Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles_film_July_2014_poster

People want heroes…but heroes are not born, they’re created.

So this is our first installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films.

So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.

crazy

I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.

So there! tongue sticking out pug

You also might be wondering why am I starting with the 2014 film instead of the 1990 one? Well I decided that I would review the one with the closest horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.

Clive, Colin (Frankenstein)_02

It might be a little confusing working backwards, but fun all the same. So here we go.

DeanSupernaturalLetsGetStarted

The Review

So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.

Bad Sequels psycho-1960-alfred-hitchcock-janet-leigh-pic-21

I was not excited about this film coming out at all. And when I heard that Michael Bay was directing?

ugh

It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.

DislikeYOuScream2

But then, I had some friends tell me they liked it and really enjoyed it. I thought, okay. I’ll watch it, I’ll see how it is.

Hmm...

Hmm…

So I went to the movies and I sat through it. And I really tried to be objective, I really tried to be open and like the film. The only problem was that it sucked.

I don't like it 11

It had some good things, but on a whole it was boring, ugly, the same-old-same-old, and stupid. I hated it. I hated everything they did. They ruined the turtles!

michaelBayruinchildhood

So let’s get started on the actual review.

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So I liked the beginning comic book look for the credits, that was okay although I didn’t like the backstory. I mean it makes no sense that Splinter would want to prepare the turtles to fight Shredder and the Foot clan, unless they had a backstory and prior knowledge of each other, like in the original. This made no sense whatsoever. It was just so stupid!

stupidestThingeverheard

So Megan Fox as April O’Neal. Why, why would you do that? She is a horrible actress because she doesn’t act. If you put her, Kristen Stewart, and Channing Tatum in a room with a pile of wood, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between any of them.

This film suck!

This film sucks!

Now the whole April O’Neal being a young, fluff reporter trying to make it as a serious journalist, at first put me off…but afterwards I didn’t mind it so much.

It works

It works

I prefer the established April, but I didn’t mind that change. I know they wanted to make her young, “hot”, and more relatable to the viewers.

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

So this is the first film to have Vernon, a character from the original cartoon TV show. Instead of being an egotistical jerk, he’s one of those “ugh guys”. You know the type that tries to be Fonzie, but isn’t anywhere as cool as him.

This is you fault!

 So April is looking for a way to break into the serious news scene. She has been hearing rumors of these vigilantes fighting back. She knows there is more but no one will talk to her. One dock hand says he knows a guy that will talk to her later, at night.

What?

What?

That night April heads to the docks to get answers.

hold-up-wait-a-minute-let-me-put-some-pimpin-in-it

Excuse me? At night? What person in their right mind would head down to the docks in the middle of the night?

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That seriously has to be the stupidest thing anyone could do.

So April spots a group of people breaking into the storage containers at the docks and of course calls the police.

do-you-think-im-stupid-do-you-not-see-the-glasses

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That would have been the smart thing to do. Instead she goes to record it, but her phone starts dying. Her phone can’t record anymore, as the battery is too low, but instead of making a phone call to the police and reporting it, she gets closer!

doyouwanttodie

April in the other film was much better as she made smarter decisions.

So this April witnesses the Turtles fighting, sort of. It’s too dark to make it out what is actually happening. She sees the graffiti mark they leave behind and photographs it.

The next day she goes to speak to her supervisor, Whoopi Goldberg. Now this is a big problem with this film. In the original, the actors became the characters. They were all well-known people before the film, but they were just so awesome they became them. In this the stars don’t make you forget, they constantly push it into your face that they are Megan Fox and Whoopi. It would have been better of they had picked different people.

Bad. Very bad.

Bad. Very bad.

Whoopi is especially distracting as I don’t even know what her character name is.

Truth be told I don't

Truth be told I don’t

I also think it is so stupid that she would throw her idea out there in front of everyone instead of going to speak to her editor one-on-one. She should have waited until later.

Seriously

Seriously

So then we switch to our first introduction of Shredder. I thought this was okay. We watch Shredder blindfolded in the shadows, masking his face and fighting the Foot clan. I like that they all speak in Japanese. That was pretty cool.

loveitSupernatural

Now the thing I hate, is they make a big deal on keeping Shredder in the shadows and masking his face, just like in the original, only to show his face and then go back to the shadows. WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO KEEP HIM IN THE SHADOWS AND THEN SHOW HIM WHEN IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG REVEAL.

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

And as we are sidenoting, have you noticed how every single person has green eyes in this film? Do you know how rare that is? I have natural green eyes and hardly run into anyone who has them (naturally). In fact let’s get the statistics.

“Green eye color is the rarest color found around the world, and it is estimated that only around 2% of the world’s population has green colored eyes.”

But yet every single person in this film has been given the green contacts. Seriously, Michael Bay back down.

Look at your life, look at your choices. You are making some really bad ones.

That night April heads down to a big event in which Eric Sacks, gazillionaire, is teaming up with the NYPD to fight crime. And of course, obvious bad guy is obvious.

