You’re Kids. I’m a Vampire!: Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire (2000)

Seven years ago a I did a 30 Day Disney challenge and one of the prompts was your favorite DCOM (Disney Channel Original Movie). I didn’t talk too much about this film as I planned to review it in October of that year, but I didn’t, so finally after all these years I’m going to share my thoughts on this film.

I wouldn’t normally have two vampire movies next to each other (tomorrow I will be posting my review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I), but as usual-I’m nearing the end of Horrorfest X and I’ve fallen behind in some of my reviews. So we are just going to end up with a double dose of vampires this weekend. That’s okay, I’m prepared.

And today my review is so late as I shared the film with my niece. The two of us watched it and had some tea (today’s 31 Days of Hallotean prompt)

I remember being so excited when this film came out as I had been eagerly awaiting it. And when my brother shared his Disney+ password with me, the very first things I watched were The Phantom of the Megaplex and Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire.

This film had so many people in it too, which also made it exciting! It had Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny, Lizzie McGuire’s dad, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s aunt. Rewatching it as an adult I realized it also has the actor who was Gary Giggles in Spy Kids 2.

Adam Hansen (Matt O’Leary [Gary Giggles]), is big into monsters and loves to watch horror films and the like. Instead of doing his homework like he was supposed to, he watched vampire films. The next day he has no paper and instead presents his history paper on Malachi Van Helsing, Vampire Hunter. Mom, Lynette Hansen (Carolyn Rhea [Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s aunt]) isn happy and grounds him.

From Nightmare on Elm Street

His sister, Chelsea, heard about his “report” and belief in the supernatural and calls him a dweeb. Her mom hears this and Chelsea is also grounded and now she has to break a date with her boyfriend Peter to the Harvest festival. She’s not happy, but mom won’t budge.

The next day at school, Adam’s friend-who I just realized is the same actor who played the jerk Craig Manning on Degrassi: The Next Generation. Ooh his character makes me so mad for how he treated Ashley and Manny. Anyways I digress, his best friend, Duffy, has tickets to see Adam’s favorite band at the Harvest festival this weekend. There is no way he can talk his mom into letting him go, but maybe if he can distract her with something else?

So Chelsea and Adam try to plot a way to distract their mom in order to have fun this weekend and decide maybe they will be able to if they can get her to go out on a date.

But where to find a date? Adam decides to check the personals in the tabloid magazine he subscribes to (the one he found the Van Helsing article in). They find a weirdo, but settle on matching up the mom with an ad that sounds pretty good.

Continental gentleman, handsome, debonair, suave. Enjoys long strolls beneath the full moon. Loves adventure, travel, wild animals, and women who long for romantic nights that will never end. Hates Italian food and turtlenecks. Wolfsbane@netherlink.pro.

As a kid I remember thinking, hates Italian food so weird (I’m part Italian so of course I eat a lot of it). As an adult all I can think is this is a movie so of course he’s debonair and suave but in real life he would probably be nothing like his ad describes him.

They arrange to meet him at the grocery store and plan to trick mom into talking to him. They see a few single men-one dressed in a trench and fedora looking like Harry Dresden from The Dresden Files, but before they can continue with their plotting mom bumps into Dr. Dimitri Dentatos (Mr. Sheffield from The Nanny [Charles Shaughnessy]). As a kid I was like, oh it’s Mr. Sheffield from The Nanny of course the mom thinks he’s handsome. As an adult I’m like wow, mom found a man who is suave, debonair, nice, and looks like Charles Shaughnessy; no wonder she’s like yes I’ll go out with you tomorrow even though I don’t you.

Also I completely forgot that he was a doctor in this, so now this meme has popped into my head.

But this man is not the perfect dreamboat that Lynette thinks he is. He is actually a vampire, as the youngest Hansen, Taylor, watched him transform into a bat. Of course, no one believes him.

It turns out that Adam’s friend gave his ticket away. Since he can’t afford he trades a date with his sister to his friend’s older brother. Yeah, Adam is quite the jerk.

Saturday night comes and Dimitri arrives unable to come in unless invited in. He and the mom leave for dinner while Adam and Chelsea plan to call a babysitter and leave Taylor at home.

