It looked like a fun ’80s horror film, but it was not.
So Leslie Shaber is your average housewife-who is extremely bored. Her daughter, Jennifer, is a mean sarcastic teenager who doesn’t want to spend any time with her, her husband works late and then is glued to the TV, the only excitement she gets is making up new and strange (gross looking) dishes that she eats alone.
Her daughter takes off to go to some Horror convention with her best friend Stacey who loves it-and is totally me and my love of classic horror. It also makes me think of someone else…
While Stacey is off on a booth, Jennifer goes to the gypsy and gets a prophecy from the gypsy fortune teller. She tells Jennifer that she has the mark of the pentagram, and will be attacked by a werewolf.
There have been strange attacks going on with a man hunting people.
Hmm…I feel like this information will come in handy later. From Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Meanwhile, Leslie has become angry and her husband and kids and decides to go off to shop away her bad feelings. She stops at the pt store and meets a strange red-eyed man Harry Thropen. Oh no, this dude is trouble. Stay away from him.
From The Twilight Zone
Leslie leaves and a thief tries to steal her bag, but Thropen comes to rescue and saves her belongings. He invites her to come to lunch, brainwashing her with his powers to come with him.
That’s not good.
They go out to lunch, where Jennifer comes upon them as she had a change of heart and wants to fix things between her mom and dad. She planned on bringing her flowers to try and pretend it is from her dad, but when she spots her mom eating with another man-she’s drops them and follows her.
Thropen convinces Leslie to go off with him, again using his powers, and they start getting down, showing way more than I would have expected with a PG rating. He is kissing her legs, when he bites her toe. That makes Leslie mad as it hurts and she snaps out of it and heads home, Jennifer having witnessed the whole thing.
Leslie goes home and daughter is extra angsty and angry. Leslie is upset about her cheating and makes her husband the perfect meal and later-because if you haven’t guessed yet, she was bitten by werewolf-and is beginning to transform-is in the mood to be with her husband- her and her husband being extremely loud that night with their daughter in the house.
After that Thropen wants her and Leslie starts turning into the werewolf. First her teeth start growing fanglike and she goes to see a dentist who gets his jollies filing her teeth down. He’s like the freak dentist in Little Shop of Horrors
Now this is where the movie gets weirder. Leslie looks like this:
But Jennifer is the only one who sees her and finds it weird. Like Leslie goes to the beauty shop like that and no one freaks out about how she looks.
That night Jennifer is holding a Halloween party and Leslie spends forever in Jennifer’s bathroom trying to get rid of her werewolf hair and such. I don’t know she doesn’t use her own (as it is off-limits to the party guests) It makes a huge line as all the guests wait outside to use the bathroom. It doesn’t do much as she can’t stop the hair from growing.
I’m a mess
So this film is really boring. I checked out of it. She keeps turning, she fights with the family, and she has a huge fight with Thorpen. Do be honest I didn’t care about the characters they all are rude, angry, don’t listen to each other, etc.
Ugh…
And a news crew shows up and films them, everyone knows at the end that werewolves are real?
In the end Jennifer transforms into a werewolf because she slayed the werewolf? What lore is that?
My friend found this film months ago on Youtube and thought it was just hilarious. She knew I loved ’80s films and horror and sent the link to me. Unfortunately, the video had been taken down.
However, the other day a friend of hers found a copy of it, so we were able to watch it. Now this film is a horror-comedy, Com-Ror, but at the same time being a parody of those teen films from the ’50s, like I Was a Teenage Werewolf, etc.
Originally the screen writer wanted Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but the director, Samuel Goldwyn Jr. thought he wouldn’t be able to carry a theatrical film of this scale.
By the time this film came out, Fox had already starred in Teen Wolf and Back to the Future, both making far more money then this film and cementing Fox’s stardom.
But we aren’t here to talk about those films, we are going to talk about this one.
The Countess (Lauren Hutton) is nearing her 400th birthday. In her mansion resides: one from early 18th century England, a french sailor, a confederate from the Civil War, her butler and chauffeur from the 1880s, a WWI pilot, a 1960s flower child, and a set of twins. Every so many years she needs virgin blood to keep her young and beautiful. Three times and the one she has bitten will become a vampire too. That time has come again, but she and her minions are having trouble finding a virgin in 1985 Hollywood.
Countess: How many days left till Halloween, Sebastian?
Sebastian: Oh, a little more than a week, Countess. I told you not to worry.
