Rational Creatures: Emma Woodhouse, Miss Bates, & Harriet Smith

Rational Creatures edited by Christina Boyd

For those of you who might have missed the last post, Rational Creatures is an anthology of short stories on the different women of Jane Austen:

But just not the main heroines-there are a few other side characters like Miss Bates-and of course a couple of bad girls like Mary Crawford and Mrs. Clay. Each story gives us a look at these rational creatures.

So far we have reviewed Elinor and Marianne Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility with Self-Composed by Christina Morland and Every Past Affliction by Nicole Clarkston & Elizabeth Bennet and Charlotte Lucas from Pride and Prejudice in Happiness in Marriage by Amy D’Orazio and Charlotte’s Comfort by Joana Starnes. And I loved them!!!!

This one is on Emma

Emma is the story of a girl who has been mistress of her house and doted on by her father. After her governess marries (a match she believes she put together) she becomes bored and intends on trying her hand at matchmaking. She pygmalions Harriet Smith as she plans to set her up with the new minister. Things do not go according to plan as her matches do not take hold and her “creation” takes a life of her own.

Oh Emma, some people hate her-others love her. With adaptaions, it has been a toss up for me. Half of them I have enjoyed, while the other half I haven’t liked how they portrayed Emma or Mr. Knightley. Emma is an interesting character and it can be hard really difficult to grasp who she is at the heart.

Then I saw that we had a Miss Bates storyline. That deeply interested me as I haven’t read anything from her point of view-and I was interested in how her constant chatter was going to be interpreted.

And then we have Harriet Smith. Were they going to make her silly, lonely, desperate, hopeful, or naive?

Well, I can’t wait!

Knightley Discourses by Anngela Schroeder

So all the other stories thus far in the anthology have all started at some point in Jane Austen’s tale and then taken the author’s own flavor, twists, and turns. This is the first that takes the story in a completely new direction, years after the original Emma story ended.

So the book starts off similar to Emma‘s beginning, except we have an Emma Knightley who is now 36 years old. She has been mistress of Donwell Abbey and Hartfield, until her father passed away a year ago, in which her sister Isabella and brother-in-law John took over the estate.

She has been so busy managing the estates, her father, marriage, children, etc. But now she is in a state of restlessness. One estate managed by her sister and brother-in-law, opens a lot of extra time. The children are managed by a nanny, her husband spending more time with his brother-in-law who has moved back.

She is feeling a little lost when she spots something that makes her remember the picnic on Box Hill all those years ago, and decides to go to visit Miss Bates. While she is visiting, she hears news from Jane (Fairfax) Churchill, all news that Jane already wrote her and read-until Miss Bates gets in a flurry over Jane’s acquaintance with the Winthrops.

Emma has locked on to this and after bugginginterrogating…asking others, she discovers that there was the possibility of something between a Mr. Winthrop and Miss Bates. With the Winthrops planning on visiting, Emma starts thinking…

Mr. Knightley tries to get Emma to promise to leave the two alone and she doesn’t plan to, but also doesn’t promise she won’t.

Emma and Knightley also have a cute scene when they talk about their marriage and about poor Jane Churchill who’s marriage is not happy at all-what with Frank Churchill doing his own thing, being away, and caring only about himself.

Slight pause on the story…I think it is AMAZING how the stories are written by two different authors, but the Frank Churchill storyline in Dangerous to Know, goes perfect with this one. Where that story ends is right where we pick up on Jane and Frank’s marriage.

Emma visits Mrs. Weston who drops a bomb on her. Mrs. Weston met Miss Winthrop, Mr. Winthrop’s brother, and she should be what Emma focuses her attention on-not matchmaking. Miss Winthrop is after Mr. Knightley.

Say what!

Yes, she was carrying on about how she and Mr. Knightley were engaged at one time and that if she hadn’t had to leave they’d have kids and ever grandchildren by now.

Forget you!

Emma feels okay and secure in her marriage, plus she’s much younger but then she meets Miss Winthrop, Miss Winthrop-always-gets-her-man-Sanchez. She’s a hunter and she’s after Mr. Knightley.

OMG! When I reached this part I was locked into this story. I had other things to do, but they were no longer important as I had to find out what happened next!

Argh, Miss Winthrop! She’s a maneater, we all know the type and an excellent villain. The perfect foil for Emma.

I loved this story. So far it has been my favorite as it captured the essence of Emma, presented the loved characters in a new, interesting, and adorable way (married Emma and Knightley are so cute). Plus women like Miss Withrop, they always get me going.

And I adored the friendship between Jane and Emma.

I HIGHLY recommend it, as I LOVED it!!!

I’d start early as you won’t want to stop.

You’ll notice that this is the one story I didn’t do a quote from, and that’s because I was reading so fast to finish it and find out what happened, I forgot to highlight.

