Every Three Thousand Years, the Stars Align. Unleashing an Army of Monsters: TMNT (2007)

Every three thousand years, the stars align. Unleashing an army of monsters.

If you’ve been following me you’ve read this already, but for the new readers I’m giving a little background as to why I choose a TMNT film. If you have seen it already, feel free to skip ahead

So this is our second installment of four reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ films.

So I know those of you who haven’t been following me, and have stumbled upon this post are probably really confused. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? As a horror film? NO WAY.

I know you are all saying to yourselves, hey this is a superhero movie, not a horror film. Au contraire, you see the turtles are radioactively enhanced to be larger; agile, smarter, etc. In fact the only thing that separates them from other radioactively changed creatures: such as the ants in Them, the giant spider in the Tarantula, or even Godzilla. They choosing to use their abilities for good and be superheroes doesn’t change the fact of how they were made.

So last week I started with the 2014 film as it contained a lot of horror film components, as these turtles are engineered in a lab instead of accidentally created, just like Frankenstein.

Today we are doing the 2007 version/remake. In this one we have a lot of horror film components, I mean we have giant stones turning into monsters and trying to destroy New York City. So no use waiting around:

The Review

So as you know I hate remakes and sequels.

I was not excited about this film coming out at all. It’s going to suck. I just knew I would hate it.

But my nephew loved the film and wanted me to watch it with him when it came out. What are you gonna do? It’s family!

But I was right. It was horrible.

So the film starts off with long narration about an Aztec warrior finding a portal to another dimension granting him immortality but his generals were turned to stone. It also released 13 monsters, everything from Bigfoot to the Jersey Devil.

Flashforward to present times, after the defeat of the Shredder, the turtles have broken up.

Yes…I’ll get to that later. So Leonardo was sent to central America to train to be a leader and hasn’t returned. Since then, the remaining turtles have been working

Yes…I know. More later. With Raphael doing vigilante things at night.

April is working as a relic acquirer

And not a reporter

Yes…I know. More later. She runs into Leonardo and convinces him to come back. He does and him and Raphael fight all the time.

OVERDONE

April delivers the statue she find to the uber rich Max Winters, makes me think of Shreck from Batman Returns, and he hires the Foot clan to hunt down the 13 monsters.

The Generals awaken and help hunt down the monsters, but when they discover they won’t be immortal with all 13, they want to betray Winters.

Thanks to Casey, they’ve discovered the Aztec warrior is Winters and try to help him. Meanwhile Leonardo hates the vigilante Raphael is secretly, and tries to stop him. When he finds out it is Raphael, the two fight and Leonardo ends up getting captured by the generals as the 13 monster.

And in the end they save the day, destroy the monsters, and reunite.

So why did I hate it? Let’s count down!

1) CGI

The CGI was horrible. They looked awful and boxy and just bad. I would have preferred 2D. I mean look at Casey, his whole face and body, just no.

Not the right one.

And it’s not like CGI was still working out the kinks. I mean you had some good stuff like Ratatouille, Meet the Robinsons, I mean even the dumb movies like The Bee Movie and Alvin and the Chipmunks had good CGI. This was just bad.

2) Instead of the Turtle Background We are Focusing on Aztec Warrior Meets Monsters Meets Multiple Dimensions

WOW

I know this is so strange. They give the turtle background as to who they are, how they were created, and such like three lines! Three LINES!

Four turtles. Four brothers. Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York. Named after the Renaissance masters and trained as ninjas.

And then we are supposed to give our attention to this Yactl or whatever, his generals turning into stone, immortality gift, blah blah…

Blah, blah

Our full attention?

I PAID TO SEE A TURTLE FILM!!! I WANT THE TURTLES!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

I mean really, out of all the comic written, this is the back story you want to give us???!!! OUT OF EVERYTHING??? Who was paid to write that? If it had been up to me, as soon as I read that, they would have been FIRED!!!

3) Why Was the Main Warrior Not Turned to Stone?

So how come Yactl was not turned to stone but all the generals were? They never really seem to explain why he was the only one given the immortality. Then again maybe they did, but my mind glazed over when I had to pay attention to the most non-turtle Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film.

Yes film you are so bad you are forcing me to reference not just the Master of Disguise, but its stupidest scene to talk about how I feel.

4) The Turtles are Split Up

Hey guys let me point you to the title of the comics and the films: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes did you get that? TurtleS!!!!!!! TurtlesSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT!!!!!! THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MORE THAN ONE TURTLE FIGHTING!!!

It is so stupid! It makes no sense!!!!

Yes, they split the turtles up and send Leonardo to South America, why I don’t know. It’s dumb, it makes no sense, just argh!. They are supposed to be a team! When I paid for my ticket I paid to see four turtles not one on his own. And it makes no sense why they would split them up? Like seriously, who wanted that. Did any of these people read the comics or watch the TV show/films. I mean seriously!!!