  1. Owns a huge corporation? ✓
  2. Has gazillions of dollars? ✓
  3. Talks in a creepy voice oozing with evil intentions so that all know he is evil ✓

you're evil

And of course he’s connected to April.

Come on!

Come on!

Yep, as I said this films is full of boring film cliches. He and April’s father used to work together, until a fire destroyed the whole lab, April’s father having died in the process. Same old, same old.

Blah, blah

Blah, blah

Later that night, Megan oops, I mean April, comes across the Foot clan taking hostages in the subway. Instead of calling the police or the paper, she runs toward the action and gets herself taken a hostage.

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 Then she takes footage with her iPhone. Hello, you are taken hostage by people who have no qualms about killing, and while in plain sight you are going to film them?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

doyouwanttodie

She has no common sense at all.

The Turtles come and knock out all the lights, and defeat the Foot clan. Instead of calling the paper and sharing her story, a real story in which could actually help her break into serious reporting, she takes off after the Turtles trying to get a picture of them. She gets one from far away and of poor quality.

Can't see anything

Can’t see anything

To be honest it is their own faults. Why would they hang around the area after fighting of they don’t want to get caught.

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So the Turtles grab her and take her phone. Now why would you do that. Okay in the original April is knocked out and Raphael has no idea what to do. He’s not sure if she is seriously hurt and can’t drop her off at a hospital, so he takes her home. In this the girl is far away, taking a photo at night. The best you are going to get is light flashes, black, and blur. Let it go. Who’s going to believe the story of giant turtles anyway?

Get it together!

Get it together!

But NOOO, they decide, let’s reaffirm her ideas we exist by showing ourselves to her and that they we ARE real.

Can't see anything

Can’t see anything

And I hate the way they made the Turtles. They don’t look real and in the picture. You can tell they are CGI, they just feel fake. And don’t tell me that “that’s the way CGI works”, we had CGI in 2001 with Lord of the Rings, and the stuff in there looks way better than some of the stuff we have today.

This movie

This movie

They also say their “real names” in front of her. Come on, these are teenagers who love pop culture and have never read/seen any superhero thing and realized they need to protect their “secret identity.”

Get it together!

Get it together!

After this whole thing, April runs home trying to figure out where she heard those names before. Excuses me? What happened to the hostage story? That’s a good story. She needs to pitch it to her bosses while she works on the other one. This is why an older, established April works. In the other movies, April played up pieces while continuing to research into the complete story.

You suck!

You suck!

She goes home and finds her old home videos she made of her dad’s lab before he died. Now let me ask you one question. What are the odds that she would have brought those old tapes with her? More likely they would be home and she would have to ask her mom to check the attic or her room for her old stuff.

And to ease the suckage of this film

And to ease the suckage of this film

Anyways, in the videos she named the four turtles that her father is experimenting on. First of all, how would a six-year old even know the names of four great famous artists like Michaelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, and Leonardo? I mean I knew them because I watched the Ninja Turtles. It makes more sense to have Splinter choose those names out of a book he found.

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It turns out that April spent lots of time there, feeding the turtles pizza. Excuse me, would scientists conducting an experiment and heavily monitoring everything, allow the turtles to be feed pizza and possibly skew the results? And why do they only eat cheese pizza in this, turtles eat meat more than dairy?(My niece has a turtle, so I know.)

“Never feed a turtle dairy products, as their stomach cannot properly digest lactose.”

So if they are radioactively changed to eat dairy, why not let them eat everything else on the pizza like in the original, TV show, and comics?

April decides that this is her in with a story.

Come on!

Come on!

Meanwhile, in the sewer the turtles try to sneak in, but Splinter catches them. Now Splinter freaks me out.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t look at him. You guys might not have realized this, but rats are creepy looking. And this version of Splinter is the creepiest. At least in the original he was older, cuddly, cute, and pulled on your heartstrings. You know, an animal version of Mr. Miyagi. This one is a more active rat; mean and more of an instructor than a father. Yes in the original, Splinter was their Ninja instructor/master, but he was also their father and moved between both roles, knowing when to discipline and when to love. In this, Splinter was just cruel and cold, no Fatherly twinges at all. They tell Splinter the truth, and he warns them that April will be in danger, they must go save her.

Plus we have the same old plot of Raphael fighting with Leonardo to be the leader. Blah! Boring!

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

It was great in the first film, and worked for the second, but again? Jeez, guys. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!!! It’s boring to repeat the same thing over and over again.

Blah, blah

Blah, blah

Back on the surface, April has decided that she will give her story of giant Mutant turtles fighting evil and leaving graffiti to her editor in front of everyone. Like that is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Did she not hear how crazy she sounds? Would she really bring all this with zero proof? Like why? This is dumber than dumb.

simpsons d'oh duh

And of course she gets fired, like no duh. What were you expecting?

Come on!

Come on!

She then she heads over to see Eric Sacks to tell him the turtles exist, and we have that old cliché of going to see someone for help and they are actually evil.

So obs

So obs

There Eric shares his back story (Why?) and we find out he grew up in Japan where he was abandoned by his father. He was reared by his mentor/martial arts instructor. This instructor told him an ancient story of Japan and a warlord that took over when crime was running rampant or something. I don’t know. He hands her his card in case she needs anything, and April leaves. Obvious tracker is obvious.