For more on Emma Woodhouse, go to Call Me, Maybe: Austentatious (2015)

The Simple Things by J. Marie Croft

So first of all, reading Miss Bates in Jane Austen’s Emma always gave me a major headache. I loved her, felt for her, but the endless chatter made my brain hurt.

J. Marie Croft did a perfect, perfect, representation of her. You can tell she really studied Austen and the character and put her all into it.

But, while the character in Emma was annoying-Croft did an excellent job not making her chatter unbearable. She would go on when speaking to people, but didn’t continue this within her mind, or with her close friends.

Good job, this was not an easy feat.

We start the book off with Miss Bates turning down a Mr. Franklin as she doesn’t love him. Even though he could answer all their family money woes. She knows Mr. Franklin doesn’t want a wife, but a nanny/nursemaid/cook/cleaning woman/housekeeper/etc and is not interested in becoming a free servant.

“The sacred institution of matrimony is too often perverted, Patty. Perverted by men and women shackling themselves to a mate for whom they feel no special regard. No attachment. No affection. No ardent admiration. No that is not the life for me. I will not doom myself to a marriage of apathy, misery, or fear. I would rather live independently, if poor.”

As Mr. Franklin was the landlord, they have lost their home and will have to find another cottage. But Miss Bates refuses to be shackled to a man she does not love. This makes her think back to her first love.

Hmm…

This story was so cute and amazing in how it portrayed Miss Bates. We were able to see a new side of her-her touched by love, the care she had for her sister and best friend, her devotion as an aunt, I loved it. And how even through the suffering and the trials she goes through, she still remains an amazingly cheerful person.

“And yet she was a happy woman, and a woman whom no one named without good-will[sic].” –Emma, Jane Austen

Croft did an amazingly good job. An excellent read!

For more by J. Marie Croft, go to “The Art of Sinking” from Dangerous to Know: Jane Austen’s Rakes & Gentlemen Rogues

For more on Miss Bates, go to Should We Pity Miss Bates or Strive to Be Her?

In Good Hands by Caitlin Williams

This story picks up after Emma tried to match Harriet up with Mr. Elton, and failed.

Then Emma thought Harriet was into Frank Churchill and tried pushing them together-but that failed.

Harriet tried to get with Mr. Knightley and that failed.

Harriet and Emma’s friendship broke up. And Mr. Knightley and Emma got engaged.

Poor Harriet Smith and to top it off-she has a horrible toothache. Emma arranges for her to go to London, and stay with the Knightleys, while she sees the dentist. Harriet is exuberant as she wants to get away from it all and her embarrassment over what has happened.

So embarressed

Harriet tells Isabella what happened-all of it from Mr. Martin to Mr. Elton to Mr. Knightley. Isabella feels for her and has her stay longer, as Harriet is a great help with the children. Harriet is trying to figure our what to do next (and how to keep from returning to her embarrassment) when Robert Martin comes walking in.

Harriet is embarrassed, tongue-tied, and a little scared at what to do or say.

“Now the pretty decorated timepiece felt like an enemy, a thief robbing her of the opportunity to say something meaningful to Robert Martin before he went.”

Will this be just more embarrassment to pile on, or a second chance?

You know I really like this choice. I like the view into Harriet, her resolution to improve herself, and that we get to see how the two get together. Plus Mr. Knightley sent him, Mr. Knightley is matchmaking. So adorable!

I loved how Harriet was written as well. She wasn’t desperate or dumb, but she was a pleasant, sweet girl, a pinch lonely and unexperienced.

For more by Caitlin Williams, go to “Death of a Bachelor” from The Darcy Monologues: Part I, The Regency

For more on Harriet Smith, go to Emma (1996) AKA the Kate Beckinsale Version

These stories were just as great at the others, especially the Emma one.

 So we have had seven stupendous and striking stories. Will the rest be just as good? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see! 🙂

For more reviews of Rational Creatures, go to Rational Creatures: Elizabeth & Charlotte

For more by Christina Boyd, go to Rational Creatures: Elinor & Marianne

For more Emma, go to Austen Avengers Assemble!

For more Austen book reviews, go to Little Literary Classics Mansfield Park Cloth Book

Le Fantôme de l’Opéra

Day 20) T is for Translated: Choose a book that was Translated from one language to English

PhantomoftheOpera

The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux

Yes, I know I said I wouldn’t talk about this book. However, as I was trying to think of books I like that were originally in another language, I couldn’t think of anything but this book and Jules Verne’s novels.

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I already reviewed two Verne books, so with nothing else coming to mind, I decided to review The Phantom of the Opera.

phantom of the opera underground lair water boat

Gaston Leroux studied to be a lawyer, but when his father died, he found himself a millionaire. He immediately quit school and went on a big spending/gambling spree losing everything.

