If It Means A Lot to You

Audrey Hepburn Music Sabrina

So if you remember my post back in Dec, I’ll Be Alright Without You, I talked about creating a post that listed my favorite songs to help one get over heartache/a breakup; namely what songs really helped me. Well previously I wasn’t in the best place to do it, but now that it has been like eight months since we’ve broken up I’m doing great and can totally handle it.

Pierce the Veil

At least for the most part, like Audrey says in Sabrina, even if you are over things certain songs can bring back memories.

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The other reason that I have decided to do this list is that I just had a friend go through a breakup and was really struggling, so I promised to put together a compilation for her that helped me through everything.

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So actually instead of doing them in all one post, I decided to do a series of posts, weaving them through everything else, so that it isn’t one straight sobfest. I mean imagine trying to storm through constantly sad things?

right in the feels broken heart

After all:

youare

So that brings us to the first song on this list

A Day to Remember

1) If It Means A Lot to You

So when my ex and I first started dating he gave me a bunch of CDs to listen to. And one of them was this CD by A Day to Remember. It was pretty fitting as I was away from Michael and a lot of the songs expressed how I felt about us being apart. In fact I used to listen to this song all the time pre & post-breakup. (I’m not sure if that is romantic or pathetic? Hopefully romantic) So the series is a little scattered, not all songs focus on being “homesick”, however If It Means A Lot to You does. I actually think it is the most powerful song on the whole list, and my favorite (as I connected the most to it).

This song took me the longest to write. It took almost a year, but it was another song that kinda stumped me. I really needed this song to say exactly what I wanted, and I finally got it there. We didn’t know if it would be on the record right up until the end of recording. I wrote it separate from the band, and I wasn’t comfortable changing things. It all worked out in the end, though. I think it’s the perfect end to this record.

                            – Jeremy McKinnon
So the premise of the song is that a guy has to be on the road away from home, and while he doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend, he has to go. He talks about how he knows things are hard and getting rough, but if she could just wait a little longer then he knows everything will be okay, that they will be able to work through everything. She, however, can’t wait. She can’t do it and breaks up with him. It is a heartwrenching song and even more so because it described EXACTLY how I was feeling.
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So the song starts off with the guy singing to the girl that he hopes everything is going well with her and that he just needs to hear from her, anything to get him by the time they are apart. This was totally how I felt, because a few weeks before we broke up Michael stopped texting and calling me. I would ask him when he was free to talk/skype as I missed him and he would tell me he was “busy” ,”didn’t know his schedule”, etc. I mean I found some texts that I thought I deleted, but my phone saved (grr) and its pretty pathetic my responses. “Well just let me know when you are free, I miss you” and “Okay we can try to talk later”, etc. I’d like to say aliens momentarily took over my brain, but that’s not true. It’s hard to accept that someone you cared for and cared for you has just stopped liking you. You kind of go into denial about it. Of course I know now that I’m in my right mind, I should have seen the signs. After all:
Truly Important
So back to the lyrics and the song
And hey darling,
I hope you’re good tonight.
And I know you don’t feel right when I’m leaving.
Yeah, I want it but no, I don’t need it.
Tell me something sweet to get me by,
‘Cause I can’t come back home till they’re singing
La, la la la, la la la,
Till everyone is singing
ADtR
The next part is all about how he knows that if she can just wait a little longer, that he knows everything will work out and be okay. I wasn’t originally going to go home for Thanksgiving break as my aunt was getting married and my whole family was going to the opposite end of the state to do that, and Michael said he couldn’t get the time off to join my family. I however convinced my parents to take me home instead of right back to school as I wanted to see him, as I too thought that if he could wait until I got home we would be able to work through whatever was going on. That everything would be okay.

If you can wait till I get home, 
Then I swear to you that we can make this last. 
(La la la) 
If you can wait till I get home, 
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past. 
Well it might be for the best.
ADTR2

So then we have the girlfriend’s response that she just can’t do it anymore, that she needs him. As much as I hate what she does to the guy at least she gave a reason for why she was breaking up, I just got the “I don’t think you’re my future bride” response, which was like pulling teeth trying to get him to say anything why he broke it off. 

And hey sweetie,
Well I need you here tonight,
And I know that you don’t wanna be leaving me
Yeah, you want it, but I can’t help it.
I just feel complete when you’re by my side,
But I know you can’t come home till they’re singing

La, la la la, la la la,
Till everyone is singing.
La, la la la, la la la.

