What are you? I’m Batman: Batman (1989)

So it is time for our Tim Burton movie!

Batman: I’m not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.

Nic: What are you?

Batman: I’m Batman.

So I was trying to decide which Tim Burton movie to do next, when I saw this at the library and realized this was perfect as it turns 30 this year.

Some of you might not think this counts, as it is a superhero film but I say it does.

Yes, first of all every year on abcFamily, now known as freeform, as part of their 13 Night of Halloween they would always show this. So I always associate this film with Halloween.

The second reason it counts is because the Joker is chemically changed into a monster, but even without that he is a total psycho-killer.

So I grew up watching this film and I just love it. When I think of Batman, to me it is always Michael Keaton or Kevin Conroy. There is no other Batman (although I do recognize Adam West, I just never watched his show until I was older) This is an absolutely amazing film and Keaton is an amazing Batman. So without further ado…

We have an amazing opening with fantastic music…oh yeah, Danny Elfman did the music, Tim Burton just loves him.

Gotham city-I have always loved how it looked as it was a blend of modern with art deco giving it feeling of being both times and not of the time.

So a guy is leaving the theater with his family at night trying to get a taxi. They are tourists and lost. As they walk around the bad side of town, they get mugged, the father getting knocked out. (Although to be honest, it was kind of his fault. Why didn’t he stay in front of the theater?)

That’s not good.

So one of the robbers look like Kevin Bacon but it is totally a discount Kevin Bacon.

So the best part is when Batman creeps up behind the two muggers as they are dividing up the spoils. His cape flying out, creepy and cool. Spooky!

Spooky…

He takes them down, so tough and awesome. I know the costume kept him from moving his head right, but it looks so cool. He looks otherworldly.

Wow!

He was supposed to say something else about being justice in the night or so. But Michael Keaton changed it to “I’m Batman”, and it was awesome!

He takes those muggers down and flies out.

Meanwhile, the mayor is having a news conference with him appointing a new district attorney, Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams)-although why isn’t he in the third film? Why did they replace him with first of all, a white guy, and secondly why Tommy Lee Jones?

I’m surprised

Meanwhile Jack (Jack Nicholson) is a thug watching the conference. I can’t stand Jack Nicholson, he just looks creepy in EVERYTHING. That voice, that smile, it creeps me out. And not in a good way like Vincent Price.

He’s talking to his moll, mobster’s gal, about his plans for keeping control of the city.

Meanwhile, on the conference they get questioned about “The Bat”, by reporter Knox. No one believes the reporter, and laugh it off.

I love how they all wear 1940s clothes! Oh, I just love this movie. They have that film noir, Dana Andrews in Laura vibe going on.

Laura

It turns out one of the detectives is dirty, on the payroll of Jack. He tells him that D.A. Dent is onto one of their deals, a property, and he needs it to be handled. The cop insults him, but Jack is not having that, he pulls a gun on him. Watch out you are dealing with a psycho.

Don’t mess with me!

This is why you don’t become involved with bad guys, they can easily kill you.

The mayor is trying to take done crime and wants Grissom to go on trial. He wants to bring business back and revitalize the town.

Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger) meets with Knox, the pressman from earlier. She’s a photojournalist and is interested in this “Bat”. She knows that if they can prove it-it’s pulitzer prize worthy. She wants a piece by trying to get a picture of it. He thinks that he might show up to Bruce Wayne’ social, and she has an invite. Already they are a dynamic duo.

Sorry!

Meanwhile, Grissom and Jack are discussing what to do about this Dent. Grissom wants Jack to take care of him. Grissom’s moll comes, and its the dame that Jack was with. Oh it looks like Jack was a naughty boy.

I love how Jack wears a purple suit. I like when movies do things like that, setting the stage for what is to come. Plus that suit is sharp, I don’t find him attractive-just creepy-but I can see why she might be into him.

Grissom sends Jack out, but I can’t help but feel that there is more to this than mets the eye.

Oh yes, he calls up Lt. Eckhardt and it seems he found out about Jack dating his girl and he is on the way out.

That’s not good.

So the big Casino Night Gala has come. All the bigwigs are there and Knox. Vicki Vale has come too, working the room searching for Bruce Wayne. She taps a guy asking for his help and it is Michael Keaton.

Our first look at him. I think I love him as Batman because he is just a regular guy. He’s not ostentatious, he’s not super serious-he’s cool, composed, and just chill. I love it as you don’t realize who he is until later as he is just so normal. Perfect intro and contrast to when we see how awesome he is as Batman.

So like I said, it is the perfect intro, but it is weird that these reporters don’t know who he is. He’s a gazillionaire and leading philanthropist in the city. I mean Vale gets a somewhat pass as she has just arrived in the city, but Knox should know!

Knox and Vale notice Commissioner Gordon speaking to a police officer. Sensing a story, they try to track him down, but end up in an armory.

Bruce Wayne comes in as they eviscerating his collection. I love it. Who are you-Bruce Wayne.

He compliments them and I can’t get over it. He’s perfect! You would never ever think a guy like this would dress up as a giant bat and run around the city protecting it.

I’m surprised

He starts flirting with Vale but has to run off. The two just can’t get him as he seems so odd? But you know what they say, the rich aren’t odd they are “eccentric.”

Bruce enters his batcave where he goes over the film he shot of the Commissioner, getting the info on what was going on. I like this version because he actually does detective work, rather than in the Christian Bale version when Morgan Freeman solves everything.

Lt. Eckhardt is leading the people who are out to get Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack the first rule of being in a mob, never get with the boss’ gal. Should’ve know.

The police shoot them and gunfire starts between the two in a dangerous warehouse full of chemicals. Gordon shows up with his people as he doesn’t trust Eckhardt. He goes over Eckhardt refusing his order shoot to kill as he wants Jack alive to get the goods.

Jack destroys the warehouse, steam and bullets flying everywhere. But then Batman descends slowly from nowhere. SO COOOL!!!

He uses his batarang to catch one of the criminals. OMG every time I watch this I feel like I go back to the age I was when I first saw this on VHS. I was probably six or seven and after seeing this just thought Batman was SO COOOOL! Still feel this way 20-21 years later.