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Afterwards, he began to work for a newspaper, doubling as a court reporter and a drama critic. As he toured the opera, ballets, plays, etc.; and heard different stories about what went on in the theaters, it gave him an idea.

ooh!

With that he published The Phantom of the Opera as a serial from 1909-1910, being translated and published in English in 1911. The story is told from the viewpoint of an interviewer as he researches his subject and tries to tell the history of this Phantom.

Phantom of the Opera

Growing up I just loved this book so much. I used to check out the children’s version again and again; graduating to the unabridged when I grew older.

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So here I am going to do a slightly different post, I am going to focus on one character: the Phantom.

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I just love him:

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Erik is a wanderer. After being hurt by so many he no longer considers him as having an nationality or family.

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His pain originates from when he was a child and his own parents were too disgusted to see his “true form.”

“When my own father never saw me and when my mother, so as not to see me, made me a present of my first mask.” (pg. 130)

Aw, man.

Aw, man.

He is so often used to being considered as death, that he has even prepared him room as such. All in black and even sleeps in a coffin. How sad is that? Poor guy!

The_Wolf_Man_4Crying sad

But even in that ugliness and sadness there is beauty. He is a musical genius with a voice like no other.

“He heard a very captivating voice…Raoul had never heard anything more absolutely and heroically sweet, more gloriously insidious, more delicate, more powerful, in short, more irresistibly triumphant…nothing could describe the passion with which the voice sang…” (pg. 98)

Erik is very intelligent and has done many things before coming to the opera house and meeting Christine.

“You must not think, Raoul, that he [Erik] is simply a man who amuses himself by living underground. He does things that no man could do; he knows things which nobody in the world knows.” (pg. 135)

I mean he built THAT opera house and created numerous trap doors, spring sets, his own secret underground home. And that’s not the only thing he has created. He built palaces for Sultans and Kings; but always being betrayed by them as they want him dead so that they alone can posses his genius.

right in the feels broken heart

One day the Phantom comes upon Christine and decides to help assist her to become a fantastic singer.

“From that time onward, the voice and I became great friends.” (pg. 116)

They spend years together as the Phantom puts his all into teaching her and helping her. Then one day Christine spots Raoul and tells the phantom all about seeing him. And the voice disappears. Christine is anxious and scared. She knows she is nothing without him, she will shrivel up into a has-been.

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The next day the Phantom comes and tells her he has to leave her.

“The voice was there, spoke to me with great sadness and told me plainly that, if I must bestow my heart on earth, there was nothing for the voice to do but go back to heaven.” (pg. 117)

You see, no threats. No harsh words. The Phantom would have simply backed off if she loved another. He would be heartbroken, but that would be the end of it. Except…

“I swore to the voice that you were no more than a brother to me nor ever would be and that my heart was incapable of any earthly love.” (pg. 117)

Ryan-Gosling-Oh-No-You-Didnt-Half-Nelson

You see that!!!! You see that!!! She purposely leads on the Phantom because she just wants to use him. She doesn’t love him, she doesn’t care for him, as she has stated before:

“[to Raoul] And that, dear, first revealed to me that I loved you.” (pg. 117)

you're evil

She knew, but she had a good thing and didn’t want to see it disappear. Now she tells Raoul that she “lied only because she thought she had no chance with Raoul.” But is that even the truth? She already admitted to playing the Phantom, she’s probably playing Raoul too. He’s rich and interested, and now she’s going to play the little helpless victim to catch him.

hate her

So you know what, I never feel sorry for her. She created this whole mess as she only cared about herself and not what her false declarations did to people. She almost kills hundreds because of her selfishness. I feel bad for the Phantom. Poor guy, who is completely crushed by her. He picked the wrong woman.

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Then the Phantom carries her off underground into his home.

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Now I admit, his carrying her off wasn’t the right thing to do. He should have asked her instead of just carrying her like that. But what does he do next? He confesses that he isn’t an angel or teacher but that he is the Phantom of the Opera, its architect, etc.

“He [Erik] feels me with horror and I do not hate him. How can I hate him Raoul? Think of Erik at my feet…he accuses himself, he curses himself, he implores my forgiveness!…He loves me! He lays at my feet an immense and tragic love…He has carried me off for love!” (pg. 125)

iLoveyou

He treats her wonderfully. He respects her as a thing of beauty and doesn’t harm her or touch her. And when she is upset and wants to leave?

“And, when I stood up, Raoul, and told him that I could only despise him if he did not, then and there, give me my liberty…he offered it…” (pg. 125)

See he isn’t a crazy killer or psychotic (yet). He loves her and respects her wishes. She’s the viper, she’s evil as she chooses to stay there even though she doesn’t love him, she just wants to use him.

