Welcome to a New World of Gods and Monsters: The Mummy (2017)

Welcome to a new world of gods and monsters.

So I love The Mummy (1932)

And The Mummy (1999)

But this one was horrible!

Ugh.

The plot made no sense at all!!!

Help me! I’m confused!

There was no cool Egyptian stuff or history or action at all. It didn’t even take place in Egypt but in England!

And they threw in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and didn’t explain why:

This is pretty much how I felt through the whole film:

It was just horrible from beginning to end, didn’t explain, and I didn’t care about any of the characters. I’d rather watch him:

Or him:

Or her:

Or her:

Any day.

To start Horrorfest VI from the beginning, go to One of Our Guests is a Werewolf, I Know It.: The Beast Must Die (1974)

For the previous post, go to What Do They Want You For? Murder: Silver Streak (1976)

For more mummy films, go to A Modern Mummy: Under Wraps (1997)

For more Tom Cruise, go to Pot o’ Gold: 17 Irish Heroes

For The Mummy (1932), go to Eternal Punishment for Anyone Who Opens This Casket: The Mummy (1932)

For more Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, go to Man-Bat: On Leather Wings, Batman the Animated Series (1992)

For more sucky films, go to Have You Seen Megan Hipwell?: The Girl On the Train (2016)

For more sucky remakes, go to Dracula. Not Myth, Nor Ravings of a Mad Irish Novelist, Oh No, He’s Real: Dracula 2000 (2000)

Have You Seen Megan Hipwell?: The Girl On the Train (2016)

the_girl_on_the_train

Have you seen Megan Hipwell?

I first was introduced to the book this film is based on by Goodreads. Everywhere I looked they promoted the book and kept recommending it to me.

They were constantly attacking me trying to get me to read it. That kind of pressure actually made me not want to read it at all.

Want YOu Leave Me Alone

But then I saw the film coming out and decided that I would like to read the book before seeing the film. I figured out who the murderer was, but thought the book was pretty well written.

LeavehertoHeavenReading

So before we start with the film review, let’s give a bit of background on the book. So the theme of the book is that you never really know a person, there is a lot more than meets the eye.

Carnival of Souls Don't know real

So the book is told by three female narrators who are completely unreliable.

1) First we have Rachel Watson. Rachel is bitter, obsessed, and an alcoholic. We want to like her and believe in her, feeling for the wrongs that have been committed against her, but at the same time we can’t trust her. First of all Rachel is an alcoholic who continually blacks out when she gets drunk and never knows what actually happens. Besides that, Rachel admits that she has an overactive imagination so we never know what she does remember or see to really be what she says or whether it is made up in her head.

2) Secondly we have Anna Watson. Anna was a real estate agent by day, party girl by night. When she met Tom Watson, Rachel’s husband at the time, she wanted him; became the other woman; got pregnant and became the new wife. She dislikes Rachel and the disruption she brings as she continually plagues their life. As Anna is willing to do all she can to get rid of Rachel, can we actually believe what she says about her or is it just jealousy?

3) Last we have Megan HipwellMegan says right away that she is a liar and makes things up all the time, no one really knows who she is. Therefore, how can we trust a single sentence she utters? Her story is told in flashbacks, leading up to her disappearance and murder.

So I  decided to see the film, how did it hold up?

It works

Well………………………………………………………………………….

I don't like it 11

I thought the film was pretty horrible. It didn’t capture the thrills of the book, the language and screenplay was horrid; and they just inserted sex everywhere! I was furious! WHO WROTE THIS? It sucked!

fliptablesangrysurprised

So let’s count down what made this film so bad.

startrekletsgetstarted

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1) Setting

Macdonald-Elmers-Court-Resort-England

So they changed the location from England to New York and I thought that was a bad decision. First of all I’m tired of everything being New York, it is getting kind of boring. Besides that I thought England was a better choice as unlike America, Europe is so centered on trains. I also thought the weather and location added a certain suspense to everything.

fog

Plus the way the police interact and a lot of mannerisms; didn’t translate over as well to American. I mean there was Rachel’s obsession with her house that is very English, a type of Peril at End House that we have here, but not as strong.

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2) The Language

Thank-you-in-many-languages

The book was well written and crafted well in creating the story. The film, however, was not done well. I can’t believe the person who wrote this was paid any money, it was bad. Just F-bombs; no mystery, no suspense, nothing.

I don't like it 11

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3) Too Much Sex

did not need to see that

They trade out character development and actual plot to just show sex like every ten minutes. None of this was in the book, as it didn’t need that to be a good story. In fact the excessive sex just made the story weaker.

I mean when you watch the trailer they market it like 50 Shades of Gray. That was not what the book was about.

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4) Where was Anna?

thegirlonthetrain

So the book is split between three narrators, the film did well with two but Anna had hardly any character development. In fact she was barely even in the film. Why would they do that? She was a big part of the story?

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5) Surprises Revealed Too Early

really?

really?

So the book is a SUSPENSE. A THRILLER! You aren’t supposed to reveal things right away, they are supposed to be done slowly.

However, this film took all the thrills out early on. If you watch the trailer, the killer is revealed. They tell everything about Rachel’s reason for drinking, Megan’s secrets, etc.

It is like they wanted to do a drama instead of a thriller.

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6) Most of the Casting Choices were Horrible

So I disliked almost every actor they choose to play these characters. What were they thinking? Who was in charge of this? They should be fired.

Scott Hipwell

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In the book Scott was a wealthy IT consultant. He had a lot of money and could support the two of them, have a nice house in the country, and live off having to travel and work like once a week to twice a month. He was kind, handsome, charming, respectable, etc. You wanted to like him because Rachel did. Rachel believed in him and never thought of him being a killer or ever hurting his wife. He had to be someone you felt comfortable with, that way when Rachel realizes she has no idea who this guy really is, just who she imagines him to be, it takes on a real creepy tone.

In this, from the way he [Luke Evans] dresses and acts he seemed abusive and controlling. I never trusted him in the film as straight off the bat he acted and looked like someone who would hurt women. He never appeared trusting, kind, or gentle. He never appeared IT and their home looked barely lived in and worn. It just didn’t work and he didn’t work.

Tom Watson

thegirlonthetrain

So in the book, Rachel describes Tom as being strong, powerful, and having the shoulders that seemed like they could carry all their weights and burdens. He is remarried, but at the same time the way he treats Rachel is almost like Cousin Ashley in Gone With the Wind, keeping her on a string.