And that music.

So COOL!!!

Anyways Jack tried to make enough steam to confuse the cops and get out of there, but he didn’t count on the Batman.

I love how he flies in his cape flowing so cool!

WOW!

He catches Jack, using his utility belt to get the gun away, but Jack’s man gets Gordon. Jack picks up his gun to shoot Batman, but he’s gone. So COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Sorry, I can’t help it, 6-7 year old me just keeps popping out.

Jack shoots Eckhardt and tries to get Batman, but accidentally mars his own face, Then oops Barman accidentally knocks him into vat of chemicals, he tries to save him but oops, Jack falls in.

Batman throws a fogbomb and is gone! Sooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So COOL!!!

Vale and Knox are working on the story, but haven’t figured anything out yet. Knox tries to take Vale out, but Wayne asked her first.

Too slow

He invites her to his home for dinner. It always cracks me up- he’s in this ostentatious and gorgeous house, seated at a giant table that could fit 20 and acts like a regular joe. I love it. I love him. Michael Keaton is one of my favorites.

He takes her from the dining table to eating in the kitchen instead. There Alfred tells stories-good job Alfred. Doing what a parent would do.

Vale shares about herself and her family. Bruce tells her how he doesn’t have any family but Alfred. Vale says this house doesn’t seem him-and she’s right. He’s just too normal, not at all like those typical rich guys. And I love it.

So Jack survived his fall and went to the plastic surgeon. The nerves were messed up so the doctor did the best he could, but Jack isn’t happy with it.

Grissom is getting ready for bed when Jack walks in. He pretends he’s happy to see him, but Jack’s not buying it.

They start him off in the shadows so we don’t see what happened yet. But we know-it’s not going to be good!

Grissom reaches for his gun, but Jack has one on him already. He walks into the light and we see-The Joker. White face, green hair, and permanent grin. I think he looks as creepy as he always does.

Jack Nicholson is perfect. He always creeped me out when he looked his regular self and does it double as the joker.

Vale got drunk and stayed the night. She wakes up and sees Bruce doing upside down exercises? Sleeping like a bat? I’m not sure exactly what he was doing. She takes him to bed, but I personally think I would be weirded out by that.

Joker’s thrilled at the death of Grissom but mad that no one in the paper cares about him, even though he’s been the Joker for one night. But any-who, who cares about that logic, he wants fame, glory, and to enact his psychotic vengeance/reality/crime spree on Gotham.

The next morning Vale wakes up and invites Bruce out for lunch, but he’s too busy running “errands” We know what that means-Batman Business.

Meanwhile, Grissom’s gal gets home and finds Joker, fainting. Joker takes over the mafia. He covers his face with paint and tries to look normal-but still looks creepy. One guy challenges him, and Joker kills him, death by hand buzzer. Wow, love that he stays in theme.

Just noticed this boardroom has weird artwork. A lady naked but tied up, her nipples covered by the tie. Then it looks like a nude man’s chest on another wall. Weird art choices.

Weird

Oh Jack Nicholson is so creepy with that extra creepy laugh and creepiness on the side.

Knox is jealous that Vale was with Bruce, while she’s mad because she thinks Bruce just slept with her and then is going to ignore her. She finds nothing in the newspaper files as to who he is-weird as a gazillionaire there should be a gazillion clips- and then she decides to sneak over to his house and follow him.

He is walking down the street, bringing two roses outside an old hotel building. Aw. I know why he does it, but Vale is confused. Who is this guy? What is he doing? Why toss out expensive roses.

Meanwhile, the court trial of Grissom has stalled as no one can find him. Bruce goes to the courthouse when a guy announces he’ll be taking over his business. As he watches the exchange a mime shows up, then another one. Odd.  But are they just mimes?

Hmmm…

Never trust a mime. They are evil.

Then the Joker shows up and challenges the guy trying to take over Grissom’s business. He has a feather pen and uses it to stab and kill him He walks down the stairs in a top hat, spats, and shiny shoes. Man, I love that this joker has style. I like this better than today’s constant brooding , chaos, evil blah blah blah.

Blah, blah

I just love how he acts.

Meanwhile, Bruce spots Vale and storms off angry that she followed him.

The Joker’s angry that after his big show stopper number no one cares about him, they just care about the bat. I love it. I love him as the Joker. He is so evil and fun. They don’t make villains like that now. They are all so serious, brooding, and stiff.

OMG, Bruce has an amazing library! It’s going on my next library list!

Alfred tries to get Bruce to call Vale as she lifts his spirits, but Bruce is all business. He needs to take this joker down!

Vale calls Knox and gets him to check out the alley Bruce laid the roses on. She know it has to mean something but what?

Hmm…

Meanwhile, the Joker starts checking out the photos from the guy he had follow the reporters and falls for Vicki Vale. He wants her as his new gal.

Mh my goodness, I love his one liners.

Back at the Chemical factory, Joker starts working on his master evil plan.

We switch to the news, Action News, who bring up a story of models dying. They became allergic to something? But what? Three more mysterious deaths at a beauty parlor? Then the female news anchor starts going crazy laughing. She faints and is dead too.

Meanwhile, Joker cuts in to the broadcast. He reveals that he has poisoned all the makeup. and he doesn’t just reveal his plan on TV. He does his own infomercial.

THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He does an infomercial about his evil plan of poisoning makeup.

WOW!

Bruce looks into Jack Napier, the Joker. He has an interesting backstory, since 25 his rap sheet has started but he also has studied art, art history, and chemistry.

The next day we see the news anchors with no makeup. Its hilarious! They look tired and haggard a major difference from the day before.

The mayor still wants to celebrate the city’s bicentennial, even though there is a mad man and batman. Crazy mayor.

Ah, Bruce is wearing a cable knit sweater. I love men in sweaters.

So Vale goes to meet Bruce at the art museum, but it was actually a set up so the Joker could get to her. Bruce only found out when Vale called to let him know she would be running late.

She waits, and waits but no Bruce shows up. However, a package does saying urgent in child’s scrawl.