“For he sang. And I listened…and stayed!” (pg. 125)

She falls asleep and then wakes up in a whole different room, properly freaked. BUT then spots a note left to her by the Phantom.

“My dear Christine, you need have no concern as to your fate. You have no better nor more respectful friend in the world than myself.” (pg. 126)

He just let her alone, as he sees her as the kindest and most divine woman; respecting her. He also purchases tons of things for her in order to make the place truly home.

How sweet!

How sweet!

But Christine is not happy. She wants out. She is angry with the Phantom, even though he has given her everything! All she wants is to see his face as “no honest man would wear a mask.” But that is the one place Erik won’t give.

No thank youhowaboutno

Then Erik mentions how most of her time with him will be musical practice. She is angry as he wants her to stay five days, then he will let her go again as she will either love him (hope) or pity him. But Christine is now upset that he won’t let her go now, but hey he offered you before.

She cannot make up her mind.

She cannot make up her mind.

The real issue Christine has with the Phantom is his skull-like face. This is what breaks her and makes her horrified and disgusted. She can’t leave well enough alone, and asks him to play for her, plotting her deception. When he is too worked up in the music she snatches the mask off.

Phantomoftheopera1925unmasked

Now she thinks he is disgusting, and here is where he makes his first incredibly bad decision.

big mistake

He tells Christine that he can’t let her go. He knows that she sees him only as a monster, and if returned to the surface would tell others of the “monster”, causing them to be riled up, create a mob, and set out to kill him.

mob

Grab your torches and sharpen your pitchforks!

Christine, the little actress she is, starts playing to the areas he has been insecure. She tells him that he is genius, his music causes her to forget his looks. She even burns his mask to symbolize that she is “above” such things. In reality she is playing him  from every angle, earning his trust so that he is willing to believe she actually loves him and won’t harm him. Letting her go.

you're evil

Christine acts as if he is a true monster, but the Phantom has a compassionate heart. She asks if she can pretend to “be engaged”, playacting, with Raoul and the Phantom agrees.

“He said, ‘I trust you, Christine. M. de Chagny [Raoul] is in love with you and going abroad. Before he goes, I want him to be as happy as I am.” (pg. 134)

How can someone be unfeeling when they consider what their arch rival’s feelings?

How sweet!

How sweet!

Eventually, the Phantom figures out the truth, that this was all a set up and steals Christine away; that final act of betrayal being the straw that broke the camels back.

HurtMeHurtYouBack

I mean he really believed that someone had fallen in love with him.

“It is my wish…my wish to let her go; and she will come again…for she loves me!…All this will end in marriage…” (pg. 206)

He thinks his dream and true love is in his grasp!

“…Now I want to live like everybody else. I want a wife like everybody else and to take her out on Sundays. I have invented a mask that makes me look like anybody…All I have ever wanted was to be loved for myself…” (214)

The thing I really hate about the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical is how the changed the relationship between Christine and the Phantom with her thinking if him as her father and making Raoul less of the pansy he was. But most of all they make the Phantom a total psychi and murderer. He doesn’t really kill people in the book, unless it is for self-preservation. We only witness three: two were out trying to get him, and the third he accidentally kills Raoul’s brother, who when searching for him falls into a trap. The Phantom really regrets having killed him. And he also does bring the chandelier down, which injures and kills. How many, we don’t know.

Phantom of the Opera chandelier

He then gives Christina an option. She can choose Raoul and the Opera house will be blown up (as Erik has hidden dynamite under the floor when he built it) or she can choose him and save everyone. I have to admit that forcing her to choose marrying him was not right or what she should do, but people who have been betrayed often do not think logically but just want to heart the person who hurt them.

broken-heart-breakYouPatrick

But in the end he let’s Christine go, because she finally gave him the one thing he has most wanted: companionship and love:

“I tell you I kissed her just like that, on her forehead…and she did not draw back her forehead from my lips! (pg. 247)

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Poor Erik!

“Poor, unhappy Erik! Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? He asked only to be “some one,” like everybody else. But he was too ugly! And he had to hide his genius or use it to play tricks with, when, with an ordinary face, he would have been one of the most distinguished of mankind! He had a heart that could have held the empire of the world; and, in the end, he had to content himself with a cellar. Ah, yes, we must pity the opera ghost.” (pg. 259)

Leave me alone so I can cry over the death of my fictional characters

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 I think what resonates the most with this story is how relatable the Phantom was. Who of us hasn’t at one time hated how we looked?

anthony-michael-hall-brian-insecure-quotes-the breakfast club see myself don't like what i see insecure body image

Had our heart broken:

HeartbreakBuffy the Vampire slayer heartbroken Sad

Been betrayed by someone we thought cared about us?

you broke my heart silverstein

Or felt we hadn’t received the recognition we deserved?

