Drive Me Crazy: Austentatious (2015)

OH NO!

It’s Back!!!

The dreaded TV show I can’t stand:

Ugh-Austentatious (2015)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Yes, I really, really do not like this show or how they portray the characters. But I started it, so I’ve got to finish it.

So Austentatious is the story of Elinor, Marianne, Emma, Elizabeth, and Mr. Knightley being friends in modern times. In the last episode Marianne was trying to find a job, but kind of sucked, although she did manage to be a smoothie barista.

Elizabeth went on a date with a guy and was crazily obsessing over it:

Going mad!

And they held a Girl’s Night/Mouse Killing Night:

I know…I have no clue what the writer’s were thinking.

I just…This is dumb! This is a dumb show!! Who wrote this? Who??? What were they thinking???!! Argh! Why did I ever watch this??!! NOw I have to finish!!!

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!

This episode is called Drive Me Crazy and Amazon says the air date is DECEMBER 30TH 1899. 1899? Did we just time travel?

Time to go back…

This show does drive me crazy, like Norman Bates crazy.

We all go a little mad sometimes.

Is that too mean? I’m not trying to be a jerk but I hate this show. I can’t believe the episodes are only 22 mins, they feel so much longer. It feels like hours of my life is being sucked away in watching this.

Ugh! Really!

Anyways here we go-ready or not.

Pass on it!

We start off with a tired Marianne making a mess in the kitchen-food is everywhere but Elinor doesn’t care.

Crazy control freak Monk level of obsession Elinor does’t care about the messy hours-OMG she’s been abducted by aliens, joined a cult, is a zombie!!!! It has to be one of those things…or love. She could be in love as that is the extremely cliche way most TV will depict “love”.

Thats not right!

Yep, Edward is meeting with her-her dream man.

With her books

Collin approaches Elinor trying to reach Lizzie as he wants to date her. Elinor tries to dissuade him, but no dice. He’s after his prey.

In the lobby of their apartment I can’t help but see a GIANT sign that says no lifeguard on duty. Like what? Even if the apartment has a pool there is no way they would have that posted in the foyer unless there is a pool in the foyer. Like that is one of the weirdest randomest things in this show.

What the heck?

Lizzie goes to see Emma and is trying to avoid Darcy as he keeps calling and texting and emailing her about houses. Darcy is a total jerk in this, telling her what to do. Ugh I hate him.

I know what I said=BELIEVE ME you would understand if you watched this show. They make him utterly terrible!!!! I hate this!!!!!!

Elinor and Edward are traveling to the country to visit with an old lady who hasn’t filed her taxes for the last few years. Like the background is weird as it ranges from lush green to dry desert. Where are they? Behind them is green, but the sides are all arid and dry. I kinda tuned out what Elinor and Edward were saying as I couldn’t stop looking at the background. I don’t know. Does it really matter?

Darcy stalks Elizabeth down the street and calls her name. He’s a jerk and buys her a hotdog when she tries to explain that she is in the middle of closing a house. UGH!!!!!

Elinor and Edward are driving for a long time and talking. Elinor tells Edward how she decided on accounting because it was a safe choice- but then they get a flat and have to pull over.

They are in lush fields and trees, where are they? What happened to the dry and arid area?

This is ELINOR!! Don’t tell me the way they have been building Elinor’s character yeah right-she’d have five spare tires!

Darcy stops being quite so jerky and admits that the house he’s looking for is a gift for a certain woman who plays piano-not mom or girlfriend. Obviously Georgiana.

Flashback to Elinor and Edward-they have to walk to the city they passed-so where were they and where were they going if they were passing through another city?

Hmmm…

Elinor goes on and on about how nice Edward is-He shares a little about his company and that his family has a company in telecommunications, interesting choice.

Hmm…

Darcy and Elizabeth make some headway but are interrupted by Collin who sits right between them on the bench to try and ask Lizzie out. How did he find her? She’s not at home? Or at work? She’s in a random park! Creepy!!

Colin creepily hits on her and tries to feel her up, but Darcy interjects and walks off with Elizabeth. It stops Collin…for now.

