Just Because I’m a Vampire Doesn’t Mean I’m Bloodthirsty: Cirque du Freak, The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

Just because I’m a vampire doesn’t mean I’m bloodthirsty. It’s not about what you are. It’s about who you are.

So with COVID19, the library building has been closed, giving staff the opportunity to work on some projects we have been wanting to do. One project that was given to me was to reorganize the YA section by book series. As I was reorganizing them I came across the Darren Shan/Cirque du Freak series. Because the series had two names (mentioned on different books) it took a google search to see what was the official name, it turned out it had a UK series (the Saga of Darren Shan) and they changed the name in the US (Cirque du Freak)

I also discovered that the first book was made into a movie starring Josh Hutcherson in 2009.

I looked it up as I was completely surprised. I had zero memory of this movie coming out, even though Josh Hutcherson was a big name in the 2000s.The film intrigued me, but we didn’t have a copy because someone checked it out and never returned it.

So a few months later I was thinking of how I would like to see it and decided to search it across my streaming sites and found it on Netflix.

So the story starts with Darren Shan, normal 16 year old boy in a nuclear family-and a bit of a coward. His best friend is Steve, they have been friends since Steve saved Darren from being beat up years ago. Steve is a sad creature-his mother is an alcoholic, no one likes him except Darren, and the only reason he goes to school is to be with his friend. So young and to have so little to live for.

So sad.

They are going to school when they find flyers for a Cirque du Freak freak show. They decide to sneak out that night and go watch it.

When they get there, it is very strange show. They thought it would be fakes pretending, but things are too weird to be fake. One act, Larten Creepsley (John C. Reilly), performs with an incredibly poisonous spider, Madame Octa.Darren loved bugs, espechially spiders and he wants her.

Now Steve is a giant vampire fan and looking at Larten he recognizes him from his vampire book. He points him out to Darren who thinks Steve just has an overactive imagination from reading too many vampire books. Overactive imagination from too many books coupled with vampires-guess what popped in my head?

Darren goes to get Madame Octa, the spider-but before he can escape Larten comes in the room. He is with his friend Gavner Purl, (Willem Defoe), the two talk about vampire business and the Vampaneze, the rivals of the vampires who are bloodthirsty and cruel in their killings. They are interrupted by Steve who wants them to turn him into a vampire.

Nosferatu

This part was really sad to me as Steve shares he has nothing in life but his best friend Darren. Life sucks and he thinks being a vampire is the only way to get a better life, a family. Poor Steve.

Life is grey…

Larten and his friend refuse, telling him that he is evil, full of evil blood. They are really cruel and cold and Steve leaves-threatening them that they will be sorry.

Darren runs off with Madame Octa and right into Mr. Tiny and the Vampaneze Murlough. Mr. Tiny takes a bit of his blood and is interested in him, while Murlough sees him as not worth his time. They drop him off at home.

After they all leave, Darren sneaks out with the spider and takes him home. The next day he brings the spider to school-why? Steve finds him with it and Darren shares that he heard him. He tries to get Steve to talk about it, having not realized how bad Steve was feeling and what he was going through. Steve shrugs it off and tries to get a closer look at the spider.

As he is looking at it, the bell rings and he drops the cage and the spider escapes. Darren tries to get it while Steve tries to squish it. The spider bites Steve and he is in the hospital doing poorly. Darren goes to Larten and begs him to help. Larten doesn’t care, but finally agrees as long as Darren becomes his Vampire assistant.

You know I just want to pause here and say, for years I have said vampires and spiders should go together as spiders basically kill their prey in the exact same way that Vampires do. It makes perfect sense and I’m glad Darren Shan used that in his books (yes the author named the main character after himself).

Anyways, Darren agrees and after Larten administers the antidote Darren takes off.

Hurry!

Darren thinks he can go back on his word, but he starts behaving strange. This scene reminds me of Once Bitten when Jim Carrey’s character acts all weird after his vampire bite.

After Darren almost attacks his sister he realizes that he can’t do this and plans to go with Larten. Larten agrees and throws him out the window.