I know Jack probably wasn’t the best student but he really needs to work on an adult handwriting. It is a gas mask and she quickly puts it on as the museum is filled with noxious gas that knocks everyone out.

Joker shows up in a purple coat, purple chef hat, a posse, one dude with a boombox playing music as he robs the museum. I LOVE IT! This film. I can’t get over it!

This Joker is awesome and the kind of crazy, illogical, chaos that I love.

They don’t steal the art but destroy it.

He switches his dance music to “romance”. He looks at her portfolio and call it crap. Wow, you sure know how to romance a lady.

The only one he does like is of the dead body. He knows real art as he is:

“Joker: I am the world’s fully functional homicidal artist.”

Can you imagine if you had the Joker, Norman Bates as his mother, Jason, Michael Myers, and the other psychos all stuck together in a therapy group. Someone needs to make this into a film or short.

Joker’s former girlfriend comes wearing her mask, her face marred from the Joker as “a living piece of art”. Jack questions Vale about Batman.

I can’t get over his one liners!

“Vicki Vale: You’re crazy.

Joker: I thouht I was a pisces.”

He tries to get her to spill on batman and almost sprays acid on her face. Just when all hope seems lost, Batman comes crashing through and swings Vale to safety, crashing out the doors. SOO COOOL!

Wow!

OMG, that Batmobile! Sigh. SOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got to see it person at the Ca State fair once. It’s Amazing!

The Joker’s people drive a purple car with a green top. I just love how committed he is to his theme. I miss stuff like that in modern superhero films.

Vale and Batman ditch the car, shield coming up it as he can’t drive through the street. Vale tosses her shoes and they run for it.

Batman and Vale face an alley with no way out. He asks her how much she weighs, not cool batman.

Uh oh

He sends her up to safety and stays behind to fight the guys. They shoot him, and one guy says “Who’s this guy?” The one guy says to check his wallet. Like Batman is really going to by carrying a wallet or a credit card or something.

Flashes to Batman and Robin I know I made that joke on purpose.

Sorry!

Anyways, his body armor protects him and he take these goons out. AWESOME fight scene!!!!! Vale photographs the whole thing, although where was she carrying her camera. Her bag was tiny, but whatever.

Huh?

Batman calls his ride and Batman tells her she weighs more than 108 lbs, Haha. That makes me laugh.

They car picks them up and they drive out to the Nightmare Before Christmas wood Seriously with the Elfman soundtrack I expect to see the gate to Halloween land.

Batman drives off in silence, leaves flying as he races down the highway. SOO COOOOOL!!!!!!

I love how Vale is totally creeped out. Like adrenaline and fear kept her going, but now she’s like I don’t know this dude he could be taking me to his torture cave. She’s seriously freaked out.

Batman takes her to the batcave which is a dumb idea. You don’t take a reporter to your secret cave. In fact as a superhero you shouldn’t date a reporter! Especially one who is investigating both of you-superhero and secret identity. Batman’s Achilles heel.

Seriously dude!

He reveals what he knows as he wants her to print it. I love how he hides in the shadows. I love how Vicky is curious but uncertain.

The screen fades to black and bats and Vale wakes up passed out on her bed. Did he drug her?

Not cool bats.

She gives the newspaper what Batman gave her and its printed. Deodorants with baby powder, lipstick, and hairspray are all infected.

Joker is not so angry but hurt that Batman figured it out. I love it!

I love this movie. Sorry Christopher Nolan, Christian Bale, Ben Affleck, Zach Synder, and others. This movie is better than yours.

Sorry, not sorry!

Bruce goes to see Vale who gives him a cool reception. She was saved by Batman and you didn’t call after your night. She’s kinda over you.

This sucks for superheroes they are always competing with themselves for a girl.

Bruce tries to tell Vale about his “secret life” but it sounds like he is a creep or bipolar or has a weird love/torture room thing.

This scene is so funny. He is speaking gibberish and just sounds crazy . I love it. You know Vale is really nice, I would just been like you’re crazy get your butt outta here.

But before he can make any sense, someone rings the doorbell.

The Joker shows up and is angry that she has a “boyfriend”.

He tells Joker off and insulting him, egging him on, distracts him and pulls the fireplace poker out.

The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Bruce Wayne: What?

The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just… like the sound of it. [shoots him]

And the Joker shoots him. Bruce is dead!

Joker says goodbye and Vale cries, she dressed appropriately in black. How did she know a death would come?

But when she turns around Bruce is gone, her silver tray on the ground. He put it under his shirt and used it as armor.

SOOOO COOOL! And definitely a nod to the 39 Steps.

Vale opens the box and there is a Jack in the box hand with dead flowers. She goes to the newspaper office and Knox reveals Bruce’s sad backstory to Vale.

Meanwhile, Bruce is in he batcave. That saying that the Joker told him rally shook him up. He starts looking through the file on his parents. Hmm…how does this connect? (I know how I just like asking rhetorical questions)

Joker cuts into the broadcast again. “You guys have said some really mean things, some of which are true.” He has the best one liners.

Wow!

He announces that a midnight he will dump $20 million on the city. He announces this in PBS Masterpiece Theater style in a fancy old fashioned armchair and sweater vest. This guy. He calls out Batman to meet him and basically challenges him to a duel.

We then see a flashback of Bruce and his parents coming home from the theater.  Why they are walking and don’t have a car waiting when they are uber rich I don’t know. That makes the least bit of sense actually in all of this. Why walk down an alley. Why not have a car waiting?

How does this make any sense?!!

They get approached by a thug who steals his mother’s pearls and another who shoots them dead. The shooter asks Bruce:

“The Joker: You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

It was him, it was Jack. That guy looks just like that guy.

Vale storms to the batcave. How she figured it out when she is like the worst reporter, I don’t know. And like I said THIS IS WHY YOU DO’T DATE REPORTERS INVESTIGATING YOU OR BRING THEM TO YOUR SECRET HIDEOUT!!!

This was always my least favorite part. I love you stop doing this blah, blah. Vale you hardly know him.

He dresses in epic fashion. Gets going in his batmoblie, and speeds down to the warehouse, shoot the door down SOOOO COOOOOOOOL!!!!