Flash to E& E walking and talking and being boring. Bleh-IRS, Accountant, IRS, accountant, IRS, accountant, statistics, bills, blah blah blah blah blah.

Blah, blah

I need to mop my floors. Like that is legit more interesting to me than this.

Elizabeth meets with Emma at the smoothie shop and tells her about what happened. Darcy gets a kick out of Collin asking her out and can’t stop teasing her. Darcy drops that the house is a birthday gift for a girl next month so the house needs to be picked like NOW!

Darcy offers to pay the commission earlier, but Elizabeth gets offended and angry. She becomes extremely upset and shares her feelings with Emma. I don’t think what Darcy did was that bad, I think she’s overreacting.

I’m done

What’s Marianne been up to-she’s been out of the game this whole episode except the cereal eating.

Hmmm

Elizabeth keeps talking about Darcy and how he’s being rude or is he being nice? Meh!

Marianne enters and goes on break with Elinor coming in to share what happened and how great it was with Edward although their conversations are super boring.

Elinor does offer to make him her homemade lasagna. She then shares part of her power bar that she keeps in her purse! She-Miss Always Prepared has a power bar in her bag-she’d have more stuff in her car to fix the tire.

Edward notices that she has a blister and puts a band-aid on her foot. Cute, but all I can think is her feet probably smell.

Someone is running in the park? Oh it is Darcy and Collin just happened to find him?! What? HOw? Weird.

Collin is super super creepy-like psychopath horror film creepy. Watch out Lizzie-“we are meant to be together”-he wants to be like creepy Ted in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and enslave you in his home or something.

Yay! That’s the end of the episode. Although that was a super creepy ending.

He’s watching her…

How many more will I have to watch until it is over???? Let me check…

Yay!!!! Only four more left!! Woohoo!!! I’ve been doing an episode a month but skipped September, October, and now we are in November-so if I catch up with those and the do one for December I should hopefully finish before the new year!!!

But then if I do that, what Austen TV show should I review every month? Hmm….? I guess I’ll have to think about it. All I an say is YAY!!!!! Almost done!!! Woohooo!!!

For more Austentatious, go to Call Me, Maybe: Austentatious (2015)

For more Jane Austen film retellings, go to Mrs. Darcy Wants to Know the Truth!: Death Comes to Pemberley, Episode Three (2013)

For more Sense & Sensibility, go to Rational Creatures: Elinor & Marianne Dashwood

For more Pride & Prejudice, go to Rational Creatures: Elizabeth Bennet & Charlotte Lucas

For more Emma, go to Rational Creatures: Emma Woodhouse, Miss Bates, & Harriet Smith

How Much Do You Really Know About Him?: The Stepfather (2009)

How Much Do You Really Know About Him?

In 2009, I was 17 years old. A senior applying to colleges, trying to figure out what to do next with my life-planning prom and other senior activities.

I remember when this film came out, it was a big deal at the time as Penn Badgley was super popular from Gossip Girl (it being in its third season) and this was to be his big film role (prior to this he was in John Tucker Must Die! as the little brother). I wasn’t super interested in it at the time- I was more angry about the Fame remake (which sucked as much as I had thought it would), that Where the Wild Things looked depressing instead of the fun book I remembered it being (it was both boring and depressing), and thought Dare, New Moon, and Avatar all sounded dumb. The only thing I was looking forward to was Robert Downey Jr. and Judd Law in Sherlock Holmes.

In fact I never probably would have even remembered anything about this movie, except my mom was so against it. But I was 17, I could watch whatever I wanted. I remember saying some smartmouth reply and getting in trouble for it.

I never did go see it in theaters as I didn’t really care about it.

Flashforward to the beginning of this year and I’m housesitting/catsitting for a friend who has cable-and not just cable, Lifetime!

I LOVE Lifetime and can’t help but watch the Lifetime movie channel. That day it was playing The Stepfather, so I decided what the hey? Why not check it out?

NO! NO! This was not good at all. I should have listened to my mom and passed this one by!