Countess: Not to worry? How amusing. But then you’re not the one who needs to have the virgin blood of a young man not once, but three times before All Hallows Eve. Not to worry? Being a vampire in the 20th century is a nightmare!
She ponders on what to do, but Sebastian reassures her, they will find a virgin.
So we are introduce to 18-year-old Mark Kendell (Jim Carrey) and his girlfriend Robin, who live near Hollywood, CA. Mark really wants to have sex, but Robin isn’t ready to do it yet. She wants to wait. Mark is feeling extremely frustrated as he feels as if he is only one who is a virgin.
I mean come on dude, your best buds haven’t had sex yet and neither has your girlfriend. That’s four right there and there are probably a lot more.
Anyways, so Mark goes to see his friends at the burger joint they work, and these two dudes are quite the crew. One believes he is God’s gift to women and continuously uses the stupidest line to try and pick up women, thinking it will work.
Russ: Hi. I’m Russ, and I’m a Sagittarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoy. Listen: I’m a mature person and you’re a mature person, so why don’t we just skip all the bullshit, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO?
The other, Jamie, is Eeyore in human form; always pessimistic and believing the sky is falling.
So he goes to his friends and complains about the relationship, Russ telling him that Robin is never going to do it and he should just move on.
What a jerk
Russ then suggests they go find some women to loose their virginity to. They decide to head out to Hollywood and see if they can find some. When I think of Jim Carrey in Hollywood, one film comes to mind…
But I digress, so the group heads to a club called Phone a Date. You pick a table, phone one of the other tables by the numbers assigned to them, and ask to come on over. It actually is kind of a cute idea.
As long as the person on the other end isn’t a serial killer or creep.
So boys try it out: with Russ first getting a transvestite, then getting rejected, and finally someone calling Mark over. By this time the boys are extremely hammered, having consumed 4 beers each. When Mark walks over, the woman is the Countess.
She gives him champagne and starts coming on to him, but Mark isn’t really interested in going home with her. He pretty much is out of it, actually. Meanwhile, his friends have two older ladies who are interested in them. They start talking and having fun, when one of the ladies’ husband comes, yells at the boys, and then starts shooting the club up.
Mark freaks out, and the Countess convinces him to come with her, taking him up to her mansion. Meanwhile, the guy is arrested and the friends are taken off too.
Back at the house, the Countess gives Mark even more champagne. She goes upstairs to get ready, and comes back prepared to feast!
After he is bitten, Mark passes out. The next day he is awakened by Sebastian and the Countess. Mark leaves and promises that he will call and the two can meet up again sometime, but has no real plans to see her anymore. He has a girlfriend, and he is happy to finally lost his virginity.
But he feels really weird. He starts eating raw meat, even though he’s only loved well-done food. He also can’t remember a thing that’s happened.
His friends ask him what happened and he tells them in the crowded quad, right where his girlfriend is.
She of course become angry with him for cheating on her and breaks up with him.
Robin Pierce: Oh Mark, I can’t believe you’re going to throw away our relationship on a one-night stand with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons! But you did. You really did! [takes ring off her finger] You can have your d*** ring back!
Mark Kendall: What am I supposed to do with it?
Robin Pierce: Use your imagination!
Mark’s weird behavior continues as he wants to sleep in trunks, looks pale, wears sunglasses all the time, and just acts vampireish.
He starts having these strange dreams where the Countess is in, but he doesn’t want her. He doesn’t call her like he said he would but tries to get back with Robin.
Robin accepts his apology and everything is all right again.
That night Mark and his friends head downtown. Russ and Jamie try again to pick up on women, but it doesn’t turn out well. Russ hits on a dominatrix and Jamie…well I don’t know what he said but it sure wasn’t good.
Mark goes to Robin’s work and picks out some clothes to try on, black of course.
Black is best
While he is in the dressing room, who should appear but the Countess. Mark tries to get rid of her as he isn’t interested, but she won’t take no for an answer. She bites him again. This film actually reminds me of Fatal Attraction, as the morals of both stories: Don’t cheat in a relationship and don’t try to have a one night stand.
So Mark passes out and Robin takes him home. The next day he is acting even stranger. He looks more like a Vampire, can barely tolerate light, wears only black, drinks blood, etc. Then when he tries to sell some ice-cream, he…
Mark becomes extremely worried, and goes to the nearby Catholic Church to ask for help. Unfortunately, a drunkard steps into the confessional and tell him he’s screwed.