Batmobile drops a bomb, and all are taken out at the factory. Batmobile continues down the fire and smoke. The factoy is destroyed, but the Joker is in a helocopter.

The Joker holds his own parade with ’80s music blasting. He dances on his float, OMG I love how the Joker has style. I love this movie.

Like seriously, he is Ferris Buellering it up, while his minions toss money int the street. But it isn’t real money, it is bills with his face on them. Which means, he must have some kind of evil plan, but what?

Joker says he giving money but where is Batman, and boom here he comes, flying overhead. Everyone puts masks on releasing noxious fumes from one of his balloons.

Vicky gets good pics While everyone is going crazy. Luckily Knox has a mask in his trunk and a baseball bat as he goes after the minions. He puts Vicky in the car, but that can’t really help her as air gets in the car. She should be going crazy too. It’s not like a car is air proof.

Weird

She  realizes this and drives off, hitting Knox and knocking him onto the hood, and into trash cans. Knox gets a cut on the side of his face. Ouch. Dang Vale.

Batman goes flying into the parade taking the balloons with him. Joker is seriously hurt that he stole his balloons. This cracks me up. I love this movie.

He so upset after Batman shoots his “number one guy” he needs a minute or two alone. OMG he cracks me up.

Batman goes flying down, missiles launched taking out the float. He launches it into Joker then misses because he has honor.

Joker pulls a gun out and shoots Batman from the sky with his giant gun.

His plan crashes and Vale goes charging after him. The plane is destroyed and Joker takes his giant shotgun, and Vale up into the church.

But Batman is alive, it takes more than bullets, crashed plane, fire, and a possible concussion to stop him (just kidding about concussion, he wears a helmet.)

Batman goes after them and knocks all the pews down in the church. Like this does nothing to help Vicky and to be honest it is kinda a jerky thing to do as the ushers are going to have to pick them all up next church service.

The joker forces Vicky up the staircase, like out of Vertigo, Batman follows, the police behind him.

Joker has her in the belltower, and shoots acid at the bell causing it to crash down and destroy the stairs. The police won’t save her, but Batman isn’t going to let a thing like no stairs stop him.

He’s Batman!

The police shine their searchlights at the top of the old church. Now it is time for the final showdown between Joker and Batman.

One minion really gets the punches in there and throws him over, but he’s batman, he uses his utility belt to get up and knock that guy over.

Joker continues dancing while batman stalks by. Vale spots him and distracts the Joker by kissing him.

You’re so powrful and purple, I  love purple. She ducks down and is she…? But Batman comes storming in.

Joker says you made me, but Batman counters with you made me.

WOW!

He pits glasses on and says you wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses. He manages to push both Vale and batman over the edge. They are hanging on the side of the building.

Is this he end?

Joker steps on the church’s old bricks trying to get it come crashing down on the two. His helicopter comes and it looks like it is the end.

Batman has one more thing, he shoots a batarang that gets the joker caught on a gargoyle. They can’t pull him up and  when they pull the gargoyle out, ouch as it is pulling down on is leg.

Joker can’t hold the weight, slips, and goes crashing down. So does the church roof, but Batman and Vale are saved.

The police gather around Joker’s body and  that’s his end of the reign of terror.

At the next press conference, thy reveal Batman gave them the bat signal to call him if they were ever in need. Vale walks off and looks up to the sky, then sees her man’s butler in his fancy car. And that is the amazing Batman (1989)

And just cause:

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more Batman, go to Man-Bat: On Leather Wings, Batman the Animated Series (1992)

For more Tim Burton films, go to Once, There Was Even a Man Who Had Scissors for Hands: Edward Scissorhands (1990)

For more film-noir, go to This Is Fate We’re Talking About, and If Fate Works At All, It Works Because People Think That THIS TIME, It Isn’t Going to Happen!: Dead Again (1991)

For more Nostalgia Critic, go to Ever Heard of the Tommyknockers?: The Tommyknockers (1993)

Lifetime Didn’t Go Psycho Enough: Psycho Mother-in-Law (2019)

So I was just in a Lifetime-movie marathon mood (say that five times fast) and seeing what films I can get to watch free on Youtube. This popped up and I began watching.

But I was actually very disappointed in it, as I am with all these newer films. The ’80s and ’90s film were much better in story lines.

This had the potential to be better, but didn’t go as far as it could have.

Disappointed!

Sharon Vickers (Romy Rosemont) is a single mom who is all about her daughter, Amber (Victoria Diamond). But lately Amber has no time for her mother. She calls but only gets answering machines and hardly ever gets to speak to her. Amber just has no time for her mom anymore.

I’m not happy

This makes her sad, and angry. She is a hospice nurse, but you don’t want her as she kills her patients. Eeek!

But this day is different. Sharon goes home to find a message that her daughter is engaged to her boyfriend Luke (Matthew Raudsepp) and they are staying with Luke’s mother, Jill Jones (Kari Matchett). They invite Sharon to come and celebrate the engagement party and she goes.

The Bat

But all is not well with Sharon. She is pleased about Tom, but she does not like Jill. Jill is blond and perfect and trying to replace Sharon in Amber’s life.

No joke, I started thinking that Jill was the psycho-in-law, even though we had for real watched Sharon murder someone already.

Pamela Voorhees: [high voice] Kill her, Mommy! Kill her! Don’t let her get away, Mommy! Don’t let her live!
[normal voice]
Pamela Voorhees: I won’t, Jason. I won’t!

I mean Jill was so “kind” but was clearly trying to take over. She talks down to the mom and makes fun of her to everyone.

She has taken Amber dress shopping, caterer testing, and already has firmed down several wedding plans and they just got engaged like a day or two ago.

She manipulates Sharon out of everything-the wedding, Sharon’s wedding dress, any tradition at all-and takes all of Amber’s time with “work”.

Jill runs a powerful gallery and Amber is an artist, so Amber will do all she can to keep the contacts Jill promises and of course she wants her mother-in-law to like her. When Luke makes a joke about spending their first Christmas with Sharon after tasting her cooking, Jill goes full on angry and moves the conversation back in her court.