If you can wait till I get home,
Then I swear to you that we can make this last.
(La la la)
If you can wait till I get home,
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past.
Well it might be for the best.

So in the next part she tells him she can’t wait its over. And he freaks out, like is this really truly happening? How can this be my life? Let me say that everytime I hear that part my heart stops just like when Michael said he wanted it to be over.

Broken HeartAnd he is in shock at how this can acutually be happening. Yep, I felt that too. And just like the singer in this song, I did not want to be “just friends”. I personlly don’t believe and can’t understand how one can go from being so much more to “just friends”? How can you watch the person who just rejected you pick up their life and move on, while you sit in heartbreak and try very slowly to work past the pain? I sure don’t know.

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You know you can’t give me what I need.
And even though you mean so much to me,
I can’t wait through everything,
Is this really happening?
I swear I’ll never be happy again.
And don’t you dare say we can just be friends.
I’m not some boy that you can sway.
We knew it’d happen eventually.

ADTR3

La, la la la, la la la,
Now everybody’s singing.
La, la la la, la la la,
Now everybody’s singing.
La, la la la, la la la,
(If you can wait till I get home)
Now everybody’s singing.
La, la la la, la la la,
(Then I swear we can make this last)
Now everybody’s singing.

La, la la la, la la la,
(If you can wait till I get home)
Now everybody’s singing.
La, la la la, la la la,
(Then I swear we can make this last)
Now everybody’s singing.
La

Now some of you may be wondering why I started off with such a sad song instead of a more empowering or forget you song. Well I believe that you need to allow yourself to grieve the end and that listening to something sad helps make things get better.

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So even though this song (and Hey There Delilah) still make me sad as the feels are just so much, it was still hepful listening to this over and over to help voice my feelings about the breakup.

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 So that’s the first of many songs, and they do get empowering, you just have to wait for it.

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For the next song in the Heartbreak series, go to The End by Silverstein

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Here are some other posts you might interested in:

For more of my favorite songs, go to Once Upon a Time

For more on breakups, go to Unbound (The Wild Ride)

For more on ex-boyfriends, go to Push All the Buttons!

For more on Sarah Dessen, go to Happy B-Day

For a song that describes life, go to Nothing But a Good Time

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A Letter of Love: Persuasion (2007)

Romantic Moment #14

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Persuasion (2007)

So first of all:

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So last year I ended the Romance is in the Air posts with Northanger Abbey. I thought this could become a tradition, always ending on a Jane Austen film. Hmmm…I wonder what next year will bring? Who knows?

Anyways, so two of my favorite Jane Austen books/films are Northanger Abbey and Persuasion. I mean I love the others, but I feel like these two are really forgotten by the fans and never gets any love.  Which is just not fair because they are fantastic books and movies. They deserve fans!!! Love them!

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Okay, let’s step back from the crazy. Sorry.

So Persuasion is a wish fullfillment piece by Jane Austen. Jane fell in love with a rich man from a good family, very Pride & Prejudice, but his family strongly disapproved and took him away from her in order to make sure their attraction didn’t turn into something scandalous like marriage. While Jane had offers from other men, she never stopped loving him and waited for him to come back into her life. (So now that you know this you will understand this movie/book even better.) Another fun,  fun is not the right word let’s go with interesting  an interesting fact, Jane died before this and Northanger Abbey were published so she didn’t name them. Her brother, who had them published, decided what they should be called based on what he thought would be interesting.

So, anyways, the film begins with nineteen-year old Anne Elliot getting engaged (secretly) to young naval officer Frederick Wentworth. However, her mother figure (as her mom is dead) and family friend, Lady Russell, convinces her to end the engagement. She tells her she is too young, that it is risky marrying an officer going off to war, he could die, she could end up a widow, she could be penniless, etc. (Lady Russell brings up some good points, but she also wanted to end the marriage as Anne was a higher station and had more money. She thought Fredrick Wentworth wasn’t good enough for her Anne.) Anne really values Lady Russell’s opinion and breaks off the engagement, even though it breaks her heart and she regrets it everyday.

Fast forward eight years and things have drastically changed. Anne’s father, Sir Walter, and older sister, Elizabeth, have squandered A LOT of the family fortune on their vanity. Anne tried to reign in the spending, but no one would listen as her sister has the position of running the home (that is until she is married). They now have to lease out their home and reside somewhere else. And just who should be living in their home, Admiral Croft and Mrs. Croft. Mrs. Croft just happens to be Frederick Wentworth’s sister. And to even add to it, her brother has had an increase in his fortunes. He made so much money in maritime victories during the Napoleonic wars. (He had no one to live for so he took A LOT of risks and they paid, boy did they pay.) He also was promoted to Captain.

