Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

Day 26) Z is for Zombie: Choose a Zombie Retelling of a Classic Novel

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies #1) by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

When I saw what Z stood for I knew that this was going to be the book I was going to review for it. First of all I have read very little Zombie themed books as that is just not really what I am in to. And secondly, pass up a chance to talk about Jane Austen?

So I remember when this book was first released. It was right as the teen book world was moving out of wizards (Harry Potter) and Vampires (Twlight, Vampire Diaries, Vampire Academy, etc.), and was searching for a new thing to fill this niche. They settled on Zombies.

But not just Zombies. They decided to take it one step further and pair it with Jane Austen.

And not just her. After this book, almost every classic was getting some kind of overhaul. We had Little Vampire Women, Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters, Jane Eyre: Vampire Slayers, etc.

It was a pretty bad time.

Anyways, back to this book. So when it first came out it was a big hit. Everyone was talking about it. Everyone was reading it. The library was backlogged in holds.

I wasn’t really interested until my friend Elise recommended it to me. She really liked it and told me she would let me borrow her book. I was a bit wary as I didn’t understand why Austen needed any “makeover” or “spin” as her books were amazing the way they are. But I’m a sucker for a free book and borrowed it.

I should have remembered:

So I read it. And how did I feel afterwards?

You suck!

I HATED this book. I thought it was badly done and the parts inserted by Seth Grahame-Smith were horribly written. And a lot of it made no sense.

But that was seven years ago. Could I still feel the same way?

Let’s see!

13 Days Later

I HATE THIS BOOK!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IS HORRIBLE! JUST HORRIBLE? HOW CAN PEOPLE LIKE IT? THEY RUIN AUSTEN. Grahame-Smith IS HORRIBLE! EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT….I could go on for hours.

But you don’t want to hear that over and over, instead let’s dissect everything I hated about this book.

A) So Seth Grahame-Smith takes Jane Austen’s work and doesn’t really write a new story but just swaps out pieces for zombies.

Really?

B) Mr. Bennet’s Motivation

So the first biggest problem is Mr. Bennet not wanting his daughters married but “engaged in the deadly arts”. But that doesn’t change that the house and money all revert to their cousin because the estate is entailed.

So if these girls don’t get married how will they live?

Seriously

C) Mr. Bennet Hates His Children

And the way Mr. Bennet hates his daughters? He didn’t hate them in the original book. He thought they were silly and not worth his time, but he didn’t have an outright hatred for them like in here.

That’s not how it was in the book!

D) The “Warrior” Code

In this world “the warrior code demanded she avenge her honor” for the insult that Darcy gave her when he said she wasn’t handsome enough for her. If they can kill for that why didn’t Darcy just kill Wickham?

ooh!

I mean it makes no sense. Yeah, he doesn’t want what happened to his sister to taint her or make her an outcast in society, but in this world you can kill someone for an insult. Why didn’t he just kill Wickham and make up that he said an insult. The rules of this world just don’t work.

E) Elizabeth is a Jerk

Lizzie is so freakin’ cruel. She is incredibly mean to her sisters and everyone around her. Just downright cruel.

F) More “Rules” of Society That Don’t Make Sense

It is “unladylike” to bring more serious weapons than daggers and knives to a ball, but is okay for them to kill, flip around, kicking and showing off their lady parts (no underwear like us), etc. Wow Grahame-Smith you aren’t confusing at all.

G) No Knowledge of Martial Arts

Does Grahame-Smith know anything about martial arts? He has Elizabeth get into a crane position to attack the zombies, but then does a chop on the thigh. That makes no sense at all. Crane positions are for kicking, kicking! Why would you get ready like that and then chop on the leg? It is completely weird and wasteful of energy.

H) None of the Characters Have a Heart

Mrs Bennet says all Charlotte Lucas deserves is a “crust of bread washed down with a cup of loneliness.” You see? Grahame-Smith is so cruel. None of these people were that mean. They all had faults but they wren’t downright heartless. How does removing the heart and soul of the characters make them better? Huh, Grahame-Smith? How. Well I’ll tell you, it doesn’t. It makes it horrible.