Amber decides to wear her mom’s dress, but Jill manipulates her into thinking it is ugly and will be ugly on her.

In fact, Amber makes a date to go with her mom wedding dress shopping, just to look and Jill crashes the party, offers to pay for a super expensive dress, and wipes the mom out of the picture completely.

The vacation ends and Sharon goes to leave, but returns to tear up the house. Unfortunately, Jill comes, and Sharon knocks her off the second floor.

Ouch

Here is where the film dies for me. Sharon takes Jill home to “nurse” her back to health as she has a broken leg, more a Misery nursing than anything else, and eventually plans to murder Jill in order to have Amber back. This just felt so overdone and out of line as what is her endgame? There is no coming back from torturing your soon to be in-law.

Or plot!

Now, I think Jill was also pretty psycho in her manipulation and cutting Sharon out of the picture. I mean Amber calls Jill more than her own mother!

How much more awesome that instead of Sharon being the psycho mother-in-law they both were psychos. What if instead of having a broken leg, Jill pretended and the two play against each other for their kids’ love and attention?

Hmmm?

I think that would be much better than a Misery reboot. What do you think?

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more deadly engagements, go to He’s Married to a Corpse. He Has A Corpse Bride!: Corpse Bride (2005)

For more Lifetime Movies, go to Who Did I Marry?: The Stranger Beside Me (1995)

 

Horrorfest VIII: Strange Tales of Terror

It’s that time of the year again!

It is time for Horrorfest VIII!

HORRORFEST!!!!!!

31 Days of horror, suspense, mystery, gothic tales, Alfred Hitchcock, psycho killers, ghosts, murder, dystopian futures, monsters, and more!

I love film and here’s my chance to share it with you all.

A couple years ago I put Jane Austen in a costume and added it to my Horrorfest traditions. This year I choose to dress her up in a skull mask for Halloween and Dia de Los Muertos. As you know I’m Latino and that is a part of the way people celebrate those who have passed on. This year both my grandmother died in the beginning of the year, while one of my best friends died last month. While I can’t paint my face, my skin allergies, I can honor them in this way. Along with Jane!

Well, I hope you enjoy this year’s picks!

To start Horrorfest from the beginning, go to I Don’t Belong in the World: Carnival of Souls (1962)

To start Horrorfest II from the beginning, go to There Are Many Strange Legends in the Amazon: The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

To start Horrorfest III from the beginning, go to Even a Man Pure of Heart: The Wolf Man (1941)

To start Horrorfest IV from the beginning, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

To start Horrorfest VI from the beginning, go to One of Our Guests is a Werewolf, I Know It.: The Beast Must Die (1974)

To start Horrorfest VII from the beginning, go to It’s the End of the World: The Birds (1963)

Something’s Scratching at the Window

The other day I woke up at four in the morning, having fallen asleep while watching TV, with an upset stomach. It turned out to be pre-period cramps.

 

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

As I knew it was going to be impossible to go back to sleep right away, I decided to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, wash my face, maybe do a mask or scrub, etc.-until the pain passed. While I was in the bathroom I heard a noise that went like this:

Scritch, scritch, scritch, scrith…

It sounded as if something was clawing under the window.

So the window in the bathroom is really old. It is a slat window that has to be opened with a lever, and because of its age it never shuts completely. And the acoustics are really good there as people who are across the yard sound as if they are right next to you.

Ugh.

So at first I wasn’t freaked out. I figured it must be a raccoon or possum or something just digging around in the yard or on a trash can.

Meh.

But then I heard it again and it was louder…and it wouldn’t stop…and it sounded like it was right next to me.

Ahhh!

For a split second my mind went to there is a monster out there:

In fact it made me think of that old “scary” story that everyone told at slumber parties; where the two people are stranded in a car and the boyfriend leaves to go for help. While he is gone the girlfriend continuously hears a scratch, scratch, scratch (or tap, tap, tap) while the boyfriend is gone. In the end, a psycho has been scratching at her car or the boyfriend has been killed and his body is hanging overhead.

I’m sure you’ve heard one of the versions of it.

So yes, I went there but then I bounced back. I was certain it was no big deal and going to scare off whatever animal was making that noise.

The gun is a metaphor. I wasn’t going to shoot any animals.

I was just about to walk out of the bathroom and go check outside when something jumped into the window!!!!!!!!!!

And then I saw clawed fingers poking into the cracks of the window!!!!!!!

And I have to admit:

But then this thing started to meow angrily.

And my brain realized that the clawed fingers were just the clawed paws of my cat. Lack of sleep, cramps, it being early morning, whatever-had made me not realize that the hands I saw were tiny cat paws not monster hands.

Yes, since I had fallen asleep watching TV, I didn’t bring my cat in and I guess she heard me in the bathroom, or saw the light-but somehow figured out I was in there and was trying to get my attention to let her in.

But hey, I will take being trolled by my cat over a real psychopath (or rodent) scratching under my window any day.

For more of my scary adventures, go to A Bump in the Night

For more on cats, go to Cat Lovers All Know This

For more stories from my everyday life, go to Road Rage

If this stokes your appetite for horror, check out Horrorfest, Horrorfest II, Horrorfest  III, Horrorfest IV, & Horrorfest V

Road Rage

So we all have things that bother us when we are driving. I hate when people don’t respect those who are walking or biking.

When people don’t stop at stop signs,

I mean come on, its there for a reason. Or when you are going the speed limit and this person speeding keeps trying to pass you because they think you are “too slow”.

Yes, that’s just a few. But one thing of the BIGGEST THINGS I can’t stand is when you have someone make a right turn on red and cut in front of you when you have the green light.

You are ONLY supposed to go when it is CLEAR! Not because you want to go.  WAIT YOUR TURN!!!!

So the other day I was driving to visit my friend, and someone pulled this on my. I had the green light and was driving across, when they pull fast and cut in front of me, making me hit the brake.

Like I totally wanted to annihilate them.

But I just had to calm down and let it go.

Although I did honk my displeasure.

Ugh.

 And continued on my way.

But…it turns out we were going the same way as we continued straight across the freeway.

Hmm…

And then taking the same turn.