StoryOfMyLifeSomeLikeItHotMarilynMonroe

What else can I say?

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Why yes I do!

phantomoftheoperaJane

Starting in 2015, I decided to dress up “Jane Austen” in Halloween costumes. Check her out as the Bride of Frankenstein.

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Stupid Not to Read Jane Austen Quote

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To start the 30 Day Challenge from the beginning, go to It Was a Pleasure to Burn: Fahrenheit 451

For the previous post, go to Each Illustration is a Little Story. If You Watch Them, In a Few Minutes They Tell You a Tale: The Illustrated Man

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For more on The Phantom of the Opera, go to How to Meet the Perfect Guy

For more on Gaston Leroux, go to Fantom of the Opera

For more Jane Austen quotes, go to Midnight in Austenland

For more Silverstein, go to The End by Silverstein

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Today’s carol is The First White Christmas from the claymation, The First Christmas:The Story of the First Christmas Snow.

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I couldn’t find any info on the song, but they play it in the opening and ending credits. I always thought it was cute, and it tends to get stuck in my head.

I couldn’t find a video unfortunately, or a good link to watch the film (as they took down the best one).

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For more on The First Christmas:The Story of the First Christmas Snow, go to 25 More Films of Christmas

For more Christmas Carols, go to She Struck Him as a Fixer-Upper, a Block of Clay Ready for Pygmalion’s Chisel: The Overnight Socialite

Since U Been Gone

Grudge

So here we are another step in the “Getting Over a Heartbreak” series. As you recall from Gone Forever, Put Me Outand But It’s Alright; we still are in that angry at my ex phase. So here we are with:

Since_U_Been_Gone_

16) Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson.

Now I have always liked Kelly Clarkson, although I have never really thought of myself as being a major fan. I remember when Kelly Clarkson won American Idol (yep back when the show was good and the winners actually went on to do something). I even watched her silly film From Justin to Kelly, starring her and the runner up. However, I am a huge fan of this song! I absolutely loved it!

So the song was written by Max Martin and Lukasz “Dr. Luke” Gottwald who actually wrote it for  Pink. She turned it down and it was then offered to Clarkson, in which she added more guitar and drums to counteract the light pop sound. It was number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100.

The music video is great, as after her boyfriend cheated on her and dumped her she ripped his place apart. Now I’m not one for vandalism, but finding out someone cheated on you will make anyone go crazy and pull this or a Daisy from Mystic Pizza.

Stay

It’s just a great song that truly captures how one feels after being betrayed by someone they loved and how angry they feel.

Adele

 

But just like The End by Silverstein just be careful how you react, its fine to sing about it, but if you actually participate in that kind of destruction just be prepared for the consequences.

So on to the lyrics and video!!!

Here’s the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn’t long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone

And all you’d ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That’s all you’d ever hear me say

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone

Miss you less sweeney-todd-sweeney-todd-23636342-500-270

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since U Been Gone

How come I’d never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get (I get) what I want
Since U Been Gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can’t take it
Again and again and again and again

Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone

So the music video is super amazing!!!

So this song became super popular that A Day to Remember did a cover and copied the music video scene by scene. It’s pretty cool.

I have to say that I really enjoy the Kelly Clarkson version, that’s why I included it, but I like the A Day to Remember  a little bit better. I like how it has more of a rock than pop sound and I like the screamo as I think it really expresses the anger in the song. But however it is sung the song is still great.

And it teaches you an important thing:

valuable

Because never forget:

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And:

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But at the same time don’t get too caught up in anger and bitterness. After all:

Best Revenge

musicnotes

To start the “Getting Over a Heartbreak Series” from the beginning, go to If It Means A Lot to You

To go to the previous post, go to But It’s Alright

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For more of my fav songs. go to Put Me Out

For more of my fav quotes, go to It’s All Jane Austen’s Fault

For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic

broken-heart-self-Control

 

So this starts off another episode in our heartbreak series. Yep this is:

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11) For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic by Paramore

So as I mentioned before Paramore was a band I got into recently and love. This album Riot! has a lot of songs that deal with heartbreak, such as That’s What You Getwhich I did an earlier post on. I just love this song because I feel that it captures how one feels after a disappointing relationship in which the person they trusted, loved, and cared for broke their trust and hurt them deeply.

you broke my heart silverstein

In fact the guitarist and writer of the song, Josh Farro, said that he wrote the song to express what it is like to put “your faith in someone and they blow it.” 