In this film, I was surprised that they picked Justin Theroux. He was small and made me think of a weasel. I never thought he seemed comforting or a good husband; he looked like a liar and a cheat the whole time. I thought he was a bad choice, as like Luke Evans, he just couldn’t create a sincere or kind facade.

Anna Watson

thegirlonthetrain

As said before, Anna was supposed to be party girl turned wife. In this she had no character development and the only bit we had was that she loved being a mom and thought it was the best thing any woman could do. We never heard about what she thought about their relationship, her hatred of Rachel, her needs, desires, etc.

Megan Hipwell

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I thought she was okay. They definitely played up the sexual angle, but didn’t focus on everything she went though to be who she was. All she was was a sex addict; not a grieving sister, former drug addict, bankrupt business owner, wife, friend, etc.Megan was much more complicated than just sex.

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The only thing I really liked was Emily Blunt as Rachel. She did extremely well in showing the emotional abuse and effects of alcohol. Good job, Emily!

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girl_on_the_train_1280

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to He’s Married to a Corpse. He Has A Corpse Bride!: Corpse Bride (2005)

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For more films on disappearances, go to What Have We Done to Each Other?: Gone Girl (2014)

For more Emily Blunt, go to Beast or Man: The Wolfman (2010)

For more films based on books, go to That Face-I’ve Seen Her Before…: Let Me Call You Sweetheart (1997)

It Was the Curse. My Curse: The Cheerleader Murders (2016)

The_Cheerleader_Murders_2016_8060405

“It was the curse. My curse.”

So I was housesitting and dogsitting for a family friend while they went camping, and they asked if I would hang out with their dogs as they just love attention. They told me to help myself to anything to drink and that I could watch TV or movies.

Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to me.

As dogs love attention I would come multiple times a day. And as I don’t have cable anymore I miss watching TCM (Turner Classic Movies) along with Lifetime and Hallmark.

So I was checking out what was on and then decided to look up xfinity’s on demand. I came across this movie’s summary.

Ellie was just your regular cheerleader until her father and sister were murdered. Now she’s investigating, but then two other girls are kidnapped. It seems as if the killer is on to Ellie’s investigation. Will she figure it out before they go after her next?

Mal_huh Whoa Wow what

I thought it sounded great. Girl’s father and sister are murdered and she’s hunting down the killer’s in this huge game of cat and mouse?

I'm ready to watch

I’m ready to watch

This film was no where near that at all.

Majorly

Majorly

Instead it was stupid, Ellie was a giant numbskull, and it was extremely obvious who the killer was. I hated it and wished I hadn’t wasted my time.

lord-henry-remind-u-that-ur-getting-old

However, as I already spent about two hours watching, so you guys are going to get my review.

startrekletsgetstarted

As I didn’t really like the film it will be mostly images from other things. Just a quick FYI for you all.

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So the film starts off extremely strangely. The girl believes everything that has gone wrong in her life is because of a curse.

What! Mark Wahlberg that's weird

Some “curse” of cheerleaders follows her family. First the prom king was killed  when he was with her mom in high school. Then her sister and her boyfriend broke up. He didn’t take it kindly and snuck into the house. Ellie saw him and didn’t say anything due to her shock. He went into the sister’s room and shot her.

OMG gasp

The father hearing the cries came out and was shot as well. The boyfriend then committed suicide.

Under Capricorn Aah oh no ugh

Ellie blames herself for the murders, saying they happened because she is cursed.

SayWhat?BuffyVampireSlayernosense

Now I get blaming yourself (even though it wasn’t her fault. In fact if she had tried to do something she probably would have been killed) but a curse? A curse? Really? Why does she believe it? It makes zero sense, it just doesn’t jell of line up. There is no reason why she would believe she is cursed.

huh

huh

So now it is a year later. The mom and daughter are strangely still living in the same house. I don’t know way they wouldn’t have moved, I sure would’ve.

Getting out of here

Getting out of here

So Ellie is friends with the two most popular girls in school, also cheerleaders, Morgan and Dee. Morgan’s parents are out of town so she’s having a sleepover with Dee and Ellie. Ellie also dates the newest, yet hottest, guy in the school; Nicholas.

hot pretty sexy

They think they are pretty hot.

Meanwhile, there is a guy who is on the fringe of high school social society, Ben. He tries to talk to Morgan but Dee scares the “loser” off.

ChristianSlaterHeathers

Meanwhile, Morgan and the coach seem very friendly, so much that there is a rumor that something might be going on there but Morgan denies it.

Mmhm great gatsby

At the sleepover one of the girls notices a little clay bunny. They ask Morgan where it came from, but Morgan doesn’t know, it just appeared.

weirdtwilightzone

So the sleepover doesn’t end well. Ellie and Dee are trying to find out if Morgan’s rumors with the coach are true. She gets mad and says some remarks to the two girls. Dee strikes back and Ellie gets offended when they say something that triggers her father’s and sister’s death.

HateEverythingthewomen

Ellie leaves and heads home. When she arrives there she finds a clay bunny in her room too.

Gilmore girls creep

The next day Morgan and Dee don’t show up at school. It isn’t weird that they would skip, as neither girl is really an academic like Ellie, but hey would never miss the big day of the pep rally, I mean after all Dee’s the head cheerleader.

Something is not right!

Something is not right!

Ellie decides to drive out to the house to check on the girls, but both are gone! And it looks like a struggle!  She calls the police and they start investigating as to what could have happened.

Hmm...

Hmm…

Ellie goes home where they have the police wait outside just in case. After all, everyone knew she was going to be at the sleepover, she is lucky she left when she did or she would’ve been taken too.

Woah! Close Call!

Woah! Close Call!

Now I don’t understand why she thinks there is a “curse” that affects her. I mean she is pretty lucky. Here she wasn’t kidnapped, and later  she does some real stupid things but makes it out okay. If anything she should think she is a “blessed” person.

MeanGirls I know right!

Anyways, so she is at home while her boyfriend pulls a Billy from Scream and sneaks in through the window instead of going through the front door.

Billy-From-Scream-scream-1804906-547-342

Now immediately I think, “hey, he’s new in town, this never happened before they moved here, and he gives off mega Billy vibes.” He is definitely in the equation.

MeanGirls I know right!

So they end up finding Morgan’s body out of town in a ravine. It matches up with some other deaths that have happened all over the country, and is clearly the work of a serial killer. The FBI are called in and are very interested in Ellie.

suspicious Hmm

But why would they think that Ellie is involved? There is zero evidence and no reason why she would do such a thing.

come on

The FBI find a clay bunny in Dee’s room as well. Could it be left by the killer?

paris-whenitsizzlesaudreyhmmHepburn

Ellie then receives a threatening note at school and decides to tell NO ONE ABOUT IT!!