Yes, always listen to your mother!

So typically I do not review a movie without reviewing the original, but I didn’t get a chance to fit it in, so the review of the remake must go on.

So the film starts off with “the Stepfather” (Dylan Walsh) having killed his family and their dead bodies not even phasing him as he leaves and moves on to the next town to find his “new family”.

In the supermarket he meets Susan Harding (Sela Ward), with her two kids-Sean and Beth. He charms them quickly and he, now going by David Harris, and Susan begin a relationship.

If I’ve learned anything from movies and TV is the supermarket is nor the place for women to meet men. I mean the mom gets set up with a Vampire in Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire, Susan gets with a serial killer, and Fran with a liar-guy is a hot dog vendor pretending t be a stock broker in The Nanny. Just cross that place off the list.

Don’t go there to look for men!

So David and Susan become engaged-which is something that really bothers me. I mean it is called The Stepfather, but David is NOT the stepfather. He and Susan live together, but they don’t marry. So why call it that? Because it is better than The Man My Mom Lived With or My Mom’s Evil Fiance or My Mom’s Serial Killer Boyfriend or Don’t Let Mom Marry the Serial Killer? Actually that last one sounds pretty good. It could be super serious teen drama or ’90s kids comedy-someone write a script, make a ton of money and give me 10% for the title.

Finally! This is almost over!

So anyways, it is the summer and Michael Harding (Penn Badgley) has just returned from military school. He was acting up after his parents’ divorced and was sent away. Depending on his behavior he can stay or will be shipped back.

Choose wisely.

He meets David and feels weird about the whole thing-everything has seemed to move toooo fast and he’s worried his mom might end up with another bad relationship-another guy like his dad.

Now here is where the film first failed with me. This film could have been a lot better if they went in a different direction then what they chose. Now I have never seen the original film this is based on, but think how much more horrifying if David seemed so nice, developed a great relationship with the kids, maybe even Michael opening up and sharing what happened with his dad-what he saw between his parents that made him not be able to stand his father and react so destructively. Then to have him realize David is not who he seems-I think much more interesting.

Like this amazing film!

But instead David tries to bond with him but it is all so fake and creepy-Michael doesn’t tust him, second guesses him, and the suspense/mystery/horror is missing. We know David is a psycho and Michael knows it too-there is no buildup.

I mean Buffy the Vampire Slayer did this much better on their Ted episode. Buffy wanted to like her mother’s boyfriend, she tried to like him-but then felt something off-and she felt bad about being so down on her mom-convincing herself it was her problem not anything wrong with Ted. But then Ted starts being extremely controlling, he threatens her. He continues to treat her cruelly but others nicely, causing no one to believe her or make her think she is imagining it. It is emotional and mental abuse-and makes you wonder what will happen next.

That would have been a better path to take, but they didn’t do that.

Ugh!

Michael isn’t the only one who is unsure about David as Susan’s sister, Jackie, points out that there is a ton about David she knows zero about, although Jackie’s wife/girlfriend (it doesn’t state their exact relationship) thinks Jackie is being overprotective-as David’s hot. So what if they don’t know his family, religion, history, friends where he grew up, etc, and he’s not working-David’s hot.

Yeah, Susan really? I mean you are a single mom, don’t you want someone more stable for your kids? Don’t you think you want someone with a real job?

And David’s plan doesn’t make sense! He creates fake identities but has nothing to back him up? I mean he just plans to move from town to town with no social security number or anything and expect to work and live there? I mean they could have had him buy dead people’s identities and then have Michael do some research and stumble on to it! And then he presents it to his mom and she’s like, “oh that, it’s a common name that’s not him.” And then David doing something creepy like almost kill him, kind of like Joseph Cotton in Shadow of a Doubt when he starts sabotaging things around his niece because she knows too much, and everyone thinks she is just imagining things.