Or an author

I) Mr. Bennet is Abusive

Seriously, the way Mr. Bennet talks to his wife is downright abusive. Thanks Grahame-Smith for ruining a fantastic book.

J) You Need to Reevaluate Your Career Choices

All the girls say that they could make great lives as assassins, bodyguards, or mercenaries. Really? Really? You think with all those in the military eventually coming out of the service that won’t be a problem? And how many people need a bodyguard or assassin? And if they are rich enough to hire assassins, bodyguards or mercenaries, why wouldn’t they just get ninjas from Japan or something? And to top it all off you are really only trained to kill zombies, not people. Slow moving, barely threatening zombies. Not the same thing at all. You don’t have the same training for the others.

K) You Can Pretty Much Kill Anyone for Anything

Mary almost kills Mr. Collins when he insinuates that one of them did the cooking. Now, don’t get me wrong, that is a serious insult. He implies that they are so poor they have to take on the role of a servant putting them on the same level of a domestic. But hey, if that is open for murder why didn’t Darcy just kill Wickham? I mean seriously, I just keep circling back to that.

Eh?

L) People Do Not Understand the Levels of Class

I hate how everyone praises that Mr. Bennet says the girls aren’t trained in the kitchen but are trained as warriors. Only one problem, they were never trained for the kitchen. They were too wealthy for that. I blame the Pride & Prejudice (2005), in which they are made to look really dirty,  muddy, with animals running all over the place. They made them look really poor, but the Bennet family wasn’t. They were well-off; the only problem was the estate was entailed and the wealth they had wasn’t theirs to keep, like in Sense & Sensibility. And the reason there is an issue with marrying Mr. Darcy is that his aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, is in line for the throne. I mean a lot of people would have to die, but still hypothetically she could become the next queen of England. That means it would eventually come down to him, so who he marries is a big deal.

Get it right!!!!!

M) Why Wasn’t There a Duel?

So we have Wickham’s big pack of lies about Darcy and how he dishonored himself and Wickham by not giving him the legacy that was originally promised. One issue with that, if in this world you can kill someone for insults why didn’t Wickham do a duel with Darcy or kill him? Why doesn’t Elizabeth think of that?

N) All the Innuendo

The sexual innuendo. Come on Grahame-Smith, is sex all you think about. I feel like the girls in Grease 2, refocus your mind.

And that’s what makes Austen so great. She didn’t need cheap paltry things. She created a fantastic novel full of great wit and amazing work. Every sentience piece of art, delightful storytelling, Grahame-Smith not so much.

O) Front Lines? You Mean No Lines

Elizabeth writes to her aunt that she is on the front lines of battle and prefers it to marriage, love, and family. Only one issue she’s on the front lines of nothing. She’s just hanging out in the country. Front lines would be the battlefield with the soldiers, but Elizabeth isn’t a soldier! She talks as if hired by crown but why isn’t she paid? And she’s only battling the village zombies she’s not even out there fighting where the hordes are coming from. Get off your high horse.

Seriously

P) Why/Where Did the Zombies Come From?

And that’s another thing that bothers me. Why did this happen? How? Why don;t they ever explain?

Q) Grahame-Smith is a Child

Grahame-Smith is a ten-year old boy. I mean think about it. His obsession with body fluids (poop, pee, vomit, farts, etc.) and likes saying balls as much as he can. It’s the only explanation.

Seriously

R) Charlotte a Zombie?

I hated how they turned Charlotte into a zombie. I thought that was a dumb decision. How can no one notice but Elizabeth? Really?!

S) Fifty-Five? Schfifty-Five

Fifty-Five years of zombie attacks? How are there that many zombies in existence to keep living? Why did zombies even start? Explain!!!!