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

What the HECK?!! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?! So stupid! TELL the POLICE!!!

Every time!

And this makes no sense at the end. How did the…whoa getting a head of myself.

So Ben has been questioned by the police and acting up, yelling, being mean, etc. Ellie becomes suspicious of Ben and decides to investigate.

I-got-this-reaction-gif

And DOES THE STUPIDEST THING EVER!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING GOING TO THE HOUSE OF A PERSON YOU THINK IS A KIDNAPPER AND MURDERER?

doyouwanttodie

There, at Ben’s house, Ellie finds a bunch of clay bunnies. She freaks out, and then Ben come home with his drugged up mother. He says that he did leave the bunnies, but only because he wanted to be friends with them.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Well then why you creeping around? I mean I know that he didn’t feel he could approach them one on one in school, as they might be cruel or laugh in his face. But come on man, did you really think that by breaking into their house you would become besties with them?

stupidestThingeverheard

Ben gets arrested, of course, but I know it’s not him. 1) He doesn’t seem like a killer, just a misunderstood boy looking for the love he is not getting from an abusive mother. 2) Its too easy. 3) There is a whole lot more left to the film.

Nope, not him.

Nope, not him.

Now Ben, I feel bad for you but you are going about this all in the completely WRONG way. First, stop skulking about the halls, no one likes a skulker. Second, stop being so mean and grouchy. Everyone likes a brooder but not someone who yells all the time. “10942424_357159407813870_3439160684594339232_n

So Ellie gets more threats, but these through her text messages. She still choses to not discuss it with the police.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

She’s also not even freaked out that crazy kidnapper and murderer, nay serial killer is after her. She’s just like no big deal.

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

So she is not at all questioning her boyfriend or his father’s weird behavior. I mean she barely knows them, they just moved here, none of this happened before they came.

It is totally one of them and I'm leaning toward the dad.

It is totally one of them and I’m leaning toward the dad.

Ellie decides to head out to where Morgan was found and the little altar/memorial they made for her but does the stupidest thing in the world.

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

First, she was supposed to go with her mom but tells her she can’t because Nicholas and her are going together. Then Nicholas offers to go with her but she turns him down as she wants to go BY HERSELF TO TRY AND CATCH THE KILLER!!! Can you believe that? How stupid! Did you just forget that you’ve been threatened twice already?

You are just asking to be killed.

You are just asking to be killed.

So I’m like please take a weapon or something with you, and does she? NO! BECAUSE SHE IS A BIG, FAT, STUPIDHEAD. Jeez, I try not to judge but you are really encompassing that stereotype of dumb cheerleader because you are so dumb!!!

My dream ending is that Ben will comes to Ellie’s rescue somehow, redeeming him and making everyone love and want to be his friend. That’s how I would end it. Either the dad or boyfriend turns out to be the psycho and Ben has to help her.

Scream 2 geek get the girl

But back to the film. As soon as Ellie gets to the memorial, everyone just disappears! Why?

2013-11-27-bradpitt friends ugh slap face stupid

Morgan’s dad comes depressed, sad, and acting really creepy. A big red herring is what I think, tossing him in like that as a potential suspect.

You think I'm really going to fall for that?

You think I’m really going to fall for that?

As Ellie is leaving a car kind of attacks her and they go on a chase, but he takes off and Ellie gets no plates or anything.

So Ellie decides to drive up the highway where Morgan was found. So goes up to THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!! YOU ARE JUST ASKING TO BE KILLED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

meettheRobinsonsPlannotthoughtthrough

She finds this house that is all alone and just looks like the ideal murder spot. And what does she do? Call the police? NO OF COURSE NOT. THIS DUNDERHEAD DECIDES TO GO MARCHING IN. Just because you can’t see a car doesn’t mean the killer isn’t there. And what if there is more than one? Eh? You don’t have anything to protect yourself. I mean, seriously.

Look at your life, look at your choices. You are making some really bad ones.

Look at your life, look at your choices. You are making some really bad ones.

So she breaks a window and gets into the house. Now of course this is the murder site, the writer of this flick wasn’t too bright or interesting. But what if this wasn’t the murder house? What if this house belongs to someone and you just wrecked it? You just don’t think do you.

Or do anything

Or do anything

This girl is so dumb, she deserves to die. Now I’m not usually that callous, but seriously the way she is acting. She’s asking to be a victim.

victimallyourlife

So Ellie hears a noise and heads down into the basement. There she finds Dee chained up, starved, and abused. Ellie gets her free and expects her friend to take off with her, but Dee is in too much of shock. She can barely move. If only Ellie had not forgotten to bring her phone.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Yes this entire movie Ellie has her phone permanently in her pocket, but then this one time she cold really use it, she left it in her car.

ugh

Then the killer returns. This part as actually interesting as the girls have to play a type of cat and mouse trying to flee from their attacker. Now this guy is fast, really fast like a football player. Hmm…just like her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s dad…

suspicious Hmm

The killer is wearing a mask so they can’t see who it is. As they are running, Dee of course falls as she barely has control over her body after being bound for so long. The killer gets her as Ellie continues to run to the car and eventually has to go before she too is killed.

Told you so!

Told you so!

Again she blames the curse but this is on you. Too bad you didn’t bring a friend with you. Or your phone.

So later Ellie is an artist and draws the car that she saw trying to drive her off the road. Nicholas comes over to cheer her up when he looks at the sketch and freaks out:

Nicholas: [Worried] It’s happening again.

I-got-this-reaction-gif

The dad is the killer, he just has to be the one!

Then we have Ellie who is completely convinced she is cursed and everything is her fault.

Blah, blah

Blah, blah

Again with that? Really. I mean a five year old would believe that but you are almost an adult and you think a “curse” is to blame?

.

Anyways we have this weird and crazy flashback. This happens periodically throughout the film but have no reason. They don’t add anything to the story and they are just dumb.

really? I can't stand this movie.

really? I can’t stand this movie.

Ellie then gets a creepy message about how she can’t save the other? Others who? cheerleaders? I mean, come on. If you are going to threaten someone be clear.

So Ellie starts talking to her mom about the curse and the mom is actually pretty bright and decides to send her to the grandma in Sacramento.

It is extremely rare in this film.

It is extremely rare in this film.

Ellie is mad and decides to go see Nicholas to tell him good-bye. Nicholas isn’t home so the dad lets her go up to his room to wait for him. Nicholas’ room is really weird. He has a bunch of pics of himself, nothing with friends or anyone, just him. Weird.