Just stop with these stupid clichés!

Just stop with these stupid clichés!

After April leaves, Eric talk to Shredder who is his mentor that raised him. Now the Shredder in here is boring.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

Originally Eric Sacks was supposed to be the Shredder, but they changed that because fans were upset that the Shredder wasn’t going to be Japanese. They then gave both zero character. Shredder has no real motive, reason, or any development.

meettheRobinsonsPlannotthoughtthrough

The original was AWESOME!!! Why? Well we don’t see the Shredder for most of the figure, just his assistant Tatsu. Then when we are introduced to the Shredder, he is awesome. Taking down people, being scary, evil, all-around awesome bad guy. Then we hear Splinter’s tale of his master being killed by Oroku Saki, and how horrible he was. Only in the end to have it revealed that Oroku Saki and the Shredder are the same person.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow what

So April starts looking online to get more information when Donatello hacks into her computer and tells her to meet them at a certain address. Let me tell you that is the creepiest thing I have ever heard. They sound as if they are going to murder her!!

Gilmore girls creep

And she actually goes there alone, without telling anybody, the middle of nowhere. Man this girl is just asking to die.

Just do it already, end here.

Just do it already, end here.

They take April to the sewers and it is the first film to bridge the actual distance of the fact that they are in a sewer, you know a place where poop is.

Ew Yuck Gross

So here we have the Bay version of the back story. In the original Splinter’s master, Hamata Yoshi and Oroku Saki were rivals in martial arts and in love. They were supposed to fight to the death for the hand of Tang Shen, but as she loved Yoshi and didn’t want to risk his death, they ran off together to America. Oroku Saki doesn’t give up and years later, he tracks them down and murders them. Splinter becomes incensed and attacks Oroku, disfiguring his face. He gets thrown out and winds up in the sewer coming upon four turtles and radioactive ooze. This mutates them and makes them bigger, smarter, stronger, etc. Splinter changes to, and can read, finding a book on painters, naming his adopted turtle children after the people in the book. They find a home in the sewer where he teaches them the secret art of ninja he witnessed his master doing, now not only remembering but able to teach them.

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In Bay’s version, April’s father and Eric Sacks were working on some kind of mutagen that will increase immunity, make you stronger, and the rest unsure of what exactly. They experimented on four turtles and a rat. April’s father was a good scientist only wanting to increase knowledge, while Eric Sacks is evil after money. Same old, same old.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

When April’s father figures this out, he tries to destroy everything, by burning down the lab. It’s kind of his fault he died. April somehow was there and rescued the turtles and Splinter releasing them into the sewer. Okay, if April’s father was to destroy a lab with fire, why would he bring his six year old along?

That makes no sense

That makes no sense

And why do they always have a bad scientist and a good scientist. It’s boring and been in everything from The Amazing Spider-man to The Fantastic Four. And you notice the father that died is always morally upright. I was thinking that is one of the things that makes Star Wars so awesome. They aren’t afraid to go there, they aren’t afraid to have their hero deal with a moral issue of what is right, should I follow in my father’s footsteps, etc.

StarWarsDarker

So in this after being in the sewer, Splinter just happened to come upon a book on Ninjitsu, teaching himself and then the kids. That’s as stupid as when Danny is trying to teach himself karate in The Karate Kid. You can’t learn martial arts from a book. Especially Ninjitsu. Ninjitsu isn’t a real martial art, the Ninjas were assassins, the only way to learn is to be taught. It is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and the dumbest backstory ever!

stupidestThingeverheard

And if the rat is from America and grew up in a lab how does he know so much about Japan? The culture, the essence, etc? If the film took place earlier, it might work as the ’90s were a plethora of ninja things. But in this version, the film takes place in 2014, the turtles are 15-16, which means that the kids and Splinter start their “mutant” life in 1998-1999, meaning they grew up in the 2000s. That means that Splinter should know nothing about Ninjas, Japan, etc. If anything, they should be obsessed with cops and CSI.

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So back on Shredder, Eric Sacks has given him an ugly robotic suit. Just no, no, no, no.

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And with Shredder, why do you keep putting his face in shadow? You already showed us his face, why bother?

Get it together!

Get it together!

So the Shredder comes with the Foot to take down the Turtles and kidnap them for their blood. They trip the alarm. And booby traps. Wait no, no, no that is not what happens. In a world where the Turtles have every kind of tech in the world that exists and more that Donatello made, they have nothing whatsoever to protect their hideout?

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

In the original it made sense, the only tech they had was cable. They lived off what they scrounged. So they don’t have any booby traps or worries about people finding them. In this, they have a gargantuan amount of tech, but no security system? These boys read superhero comics and watch TV, they should have thought to have something.

This is what I would like to do to the stupid in this film.

This is what I would like to do to the stupid in this film.

