I Can’t Pretend, I Have to Be: Casual Sex? (1988)

Most Romantic Moment #1

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So you are probably wondering what am I doing watching this movie, well it wasn’t really the one I wanted. You see I was at Big Lots and they were having a 20% everything sale. That sounded great to me, so I went and looked around. I found a DVD set for $4, of which three were Michael J. Fox films and the other two were ones I had never heard of.

AWESOME!!!

AWESOME!!!

Well you all know how I feel about Michael J. Fox

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I love him, so this seemed like a deal too good to pass up.

So my friend and I were watching some of the films, when we decide to check out this one, Casual Sex?, as we both like Lea Thompson.

I have to admit this movie surprised me a lot. It was rated “R” but didn’t really show anything, you know nothing like Game of Thrones, and actually dealt with the issues of sex. How you can get diseases, pregnant, sometimes the person just wants you for the sex, how sometimes you get involved with a person and they turn out to be nothing like you expect; and how hard it can be to meet anyone whether you desire sex or a relationship. It was pretty good.

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So the film is about two women, Stacey and Michelle, who have not had the best luck in love.

ouch Hermione

Stacey is constantly falling for artists, of which she not only changes herself for them but they always leave her in the lurch.

Melissa has only been with two men, and the second one, her ex-fiancé broke up with her as he was “going through a selfish phase.” Ugh, Men.

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The girls decide to leave the LA area and head on some kind of getaway in hopes to meet the perfect man.

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They decide to head to a health spa in which they meet a variety of possibilities. There is Vinny “the Vin Man” from New Jersey who hits on everybody and is always talking about his “attributes.”

Person hate talking

Jamie, one of the spa workers who seems sweet and caring:

You're so cute

Matthew, a psychologist, who is looking for material for his newest book on psycho-sexual tendencies of pre-menopausal females.

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And Nick, a fitness instructor who dreams of becoming a rock star.

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Will the girls find the man of their dreams? Or will they be disappointed once again?

NevermeetamanIcouldLove

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Most Romantic Moment: From Vin Man to Vincent

So the most romantic moment comes from the most unlikely source, Vincent otherwise known as Vinny or the Vin Man.

Vincent is from New Jersey, a pre Michael “The Situation”. He is gross, annoying, and just doesn’t understand that women are not interested in crudity.

Men

Men

However, as he keeps striking out with the women, one of the spa instructors gives him a book, The Pretend You’re Sensitive Handbook.

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He tries it out on Stacey, but as she has her own stuff going on she wants nothing to do with it.

Vinny: Stacy, how nice to see you. Do you have a few minutes? I mean, it occurred to me, I don’t even know where you work.

Stacy: Where I work?

Vinny: Yeah, you know, your career plans, your dreams, your aspirations… I really want to hear all about them.

Stacy: What I want? I don’t even know — ask me what anyone else wants. Give me three seconds, I’ll figure out your whole entire life.

Vinny: Would you maybe want to share something with me about your childhood, perhaps?

Stacy: Vinny, what the hell are you talking about? I’m in a big rush. Look, I have to go talk to Melissa, because if I don’t figure out something about my life soon, I’m going to crack!

Vinny: I respect your strength, Stacy, and I think you’ve got a lot of potential!

After striking out once again, Vinny runs to the spa instructor and tells him that he can’t do this. He can’t pretend, he has to be it. He decides to leave, catching a ride with Stacey to the bus stop. There we see a look at the real Vinny as he asks Stacey for advice. He wants to have a real relationship with a woman; like a friendship but more, but doesn’t know what to do. What do women want?

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She doesn’t have the answers and drops him off at the bus station. We think that is the last of him, but then we are given this surprise.

Stacy: [reading] ‘Dear Stacy, I hope you don’t mind me writing to you…

 Yes, Vinny writes Stacy a letter and tells her about how his life has been changing. He wants to be a different person, but no more pretending, he’s going all the way. He starts reading books,

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Cooking, changing his wardrobe to more appropriate clothing (and no more super “Vs” showing off the chest,

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Giving up all those aspects of the Vin Man and transforming himself, from the inside out, into a new person, Vincent.

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The sweetest, most romantic thing about this is that he made all these changes on his own, no “promise of getting the girl”, no other motivation than he wanted to be better and strove for it, turning himself from jerk to heartthrob. And once he feels his change is complete, he travels from Jersey to LA to see Stacy and prove that he is not only a new man, but ready for a real relationship.

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swoon dreamy

What a guy!

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For more Valentine’s posts, go to Now That I’ve Met You, I Can’t Imagine Life Without You: Sabrina (1954)

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For more ’80s films, go to We’re in the Future: Goodbye 2015

For more Jane Austen quotes, go to We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Love Makes You Do Crazy Things: Hercules (1997)

Romantic Moment #8

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Hercules (1997)

Hercules (1997) is based on the greek myths but given a Disneyian twist. This is one of my favorite Disney films as it is fun, hilarious, and has an awesome collection of songs.

In this story, Zeus and Hera are the parents of Hercules. When he is born they have a huge party, give him lots of gifts, like a pegasus, and have everyone come. Unbeknownst to the happy couple, Zeus’ brother Hades, lord of the Underworld, wants to dethrone him and take over Olympus and the world. He meets with the Fates and discovers that his plans will work out in 18 years as he will be able to release the titans. Only one problem…Hercules. If he fights, game over for Hades. So Hades hatches a plot to poison Hercules and make him mortal. Hades’ minions give Hercules the potion, but fail to give him every last drop, making him mortal but leaving him with super strength. Hercules is found by an old couple who were unable to have children. The couple see him as a gift from the gods and raise him.

Fast forward through the years and Hercules is a teenager. He doesn’t have very many friends and people don’t really like him as he doesn’t know how to control his strength and causes a lot of damage, all on accident. After a truly horrible mishap, Hercules’ parents tell him the truth about how they found him. Hercules travels to Zeus’ Temple in order to ask for guidance and discovers that Zeus is his father! Zeus tells him that he was stolen as a child, made mortal, and cannot return to Olympus until he becomes a “true hero”. Zeus sends him to Philoctetes, a satyr, to train him.