Gilmore girls creep

Nicholas finally comes home and says some vague creepy things.

Nicholas: What if things weren’t exactly how you think they are.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

The dad ends up killing his son and goes after Ellie taking her back up to the house. Luckily, the FBI were doing their job and has investigated the house, discovering it belongs to Nic’s dad. One of the FBI saves Ellie.

The film is over!!!

The film is over!!!

But Ellie still doesn’t think she is safe. She is still CURSED. UGH!!!!

stupidestThingeverheard

So yeah. This film was extremely bad.Do yourself a favor and just skip on by it.

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to That Face-I’ve Seen Her Before…: Let Me Call You Sweetheart (1997)

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For more cheerleader-horror films, go to I’m the Chosen One. And I Choose to be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

For more on curses, go to You Will Die in Seven Days: The Ring (2002)

For more serial killers, go to She’s Been Totally Different…Like Stepford: Ted, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

 For more sucky films, go to Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

Scream-4-Intl-3

You forgot the first rule of remakes, Jill. Don’t f*** with the original!

If only Wes had followed his own advice.

2013-11-27-bradpittUgh

I wish they hadn’t messed with the original. This movie sucked.

Bad Sequels psycho-1960-alfred-hitchcock-janet-leigh-pic-21

Just plain horrible. You see this all happened because everyone wanted to make another film after Scream 3. Wes told them he wouldn’t, unless the script was as good as the original film. Unfortunately, those dunderheads thought that meant they needed to do a horrible remake of the first amazing film.

hmm_yes_i_see_youre_a_moron_trollcat

For those of you just tuning in, this is the last of our Screamtastic Saturdays. Every Saturday this month I reviewed one of the Scream films. To read about them before you start this one, go to Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3

Now as you can tell I didn’t enjoy this one. As I watched this film I took a lot of notes on my feelings, A LOT. I’m just going to write them verbatim.

So let’s get started on this travesty…

I don't wanna

I don’t wanna

So the film starts out with two girls (Lucy Hale and Shenae Grimes) hanging out discussing horror films and stuff. One of them has a facebook stalker. It turns out to be ghostface who stabs and kills them both.

Ghostface attacks!

Ghostface attacks!

1&2

Victims 1&2

But wait…

Psych!Gameofthrones

It turns out that its not real. It is the opening scene from the film Stab 6 that two girls are watching. (Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell).

So that’s the first problem of this film. It was so dripped in big name actors that it was impossible to get into. I mean the original had famous actors too, but this was tooooo jam packed. It’s too much, far too much.

Darcy P&P OMG Can't Even

So Anna Paquin talks too much during the movie that Kristen Bell kills her.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

I know Kristen Bell? Whatever.

3

Body #3

Just kidding

Psych!GameofthronesSyke

Yep, it’s just another fakeout. It’s Stab 7  that Julie from Friday Night Lights, I mean Jenny (Aimee Teagarden) and her friend Marnie are watching. After that Jenny goes upstairs to get something, and instead prank calls her friend. The “real” Ghostface comes in and kills Marnie, with Jenny right behind her.

Victim 4 & 5

Victim 4 & 5

And here we have another garage scene that is improbable. I’m telling you, any automatic garage door will not be able to kill someone. They design the mechanisms so that if there is something underneath them, it will cause them to be incapable of being squished.

Duh!

Duh!

And the other problem with this scene is the fact that having two fakeouts was too many. After the two psych-outs, I was not attached to the characters as I was just expecting them to die. It wasn’t scary, mysterious, funny, or good. It was just bad. Bad, bad, bad. Plain ol’ lazy writing. Come on Wes, you’re better than this. This is reverting back not evolving.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

So this film, and the first scene, take place 10 years after “The Woodsboro Massacre” or the amazing phenomenon known as Scream. Deputy Dewey is now Sheriff and married to Gale Weathers. Gale has stopped reporting and turned to writing fiction. Sidney has written a book on her experiences and is on tour. In fact, she has just arrived in Woodsboro. And Randy is dead.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Still not over that.

We then see the horrible Emma Roberts getting picked up for school. I hate Emma Roberts. She has no talent whatsoever. She always seems as if she is acting, so I never believe that she is whatever “character” she is playing. She’s like a block of wood. I think she is secretly a robot as she never gives any emotion. None whatsoever. She’s proof that just because one family member has talent, doesn’t mean the rest do.

big mistake

I bet she is the killer. She’s all I hate Sidney.  Blah, blah blah…

boohoo_zps058c9fe1

Anyways, Jill (Emma Roberts) is being picked up by her friends Kirby (Hayden Panettiere) and Olivia (Marielle Jaffe). Now who are these girls trying to fool? There is no way these girls are in high school they look sooo OLD.

I mean Roberts could pass for 19 at the youngest, but Panettiere and Jaffe? They are clearly are late 20s heading for their thirties. I’m looking it up now…let’s see…Roberts was 20 at the time, Panettiere was 22, and Jaffee was also 22. Okay so they weren’t as old as I thought they were, although they look it. I mean it’s laughable how they think they could pass off people so old as high school students.

Jill and Olivia receive texts from Jenny and Marnie, even though they aren’t close friends or anything…and the two girls are dead (although no one has discovers it yet. Speaking of which where were the parents during all of this? Why weren’t they with their kid? How come it took someone so long to discover the body? Come on now!)

Wes also has a love affair in this film with fake jumps. It’s like every five seconds. Seriously, just stop.

Stop stop it now!

At the station Sheriff Dewey gets called on the scene and I notice something here Wes. Yes…yes…it appears that Dewey no longer suffers from a limp. I see, I see. Dewey  gets to be limp free WHILE RANDY IS DEAD??!!

800__shadow_of_a_doubt_blu-ray_04_intense stare angry upset mad creep

Never letting that one go. Moving on.

So Sheriff Dewey is called on the scene and he knows, he just knows

RIP Randy! Love you forever!!!!!!!

RIP Randy! Love you forever!!!!!!!

So as Sheriff Dewey is looking around, one of his deputies calls him Sheriff Riley. And I was like Whaaaaaaat????? Dewey has a last name?

phil first name agent Avengers phil coulson tony stark pepper potts

Sorry. Back to the film.