Now I was just going to my friend’s house for lunch, and I had no clue where the other driver was going; but we continued with me following them.

Hmm…

In fact our ways were in such a resemblance that I freaked the driver out and they pulled over to let me pass. I guess they thought I was a real psycho and was going to try and attack them.

I found the whole thing to be hilarious.

So even though I did not get exact revenge, I still got some payback.

For more stories of my everyday life, go to An Explosive Trip

For more Mandy Hale quotes, go to Let It Go

The Butcher of Burtonsville High: The Death of the Queen Bee, Bones (2010)

bones

“They say a spirit [the Butcher of Burtonsville High] lives in these woods…He takes over a person and makes him kill.”

This episode is from the fifth season. Booth as recovered from his brain surgery and has feelings for Dr. Brennan He’s not sure if they are real, or because of the story Bones wrote and was reading to him while he was in a coma.

Booth admitted his feelings for Dr. Brennan after they recounted the story of when they first met. But Dr. Brennan didn’t reciprocate.

IDon'tevenknowhowtorespondGilmoreGirls

Angela has thrown off her vows of celibacy, dating Wendall (making Dr. Jack Hodgins jealous) and having a pregnancy scare.

Emmafakesmile

So let’s move on to the review!

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The episode starts out with two girls going to the make out spot. They like the Katy Perry song I Kissed a Girl and decide to see if it is accurate. As they reach in for the smooch, a raccoon with a skull stmes running towards sending the skull right at them.

The-Screaming-Skull-1958

Leaving maggots all over her face!

Ew Yuck Gross

Dr. Brennan and Booth get called in to check out the body.

bones-season-5-episode-17-2-1809

Deputy Conway is in shock when she sees Booth. (I’m pretty sure I’d be the same way if I met David Boreanaz.

BonesBoothHotNiceBod

 It turns out that Dr. Brennan actually grew up in the area and went to the local high school. She recognizes Officer Conway right away.

Officer Becky Conway: Have I arrested you before, hon?

Dr. Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan: No. You were my lab partner in Chemistry at Burtonsville High.

Officer Becky Conway: Are you absolutely sure? I have an excellent memory.

Dr. Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan: Positive. Though you are thinner now, which is better for you cardiovascular system. In High School, you were quite overweight, hence the derision from the other students.

Officer Becky Conway: Yeah. I remember you now. The creepy girl.

When they find the rest of the body it brings to mind the town’s urban legend about “the Butcher.”

Officer Becky Conway: “They say a spirit lives in these woods…He takes over a person and makes him kill.”

The legend states that the butcher murders his victims and then barbecues and eats their ribs.

Ew!

Ew!

It was just a story until a girl in their grade was murdered the same way, and found missing ribs.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Now this first victim Sarah Tidwyler was a member of the class of 94?

Special Agent Seeley Booth: And the second victim was killed just before the reunion of the same class that doesn’t sound like a coincidence to me. Cops here agreed to keep everything quiet until we ID the victim and catalog the evidence.

So that’s it, Dr. Brennan and Booth are going undercover. Booth will be Dr. Brennan ‘s husband.

Alright!

Alright, undercover!

Meanwhile, back at the lab Hodgins lets slip to Wendell that Angela thought she was pregnant. It turned out that Angela never told Wendell anything.

clueless mybad oops

Back in Burtonsville, Dr. Brennan can’t wait to introduce Booth to her only friend in high school, the janitor Ray Buxley. He used to find her creatures for her to dissect, talk to her about death, etc. essentially be creepy.

He's creepin' in your windows. He's starin' at your people.

He’s creepin’ in your windows. He’s starin’ at your people.

Booth meets Julie, super popular back in the day, the organizer of the whole reunion; along with Brad, the once golden boy prom king of Burtonsville and married to the former head cheerleader, Evelyn Simms.

They then go see the janitor in his creepy basement/closet

Never a good sign.

Never a good sign.

and he is played by Robert England.

Who?

Who?

Come on, you know. This Robert England:

Freddy Kruger

And just as creepy as him:

knifecutbonescreepyjanitor

Buxley was suspected in the earlier murder, and Booth seems him still as the number one suspect, even though Dr. Brennan doesn’t think there is anything strange about him.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Back at the lab Angela and Wendall meet up to talk about everything and break up like we all know they would. Come on, Angela and Hodgins are MEANT to be.

Twocharacterstogettogether

But enough of that, it is time to get down to forensic business. They are going to try and work on the face when Angela mentions in a video chat with Dr. Brennan that the victim once had a broken jaw. That creates a lightbulb moment for Dr. Brennan and she knows who the victim is.

Dr. Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan: 33. She was 33.

Angela Montenegro: Well, how do you know that?

Dr. Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan: Because I’m the one who broke her jaw… with a tennis racket. This is one of my classmates… Evelyn Simms.

WOW

WOW

Dr. Lance “Sweets” Sweets believes it to be someone at the reunion, after all emotions and resentments can run high at those. They try looking to see if there is anything else and discover that Brad was dating Sarah at the time she was murdered, and married to the recent victim. Very interesting…

suspicious Hmm

The lab has discovered that the weapon was a metal blade, but what is interesting was how uniform the cuts were and the pattern, not to mention the distinct size and angle of the blade. The two have their work cut out for them as it appears the reunion is just hopping with all types of weapons in every blade size.

WOW

WOW

They send pics of everything, and the only thing that comes close would be an ice pick. They ask about Carrie, but Officer Conway is sure that the two were fine. After all, Evelyn gave her the city council contract for her catering business. But then Julie interrupts and reveals that Evelyn and Carrie the caterer were arguing and Evelyn took everything away. Carrie lost her whole business and was ANGRY.

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

That’s a pretty powerful motive, wouldn’t you say?

They question her but it turns out to be nothing. She was in Florida with her parents, the people she is living with as she lost everything.

Not the right one.

Not the right one.

They get a call from Hodgins and al the material found on the body go with stuff you would find in shop class. There they discover Andy making a name plate out of wood for Dr. Brennan, and he also has one there for Evelyn.