Larten Crepsley: Nice night, actually. [pointing up, causing Darren to look away] Is that the Little Dipper or the big one? I can never remember it. [breaks Darren’s neck and throws him down] Sorry about that. I had to do that or they would never believe you were dead. Don’t worry. There’s no damage to your spinal cord. And I’ll sneak into the funeral home and fix your broken neck. Oh, and… sorry about this next part.

Darren is buried, and all come to his funeral. Steve is espechially broken up as now he has no one. He decides he can’t leave his boy languishing in the afterlife and gives Darren his cellphone. While he does he sees the mark of the vampire and knows what happened-Larten said no to him but chose Darren. This makes Steve very upset.

I’m glad the mark is on the hand and not the upper thigh like in Once Bitten. That’d be awkward.

Larten digs Darren up the next day and is attacked by Murtagh of the Vampaneze. Larten manages to fight him and they take off with Vampire speed. Larten takes him to where the Cirque resides and he meets the snake boy, Evra Von, and Rebecca, the monkey girl.

Meanwhile, Steve is upset and is considering suicide as he has no one to care for him anymore. Mr Tiny approaches him and Steve is turned into a Vampanze.

So we have teenage Vampire and Vampaneze, this has fulfilled some plan of Mr. Tiny. And when Steve takes Darren’s family and girlfriend to draw him out-you know a fight is going to go down. Vampire vs. Vampaneze, Friend vs. Friend-who will win. You’ll have to watch to see how it turns out.

{Picture from Ringu)

So I really enjoyed it.

I really liked the actors and the special effects. I think they did a good job giving it this macabre look and feel, but still having it in a colorful world. I’m sad I missed it in theaters.

So the nice thing about this is that they don’t just throw vampire lore out the window and create new stuff, they instead keep some aspects of Vampire lore. I like that they weren’t forgetting what’s come before.

I actually liked the fight scenes. I didn’t think I would, but I thought they were well done.

I really loved the costumes-the flowy trench coats, the red pleather coat Darren wears after he becomes a vampire, etc. Larten’s clothes had an old fashioned feel to them, like how the Addams dress in The Addams Family. Darren’s clothes are more modern but still have an old fashioned feel.

Josh Hutcherson as Steve really surprised me. When I read he was in it, I thought he was going to play Darren. It is a little weird seeing him in this role, as it wasn’t the part he usually played, but I guess he was trying to break out of the Little Manhattan, Zathura, Firehouse Dog, etc box.

I know Steve is supposed to be “the bad one”, but having just seen the films and not read the books-I felt really bad for his character. Life is pretty awful for him and the only one who keeps him balanced is his friend Darren, who then “dies” and “betrays” him by becoming the vampire he always wanted to be.

He is pretty creepy, although when the Vampaneze take him to be their leader, I laughed as there is a movie, I can’t remember which one, they say “Steve isn’t a scary name”.

I don’t know why the film wasn’t a bigger hit. I thought it was a fun story, a nice blend of macabre and comedy, and had great costumes.

The only thing I didn’t really like was the end. They left it open as you can clearly see that they definitely planned to make more films. It’s not horrible but it does have a clunky ending. But other than that I thought it was good, and I really wish I had seen it in theaters.

For more Vampire films, go to Time for You to Awaken, Master. Time for You to Go Out: The Return of the Vampire (1943)

For more Teen Vampire films, go to I Don’t Want to Be a Vampire. I’m a Day Person: Once Bitten (1985)

For more Teen Horror films, go to Once, There Was Even a Man Who Had Scissors for Hands: Edward Scissorhands (1990)

For more Josh Hutcherson, go to I’ll Do All I Can to Keep You Safe: Catching Fire (2013)

I Don’t Want to Be a Vampire. I’m a Day Person: Once Bitten (1985)

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.

My friend found this film months ago on Youtube and thought it was just hilarious. She knew I loved ’80s films and horror and sent the link to me. Unfortunately, the video had been taken down.

However, the other day a friend of hers found a copy of it, so we were able to watch it. Now this film is a horror-comedy, Com-Ror, but at the same time being a parody of those teen films from the ’50s, like I Was a Teenage Werewolf, etc.

Originally the  screen writer wanted Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but the director, Samuel Goldwyn Jr. thought he wouldn’t be able to carry a theatrical film of this scale.

By the time this film came out, Fox had already starred in Teen Wolf and Back to the Future, both making far more money then this film and cementing Fox’s stardom.