Hercules spends a long time training on Philoctetes’ island. As they are heading to Thebes, to put his training to good use, they make a stop to help out a damsel, Megra or Meg. Meg doesn’t want his help as she feels she isn’t really a damsel in distress.

BoyMeetsWorld Topanga Damsel in distress not distress

But Hercules helps her out anyway. After he leaves, we discover that Meg is working with Hades. When Hades finds out that Hercules is alive he makes it his mission to send every kind of creature he can to him in order to utterly destroy Hercules.

After Hades runs out of creatures and as the time is getting close, he decides to try something new. He promises to free Meg from her contract with him, IF she can discover Hercules’ weakness. So Meg goes out with Hercules. Through their time together she discovers that she is starting to have feelings for him, after she said she would never love again.

Hades figures out that Hercules feels the same way about Meg and uses it to his advantage. Hades chains Meg up in order to get Hercules to agree to give up his strength for 24 hours, all the time Hades needs to take over Olympus. Now it’s up to Hercules to figure out how to get his powers back and help save the world.

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********Most Romantic Moment********

For me the most romantic moment happens after Hercules has traded his powers. The trade was that as long as Meg is safe, Hercules is super strength free. So Hercules finds himself a mere man while the whole area is in peril from Titans. Hades especially sends a cyclops to ensure that Hercules is taken out. As Hercules trips the cyclops in order to destroy it, the cyclops accidentally knocks over some columns. As one is heading for him, Meg pushes him out of the way and gets hit with it; sacrificing herself for him and breaking his contract with Hades.

Perfect!

Perfect!

Now I know most people who have seen this movie would think that the scene when Hercules offers his life for Meg or refuses Olympus to be with Meg as more romantic, but I disagree. You see both of those actions were perfectly normal and ordinary for Hercules. He was a sweet and really nice guy. Everything he did, he always did for other people, hardly thinking of himself. That’s the type of person he is.

Now with Meg, her sacrifice is HUGE!!! First, we have to back up and tell her story. So she sold her soul to Hades in order to help her boyfriend. Now we don’t know exactly why, as the writers don’t go into it, but for her to sell her soul you know that her boyfriend has something really bad going down. Death, imprisonment, etc. Had to be some hardcore stuff.

So after she sells her soul to save him he dumps her for another woman!

Say What

I know what a jerk!

Jerk

She SOLD HER SOUL!!!!

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So after all that she decided she will never love again.

HeartHurtsDon'tKnowCanDoAgainHeartbroken

Afterwards she became sarcastic, cold-hearted, and uncaring. Set on doing her own thing, no matter what situation she gets into. She thinks that’s the end of the story. No more love and no more heart, but she’s wrong.

LoveBrokenHeart

So meets Hercules and he is nothing like she has ever seen. At first she thinks it is all an act and doesn’t trust him, but after encountering him multiple times she starts to like him. And is actually pretty nice to him. She takes him out on Hades’ command and tries to get the dirt on him, but finds nothing. And by the end of it, if she had found out anything she  never would have told Hades anyway.

HeartBrokenNotGone

By the time she realizes the mistake she made, it’s too late. Hades has used her in his plot. Meg tries to warn Hercules, but is unable to. When Hades reveals how she worked for him, Meg knows that it’s over and she has no hope of changing any of it. She could just leave, she could just walk away, but she stays with him because she loves him and cares for him. She willingly lays down her life to save him knowing they had zero future, but doing it anyway because she loves and cares for him.

HerculesMegPeopleDoCrazyThingsWhenThey'reinLove

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To start Romance is in the Air: Part III from the beginning, go to I Can See Your Beauty: The Breakfast Club (1985)

For the previous post, go to You Look Beautiful Just the Way You Are: How to Marry a Millionaire (1953)

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For more on Hercules, go to Snakes on a Post: Chinese New Year

For more Disney, go to Short But Sweet: Up (2009)

For more of my favorite quotes, go to Shall We Dance?: What Happens in Vegas (2008)

For more on the All-American Rejects, go to I Don’t Wanna Be in Love (Dance Floor Anthem)

For more Boy Meets World, go to Simply Fantastic

For more Home Alone 2, go to 25 More Films of Christmas

The Final Chapter

So if you have been following my blog you probably wonder why my attitude from my ex went from I’m happy it’s over to he’s a cheating, lying,

wordICan't say Toy Story

Some of you are probably like that is every relationship, but no that’s not the reason. Let me back up and just give you who are new to following a brief recap.

So my ex and I broke up last year and it was not the best ending for me. You see I was away at school and we were trying to make a long-distance relationship work.

longdistancenicholassparks

I had thought things were fine, until Michael, my ex started talking to me less and less. I went down to see him and he took an extra shift. When I was coming back for Thanksgiving he wasn’t sure he would be able to fit me in.

Now for all you people (and me now) it is clear that this guy was obviously moving on from me. But of course, I didn’t see it as:

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So he was talking to me less and less and I was just so confused by it.

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My grandfather died, and still barely any peep from him. I know, my grandfather dies and he can’t see me or comfort me. What a major loser, am I right?

Jerk

So I go surprise attack him and see him, trying to get an answer out of him why he was so distant. Did he even want to stay together? You know, the usual questions. I mean I was so confused and unhappy and emotional, I just wanted the truth. We ended up breaking up. Now at first I was completely heartbroken, and there are earlier posts which detail that phase of my life.

HeartHurtsDon'tKnowCanDoAgainHeartbroken

In fact I stupidly blamed myself for most of it. Maybe if I had done this differently or this we would still be together.

what-not-to-say-to-broken-hearted-girl-3what went wrong holiday

Luckily, I eventually realized it wasn’t all my fault, in fact I was a great girlfriend. I sent him care packages, I treated him wonderfully and he was the one who was acting wrong and not like a boyfriend at all. I mean I got hit on by tons of guys and could have cheated on him or passed him up for someone “better”, but I didn’t as I really cared about him. I’m not gonna lie, it took a while, but I eventually got over him.