Gilmore girls creep

He also was interested in Sarah and believes that all women are interested in him. I know its not him; he’s just obsessive and insane.

completelydelusional

They check around the room and discover bone dust. Evelyn was definitely dismembered in that room.

Gross

Gross

Everything seems to be pointing to Brad; mechanic who knows his way around tools, has a big insurance policy on her, and was with both victims.

I-got-this-reaction-gif

That night they are dancing away at the reunion while waiting for some confirmation on information from the lab. Dr. Brennan is excited beyond words:

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Bones, you’re tearing up.

Dr. Temperance ‘Bones’ Brennan: This is the prom I never got to go to.

aw cry

Instead of balloons, stars are released from the ceiling. Everything is beautiful and magical…but then Dr. Brennan notices something…those stars are a perfect match for the angle of the murder weapon.

paris-whenitsizzlesaudreyhmmHepburn

They snap a pic and send it back to the lab. It is a perfect match! They have found the murder weapon, now all is left is to catch the murderer.

Hmm...

Hmm…

Is it Mr. Buxley?

knifecutbonescreepyjanitor

Dr. Brennan goes over to question Buxley about who made the stars. He has figured out that Dr. Brennan isn’t there for the reunion, but is investigating. He tells her that Julie was the one who did it, after all she made every decoration in there.

Ray Buxley: Don’t surprise me, though. One look at her and you can tell she’s off. Them smiley ones, they always give me the willies.

They arrest her and it turns out she is a regular psycho. She and Evelyn made a pact in high school to kill Sarah and share Brad. When Evelyn wouldn’t give him up, she killed her.

Pamela Voorhees: [high voice] Kill her, Mommy! Kill her! Don't let her get away, Mommy! Don't let her live! [normal voice] Pamela Voorhees: I won't, Jason. I won't!

A great thriller episode with some fun parodies. You should definitely check it out.

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to Those Aren’t Men They Are the Living Dead: White Zombie (1932)

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For more on Bones, go to You’re Sad So I’m Making This Day Extra Special: The Bikini in the Soup, Bones (2011)

For more creepy janitors, go to Tuesday the 17th: Psych (2009)

For more female serial killers, go to A Matter of Loaf and Death: Wallace and Gromit (2008)

For more David Boreanaz, go to She’s Been Totally Different…Like Stepford: Ted, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

For more Robert England, go to Whatever You Do Don’t Fall Asleep: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The Mad Killer: Dial 1119 (1950)

dial-1119-images-a0dc2948-bff4-4196-83e1-191b9e26fe3

Recently escaped from the hospital for the criminally insane…the Mad Killer, Gunther Wyckoff

So one of the librarians was processing a group of donated DVDs, and I just happened to spot Film Noir Classic Collection, Volume 5. It had eight films on it: Cornered (1945), Deadline at Dawn (1946), Desperate (1947), Armored Car Robbery (1950), Backfire (1950), Dial 1119 (1950), The Phenix City Story (1955), and Crime in the Streets (1956). 

After I mentioned it would be a good film to watch, they let me be the first one to check it out. Some of the films were good and some were okay. That happens in a collection.

Oh well

Oh well

I thought this movie was really exceptional and all because of Marshall Thompson, who plays Gunther Wyckoff. He was phenomenal in playing his part. He was able to be cold, calculating, creepy; but then have moments of appearing almost innocent and a troubled boy. Not as good as Anthony Perkins in Psycho, but close.

keanu Whoa

I haven’t found a lot of pictures so this will mostly contain ones from other films and reviews. But I don’t let that stop me, let’s begin our review.

DeanSupernaturalLetsGetStarted

The film starts off with gruntled newspaperman, Harrison “Harry” D. Barnes. Harry is tired of being paid so little and working his whole life to only be in the exact same place as he started. He tells his pal that he is quitting and heads off to the Oasis bar to drink up his troubles. Because of his early departure, he misses an important announcement that Gunther Wyckoff has escaped from his institution.

OMG gasp

Elsewhere in Terminal City, Helen is leaving to go on vacation with a friend of hers. She lives with her mother, taking care of her as she has a weak heart, but is sorely in need of a break. She heads out but instead of meeting up with a her girl friend, she instead is meeting Earl at the Oasis Bar. Earl is a married salesman and the two are planning to go away for the weekend.

Mmhm great gatsby

Meanwhile, Gunther Wyckoff is headed to Terminal City. Three years ago he murdered a woman, was found to be insane, and instead of being executed, resided in the institution. But now he is out.

OhNOthisisgonnabebad

Next to him is a women traveling as well to Terminal City ands she notices that something is off about Wyckoff. Like most psychopaths he has no “normal” ways of interacting with other people.

Something about you just doesn't seem right.

Something about you just doesn’t seem right.

At the front of the bus, the driver has a gun for protection. They all take a five minute break to stretch and use the bathroom, and when they return to their traveling, the woman notices the gun is missing; and that the man next to her was the only one to remain on the bus during the break.

This is bad

This is bad

They reach Terminal City, the woman stays as long as she can and warns the driver in their native tongue about what has happened. After she leaves the driver approaches Wyckoff, and tells him to return the gun and clip. Wyckoff shoots him.

0dial_1119cshootgun

Wyckoff is extremely creepy and scary as he is so emotionless, cold, and calculated. He doesn’t freak out, break a sweat, or worry; just demolishes what is in his way.

Gilmore girls creep

Wyckoff heads out to Dr. John E. Faron, police psychologist. When no one answers his knock, he decides to go to the nearby bar to wait. The Oasis Bar.

dun-dun-duuuun

In the bar we have Harry, Helen, and Earl; as mentioned before. Also there is Chuckles the extremely pessimistic, sarcastic, and grumpy bartender/owner. His assistant/waiter Skip is the exact opposite, pleasant, kind, and optimistic. Today he is extremely worried and frantic as his wife is about to have a baby and he doesn’t want to miss a thing. In fact he didn’t even want to come to work, but his wife made him go as the baby won’t be coming for a while. She’s going to regret that decision.

ouch Hermione

There is also Freddy, a bar floozy who is drunk all day and night on anything she can get and hits on any young guy that moves.