Mark is continuously haunted by the Countess and starts to really become frightened with the idea that he might become a vampire.
I really liked the dream sequence as it was reminiscent of Dracula (1931).
Soon it will be Halloween but as it falls on a weekend, they are having a pre-Halloween party.
Mark and Robin were supposed to go as Jack and Jill, but Mark couldn’t get the costume so he dressed like he normally does. But everyone thinks he is a vampire.
While Robin and Mark are dancing, the Countess comes in and tries to control Mark into going with her. But Robin doesn’t like people messing with her man.
And this resorts in one of the best scenes, a dance-off.
Afterwards, Mark has a bit of a freakout and takes off, Robin chasing after him. She tries to calm him down. His reflection disappears and Mark tells Robin everything. Robin is weirded out, but when she doesn’t see his reflections, she starts to believe it. So she heads out to do some research.
She finds out that in order to know if he has been bitten by a female vampire, all you need to do is check the inner thigh for a bite mark. So of course she asks Mark and finds out that yes, he has been bit.
Majorly
Instead she asks his friends to find out for her, to look at him. They don’t want to but she guilt trips them into doing it, telling them that if they are really his friends they would look.
Why not ask?
So they ask Mark.
Majorly
Instead they try to look at him in the shower, resulting…well I guess I didn’t have to say it, you know it won’t turn out well.
Mark Kendall: What was that scene in the shower all about?
Russ: That’s the thanks I get for trying to help out a friend?
Mark Kendall: Oh you’re a big help, thanks a lot. Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe you could’ve asked me?
Jamie: Oh my God!
The way Jamie says that reminds me of Arnold in Troll 2.
So they see Robin in the parking lot when she is abducted by the Countess and her gang. You see tonight is Halloween and the Countess needs the third bite or she will revert to showing her true age. Mark is worried about something happening to Robin so he heads over there, aided by Jamie and Russ.
When they get there they find Robin tied up and let her out, but the whole thing…
The vampires capture them and take them upstairs, where they get ready to get the last bite and turn Mark into a vampire. Mark doesn’t want to:
The Countess starts trying to control him, but Robin isn’t going to lose her man. She jumps in the middle with a cross, the friends grabbing fire, and they free him.
[Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him] Count Dracula: More wolfbane? Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count. Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]
Then the chase is on!
In the end there is only one thing left to do to save Mark.
All, besides the vampires, are happy. Mark scored, Jamie scored, Russ scored, Robin scored.
I really enjoyed this film and I thought it was pretty hilarious, although having Hocus Pocus level anti-virginity theme. But a lot of fun to watch and sure to be a fun film to watch this season.
So this week, I noticed they haven’t been playing very Halloweeny songs on the radio. In fact I am sorely disappointed at the lack of it. There may not be thousands of ones to play, but there are some songs that work. So in the same thread of Nostalgia Critic, and because I am behind in posting, I have decided to list my top 5 songs to play on Halloween.
5) The Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Now this film isn’t for everybody, it is a pretty strange film. Tim Curry stars as a sexual transvestite from transexual Transylvania, although he is actually an alien and a mad scientist, building the perfect man Rocky. He also messes with these two people who stop at his castle to get out of a storm, Janet and Brad.
While the film is strange and loved by only a few, the song is extremely fun. It tells you how to dance, and with its strange ghoulishness, is perfect for Halloween.
4) Somebody’s Watching Meby Rockwell
I love this hit from the ’80s. In this Rockwell is a paranoid guy, who believes someone is watching him and coming after him. Michael Jackson sings backup, making it haunting with his higher voice, and Rockwell deeper more talkative then melodious one.
I have to say this is one of my all time favorite jams, I have the whole thing memorized. And it is great for Halloween, not only with the creepy undertone, but the great reference to Psycho (1960).
I’m actually thinking of reviewing this next year for Horrorfest V. I mean the music video is amazing, and so much work went into it, it is like a mini movie.
So this is my favorite Michael Jackson song and one of his all-time best. We have him transforming into a monster, zombies, Vincent Price’s laugh; just unbelievably amazing. And let’s not forget that killer dance and awesome lyrics!
2) Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.
Some of you may be wondering, why I haven’t reviewed this film just yet. There is a reason I’ve been saving it, which I will tell you next year. I know, cliffhanger, I’m sorry.
Anyways, I have been listening to this song every year since I was in kindergarten as schools always play it at dances and Halloween parties. No Halloween is complete with this amazing anthem.