Miss you less sweeney-todd-sweeney-todd-23636342-500-270

I realized that breaking up was better than being in a relationship that was becoming non-existent.

EndingisBetterThanPending

I mean he couldn’t even get up the balls to break up with me. Like what was he expecting me to do  over Christmas break? Never come around?

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But then I found out something. You see, Michael was cheating on me those past few months of our relationship. When I found that out I was incensed! I wanted to hurt him so bad!

broken-heart-breakYouPatrick

I was seriously angry. I would imagine myself going and punching his lights out.

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I really wanted to make him pay. In fact it took every ounce of my will to not go to his work and teach him a lesson.

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Now some of you this might seem a normal response, but for those of you who are shocked or appalled at my confession, let me tell you why this rankled me so much. You see I have always vetted the guys I date very throughly, so much that many don’t make it far with me. Yes, I’m picky but I just don’t want any old boy.

HighstandardsExtraordinary

And I had allowed Michael to get farther than any other boy had. I became his girlfriend, which is something I had always stayed away from becoming as I was always afraid of picking the wrong guy. With Michael, I didn’t think we were soul mates or meant to be together forever, but he just seemed so right.

he gets me

Only for me to find out I was dead wrong. Extremely wrong. You see when he asked me to be his girlfriend I told him I had three rules he had to agree to for me to say yes. The first was to NEVER, EVER cheat on me. Cheating is just a horrible thing to do as it screws people up for a long time. Second to call or skype me once a week, and third visit me at least once a semester. He agreed, especially to the first rule as he had been cheated on before and knew what it felt like.

That horrible guy!

GoldenGirlsEat&DieTrash

How could he treat me like that if he knew how it felt! I was enraged! But slowly, I got over it.

Bandaid

It sucks that the first guy I gave my heart to turned out to be such a Wickham:

Darcy Wickham Pride&Prejudice

But I’m not going to let him have any more power over my life. I already wasted time thinking, crying, plotting revenge, etc on him.

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It sucks that he turned out to be such a rotter, but that’s life right? You can’t protect yourself from everything.

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Bitterness, resentment, and revenge may seem like your best friends, but they really aren’t doing you any favors.

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After all, they’ve already misused you, why let them continue that. It is always better to move on.

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And I’m not letting that guy hurt me anymore. After all I got the best deal. I love his family, and they still love me. Plus I’m amazing! Eventually, maybe not anytime soon, but one day he’ll realize what a catch I was and kick himself for letting me get away! Your loss!

yourloss

And someone else’s gain.

And you are out of my thoughts forever.

I don't need you

And that would be the end of the post, except for one thing. I did see him again. And no I didn’t hit him or injure him.

You see every year my family goes to see the free Christmas play in town. And this year guess who had the lead? Michael.

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Grab your torches and sharpen your pitchforks!

No I’m kidding. It actually wasn’t that bad. I saw his relatives again who I absolutely adore. I saw him and to be honest I didn’t care. I will admit that at one time the urge to kick him really hard came over me:

KickShin

But it was a really small urge.

In fact seeing him again, I actually wasn’t impressed. No heartfelt longing to get back together. No breaking down and crying. In fact, nothing at all.

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Now some of you might be wondering why I haven’t said anything about the girl he cheated on me with. I don’t really feel as if I can say anything because I don’t really know her role in this. Did she know he had a girlfriend? Did she try purposely to break us up? And to be honest, if she was actively involved than she is a horrible person, as scamming on somebody else’s person is just down right low. But, the person in the relationship is more at fault as they should know better.

And you know what, whoever is at fault, they’re going to get what’s coming to them. What goes around comes around. I don’t have to settle the score as someone else will. What’s important is to concentrate on me, and the next phase of my life.

Some of you may think, that’s a lot of personal information. Aren’t I worried if the guy finds out and reads it? Well, first of all:

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And secondly, if he wanted me to say something nice, he should have been nicer.

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Now I’m planning this to be the very last post on my ex, I’m not planning on seeing him ever, and I don’t think I will write another thing on him. Now think is the operative word as every time I thought the Verne Saga was over, he would come around again.

So I am going to end this last ex post with something I want you all to remember. If you have ever been hurt by someone, let it go and never, ever let it take over your life or destroy your personality.

HeartneverhardensCharlesDickens

Stay golden!

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For more musings of me, go to Concentrated Awesome

For more on getting over a broken heart, go to If It Means A Lot to You

For more on Nicholas Sparks, go to I Don’t Want to Be in Love (Dance Floor Anthem)

For more on Sarah Dessen, go to I Will Survive

For more on Steve Maraboli, go to Love Will Find a Way

For more of my favorite quotes, go to The Many Reincarnations of Me

Oh NO YOU DIDN’T!

So when someone says something bad about us, we as people tend to get angry.

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We want to make that person pay. We want them to suffer.

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Grab your torches and sharpen your pitchforks!

And that explains how Elizabeth felt after Darcy dissed her at the ball.

You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room,’ said Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

‘Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I have ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you.’ [said Mr. Bingley]

‘Which do you mean?’ and turning round he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said: ‘She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me…”

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What a jerk!!!

How rude

How could he say that? Loser!

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This part of the book always strikes a deep chord with me. Once when I was in middle school I was sitting a bit away from these two boys and accidentally overheard their conversation. Elijah and Kevin were discussing different girls at the school and rating their “hotness level”. Elijah had a girlfriend but Kevin was “on the prowl”. Elijah brought up my name and Kevin said “Nah, all the girls in this school are WAY hotter than her.”

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I was crushed. Utterly upset at what he had said.

