So tomorrow is October 1st, you know what that means:
HORRORFEST!!!!!!
31 Days of horror, suspense, mystery, film noir, monsters, ghosts, Alfred Hitchcock, Lifetime, aliens, witchcraft, murder, cyborgs, and more.
Last year Horrorfest was a bit of a downer. My charger broke and I tried to catch up but only was able to do like 17. This year I am working overtime to be sure that I have them all finished.
A couple years ago I put Jane Austen in a costume and added it to my Horrorfest tradition. Last year I Moreland dressed up as Sherlock Holmes, so I decided to have Jane do so this year.
The other day I woke up at four in the morning, having fallen asleep while watching TV, with an upset stomach. It turned out to be pre-period cramps.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
As I knew it was going to be impossible to go back to sleep right away, I decided to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, wash my face, maybe do a mask or scrub, etc.-until the pain passed. While I was in the bathroom I heard a noise that went like this:
Scritch, scritch, scritch, scrith…
It sounded as if something was clawing under the window.
So the window in the bathroom is really old. It is a slat window that has to be opened with a lever, and because of its age it never shuts completely. And the acoustics are really good there as people who are across the yard sound as if they are right next to you.
Ugh.
So at first I wasn’t freaked out. I figured it must be a raccoon or possum or something just digging around in the yard or on a trash can.
Meh.
But then I heard it again and it was louder…and it wouldn’t stop…and it sounded like it was right next to me.
Ahhh!
For a split second my mind went to there is a monster out there:
In fact it made me think of that old “scary” story that everyone told at slumber parties; where the two people are stranded in a car and the boyfriend leaves to go for help. While he is gone the girlfriend continuously hears a scratch, scratch, scratch (or tap, tap, tap) while the boyfriend is gone. In the end, a psycho has been scratching at her car or the boyfriend has been killed and his body is hanging overhead.
So yes, I went there but then I bounced back. I was certain it was no big deal and going to scare off whatever animal was making that noise.
The gun is a metaphor. I wasn’t going to shoot any animals.
I was just about to walk out of the bathroom and go check outside when something jumped into the window!!!!!!!!!!
And then I saw clawed fingers poking into the cracks of the window!!!!!!!
And I have to admit:
But then this thing started to meow angrily.
And my brain realized that the clawed fingers were just the clawed paws of my cat. Lack of sleep, cramps, it being early morning, whatever-had made me not realize that the hands I saw were tiny cat paws not monster hands.
Yes, since I had fallen asleep watching TV, I didn’t bring my cat in and I guess she heard me in the bathroom, or saw the light-but somehow figured out I was in there and was trying to get my attention to let her in.
But hey, I will take being trolled by my cat over a real psychopath (or rodent) scratching under my window any day.
Every three thousand years, the stars align. Unleashing an army of monsters.
If you’ve been following me you’ve read this already, but for the new readers I’m giving a little background as to why I choose a TMNT film. If you have seen it already, feel free to skip ahead
So this is our second installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ films.
So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.
I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.
So last week I started with the 2014 film as it contained a lot of horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.
Today we are doing the 2007 version/remake. In this one we have a lot of horror film components, I mean we have giant stones turning into monsters and trying to destroy New York City. So no use waiting around:
The Review
So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.
I was not excited about this film coming out at all. It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.
But my nephew loved the film and wanted me to watch it with him when it came out. What are you gonna do? It’s family!
But I was right. It was horrible.
So the film starts off with long narration about an Aztec warrior finding a portal to another dimension granting him immortality but his generals were turned to stone. It also released 13 monsters, everything from Bigfoot to the Jersey Devil.
Flashforward to present times, after the defeat of the Shredder, the turtles have broken up.
Yes…I’ll get to that later. So Leonardo was sent to central America to train to be a leader and hasn’t returned. Since then, the remaining turtles have been working
Yes…I know. More later. With Raphael doing vigilante things at night.
April is working as a relic acquirer
And not a reporter
Yes…I know. More later. She runs into Leonardo and convinces him to come back. He does and him and Raphael fight all the time.
OVERDONE
April delivers the statue she find to the uber rich Max Winters, makes me think of Shreck from Batman Returns, and he hires the Foot clan to hunt down the 13 monsters.
The Generals awaken and help hunt down the monsters, but when they discover they won’t be immortal with all 13, they want to betray Winters.
Thanks to Casey, they’ve discovered the Aztec warrior is Winters and try to help him. Meanwhile Leonardo hates the vigilante Raphael is secretly, and tries to stop him. When he finds out it is Raphael, the two fight and Leonardo ends up getting captured by the generals as the 13 monster.
And in the end they save the day, destroy the monsters, and reunite.
So why did I hate it? Let’s count down!
1) CGI
The CGI was horrible. They looked awful and boxy and just bad. I would have preferred 2D. I mean look at Casey, his whole face and body, just no.
Not the right one.
And it’s not like CGI was still working out the kinks. I mean you had some good stuff like Ratatouille, Meet the Robinsons, I mean even the dumb movies like The Bee Movie and Alvin and the Chipmunks had good CGI. This was just bad.
2) Instead of the Turtle Background We are Focusing on Aztec Warrior Meets Monsters Meets Multiple Dimensions
WOW
I know this is so strange. They give the turtle background as to who they are, how they were created, and such like three lines! Three LINES!
Four turtles. Four brothers. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York. Named after the Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas.
And then we are supposed to give our attention to this Yactl or whatever, his generals turning into stone, immortality gift, blah blah…
Blah, blah
Our full attention?
I PAID TO SEE A TURTLE FILM!!! I WANT THE TURTLES!!!
It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!
I mean really, out of all the comic written, this is the back story you want to give us???!!! OUT OF EVERYTHING??? Who was paid to write that? If it had been up to me, as soon as I read that, they would have been FIRED!!!