Anyways, one day Sean isn’t listening to Susan, so David decides to “discipline” and chokes him. When Sean and Beth visit their dad, he tells him and when Jay returns the kids he gets in a fistfight with David. Now this is my other issue with the movie-Jay confronts David about choking Sean and is freaking out and DAVID ADMITS IT and what does the mom do? Get angry at her EX-HUSBAND THE MAN PROTECTING HIS CHILD AND NOT THE MAN WHO JUST ADMITTED TO CHOKING OUT HER BABY. And afterwards Sean is all it my fault, and everyone is mad at Jay for making a scene and overreacting, and Sean apologizes to David and everyone is its okay, we forgive you. And later when Sean is freaking out, Michael is all its okay Sean David won’t hurt you again.

Uh, no. NO, NO, NO, NO! Jay was totally in the right and I completely 100% agree with his decision to pummel the guy ABUSING HIS child. And Susan, really? What is wrong with you! This man admitted to abusing your child because “he forgot what it was like being a father and discipling and maybe went too far. But don’t worry, he’ll learn how to do better, Uh, no! Get out of my house and out of my life and I am calling the police on you.”

WHAT!!!??

But Susan loves him. After that I checked out-I just couldn’t get over that scene. Now if they had David not admit to it, and change it around so it sounds like Sean is lying as he is upset at the changes, or Jay made it up, or twisted it in any way-I’ll buy that. But he admits it, and Susan cannot see the warning signs? Now I’ve been in an abusive relationship I now how they can meld your mind and practically brainwash you with their emotional and mental abuse- but your kids Susan! Your kids!!!

So Michael investigates, David goes on an anti-climatic killing spree, Michael’s girlfriend walks around in tiny clothes and bikinis, and the movie is just boring.

There is no suspense or buildup, no twists, it is all bland and very oatmeal-you know what you are getting and it happens-just as expected.

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more serial killers, go to It Should Have Been a Movie or a Miniseries: American Gothic (2016)

So with today’s topic and October being national domestic violence awareness month, I felt compelled to share this.

I Am a Survivor of Domestic Violence and I Know Help is Out There:

Are you being abused?

It’s abuse when someone who should care about you does or says things that hurt you or make you feel afraid, helpless or worthless. Here are only a few examples:

• Slapping, hitting, punching, choking, grabbing, shoving, kicking you or your kids, your pets
• Threatening you, your kids, friends, family or pets
• Hitting, kicking, slamming walls, doors, furniture, possessions
• Forcing you to have sex
• Calling you names, swearing at you, yelling
• Controlling all the money, even money you earn
• Blaming you or your kids for everything
• Putting you down, making you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough
• Treating you like a servant or slave
• Controlling where you go, what you do, what you wear
• Controlling who you see, who you talk to
• Humiliating you in front of other people
• Refusing to let you leave the relationship

If you are in danger call 911, a local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

• Learn more about the resources in your area from your state or U.S. territory coalition against domestic violence
• Learn more from other national service providers
• Learn more about internet and computer safety
• Learn more about the red flags of abuse
• Learn more about the forms of abuse

 

The Puppet Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

So sorry to post so late, but I have a really good excuse.

Yes! Really! So a week ago I wrote this post, and then scheduled it-all it needed was some editing and it was good to go. But then my parents had to go out of town and I ended up getting their tickets to A Woman’s Friend banquet, in which Robia LaMorte Scott spoke. Yes, Robia LaMorte who played Jenny Calendar on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I know what are the odds of these happening on the same day?!

Wow

They weren’t originally going to have her either. It was going to be Ashley Bratcher, star of the movie Unplanned, but something came up and they asked fellow Unplanned actress Robia LaMorte Scott to fill in. Crazy, right!

Her flight was actually delayed so it made me get home late.

Sorry, but at the same time, I’m not sorry as I really enjoyed hearing her speak. But enough on that, let’s move on to the review. It friday so that means a TV episode…

So it is time for another Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode.

So I had a hard time choosing a Buffy episode this year as I have already reviewed the creepiest episode (at least in my opinion) of BVS.

And with both Netflix and Amazon not having it anymore, I was at a loss what to pick.

But then the library saved the day. At my library we have 5 seasons which gave me a lot to choose from.  Unfortunately, the DVDs were donated and their cases don’t have any listings as to what episodes are on them.