Words-Hurt sticks and stones break bones

And it took a while to get over.
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At the time I did nothing. I was a preteen and very vulnerable. Today I think I would have handled it differently. Either:

PridePrejudiceDon'tTemptmeOr:

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Just kidding about the second one. I wouldn’t get into a real fight, instead a verbal beatdown.

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Anyways, I didn’t deal with the situation with the best aplomb. I was angry and upset and wanted to make Kevin suffer.

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I got my payback at a school dance a year later. Kevin had changed his mind about me and was interested, but I didn’t have any of that. He asked me to a school dance and I turned him down, meanly.

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Revenge completed.

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I have to admit that Elizabeth handled the whole situation way better than me and you have to give her major props. It must be so hard to hear yourself compared to your sister constantly in your own home, but out in public? To hear other guys say you aren’t as hot?

ouch Hermione

I mean people want to hear that they are the good-looking ones.

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But Elizabeth is one classy woman. Instead of striking against him, being rude or hurtful; she just let’s it roll of her back.

“Elizabeth remained with no very cordial feelings toward him. She told the story, however, with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, playful disposition, which delighted in anything ridiculous.”

classy Lady

And that is just one of the many reasons why Elizabeth is a totally awesome person.

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For more on Pride & Prejudice, go to Opening With…

For more on Elizabeth, go to First Impressions

For more on revenge, go to All I Know About Trilogies is That in the Third One, All Bet are Off

For more of my favorite quotes, go to The Little Moreland

Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

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You forgot the first rule of remakes, Jill. Don’t f*** with the original!

If only Wes had followed his own advice.

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I wish they hadn’t messed with the original. This movie sucked.

Bad Sequels psycho-1960-alfred-hitchcock-janet-leigh-pic-21

Just plain horrible. You see this all happened because everyone wanted to make another film after Scream 3. Wes told them he wouldn’t, unless the script was as good as the original film. Unfortunately, those dunderheads thought that meant they needed to do a horrible remake of the first amazing film.

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For those of you just tuning in, this is the last of our Screamtastic Saturdays. Every Saturday this month I reviewed one of the Scream films. To read about them before you start this one, go to Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3

Now as you can tell I didn’t enjoy this one. As I watched this film I took a lot of notes on my feelings, A LOT. I’m just going to write them verbatim.

So let’s get started on this travesty…

I don't wanna

I don’t wanna

So the film starts out with two girls (Lucy Hale and Shenae Grimes) hanging out discussing horror films and stuff. One of them has a facebook stalker. It turns out to be ghostface who stabs and kills them both.

Ghostface attacks!

Ghostface attacks!

1&2

Victims 1&2

But wait…

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It turns out that its not real. It is the opening scene from the film Stab 6 that two girls are watching. (Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell).

So that’s the first problem of this film. It was so dripped in big name actors that it was impossible to get into. I mean the original had famous actors too, but this was tooooo jam packed. It’s too much, far too much.

Darcy P&P OMG Can't Even

So Anna Paquin talks too much during the movie that Kristen Bell kills her.

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I know Kristen Bell? Whatever.

3

Body #3

Just kidding

Psych!GameofthronesSyke

Yep, it’s just another fakeout. It’s Stab 7  that Julie from Friday Night Lights, I mean Jenny (Aimee Teagarden) and her friend Marnie are watching. After that Jenny goes upstairs to get something, and instead prank calls her friend. The “real” Ghostface comes in and kills Marnie, with Jenny right behind her.

Victim 4 & 5

Victim 4 & 5

And here we have another garage scene that is improbable. I’m telling you, any automatic garage door will not be able to kill someone. They design the mechanisms so that if there is something underneath them, it will cause them to be incapable of being squished.

Duh!

Duh!

And the other problem with this scene is the fact that having two fakeouts was too many. After the two psych-outs, I was not attached to the characters as I was just expecting them to die. It wasn’t scary, mysterious, funny, or good. It was just bad. Bad, bad, bad. Plain ol’ lazy writing. Come on Wes, you’re better than this. This is reverting back not evolving.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

So this film, and the first scene, take place 10 years after “The Woodsboro Massacre” or the amazing phenomenon known as Scream. Deputy Dewey is now Sheriff and married to Gale Weathers. Gale has stopped reporting and turned to writing fiction. Sidney has written a book on her experiences and is on tour. In fact, she has just arrived in Woodsboro. And Randy is dead.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Still not over that.

We then see the horrible Emma Roberts getting picked up for school. I hate Emma Roberts. She has no talent whatsoever. She always seems as if she is acting, so I never believe that she is whatever “character” she is playing. She’s like a block of wood. I think she is secretly a robot as she never gives any emotion. None whatsoever. She’s proof that just because one family member has talent, doesn’t mean the rest do.

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I bet she is the killer. She’s all I hate Sidney.  Blah, blah blah…

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Anyways, Jill (Emma Roberts) is being picked up by her friends Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) and Olivia (Marielle Jaffe). Now who are these girls trying to fool? There is no way these girls are in high school they look sooo OLD.

I mean Roberts could pass for 19 at the youngest, but Panettiere and Jaffe? They are clearly are late 20s heading for their thirties. I’m looking it up now…let’s see…Roberts was 20 at the time, Panettiere was 22, and Jaffee was also 22. Okay so they weren’t as old as I thought they were, although they look it. I mean it’s laughable how they think they could pass off people so old as high school students.

Jill and Olivia receive texts from Jenny and Marnie, even though they aren’t close friends or anything…and the two girls are dead (although no one has discovers it yet. Speaking of which where were the parents during all of this? Why weren’t they with their kid? How come it took someone so long to discover the body? Come on now!)

Wes also has a love affair in this film with fake jumps. It’s like every five seconds. Seriously, just stop.

Stop stop it now!

At the station Sheriff Dewey gets called on the scene and I notice something here Wes. Yes…yes…it appears that Dewey no longer suffers from a limp. I see, I see. Dewey  gets to be limp free WHILE RANDY IS DEAD??!!