So Shredder and Splinter fight. I do like how Splinter is younger and can fight, using his tail to as a weapon. But it was kind of sad too, as Splinter is no longer Mr. Miyagi, but now Jackie Chan. However, there is a weird dynamic between the two. Shredder and Splinter act as if they are mortal enemies, but why?

That makes no sense

That makes no sense

In this film they have no connection to each other. They know nothing of each other, really. In the original they fight because Splinter ruined his face, and when Shredder sees him, he becomes enraged. In this Shredder even calls Splinter a “father”. How would he know that?

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

I hate the Shredder’s fighting style too. In the original he was a master martial artist and we see him actually fight. In this one, it’s more the tech on his suit. BORING!!!

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

They knock Splinter out (dropping a wall on him), and Raphael. They steal the other three.

As April only has a bike, she calls up Vernon to help them. When he gets there she tells him she needs a ride to the Sacks estate as they need to save the TMNT.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow what

Jeez April, Vernon hasn’t been spending every moment with her, he doesn’t know what’s what. You need to give it to him a bit slower. You sound like a psycho.

Victor Moritz: You're crazy! Henry Frankenstein: Crazy, am I? We'll see whether I'm crazy or not.

She’s crazy!

Raphael reveals himself, and they all head off to the Sacks estate.

At the Sacks estate, Eric reveals his evil plans. They want their blood to make an antidote for a virus they created and will be releasing onto the world. The reason? MONEY!!! People dying will pay through the nose for it. Even though Eric is a gazillionare, he wants more. Like world domination would make way more sense than money?

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

April and Vernon crash into the estate and go in to save the turtles. As they are fighting, they manage to release the turtles giving them shots of adrenaline. Now I tried to discover of this would really help, and it seems adrenaline can reduce blood loss, but there was nothing there on bringing people back after massive blood loss. I’m saying, they died. The end.

TheEnd_Title_2

The group hijacks a truck and makes there way down to save the day. Now this scene has some stupid parts, but it was pretty cool. The only thing I hate, they made Donatello more than the nerdy one, they downright Urkeled him. I hate that.

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

The elevator scene, probably the best part in the whole series. Cute and funny.

They go to do the final fight with Shredder and I hated it. It was boring, cliche, and there is no way they would have survived.

Mysteryofthe13thguestdead

April manages to secure the mutagen. She later attacks Shredder trying to channel Indigo Montoya but failing.

inigo montoya PrincessBride kill my father prepare to die

The Turtles then band together with a maneuver that allows them to push Shredder off the roof. Donnie goes to stop the toxin’s release as Shredder pulls himself back up. Leo, Raph, and Mikey continue to hold him off, and Donnie is able to stop the release with a second to spare. Shredder then tries to knock the top of the tower down, and the Turtles try holding it back as April gets to the roof and shows off the mutagen to Shredder to distract him. The top of the tower comes crashing down as Shredder lunges at April and throws them both off.

What was the Shredder’s plan here? Run toward crumbling architecture?

meettheRobinsonsPlannotthoughtthrough

They hang on for dear life, and the Turtles try to save April. Shredder tries to finish them off, but Leo throws his katana at him, causing Shredder to lose balance and fall to the ground.

We know he doesn’t die as you can’t really kill the Shredder. He’s always needed for the sequel.

Get it together!

Get it together!

The top of the tower comes loose, taking April and the Turtles with it. Then we hear this really boring thing from Raphael, blah blah blah. I’ve already checked out.

Blah, blah

Blah, blah

And when everything is done, EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE TURTLES!!! WORST NINJAS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2013-11-27-bradpitt friends ugh slap face stupid

In the end Vernon still trying to put the moves on April, and failing. We end with Happy Together a sad song about hoping you aren’t dumped instead of the awesome and pumping turtle power or Go Ninja or anything.

It pretty much it sucked and was absolutely horrible. Once again, Michael Bay trying to destroy everything I love.

HateEverythingthewomen

Why did they ever have to remake it?

And to ease the suckage of this film

And to ease the suckage of this film

But there is one good thing to come out of this: How It Should Have Ended

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to A Matter of Loaf and Death: Wallace and Gromit (2008)

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For more on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go to Return of the Fandom

For more How It Should Have Ended, go to We’re Mad Scientists. We’re Monsters: Avengers, Age of Ultron (2015)

For more sucky remakes, go to Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

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At the End of the Rainbow: 17 More Irish Heroes

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

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“Those Irish men and women…[who’s] rich vitality and culture they brought with them. Britain, the U.S. and many commonwealth countries are richer for their presence.”   –Tony Blair

So I picked seventeen of my favorite Irish characters from film, TV, and books. I had to get a little more creative as I used up a lot of my all time favs last year. Next year I might have to do only seven. So they mostly turned out to be cops, but I swear I didn’t plan that, it just kinda happened. Hope you enjoy! 🙂

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Irish_National_Quidditch_team

17) Irish National Quidditch Team from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter is about to start his fourth year at Hogwarts, but before the term starts he will be joining the Weasleys and Hermione Granger at the Quidditch World Cup to see Ireland vs. Bulgaria. While there, Voldemort’s followers come and fire the Dark Mark into the sky, signaling that Voldemort will return soon. At Hogwarts, they are hosting the Triwizard Tournament, however, only those over 17 will be allowed to enter. The Goblet of Fire ends up choosing  Fleur DelacourViktor Krum, and Cedric Diggory to compete in the tournament. But to everyone’s surprise, the cup chooses a fourth name, Harry Potter. The four compete in many tasks, surmounting in the final course, conquering a maze. There they discover that the Champion cup is a Portkey that takes them to Voldemort and allows him to begin his evil plan.