Taylor, however, decides that he will go save him mom. First he tries to get Adam to help him, but no dice. Then he calls up Van Helsing from the number left in the article and leaves a message. As a last ditch effort, he bikes after his mom to warn her. Adam and Chelsea follow him as if mom finds out they are not staying home grounded-the date will be over and they will be in even more trouble.

Meanwhile, Van Helsing is hunting the vampire and uses this cool coal trick or something to track him.

Wow!

Taylor will not leave as he is not convinced at all that Dimitri is not a vampire. The only way to convince him to go is to prove it. Of course no one takes Taylor seriously and they come up with a “spoon test”, which Dimitri passes. Taylor now satisfied agrees to go home, but as they leave the restaurant Adam notices that Dinitri doesn’t have a reflection. Uh oh, it turn out Taylor was right. He is a vampire!

That’s not good.

Adam convinces Chelsea to break her date and help him save their mom, they follow the two. Dimitri and Lynette are not having a ton of fun together as they have nothing in common, although Dimitri clearly wants to take her somewhere alone…and drink her blood!

Lynette takes Dimitri to a rockabilly club and Adam tries to keep her safe by tricking a guy into asking her to dance-but unfortunately Dimitri uses his vampire powers to make him leave instead. Adam then points Lynette out to the band and she goes up on stage and sings. While she’s preoccupied, Adam tells the security guard that Dimitri is a stalker and the bouncer gets rid of him. But not for long-he’s a vampire.

From Dracula

Back at the Hansen house, Van Helsing has checked his messages and he been trying to get a hold of Taylor but can’t get through as the baby-sitter has it tangled up. Van Helsing heads off to look where he thinks that a Vampire would be hiding out at, while Taylor follows and stows away in his car.

Chelsea who has been waiting outside the Rockabilly club sees him climb the wall: cool, creepy and the effects are still good.

So when Dimitri was thrown out of the club he broke Adam and Chelsea’s bikes having a little tantrum. They call Duffy, Boomer, and Duffy’s brother. Boomer reveals the “deal” and Chelsea is furious at him. She is 100% in the right. Although they make up rather quickly and resume the search for their mother.

Lynette has had a wonderful night out with Dimitri and thanks him for helping her to have fun again, but then she rejects him as they have little in common and she’s just not attracted to him. This makes Dimitri confused and angry so he puts Lynette in a trance to make her come home with him. The kids see this and try to stop him. Dimitri does a really creepy Vampire speed run and threatens Adam.

Dimitri tries to take Lynette to his lair, but Adam’s friends have sabotaged his car. Adam and Chelsea call a cab and head off to the Mather House.

At Dimitri’s lair, the kids look for a way to defeat him. Adam gets the idea to steal his coffin which is a really smart one, and put it in the lake. Vampires cannot cross bodies of water unless they are in their coffin, they must rest in dirt from their native soil (in their coffin), and during the day reside in their coffin. It’s a triple whammy and opens Dimitri up to negotiations. I really liked that they kept with this vampire lore, especially as Adam is supposed to be a monster expert.

Adam tries to trade foe his mom, but Dimitri grabs his sister. Adam has no choice but to give the coffin back as otherwise Dimitri will kill at least one of his family members. While they are in their standoff Van Helsing and Taylor arrive which distracts Dimitri.

Adam, Chelsea, and Taylor plead with their mom which awakens her from her trance (love is stronger) and they defeat him.

After their adventures, they invite Van Helsing over for breakfast and all ends well.

This film was super cute and adorable when it first came out and is still a really fun watch. I love it and recommend it!

For more vampire films, go to Edward and Jacob Fight Over Who Should Be With Bella, And We Get Jasper’s Back Story: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse (2010)

For more Disney Channel Original Movies, go to A Modern Mummy: Under Wraps (1997)

Edward and Jacob Fight Over Who Should Be With Bella, And We Get Jasper’s Back Story: The Twilight Saga, Eclipse (2010)

So as I said in my review of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga”. I remember when they came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays for Horrorfest X. This is my first time watching them and I do not understand why people like this films. I just do not get it at all.

Huh?

I find them to be really boring and to not make any sense at all. I would actually like to not finish this series, but you know me. When I start something I have to complete it. So here we go with film three.