800__shadow_of_a_doubt_blu-ray_04_intense stare angry upset mad creep

Never letting that one go. Moving on.

So Sheriff Dewey is called on the scene and he knows, he just knows

RIP Randy! Love you forever!!!!!!!

RIP Randy! Love you forever!!!!!!!

So as Sheriff Dewey is looking around, one of his deputies calls him Sheriff Riley. And I was like Whaaaaaaat????? Dewey has a last name?

phil first name agent Avengers phil coulson tony stark pepper potts

Sorry. Back to the film.

So then we zoom to the high school were we have Hollywood’s version of high school students. You know horribly unrealistic and clichéd to the farthest ranges of the imagination. Because in Hollywood:

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Yep, enter super nerd who has a computer hooked up to his headphones so he can blog every moment of his life.

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Really Wes? Have you been to a school and seen real nerds? They don’t dress like that or do that? I mean when Ned’s Declassified did the Nerd has camera/computer hooked up to their glasses they did it to spoof. They weren’t trying to portray the nerd/online/blogger culture. You fail. Big time.

Duh!

Duh!

So then we enter douche boy, Jill’s ex-boyfriend. I mean this is some serious deja vu as he ex is a total creep. I guess douche dating runs in the family.

Girl Please

So during homeroom, everyone’s cellphones buzz with the news. I’m just like, why wasn’t the school notified? When I was in high school we had two deaths. One was a car crash, the other an overdose and the teachers were all immediatey notified before the friends even found out. Same thing in college when a guy committed suicide, and another guy jumped off his balconey as he was high and had a bad trip. Although in college they sent emails and texts to the students, while in high school they told us.

At the bookstore, Sidney is reading an excerpt from her book when Sheriff Dewey comes marching in. He interrupts the signing as they are tracking the phone that placed the calls. They discover it in the back of Sidney’s rental, along with bloody handprints.

dun-dun-duuuun

Back at the station, Sheriff Dewey s dealing with a lot. Gale comes down as her old investigative spirit is still alive. She encounters a huge prob though. Dewey’s deputy, Deputy Judy, has a mondo crush on Dewey. But Gale, she’s not having any of that.

that girl is going after my man she is going to wish she was never born

I love that Gale is still kickin’ butt.

verbalbeatdown

So Sheriff Dewey decides to put Sidney on 24-hour police protection, and all I can think is do you remember what happend last time? Yeah, it did not end well.

ouch Hermione

You know what almost everyone in this film has drunk the kool-aid. I know that Wes wanted to provide a wide range of “suspects” (totally obvious Jill and Culkin brother/crazy film nerd guy). But he makes everyone seem CRAZY!!! Jill’s ex, the deputy, and that’s not all. Let’s add Sidney’s publicist who delights in the murders because it will sell more books. She actually hopes more will occur. And then we have Sidney’s aunt Kate. “Nobody cares about the fact that it was MY sister that was killed or what I’VE been going through.

Gilmore girls creep

So at this point in the film I’m starting to wonder what happened to Patrick Dempsey? AKA Detective Mark Kincaid. I guess he was too busy being a doctor or maid of honor. Let’s see…Yes to doctor, no to maid of honor. He was trying to protect a bank teller and working with Decepticons. I wish they had given us a clue as why they didn’t stay together. I liked Mark.

Later that evening, Sidney goes to talk to Jill and you know what..how come we have never heard of this aunt and niece before? I mean they have lived in the town their whole life and not once was concerned with Sidney? Like why didn’t she stay with her aunt when he dad was out of town? This Wes, is why you do not try and remake a good thing. Just leave well enough alone.

So Sidney goes in to talk to Jill and sees her creep ex climbing in her window trying to talk to her. He’s extra creepy and weird calling himself “the ninja”. Who nicknames themselves? He is also a total control freak and won’t listen to “no”. What a jerk.

jerk

That night Kirby comes over and she and Jill are watching scary movies. Kirby gets a call from Ghostface that he’s hiding in the closet. She decides to be stupid and looks around, finding no one. Like this guy KILLED people. Maybe you should CALL THE POLICE!!!!

Scream 2

The voice says that he never stated which closet he was in.

Now the house next door is Olivia’s who is home alone (of course). The police offered to walk her to her home but she refused and like the stupid caricatures they are, they agreed. I just realized that policeman in the Scream  films are pretty stupid. Dewey and Mark being the exception. I mean SHE RECIEVED A DEATH THREAT FROM GHOSTFACE EARLIER!!!! WHY IS NO ONE PROTECTING HER!!! So of course, Ghostface is in her closet and kills her.

Victim 6

Victim 6

And her friends just watch.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Seriously, they DO NOTHING BUT WATCH THEIR FRIEND GET SLICED APART. Scream! Call the police!!! Do something!!!!

Sid hears it and rushes over to help. Now Sid I love you, but couldn’t you have brought a weapon with you? How do you expect to save the girl if you have nothing. I mean come on, grab a bat, frying pan, knife, SOMETHING!!!

Sid does manage to take him down as she rules! But when the cops come he’s disappeared? Who is he Michael Myers? How does he move so fast? I mean they did the same thing in Scream 2.

Why weren’t the cops able to find him? WHY DOES EVERYONE SUCK??? THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!!! CRAVEN YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME AGAIN! IT’S LIKE NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET ALL FREAKIN’ OVER AGAIN!!!

800__shadow_of_a_doubt_blu-ray_04_intense stare angry upset mad creep

Not happy, not happy at all

Gale seduces the two nerds to get them to help her. At first I thought it was funny, but the more I think about it, it’s creepy. I know on Cougar Town you are always with younger men, but this is a 47 year old woman hitting on 17 year olds.

ew! Gross Yuck

PR girl is the devil. I am sorry but the way she gushes about the killings, she needs help.

you're evil

So after she leaves from visiting Sidney in the hospital (minor cut) she runs into Ghostface and is killed.