Why they are awesome:

First of all, let me just say that I LOVED this book. The movie was so-so, but the book was amazing. Anyways, so the Irish Quidditch team is super cool. They were up against Krum, who is pretty tough, the Bulgarian Veela and still managed to make it out on top. They didn’t catch the snitch but were able to still win with a score of  170-160. Pretty sweet.

For more on Harry Potter check out Even After All This Time

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Greta_The_Dead_1987

16) Greta Conroy from  The Dead

The Dead is by James Joyce and about an Irish family and friends celebrating Epiphany. Three spinsters, Aunt Julia, Aunt Kate, and Mary Jane are hosting a party. Gabriel, the nephew and one of the main characters, attends the party with his wife Greta but rejects his Irishness, wanting to be more British and his ideas clash with the others at the party.

Why Greta is Awesome:

Greta is awesome because she has to put up with a lot having a husband like Gabriel. He doesn’t want to visit West Ireland were she is from, tries to force all these modern ideas upon her and the family; etc. But Greta, while she compromises at times, as that is crucial to every relationship, she doesn’t always give in. She sticks to her guns if it is something she really cares about. Greta also lost the boy she loved when she was young, and has persevered through that pain all the years. She married and move on with her life, no one ever knowing about the travesty in her past. A real warrior, she is.

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Freddy The Dead

15) Freddy Malins from  The Dead

The Dead is by James Joyce and about an Irish family and friends celebrating Epiphany. Three spinsters, Aunt Julia, Aunt Kate, and Mary Jane are hosting a party. Gabriel, the nephew and one of the main character, attends the party with his wife Greta but rejects his Irishness, wanting to be more British and his ideas clash with the others at the party.

Why Freddy is Awesome:

Now when we are first presented Freddy, he seems like the fullfillment of the Irish stereotype. He is slovenly and drunk, but as we see more of him, you find out that there is much more to him then meets the eye. (Plus his mom is always ragging on him and saying he is a horrible, stupid person. I think she would drive anyone to drink.) Joyce purposely had Freddy be the stereotype, so that when he revealed more of who he was it would make you refrain from making rash judgements and make his character of being kind and caring even more surprising. When Aunt Julia, retired singer, performs and doesn’t do that well, he immediately jumps up and compliments her. When everyone is saying bad things about the Irish opera singers and such, he pips up and not only praises them but the African-American singer. Kudos to Freddy always speaking his mind and being adorable.

4_leaf_clover_bannerThomas_Mitchell_as_Gerald_O_Hara

14) Gerald O’Hara from Gone With the Wind

Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell, is the story of a Southern family that goes through some radical changes from the Antebellum period, to the Civil War, and the Reconstruction era. At the heart of all this chaos is the story of the beautiful, ruthless Scarlett ‘O’ Hara and the dashing soldier of fortune, Rhett Butler.

Why Mr. O’Hara is awesome:

Now I know a lot of people hate this movie, but trust me the book is much better. You really get a better sense of the characters and really understand their motivations and what in the past made them who they are.

So in the movie we don’t get much of the dad. We see a bit of him in the beginning and then when he goes crazy from grief and loss of his wife. But in the book he was pretty cool. Back in Ireland he was a part of a Catholic Emancipation group, like the Ribbonmen or such. He has to flee Ireland because of his illegal activities. He comes over to America who works with his brother in his store, but decides that he wants to have more. He wants to be one of higher position and actually does it. Pretty sweet for any immigrant. He wins the plantation in a poker game and builds it up, creating a vast fortune. He tries to marry, but isn’t completely ingrained in Southern society. They like him but don’t “know his family”, you know how people were. So he goes back to his brother so that he can find someone, and falls for the beautiful Ellen, from a very old, established family. Everyone tells him he’s stupid for thinking that he could ever win her heart, but he does. (Her heart being broken from her cousin does help the situation). O’Hara is pretty cool; political activist sticking it to the man, self-made millionaire, and won the heart of the prom queen equivalent; daddy O’Hara is one amazing guy.

For more on Gone With the Wind, go to My Favorite Movie Lines

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13) Michael Hagarty from “Widow, Weep for Me” Murder She Wrote

Jessica Fletcher goes undercover at a Caribbean resort to discover who murdered her friend. When she gets there she finds sand, sun, and plenty of suspects.