Ugh!

So I just grabbed random discs and figured I would watch until one struck me. But then I ran into problem number three: my blue-ray doesn’t have a remote so I could only watch the very first episode of each disc.

I got lucky on Season 1, Disc 3, episodes 9-12 with The Puppet Show.

So brief recap on what’s happened so far: so Buffy Summers (Sarah Michelle Geller) moves to Sunnydale and fulfills her role as vampire slayer aided by her watcher, Giles, and two best friends-Willow and Xander.

Buffy has a mysterious friend, Angel (David Boreanaz), who is revealed to be a vampire. But unlike other vampires, he was cursed with his soul so he acts more human than bloodsucking evil. The two fall head over heels with each other.

So far they have fought vampires, witches, a giant praying mantis, an animal demon spirit, an ancient demon masquerading as teenage boy online, and the Master’s plans to destroy Buffy.

Wow

With this episode it is time for a talent show and Principal Synder wants to hurt Giles by forcing him to be in charge. When the gang are overheard making fun of the magician who sucks and Cordelia being off key-the three are cast in it, although they have no clue what to do.

One person is doing a ventriloquist act, and what I want to know does anyone know anyone who does that? They always have it in TV, films, and books but has anyone ever had a kid from their school enter a talent show doing a ventriloquist act?

In fact-we only ever see three acts: dummy, Cordelia, and the magician. Weird as there should be more.

So Morgan sucks at his ventrloquist act, until the dummy starts talking back rudely and in a deeper voice. It’s like he has been taken over by a man from the 1940s.

Morgan also looks ill, and the more time he spends with the dummy, the sicker he looks. Headaches, gray skin, etc.

The only good act, the dancer, is stretching when she is attacked by something.

They find her later with her heart carved out.

That is not good,

So they find no tell tale signs tat this is supernatural and intend on leaving it for the cops. However, Buffy feels there is more to this and convinces them to start looking into whether it was something else, some kind of demon.

Hmm…

Meanwhile, the dummy, Sid, is watching Buffy. He tells Morgan she is the one.

We also get to watch the magician be more terrible at magic. There is a girl helping him and she isn’t good at it either.

That night Buffy talks to her mom who encourages her in the talent show letting her know she will be there that night to watch her perform. Buffy begs her not to come, but no dice.

Ugh! Really, mom!

That night, when Buffy is in her bed something attacks her. She fights it off and her mom runs into the room to check on her, they find nothing-but we see Sid in the window peering in.

Yeah, I’m on the train that Sid is the creepy dummy. I mean was there any doubt, After that Twilight Zone episode? And with R.L. Stine picking up the torch?

Buffy is sure she saw Sid, but when she tells the others-they laugh it off.

Bad things happen when you don’t listen

Buffy tries to talk to Morgan, but they get interrupted by Sid and can’t continue to tal. Morgan puts him in his locker and then Buffy breaks in later, Sid is missing. Did he walk away?

Meanwhile Morgan is acting weirder and sicker, and the dummy is talking so much, it gets taken away from him by the teacher.

Xander steals it when Morgan and the teacher are preoccupied and morgan searches for it, frantic.

Not the best idea.

Meanwhile, Xander reveals to Buffy he has the doll and plays around with it. Buffy warns him not to, but Xander laughs her off. Buffy goes to speak to Morgan while Xander sits the dummy down.

Mr. Giles and Willow do some investigating, and find a book on demons possessing toys. One particular demon needs a heart and brain.

Rupert Giles: Every seven years, these demons *need* human organs, a-a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise, they-they-they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, slightly less appealing.

Willow Rosenberg: [reading] “On rare occasions, inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.”

Uh, oh. They go to Xander, but the dummy is gone!\

Saw that coming,

Buffy goes to find Morgan, but he’s dead, head missing.

What, but I thought he was the guy?

As she investigates further, a candelabra prop crashes down on her. All done by Sid the dummy. She uses her super strength to push it off . The two fight but it turns out that Sid isn’t a demon but a demon hunter.