Victim #7

Victim #7

Now to be honest its her own fault as she really shouldn’t be walking around at night by herself with a killer on the loose. And what’s really stupid was that she was by her car. Just get in and drive away, run him over. Instead she tries to run. DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB. I mean come on, you were sitting inside the car! Why would you ever take off?

Girl Please

You know what I just realized. so far the killer has only murdered women. What’s up with that? In the other films it was always equal. How come you’re just killing women Wes? Huh? Why? You know what else? In every film we have couples who are murdered first. Scream– Steve and Casey, Scream 2– Boyfriend and Jada Pinket-Smith, & Scream 3– Cotton’s girlfriend and Cotton. But in this one its only been girls. There’s a formula!

But now, we only have females murdered. What happened Wes, did you have a woman break your heart so now you are releasing your anger on females?

And you know what’s really depressing about this film is that it lost everything. It isn’t a horror parody and a horror film at the same time; It’s just sad and boring. You can tell from the beginning who the killers are (Jill & Charlie [Culkin brother super nerd]). It’s just a recycled plot. A poorly recycled one too.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

I mean each previous Scream brought something new and fresh.

Scream

  1. Parody of the Horror film Genre while still being a great horror film
  2. Twist ending with two killers, and one being the boyfriend.
  3. Obsession with horror films and trying to create their own
  4. Revenge because his mother left.

Scream 2

  1. Parody of sequel films and horror sequels
  2. Debates issue if whether horror films turn people into killers
  3. Twist ending where you think it is the boyfriend murdering, but really ex’s mom
  4. Female serial killer

Scream 3

  1. Parody of trilogy films
  2. Twist ending with mother’s secret early life + half brother
  3. Single killer this time
  4. All the survivors end in a couple-Dewey & Gale, Mark & Sid

Scre4m

  1. Recycled plot
  2. Pop culture of the day inserted but it feels more like an old man trying to be “hip” and failing than avant-garde.
  3. They waited far too long to make this film. It should have come sooner.

So the next day Gale gets Sidney to come speak at the film club at the high school. In return for this, the two geek boys Charlie (the Culkin brother) and his friend blogger- headphones, Robbie, will help her out. Gale thinks the new Ghostface is copying the murders, but the nerd twins point out that it is a remake “as only remakes are being made these days.” Tru dat. In 2011 alone there was Silent House, Gnomeo & Juliet, The Green Hornet, The Roommate, The Mechanic, Just Go With It, Unknown, Jane Eyre, Winnie the Pooh, Arthur, X-Men: First Class, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Fright Night, Conan the Barbarian, Real Steel, Straw Dogs, The Thing, Footloose, The Muppets, and The Sitter.

The kids tell Gale & Sidney that if the killer wants to make it intense and new he is going to record the murders. That’s not new, it’s been happening for quite so time now. Just another ripoff.

They decide the next place he will strike is the annual Stab-a-thon. Now you have a killer running about and you refuse to stop your party? Definteky Charlie. He’s the killer. I mean come on, any smart person would be like nope, let’s stop this so people don’t die.

jerk_alert32

So a bunch of the kids dress up in Ghostface masks which is incredibly stupid. I mean you have a KILLER IN THE GHOSTFACE MASK? Why is everyone so STUPID.

Ugh

Ugh

Gale goes there just like in the first film and hooks up some “secret cameras”. The cameras get covered up and Gale calls Dewey before she goes into take care of them. Now the smart thing would be to just wait as it is obvious that Ghostface is the one doing it, but whatever! I mean like even if you feel like you HAVE  to go, why not be extra cautious and take a weapon! I mean, come on now people. She goes and is stabbed by the killer, however, she’s Gale so she just has to go to hospital. That’s cause Gale is awesome.

I just want this film to be over. It is that painful.

So I am liking nobody in this film. Like every character is crazy or stupid. The only exceptions are Gale, Sid, Dewey, and Aimee Teagarden’s character as she tried to run away. Even though I think Emma Roberts is the killer I want her to get stabbed so I won’t have to see her face again this film and hear her horrible acting voice.

Duh!

Duh!

So back at the house Sidney sees something outside. She goes to take a look at it instead of CALLING THE POLICE! Come on Sid, you’re better than that.

Stop stop it now!

So the cops outside Kate/Jill/Sid’s residence are all comedic and talking about movie cops. They say that cops are what you never want to be as they are always “getting it” in films. Uh, not true! What about Dirty Harry? Ain’t nobody taking down Clint Eastwood. Or what about Patrick Dempsey in Scream 3, I mean Wes you freakin’ made that film. Witness? Harrison Ford always dominates! Sidney Poitier In the Heat of the Night or They Call Me, Mr. Tibbs! Mark Wahlberg in The Departed? Die Hard?

Besides why would the black cop be worried that since he is a cop he’s going to killed? He’s got bigger worries, he’s a minority. He’s going to get killed for that. The only horror films I’ve ever seen where the minority doesn’t get killed first and makes it to the end would be Night of the Living Dead and Aliens vs. Predator.

They both get killed.

Victim #8 & 9

Victim #8 & 9

I was actually happy about that as they were annoying.

So someone in this film finally wises up, as Sid grabs a knife to protect her. Ghostface comes and attacks. Yawn! Knew it was going to happen. There is NOTHING original in this film, NOTHING!!!! Wes you have failed, fAILED FAILED FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!

So Kate also gets killed, she was stabbed through a door.

Victim #10

Victim #10

Yawn! Wes you already did that in Scream 2.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Is it over yet? Is the film done yet? Boo. There’s still 30 mins left! UGH, UGH, BLEH! I would stop watching like a did with An American Werewolf in London, but I promised full reviews of every Scream film and I can’t go back on that.

So Sidney escapes. She starts to head next door to protect Jill.

Next door we have Jill, Kirby, Robbie, & Charlie watching horror films.