So then we zoom to the high school were we have Hollywood’s version of high school students. You know horribly unrealistic and clichéd to the farthest ranges of the imagination. Because in Hollywood:

thats-how-its-done

Yep, enter super nerd who has a computer hooked up to his headphones so he can blog every moment of his life.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Really Wes? Have you been to a school and seen real nerds? They don’t dress like that or do that? I mean when Ned’s Declassified did the Nerd has camera/computer hooked up to their glasses they did it to spoof. They weren’t trying to portray the nerd/online/blogger culture. You fail. Big time.

Duh!

Duh!

So then we enter douche boy, Jill’s ex-boyfriend. I mean this is some serious deja vu as he ex is a total creep. I guess douche dating runs in the family.

Girl Please

So during homeroom, everyone’s cellphones buzz with the news. I’m just like, why wasn’t the school notified? When I was in high school we had two deaths. One was a car crash, the other an overdose and the teachers were all immediatey notified before the friends even found out. Same thing in college when a guy committed suicide, and another guy jumped off his balconey as he was high and had a bad trip. Although in college they sent emails and texts to the students, while in high school they told us.

At the bookstore, Sidney is reading an excerpt from her book when Sheriff Dewey comes marching in. He interrupts the signing as they are tracking the phone that placed the calls. They discover it in the back of Sidney’s rental, along with bloody handprints.

dun-dun-duuuun

Back at the station, Sheriff Dewey s dealing with a lot. Gale comes down as her old investigative spirit is still alive. She encounters a huge prob though. Dewey’s deputy, Deputy Judy, has a mondo crush on Dewey. But Gale, she’s not having any of that.

that girl is going after my man she is going to wish she was never born

I love that Gale is still kickin’ butt.

verbalbeatdown

So Sheriff Dewey decides to put Sidney on 24-hour police protection, and all I can think is do you remember what happend last time? Yeah, it did not end well.

ouch Hermione

You know what almost everyone in this film has drunk the kool-aid. I know that Wes wanted to provide a wide range of “suspects” (totally obvious Jill and Culkin brother/crazy film nerd guy). But he makes everyone seem CRAZY!!! Jill’s ex, the deputy, and that’s not all. Let’s add Sidney’s publicist who delights in the murders because it will sell more books. She actually hopes more will occur. And then we have Sidney’s aunt Kate. “Nobody cares about the fact that it was MY sister that was killed or what I’VE been going through.

Gilmore girls creep

So at this point in the film I’m starting to wonder what happened to Patrick Dempsey? AKA Detective Mark Kincaid. I guess he was too busy being a doctor or maid of honor. Let’s see…Yes to doctor, no to maid of honor. He was trying to protect a bank teller and working with Decepticons. I wish they had given us a clue as why they didn’t stay together. I liked Mark.

Later that evening, Sidney goes to talk to Jill and you know what..how come we have never heard of this aunt and niece before? I mean they have lived in the town their whole life and not once was concerned with Sidney? Like why didn’t she stay with her aunt when he dad was out of town? This Wes, is why you do not try and remake a good thing. Just leave well enough alone.

So Sidney goes in to talk to Jill and sees her creep ex climbing in her window trying to talk to her. He’s extra creepy and weird calling himself “the ninja”. Who nicknames themselves? He is also a total control freak and won’t listen to “no”. What a jerk.

jerk

That night Kirby comes over and she and Jill are watching scary movies. Kirby gets a call from Ghostface that he’s hiding in the closet. She decides to be stupid and looks around, finding no one. Like this guy KILLED people. Maybe you should CALL THE POLICE!!!!

Scream 2

The voice says that he never stated which closet he was in.

Now the house next door is Olivia’s who is home alone (of course). The police offered to walk her to her home but she refused and like the stupid caricatures they are, they agreed. I just realized that policeman in the Scream  films are pretty stupid. Dewey and Mark being the exception. I mean SHE RECIEVED A DEATH THREAT FROM GHOSTFACE EARLIER!!!! WHY IS NO ONE PROTECTING HER!!! So of course, Ghostface is in her closet and kills her.

Victim 6

Victim 6

And her friends just watch.

Tom-Hanks-Saying-Really

Seriously, they DO NOTHING BUT WATCH THEIR FRIEND GET SLICED APART. Scream! Call the police!!! Do something!!!!

Sid hears it and rushes over to help. Now Sid I love you, but couldn’t you have brought a weapon with you? How do you expect to save the girl if you have nothing. I mean come on, grab a bat, frying pan, knife, SOMETHING!!!

Sid does manage to take him down as she rules! But when the cops come he’s disappeared? Who is he Michael Myers? How does he move so fast? I mean they did the same thing in Scream 2.

Why weren’t the cops able to find him? WHY DOES EVERYONE SUCK??? THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!!! CRAVEN YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME AGAIN! IT’S LIKE NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET ALL FREAKIN’ OVER AGAIN!!!

800__shadow_of_a_doubt_blu-ray_04_intense stare angry upset mad creep

Not happy, not happy at all

Gale seduces the two nerds to get them to help her. At first I thought it was funny, but the more I think about it, it’s creepy. I know on Cougar Town you are always with younger men, but this is a 47 year old woman hitting on 17 year olds.

ew! Gross Yuck

PR girl is the devil. I am sorry but the way she gushes about the killings, she needs help.

you're evil

So after she leaves from visiting Sidney in the hospital (minor cut) she runs into Ghostface and is killed.

Victim #7

Victim #7

Now to be honest its her own fault as she really shouldn’t be walking around at night by herself with a killer on the loose. And what’s really stupid was that she was by her car. Just get in and drive away, run him over. Instead she tries to run. DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB. I mean come on, you were sitting inside the car! Why would you ever take off?

Girl Please

You know what I just realized. so far the killer has only murdered women. What’s up with that? In the other films it was always equal. How come you’re just killing women Wes? Huh? Why? You know what else? In every film we have couples who are murdered first. Scream– Steve and Casey, Scream 2– Boyfriend and Jada Pinket-Smith, & Scream 3– Cotton’s girlfriend and Cotton. But in this one its only been girls. There’s a formula!

But now, we only have females murdered. What happened Wes, did you have a woman break your heart so now you are releasing your anger on females?

And you know what’s really depressing about this film is that it lost everything. It isn’t a horror parody and a horror film at the same time; It’s just sad and boring. You can tell from the beginning who the killers are (Jill & Charlie [Culkin brother super nerd]). It’s just a recycled plot. A poorly recycled one too.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

I mean each previous Scream brought something new and fresh.

Scream

  1. Parody of the Horror film Genre while still being a great horror film
  2. Twist ending with two killers, and one being the boyfriend.
  3. Obsession with horror films and trying to create their own
  4. Revenge because his mother left.