Why Michael is Awesome:

Michael is an ex-MI5 agent and has a colorful past. He is debonair, great in a crisis, handsome, and has an amazing accent. 🙂 He is a great character that helps Jessica catch the real killer. He’s the type of guy you’d always want on your side (crack shot, safe cracker, etc) and to date. It’s the accent and lethal skills. 😉

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12) Lily the maid from The Dead

The Dead is by James Joyce and about an Irish family and friends celebrating Epiphany. Three spinsters, Aunt Julia, Aunt Kate, and Mary Jane are hosting the party. Gabriel, the nephew and one of the main character, rejects his Irishness and clashes with others at the party.

Why Lily is Awesome:

We only get a small glimpse of Lily in the book and film, but what we see of her is awesome. Lily is a modern woman, not one to be subservient in spirit. The aunts are starting to dislike her as she is no longer as malleable as she was, but more opinionated. Besides, I love her snarky remark when Gabriel suggests that she will be marrying soon; “the men that is now is only all palaver and what they can get out of you.” Gabriel is shocked at her for saying such things, but Lily just tells it like it is.

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11) Connor McGuire from A Passion Most Pure

Connor McGuire is a total bad boy. After his father died, Connor turned away from the life he was living only focusing on himself and pleasure. He goes after Charity O’ Connor, but finds himself falling for her older sister Faith, even though he doesn’t agree with her faith. Connor finds his life being changed by the O’Connor clan, Faith and WWI.

Why Connor is awesome:

While originally Connor was a class A jerk, (on par with Glenn from The Wedding Singer) later on he changes his life and becomes an extremely endearing man. Faith and his war buddy Brady’s faith really infect Connor and makes him reevaluate his life. He becomes a better person, adding to his attractiveness. When he reenters Faith’s life, instead of trying to freak her out or hurt her, like before, he only cares about making her happy. He knows that she is getting married, and keeps his distance from her, only caring for her happiness. Of course, in the end, the two get together as they are perfect for each other.

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Shawn Spencer

10)Shawn Spencer from Psych

Shawn Spencer has been trained by his dad to cultivate his photographic memory to become super observant, analytical, etc; all in his efforts to create the perfect cop. However, Shawn  resists his father and rebels against him. Eventually to escape being imprisoned for knowing too much about recent crimes and figuring out who the perpetrator’s are, he lies to the Santa Barbara Police Department, saying he is a psychic. He then finds himself working alongside the cops; particularly head detective, Carlton Lassitar, and his partner Juliet O’Hara.

Why Shawn is awesome:

Shawn can be a jerk, childish, selfish, and a bit whiney at times; but all in all he is one pretty cool guy. He may be a goofball, but he is also highly intelligent, passing the detective test 100% at age 15, often feeling that things are too easy for him. He has great taste in films and music, making all these references that I absolutely adore. While he often uses Gus; his money, car, etc; he cares for his friend and would do anything for him. He cares for all his friends helping Lassiter when he was in a crime-solving slump and thought to have committed murder, Chief Vick from being fired, etc.  As the series progresses, Shawn matures; refraining from his previous extreme narcissistic tendencies. He and Juliet start dating in the last few seasons, this relationship really changing his childish ways, but not too much, as Juliet’s level-head and stable life works really well with Shawn.

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9) Billy Costigan from The Departed

The Departed is a great film that gives a dual view of one main event. Colin Sullivan has been raised by mobster Frank Costello, and is a mole for him in the Massachusetts State Police’s organized crime unit. Billy Costigan comes from a criminal background, but instead of graduating from the academy and going into law enforcement he gets placed undercover to figure out who is the rat is and bring him down. The two start living similar lives as they both start a relationship with the same psychiatrist and both become heavily stressed as they get closer to finding out who the rats are.

Why Billy is awesome:

Billy sacrifices himself as a mole for the department. That’s a huge risk to take, working for the underlords, having to play a role 24/7, no one ever knowing who you are or the good you are doing, etc. Plus he really kicks butt when he takes out guys as his cover. I mean imagine the pressure he is under and how awful it would be. And he is so patriotic, how he gave his life over because he believed it was better to do it this way. Plus he tries to kill Matt Damon, and anyone who does that is AWESOME! I hate Matt Damon, go to number 3 to read why.

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8) Scarlett O’Hara from Gone With the Wind

Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell, is the story of a Southern family that goes through some radical changes from the Antebelluem period, to the Civil War, and the Reconstruction era. At the heart of all this chaos is the story of the beautiful, ruthless Scarlett ‘O’ Hara and the dashing soldier of fortune, Rhett Butler.

Why Scarlett is awesome:

Okay so I know, I know people really hate her. She is horrible and does some horrifying things in the film, but the book is much, much, much, much, better. Trust me the book was awesome I recommend reading it. (Just FYI there will be posts on some of my favorite quotes from this book. I don’t know when, but they will be a-coming.)

So Scarlett has a bunch of bad qualities, yes its true. She is selfish, a man stealer, a horrible mother, cruel, and stuck in the past. She does ruin her relationship with Rhett because she is so hung up on stupid Ashley. I thoroughly recommend this book for anyone who just ended a relationship, as it shows you why you must move on!