Laura what I want No good

All are talking while Wyckoff waits. Freddy tries to hit on a big, strong, young man; but when he leaves She turns toward Skip. Skip keeps calling to see if the baby has come yet, but no luck. Helen is trying to justify what she is doing as she is lonely and unsure about if she really wants to go away with a married man. Earl is trying to get Helen drunk so she can “relax” and “settle down.” Harry gets the call about the dead bus driver, but as he has “quit” his job, he decides not to go. Too bad.

This is bad

This is bad

Meanwhile as the newsmen and police are going crazy as they are worried about Wyckoff killing again and searching for him. They locate the woman who was sitting next to him to get confirmation, and when they do flash his picture on TV.

Ringu Watch TV

Chuckles is the only one who notices the TV news flash, and knows it is Wyckoff in his bar. He looks at his gun under the bar and heads down “cleaning” to grab it. But at the last minute he changes his mind and tells Skip to take over, while he “heads in the back to get Vermouth”. Big Mistake.

gameofthronesterriblemistakerob

He goes to the phone, but doesn’t count on Wyckoff being paranoid and very suspicious. He follows Chuckles and shoots him.

0dial_1119cshootgun

Body count is at two already.

#2

#2

Afterwards, he shuts down the bar and gets the rest of the people together, they are now his hostages.

This is bad

This is bad

A couple of people walking by hear a scream from Helen, and tell the police. When an officer goes to investigate, Wyckoff shoots him in the leg.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lieutenant “Whitey” Tallman heads out to handle the situation. They set up barriers on the street and try to figure a way in.

suspicious Hmm

Wyckoff calls the police and tells them he wants Dr. Faron in 25 minuetes or he will kill everyone in the bar.

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Lt. Whitey is very upset over all this. He was the arresting officer, he worked hard to get Wyckoff convicted for his crimes; and to have him sent to a hospital instead and be out in three years is extremely upsetting. He is furious with Dr. Faron who was the one who provided the evidence and testimony that sent him free to the hospital rather than prison and the death penalty. He has no intention in trying to get Dr. Faron involved, but in finding another way to free the hostages.

I-got-this-reaction-gif

Dr. Faron is out walking when he comes upon the huge crowd of police, newspapermen, and bystanders. He finds out that he is needed ad goes to Lt. Whitey, but Whitey doesn’t want him involved at all.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Meanwhile the group inside is trying to figure out what to do. They recognize that the gun he has holds eight rounds, two of which have been used on killing Chuckles and shooting the policeman (the earlier third one hit the bus driver but they don’t know about it). They believe him to have six (really five) left; but then he pulls out another clip and puts it in. They discuss charging at him, but think that it is not a good idea and will get them all killed.

I don't know what to do

Outside the police have come up with an idea to sneak a smaller policeman into the air conditioning to shoot at Wyckoff. Which is a bit strange to go about it.

meettheRobinsonsPlannotthoughtthrough

Dr. Faron wants to go in and speak to Wyckoff, as he believes that he won’t harm him ad that he will be able to shock him out of his delusions ad bring him into reality. The Lt. says no.

You-serious?-Not-happening-babe!

Inside the bar Harry tries to get Wyckoff to let him go, as this is the story of the year; just like his previous exploits were. Wyckoff says no and starts going on about how the government is to blame for making him this way. They gave him a gun and uniform, trained him to kill,and expected him to come back into society. He is a killing machine because of them.

While that is going on, the police work hard to get through the air conditioning. But unbeknownst to them, Wyckoff has been looking at it all night, and when it turns off suddenly he notices, and shoots at it;

0dial_1119cshootgun

killing the policeman.

#3

#3

Freddy tries to seduce him, but no dice. Wyckoff sees right through her.

do-you-think-im-stupid-do-you-not-see-the-glasses

Wyckoff has them turn on the TV so that they can see what is happening outside. They see that the Dr is there but that the Lt. won’t let him in. Harry convinces him to let him call the newspaper, and that they will get the public going and force the police to let the doctor  in. Wyckoff lets him, but the newspaper ignores him, because of his earlier conversation, they think he is just drunk and going to mouth off.

really?

really?

Wyckoff s extremely angry and trying to determine what to do next. Outside the Lt. has decided to blow open the bar and cut the lights. While they are planning, Dr. Fanroe goes in to speak with Wyckodff.

I-got-this-reaction-gif

Dr. Fanroe tries to get Wyckoff to put down the gun down but he won’t listen. You see the only reason Wyckoff came to Terminal City was because he wants to kill Dr. Fanroe.

This is bad

This is bad

Wyckoff makes everyone sit at the bar while he deals with Dr. Fanroe. Freddy notices Chuckles’ gun under the counter.

Hmm...

Hmm…

Dr. Fanrie tries to bring Wyckoff back to reality, and here Thompson shines in his acting. We discover that Wyckoff was not a soldier. He always dreamed of being one and wanted to, but they wouldn’t let him as he didn’t pass the psych evaluation. He went crazy upset and killed.

0dial_1119cshootgunkiller

Wyckoff argues with Fanroe and kills him.

#4

#4

Afterwards he looks at his hostages trying to determine who is next. While doing so the phone rings. Skip afraid that it might be his wife, rushes at Wyckoff to knock him off balance. Meanwhile the cops have set the charge blown up the door and cut the lights. Wyvkoff picks up his gun and intends to shoot them all when before he can, Freddy shoots him.

Whattheheck

 

I have to admit I never saw that one coming. The drunk saving them all? Pretty cool ending as I never would have guessed that.

Oh geez

Oh geez

Afterwards the cops come in and the people all go their separate ways. Skip to the hospital to see his newly arrived eight pound baby. Helen goes home as she believes the whole thing was an intervention from God to keep her from sinning. Earl tries to pick up Freddy and she tuns him down flat, heading to a different bar. Harry calls the desk and starts to relate the story of all that occurred. The mad killer is dead.

TheEnd_Title_2

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to How To Survive A Horror Film

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For more film-noir, go to I Do Think You Are Confused Mrs. Bowman: Dangerous Crossing (1953)

For more “mad killers”, go to We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes: Psycho (1960)