Scream 2

  1. Parody of sequel films and horror sequels
  2. Debates issue if whether horror films turn people into killers
  3. Twist ending where you think it is the boyfriend murdering, but really ex’s mom
  4. Female serial killer

Scream 3

  1. Parody of trilogy films
  2. Twist ending with mother’s secret early life + half brother
  3. Single killer this time
  4. All the survivors end in a couple-Dewey & Gale, Mark & Sid

Scre4m

  1. Recycled plot
  2. Pop culture of the day inserted but it feels more like an old man trying to be “hip” and failing than avant-garde.
  3. They waited far too long to make this film. It should have come sooner.

So the next day Gale gets Sidney to come speak at the film club at the high school. In return for this, the two geek boys Charlie (the Culkin brother) and his friend blogger- headphones, Robbie, will help her out. Gale thinks the new Ghostface is copying the murders, but the nerd twins point out that it is a remake “as only remakes are being made these days.” Tru dat. In 2011 alone there was Silent House, Gnomeo & Juliet, The Green Hornet, The Roommate, The Mechanic, Just Go With It, Unknown, Jane Eyre, Winnie the Pooh, Arthur, X-Men: First Class, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Fright Night, Conan the Barbarian, Real Steel, Straw Dogs, The Thing, Footloose, The Muppets, and The Sitter.

The kids tell Gale & Sidney that if the killer wants to make it intense and new he is going to record the murders. That’s not new, it’s been happening for quite so time now. Just another ripoff.

They decide the next place he will strike is the annual Stab-a-thon. Now you have a killer running about and you refuse to stop your party? Definteky Charlie. He’s the killer. I mean come on, any smart person would be like nope, let’s stop this so people don’t die.

jerk_alert32

So a bunch of the kids dress up in Ghostface masks which is incredibly stupid. I mean you have a KILLER IN THE GHOSTFACE MASK? Why is everyone so STUPID.

Ugh

Ugh

Gale goes there just like in the first film and hooks up some “secret cameras”. The cameras get covered up and Gale calls Dewey before she goes into take care of them. Now the smart thing would be to just wait as it is obvious that Ghostface is the one doing it, but whatever! I mean like even if you feel like you HAVE  to go, why not be extra cautious and take a weapon! I mean, come on now people. She goes and is stabbed by the killer, however, she’s Gale so she just has to go to hospital. That’s cause Gale is awesome.

I just want this film to be over. It is that painful.

So I am liking nobody in this film. Like every character is crazy or stupid. The only exceptions are Gale, Sid, Dewey, and Aimee Teagarden’s character as she tried to run away. Even though I think Emma Roberts is the killer I want her to get stabbed so I won’t have to see her face again this film and hear her horrible acting voice.

Duh!

Duh!

So back at the house Sidney sees something outside. She goes to take a look at it instead of CALLING THE POLICE! Come on Sid, you’re better than that.

Stop stop it now!

So the cops outside Kate/Jill/Sid’s residence are all comedic and talking about movie cops. They say that cops are what you never want to be as they are always “getting it” in films. Uh, not true! What about Dirty Harry? Ain’t nobody taking down Clint Eastwood. Or what about Patrick Dempsey in Scream 3, I mean Wes you freakin’ made that film. Witness? Harrison Ford always dominates! Sidney Poitier In the Heat of the Night or They Call Me, Mr. Tibbs! Mark Wahlberg in The Departed? Die Hard?

Besides why would the black cop be worried that since he is a cop he’s going to killed? He’s got bigger worries, he’s a minority. He’s going to get killed for that. The only horror films I’ve ever seen where the minority doesn’t get killed first and makes it to the end would be Night of the Living Dead and Aliens vs. Predator.

They both get killed.

Victim #8 & 9

Victim #8 & 9

I was actually happy about that as they were annoying.

So someone in this film finally wises up, as Sid grabs a knife to protect her. Ghostface comes and attacks. Yawn! Knew it was going to happen. There is NOTHING original in this film, NOTHING!!!! Wes you have failed, fAILED FAILED FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!

So Kate also gets killed, she was stabbed through a door.

Victim #10

Victim #10

Yawn! Wes you already did that in Scream 2.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Is it over yet? Is the film done yet? Boo. There’s still 30 mins left! UGH, UGH, BLEH! I would stop watching like a did with An American Werewolf in London, but I promised full reviews of every Scream film and I can’t go back on that.

So Sidney escapes. She starts to head next door to protect Jill.

Next door we have Jill, Kirby, Robbie, & Charlie watching horror films.

So why don’t any of these kids feel remorse for the murdered people? I mean in Scream the main characters weren’t close to Steve and Casey (except Stu) so I could see where it didn’t make the biggest impact. But Sid started feeling when it was Tatum, Dewey, Gale, etc. In Scream 2, the girl in the film class was sad about her friend that was murdered in the movie theater and everyone is heartbroken over Randy.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Then in Scream 3 Cotton’s death, and while the characters didn’t know the movie stars, they were still sad to see them killed. I mean Olivia was their friend as she was MURDERED!!! And you know how they react? Jill in her monotone voice is fine and doesn’t say anything. Kirby goes to the Stab-a-thon in sa freakin’ ghostface mask. A GHOSTFACE MASK! I mean your friend was MURDERED, MUREDERED! And you are wearing the thing that killer wore to murder to your friend. Something is wrong with you all.

Darcy P&P OMG Can't Even

 And you know what, that is the problem with this film. In the other versions you believed the actors were the characters. You believed them. In this film every character except for the 3 survivors are so fake. They have any real emotions. They don’t have any real reactions. They are like robots or something.

metropolis-Robot

Why is everyone dumb in this movie? This movie is horrible and stupid! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb! OMG! it’s LIKE HE WANTS TO MAKE A SUCKY VERSION OF AN AMAZING FILM! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? WHY? WHY? WHO GAVE HIM THE MONEY. You all should be held accountable for this!!!!

Is this too crazy?

Is this too crazy?

This is film is a HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT! BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

big mistake

So the group is hanging out. Trevor comes over as he says Jill invited him. She tells them that is impossible as her phone has been missing. Jill goes upstairs and Trevor follows her. While he is gone, Robbie gets drunk and heads outside for another blog post. When he does this we have the only real scare in the film. He runs into a plant. That’s it folks, so far the plant has been the most scariest and original thing in this travesty. And that’s not even that original.