So why don’t any of these kids feel remorse for the murdered people? I mean in Scream the main characters weren’t close to Steve and Casey (except Stu) so I could see where it didn’t make the biggest impact. But Sid started feeling when it was Tatum, Dewey, Gale, etc. In Scream 2, the girl in the film class was sad about her friend that was murdered in the movie theater and everyone is heartbroken over Randy.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Then in Scream 3 Cotton’s death, and while the characters didn’t know the movie stars, they were still sad to see them killed. I mean Olivia was their friend as she was MURDERED!!! And you know how they react? Jill in her monotone voice is fine and doesn’t say anything. Kirby goes to the Stab-a-thon in sa freakin’ ghostface mask. A GHOSTFACE MASK! I mean your friend was MURDERED, MUREDERED! And you are wearing the thing that killer wore to murder to your friend. Something is wrong with you all.

Darcy P&P OMG Can't Even

 And you know what, that is the problem with this film. In the other versions you believed the actors were the characters. You believed them. In this film every character except for the 3 survivors are so fake. They have any real emotions. They don’t have any real reactions. They are like robots or something.

metropolis-Robot

Why is everyone dumb in this movie? This movie is horrible and stupid! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb! OMG! it’s LIKE HE WANTS TO MAKE A SUCKY VERSION OF AN AMAZING FILM! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? WHY? WHY? WHO GAVE HIM THE MONEY. You all should be held accountable for this!!!!

Is this too crazy?

Is this too crazy?

This is film is a HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT! BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

big mistake

So the group is hanging out. Trevor comes over as he says Jill invited him. She tells them that is impossible as her phone has been missing. Jill goes upstairs and Trevor follows her. While he is gone, Robbie gets drunk and heads outside for another blog post. When he does this we have the only real scare in the film. He runs into a plant. That’s it folks, so far the plant has been the most scariest and original thing in this travesty. And that’s not even that original.

Back inside, Kirby is trying to seduce Charlie in the most horrible and painful way. It hurt to watch this scene. It was awkward, it was stupid, and it would never happen that way in real life.

ouch Hermione

You know what I’m wondering now? Where are the parents? Come on now, is Jill the only one in town with a parent? They are completely absent! At least in Scream they explaned it. Casey’s parents were out having dinner. Mr. Prescott was going out of town. Mrs. Riley (Dewey & Tatum’s mom) is a single parent. Stu’s parents don’t care and are out of town all the time. Mr. Loomis works late hours and has recently become a single parent. I get that, although they should have done a better job. Scream 2, in college parents aren’t there., although I’m really surprised not one of them came down to check on their kids. Scream 3 all are adults. But these kids have no parents anywhere, nor do they give an explanation except for Olivia She mentions that her mom works late. Its like this whole film is in an alternate dimension where reality plays no part at all. I mean I know its a movie, but explain! Movie EXPLAIN!!!

So this film is far too predictable. You know Robbie who is hanging outside is going to be killed first, then Kirby, then Trevor, and then Charlie. It is soooo obvious.

This is horrible. Why am I watching this? Why?

So Robbie of course is killed, and too his shock as he thinks being gay will save him. I thought that was a weird thing to say. I mean, I can’t think of horror films where a gay person always survive. I mean technically he’s in the minority category and we all know that minorities hardly ever make it to the end of a horror film.

Victim #11

Victim #11

Before Kirby and Charlie could get it on, Trevor comes downstairs. He couldn’t find Jill upstairs. He and  Charlie head to the kitchen, leaving Kirby alone in the living room. Jill comes from downstairs, now how the heck was she there? (I mean obvs to me she’s the killer, but why doesn’t anyone else think that weird?) Sidney runs into the house to warn everyone. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF YOU HAD CALLED THE POLICE FOR BACKUP. Kirby goes down to the basement, while Jill and Sidney go upstairs. Jill hides under the bed.

I don't think so

That is the worse place to hide. Beds and  closets are always checked first.

Sidney comes down to the basement with Kirby and they see Charlie. He wants them to let him in, but Kirby is unsure whether or not she can trust him. Ghostface grabs him and ties him to a chair. Ghostface then calls Kirby.

scary movie mansfield park Scream

The two are going to play a game. Kirby wins, Charlie is free.

The Voice: I hear you like horror movies, Kirby. But do you like them as much as him? Forget watching Stab, instead you get to live it.

Kirby Reed: No. No, no, no, no. He’s the expert. It’s not me.

The Voice: Warm up question: Jason’s weapon?

Kirby Reed: Uh,it’s a machete.

The Voice: There. You see? You do know the genre. Michael Myers?

Kirby Reed: Uh, butcher knife.

The Voice: Leatherface?

Kirby Reed: [crying] Chainsaw! Please!

The Voice: Just ask Sidney if you need some help. Freddy Krueger?

Kirby Reed: Razor-hands.

The Voice: Name the movie that started the slasher craze: Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left or Psycho?

Kirby Reed: Psycho.

The Voice: None of the above! Peeping Tom, 1960, directed by Michael Powell. First movie to ever put the audience in the killer’s POV.

Kirby Reed: Wait. No, no, no. Please, just ask me one more question. Just one more.

The Voice: Alright, Kirby, then it’s time for your last chance. Name the remake of the groundbreaking horror movie in which the vill…

Kirby Reed: Halloween, uh, Texas Chainsaw, Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, Amityville Horror, uh, Last House on the Left, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare On Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, When A Stranger Calls, Prom Night, Black Christmas, House of Wax, The Fog, Piranha. It’s one of those, right? Right?

[silence]

Kirby Reed: I got it right. I was fucking right. [goes outside; unties Charlie] Don’t worry, Charlie. I f****** won. I won. He tried to beat me but I f****** won.

Charlie Walker:[holding knife] Kirby? This is is making a move! [stabs her] Four years of class together and you notice me now? You stupid b****! It’s too late! Shhh, I know. It doesn’t happen as fast as it does in the movies, I know.

[finishes stabbing her and drops her; runs away]

Yep Kirby is dead.