Let’s move on…

5) April is Not a Reporter but Tomb Raider

April is not a reporter…

Yes April is not a reporter…

April is not a reporter but a tomb raider…

Yes no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds dumb. Why isn’t she a reporter? I mean how could she even go from reporter to tomb raider. It’s not like she’s an archeologist or anthropologist, or knows any of that stuff at all. And I SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A REPORTER!!!!!

And to ease the suckage of this film

6) The Turtles Have Jobs

WHAT!

The TURTLES have JOBS?!!!!!!

Just end the film here because that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

So you are telling me GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES with no social security numbers, good contact info, experience, etc are able to have jobs?

And let’s just forget about the social security number, experience, education; you know all those things you need to work and focus on this tiny little issue: GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES!!!!!!!!!

How do GIANT, MUTANT, GREEN, TURTLES get jobs? Huh HOW?!!!!!!!!!! This is just so stupid that if I think about it any longer my IQ will drop.

7) Why is Raphael the Nightwatcher?

So Raphael is the only one continuing to fight crime and be a ninja superhero. But instead of continuing as himself, he has faux batman gear and even takes on a faux Batman name with Nightwatcher (similar to Nightwing). I mean why does he even have to dress up? He is a giant turtle!!! And why hide it? Just because Leonardo is gone they can’t be vigilantes anymore? That makes NO SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are driving me insane!!!!

8) No Shredder

While its true you don’t have to have a Shredder to make a TMNT film, you notice how much they suck when they don’t have one. Like this movie, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. I mean Shredder and Turtles just go together, it’d be like making macaroni and cheese with no macaroni.

9) The Convoluted Plot

It feels like they spend hours talking about Yactl, the monsters, dimensions, blah blah blah.

I totally checked out from this film. I mean I came to see TMNT, not all this useless drivel they keep trying to push. Just dumb, dumb, dumb.

10) Raphael and Leonardo Fight Over Who is the Leader

Ugh I hate this plot thread. It is too:

OVERDONE

I mean it worked in the first film, but because of that it doesn’t mean you have to do it non-stop!! Just do something else. I swear that if I see this repeated one more time in a TMNT film(not counting the 2014 one) I will be held responsible for me actions.

ARRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!

11) The End

It was horrible, dumb, and I didn’t like it. The only thing that was good was that it was over!

Good-bye forever!

Yes this film was horrible, just horrible. I mean it was so bad, it made the 2014 film look good. For all their faults, at least they tried to make a TMNT film that actually centered on the TMNT.

Well that’s it for this post. Next week I’ll be reviewing the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film. How does it compare? How does it hold up? Well, all those questions will be answered in seven days.

To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to The Butcher of Burtonsville High: The Death of the Queen Bee, Bones (2010)

For more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go to Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

For more sucky remakes, go to Don’t F*** With the Original: Scre4m (2011)

For more alternate dimensions, go to There’s Nothing Out There. Nothing in the Mist: The Mist (2007)

In other news today is our 800th post

For the 700th post, go to Fan-do or Fan-don’t. There is No Fan-try

For the 600th post, go to There Are Thirteen Chairs at the Table…And That’s Unlucky: Mystery of the 13th Guest (1943)

Return of the Fandom

So we are back with our usual scheduled fandom posts. Here are another group of things I have fandomed over. I hope they strike your FANcy and that you check them out for yourselves.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Go here to see what movie you are

I am a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (TMNT) fan.

In fact, as I am currently writing this I am wearing my TMNT shirt. Yeah I fandom to the extreme.

Not in a sewer extreme, but you get my point.

So for those of you who for some strange reason might not know who the Turtles are; they are a group of four boy turtles who are raised by a rat named Splinter. He named them after the great artists: Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael, and Michelangelo. They come across some mutagen, and become more humanlike. Splinter teaches them ninjutsu and they become vigilante superheroes; saving the people of New York. One of their biggest villains is the leader of the Foot clan and the man who killed Splinter’s owner,Oroku Saki, also known as the Shredder.

So I grew up watching the ’80s TV show and while very silly it was a lot of fun. You have the four turtles who are reared by Splinter, solving crime and kicking Shredder butt. For those of you who have never watched this, Shredder is aided by his two dumb as rock minions, RockSteady and Bebop, a mutant rhino and warthog; along with a banished brain alien from Dimension, Krang. They also aasist April in outwitting her annoying, egotistical, jerk of a coworker, Vernon.

The boys team up with the awesome April O’Neil, along with her friend Irma (who has a crush on one of the turtles. Even though she is older and a girl). And of course the amazing Casey Jones, vigilante athlete.

And let’s not forget that the show had one great theme song!

Now while I liked the show, I LOVED the TMNT movies of the ’90s. I used to watch them over and over again;

And my sister, friends, and I would act them all out. I was always Donatello.

The first two in the series: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) were the best in the series. The characters were played perfectly. In the first film we have a great introduction and backstory into how the turtles were created and learned to be ninjas. In the second they see the return of Shredder and having to fight other mutant beings.