So we start this film off very different than the others. Some dude we don’t know is walking in the rain, and gets knocked over by a vampire. There is screeching, fighting, etc. I don’t know if that’s how the book starts, but this makes me feel like some studio head did a survey and the charts said that they needed more action.

I’m done

We then switch to Bella and I’m tired of her saying all these deep quotes and laying in the fields and grass. It looks so uncomfortable.

This interaction between Bella and Edward is weird as she is nagging him about turning her and I thought this was all solved in the last film when he agreed to turn her if she married him. Why are they still fighting over this?

We are still on this?

Oh it’s a problem because it turns out Bella doesn’t believe in marriage.

What??

So she doesn’t believe in marriage because her parents are divorced and half of marriages end in divorce; basically she’s not sure they will last forever. Yet even though she’s like “I don’t know if I want to be with you forever”, she also tells him she does want to spend forever with him and needs her to turn her into a vampire.

Like Edward, this girl is crazy! Run from her, run far from her! But he won’t. And you know why? Because this sums Edward up in one image.

So her dad doesn’t know what has been going on (with the vampire/werewolf things) but knows something isn’t quite right and like a good dad senses this relationship with Edward is not beneficial to his daughter. While he doesn’t want to push too hard, as she is 18 and an adult, he does start laying down some rules: such as a curfew and having Bella hang out with her friends and not just Edward. Good for him. I really like Charlie Swan, he’s probably my favorite character.

Bella decided to go visit Jacob on the reservation, as he won’t return her calls since he is still mad about her wanting to become a vampire. But Edward won’t allow this stops her car to stop her. This is horrible as this relationship is super toxic.

Edward acts really weird trying to get Bella to leave Forks but like why not tell her why? It’s plot lines like this that I can’t stand. Bella agrees to go but only if Edward goes with her. Bella visits her mom in Florida and her mom is horrible as she is every encouraging of this dangerous relationship. Edward’s behavior is really disconcerting. The way he stares and always watching isn’t romantic but gives me flashbacks to when I was in an abusive relationship.

Back in Forks, Victoria has arrived and that is why they sent Bella away. The vampires try to kill her but she runs into wolf territory and gets into a little skirmish. Jacob shows up warns the Cullens to stay off the Rez.

I really don’t like how Edward doesn’t want Bella to be around Jacob. It really bugs me how he tries to control who her friends are. He’s extremely controlling.

Bella goes to visit the pack anyway and talks to Jacob and learns more about the werewolves. Jacob describes imprinting and it is really weird. Like the way he describes it, does not stop how creepy it is that he does it later with a baby. Also it makes it even creepier that Sam imprinted on Emily when she was an adult while Jacob does it to a BABY!

I like that Jacob tries to convince Bella not to turn into a vampire. He brings up valid points that Bella needs to think about. She hasn’t even lived, how does she know she wants to spend the rest of her like with Edward? And will she be okay with never having children. And does she even care that her being turned will destroy a contract that the vampires and werewolves made and start a giant war between them. No she doesn’t think about those things and he doesn’t even care that these people she cares about could die because she’s selfish.

Yep Bella don’t care about anybody but herself, and keeps nagging Edward to turn her. But like Bella doesn’t care that Edward doesn’t want to steal her soul, he doesn’t want her to go to hell, he hates living forever, etc.

Jacob and Bella are hanging out and Jacob admits his feelings for Bella. He gets really upset when she says she feels nothing for him and I don’t blame him as she lead him on in the previous film. I mean she was all up on him, touching his abs a lot, etc.

Later that evening Rosalie tries to talk sense into Bella as she doesn’t understand what is going to be given up and what she’ll never have in the end.

Rosalie’s story is so sad. She was supposed to get married but was raped by her fiancé and his friends. After she was turned she gets her revenge on the men, and dressed as a bride too! Good for her. I SO wish she continued her revenge and became a vigilante that continuing killing abusive men. I would 100% read/watch that! Like turn that backstory into

Meanwhile in Seattle, Victoria is building a vampire army. Now the Volturi is supposed to be taking care of things like this but instead are like the UN not doing anything. They just want to let the world burn, what happened to law and order?