But we aren’t here to talk about those films, we are going to talk about this one.

The Countess (Lauren Hutton) is nearing her 400th birthday. In her mansion resides: one from early 18th century England, a french sailor, a confederate from the Civil War, her butler and chauffeur from the 1880s,  a WWI pilot, a 1960s flower child, and a set of twins. Every so many years she needs virgin blood to keep her young and beautiful. Three times and the one she has bitten will become a vampire too. That time has come again, but she and her minions are having trouble finding a virgin in 1985 Hollywood.

Countess: How many days left till Halloween, Sebastian?

Sebastian: Oh, a little more than a week, Countess. I told you not to worry.

Countess: Not to worry? How amusing. But then you’re not the one who needs to have the virgin blood of a young man not once, but three times before All Hallows Eve. Not to worry? Being a vampire in the 20th century is a nightmare!

She ponders on what to do, but Sebastian reassures her, they will find a virgin.

So we are introduce to 18-year-old Mark Kendell (Jim Carrey) and his girlfriend Robin, who live near Hollywood, CA. Mark really wants to have sex, but Robin isn’t ready to do it yet. She wants to wait. Mark is feeling extremely frustrated as he feels as if he is only one who is a virgin.

I mean come on dude, your best buds haven’t had sex yet and neither has your girlfriend. That’s four right there and there are probably a lot more.

Anyways, so Mark goes to see his friends at the burger joint they work, and these two dudes are quite the crew. One believes he is God’s gift to women and continuously uses the stupidest line to try and pick up women, thinking it will work.

Russ: Hi. I’m Russ, and I’m a Sagittarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoy. Listen: I’m a mature person and you’re a mature person, so why don’t we just skip all the bullshit, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO?

The other, Jamie, is Eeyore in human form; always pessimistic and believing the sky is falling.

So he goes to his friends and complains about the relationship, Russ telling him that Robin is never going to do it and he should just move on.

What a jerk

Russ then suggests they go find some women to loose their virginity to. They decide to head out to Hollywood and see if they can find some. When I think of Jim Carrey in Hollywood, one film comes to mind…

But I digress, so the group heads to a club called Phone a Date. You pick a table, phone one of the other tables by the numbers assigned to them, and ask to come on over. It actually is kind of a cute idea.

As long as the person on the other end isn’t a serial killer or creep.

So boys try it out: with Russ first getting a transvestite, then getting rejected, and finally someone calling Mark over. By this time the boys are extremely hammered, having consumed 4 beers each. When Mark walks over, the woman is the Countess.

She gives him champagne and starts coming on to him, but Mark isn’t really interested in going home with her. He pretty much is out of it, actually. Meanwhile, his friends have two older ladies who are interested in them. They start talking and having fun, when one of the ladies’ husband comes, yells at the boys, and then starts shooting the club up.

Mark freaks out, and the Countess convinces him to come with her, taking him up to her mansion. Meanwhile, the guy is arrested and the friends are taken off too.

Back at the house, the Countess gives Mark even more champagne. She goes upstairs to get ready, and comes back prepared to feast!

After he is bitten, Mark passes out. The next day he is awakened by Sebastian and the Countess. Mark leaves and promises that he will call and the two can meet up again sometime, but has no real plans to see her anymore. He has a girlfriend, and he is happy to finally lost his virginity.

But he feels really weird. He starts eating raw meat, even though he’s only loved well-done food. He also can’t remember a thing that’s happened.

His friends ask him what happened and he tells them in the crowded quad, right where his girlfriend is.

She of course become angry with him for cheating on her and breaks up with him.

Robin Pierce: Oh Mark, I can’t believe you’re going to throw away our relationship on a one-night stand with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons! But you did. You really did! [takes ring off her finger] You can have your d*** ring back!

Mark Kendall: What am I supposed to do with it?

Robin Pierce: Use your imagination!

 Mark’s weird behavior continues as he wants to sleep in trunks, looks pale, wears sunglasses all the time, and just acts vampireish.

He starts having these strange dreams where the Countess is in, but he doesn’t want her. He doesn’t call her like he said he would but tries to get back with Robin.

Robin accepts his apology and everything is all right again.