The third one they go back in time to Japan. It isn’t horrible, but not as nearly as awesome as the first two.

In fact I urge you to watch the 1990 film as it really was just so, so, so, so amazing.

I hated the newer film TMNT (2007) as it sucked and made no sense at all. And don’t get me started on the Michael Bay version, as they look creepy and I hate Megan Fox. In fact I have decided that this October I am going to review all the live action TNMT films. As they have been mutated, they fall under a horror film.

But besides those horrible later depictions, I have always loved the turtles and wished they were real and that I could hang out with them.

For more on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, go to Pizza Power

 The Thorn Birds

So my friend was really into the Thorn Birds, I had never heard of it before. She suggested we watch it,

but unfortunately she didn’t own it, it was too much for us to buy, and our university library didn’t have it. But our county library did, although only on VHS. Luckily I had a VHS player so that was okay.

Strangely, someone else was watching the mini series while we were. We had to wait for the next installment, almost like how it would to watch it when it aired.

So the series is a historical romance. It begins in the early 20th century when the Cleary family moves to Australia. Paddy Cleary and his wife have four sons and one daughter, Meggie. Paddy’s sister, Mary, owns a huge ranch, and offers him a job there.

When they arrive the meet the very handsome priest, Ralph de Bricassart (Richard Chamberlain), who has been sent to the ends of the earth for insulting a bishop. He is very ambitious and has befriended Mary in order to woo out a dig donation so he can go back to “civilization.” Mary lusts after Ralph and wants him, but he refuses to break his vows for her.

Not everything is happy in the Cleary family. Mrs. Cleary, Fee, loves her oldest son Frank the most and ignores her other children, except for treating Meggie cruelly. Paddy loves his sons, except Frank, and ignores Meggie as well.

The youngest son, Hal dies; and Frank is revealed to not be Paddy’s son, but the child of his mother and her lover. When he left her and she found out she was pregnant, her wealthy family married her off to the stablehand who was in love with her. After this comes out Frank leaves the home to find his own fortune.

Meanwhile, Ralph has been taking care of Meg at the parsonage; making sure she has the attention and care a child needs. Meg idolizes Ralph and crushes on him. Meggie grows, the two develop feelings for each other and Ralph tries to stay far away from her. Mary notices the attraction and writes two wills, one in which Paddy inherits 13 million and one where it all goes to the Catholic Church. She gives both to Ralph who must decide on what to do.

There is a lot more betrayal, love, bad decisions, and drama in the series, but I don’t want to give it all to you. It was a pretty good show, with interesting characters. A little soap operay, but still interesting. And of course the main reason why I kept watching, Richard Chamberlain. That man was built to perfection.

Touched by an Angel

This was one of my favorite TV shows of the ’90s. I used to watch this all the time.

The TV show is about three angels who are sent on Earth to help bring guidance or messages from God. The first angel is Monica (Roma Downey) who is young and inexperienced angel. She takes on an every day job to get closer to her person, and approaches them when they are in the crossroads of a decision. Her older mentor Tess (Della Reese) is there to make sure she doesn’t reveal herself to be an angel too early.

There was also the angel Andrew (John Dye) who I absolutely loved, but was always sad to see as he was the Angel of Death, there to take a life to heaven.

It was a truly great and inspirational show. Netflix and Amazon, bring it to streaming!

Twin Peaks

Twin Peaks was an awesome show that had, sadly, a very short run. It was directed and written by David Lynch who loved to do things about beautiful perfect places, that have secrets and dark things under the surface.

It starts with a young, perfect, beautiful, straight-A student, Laura Palmer body being found. Why would anyone want to kill her? It turns out that her murder is similar to others that have occurred, bring in FBI agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlen) to investigate.

When he gets to the town he discovers a crazy group of characters as he searches for the truth. Everything from adultery, betrayal, prostitution, investment schemes, drugs, etc. lie underneath the peaceful scenery.

Agent Dale Cooper, how can I describe him?

To see who you are, go here.

is the absolute best as he is adorable, strong, brave, courageous, poetic, intelligent. Just dreamy…I love him.

There are a lot of great supporting cast too. I really like Audrey Horne. Little rich girl, but trying to be more. I just loved her and Dale together, but I know it would never work as she is too young. She is a really great character.

I also loved the Donna and James storyline, but the actress who played Donna originally was replaced. I liked the first person better.

Some people think this show is too “dramatic” but it revolutionized TV, and a lot of later mystery shows we have today never would have been created. Without its groundbreaking there would be no Veronica Mars, The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, etc.

And for those who are major fans like me, you’ll love the Psych parody episode, Dual Spires in which a large portion of the original cast was willing to guest star.

And I am so excited that it is coming back. I just can’t wait until it is up!

For more Twin Peaks, go to Stranger Things Have Happened

For more on the Nostalgia Critic, go to Gypsy Justice: Thinner (1996)

For the previous post, go to The Fan, The Girl

And Stay tuned for part 25