T) The Battle Scenes are the Worse

Let’s talk about my least favorite part-when Elizabeth fights the ninjas. First the way that Lady Catherine talks about being taught by Ninjas. False, ninjutsu wasn’t something you were taught, but passed through families as they were assassins.

Second Elizabeth fights at least three of them according to the illustration, but when she takes the time to strangle one with its own intestine why didn’t the other ninjas kill her?

Really?

The second ninja she blocks the throwing stars, and then grabs the last one midair and throws it back unharmed. You grab something moving that fast that sharp, no way. She would have cut her hand. And hands bleed like crazy.

The third ninja she just throws her katana and kills him. That easy?! Really Catherine with all her money and fame, that’s the best she could hire.

Oh, and I forgot. Elizabeth did that all blindfolded. Hmm, maybe she was hit by the same radioactive stuff that Daredevil was hit with because I don’t think she could have done that.

U) Elizabeth is a Cannibal?

She rips the heart out of the ninja and starts eating it. First that is serious zombie signs right there, I would have killed her. And second, eating human parts, i.e. a cannibal, makes you go crazy and get extremely sick. She should be totally insane right now.

I’m crazy

V) Grahame-Smith’s Mind

Ball joke after ball joke and now fingering? Austen is rolling over in her grave. If she became a zombie and hunted Grahame-Smith down, I wouldn’t mind at all.

W) Why Won’t They Explain About the Zombies?

They travel to the Orient multiple times? Is the zombie plague just in Europe? Western Europe? In America as well? It would be nice if Grahame-Smith gave a moment to EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

X) Who?

On pg. 169 Jane and Elizabeth punish Catherine? Catherine who? Do they mean Kitty? Why call her Catherine suddenly? Strange.

Y) Grahame-Smith Does Not Understand Women or Sisters

Elizabeth dreams of cutting off Lydia’s head? Really? Grahame-Smith doesn’t really know how to write female characters or sisters. First he has Elizabeth being mean to Jane, then Mary, and then Lydia. So completely cruel. And that is one of my biggest problems with this book. I hate Elizabeth! She is mean, cruel, harsh, rude, judgmental, and just downright nasty. I dislike her and don’t want to read more about her as I just can’t stand her. Yes Grahame-Smith, you actually took a character I lived and made me hate her. Good job.

Z) Not Hatred, Circumstances

In this book Grahame-Smith makes Mr. Bennet hate Mrs. Bennet as he finds her stupid and dumb. That’s not how it was in the real book. Mr. Bennet married Mrs. Bennet and didn’t realize that they werent well suited until much later on. They lived well together, spending all the money as no need to save, they will have sons. When no sons came each went to the opposite extreme. Mrs. Bennet became so worried and crazed over her “failure” that she threw all her efforts into trying to catch husbands. That’s why she puts the girls “out” all at once, she wants them settled as soon as possible or they will be worse off then the Dashwood sisters. Mr. Bennet took the failure of no male heir and money a different way, he isolated himself in his library and books, trying to escape reality. They didn’t hate each other, they just didn’t really suit each other, drawing farther and farther apart.

AA) Elizabeth is a Freak

Elizabeth enjoys listening to the screams of burning zombies. What a sadist and creep.

BB) Return of the Bad Fight Scenes

The fight between Lady Catherine and Elizabeth is horrible as well. Leaping all over the place like they are taking part in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon or something, The way Lady Catherine attacks, Elizabeth should be dead. Elizabeth stabs Lady Catherine in the stomach but Lady Catherine survives? What, that isn’t even possible. She’s dead, end of story.

CC) Ew, Yuck, and Gross

Words some Catherine’s lips “After I behead her, ninjas you can do what you want with the body”, Grahame-Smith has some serious issues.

So yeah I hated it.

Grahame-Smith just plagiarized someone else’s work changing a few words here and there and making it horrible. Grahame-Smith offends me to my very core. Destroying talented writing with his scribbles.

This is what I would like to do to him

Grahame-Smith doesn’t even know how to write. His characters are unlikeable, story underdeveloped, and just all around bad, bad, bad.  Only one thing left to do:

This is one book you should defintely skip!