However, she is a pretty cool character with a lot of good qualities. Okay so Scarlett is a Southern women in the Antebellum period and has very little schooling. In fact she has very little worth or path in life other than to marry and have children. But Scarlett doesn’t follow that path. She lives her own life and does her own thing, not because she wants to, but because there is no one else to; so takes it upon her self to get things done. She works the land, runs the plantation, pretty much becomes the head of the household. It’s all on her to make sure everyone has food. Then a Union deserter comes around and she takes him out. She uses the gun that Rhett gave her and makes sure that her family and womanhood is safe. She does steal her sister’s passive and simple beau, but whips him into shape, making him and her family sucessful. She also operates a lumber mill, while not being the most highly educated, still having a brain for numbers. Now everyone tells  her she isn’t being a lady, running businesses and doing better than her husband. Everyone tries to convince her to stop, but she keeps on doing it. Power to you!!! Here is a woman who is doing whatever she wants, what makes her feel strong; even it it means going against society. She continues to be this strong, forceful woman throughout the rest of the novel; even though she does make a lot of bad decisions. Still, for a woman in the 1800s to have her own business, earn her own money, choose who she will marry (several times), is pretty awesome!

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Seamus McFly

7) Seamus McFly from Back to the Future: Part III

So 1985 Doc has been sent back to the Wild West, and its up to 1955 Doc to send Marty back so that he can save him. While there, Marty meets his newly immigrated family and discovers that Doc doesn’t want to return to the ’80s but enjoys living in the West. However, after discovering that Mad Dog Tannen (Biff’s grandfather) is out to kill him Doc agrees to return with Marty, that is until a pretty young teacher catches his eye. Then Mad Dog decides that he will switch his vendetta to Marty. Now both are in a dilemma.

 Why Seamus is awesome:

So this is the second year in which a Back to the Future character and a Michael J. Fox character has made it onto the Saint Patrick’s Day countdown. Let’s given them a big round of applause! Now back to business.

First of all he is played by Michael J. Fox. Instant Win. Anyways, Seamus is Marty’s great-great grandfather, newly Irish immigrants. He discovers Marty, after  he was chased by Native Americans and fell. Even though he doesn’t know him, and his wife says that he should’ve left him, Seamus helps him because he believes it is the right thing to do. Seamus is awesome, because even though he is bullied and harrassed by the Tannen’s he ignores it. Now that takes a lot of self-control and patience and fortitude to just ignore it and keep going. To be able to walk away from a fight because you know the issue is not that big a deal, that’d you’d rather not die over a silly argument. He became this way after his brother Martin, Marty’s namesake, was provoked and killed in a knife fight. His wisdom and positivity teaches Msarty to control himself as well, and helps make his future better.

For more on Back to the Future, go to The Clock is Ticking

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6) Maggie McKendrick from The Parent Trap (1961)

Sharon is traveling to camp from California. She meets Susan from Boston. This wouldn’t be unusual except for the fact that they look exactly alike. That’s right, Sharon and Susan are twins, separated after their parents divorced, each getting one to take home with them. The two become friends and decide to switch places in order to get to know the other parent and reunite their parents. Unfortunately, a lot has changed while Sharon was away. Her father met someone and is engaged! Now the girls are trying to reformulate their plan to break up her dad and his fiancé, and get the mom to CA and back with the dad.

Why Maggie is awesome:

So if you haven’t guessed this is the original, and while I like the remake, this one is just so amazing. First of all it has Maureen O’Hara. I just love her!

Anyways, Maggie is super cool. When Sharon (pretending to be Susan) comes home with pieced ears and short hair, she doesn’t freak out, or get angry, but instead praises her daughter and supports her decisions. Not only does she approve, but tells her she looks wonderful.  When she discovers that her ex-husband, and love, is going to throw his life away on a vapid, horrible, cruel gold-digger; she goes out there and fights for her daughters and her  man. And instead of being mean or bitter; she just acts her beautiful nice self; winning everyone over. The fam is going to go on a camping trip and Vicky gets jealous about Mitch and Maggie spending time together, Maggie steps aside; not only because she knows Vicky will reveal her true colors, but because she is the bigger person. She’s just a sweet, considerate, kind, and a bit edgy person; someone you can’t help but love.

For more on Maureen O”Hara, check out the 25 Films of Christmas

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5)Faith O’Connor from A Passion Most Pure (Different Synopsis from the one before)

Faith O’Connor has only ever loved one man, Connor McGuire, who after his father’s death drastically changed and is no longer the man he once was. Faith finds comfort in her faith, and keeps praying and loving him silently. Faith and her sister Charity have always been rivals and now Connor is courting her sister while at the same time making a play for Faith. This story spans from Boston to Europe as the beginning of WWI changes everything.

Why Faith is awesome:

Faith is amazing. She recovered from polio and her twin sister’s death. She has to contend with her younger sister being prettier and attracting all the beaus, with little Faithy always bullied and left in the dust. But even through all this she continues to pray and show her love for others. She is never mean, bitter, harsh, or cruel to anyone; even to her sister, who steals both of the men she loves; Conner and her fiancé, Mitch. Instead Faith just tries to be kind and care for everyone.