Back inside, Kirby is trying to seduce Charlie in the most horrible and painful way. It hurt to watch this scene. It was awkward, it was stupid, and it would never happen that way in real life.

ouch Hermione

You know what I’m wondering now? Where are the parents? Come on now, is Jill the only one in town with a parent? They are completely absent! At least in Scream they explaned it. Casey’s parents were out having dinner. Mr. Prescott was going out of town. Mrs. Riley (Dewey & Tatum’s mom) is a single parent. Stu’s parents don’t care and are out of town all the time. Mr. Loomis works late hours and has recently become a single parent. I get that, although they should have done a better job. Scream 2, in college parents aren’t there., although I’m really surprised not one of them came down to check on their kids. Scream 3 all are adults. But these kids have no parents anywhere, nor do they give an explanation except for Olivia She mentions that her mom works late. Its like this whole film is in an alternate dimension where reality plays no part at all. I mean I know its a movie, but explain! Movie EXPLAIN!!!

So this film is far too predictable. You know Robbie who is hanging outside is going to be killed first, then Kirby, then Trevor, and then Charlie. It is soooo obvious.

This is horrible. Why am I watching this? Why?

So Robbie of course is killed, and too his shock as he thinks being gay will save him. I thought that was a weird thing to say. I mean, I can’t think of horror films where a gay person always survive. I mean technically he’s in the minority category and we all know that minorities hardly ever make it to the end of a horror film.

Victim #11

Victim #11

Before Kirby and Charlie could get it on, Trevor comes downstairs. He couldn’t find Jill upstairs. He and  Charlie head to the kitchen, leaving Kirby alone in the living room. Jill comes from downstairs, now how the heck was she there? (I mean obvs to me she’s the killer, but why doesn’t anyone else think that weird?) Sidney runs into the house to warn everyone. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF YOU HAD CALLED THE POLICE FOR BACKUP. Kirby goes down to the basement, while Jill and Sidney go upstairs. Jill hides under the bed.

I don't think so

That is the worse place to hide. Beds and  closets are always checked first.

Sidney comes down to the basement with Kirby and they see Charlie. He wants them to let him in, but Kirby is unsure whether or not she can trust him. Ghostface grabs him and ties him to a chair. Ghostface then calls Kirby.

scary movie mansfield park Scream

The two are going to play a game. Kirby wins, Charlie is free.

The Voice: I hear you like horror movies, Kirby. But do you like them as much as him? Forget watching Stab, instead you get to live it.

Kirby Reed: No. No, no, no, no. He’s the expert. It’s not me.

The Voice: Warm up question: Jason’s weapon?

Kirby Reed: Uh,it’s a machete.

The Voice: There. You see? You do know the genre. Michael Myers?

Kirby Reed: Uh, butcher knife.

The Voice: Leatherface?

Kirby Reed: [crying] Chainsaw! Please!

The Voice: Just ask Sidney if you need some help. Freddy Krueger?

Kirby Reed: Razor-hands.

The Voice: Name the movie that started the slasher craze: Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left or Psycho?

Kirby Reed: Psycho.

The Voice: None of the above! Peeping Tom, 1960, directed by Michael Powell. First movie to ever put the audience in the killer’s POV.

Kirby Reed: Wait. No, no, no. Please, just ask me one more question. Just one more.

The Voice: Alright, Kirby, then it’s time for your last chance. Name the remake of the groundbreaking horror movie in which the vill…

Kirby Reed: Halloween, uh, Texas Chainsaw, Dawn of the Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, Amityville Horror, uh, Last House on the Left, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare On Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, When A Stranger Calls, Prom Night, Black Christmas, House of Wax, The Fog, Piranha. It’s one of those, right? Right?

[silence]

Kirby Reed: I got it right. I was fucking right. [goes outside; unties Charlie] Don’t worry, Charlie. I f****** won. I won. He tried to beat me but I f****** won.

Charlie Walker:[holding knife] Kirby? This is is making a move! [stabs her] Four years of class together and you notice me now? You stupid b****! It’s too late! Shhh, I know. It doesn’t happen as fast as it does in the movies, I know.

[finishes stabbing her and drops her; runs away]

Yep Kirby is dead.

Victim #12

Victim #12

And Charlie was the killer. Totally obvious.

Duh!

Duh!

So deputy Judy comes into play as she discovers Kate’s body and the dead cops. She heads over to Kirby’s house to check on everyone. I still want to punch her crazy-obsessed with Dewey face.

dean_punching_supernatural

Does that make me a bad person?

So Sidney is being chased by Charlie and manages to escape him heading for the door. But Sid, don’t forget, except for Scream 3 there are always two killers. And as she heads for the door…boom Jill stabs her.

Now if Wes wanted to make this really unique. He should have down a group of female killers. It is rare, but does happen. Olivia, Kirby, and Jill. Or deputy Judy. She could be doing all these murders just so she could kill Gale and get Sheriff Dewey. Or he could have not tried making a remake. That would have been fantastic!.

So the two totally obvious killers start revealing the reasoning behind it. Jill was always jealous of her cousin’s fame. And as Emma Roberts…I mean Jill has no talent, she figures this is the quickest way to make her famous.

Jill Roberts: My friends? What world are you living in? I don’t need friends. I need fans. Don’t you get it? This has never been about killing you? It’s about becoming you. I mean, for f***’s sake, my own mother had to die, no great loss there, so I could stay true to the original. That’s sick, right? Well, sick is the new sane. You had your 15 minutes, now I want mine! I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go to college? Grad school? Work? Look around. We all live in public now, we’re all on the Internet. How do you think people become famous any more? You don’t have to achieve anything. You just gotta have f***** up-s*** happen to you. So you have to die, Sid. Those are the rules. New movie, new franchise. There’s only room for one lead, and let’s face it, your ingenue days, they’re over.

Charlie was her new boyfriend that was helping her do this. They plan to have Trevor take the fall for it, stabbing themselves, but shooting him to make it look like “self-defense”. Charlie is happy that the “geek will get the girl”, but Jill tells him sorry and kills him.

Victim #13

Victim #13

You know what I just realized. They never clean the knife. Ever. With all those kids having sex and the amount of diseases that abound, now all I can think is how they’ve been spreading so much to people. They’ve all probably got Chlamydia or something.

Also WHERE ARE THE POLICE!!!??? I mean deputy Judy was right next door!!!

So then Jill kills Trevor and Sidney.

Victim #14 &15

Victim #14 &15

After that she starts taking care of the evidence. Planting the knife/gun. Beating /mutilating herself. Even ripping hair out and putting it in Trevor’s hand.