Her father and sister leave for Bath, where they will be spending the season. Anne goes to see her bratty, hypochondriac, annoying, selfish, younger, sister, Mary. (As you can tell I don’t like her.) Mary is married to Charles Musgrove, a guy who wanted to marry Anne but she turned down as she still loved Frederick. He then married his sister to spite her, and spent the rest of his life (and family’s life) regretting that choice. Mary lives nearby the old Elliot homestead, so wouldn’t you know it, she runs into Frederick several times.

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To make matters worse, Frederick is so hurt and still heartbroken that he just ignores her and won’t say anything. This pains Anne as she still loves him and is just bursting to tell him how she feels but scared. And then to further rub salt in the wound, Charles’ younger, pretty, single, sisters are both making a play for him.

ouch

And not only does he like it (of course, duh); but he totally plays it up in front of her. Just like a guy.

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Although I totally get what he’s doing. I mean she turned him down and didn’t do it in the best way. He started thinking she was only interested in the fact that he had no money, otherwise a “Good Charlotte Witch“.

Anyways, so the rest of the family has no clue what happened between Anne and Capt. Wentworth. So they purposely keep trying to bring Wentworth over. The one sister, Henrietta, stops her flirtations with Wentworth as her cousin is deeply into her. Everyone believes that Wentworth will ask for Louisa’s hand, but he still hasn’t gotten over Anne, but is just trying to get at her.

The whole family decides to travel down to Lyme Regis, with Wentworth to visit his friend,  Captain Harville and Captain James Benwick. Benwick recently lost his fiancé, the sister of Harville, and is stilll grieving her. He loves poetry and he and Anne become close. People start speculating about more happening between them, which does not make Wentworth happy.  Anne also attracts the attention of the Elliots’ long-estranged cousin, and her father’s heir, William Elliot. Also disturbing Wentworth.

Jealous

Things change when Louisa suffers from a fall and gets a serious concussion, because of her stubborn behavior (she’s the girl that does whatever she wants). Anne is the only able to keep her head and assist her. The Musgroves care for her and Anne goes to Bath. Captain Wentworth faces the fact that when Louisa recovers he may be tied to her forever, which is something he is not so sure he wants to do.

In Bath, Anne finds out that her father and Mr. Elliot, her cousin, have fixed their relationship. Elizabeth assumes that he wishes to court her while Lady Russell more correctly suspects that he admires Anne.  Anne doesn’t really like Mr. Elliot, she feels like something is not right about him and tries to avoid him as much as possible.

Admiral Croft, having heard a rumour of Mr. Elliot’s proposal to Anne, sends Wentworth to ask Anne if she and her new husband require them to quit Kellynch Hall. Anne informs Wentworth that Admiral Croft has been  misinformed.

24629465There’s hope!

Soon the Crofts, Musgroves, Benwick, Harville, Wentworth, etc; the whole crew comes to Bath. Louisa is engaged, but not to Wentworth, but Benwick. Wentworth is not happy about Mr. Elliot’s attentions to Anne, not at all. Anne also goes to visit her friend, Mrs. Smith, who is a struggling widow. She tells Anne that Mr. Elliot is not a nice guy at all. He has been so determined to inherit everything that he has been going after Sir Walter’s love interest in order to ensure he doesn’t remarry and have a son. Anne is shocked, but it reaffrims her feelings of mistrust toward him.

Wentworth is moved by what he overhears Anne says about women never giving up their feelings of love even when all hope is lost. This makes him brave enough to share his feelings and he writes her a letter telling her how he feels.  Anne recieves the letter and runs after Wentworth, there he proposes and she accepts. We fast forward, and Wentworth is surprising Anne with a gift. It’s her old house!

Most Romantic Moment: 

He writes one of the most beautiful letters ever! Now the thing I really love about Persuasion is you can just feel for the characters, everyone has experienced rejection and heartbreak; and the hardest thing can be trying to put yourself out there. So we have Wentworth who loved Anne, had his heart thrown through a shedder. He realizes that he loves Anne, but should he say something? Does she still love him? Is she angry over the way he treated her? Has she moved on? Will she reject him again? This has to be one of the bravest and romantic things ever.

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in

F. W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father’s house this evening or never. 

So romantic!

So romantic!

That is so romantic, just laying everything out like that. He totally threw caution aside and just told her everything.

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So romatic! And that is just one of the best ways to try and win a girl back. Conclusion:

BoysinBksSo now because it is my blog, and I want to, I am going to review my favorite parts of the letter.

You pierce my soul

not too late

offermyheart

lovedyou

For you alone

A word look

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So that ends this Valentine countdown. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday whether you are single or in a relationship. Eat lots of candy, wear red, watch sappy movies; that’s what I’ll be doing. 😀

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For more Persuasion go to A Frederick Wentworth Sighting, Let’s Hear it for the Boysand On the 10th Day ‘Til Christmas

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In other news:

Yay!

 

For the 100th post, go to Wanna Grow Old With You: The Wedding Singer (1998)

For the 300th post, go to That’s What You Get

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The End: Goodbye Michael, Goodbye

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All things must come to an end. And as stated before, my relationship with Michael has ended and with that any more posts about him. It’s time to fully move on. We had the Verne Saga, the Michael Drama, and now its time to move onto something completely new.

It’s hard to fully move on as I was counting down the days until I would see him again and couldn’t wait until I was home and could spend time with him. I was totally the guy in If It Means A Lot to Youor All My Lovin“. There are some days when I do great, and others when all I can think of is what could have been, what I could be doing with him. Some days I feel very much like Shawn Spencer in the Psych episode “Right Turn or Left For Dead“.

what-not-to-say-to-broken-hearted-girl-3what went wrong holiday

The hardest thing is not knowing exactly what happened that made him change his feelings for me. I keep contrasting the old Michael; (the Michael that played the piano for me, would text me cute things, the one that had to see me so much that he skyped me on his vacation, who spent all his evenings and some days with me, was waiting for the right moment to kiss me, who was excited to take me out on a “real” date, the guy who I had trouble getting him to stop talking to me on the phone); to the Michael that started ignoring me, and was so emotionally detached and standoffish. I just don’t know what happened.

Endings

I mean I was terrified to try a long-distance relationship as I thought it wouldn’t work out, but he was so secure and sure, he made me believe it and I don’t know what made him change his mind.

I went and returned some of his stuff and asked him what happened, but he wouldn’t answer me until I harshly pressed him. He told me that 1) I wasn’t the person he wanted to marry. This really threw me as matrimony was the furthest thing from my mind. I mean we had only  been dating 5 months of which only 2 did we interact everyday with each other (the other 3 we were apart), and I think that is waaaay  too short a time to be thinking of marriage. There was still so much we needed to learn about each other. We needed time to grow our relationship and be a couple before marriage could even be thrown on the table. I mean, how could he even know with that short of time? At the beginning of our relationship I mentioned that so many of my friends were getting married and having babies and that I was no where near ready for that anytime soon. I mean if he really wanted to get married, wouldn’t he have just have not dated me? I mean we talked about HIMYM and I told him how Ted’s constant falling in love and trying to marry girls who did not want to be married constantly annoyed me, and he agreed with me.  I know I never tried to pressure him into thinking we had to get engaged. I never even tried to pressure him into saying I love you. I never asked for a promise ring or any jewelry. I really feel that this is a copout.

He also told me that 2)”we were too different”. I don’t know why he would say that, as in the summer we “were so much alike“. I tried to press him on what was different and he couldn’t give any definite answer just kept repeating “we are too different”. I don’t understand what was so different; we both are human, grew up in church, lived in the same town, have suffered from addictions, are the youngest in our families, have similar morals, beliefs, values, and political thoughts/ideologies; loved to read similar stuff, watch the same type of movies, etc. I mean I don’t drink, but that’s not like I  judge anyone who does. I don’t have tattoos, but I never said anything about his other than when I said that the process looked extremely painful. I don’t know what he thought I wouldn’t be able to understand or empathize.