From the awesome music that gets you pumped, to the great singing voice; this song has it all.
1) The Monster Mash by The Groovie Ghoulies
I have spent over 20 years listening to this song. Halloween is not complete unless I have heard this at least once in the month of October.
This songs has every classic monster; Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, Igor, and more all getting together and partying. Words cannot describe how cute and fun I find this song.
This is an awesome Halloween episode as it parodies The Wolf Man (1941).
It’s dark and stormy Halloween night and Cory sits at his desk writing a letter. Shawn comes in and asks him what he is doing. That’s when Cory announces he is a werewolf!
Shawn doesn’t believe him, and Cory does a flashback to tell him what happened and what brought him to this conclusion.
So the day before, October 30th, Cory was going outside to throw away his trash, when he notices that Mr. Feeny is putting his trash inside the house. Cory thinks that is strange and asks him why he’s doing that. Mr. Feeny tells him how a wolf has escaped from the Zoo, and he is prowling around the area. Cory is shocked! After Feeny leaves, Cory is putting the trash away when he hears something in the bushes. It attacks him!!!
The next day he feels really strange. He has strange urges with food. He has hair everywhere!!!
“Cory Matthews: Eric, what you’re about to see may shock you.
Eric Matthews: Then put a towel on.
Cory Matthews: Okay, look! [comes out with his arms thrown in the air, completely normal]
Eric Matthews: Oh, my God! I don’t see anything at all!”
But even though everyone tells him its just puberty and that he isn’t a werewolf, Cory is not convinced. Eric plays along with it as he finds it hilarious.
“Eric: I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but you might be turning into… a werewolf.”
Cory is really upset. At lunch he goes off campus to a yogurt shop and finds himself wanting to eat strange things…things like blood and guts!
The blood is actually strawberry yogurt, and the guts are actually chocolate. While there Cory hears the report on the news about the wolf and freaks out, asking the yogurt worker if werewolves are real or not. He tells them that anything could be possible and that Cory should visit his mother, “Madame Ouspenskaya”.
Madame Ouspenskaya is a “gypsy-fortune teller”, that presides in the back room of the yogurt shop. And she not a very good gypsy, but she manages to hit the nail on the head about Cory. As he gives her more and more money to know about his future, she reveals three things that will happen before he fully transforms into a werewolf.
He will develop a taste for strange things.
The pentagram will appear on his palm
And he will kill the girl who cares for him (9:00).
Cory thinks that he will be okay as no girl cares for him, so he won’t have to worry about a full transformation, and tells her so. She tells him that she is the real deal and that he’s over 20 minutes late to class.
When he gets to class, Shawn wants to know what’s up with him. Cory tries to tell him, but Mr. Turner is upset with his tardiness. He tries writing a note to Shawn but Mr. Turner gets angry at him and asks for the paper. Instead of giving it up, Cory stuffs it in his mouth as he doesn’t want Mr. Turner to find it. That’s when he realizes, it’s the first sign.
He will develop a taste for strange things.
Cory becomes really worried and freaked out. He is acting so strange that Mr. Turner asks him to stay after class. He tries to get Cory to open up, but Cory is too freaked. As they are talking, Cory accidentally picks up Mr. Turner’s keys. That’s when he notices the pentagon keychain in the palm of his hand!!!
2. The pentagram will appear on his palm. (Cory thinks a pentagon it is the same thing as a pentagram.)
Afterwards he is freaking out some more. But then he realizes, he doesn’t have any girl that cares for him!! That means he is saved. He’ll be fine!
As Cory is celebrating Topanga goes over to ask Cory what’s up with him. She tells him she cares for him and will listen to his problems.
Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
Someone cares for him, that means is going to be a WEREWOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Topanga tries to reassure him that she doesn’t “like” him that way, she is just a friend, but it’s too late. Cory believes his fate is sealed. He is going to turn into a werewolf and kill Topanga. Which brings us back to the present.
“Cory Matthews: [writing a letter] So I hope that you will all forgive me, so that I now can escape my destiny. Fondly, Cory A.O. Matthews.
Shawn Hunter: What does A.O. stand for?
Cory Matthews: Ah-ooh.”
He makes Shawn promise to take care of Topanga and take him for walks and stuff.
Topanga comes over anyways, and Cory tries to get rid of her but it doesn’t work.
“Topanga Lawrence: Cory, get a grip. We’re only going to a Halloween party.