Just talk yourself up and tear yourself down
You’ve hit your one wall, now find a way around
Well, what’s the problem? You got a lot of nerve

So what did you think I would say?
No, you can’t run away, no, you can’t run away
So what did you think I would say?
No, you can’t run away, no, you can’t run away
You wouldn’t

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away
You threw it away

f_lonelylovParamore

I’m not so naive, my sorry eyes can see
The way you fight shy of almost everything
Well, if you give up, you’ll get what you deserve

So what did you think I would say?
No, you can’t run away, no, you can’t run away
So what did you think I would say?
No, you can’t run away, no, you can’t run away
You wouldn’t

paramore

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away
You threw it away

You were finished long before
We had even seen the start
Why don’t you stand up? Be a man about it
Fight with your bare hands about it now!

paramore3

break up

I never wanted to say this (say this)
You never wanted to stay, well did you?
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away.

But you know what, you will find someone better, who will appreciate who you are. I love this quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald:

won'twait

Yep

wantYoutoStay

After all:

Gossip girl destination

And never believe you are anything less.

onceinalifetime

musicnotes

To start the Heartbreak series from the beginning, go to If It Means A Lot to You

To go to the previous post, go to I’ll Be Alright Without You by Journey

musicnotes

For more on Paramore, go to That’s What You Get

For more of my favorite music, go to Carry On Wayward Son

For more of my favorite quotes, go to The Two Times to Be Over

For more on Emma, go to Part VII: It Was Said One Night

For more on Jane Austen, go to How to Catch a Man

For more on Silverstein, go to The End by Silverstein

For more on trust issues, go to Girl on Fire

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The End by Silverstein

Please keep reading, you won;t be disappointed,

Please keep reading, you won;t be disappointed,

Silverstein The End

2) The End by Silverstein

So if you remember from my earlier post If It Means A Lot to You, I am doing a countdown of my favorite heartbreak songs to help one get over a break up. Now I did do an earlier post on this song when Michael and I broke up back in December, The End, but I only briefly talked about it. The album A Shipwreck in the Sand is kind of depressing, but still good:

still good

The album details the story of a guy who is cheated on by his girlfriend. To make it even worse, its not just any guy but his best friend. He eventually goes crazy and sets his house on fire, very Secret Window-esque. Even though they broke his trust he still loves his best friend and girlfriend still so he ends up saving them from the fire, but still goes to court for his crimes. He is acquitted but loses his daughter to his girlfriend. He realizes he can’t go on living and ends up taking his life, hence The End.

right in the feels broken heart

Like A Day to Remember and Avenged SevenfoldSilverstein was a band that Michael got me into, one of the several CDs he gave me. (Like I mentioned before a lot of these songs came from him. Is it irony or full circle?)

Like It Meant A Lot To You this song really expressed how I felt about the breakup. So here we go:

The first time we met
Your face became etched
In my mind

So the first time I saw his face, it wasn’t exactly etched in my mind, I mean I didn’t even think he liked me until a couple weeks later. But I also couldn’t stop thinking about him. He intrigued me and I wanted to know more about him.

Whatyouseeinaperson

Silverstein

You were the sun
I was the one
Who worshiped you.
My hands were your guns
Your eyes were my muse.


And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But can I still keep
A place in your heart?

This was how I felt after he dumped me. I thought it was all my fault, that I was the reason we broke up. Now I know that it wasn’t necessarily what I did, I mean I still have no clue what went wrong between us, but a breakup isn’t one sided, there us far too much that to have it be blamed on only one person (except when cheating is involved.)

Deserve

And all I kept thinking and hoping (at the time) was maybe he would change his mind, maybe I could hold a place in his heart (I know pathetic 😦 But people act different when they care for others, they don’t do things they normally would. You just aren’t in your right mind)

Silverstein
You broke my heart
You promised me the moon and stars
I fell for your dreams. I fell for your lies
There was no other way
You know I tried


Now this part of the song is sung by the gf but for me all I could think after we broke up was everything that Michael had promised me. Now I know some things were silly, like him planning our trip to Disneyland (I’m not that dense) but I thought that he meant it when we talked about seeing each other in the upcoming months, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, etc. And the worst thing is that I mentioned these things, and he knew he had already decided to break up with me but didn’t have the guts to let me know.

jerk

you broke my heart silverstein


And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But can I still keep
A place in your heart?

There is something
I want you to know
I think you know exactly what it is
I didn’t want to save you
I didn’t want to save you
I set our house on fire
To watch it burn
But I couldn’t just leave you there

I'm talking figuratively here. Don't actually be burning things.

I’m talking figuratively here. Don’t actually be burning things.