Sid: This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah. You wouldn’t know it to look at me. Let’s just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know, I’m not me anymore. I’m sitting on some guy’s knee with his hand up my shirt.

Sid chose Morgan to team up as he was very smart and thought someone as beautiful, strong, ad powerful as Buffy must be a demon.

They discuss who the demon could be and decide it has to be someone involved with the talent show. They go to see who is missing during rehearsal but Buffy finds Morgan’s brain!

Why would the demon not want the brain, that’s what he needs???????! They investigate a bit more and are still puzzled as how Morgan was the smartest kid in school?

Giles leaves as he has to go back to the talent show while the kids hack into the school’s computer. They do notice a lot of sick days and Willow goes into his medical records and find out that he had cancer, and it returned.

The demon needs a new brain, but which one is the demon?

Hmmm

I admit I was lost, I thought maybe they shouldn’t trust Sid after all.

They decide that Willow is the next smartest person so as long as she stays away from the talent show. But then they realize there is another really smart person there, Giles.

That is not good,

There the magician needs a new partner and is using Giles as his sister is sick. The magician straps his head in a guillotine-okay this guy is clearly the demon,

As he prepares, a bit of his arm shows which reveals he is the demon.

Giles is about to be killed, when Buffy and crew come in to save the day. She and Sid go after the demon while Willow and Xander free GIles.

When Buffy knocks the demon out. Sid carves the heart out and is released from his curse, free!

Buffy hold him up, deeply disheartened he’s gone; Xander and Willow are by the guillotine with Willow holding the mallet to break the lock on the guillotine; and Xander holding the rope trying to keep Giles from getting his head cut open; and Giles in the guillotine.

And the curtain goes up!

So a great episode. I really love the twist at the end when it turns out that the dummy is’t the bad guy.

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more Buffy the Vampire Slayer, go to I’d Risk My Life to Save Yours: Earshot, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1999)

For more demons, go to Night on Bald Mountain: Fantasia (1940)

For more Sarah Michelle Geller, go to A Study in Fandoms

She’s Been Totally Different…Like Stepford: Ted, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997)

“Will, I’m not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I’m in the way or something. And Mom’s been totally different since he’s around.

Different, like happy?

Like Stepford.”

So quick background for those who don’t know who Buffy Summers is. Buffy is a strong, independent woman that totally kicks butt slaying demons, monsters, vampires, aliens, bug creatures, etc. She is lead by Giles her Watcher or mentor. He’s the type of guy you’d want as a dad or uncle. One if her best friends is Willow (played by Alison Hannigan) a shy, insecure, brilliant girl who takes care of spells and reversing curses. The other is Xander who is a total goofball. There is also Cordelia, the snooty, rich girl. At first she is Buffy’s nemesis, but she actually ends helping the group out. And lastly, Angel. Angel was a guy living in Ireland in the 19th century. He was turned into a vampire and wrecked havoc on the world. He was cursed by a group of witches in getting his soul back, forcing him to have feelings and a conscious. He turns from his life of killing, to protecting; attempting to atone for his mistakes.

That’s a lot!

So this episode takes place in season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Short recap: Buffy knows she is the “Slayer” and accepted her role. At the end of last season, she saved the whole world from the Hellmouth. She and Angel are dating, and getting closer and closer. More recently, Cordelia and Xander have put aside their mutal disgust as they have become make-out buddies. Giles let loose a demon when he was younger, and that secret/demon came back out in the open. Spike and Druselia have been causing problems, but the crew think they have gotten rid of them. Now onto the review!

So one day Buffy, Xander, and Willow are patrolling the city at night, looking for any Vampires to get rid of. Everything is actually extremely quiet and nice for a change. Maybe it will stay like this for a while?

Spoke too soon

So Buffy goes home with her pals, and while she is outside she hears her mother scream and glass break. She pushes the door in, intent to save the day!

Only to interrupt her mom and a man kissing.

It turns out her mother has been dating a computer salesman, Ted, for quite a while. He came over tonight to cook mini pizzas for Buffy and her. The others of course join them.

Buffy is not happy at all as she does not like her mom dating again. In fact in a lot of ways they reverse roles, as she is scolding her secrecy.

Her friends however, love Ted. It turns out he is an amazing cook.

Now the guy they choose for Ted is John Ritter. You know the sweet, funny guy from Three’s Company? The lovable, over-protective dad from 8 Simple Rules? And in this he is sweet, a great cook, pleasant, kind, etc. But something is just not right.

It’s weird, he’s like the perfect guy ever, but that’s the problem. It’s almost as if he is tooo perfect. Like he’s hiding something.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it.

The next night Ted comes over again and cooks everyone dinner, along with baking cookies.

That night Buffy is so angry about how everyone is raving over Ted, she goes out patrolling, this time with Giles. Instead of finishing off Vampires like usual, she beats them to a pulp. She clearly has some issues with Ted dating her mom.

And you can’t really blame her, it was all kind of sprung on her, I mean her mom didn’t even tell her she has started dating again.

The next day, Willow and Xander can’t stop talking about Ted. It is driving Buffy crazy, and she is convinced that something with Ted just isn’t right.

 

Just as Buffy is talking about her suspicions, guess who shows up? Ted.

Yep, he’s installing some new computer software for the school. He invites Buffy and her friends to mini-golf with him and Joyce, Buffy’s mom. Buffy doesn’t want to go, but her friends do and cancel their nonexistent plans.

On a side note, Giles and the computer teacher, Jenny, were getting close, but because of his old secret coming back to bite him in the butt, she can’t be around him at the moment.

That night Buffy goes to Angel’s place. She has been caring for him after he was badly injured in a previous episode. She complains about everything, but sweet Angel tells her to give Ted a chance. After all, her mother’s is probably been lonely from the divorce.

Buffy agrees and heads home.

At dinner that night, Ted is over once again. He not only made dinner, but went to the guidance counselor about her grades. He keeps going “Dad” on Buffy, even though he’s only known her for a couple of days. This makes Buffy angry, not only because he is overstepping his bounds, but being extremely controlling.

The crew goes mini-golfing and Buffy isn’t very good at it. She knocks her ball way out in the bushes. Everyone wants to let her have a second chance, but Ted. He keeps insisting that rules are rules and they need to followed.

Like just chill, it is just a game.

Ted has convinced everyone that Buffy has to follow the rules like everyone else. She then picks up the ball and tosses it in the hole, yelling to everyone that she got a hole in two.

Ted tells her he saw what she did and gets angry. Buffy just shrugs it off and says that it is a game, making Ted get really mad and threaten her.

That’s it, Ted is a creeper.

He needs to get very, very, far away.

Buffy tries to tell her friends and her mom about it, but no one will listen to her. In fact after Buffy tells her mom what Ted said, Joyce says “No, honey that’s not true. Ted told me what happened.”

Yes her mom is taking his word over her own daughter!!!

And that is what makes this episode scarier than any other one in the show. Because this is something that could really happen. Yeah vampires, ghosts, the swim team turning in fishes, a substitute teacher turning out to be some alien insect, etc.; are all pretty creepy. But this one tops them all because it could actually happen. The fact that someone could treat you cruelly but others nicely, causing no one to believe you is the creepiest. Especially when you know they mean you harm.

So Buffy knows that she needs to dig up some serious proof is she is going  get everyone to believe her. She goes to Ted’s work and discovers that he has planned his and Joyce’s wedding for two weeks from today!

This can’t be happening

She looks over at his desk and sees a picture of her mom. When she looks closer, she realizes that she has seen that picture before. She opens the back, and it turns out to be a picture of her and her mom. Ted took it from the fridge where it was hanging, and folded Buffy out of the picture.

Yep, it is clear to see that this is a metaphor for what Ted wants to do. Remove Buffy from the picture.

That night Ted comes over for dinner. When he is praying he talks sweet and kind, but all his words are edged in double meaning. He knows what Buffy did.

Buffy asks them is they are planning on getting married. They say they aren’t but ask Buffy’s feelings on the matter. She tells them that it makes her want to kill herself.

This earns her a ticket to her room. She leaves out the window and goes patrolling. When she gets back she has a surprise waiting for her.

Ted.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only has he been waiting for her in her room, but he’s been snooping through everything. He found her diary and read it, threatening to tell her mom that she is crazy, and needs psychiatric help for her “Slayer” and “Vampire” delusions; unless she does everything he asks her to do.

Buffy tries to get the diary back and Ted slaps her. The two start fighting, with Buffy’s Slayer abilities causing her to over power him, and him to fall down the stairs. Joyce sees them and checks the body, finding Ted dead.

You know Joyce is so focused on Ted, she doesn’t even ask why they were fighting. Buffy has been a good kid her whole life, but Joyce just assumes her daughter is a murderer than needs protection, rather than assuming Ted was not as he seemed. Yes, Joyce, bad mother alert.

So they call an ambulance, which takes Ted off to the morgue. Joyce tries to cover everything up, telling the police he fell down the stairs, but Buffy speaks up and tells the truth.

The cops take her downtown and start questioning her.

She tells them Ted hit her, and she fought back. The police see no marks on her, [as a Slayer she is fast healer], and are very suspicious but let her go home.

At home things are worse. Her mother won’t talk or look at her. And Buffy has to now deal with the fact that she killed a human, she took a human life. She is not a Slayer or protecter, but a murderer. An accidental one, but still a murder.

At school things are not better as everyone stares at her. Willow and Xander try to cheer her up. But nothing seems to help.

Buffy goes back home, while Willow, Cordelia, and Xander try to find something on Ted. As they are researching in the library, Xander finds some of Ted’s cookies and eats them. He suddenly becomes completely mellow.

That’s weird.

Willow takes the cookies and runs tests on them, discovering that they were tranquilized. Yep, Ted dosed the cookies so he could control everyone around him.

Then they discover an address for him along with a lot of marriage certificates. Marriage…but no divorce…marriages that go back to the 1950s.

The plot thickens

Back at Buffy’s house, she is trying to talk to her mom, but Joyce isn’t having anything. Buffy goes up to her room, and finds the window nailed shut. And that’s not all she finds…

Ted!

AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But he was dead!

It turns out that he wasn’t dead, but had to “shut down”. He attacks Buffy and begins strangling her.

Before he can finish, he hears Joyce and runs downstairs.

Back with the rest of the gang, they find the address, but it looks abandoned. Xander breaks in, and as they are looking, Cordelia notices that the carpet doesn’t match. Moving it aside they find a secret passage that leads to an underground house. As they search inside Xander discovers the best evidence against Ted. His four previous wives’ dead bodies.

Back at the Summer’s house, Joyce is overwhelmed at seeing Ted alive. He explains that he flatlined, but was brought back. He didn’t come sooner as he “didn’t know who he was.” He tries to talk Joyce into running away with him, but every time he speaks it is all mumbled, almost as if he is short circuiting.

That’s weird.

Ted starts spazing out and Buffy comes down, knocking him out with a frying pan.

Poetic Justice if I do say so myself.

When Buffy does that, we have a major reveal. It turns out that Ted was a cyborg!

They call the police

The next day everything is sorted out and it turns out that the real Ted was dying, back in the 1950s. His wife left him, and he built a robot to be his replacement. The robot went and brought his wife back, imprisoning her until her death. When she died he went searching for “his wife”, choosing another girl who looked just like his first wife, marrying her, and locking her up until she died. This continued up until Joyce.

Oooh creepy!

It might not be what most would choose as an inaugral episode, but it defintely stuck with me as the creepy factor is super high.

To start Horrorfest IV from the beginning, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It Has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

For the previous post, go to She Cries in the Night: The Screaming Skull (1958)

For more Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series), go to Heaven on Earth

For more Buffy Summers, go to I’m the Chosen One…And I Choose to Be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

For more on cyborgs/robots, go to I’ll Be Back: The Terminator (1984)