Cory Matthews: Yeah, that’s how it starts! Then we get married, have kids, and I eat them!”
To make things worse, Topanga is dressed like a damsel in distress:
He tries to get Topanga to go, but she refuses. Instead she waits with him and it reaches 9:00 Full Moon!
And nothing happens. Nothing at all. It’s just Cory and Topanga
Finally something GOOD!
Cory is so happy that he kisses Topanga!
The next day, Cory finds out that there was no wolf anywhere, it’s been in the Zoo the whole time. Which begs the question…Who bit Cory?
Sound suspicious
It turns out it was just a rabbit. No wolf, just a lil’ ol’ rabbit. But hey Cory, those can be extremely dangerous! Haven’t you ever read Bunnicula?
You mean Halloween might actually be fun this year?
Not exactly Sabrina.
So its Halloween, the Christmas for witches and Sabrina is stoked that she won’t have to go to any big, boring, family party like the year before. Instead her aunts decided that they are all going to stay home this year and relax. Her aunts just bought furniture on sale from the Witches’s Realm and are eager to break them in.
At school, the bane of Sabrina’s existence, Libby is throwing a Halloween bash, only for the “cool” people.
Naturally that means you freaks aren’t invited.
Valerie is upset that she and Sabrina are not invited and spreads around that Sabrina is throwing her own Halloween party that will be cooler than anything Libby does.
Not Valerie always upsetted me. I REALLY don’t like her. I mean they talk about how “insecure” she is but I think she us mean and manipulative. She is always getting Sabrina to do stuff for her, give her things, lend her things, etc; never asking or saying thank you. She is willing to ditch Sabrina anytime if a chance at popularity comes her way. And she committed the ultimate BFF sin, she went on a date with Harvey, Sabrina’s boyfriend. Granted they were on a break, but a true BFF NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER dates her friend’s ex.
So Sabrina doesn’t want to Sa Val or the student body and she really does want to show Libby up so she agrees to do it. She makes her aunts promise that nothing weird will happen but that they will have a normal, mortal, party.
Her aunts are excited and decide to increase their candy corn production.
Even Salem is down, and eager to check out the snacks.
Sadly Harvey can’t come as he is taking his little brother trick or treating. This freaks Sabrina out as she was counting on him being the “cool” person guarenteeed to be there.
To make matters worse it turns out that they have talking furniture. That’s one of the problems with buying other realm items. They can’t return them either, as it is Halloween, and the other realm buisnesses are shut down. They try to put the furniture down in the basement but it turns out they have other realm termites. They leave them upstairs and hope they will be quiet.
Valerie comes over dressed up as a duck.
Unfortunately nobody else does, and Val is so embarrassed she runs upstairs to Sabrina’s room and tries to hide out there. They both have to come down though as the party sucks. No one is having a good time, they can’t use the stereo because the termites at it, and the kettle is producing mass quantities of candy corn.
To make matters even worse Halloween carolers and Sabrina’s quizmaster show up
The “cool crowd” shows up and Sabrina tries to do something to salvage the party. Then everything goes crazy.
Valerie drops through the floor because the termites ate through the wood, the couches start moving and talking, the carolers come in, and a river of candy corn flows through the living room.
Sabrina is at a loss to explain what is going on, but she doesn’t have to. Everyone thinks that Sabrina did it to make her Halloween party one spectacular event. She quickly becomes the toast of the school.
Harvey even shows up after he finishes with his brother. Libby shows up since her party was a washout and Harvey’s brother egged her house. Sabrina finishes the night by zapping in the 10,000 Maniacs.
If you’d like to check it out for yourself, go here.
![Count Dracula: Van Helsing. [Van Helsing turns to face Count Dracula] Count Dracula: Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to your own country. Van Helsing: I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy. Count Dracula: You are too late. My blood now flows through her veins. She will live through the centuries to come, as I have lived. Van Helsing: Should you escape us, Dracula. We know how to save Miss Mina's soul if not her life. Count Dracula: If she dies by day. But I shall see that she dies by night. Van Helsing: And I will have Carfax Abbey torn down, stone by stone, excavated a mile around. I will find your earth-box and drive that stake through your heart. Count Dracula: Come here. [Dracula raises his hand to hypnotise Van Helsing] Count Dracula: Come here...Your will is strong, Van Helsing. [Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him] Count Dracula: More wolfbane? Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count. Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]](https://janeaustenrunsmylife.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/images21.jpeg?w=474)