And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But I’ll ask you this

Will you still miss me?
(Yes I’ll miss you)
Do you love me?
(Yes I love you)

Planes fill the sky
We’ll both die tonight
We’ll both die tonight
Hands from the sky
Swat us away like flies
As we follow the light

Planes fill the sky
We’ll both die tonight
We’ll both die tonight
Hands from the sky
Swat us away like flies
As we follow the light

We’ll both die tonight
We’ll both die tonight

Swat us away like flies
(We’ll both die tonight)
As we follow the light
(As we follow the light)

This union, a battle fought and lost
This union was not about the cause
This union was never about love

But you know what, even though it hurt at the time it probably was for the best. If he couldn’t tell me what was going on with him, couldn’t give me any attention,and just wasn’t as invested in our relationship like I was, it was good that we broke up.

A-Girl-Needs-A-Man-With-Real-Intentions

Although it did make me sad:

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But it can be better to end than to continue something that was not making both parties truly happy. (BTW by using the above pic I do not want anyone out there to think that I’m  still wallowing [that’s over] or anything, it just fit well with what I was saying)

bettertoend

lifegoeson

And you’ll meet someone great who will be just right for you.

RightGuy

musicnotes

For more on the Heartbreak Series, go to If It Means a Lot to You

musicnotes

Otherwise here are a few posts you may be interested in

For more on Avenged Sevenfold, go to Belle of the Ball

For more on stories of betrayal by those close to you, check out Wake Up Dad 

For more on what a real man is, go to A Real Man

For more of my favorite songs, go to Once Upon a Time

The End: Goodbye Michael, Goodbye

TheEnd_Title_2

All things must come to an end. And as stated before, my relationship with Michael has ended and with that any more posts about him. It’s time to fully move on. We had the Verne Saga, the Michael Drama, and now its time to move onto something completely new.

It’s hard to fully move on as I was counting down the days until I would see him again and couldn’t wait until I was home and could spend time with him. I was totally the guy in If It Means A Lot to Youor All My Lovin“. There are some days when I do great, and others when all I can think of is what could have been, what I could be doing with him. Some days I feel very much like Shawn Spencer in the Psych episode “Right Turn or Left For Dead“.

what-not-to-say-to-broken-hearted-girl-3what went wrong holiday

The hardest thing is not knowing exactly what happened that made him change his feelings for me. I keep contrasting the old Michael; (the Michael that played the piano for me, would text me cute things, the one that had to see me so much that he skyped me on his vacation, who spent all his evenings and some days with me, was waiting for the right moment to kiss me, who was excited to take me out on a “real” date, the guy who I had trouble getting him to stop talking to me on the phone); to the Michael that started ignoring me, and was so emotionally detached and standoffish. I just don’t know what happened.

Endings

I mean I was terrified to try a long-distance relationship as I thought it wouldn’t work out, but he was so secure and sure, he made me believe it and I don’t know what made him change his mind.

I went and returned some of his stuff and asked him what happened, but he wouldn’t answer me until I harshly pressed him. He told me that 1) I wasn’t the person he wanted to marry. This really threw me as matrimony was the furthest thing from my mind. I mean we had only  been dating 5 months of which only 2 did we interact everyday with each other (the other 3 we were apart), and I think that is waaaay  too short a time to be thinking of marriage. There was still so much we needed to learn about each other. We needed time to grow our relationship and be a couple before marriage could even be thrown on the table. I mean, how could he even know with that short of time? At the beginning of our relationship I mentioned that so many of my friends were getting married and having babies and that I was no where near ready for that anytime soon. I mean if he really wanted to get married, wouldn’t he have just have not dated me? I mean we talked about HIMYM and I told him how Ted’s constant falling in love and trying to marry girls who did not want to be married constantly annoyed me, and he agreed with me.  I know I never tried to pressure him into thinking we had to get engaged. I never even tried to pressure him into saying I love you. I never asked for a promise ring or any jewelry. I really feel that this is a copout.

He also told me that 2)”we were too different”. I don’t know why he would say that, as in the summer we “were so much alike“. I tried to press him on what was different and he couldn’t give any definite answer just kept repeating “we are too different”. I don’t understand what was so different; we both are human, grew up in church, lived in the same town, have suffered from addictions, are the youngest in our families, have similar morals, beliefs, values, and political thoughts/ideologies; loved to read similar stuff, watch the same type of movies, etc. I mean I don’t drink, but that’s not like I  judge anyone who does. I don’t have tattoos, but I never said anything about his other than when I said that the process looked extremely painful. I don’t know what he thought I wouldn’t be able to understand or empathize.