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4) Juliet “Jules” O’Hara from Psych

Psych is about a super observant man, Shawn Spencer, who pretends to be a psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department. His pharmacist friend, Burton Guster, assists him and the two work with head detective Carlton Lassiter and his partner Juliet O’Hara.

Why Jules is awesome:

You might recognize her from the DCOM Model Behavior (one of two people on this list who have been in DCOMs). Jules is the young police officer who moves from Miami to Santa Barbara when Carlton Lassitar’s old partner is transferred. Jules may be a very pretty, bubbly, sweet, rainbow-sunshine kind of girl; but she is not just bubbles and fizz, but is a very deep and intelligent person. She has scored the highest on the detective test (second to photographic memory Shawn), beating Carlton Lassitar. She also is fluent in Spanish, due to her time in Miami. While she is gentle and sweet, she can be gruff and unmoving when she needs to be; holding her own and not allowing anyone to walk over her. She and Shawn Spencer end up getting together and her stability and his goofiness work well together.

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Staff Sergeant Dignam The Departed

3) Staff Sergeant Dignam from The Departed

Mark Wahlberg is the second person on this list to make a return from last year, read it to see my thoughts on The Fighter.

The Departed is a great film that gives a dual view of one main event. Colin Sullivan has been raised by mobster Frank Costello, and is a mole for him in the Massachusetts State Police’s  organized crime unit. Billy Costigan comes from a criminal background, but instead of graduating from the academy and going into law enforcement, he gets placed undercover to figure out who is the rat is and bring him down. The two start living similar lives as they both start a relationship with the same psychiatrist and both become heavily stressed as they get closer to finding out who the rats are.

Why Staff Sgt. Dignam is awesome:

Like I mentioned in A Horse’s Tale, I can tolerate very few Matt Damon films. However, I absolutely love Mark Wahlberg, he’s just so attractive! Anyways, Mark Dignam is the one in charge of the undercover unit, and one of two who knows that Billy is the department’s rat. He is a great cop who really cares about ending the crime in the area, and about the people in his unit. When Colin starts messing with his investigation and wants names, instead of giving in Dignam just takes a leave of absence, disappearing rather than reveal who his person is. However, the best thing about Dignam, besides the fact that he is Mark Wahlberg, he takes out Matt Damon! 😀

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2)Kevin “Corky” Corcoran from Copper

Copper is about the NYPD in the mid 19th century. New York is a crazy place with the Civil War  going on bringing tension between Southerners and Northerners; the racial clashes between “Americans”, “White” Europeans, Irish, and African-Americans. Corky is one of the “coppers” trying to keep the notorious Five Points in line with its murders, thievery, prostitution, opium trade, etc.

Why Corky is awesome:

Now Corky isn’t perfect, but he is one pretty awesome (and Hot!) guy. Corky, while having faults and vices, is one pretty honorable person who tries to be just and fair, caring for all in his community. He tries to save a child prostitute from her slavery; love and be true to his wife, even when she cheated on him and killed their child; one of the few men who is not a racist, not only respecting Dr. Freeman, but becoming really good friends with him. He makes sure prostitutes are not mistreated, people are not unjustly thrown in prison, women are not accosted by their landlords, and those that break the law, hurt others, molest/rape children get what’s coming to them. That’s another thing that makes Corky so amazing (and sexy!) is that he not only a honorable man, but one of action who goes out and takes care of things.

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1) Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter from Psych

Psych is about a super observant man, Shawn Spencer, who pretends to be a psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department. His pharmacist friend, Burton Guster, assists him and the two work with head detective Carlton Lassiter and his partner Juliet O’Hara.

Why Lassie is awesome:

Now I have a huge TV crush on Carlton Lassiter, its a little hard not to. He is pretty awesome (although tightly wound). Now some of you may recognize him as the evil leprechaun from the DCOM Luck of the Irish, for more on that check out last year’s post. However, as Lassie, Carlton is far from evil. Carlton is a strictly by the book kind of guy; SB law, the Constitution, NRA, etc. He is a great cop, a bit old fashioned, but stubborn, persistent, etc. While he can be pigheaded, truth be told it would be hard dealing with Shawn all the time. He is a huge Clint Eastwood fan, wishing he could be Dirty Harry or Tom Highway. He also loves Westerns and wants to be a modern day cowboy. He is a huge Civil War history buff and takes part in reenactments. He knows how to shot like every type of gun and has built up a immunity to chloroform. However, the best thing about him is how strongly he throws himself into relationships. He does everything he can to try and work things out with his ex-wife (really not wanting to get a divorce). True he did cheat on her with his old partner, but they had been separated for quite some time and she was porking around with someone else. (Doesn’t make it right but it is understandable). However, the best thing was when his gf was arrested and imprisoned (she stole blood from a blood bank for her sick brother), he went and visited her every time he was allowed to. Nothing kept him from being there or true to her. He also did everything he could to free her from the jail. So sweet! 🙂

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So Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! I know I’ll be wearing green, just so no stupid  kids try and pinch me. And watching this movie like I do every year.

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But I hope you all have a wonderful day in however you celebrate it.

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Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

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