Victim #12

Victim #12

And Charlie was the killer. Totally obvious.

Duh!

Duh!

So deputy Judy comes into play as she discovers Kate’s body and the dead cops. She heads over to Kirby’s house to check on everyone. I still want to punch her crazy-obsessed with Dewey face.

dean_punching_supernatural

Does that make me a bad person?

So Sidney is being chased by Charlie and manages to escape him heading for the door. But Sid, don’t forget, except for Scream 3 there are always two killers. And as she heads for the door…boom Jill stabs her.

Now if Wes wanted to make this really unique. He should have down a group of female killers. It is rare, but does happen. Olivia, Kirby, and Jill. Or deputy Judy. She could be doing all these murders just so she could kill Gale and get Sheriff Dewey. Or he could have not tried making a remake. That would have been fantastic!.

So the two totally obvious killers start revealing the reasoning behind it. Jill was always jealous of her cousin’s fame. And as Emma Roberts…I mean Jill has no talent, she figures this is the quickest way to make her famous.

Jill Roberts: My friends? What world are you living in? I don’t need friends. I need fans. Don’t you get it? This has never been about killing you? It’s about becoming you. I mean, for f***’s sake, my own mother had to die, no great loss there, so I could stay true to the original. That’s sick, right? Well, sick is the new sane. You had your 15 minutes, now I want mine! I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go to college? Grad school? Work? Look around. We all live in public now, we’re all on the Internet. How do you think people become famous any more? You don’t have to achieve anything. You just gotta have f***** up-s*** happen to you. So you have to die, Sid. Those are the rules. New movie, new franchise. There’s only room for one lead, and let’s face it, your ingenue days, they’re over.

Charlie was her new boyfriend that was helping her do this. They plan to have Trevor take the fall for it, stabbing themselves, but shooting him to make it look like “self-defense”. Charlie is happy that the “geek will get the girl”, but Jill tells him sorry and kills him.

Victim #13

Victim #13

You know what I just realized. They never clean the knife. Ever. With all those kids having sex and the amount of diseases that abound, now all I can think is how they’ve been spreading so much to people. They’ve all probably got Chlamydia or something.

Also WHERE ARE THE POLICE!!!??? I mean deputy Judy was right next door!!!

So then Jill kills Trevor and Sidney.

Victim #14 &15

Victim #14 &15

After that she starts taking care of the evidence. Planting the knife/gun. Beating /mutilating herself. Even ripping hair out and putting it in Trevor’s hand.

When the police finally come, they discover her and name her the sole survivor. They cart her off to the hospital. In the hospital Dewey visit Jill, who is all smiles. I have to say nobody is freaked out by the fact she doesn’t care that her best friends, mother, and cousin have all been brutally murdered???!!! Someone ship her off to the psycho ward. That girl is crazy!

Certified Creepo Ribbon

Jill tells Dewey that maybe she and Gale can write about the murders as they have matching wounds. Dewey tells her that Sidney might be able to also help, as she is going to recover.

Say What

Yep, looks like we have Dial “M” for Murder all over again.

“Margot Mary Wendice: Do you really believe in the perfect murder?

Mark Halliday: Mmm, yes, absolutely. On paper, that is. And I think I could, uh, plan one better than most people; but I doubt if I could carry it out.

Tony Wendice: Oh? Why not?

Mark Halliday: Well, because in stories things usually turn out the way the author wants them to; and in real life they don’t… always.”

You can’t plan everything sweetheart.

So Jill gets out of her bed and charges down to ICU to get to Sidney.

I don't think so

That is impossible. There is no way she would be able to get across the hospital as they are jam packed with people. Especially ICU. Most ICU units actually are protected by some kind of card swipe or button so that only certain people can go in. There’s no way she’d be able to get to Sidney.

Girl Please

Dewey goes to see Gale, and as he mentions Jill’s comments they both realize that the information about her stabs were not released to the public. There is no way she could have known where Gale was stabbed, unless she had done it herself.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow

Dewey runs down to get to Sidney, and sees Jill trying to kill her. Sidney is doing a great job as she is Awesome!  Sid you rule! Jill does have an upper hand as she tries to hurt Sidney in her stab wounds. Dewey is trying to help, but gets knocked out by a bedpan. Gale and Deputy Judy also come in, but Jill stole Dewey’s gun and threatens killing Dewey to get Deputy Judy’s gun. After the gun is passed, she shoots Deputy Judy in the chest.

Victim #13

Victim #15

Jill is threatening all and planning on killing them but this is very stupid. She already framed Trevor and gave a statement. How is she going to explain the other dead bodies? Who can she pin the murder of Sidney, Gale, Deputy Judy, and Sheriff Dewey on. Not going to work.

Jill plans in killing Gale next, as Sidney’s wounds have reopened and she seems to be the lesser threat. She is about to when Sidney shocks her with the defibrillator.

Jill tries one last time, but Sid shoots her.

Gale-Randy-Billy-and-Sidney-scream-23148646-499-198

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Sid is awesome!! Best scene in the whole film. Yeah don’t mess with the original baby!!!! Yeah!!! But its not over. What about deputy Judy

Psych!GameofthronesSyke

She’s alive! She was wearing a bulletproof vest. In the end the body count ends at 15.

Victim #13

Victim #15

And Wes I only have one thing to say to you

Over You

So this ends our Screamtastic Saturdays kind of on a bad note, but don’t blame me. I didn’t make this film. Wes did.

2011Scre4m

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To start Horrorfest III from the beginning, go to Even a Man Pure of Heart

For the previous post, go to You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

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For more on the Scream series, go to All I Know About Trilogies is That in the Third One, All Bets are Off

For more modern remakes, go to Keep Clear of the Moor. Beware the Moon

For more serial killers, go to But the Book, It Will Never Close…

For more slasher films, go to It’s Happening Again, Isn’t It?

For more on Wes Craven, go to What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie?