We Think We’ve Got All the Time in the World, But How Much Time Has the World Got?: Escape from Planet of the Apes (1971)

“We think we’ve got all the time in the world, but how much time has the world got?”

While I remember all of Planet of the Apes as I have seen it a gazillion times, and the others as they had very memorable scenes. This film I remember zero about this other than them running with their baby. I don’t know why…

Hmmm

Oh well, it will be interesting to see whether this improves over its predecessor. At least it won’t have Brrrent in it.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes did such a great job monetary wise and even though they pretty much blew up the planet, the studio heads wanted another sequel-logic be darned.

JUST DO IT!!!

You have to admit it was pretty creative to have the apes escape (Cinemasins would say roll credits) in Taylor’s plane that they managed to fix. On one hand Cornelius was very interested in it and the human belongings they found in Planet of the Apes, and I could see them tooling around with it. But then on the other hand how? If you look at The Planet of the Apes’ society they have no electronics, no cars, no planes, etc-how would they know how to do anything with a spaceship? I mean they still operate on horseback or buggy.

It seriously doesn’t make any sense, but whatever.

We open up on the ocean like in the last film (it actually was the same beach they filmed the end of the first film). But this is our (1970s) time as there is a helicopter going over the ocean and it finds a rocket.

What?

I don’t know why but this makes me think if KIng Kong (1976) when Jessica Lange is floating in a boat. I don’t know why, it’s something about the way the scene was shot. That was a disappointing movie. That girl.

Anyways, sorry. So of course they call the military in, why not? Even the general comes out. I know it is a really big deal, but you think the general would wait to make sure it wasn’t going to kill him.

They open up and we see three astronauts-like in the first film-in US gear. But then they take their helmets off and we see they are apes.

AWESOME!!!! All are in shock and agog!!!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! And Roddy McDowell is Back!!!! YAY!!!!

Right away you are hooked.

This is a big improvement over Brrrent (you have to say his name in disgust).

And we get a musical score in this film-more spyish than scifi.

This opening is awesome, the military moving them along, and all are like what the heck is going on?

And the makeup looks great again.

They put them with the other animals in the zoo. Oh the irony, like how Taylor was treated in  Planet of the Apes. But he was supposed to be ironic is this double irony?

So the military are completely shocked. Some are talking to them like they are human, others think of them as animals. It’s perfect, they are completely befuddled.

So they give them an orange to eat, as apes like oranges. I just love the way Cornelius stares at the guy to get more than one orange.

Jut going to give me one for the three of us?

They all sit and eat at the table, cutting their oranges open and peeling them.

Its perfect! We are barely into the film and I am just loving it. They had some class a writers working on it this time. That last script-what a joke.

The vet tries to take care of the animals but the way that he treats the animals isn’t flying with the chimps. Just like in the first movie!

After he leaves they start talking, they are worried and unsure what happened-but the third ape who we have no clue who he is explains that they must have gone back in time-to Taylor’s time?

This third ape cautions them not to talk and to act like humans (at least the ones in their time) as they are stuck in the LA zoo.

So in the new one they make them ape sized. I like that in these films they are human sized-it should make it obvious to these doctors that they are different, but they are just clueless humans.

So two scientists are sent to come in and study the apes. The human equivalent of Cornelius and Zira, OMgosh this had great writing!

The doctors come in and this is great, this is a total call back to the original when they were studying Taylor.

They start testing them with those ape tests they do.

This male doctor geez, its glorious to watch Zira trounce them. I can hear her thinking I have a PhD and you don’t think I can match colors. She’ s smug and sassy-perfect just like in the original.

They hang a banana in to test them, but Zira passes by building a staircase to get the banana. And then she speaks!

The female doctor , Dr. Stephanie Branton faints.

So Dr. Zira is seriously angry at how they are being treated, and I get it as I would too, but its like you guys all treated Taylor the same way. Maybe you should remember the advice you gave him.

They get really upset and so does the neighboring gorilla and it kills Dr. Milo (the third ape). Oh gee, it is super sad to lose someone we know zero about.

So the male doctor, Dr. Lewis Dixon, decides it is best for him to see the apes alone. I guess she can’t handle it.

WOW! That’s how we are going to play it? Why does the woman have to be the fainter??

So Dr. Zira and Cornelius speak to Dr. Dixon-who also happens to be an animal psychiatrist. Dr. Zira and Cornelius tell Dr. Dixon they like him, but can they trust him?

Hmm…

No you can’t trust man because they destroy what they fear and they fear you.

So there is a cabinet meeting with the president and his important people, about the ship that left only a few years ago with Colonel Taylor has been returned to them with three apes.

Colonel, that’s weird. I don’t remember them calling him colonel in the first film. Maybe he was promoted posthumously?

The president decides to have a meeting with the press the next day and to share this discovery with the world. We then switch to broadcasts around the globe and I like that the second country we see sharing the news is France as a french author wrote the book.

So all the humans are going crazy over this and the apes aren’t having an easy time either.

“Dr. Lewis Dixon: Be yourself.

Dr. Cornelius: Be your better self Zira.”

Oooo, yeah. I could see Zira just blasting everybody verbally.

Alright so they are going to have a meeting. Only bad can come from this, I’ve seen enough movies.

Dr. Dixon shares that the chimpanzees can talk and will answer questions. As the hearing starts, this is so like the first one, when they were questioning Taylor, just inside out. I love it!!!!

Chairman of the President’s Committee of Inquiry: [testing Lewis’s assertion that the apes can speak] What is your name?

Dr. Zira: Zira.

Chairman of the President’s Committee of Inquiry: One might as well be talking to a parrot.

Dr. Zira: A parrot?

Chairman of the President’s Committee of Inquiry: What did I tell you? Mechanical mimicry. Unique in an ape, vocally, without a doubt, but… does the other one talk?

Cornelius: Only when she lets me.

Dr. Milo, who conveniently died, was the one who actually salvaged and flew the plane…Really…So they can’t answer any questions about that. Unfortunately, Dr. Zira lets the cat out of the bag that they are from he future.

Now things will really get really grim!

That’s not good.

They ask about Colonel Taylor, but they say they are unsure who they speak of. I’m surprised they didn’t ask after Brent, but maybe they didn’t like him either and would rather forget him.

He’s unimportant.

Dr. Zira wants to tell the doctors the whole truth about the future as she doesn’t have the skill to lie nor does she care to. They reveal that they did know Taylor and cared for them. They share how they treat humans in their world, Dr. Branton is disgusted, but the Dr. Dixon gets hit with that fact that that is how they treat apes his time.

They reveal that when they left, they saw the planet blow up.

That’s not good.

So the white house lead scientist, Dr. Otto Hasslein (a callback to the first film when the one astronaut uses the Hasslein theory to talk about time travel) goes on a show and they discuss what happened. He believes they are from the future as thats the only explanation he finds possible.

He tries to explain it, but it is still really confusing, I mean I get it, but I think there would have been an easier way to do it, espechially as you are supposed to make it easy to understand for the viewers at him.

Meanwhile, the Apo-nauts are watching the report on TV and are given couches and chairs. They are amazed at TV as their culture does’t have any.

What is it?

So that brings me back to my original point-how did Dr. Milo know how to do anything with a rocket?

It doesn’t make any sense!

The apes are moved from the Zoo to a hotel, but isn’t it just a nicer looking prison? Like that Twilight Zone when Roddy McDowell is take from the jail to the house but it really is a zoo.

Anyways, they check out the hotel which is unlike anything they have ever seen before. Then they are taken along to see the sights in LA. You know-fitted for new clothes to match society, checking out the sights, etc.

This is all nice, but I have seen A LOOOT of movies and read A LOOOT of books. So I know this is actually-not goodAll it takes is for one person to screw up this happy sweet montage. I give you as proof-Mighty Joe Young, Fantastic Four, Teen Wolf, etc.

Everyone is amazed-talking to them, quoting, treating them like stars, etc. It actually reminds me of that Ray Bradbury story when the humans welcome the aliens and give them liquor, a parade, etc. From The Illustrated Man

They have their whole days planned out, trotting our here and there. Dr Zira at a women’s club speaking of women’s rights, Cornelius going to a prizefight and not liking it at all, etc. They are taking Dr. Zira to the Museum of Natural History and explaining everythig to her on science. Yawn, she knows this. Just wait until she sees the taxidermied apes.  This is like when Taylor saw his friend in the zoo-actually Taylor’s was worse. At least Zira didn’t know that ape.

She faints:

Curator: [in the museum, Zira sees a giant stuffed gorilla and faints] It must have been the shock!

Dr. Zira: [reviving] Shock, my foot… I’m pregnant!

Dr. Hasslein is the one helping her and brings her home to rest. He gives her wine, a lot and does it to get information out of her. He questions her and she reveals the destruction of the planet. Then nods off.

The scientist goes to the President, but the President doesn’t really care. He thinks that first of all-this will be happening thousands of years in the future. And second, he sees no point in killing three innocent lives. The scientist wants to kill them now, and keep them from destroying the world.

Dr. Otto Hasslein: [Regadring Zira, Cornelius & their baby] They must be killed… it has to be done and done quickly, before they start a stone rolling that’ll gather enough poison moss to kill us all!

The president cares more about votes and is actually a pretty great leader wanting time to think and plan and focus on what to decide what to do next. The scientist wants to destroy not just these apes, but all apes to protect our world.

Never trust a doctor, that’s what I say. Except if he is played by Michael Rennie and of course Zira and Cornelius.

The scientist does convince him to allow him to interrogate them further and they are moved to Camp 11. The Dr. Dixon goes to, as does Dr. Branton. Dr. Branton is kind of a useless character-she does nothing and says nothing. Like why don’t give her some lines or something to do.

WOW! That’s how we are going to play it?

They try to interrogate the apes, but they get nowhere. So they switch gears-they get Cornelius heated by calling the two monkeys. He shares that he suspects that something man created is the one that actually hurt the planet.

But eventually Cornelius decides to share what they learned from the historical records.

A plague comes and all the dogs and cats fall sick and die or have to be destroyed. But man can hurt man, but man hates to hurt his pets. Man also does not like to be alone and adopted apes as pets.

Cornelius: By the time the plague was contained, man was without pets. Of course, for man this was intolerable. I mean, he might kill his brother, but he could not kill his dog!

They share that apes were adopted to be pets, but so easily learned and mimiced humans-soon they were trained to do a few things. Then they were turned into slaves!

Cornelius: They became alert to the concept of slavery. And, as their numbers grew, to slavery’s antidote which, of course, is unity. At first, they began assembling in small groups. They learned the art of corporate and militant action. They learned to refuse. At first, they just grunted their refusal. But then, on an historic day, which is commemorated by my species and fully documented in the sacred scrolls, there came Aldo. He did not grunt. He articulated. He spoke a word which had been spoken to him time without number by humans. He said ‘No.’ So that’s how it all started.

So it is a little odd as in the first film no one knew anything about humans-but here Cornelius acts as if this is something that has been taught to all ape babies.

Now on one hand, in the second film the chimps were in trouble for helping Taylor, but Zauis does leave all Apedom in their control if he does not return from trying to take the human land. Maybe he let them look at the historical scrolls?

Hmmm…

They the start grilling Zira, but get nowhere. They then call Dr. Dixon and ask him to drug Zira so she will answer the questions.

Cornelius becomes upset and they force him to leave.

They wish to inject her with a truth serum and want Dr. Dixon to betray her.

Dr. Dixon injects her- YOU JUDAS! You should have stood up to them. See never trust a doctor in a horror film.

The doctor tries to remove him, but Dixon stays to make sure they don’t do anything worse to her. She revels everything-the studying the humans, the bomb, how they treat humans, etc.

The scientist sends the recordings to the commission, but that scientist is a jerk. He did that on purpose!

But life is not fair.

They decide to give Dr. Zira an abortion to try and stall the coming of ape domination and then make it so they can never have children again!

What horrible people!!!

Dr. Zira is happy that she doesn’t have to lie anymore, but Cornelius knows that things are going to go bad.

Dr. Zira finally tells Cornelius she is pregnant and he’s done.

Cornelius rushes at the orderly who brings their meal, knocks him out, and they escape out the window.

It’s amazing no one thought to put a guard on the door, but then again they keep thinking they are dumb, instead of scientists.

These humans

They escape, but Zira goes into labor. The scientists discover them missing and fan out searching.

Cornelius decides to go back and get help.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They think that it would be better to get in trouble at least the baby would be born. But no Cornelius, they are going to kill your baby!!!!!!!!

Cornelius overhears them saying that he killed the orderly, but how? All he did was knock a tray into his face. How did he die. He didn’t even hit a wall or anything. This sounds like a means to the end of the film, more than anything else.

Cornelius gets Dr. Branton-who finally!

Finally!

She finally has a part to play. She picks him, Zira, and Dr. Dixon-and all go to the circus, run by Armando (Ricardo Montalban). I just LOVE him.  Many of you will recognize him as he the grandpa in Spy Kids and Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

The couldn’t do this today as they have outlawed all animals in circuses. The apes would all just have to die.

They have the baby and name him Milo afer their lost collegue. Well gee, it was great that this ape meant so much to them but we know zip bout him. Why not name him after Lucius?

Armando wanted to take them with him to Florid, as they go in a month, but can’t with the scientists and army searching everywhere. He sends them on their way, but gives them his medal of Saint Francis, patron saint of the animals.

They go to see Heloise, his chimp who gave birth to a baby chimp a week earlier. The two stare at each other and the babies.

The doctors give them supplies and a map. Dr. Dixon asks him if he can read a map

Dr. Lewis Dixon: Can you read a map?

Cornelius: I’m an archaeologist. I can even draw one!

They send them out to the ship graveyard to hide for a week, and them hopefully they will have moved on and the the circus can smuggle them to Florida.

Cornelius knows that they will be killed if discovered, and asks for something to end their lives before they are tortured ad murdered.

This film took a dark turn.

They kiss them goodbye and run off into the night.

The police search the circus, but find no sign of the apes. And Armando annoys them enough to leave. Dr. Hasslein is having a complete and utter breakdown as the apes cannot be found. Like he is spiraling out of control, even more than usual.

You’re crazy!
Crazy, am I? We’ll see whether I’m crazy or not.

They drop the clothes off by oil riggers to throw them off and scent. The next day the police and miltary search everywhere and find the discarded suitcase. But no apes.

Dr. Hasslein searches along with a gun. He aims to shoot to kill.

He ends up finding them  at the shipyard. How I’m not quite sure-I mean as apes it isn’t the likeliest or best place for them. And LA is ginormous-I’m amazed they found them so quickly.

Meanwhile, on the ship two Cornelius and Zira are carrying on trying to find a way to make this a comfortable living situation-when unbeknownst to them death stalks the yard in the shape of Dr. Hasslein.

They try to hide as the military sends in chopper, but the deck is stacked against them. We know how this will end…in death!

Dr. Hasselein kills the baby and shoots Zira, but Cornelius gets him!

You get him Cornelius

Cornelius is shot by a sniper and all are dead.

But back at the circus we see Heloise and her baby Cesar, but the baby is not Heloise’s Cesar but Zira’s Milo. The two switched babies!!!! After all John Conner  Milo is needed to start a revolution. Armando knows this, and we end with baby Milo talking.

Yes, like in The Terminator, you can’t stop what is to come.

 

To start Horrorfest VIII from the beginning, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For more Planet of the Apes, go to Maybe We Should Just Let the World Blow Up: Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

For more Roddy McDowell, go to Take Your Stinking Paws Off Me, you D*** Dirty Ape!: Planet of the Apes (1968)

For more dystopian future films, go to Don’t Go in There! You Don’t Have to Die! No One Has to Die at 30! You Could Live! LIVE!: Logan’s Run (1976)

You Can’t Kill It, It Always Comes Back

So Horrorfest V is over.

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I know. It is hard to let go of October.

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But while Horrorfest is over for now, you can never truly kill it. It always comes back. Specifically next October with Horrorfest VI. 

Horror Films

It never ceases to amaze me how every October I plan out 26 film reviews, 4 TV reviews, and one post on my personal thoughts; yet what I start off with never matches up with the end result.

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So let’s go over what this Horrorfest V was all about.

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So I started planning my Horrorfest with lots of ’40s films, but it ended up being all about the ’80s. What can I say? You know I love it.

I LOVE the '80s

I LOVE the ’80s

We had Ghostbusters, Thriller, Cat’s Eye, Once Bitten, Teen Wolf, and Clue

And you all remember how I said I wanted to do something different this year? Well I did. This was the most I have ever reviewed Horror-Comedies.

It is horror and funny at the same time!

It is horrorfying and funny at the same time!

We had Ghostbusters, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Once Bitten, Clue, and Teen Wolf.

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My free post, on whatever horror thing I wished to write about, was 31 tips on How to Survive a Horror Film. I got the idea last year, but couldn’t put it into play until this year. I hope it was helpful. 🙂

So Alfred Hitchcock,

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we only covered one of his films, and it was one of the oldest ones he created. I strayed from what had become a tradition of three as I felt I didn’t want to use his works too quickly. Which film will I review next year? I’m not sure. I was toying with maybe doing one of his last films like Frenzy or Family Plot. Then again, The Birds have been on my list from the beginning and I still haven’t reviewed it. I guess we will see what happens next year.

Ringu Watch TV

So we reviewed a TV episode every Friday in October. This year we had a serial killer Wallace & Gromit episode, a cannibalistic killer in Bones, a murderer in Death Comes to Pemberley, and a teenage boy with incredible powers in Star Trek.

We also had our Turtle Saturdays

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Starting with the 2014 version, to 2007, and then going over the original 1990 version and its sequel in 1991. It might not be what most consider horror, but I think it works as each film involves mutation, two have monsters, and one a whole lot of scientific experiments.

So we saw a group of monsters I haven’t really spent a whole lot of posts reviewing, and that is:

Zombies!

Zombies!

We started with the Corpse Bride; then went on to the first zombie film, White Zombie; and ended on Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I had thought about doing Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, but as I haven’t reviewed the book I decided to wait on the film.

Then we had our usual Stephen King film, with Cat’s Eye. Not one I’d planned on reviewing, but happened to see and add to the lineup.

Who knew?

Who knew?

I finally got around to taking on a Tim Burton film, and actually reviewed two, not one. We had the Corpse Bride and Sleepy Hollow. Still haven’t done Edward Scissorhands. Maybe next year.

We also did a lot of teen monster films. There was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with teen turtles; Thriller with teen zombies; Once Bitten with teen vampires; and a teen werewolf in Teen Wolf.

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We also had vampires and Dracula coming back with Once Bitten, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, and Dracula 2000.

This Horrorfest was very different than the ones prior as I reviewed a lot of films and TV shows I had never seen before such as: Wallace & Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death, When a Stranger Calls (1979), Jeepers Creepers, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter, Cat’s Eye, Death Comes to Pemberley, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Backfire, Dial 1119, Let Me Call You Sweetheart, Corpse Bride, The Cheerleader Murders, & The Girl on the Train; along with films and TV shows I hadn’t seen in years, such as: Fantasia: Night on Bald Mountain and Sleepy Hollow. That was about half the reviews!

AMAZING!

AMAZING!

This also was the first time I could really include Jane Austen in my Horrorfest, not with a made up post but actually review an Austen item.

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I was planning on reviewing Pride & Prejudice & Zombies along with Death Comes to Pemberley, but as I said before, I decided to push it back.

And then there is Vincent Price

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I reviewed two films with him: Thriller and the film I have been talking about reviewing since the first HorrorfestHouse on Haunted Hill. 

Double double yay

So if you missed a day, or are interested in every item I covered; here is the complete list:

How To Survive A Horror Film

You’re a Detective, Let Me Give You a Tip. Don’t Wave Important Evidence in a Telephone Booth. They Have Glass Windows: Blackmail (1929)

Those Aren’t Men They Are the Living Dead: White Zombie (1932)

Night on Bald Mountain: Fantasia (1940)

We’ve Seen Dracula, the Wolf Man, and Frankenstein’s Monster: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

It’s A Hard World: Backfire (1950)

The Mad Killer: Dial 1119 (1950)

They’re Coming for Me Now…And Then They’ll Come for You: House on Haunted Hill (1959)

What I Think You Will Think…You are Fully Under My Control: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (1966)

 I Can Make You all Go Away! Any Time I Want To!: Charlie X, Star Trek (1966)

Have You Checked the Children: When a Stranger Calls (1979)

No Mere Mortal Can Resist the Evil of the Thriller: Thriller (1983)

Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

That’s What We’re Trying to Find out! We’re Trying to Find Out Who Killed Him, and Where, and With What!: Clue (1985)

I Don’t Want to Be a Vampire. I’m a Day Person: Once Bitten (1985)

I’m…a Werewolf: Teen Wolf (1985)

I’ll Be Watching You: Cat’s Eye (1987)

I Came Upon a Shattered Glass Jar and Four Baby Turtles Crawling into a Strange Glowing Ooze: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

But If Any of It Fell Into the Wrong Hands…:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, Secret of the Ooze (1991)

That Face-I’ve Seen Her Before…: Let Me Call You Sweetheart (1997)

It was a Horseman, a Dead One. Headless: Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Dracula. Not Myth, Nor Ravings of a Mad Irish Novelist, Oh No, He’s Real: Dracula 2000 (2000)

Every Twenty-Third Spring for Twenty Three Days, it Gets to Eat: Jeepers Creepers (2001)

He’s Married to a Corpse. He Has A Corpse Bride!: Corpse Bride (2005)

Every Three Thousand Years, the Stars Align. Unleashing an Army of Monsters: TMNT (2007)

A Matter of Loaf and Death: Wallace and Gromit (2008)

The Butcher of Burtonsville High: The Death of the Queen Bee, Bones (2010)

A Murder Has Been Committed on Your Property: Death Comes to Pemberley, Episode One (2013)

Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

It Was the Curse. My Curse: The Cheerleader Murders (2016)

Have You Seen Megan Hipwell?: The Girl On the Train (2016)

I’m…a Werewolf: Teen Wolf (1985)

Let’s see, we’ve done teen zombies with Thriller, teen vampires with Once Bittenwhat are we missing? Oh yes:teenwolf

I’m… a werewolf.

So you are probably wondering why I didn’t review this film two years ago when my Horrorfest III was obsessed with werewolves. I wanted to, but didn’t have enough time.

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So instead I am doing it now as it seems fitting with all my other teen films I have done so far. So this film was Michael J. Fox’s first non-TV film. The only reason he was able to make it, was because filming was delayed by his TV mom, Meredith Baxter’s pregnancy. However, this film came out after Back to the Future even though he made it first. And even though people liked this film, Back to the Future became the monster hit of the year.

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But while people loved this film, this was actually Michael J. Fox’s least favorite film. He disliked it so much he declined being in the sequel Teen Wolf Too. Instead going on to do The Secret of My Success, Bright Lights Big City, and of course Back to the Future: Part II.

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I have to agree with Michael J. Fox, while I don’t hate it, it isn’t my favorite of his work. I mean we all know what that is…

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Okay, enough with The Back to the Future references, let’s move on to Teen Wolf!

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So this film takes the idea from I Was a Teenage Werewolf but steers away from the darker tones and tries to focus on what teen life would be like with instead of puberty, you turn into a werewolf.

This film also came out during a cycle of werewolf films, such as: An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, etc.

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teenwolf

So the film starts off with Scott Howard’s (Michael J. Fox) basketball game. Scott is not the best player and not popular, more on the geeky side.

As if Clueless

I know, an uncool Michael J. Fox?

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It seems impossible to me. But this is acting, sometimes we pretend to be the opposite of what we are.

So moving on. So he’s horrible at basketball, the most popular girl in school won’t say two words to him, he is bullied, etc. And to top it all off his body has been going through some…changes.

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First he growls during the basketball game

Then he finds a super long hair on his chest, hair on his hands, pointy ears, wolf teeth, and during a two minutes in heaven at a party he grows crazy long nails and scratches up his best friend, who is secretly in love with him and he is totally oblivious to), Boof.

What?

What?

Yes, that is her name. She was named after the writer’s friend from high school. Anyways, he soon learns from his dad what is causing this.

I liked the transformation scene it was pretty creepy looking, good job makeup guys. I thought the make up was cool too, sort of similar to I Was a Teenage Werewolf but longer hair.

I was a teenage werewolf

Scott decides to let his best friend know about him being a werewolf, and his friend Stiles (Jerry Levine [you might recognize him as Jamie in Casual Sex] who doesn’t freak out but decides that they could profit from this if done right. Yes, in this werewolf’s don’t act bestial and attack, the full moon doesn’t come into play, and no one screams in terror or tries to kill him; instead the Horwards can control it, most of the time. And unlike most horror or werewolf films; Michael J. Fox spends most of the film in werewolf makeup.

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Most werewolf films is either split fifty-fifty, or under fifty. And of you think of it, most werewolf films focus on how the person’s life is affected, trying to stop it, the carnage that comes of it; not how you could profit from it or being a werewolf almost 24 hours a day. Yes, this is a very different concept.

I'm in shock

I’m in shock

So everything comes to a head when during one of the games he fully voges into a werewolf.

We then see how being the wolf is bettering his life. He is a better basketball player

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I know I thought it was weird too, but then again they did do the same thing in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992). After the guys were bit by vampires, they suddenly became extremely good at basketball. I guess being a supernatural being makes you good at sports.

Who knew?

Who knew?

He becomes super popular, Stiles selling all kinds of merchandise and products. It makes him smarter as he starts getting A’s in his classes, everyone loves him and wants his autograph, and the the most popular girl in school starts wanting to be with him.

hot pretty sexy

In fact, one of the weirdest nonsensical scenes involves the most popular girl in school, Pamela. Scott has been asked to be in the school play, a play that was previously just Pamela and the director, and she comes on to Scott. At first the scene starts off with her in her bra and panties, and then she takes her bra off. We cut away to hear Scott howling, so it is safe to assume they had sex. After this they go on a date and her boyfriend Mick is there and angry at Scott for being with his woman. When Scott talks to Pamela about it, she says:

Pamela: Well, you can’t really blame him. He is my boyfriend.

Well then why were you messing with Scott?

What?

What?

When Scott asks her the same thing, she says that it was then and just something that happens.

Say What

And she legit does not get why Scott is confused. If you ask me, she and the school drama teacher were probably doing some stuff backstage. I mean otherwise why was the school production a production of one and why did he cast such a horrible actress as the lead?

Mmhm great gatsby

So the film instead of being a werewolf film, actually becomes a teen film about a person getting too much fame and losing who they are; turning on their friends and the people who really care about him. He hardly spends time with Boof and keeps having “cooler” things to do then help out with his father’s hardware store.

Scott Howard: I was with Stiles this afternoon.

Harold Howard: I know.

Scott Howard: You saw?

Harold Howard: Yeah, I saw, unless that was another werewolf doing a handstand on top of Stiles’ wolfmobile and making a fool of himself.

I think that is one of the things that made me dislike the film. We had a werewolf but not a real one; instead a drama about teenagers that could have been done without the transformation scenes.

No thank youhowaboutno

Although I did think the van surfing scene was cool.

So everything comes to a head when they go to the school dance. First Scott starts off as the wolf, but goes back to being plain old Scott; switching back to the wolf when instigated into a fight. The rage and anger he has at the other student scares him and makes him wonder at his ability. Can he hold it together, or will he become like the other wolfmen?

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He also is struggling with who he should be, another teen element and not real horror one. Should he be what everyone wants? The wolf? Or should he be true to his heart and be himself?

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It is time for the final game, and Scott decides to be himself instead of the wolf. In Karate Kid fashion (but not as good) we have a montage of the basketball game with Scott scoring the final basket and finally coming to terms with who he is.

So there is Teen Wolf. It isn’t horrible, but just regurgitates a lot of teen films clichés and tosses in werewolves. It also had a lot of montages and drags in a quite a few places. It also is weird placing it in a genre; it’s too serious to be a comedy, but too serious to be a drama, and it doesn’t really contain the typology of a horror film. Its a bit mish-mash and will be either be a hit for you or just meh.

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But whether you love or hate the film, there is one thing we can all agree on: Michael J. Fox is the BEST!

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to We’ve Seen Dracula, the Wolf Man, and Frankenstein’s Monster: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

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For more werewolf films, go to Beast or Man: The Wolfman (2010)

For more Michael J. Fox, go to Portrait of a Fangirl

For more ’80s films, go to I Don’t Want to Be a Vampire. I’m a Day Person: Once Bitten (1985)

For more teen films, go to I’m the Chosen One. And I Choose to be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

Portrait of a Fangirl

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Yes our Life of a Fangirl posts are back!

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Sorry to have taken so long to finish these posts. It just seemed as if every time I tried to something came up, and then I had to stop for Horrorfest, the holidays came up, etc.

But here we are with another fandom post!

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Journey

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What can I say about this band other than the fact that they are AWESOME!!!!

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Their songs are amazing, the vocals fantastic, the music incredible, and the lyrics are just out of this world.

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I don’t know how they do it, but every song just connects to you as a listener.

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Every time I hear a song, I just get so excited and crank up the volume as I sing at the top of my lungs.

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If I had to choose my five favorite Journey songs, which is a practically impossible feat, I would choose…….

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Don’t Stop Believin’ (you all saw that one coming), Any Way You Want ItSeparate Ways Worlds Apart, Wheel in the Sky, and I’ll Be Alright Without You.

Journey

For more on Journey, go to Any Way You Want It

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Michael J. Fox

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I just love Michael J. Fox. He is one of my all-time favorite actors.

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Oh yes, Michael J. Fox you can do no wrong with me. I love you and everything you have ever been in. Even when you wore horrible shirts in that film that made zero sense, High School U.S.A.; and the camp one, Poison Ivy.

Now you all know my favorite is Back to the Future, one of the best films ever and the best starring him.

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No one can beat the amazingnest he bring to the role of Marty McFly. It just wouldn’t be as cool without him.

And of course he isn’t a one hit wonder, I love everything else he has been in: Doc Hollywood, The Secret of My Success, Greedy, For Love or Money, Homeward Bound I & II,  The Frighteners, Atlantis, Teen Wolf, I could go on but should stop now.

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Besides his films he is an amazing writer. I’ve read all his  books and his style is so fresh and reads like a conversation. When you read his words he is so humble, caring, and completely honest. I enjoy his books as much as I love his films. I just love him.

For more on Michael J. Fox, go to The Future is NOW!: Happy Back to the Future Day

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The Riyria Revelations

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I was first introduced to this series on a giveaway on Goodreads. Like once a month I’ll go through and just enter to win free books. Often times, by the time they have picked a winner and are sending out the books, I’ve completely forgotten about it and am surprised to receive a package.

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One day I checked the mail and found a package for me. When I opened it up I saw that it was Theft of Swords the first volume in the Riyria Revelations by Michael J. Sullivan. I had totally forgotten ever entering any giveaway and was completely unsure as to what this book was.

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I looked it up on Goodreads and thought it sounded interesting so I decided to give it a read. I was unprepared for what I found.

OMG gasp

I LOVED IT!!!!! I started reading a few pages which quickly grew into the first book. I would have continued completing the second, but had homework.

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As I worked on it, all I could do was think about what was going to happen next. I quickly finished my work and went back to the book, reading long into the night.

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I finshed it, but then I needed the next book.

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Unfortunately I had to wait as my library didn’t have it, but a sister library did. It was agony! I just had to find out what happened and I needed to now!

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What made it even worse was that I knew NOBODY who liked it, making me suffer alone.

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Eventually the next book came in and was just as good as the first. I had to experience the same trauma waiting for the third volume, but it was worth it. Unfortunately, it was over too soon.

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I still kept it around as I didn’t want it to be over.

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So Volume 1: Theft of Swords contains the first two books.

Book 1: The Crown Conspiracy

Hadrian Blackwater and Royce Melbourn are thieves for hire. Hadrian is tall, broad shouldered, and a skilled swordsman; being an ex-solider and mercenary. Royce is althletic and wiry, once belonging to a gang of thieves his skills are quietly stalking, safe-cracking, etc. The two were introduced and while orginally disagreeable with each other, they became great teammates and best friends. Hardian has a strong moral code and sense of justice, while Royce is cautious and more of a planner. The two balance each other well.

One day they are hired to steal a sword, and when they go to retrieve it; they find themselves as scapegoats for the the murder of the King! His son and now king, Alric, locks them up, soon to be hanged. Unbeknownst to him, his sister Arista, sorcerer in training, frees them and has them join her in her quest to free a long ago locked up wizard. They set out on the quest, along with ateempting to find out who really set them up and what was their ulterior motives.

Book 2: Avempartha

A young, innocent, farm girl, Thrace; travels to find Hadrian and Royce to get their help. In her hometown there is a monster attacking, the only thing that can stop it being a sword. As the two are caught up in the schemes of the freed wizard Esrahaddon; Royce finds himself trying to enter an Elven tower, while Hadrian tries to rally the town folk to stop the beast. Things become more complicated as it appears there is a contest to detsroy the beast; the victor being the fulfillment of an age old prophecy and ruler of the world.

The second volume contains books 3-4, Volume II: Rise of the Empire

Book 3: Nyphron Rising

The traumatized and completely shell shocked Thrace has been crowned the fulfiller of the prophecy. People are backing her, which causes King Alric and his sister Arista to go to War. Arista once again hires the thieves, who discover that the only way they can emerge victorious is to discover the truth of Hadrian’s past.

Book 4: The Emerald Storm

Hadrian has discovered the mission he was born for and sets out to discover the true heir of Novron. His quest takes him onto a ship, setting out to find Merrick Mauris. Even though Royce hates going on ships, he joins him on the quest, for their “final trip”. As they sail out, they discover much more about the people they know and what the ulterior plans are, more than they ever expected.

The third volume contains books 5-6, Volume III: The Heir of Novron

Book 5: Wintertide

The New Empire, with the puppet empress Thrace, has decided to hold a victory celebration. The prepare to execute Degan Gault, leader of the rebels; along with the Witch of Melengar, Arista. After the execution, they prepare to marry Thrace off and later kill her. Unfortunate for them, Hadrian and Royce have returned to save Arista and the true Heir, preparing help place him on the throne.

Book 6: Percepliquis

This is it, the end. The thieves have decided to head out to the ancient ruins of Percepliquis, in order to gain the tools needed for the true Heir and to restore them to the throne. They are accompanied by a mass of friends from their previous adventures. But what happens next is a shock to all; and when the true heir is revealed will these characters be able to survive what happens next and pick up their lives after their adventures?

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These books were just so amazing. Not only do you have such fantastic and incredible adventures, but two extremely hot, loyal, and awesome men.

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I highly recommend to it all. Check it out!

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Sabrina the Teenage Witch

I grew up reading the comic in the Archie Comics magazine. This grew to the animated TV show and then of course the live action TV show that I absolutely loved.

Sabrina Spellman is a sixteen-year-old half witch living with her witch aunts and their cat Salem, a warlock banished into animal form.

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Every episode lasted a half hour and involved Sabrina getting into some type of shenanigans because of her powers and later trying to solve them.

The show was great until she went to college. They lost the funny characters and she was too mature and grounded in her magic.

Besides the amazing comedy, this show had one of the best pairings.

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Harvey and Sabrina forever. Harvey was just a regular guy; football quarterback, car mechanic, etc. But when he got with Sabrina, he’d find himself caught up in the craziness of her magic. Being turned into a silent film mountie, having to save her from a troll, turned into a frog, etc.

Through it all he just rolled with it and was always there for Sabrina. Love them.

Most of the episodes are on Youtube, and all are on Amazon Instant Watch. You should definitely give it a look.

For more on Sabrina the Teenage Witch, go to A River of Candy Corn Runs Through It: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1997)

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LifeasaFangirl

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For the previous post, go to It’s A Fan World After All

And Stay tuned for part 18

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For more book-filled posts, go to Folio Fatigue

I’m the Chosen One. And I Choose to be Shopping: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

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Buffy, you’re the guy. You are the chosen guy.

Right. I’m the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.

 So I’m sure a lot of you are surprised. What Buffy the Vampire Slayer is this? Well before we had this:

Go here to see which you belong in

We had this:

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In 1992, Joss Whedon’s idea of a Californian cheerleader finding out she was actually the vampire slayer of her generation, came to theaters. Only one problem, Whedon HATED it.

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In fact he hated it so much, that he was reported to walk off set one day and never come back.

ouch Hermione

Five years later, Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series came out, one that stayed true to his “vision”.

So What Went Wrong?

Apparently the screenwriters felt that Whedon’s story was too dark and depressing. They wanted it to be more of a horror-parody comedy, kind of like Heathers with vampires instead of a homicidal maniac. Whedon wasn’t interested in that, as you can tell with his much darker TV series.

Joss Whedon to a T

Joss Whedon to a T

So Is this Film Bad?

Let’s get down to the review and find out:

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The film starts out with a historical piece. A medieval woman who has the birthmark (a mole), proving she is the Vampire Slayer of this generation. We switch from a very serious moment of her asking to “become the blade”.

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And fighting Vampires.

Dracula

And then we switch to Los Angeles and a group of cheerleaders chanting.

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And Miss Buffy Summers, cheerleader extraordinaire, fashionista, and a total valley girl.

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Yeah, that is pretty much the essence of the movie. They try to pin together opposites. And is it horrible? No. I love it. It is so quirky and funny. And come on, a cheerleader by day and vampire slayer ay night? That’s awesome.

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So as I’m reading the credits and as I have seen this movie before I didn’t think think I would see anything important, but then Paul Reubens…wait, what?!

What! Mark Wahlberg that's weird

Pee-Wee is in a teen film? Pee-Wee Herman is in a vampire film? PEE-WEE?!!! PEE-WEE??!!! PEE-WEE HERMAN is in a TEEN VAMPIRE FILM?

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How could I have missed that? Huh. And Hilary Swank? Ugh! I hate her. Ever since she ruined the Karate Kid series.

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This was supposed to be her first film, so maybe she won’t be too bad. So Buffy and the gang go to the mall, shopping!

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And there is something you might notice in this scene. While this movie came out in 1992, we hadn’t completely crossed over from the ’80s. You can kind of see it in the stonewash, abundance of leather, and in the “gothic” clothes of the vampire and “uncool” crowd, but most of it looks like this:

80s

And I LOVE IT!

Anyways, so at the mall the girls are shopping when Buffy spots this totally rad jacket. And let me tell you, Buffy has a great sense of style

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Her friend Kimberly (Hilary Swank), and let me just stop her and say that unless you are a pink ranger, having the name Kimberly means you are EVIL. I don’t know why, it just seems to be a trait that carries on with a name.

you're evil

Anyways, she convinces her that the jacket is ugly and so yesterday.

How rude

When she is not shopping, she spends her time out with her jocky boyfriend, Jeffrey.

Jeffery is on the basketball team and one day after practice, his group splits up. Jeffery is heading over to hang out with Buffy, while two of the other guys go about town, and the last one, Robert heads home. And the route he chooses goes right through an abandoned amusement park.

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Come on dude! You are going to go through an abandoned AMUSEMENT PARK????!!!!!! You are just asking to be killed.

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And of course, he gets attacked by a Vampire and turned. Good-bye Robert.

Good-bye

Good-bye

So Jeffery is alright, but not altogether that interesting and handsome. Sorry dude, Luke Perry of the “uncoolness squad” is much better looking.

Luke Perry plays Pike, a leather wearing, motorcycle driving, mechanic. He lies above the garage that he works at. He is very dissatisfied with life him, only having one friend, Bennie (wonder if it is a nickname after the drugs, wouldn’t be surprised if it was), played by David Arquette (aw David, just can’t keep you out of Horrorfest). The boys spend most of their time drinking and making fun of those richer than them.

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We then jump back to historical times so that we can get more of a background of Lothos. Lothos is the head Vampire that has destroyed every prior slayer. He is over 800 years old and has the power to hypnotize his enemies.

Spoke too soon

So for Buffy everything is going as usual. The only thing she has to worry about is the senior dance.

Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.

Nicole: The homelesses?

Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.

Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren’t too depressing?

Buffy: Guys. The environment. I’m telling you, it’s totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting’s doing it.

You know that actually sounds difficult. From being on my high school’s prom comittee, I know that it is already hard enough trying to get the committee to come up with a theme and work on decorations and such. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to throw a “socially conscious” dance.

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Buffy & co run into the uncoolness squad and there is definitely one thing this movie did wrong, they made the “undesirable” guys, undesirable. I mean come on, there is a formula to this thing! They are supposed to be secretly charming and adorable. Not pigs and boring because they have zero character development!

Stop stop it now!

Both Pike and Bennie are super drunk and start hitting on the girls, incredibly gross style. Bennie even acts as if he is going to whip out his junk, and Buffy slices it.

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Turns out it was just a hotdog, but it just goes to show you that Buffy is intense. I would not want to mess with her.

So one night as Benny is going home, he gets attacked by a vampire and turned. He goes to the window and tries to get Pike to come out and join him, but even in his alcohol induced state, Pike can tell something is not right.

Benny: Let me in, Pike. I’m *hungry*!

Pike: Go home, Ben.

Benny: [whining] C’mon I’m hungry.

Pike: You’re floating! C’mon, man, get away from here!

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Pike can tell that things aren’t right and tries to leave the city, thinking anywhere is better than here. As he is fleeing town, he luckily is saved by a creepy dude.

You look like a pervert but I guess thank you?

You look like a pervert but I guess thank you?

 So life is going good for Buffy, until the same perverted-looking, old, creep comes to kidnap her.

Say What

Nah, it’s actually Donald Sutherland who is Buffy’s watcher, Merrick. But he looks like a pervert and sounds UBER CREEPY. He tells her that he can show her “the birthmark mole of slayer, if he can look on her body”, and “Come with me to the graveyard”.

Gilmore girls creep

Apparently Sutherland thought decided to rewrite his dialogue, I’m not sure which lines but I’m guessing these ones as they suck. He’s creepier than Nicholas Cage in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

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I mean did he not hear himself? Did he not hear how creepy he SOUNDS?!!!!!!!

The idea to update to a kindly, well-dressed, English, librarian was just perfect.

Music With it Giles Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy still doesn’t believe him. To prove it, Merrick tosses a knife at her and Buffy catches it.

Buffy: You threw a knife at my head!

Merrick: Yes, I had to show you.

Buffy: But… you *threw* a *knife* at my *head.*

Merrick: And you caught it. Only the chosen one could have caught it.

This scene is amazing. This is some Aragorn-awesomness right here.

So Buffy agrees to go down to the graveyard and wait for Robert to come out so she can kill him. Say what you want about this movie, but you have to admit this Buffy is pretty awesome. She’s tough, intense, and extremely brave.

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While they are waiting, Buffy gets bored and asks him for gum.I don’t know why, but that line just cracks me up.

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I think it is because Merrick is all super serious and trying to get Buffy to understand what’s happening, but Buffy is just bored.

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

Robert awakes and Buffy has to fight and take him down.

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Buffy may come off as a a stupid, silly cheerleader, but she can seriously kick butt. When Merrick gets attacked, Buffy takes out, not one but two Vampires.

Gotcha!

Afterwards, Buffy heads home for some serious relaxing with her boyfriend Jeffrey. There we meet her parents who are so out of it. Like in the film, Heathers, they are just selfish and only into themselves.

Buffy’s Mom: Bye-Bye Bobby!

Jeffrey: Bye! She thinks my name is Bobby?

Buffy: It’s possible she thinks *my* name’s Bobby.

I’m not sure which is worse, to have parents who completely ignore you and don’t seem to care a whit, OR a parent that ignores you most of the time, while punishing you the rest (Joyce Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series).

The plot thickens

So her parents go on their merry way, an Buffy + Jeffery spend the night together.

Mmhm great gatsby

We know what they’re doing

Later that night Buffy awakes to a strange man in her bed.

Say What

As Lothos is wakening, the past lives of Slayers are flooding into her and crossing over to her world. It is a very weird scene and for a while keeps you guessing as to what is real and what is all in her head.

Carnival of Souls Don;y know real

So Buffy and Merrick begin her training. Merrick is really hard on her as they have to make up their years of training. I just wonder who’s fault is that?

Mmhm great gatsby

They never explain why Merrick is just approaching Buffy now either. And since we are on the topic, Merrick sucks! He’s creepy, rude, and mean. He keeps pushing Buffy and blaming her, when she’s still trying to get her head around the fact that her life is completely different.

Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it’s swell. And you come along and tell me I’m a member of the hairy mole club so you can *throw* things at me?

Oh ’90s. When everyone was in love with Christian Slater. I know I was.

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Sorry for that, moving back on track.

So Buffy is upset with Merrick as he is pushing her too hard and punches him out.

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Buffy is a total knockout, literally as it only took one punch to take Merrick down.

Buffy: Oh, wow. I-I never hit anybody before.

Merrick: Really? Well you did it perfectly.

Buffy: I didn’t even break a nail.

Yep, Buffy is awesome!

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awesome

Merrick gives her some background information on Slayers and Watchers. A slayer is born every generation, being reincarnated when killed (so if you watch the beginning again you’ll notice that Kristy Swanson plays the historical slayer). Merrick trains the girls, watches them die, and then when his life is up he is reincarnated into Merrick the watcher again. A very sad existence if you ask me.

Sadface Batman

After this we get a training montage, Rocky style.

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Yep you always need a montage .

Buffy has accepted everything and gets super into her training. You know it’s actually not that far-fetched that a cheerleader could be this totally awesome fighter. To be a cheerleader you have to do gymnastics, lift weights; it can be INTENSE. And with Buffy, she works hard.

She’s also been hunting at night with Merrick, and one night runs into Pike.

So because of all her training, she’s been missing practices and dance committee meetings. As always in a teen movie, the principal assumes it’s drugs.

Gary: [Thinking Buffy is doing drugs] Hey, there’s nothing to be afraid of! I know where you’re coming from. Believe me. I’ll tell you the truth. I’ve had my drug experiences, too. I did a lot – I did some acid in the Sixties. Well, the late Seventies, actually. It was at a Doobie Brother’s concert… and I could see the music flowing into me, it was bright red and electric, and I felt like a big toaster, and I thought, maybe I am a toaster, we’re all molecules, and my friend Melissa, her head looked like a big party balloon, and that scared me, I started to freak out…

The sad thing is that this is probably the only thing in a teen film that actually resembles reality. When people in power act as if they are a “pal”. Ugh.

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So Buffy is really starting to feel the pressure of everything. She has Merrick constantly pushing her to do more and more; otherwise she won’t be ready and die. She has her boyfriend tired of the fact that she can’t spend her time with him, constantly getting mad at her. And she has her friends who don’t understand at all.

Kimberly: Buffy? What’s your sitch? You’re acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It’s too weird.

Buffy: Listen, a lot’s been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-…

Kimberly: Oh my god, you’re having an affair?

Nicole: Cool!

Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?

Buffy: It’s not about that. He’s, like, old. He’s fifty.

KimberlyNicoleJennifer: Ewwwww!

Jennifer: Gross!

Buffy: Haven’t you guys noticed what’s been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?

Nicole: What are you talking about?

Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?

Buffy: Pike.

Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you’re having an affair with him?

Jennifer: He doesn’t look fifty.

Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.

Darcy P&P OMG Can't Even

Yep, the pressure is mounting and to combat it, she goes Shawn Spencer on Merrick, quipping right and left.

Buffy: Does the word “duh” mean anything to you?

I love how sassy she is.

Mmhm great gatsby

To make everything worse, it looks like Buffy’s period has come.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

but it turns out that it is just her Slayer sense.

No thank youhowaboutno

Man that would suck.

Merrick: And you’re going to be able to use that to track them.

Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That’s just terrific. Thanks for telling me.

Merrick: It’s not a weapon. It’s an alert system.

Buffy: Well, aren’t we kung fu? I don’t see you out there killing any vampires.

Merrick: I play my part.

Buffy: You can play with your part all you want, but it’s my neck on the block.

That night Pike is wandering around inebriated. And let me tell you I am totally not digging Luke Perry. He’s cute but that’s not enough. All we’ve seen so far is him getting high, drunk, and be nasty.

ew! Gross Yuck

Now this is where the TV did a better job. Every person had a backstory. I mean when they brought Angel on to the show, they started him mysterious and cool, and then revealed his tragic backstory. We need MORE! We NEED a backstory! We NEED development!

come on

One night Pike is drunk, AGAIN, and gets attacked by vampires. Luckily Merrick and Buffy are there. They save his life, AGAIN. As you have probably figured out, with Buffy being the totally awesome Slayer, Pike is her damsel in distress. I mean it’s not like he doesn’t do anything, he helps Buffy fight, becoming her partner, but still gets into trouble a lot. He’s the Sam Winchester to her Dean.

sam_winchester___kidnapped_by_spartichi

After the help him, they defeat Lothos’ right hand man Amilyn, by pulling a Star Wars and cutting off his arm. Amilyn returns to the vampire lair, with the knowledge of Buffy being the Slayer.

Meanwhile, Buffy takes Pike to her home. Pike is homeless (hence the fact that he was working as a mechanic for a home). The thing that really bothers me is that we never find out why. Were his parents horrible and he emancipated himself? Did they die? Is he an orphan? WHAT IS HIS BACKSTORY!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that. Back to the film.

So at Buffy’s home, Pike starts going on how awesome she is, but Buffy is having a hard time keeping it together. She breaks down on and lets out all her feelings.

feelings

And while we haven’t had too much development other than he’s from “the wrong side of town” and a drunk, he just listens to everything she has to say. He doesn’t try to take advantage of her, put the moves on her-nope. All he does is listen.

How romantic

How sweet.

Instantly redeemed.

So the next day, Buffy is back to doing what she normally does. She is trying to hang out with her friends but the spawn of Satan, Kimberly (I’m telling you, don’t name your children that.)

you're evil

Has turned them agaist her. Her boyfriend is also mad and avoiding her.

Reality Sucks

And some football player grabs her for fun.

jerk

But Buffy is not having any of that. She totally takes him down, making him learn his lesson.

Don't mess with me!

Don’t mess with me!

Not kidding, after doing that this is what he says with a straight face: “I see the errors of my ways.” Hilarious & awesome!!!!

And I truly mean it

So something you might have noticed, is that there a quite a few people who have been turned into vampires. It is mostly those on the low side of the totem pole, you know the unpopulars. But there are a few popular kids too. I just wonder how no one has noticed. Well…I guess they do look pretty normal most of the time.

Hmmm....

Hmmm….

So Buffy is going back to her regular schedule as there is a basketball game.

vampireslayerbuffy

They do the cheer “how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose”. Now years back when I was in middle school and only a select few had cellphones that could not get on the internet, and you couldn’t get on the school computers unless for schoolwork, people came to me with their movie questions. Now I know what you’re thinking:

But it wasn’t like that. Although how AWESOME would that be?????!!!! SUPER AWESOME!!!!!

Anyways you all know how much I love film,

AmericanWerewolfinLondon

Well everyone at school did too. So one of the girls was a cheerleader and they were bringing back the “how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose” cheer. She knew it was a famous cheer and came to to find out which film it was from. I couldn’t remember the film it was first in, and when I saw this film years later i was like “of course, duh.” Oh well.

oh well

oh well

Anyways, back to the game. So Buffy is cheerleading when she notices something weird. One of the players looks completely different. It turns out that one of the guys has been turned, and as the adreneline starts pumping he starts vamping out.

Dracula

And as he does so, he also starts becoming an awesome basketball player. I guess like in Teen Wolf, becoming something not human increases basketball skills?

Buffy is the only one to realize that he’s a vampire and ends up chasing him down. She finds herself in some weird place which is Lothos hideout. This is the worse place for a lair. I’m not kidding. Like there is a giant horse plant structure, and the whole place is just too obvious to be a secret hideout. Then again this is the most flamboyant Vampire I have ever seen, and he doesn’t care what others think of him.

Favorite Lydia Bennet

Buffy meets Lothos and begins fighting with him, when he puts her in a trance and is about to kill her.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Merrick can’t stand that and interferes. A big watcher NO-NO. Watchers are supposed to train and then watch, no interfering.

And Lothos can’t have that. So he kills him.

Say What

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????!!!!!!!!! THEY JUST KILLED THE WATCHER!!!!! CAN THEY DO THAT???

He’s not really dead is he? Is he? He is! He is DEAD???!!! WHAT??!!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED???!!!

What! Mark Wahlberg that's weird

Lothos and his horde leave, while Buffy hears Merrick’s dying words. He tells her she’s special and to d things HER way.

Buffy is shocked at the death and completely heartbroken.

right in the feels broken heart

She sufferes from shock of everything and wants to be done slaying. It scares her and hurts her and she just wants out.

idon'tgotthis

She tries to hang out with her friends, but just finds them shallow and vapid. They are also selfish as they don’t want to invite every senior to the dance. Just the cool ones. She yells at them and takes off.

Darcy P&P OMG Can't Even

Her boyfriend is still ignoring her as well. She decides she is just going to be a “normal” girl and goes shopping for a dress. While she is searching for the perfect gown, she runs into Pike. The two have a huge fight as Pike can’t believe she is backing out and letting the world down.

Pike: Buffy, you’re the guy. You are the chosen guy.

Buffy: Right. I’m the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.

Buffy just wants to be in denial as she is too scared. If she fights she will get hypnotized and die, maybe causing the death of others. If she doesn’t fight then Lothos and his group might kill a ton of people. What’s a girl to do.

I don't know what to do

After the two storm off, we discover that Benny has been hiding in the phone booth. He overheard everything and returns to the master to tell him all about it. When the master hears, he is estatic about the party and chooses it to be the best final moment of Buffy’s life.

So while Buffy is getting ready for the dance, Pike has decided to step up to the plate. He returns to his home above the mechanic shop, and grabs every bit of wood he can find, turning them into stakes.

Get ready for this!

Get ready for this!

So while I have complained about his lack of background (and it still bothers me) every scene after the one when he listened to Buffy he has risen up and up in my esteem.

How romantic

How romantic

So Buffy goes to the dance and I absolutely love her outfit. She has her hair back in a no-nonsense bun, a beautiful puffy white dress, and boots. Yes boots.

princesswearsbootscowboycowgirlIt’s as if she subconsciously wanted to be ready in case something should happen.  Her boots are actually white boxing boots

I can look pretty and feminine and kick butt.

I can look pretty and feminine and kick butt.

It’s awesome how hardcore she is.

Take note Hollywood

Take note Hollywood

So she goes over to her boyfriend, to ask why he didn’t pick her up for the dance. And it turns out that since she wasn’t around to give him what he wanted, he broke up with her on her machine and started dating her friend.

Buffy: You left me a message?

Jeffrey: You weren’t home! Like always.

Buffy: You broke up with my machine?

What a loser.

Jerk

Come on, really? That’s so wrong. He’s a loser to the max. And how could her friend date him? That’s breaking the code!

How rude

 The two leave to have sex in the parking lot and Buffy is left all alone. But not for long as Pike comes to the dance, dressed up in a button up shirt, slacks, and his leather jacket.

swoon dreamy

He brings Buffy flowers and asks her to dance with him.

How romantic

How romantic

Okay, just gained 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 points! That was so sweet of him coming to the dance, especially since he’s not into that sort of thing but did it because he knew it would make her happy!

Perfect Boyfriend

The Vampires come to the dance. Pike gives Buffy all his stakes and his jacket, while she rips her dress so it is shorter and doesn’t constrict movement. She runs to warn everyone to close the doors, as if we don’t invite them in they are unable to come. One problem, she forgot about an earlier conversation.

Buffy: Don’t worry. They can’t come in unless they’re invited.

Kimberly: I already invited ’em. [Buffy looks at her] They’re seniors!

Yes, Buffy was being a good person telling her friends to invite all seniors, and unknowingly just caused one huge problem.

clueless mybad oops

Now when the Vampires come in we really reach a horror/comedy pinnacle. A Com-Ror as I like to say. It’s cheesy, but fun.

dean whinchester shrug smile oh well

Except for the Vampire DJ, that was dumb.

No thank youhowaboutno

So the fight begins. Some parts are silly, others creepy. I still haven’t gotten over seeing Pee-Wee Herman as a vicious vampire. It’s just does not compute that this is the same guy.

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Benny tries to convince Pike to turn vampire, and in a bizarre way, channels Christian Slater’s character J.D from Heathers. Talking about people being sheep and this chaos is better, etc. That makes Pike his Winona/Veronica. The only problem is that Benny is nowhere near as hot.

So they kids inside are following Pike and Buffy’s lead trying to take down the vampires, while Buffy heads out to do a throwdown with Lothos.

She takes down Pee-Wee, his right hand man (horrible death scene) and heads down to Lothos. The two fight, with Buffy surprising him with a flame torch made out of hairspray and a cross.

AWESOME!!!

AWESOME!!!

She then stakes him! BUFFY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

buffythevampireslayer

She and Pike ride off on his motorcycle, as the dumb principal hands out detention slips to the dead vampires:

Gary: [Throwing detention slips on the dead vampires] Detention [Walks to another body]… detention [Walks to another body]… detention. [Throws 2 more slips on the same body. Says quickly]Detention, detention.

And the rest of the group is interviewed about what happened.

TheEnd_Title_2

So How Does It Hold Up?

Some parts of it seem a bit underdeveloped, mainly backstories of the characters. And at times it can be cheesy or silly, but on a whole I loved it.

Say What

Yes, I LOVED IT!!!!! The series on a whole is better, as it has more time to devote to the characters, but this movie was awesome. Buffy is incredible.

buffythevampireslayer

It’s a great film if you are looking for something funny and silly, but with a horror twist.

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1992BUFFYTHEVAMPIRESLAYERD

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To start Horrorfest IV from the beginning, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It Has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

For the previous post, go to Psycho Strangers: The Girl He Met Online (2014)

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For more on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, go to Heaven on Earth

For more on vampires, go to Monster Movie: Supernatural (2008)

For more Com-Rors, go to Someone Very Special: The Addams Family Values (1993)

For more David Arquette, go to Don’t F*** with the Original: Scre4m (2011)