That night Mark and his friends head downtown. Russ and Jamie try again to pick up on women, but it doesn’t turn out well. Russ hits on a dominatrix and Jamie…well I don’t know what he said but it sure wasn’t good.

Mark goes to Robin’s work and picks out some clothes to try on, black of course.

Black is best

While he is in the dressing room, who should appear but the Countess. Mark tries to get rid of her as he isn’t interested, but she won’t take no for an answer. She bites him again. This film actually reminds me of Fatal Attraction, as the morals of both stories: Don’t cheat in a relationship and don’t try to have a one night stand.

So Mark passes out and Robin takes him home. The next day he is acting even stranger. He looks more like a Vampire, can barely tolerate light, wears only black, drinks blood, etc. Then when he tries to sell some ice-cream, he…

Mark becomes extremely worried, and goes to the nearby Catholic Church to ask for help. Unfortunately, a drunkard steps into the confessional and tell him he’s screwed.

Mark is continuously haunted by the Countess and starts to really become frightened with the idea that he might become a vampire.

I really liked the dream sequence as it was reminiscent of Dracula (1931).

Soon it will be Halloween but as it falls on a weekend, they are having a pre-Halloween party.

Mark and Robin were supposed to go as Jack and Jill, but Mark couldn’t get the costume so he dressed like he normally does. But everyone thinks he is a vampire.

While Robin and Mark are dancing, the Countess comes in and tries to control Mark into going with her. But Robin doesn’t like people messing with her man.

And this resorts in one of the best scenes, a dance-off.

Afterwards, Mark has a bit of a freakout and takes off, Robin chasing after him. She tries to calm him down. His reflection disappears and Mark tells Robin everything. Robin is weirded out, but when she doesn’t see his reflections, she starts to believe it. So she heads out to do some research.

She finds out that in order to know if he has been bitten by a female vampire, all you need to do is check the inner thigh for a bite mark. So of course she asks Mark and finds out that yes, he has been bit.

Majorly

Instead she asks his friends to find out for her, to look at him. They don’t want to but she guilt trips them into doing it, telling them that if they are really his friends they would look.

Why not ask?

So they ask Mark.

Majorly

Instead they try to look at him in the shower, resulting…well I guess I didn’t have to say it, you know it won’t turn out well.

Mark Kendall: What was that scene in the shower all about?

Russ: That’s the thanks I get for trying to help out a friend?

Mark Kendall: Oh you’re a big help, thanks a lot. Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe you could’ve asked me?

Jamie: Oh my God!

The way Jamie says that reminds me of Arnold in Troll 2.

So they see Robin in the parking lot when she is abducted by the Countess and her gang. You see tonight is Halloween and the Countess needs the third bite or she will revert to showing her true age. Mark is worried about something happening to Robin so he heads over there, aided by Jamie and Russ.

When they get there they find Robin tied up and let her out, but the whole thing…

The vampires capture them and take them upstairs, where they get ready to get the last bite and turn Mark into a vampire. Mark doesn’t want to:

The Countess starts trying to control him, but Robin isn’t going to lose her man. She jumps in the middle with a cross, the friends grabbing fire, and they free him.

[Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him]
Count Dracula: More wolfbane?
Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count.
Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]

Then the chase is on!

In the end there is only one thing left to do to save Mark.

All, besides the vampires, are happy. Mark scored, Jamie scored, Russ scored, Robin scored.

I really enjoyed this film and I thought it was pretty hilarious, although having Hocus Pocus level anti-virginity theme. But a  lot of fun to watch and sure to be a fun film to watch this season.

To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous, go to I Came Upon a Shattered Glass Jar and Four Baby Turtles Crawling into a Strange Glowing Ooze: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

For more ’80s films, go to No Mere Mortal Can Resist the Evil of the Thriller: Thriller (1983)

For more Jim Carrey, go to I Can Be Your Best Friend Or Your Worst Enemy: The Cable Guy (1996)

For more vampires, go to Every Time I Bring a Girl Over, You Try to Eat Her!: Vampires Suck (2010)

For more teen horror films, go to I’m the Chosen One. And I Choose to be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

For more Horror-Comedies, go to A Modern Mummy: Under Wraps (1997)

For more Horror Parodies, go to Monster Movie: Supernatural (2008)