To start the 30 Day Challenge from the beginning, go to It Was a Pleasure to Burn: Fahrenheit 451

For the previous post, go to Why I Still Love My Fair Godmother

For more on Pride & Prejudice, go to Austenland

For more Pride & Prejudice variations, go to Is Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade Really Just Pride & Prejudice?

For more books based on Jane Austen, go to Midnight in Austenland

For more Zombies, go to No Mere Mortal Can Resist the Evil of the Thriller: Thriller (1983)

No Force on Earth or Heaven Could Get Me on That Island: Jurassic Park III (2001)

Are you saying you wouldn’t want to get on Isla Sorna and study them if you had the chance? No force on earth or heaven could get me on that island.

So Jurassic Park III is not nearly as good as Jurassic Park, but much better than The Lost World because of one thing.

Love this guy!

Yep, Jurassic Park III sees the return of Dr. Grant, Sam Neil. 😀 It was supposed to have Jeff Goldblum too, but he injured himself and dropped out.

A lot of people don’t really like this film either.

However, I really like it. I like all the Jurassic Park films. 😀

This version isn’t based on any books of Michael Crichton, but was a newly created plot with a few pieces from the orginal scripts. They took the aviary scene in her from the orginal Jurassic Park novel.  But more about that later.

So the film starts off with two people parasailing around Site B of Jurassic Park, where The Lost World took place. They go into a fog, and the next scene are gone!

Dr. Grant has become famous for his discoveries, but more people want to know about the Jurassic Park incidents than what he has found.

Dr. Grant: [Dr. Grant is giving a lecture] Now, are there any questions?

[everyone in the audience raises their hand] Dr. Grant: Questions not related to Jurassic Park

[many people lower their hand] Dr. Grant: Or the incident in San Diego, which I did not witness.

[everyone else lowers their hand]

Dr. Grant goes to visit Ellie who is married with a baby. (Now this is something I hate, in the book Ellie & Dr. Grant weren’t dating she was already engaged, so I hated in the films how they were dating in the first film but then weren’t together in the last one.) Dr. Grant and his assistant Billy are working together to create a larynx of a Velociraptor.  The two are appraoached by a couple, the Kirbys, who like to go on wild adventure trips and want to have an air tour of Jurrassic Park. They got a special permit and will only be up in the air. Dr. Grant is adamant, no way, but then the Kirby’s place an extremely large check in his face that changes his mind.

While on the plane, Dr. Grant discovers that the two are lying. They have actually been planning the whole time to stop on the island. Dr. Grant tries to get them to stop, when he gets knocked out.

So Dr. Grant is on the island. Although its not the same one, as he was on Site A originally. They try and  leave, but are stopped by a Spinosaurus, something that was’t on InGen’s list.  As they try to escape, a T-Rex appears and they manage to escape right before the Spinosaurus snaps the T–Rex‘s neck.

As they are moving through the island, and being followed by the Kirbys & Co., they discover parasail remains.

This when the whole story comes out. It turns out that the Kirbys are divorced. The wife is remarried and her husband and the Kirby’s son went parasailing and disappeared. The father, played by William H. Macy, went to the traveling agency and hires a guy. The guy who is a “mercenary” and “knows guys” doesn’t really know or do anything he said he could.  And the check is completely fake too. They are looking for their son Eric and needed a guide, so they tricked Dr. Grant. Unfortunately, Dr. Grant was never on Site B, so he’s like I don’t know what is out here.

The group is trying to make its way through the island without dying, and they end up in the actual area where the dinos were constructed.  The one they showed them in Jurassic Park was all for show, but isn’t the real area. When they are there they get attacked by Raptors.

What’s interesting about this portrayl of the raptors is that the designers wanted to incorporate the archeological findings. Scientists have discovered that Raptors were covered in feathers made out of keratin. They couldn’t go completely over the top, so they just put the feathers on the head.