 He also said 3) he was  too aloof for me, and I demanded too much of his time. All I was asking for was 20mins a week to talk or skype, some texting, and seeing him once a month when I visited home. I don’t know where he will find any girl less dependent or consuming of one’s time. I actually don’t mind spending time by myself and doing my own thing, I missed him though and wanted to be with him. Besides when I was there this summer not only did he tell me how he hated being alone (kinda cancels out being aloof) but he spent practically every day with me, and I did not force him to do that.
I feel like the song The End” by Silverstein, “you broke my heart, you promised me the moon and stars. I fell for your dreams. I fell for your lies.”
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He told me so many things and I believed him. He talked about our future, making plans, and he didn’t come through. And the worst thing of all, he knew he wanted to break up with me, but didn’t have the courage to say anything. He lead me on. He allowed me to think nothing was wrong and let me plan spending my winter break with him. I searched for a perfect Christmas present for him, and when I texted him I had it, he already knew that he had no plans to spend Christmas with me. He knew that my Grandfather died and he said nothing. Any decent person would be there for someone who was hurting, but he just ignored me and my pain. It wasn’t immediate but for a while I just wanted to slap him or hit him. The song “Blow” by Atreyu describes how I felt about him.
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But now I’ve gotten past that. I’ve forgiven him for what he did and how he hurt me. I really cared about him, and as pathetic as it might sound to some, I genuinely hope that he finds happiness, and someone to care about him as much as I did. I actually am starting to feel bad for him, as I know that I will find someone else who will treat me how I deserve, but he will have lost out on me. He’ll never find another girlfriend who didn’t care about his past, only the present and future. One who never pressed him about things in the past he didn’t want to discuss, but waited until he wanted to share. Who didn’t care that he couldn’t take her on a “real date” as she didn’t care about money but spending time with him. Who never judged or criticized him. Who always supported and encouraged him. Who sent him care packages, even though she was the one that was “away”. He will never find someone who will listen to all his hurts and insercurties and do everything in her power to make sure that she doesn’t contribute to them, but try and help him overcome them. I mean at times I felt like telling him that I had other guys very interested in me, but I knew he had previous relationships were the girls broke his trust and I didn’t want to to that. He will never, ever, ever, find a girl who when they broke up never told him about the hurt and bitterness he caused her, but tried to encourage him all the way in the end, sharing instead all the things she loved about him. Who told him that she loved him, not as a ploy to get back together or make him feel guilty, but because she did and because she honestly wished for his happiness. What can I say, I’m one in a million and he is going to miss out on me.
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It’s funny, because when we started our relationship it reminded me of Lloyd and Diane from Say Anything. Michael was Lloyd, very adorable, easygoing, friendly, impulsive, full of life experiences, etc. And I was a much nicer version of the more structured, focused, not as socially experienced, more of a loner Diane. But somewhere along the way, I became Lloyd, and Michael Diane. Just like in the film,  something happenedc to change how Michael/Diane felt about the relationship, and instead of talking about it  they decided to break it off. Like Lloyd, I did a final move, although not nearly as epic as his boombox move. I was working on a CD to tell Michael how I felt about him as I was planning on dropping the L-Bomb on our fifth anniversary. We broke up two weeks before that, and I was going to delete the playlist, but finished and dropped it off asking him to just listen to it. He told me once that he always listens to any CD given to him twice, and I hope he listens to this one as nothing could better describe how I felt about him.
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Now not everything was bad about what happened. I’ve always been afraid of commitment and allowing someone into that space of my life and with Michael I learned how to care, trust, and let down emotional walls. And except for the last three weeks of our relationship (when he started to ignore me), Michael was a pretty great boyfriend. He really made my summer special and I am so thankful for that, as it is the best summer I’ve ever had. I also found out that I am capable of long-distance relationships, as I never thought I would be able to. But I cared about him so deeply that while the distance was long and sad at times, it was worth it. And it was nice having a very intelligent, funny, attractive, sweet guy as my boyfriend, as short as it was. Plus he introduced me to some great bands. I’ve always liked all types of music (besides rap), but most of my musical knowledge ends in 1989, and he opened me up to some great stuff. I love A Day to Remember, Silverstein, Atreyu, Chiodos, Three Days Grace, My Chemical Romance, Streetlight Manifestoand Avenged Sevenfold. I found a a7x sweater in a thrift store and almost bought it, but it was white and I always ruin my white sweaters. 😦 He had been lending me his CDs to check out the music, and I  (of course) had to return them to him. I then went to the library and put holds on everything they had from these bands.

It’s been about a month since we broke up and still hurts. This describes perfectly how I feel.

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I know I’ll find someone else and I won’t settle for anything less than a Lloyd, Mr. Tilney, or  any of the amazing men in my Romance is in the Air series (or part II). I’ll be okay. The hardest thing is that there was this guy Martin who liked me when I was dating Michael, and when I let him know I had a boyfriend he backed off. As soon as he found out Michael and I broke up, he immediately upped his game. All the attention, the flirting he’s doing, etc.; hurts. It’s not coming from who I wanted it to be from. But in time I know I will heal. It won’t be easy, but I know I’ll come through this okay.

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