 He also said 3) he was  too aloof for me, and I demanded too much of his time. All I was asking for was 20mins a week to talk or skype, some texting, and seeing him once a month when I visited home. I don’t know where he will find any girl less dependent or consuming of one’s time. I actually don’t mind spending time by myself and doing my own thing, I missed him though and wanted to be with him. Besides when I was there this summer not only did he tell me how he hated being alone (kinda cancels out being aloof) but he spent practically every day with me, and I did not force him to do that.
I feel like the song The End” by Silverstein, “you broke my heart, you promised me the moon and stars. I fell for your dreams. I fell for your lies.”
you broke my heart silverstein
He told me so many things and I believed him. He talked about our future, making plans, and he didn’t come through. And the worst thing of all, he knew he wanted to break up with me, but didn’t have the courage to say anything. He lead me on. He allowed me to think nothing was wrong and let me plan spending my winter break with him. I searched for a perfect Christmas present for him, and when I texted him I had it, he already knew that he had no plans to spend Christmas with me. He knew that my Grandfather died and he said nothing. Any decent person would be there for someone who was hurting, but he just ignored me and my pain. It wasn’t immediate but for a while I just wanted to slap him or hit him. The song “Blow” by Atreyu describes how I felt about him.
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But now I’ve gotten past that. I’ve forgiven him for what he did and how he hurt me. I really cared about him, and as pathetic as it might sound to some, I genuinely hope that he finds happiness, and someone to care about him as much as I did. I actually am starting to feel bad for him, as I know that I will find someone else who will treat me how I deserve, but he will have lost out on me. He’ll never find another girlfriend who didn’t care about his past, only the present and future. One who never pressed him about things in the past he didn’t want to discuss, but waited until he wanted to share. Who didn’t care that he couldn’t take her on a “real date” as she didn’t care about money but spending time with him. Who never judged or criticized him. Who always supported and encouraged him. Who sent him care packages, even though she was the one that was “away”. He will never find someone who will listen to all his hurts and insercurties and do everything in her power to make sure that she doesn’t contribute to them, but try and help him overcome them. I mean at times I felt like telling him that I had other guys very interested in me, but I knew he had previous relationships were the girls broke his trust and I didn’t want to to that. He will never, ever, ever, find a girl who when they broke up never told him about the hurt and bitterness he caused her, but tried to encourage him all the way in the end, sharing instead all the things she loved about him. Who told him that she loved him, not as a ploy to get back together or make him feel guilty, but because she did and because she honestly wished for his happiness. What can I say, I’m one in a million and he is going to miss out on me.
value:Worth
It’s funny, because when we started our relationship it reminded me of Lloyd and Diane from Say Anything. Michael was Lloyd, very adorable, easygoing, friendly, impulsive, full of life experiences, etc. And I was a much nicer version of the more structured, focused, not as socially experienced, more of a loner Diane. But somewhere along the way, I became Lloyd, and Michael Diane. Just like in the film,  something happenedc to change how Michael/Diane felt about the relationship, and instead of talking about it  they decided to break it off. Like Lloyd, I did a final move, although not nearly as epic as his boombox move. I was working on a CD to tell Michael how I felt about him as I was planning on dropping the L-Bomb on our fifth anniversary. We broke up two weeks before that, and I was going to delete the playlist, but finished and dropped it off asking him to just listen to it. He told me once that he always listens to any CD given to him twice, and I hope he listens to this one as nothing could better describe how I felt about him.
Favsongstellmore

Now not everything was bad about what happened. I’ve always been afraid of commitment and allowing someone into that space of my life and with Michael I learned how to care, trust, and let down emotional walls. And except for the last three weeks of our relationship (when he started to ignore me), Michael was a pretty great boyfriend. He really made my summer special and I am so thankful for that, as it is the best summer I’ve ever had. I also found out that I am capable of long-distance relationships, as I never thought I would be able to. But I cared about him so deeply that while the distance was long and sad at times, it was worth it. And it was nice having a very intelligent, funny, attractive, sweet guy as my boyfriend, as short as it was. Plus he introduced me to some great bands. I’ve always liked all types of music (besides rap), but most of my musical knowledge ends in 1989, and he opened me up to some great stuff. I love A Day to Remember, Silverstein, Atreyu, Chiodos, Three Days Grace, My Chemical Romance, Streetlight Manifestoand Avenged Sevenfold. I found a a7x sweater in a thrift store and almost bought it, but it was white and I always ruin my white sweaters. 😦 He had been lending me his CDs to check out the music, and I  (of course) had to return them to him. I then went to the library and put holds on everything they had from these bands.

It’s been about a month since we broke up and still hurts. This describes perfectly how I feel.

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I know I’ll find someone else and I won’t settle for anything less than a Lloyd, Mr. Tilney, or  any of the amazing men in my Romance is in the Air series (or part II). I’ll be okay. The hardest thing is that there was this guy Martin who liked me when I was dating Michael, and when I let him know I had a boyfriend he backed off. As soon as he found out Michael and I broke up, he immediately upped his game. All the attention, the flirting he’s doing, etc.; hurts. It’s not coming from who I wanted it to be from. But in time I know I will heal. It won’t be easy, but I know I’ll come through this okay.

justending