The group gets seperated and Dr. Grant finds himself all alone. He is saved by a young boy, Eric Kirby. Eric Kirby, against all odds, has managed to survive 8 weeks on the island. He’s been living off candy, uses dino pee to scare things off, etc. Eric used to be a big fan of Dr. Grant too.

Erik: Be careful with that. T-Rex. It scares some of the smaller ones away but attracts one really big one with the fin.

Dr. Grant: This is T-Rex pee?

[Eric nods yes]

Dr. Grant: How’d you get it?

Erik: You don’t wanna know.

Erik: I read both of your books. I liked the first one more. Before you were on the island. You liked dinosaurs back then.

Dr. Grant: Back then they hadn’t tried to eat me yet.

Dr. Grant: Did you read Malcolm’s book?

[Erik nods]

Dr. Grant: So?

Erik: I don’t know. It was kinda preachy. And too much Chaos. Everything Chaos. It just seemed like the guy was high on himself.

Dr. Grant: That’s two things we have in common.

The two go out looking for the rest of the group when Eric hears his father’s satellite phone.

I love the Spinosaurus there, he reminds me of my dog Katy, when she gets all riled up and you have her chew toy, she makes that face, posed to attack.

The group manages to escape and head to the compound, hoping to find some radio equipment to call for help. After they catch their breath, Billy asks for his bag back, and Dr. Grant tells him he is fine carrying it. Billy keeps insisting and insisting that Grant hand over the bag. This makes Dr. Grant very suspicious and he looks inside, discovering that there are raptor eggs in there. Along the way, Billy found some and took them, hoping that when they got off the island he could sell them. That’s why they have been chased by raptors.

Dr. Grant is furiuous with Billy. And who can blame him. I mean that it has to be tempting to steal those eggs, but come on Billy these aren’t chickens.

Billy Brennan: You have to believe me, this was a stupid decision but I did it with the best intentions.
Dr. Grant: With the best intentions? Some of the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions. You know what, Billy? As far as I’m concerned, you’re no better than the people that built this place.

They then make their way into a large outdoor cage that hold pteradactyls and other pteranodons. This one of the freakiest scenes in the whole movie. It is super creepy with the fog and the birds. When my sis, niece, and I went to the San Diego Safari Park they have the birdhouse/plant area, it looked JUST like the aviary in Jurassic Park III. I kept saying that if I go in, there are going to be  pteradactyls in there that are going to try to kill me. It freaked my niece out soooooooooooooooo bad!!! She started crying and said she wasn’t going to go in. We had to say so many things to convonce her that she would be okay.

Anyways so they get in the aviary they think is abandoned, but it turns out there is something hiding in there.

The group is reeling from Billy’s death, and make their way down the river on a boat. They float by the Spinosaurus’ poop and find the satillette phone. The Spinoisaurus comes upon them and they begin to fight to  get away.

Dr. Grant manages to get out “Site B River” on the satillete phone to Ellie before he loses it to the river. They manage to get away again. The Kirbys are now all reunited and happy and want to be together.

They are almost free when they are come upon by the raptors. They sense that the Mrs. Kirby, Amanda, is a female and go straight for her. Dr. Grant saves the day when he uses Billy’s larynx creation. He blows in it just right so that it sounds like other Raptors are calling for help.

After they manage to get out of there they take off to the coast where the Coast Guard, Marines, and Navy are waiting for them. They even manage to find Billy.

Billy Brennan: I rescued your hat.
Dr. Grant: Well… that’s the important thing.

They all  make it home okay.

So a couple of years ago they were talking about making a Jurassic Park 4 film, which my friend Margarita and I were super excited about it. But then they canceled when Michael Crichton unexpectedly died.

However, now that it is back on and supposed to be out in theaters in 2015, I am so jazzed! In a few years I can include it in the Horrorfests. 😀

Well that concludes our Jurassic Park Week. 😀

Here’s a cover page/poster I made for my Halloween countdown on Facebook.