3) Why Was the Main Warrior Not Turned to Stone?
So how come Yactl was not turned to stone but all the generals were? They never really seem to explain why he was the only one given the immortality. Then again maybe they did, but my mind glazed over when I had to pay attention to the most non-turtle Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film.
Yes film you are so bad you are forcing me to reference not just the Master of Disguise, but its stupidest scene to talk about how I feel.
4) The Turtles are Split Up
Hey guys let me point you to the title of the comics and the films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes did you get that? TurtleS!!!!!!! TurtlesSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT!!!!!! THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE THAN ONE TURTLE FIGHTING!!!
It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!
Yes, they split the turtles up and send Leonardo to South America, why I don’t know. It’s dumb, it makes no sense, just argh!. They are supposed to be a team! When I paid for my ticket I paid to see four turtles not one on his own. And it makes no sense why they would split them up? Like seriously, who wanted that. Did any of these people read the comics or watch the TV show/films. I mean seriously!!!
Let’s move on…
5) April is Not a Reporter but Tomb Raider
April is not a reporter…
Yes April is not a reporter…
April is not a reporter but a tomb raider…
Yes no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds dumb. Why isn’t she a reporter? I mean how could she even go from reporter to tomb raider. It’s not like she’s an archeologist or anthropologist, or knows any of that stuff at all. And I SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A REPORTER!!!!!
And to ease the suckage of this film
6) The Turtles Have Jobs
WHAT!
The TURTLES have JOBS?!!!!!!
Just end the film here because that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
So you are telling me GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES with no social security numbers, good contact info, experience, etc are able to have jobs?
And let’s just forget about the social security number, experience, education; you know all those things you need to work and focus on this tiny little issue: GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES!!!!!!!!!
How do GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES get jobs? Huh HOW?!!!!!!!!!! This is just so stupid that if I think about it any longer my IQ will drop.
7) Why is Raphael the Nightwatcher?
So Raphael is the only one continuing to fight crime and be a ninja superhero. But instead of continuing as himself, he has faux batman gear and even takes on a faux Batman name with Nightwatcher (similar to Nightwing). I mean why does he even have to dress up? He is a giant turtle!!! And why hide it? Just because Leonardo is gone they can’t be vigilantes anymore? That makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are driving me insane!!!!
8) No Shredder
While its true you don’t have to have a Shredder to make a TMNT film, you notice how much they suck when they don’t have one. Like this movie, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. I mean Shredder and Turtles just go together, it’d be like making macaroni and cheese with no macaroni.
9) The Convoluted Plot
It feels like they spend hours talking about Yactl, the monsters, dimensions, blah blah blah.
I totally checked out from this film. I mean I came to see TMNT, not all this useless drivel they keep trying to push. Just dumb, dumb, dumb.
10) Raphael and Leonardo Fight Over Who is the Leader
Ugh I hate this plot thread. It is too:
OVERDONE
I mean it worked in the first film, but because of that it doesn’t mean you have to do it non-stop!! Just do something else. I swear that if I see this repeated one more time in a TMNT film(not counting the 2014 one) I will be held responsible for me actions.
ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!
11) The End
It was horrible, dumb, and I didn’t like it. The only thing that was good was that it was over!
Good-bye forever!
Yes this film was horrible, just horrible. I mean it was so bad, it made the 2014 film look good. For all their faults, at least they tried to make a TMNT film that actually centered on the TMNT.
Well that’s it for this post. Next week I’ll be reviewing the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film. How does it compare? How does it hold up? Well, all those questions will be answered in seven days.
So this week, I noticed they haven’t been playing very Halloweeny songs on the radio. In fact I am sorely disappointed at the lack of it. There may not be thousands of ones to play, but there are some songs that work. So in the same thread of Nostalgia Critic, and because I am behind in posting, I have decided to list my top 5 songs to play on Halloween.
5) The Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Now this film isn’t for everybody, it is a pretty strange film. Tim Curry stars as a sexual transvestite from transexual Transylvania, although he is actually an alien and a mad scientist, building the perfect man Rocky. He also messes with these two people who stop at his castle to get out of a storm, Janet and Brad.
While the film is strange and loved by only a few, the song is extremely fun. It tells you how to dance, and with its strange ghoulishness, is perfect for Halloween.
4) Somebody’s Watching Meby Rockwell
I love this hit from the ’80s. In this Rockwell is a paranoid guy, who believes someone is watching him and coming after him. Michael Jackson sings backup, making it haunting with his higher voice, and Rockwell deeper more talkative then melodious one.
I have to say this is one of my all time favorite jams, I have the whole thing memorized. And it is great for Halloween, not only with the creepy undertone, but the great reference to Psycho (1960).
I’m actually thinking of reviewing this next year for Horrorfest V. I mean the music video is amazing, and so much work went into it, it is like a mini movie.
So this is my favorite Michael Jackson song and one of his all-time best. We have him transforming into a monster, zombies, Vincent Price’s laugh; just unbelievably amazing. And let’s not forget that killer dance and awesome lyrics!
2) Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.
Some of you may be wondering, why I haven’t reviewed this film just yet. There is a reason I’ve been saving it, which I will tell you next year. I know, cliffhanger, I’m sorry.
Anyways, I have been listening to this song every year since I was in kindergarten as schools always play it at dances and Halloween parties. No Halloween is complete with this amazing anthem.
From the awesome music that gets you pumped, to the great singing voice; this song has it all.
1) The Monster Mash by The Groovie Ghoulies
I have spent over 20 years listening to this song. Halloween is not complete unless I have heard this at least once in the month of October.
This songs has every classic monster; Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, Igor, and more all getting together and partying. Words cannot describe how cute and fun I find this song.