When the police finally come, they discover her and name her the sole survivor. They cart her off to the hospital. In the hospital Dewey visit Jill, who is all smiles. I have to say nobody is freaked out by the fact she doesn’t care that her best friends, mother, and cousin have all been brutally murdered???!!! Someone ship her off to the psycho ward. That girl is crazy!

Certified Creepo Ribbon

Jill tells Dewey that maybe she and Gale can write about the murders as they have matching wounds. Dewey tells her that Sidney might be able to also help, as she is going to recover.

Say What

Yep, looks like we have Dial “M” for Murder all over again.

“Margot Mary Wendice: Do you really believe in the perfect murder?

Mark Halliday: Mmm, yes, absolutely. On paper, that is. And I think I could, uh, plan one better than most people; but I doubt if I could carry it out.

Tony Wendice: Oh? Why not?

Mark Halliday: Well, because in stories things usually turn out the way the author wants them to; and in real life they don’t… always.”

You can’t plan everything sweetheart.

So Jill gets out of her bed and charges down to ICU to get to Sidney.

I don't think so

That is impossible. There is no way she would be able to get across the hospital as they are jam packed with people. Especially ICU. Most ICU units actually are protected by some kind of card swipe or button so that only certain people can go in. There’s no way she’d be able to get to Sidney.

Girl Please

Dewey goes to see Gale, and as he mentions Jill’s comments they both realize that the information about her stabs were not released to the public. There is no way she could have known where Gale was stabbed, unless she had done it herself.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow

Dewey runs down to get to Sidney, and sees Jill trying to kill her. Sidney is doing a great job as she is Awesome!  Sid you rule! Jill does have an upper hand as she tries to hurt Sidney in her stab wounds. Dewey is trying to help, but gets knocked out by a bedpan. Gale and Deputy Judy also come in, but Jill stole Dewey’s gun and threatens killing Dewey to get Deputy Judy’s gun. After the gun is passed, she shoots Deputy Judy in the chest.

Victim #13

Victim #15

Jill is threatening all and planning on killing them but this is very stupid. She already framed Trevor and gave a statement. How is she going to explain the other dead bodies? Who can she pin the murder of Sidney, Gale, Deputy Judy, and Sheriff Dewey on. Not going to work.

Jill plans in killing Gale next, as Sidney’s wounds have reopened and she seems to be the lesser threat. She is about to when Sidney shocks her with the defibrillator.

Jill tries one last time, but Sid shoots her.

Gale-Randy-Billy-and-Sidney-scream-23148646-499-198

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Sid is awesome!! Best scene in the whole film. Yeah don’t mess with the original baby!!!! Yeah!!! But its not over. What about deputy Judy

Psych!GameofthronesSyke

She’s alive! She was wearing a bulletproof vest. In the end the body count ends at 15.

Victim #13

Victim #15

And Wes I only have one thing to say to you

Over You

So this ends our Screamtastic Saturdays kind of on a bad note, but don’t blame me. I didn’t make this film. Wes did.

2011Scre4m

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To start Horrorfest III from the beginning, go to Even a Man Pure of Heart

For the previous post, go to You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

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For more on the Scream series, go to All I Know About Trilogies is That in the Third One, All Bets are Off

For more modern remakes, go to Keep Clear of the Moor. Beware the Moon

For more serial killers, go to But the Book, It Will Never Close…

For more slasher films, go to It’s Happening Again, Isn’t It?

For more on Wes Craven, go to What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie?

Whatever You Do Don’t Fall Asleep: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

 Whatever you do don’t fall asleep

Like a mentioned in the Friday the 13th post, I had wanted to watch the Big 3; Halloween, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street. Three classic horror films that changed the whole genre, generating countless sequels. While Friday the 13th and Halloween were actually good, Nightmare on Elm Street sucked. It was so, so, so, so bad. I was so disappointed in Wes Craven the Scream King, I thought it had so much potential to be better.

Shame on you Wes Craven

The beginning was awful as they tried to mimic Psycho, having the first character we are introduced to die off, but it was just done poorly. We never really had a sense of her character, so we never connected to Tina like we did to Janet Leigh’s character Marion.

The main lead character Nancy was just annoying. To be honest, I didn’t care whether she lived or not. I just wanted her off the screen.

I’m a Dermo

Freddy Kreuger was gross looking but not that scary.

But he does look and act like a child pedophile. It fits him perfectly. It’s really funny, but Freddy’s name was inspired by a bully who used to pick on Wes Craven all the time. I guess Wes got the final punch in that as he is now associated with a psycho-killer and pedophile.

The only really thing that is really good about this film is Johnny Depp.

Much better hair here than in The Secret Window.

This was the first acting job he had and the only reason he got it was because the producer’s daughter thought he was hot. Thank you for that, as this movie would have completely sucked without him.

When you watch the trailer it actually looks like it will be creepy, plus they have the freaky song.

The only creepy part is when Freddy comes through the phone and french kisses her. It was so gross, my friends and I all started screaming at the top of our lungs!

I’m your boyfriend now Nancy!

The end was really dumb too. Wes Craven’s original ending sounded so creepy and freaky; but he changed it for the dumbest thing ever.

I heard the newest film was pretty creepy and in that one Freddy isn’t a pedophile they kill, but he is an innocent man and that is why he is back to get revenge. I might check that one and see if it truly is better.

That’s our post for today! More to come! 2 Days ‘Till Halloween!

Here’s a cover page/poster for my facebook page as part of my countdown to Halloween

17_a-nightmare-on-elm-street-1984

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To start Horrorfest from the beginning, go to I Don’t Belong in the World

For the previous post, go to When Horror Doesn’t Stay on the Screen

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For more on Freddy Krueger, go to Krueger Town

For more on psychopaths, go to I Can Be Your Best Friend Ot Your Worst Enemy

For more on Johnny Depp, go to The Only Thing That Matters is the Ending

For more films that spanned sequels, go to They’re Coming to Get You Barbara

For more films that suck, go to A Squashed Mess

A Squashed Mess: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)

Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato

This was one of the stupidest films I have ever seen! I rented it because I thought that it had the potential to be creepy, but it just turned out to be a major dud. Don’t waste your time watching it. The acting was horrible, the storyline completely idiotic, and  nothing made any sense at all. It has to be one of the worst films of all time.

I mean this film could have been great, but the writers really dropped the ball on this one.

Sorry to throw this rotten mess toward you. More posts coming your way.

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To start Horrorfest from the beginning, go to I Don’t Belong in the World

To go to the previous post, go to A Monster Race

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To read me make fun of more horrible films, go to Sucky Sequels