it revealed that Oroku Saki and the Shredder are the same person.

So April starts looking online to get more information when Donatello hacks into her computer and tells her to meet them at a certain address. Let me tell you that is the creepiest thing I have ever heard. They sound as if they are going to murder her!!

And she actually goes there alone, without telling anybody, the middle of nowhere. Man this girl is just asking to die.

Just do it already, end here.

They take April to the sewers and it is the first film to bridge the actual distance of the fact that they are in a sewer, you know a place where poop is.

So here we have the Bay version of the back story. In the original Splinter’s master, Hamata Yoshi and Oroku Saki were rivals in martial arts and in love. They were supposed to fight to the death for the hand of Tang Shen, but as she loved Yoshi and didn’t want to risk his death, they ran off together to America. Oroku Saki doesn’t give up and years later, he tracks them down and murders them. Splinter becomes incensed and attacks Oroku, disfiguring his face. He gets thrown out and winds up in the sewer coming upon four turtles and radioactive ooze. This mutates them and makes them bigger, smarter, stronger, etc. Splinter changes to, and can read, finding a book on painters, naming his adopted turtle children after the people in the book. They find a home in the sewer where he teaches them the secret art of ninja he witnessed his master doing, now not only remembering but able to teach them.

In Bay’s version, April’s father and Eric Sacks were working on some kind of mutagen that will increase immunity, make you stronger, and the rest unsure of what exactly. They experimented on four turtles and a rat. April’s father was a good scientist only wanting to increase knowledge, while Eric Sacks is evil after money. Same old, same old.

When April’s father figures this out, he tries to destroy everything, by burning down the lab. It’s kind of his fault he died. April somehow was there and rescued the turtles and Splinter releasing them into the sewer. Okay, if April’s father was to destroy a lab with fire, why would he bring his six year old along?

That makes no sense

And why do they always have a bad scientist and a good scientist. It’s boring and been in everything from The Amazing Spider-man to The Fantastic Four. And you notice the father that died is always morally upright. I was thinking that is one of the things that makes Star Wars so awesome. They aren’t afraid to go there, they aren’t afraid to have their hero deal with a moral issue of what is right, should I follow in my father’s footsteps, etc.

So in this after being in the sewer, Splinter just happened to come upon a book on Ninjitsu, teaching himself and then the kids. That’s as stupid as when Danny is trying to teach himself karate in The Karate Kid. You can’t learn martial arts from a book. Especially Ninjitsu. Ninjitsu isn’t a real martial art, the Ninjas were assassins, the only way to learn is to be taught. It is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and the dumbest backstory ever!

And if the rat is from America and grew up in a lab how does he know so much about Japan? The culture, the essence, etc? If the film took place earlier, it might work as the ’90s were a plethora of ninja things. But in this version, the film takes place in 2014, the turtles are 15-16, which means that the kids and Splinter start their “mutant” life in 1998-1999, meaning they grew up in the 2000s. That means that Splinter should know nothing about Ninjas, Japan, etc. If anything, they should be obsessed with cops and CSI.

So back on Shredder, Eric Sacks has given him an ugly robotic suit. Just no, no, no, no.

And with Shredder, why do you keep putting his face in shadow? You already showed us his face, why bother?

Get it together!

So the Shredder comes with the Foot to take down the Turtles and kidnap them for their blood. They trip the alarm. And booby traps. Wait no, no, no that is not what happens. In a world where the Turtles have every kind of tech in the world that exists and more that Donatello made, they have nothing whatsoever to protect their hideout?

really? I can’t stand this movie.

In the original it made sense, the only tech they had was cable. They lived off what they scrounged. So they don’t have any booby traps or worries about people finding them. In this, they have a gargantuan amount of tech, but no security system? These boys read superhero comics and watch TV, they should have thought to have something.

This is what I would like to do to the stupid in this film.

So Shredder and Splinter fight. I do like how Splinter is younger and can fight, using his tail to as a weapon. But it was kind of sad too, as Splinter is no longer Mr. Miyagi, but now Jackie Chan. However, there is a weird dynamic between the two. Shredder and Splinter act as if they are mortal enemies, but why?

That makes no sense

In this film they have no connection to each other. They know nothing of each other, really. In the original they fight because Splinter ruined his face, and when Shredder sees him, he becomes enraged. In this Shredder even calls Splinter a “father”. How would he know that?

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

I hate the Shredder’s fighting style too. In the original he was a master martial artist and we see him actually fight. In this one, it’s more the tech on his suit. BORING!!!

They knock Splinter out (dropping a wall on him), and Raphael. They steal the other three.

As April only has a bike, she calls up Vernon to help them. When he gets there she tells him she needs a ride to the Sacks estate as they need to save the TMNT.

Jeez April, Vernon hasn’t been spending every moment with her, he doesn’t know what’s what. You need to give it to him a bit slower. You sound like a psycho.

She’s crazy!

Raphael reveals himself, and they all head off to the Sacks estate.

At the Sacks estate, Eric reveals his evil plans. They want their blood to make an antidote for a virus they created and will be releasing onto the world. The reason? MONEY!!! People dying will pay through the nose for it. Even though Eric is a gazillionare, he wants more. Like world domination would make way more sense than money?

really? I can’t stand this movie.

April and Vernon crash into the estate and go in to save the turtles. As they are fighting, they manage to release the turtles giving them shots of adrenaline. Now I tried to discover of this would really help, and it seems adrenaline can reduce blood loss, but there was nothing there on bringing people back after massive blood loss. I’m saying, they died. The end.

The group hijacks a truck and makes there way down to save the day. Now this scene has some stupid parts, but it was pretty cool. The only thing I hate, they made Donatello more than the nerdy one, they downright Urkeled him. I hate that.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

The elevator scene, probably the best part in the whole series. Cute and funny.

They go to do the final fight with Shredder and I hated it. It was boring, cliche, and there is no way they would have survived.

April manages to secure the mutagen. She later attacks Shredder trying to channel Indigo Montoya but failing.

The Turtles then band together with a maneuver that allows them to push Shredder off the roof. Donnie goes to stop the toxin’s release as Shredder pulls himself back up. Leo, Raph, and Mikey continue to hold him off, and Donnie is able to stop the release with a second to spare. Shredder then tries to knock the top of the tower down, and the Turtles try holding it back as April gets to the roof and shows off the mutagen to Shredder to distract him. The top of the tower comes crashing down as Shredder lunges at April and throws them both off.

What was the Shredder’s plan here? Run toward crumbling architecture?

They hang on for dear life, and the Turtles try to save April. Shredder tries to finish them off, but Leo throws his katana at him, causing Shredder to lose balance and fall to the ground.

We know he doesn’t die as you can’t really kill the Shredder. He’s always needed for the sequel.

Get it together!

The top of the tower comes loose, taking April and the Turtles with it. Then we hear this really boring thing from Raphael, blah blah blah. I’ve already checked out.

Blah, blah

And when everything is done, EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE TURTLES!!! WORST NINJAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the end Vernon still trying to put the moves on April, and failing. We end with Happy Together a sad song about hoping you aren’t dumped instead of the awesome and pumping turtle power or Go Ninja or anything.

It pretty much it sucked and was absolutely horrible. Once again, Michael Bay trying to destroy everything I love.

Why did they ever have to remake it?

And to ease the suckage of this film

But there is one good thing to come out of this: How It Should Have Ended

To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to A Matter of Loaf and Death: Wallace and Gromit (2008)

For more on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go to Return of the Fandom

For more How It Should Have Ended, go to We’re Mad Scientists. We’re Monsters: Avengers, Age of Ultron (2015)

For more sucky remakes, go to Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)