We switch from that plot to graduation and Anna Kendrick’s speech is really bad and there is no way they would let them her do that as they have to approve all the speeches.

Bella goes to the graduation party and Jacob shows up with his friends. Bella gets really mad and Jacob apologizes for his earlier poor choices. He brings her a cute wolf charm, and those are super expensive. When I went to Montana all the Native American crafts were SUPER pricey, especially if you can prove it have been made by Native Americans.

Alice gets a vision at the the party that vampires are coming and the werewolves have decided they will stop the army. Bella is mad and tries to get Edward to stop them, but Bella the vampires can’t tell wolves what to do, he’s not the boss of them.

Edward is all mad at her for wearing Jacob’s cute little wolf charm but I’m like settle down Edward those are cute. Again extremely controlling.

We then get the newborn mythology and Jasper training. What is with this training scene. Why didn’t they just do this at home, why do they need it to be done in front of the werewolves?

If I was in this story I wouldn’t be hanging out with the vampires, I’d be chilling with the wolves like Princess Mononoke.

Edward in these next few scenes really make me angry. So Victoria wants to kill Bella and to protect her Jacob carries Bella off to mask her stench. Edward is all angry and he just needs to chill.

Then Edward is a total jerk when he decides to give Bella a bracelet to not only replace Jacob’s and get him to stop wearing Jacob’s and try to show himself as better as his bracelet is more expensive.

But Bella is worse as she keeps pushing him to have sex with her, even though he has already made it clear he does not want to have sex until he is married. It is really abusive and inappropriate that she doesn’t respect his no. Like if she was a guy talking to a girl this to would make a lot of people mad, it’s like Unbreakable all over again.

That evening Bella is freezing to death in the tent and Jacob comes into to give her warmth and Edward gnat . I don’t know why he doesn’t become a wolf. Edward is all mad but hey, he’s trying to help and you can’t do it.

Jacob and Edward talk all night and I’m kind of done with it. All this scene makes me think is that none of these people are mature enough to be in a relationship or to be thinking about marriage and “forever”. Plus isn’t there a battle going on, what happened to that?

Jacob finds out that they are planning to marry and Edward does it on purpose even though Bella told him she was going to Jacob later. So rude as he should respect her wishes and let her tell him in her own time.

Then when Jacob wants to run off to join the fight she gets really mad and tells him to kiss her which is really horrible as she is not only leading him on but she’s engaged and cheating on her fiancé. Both these boys should not be involved with her she has no loyalty or respect.

And what kind of vampire film is this? Jasper just punches the heads off people. There is no staking of the hearts but just punching and ripping heads off like they are glass or something. It is really weird.

The vampires light up super fast as well, I feel like they should just get blowtorches and blow them all away.

The Volturi arrive and I’m not sure why they are even the villains as they don’t seem that scary. Like there are only four of them and Jane’s power doesn’t even work on Bella she could take them all out. They should also be afraid of Bella as a vampire as the powers don’t work on her.

But the biggest come away for me is that Edward you should not marry Bella. They were engaged two days ago and she cheated on you with a child. She’s not forever material. And it is even worse when you realize she did that in real life as well. Yep, life imitating art as Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson got engaged in real life and she cheated on him.

For more on Twilight, go to The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)

For more vampires, go to Bella Becomes Obsessed With Edward and Won’t Leave Him Alone Until He Dates Her: Twilight (2008)

For more werewolves, go to You’re Mother is a Shadowhunter…Like You: The Mortal Instruments, City of Bones (2013)

The True Villain is Not the Volturi But Bella’s Abusive Manipulation: The Twilight Saga, New Moon (2009)

So as I said in my review of Twilight, I have never read or watched this “saga”. I remember when they came out (I’m 29) and how crazy everyone went over them, including one of my best friends, but they never interested me.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays for Horrorfest X.

Plus people are always saying that if Catherine Morland existed today she’s be all over this series, so it is Jane Austen related. Sort of. 

This film was really really hard for me to watch. It is badly written, which I expected, but what was worse was how manipulative and abusive Bella was to Edward.

We begin the film with Bella having a dream that she is old and she has turned 18 in real life, but Edward will stay forever 17. The first thing she starts with is trying to convince Edward to turn her. She uses emotional abuse and manipulation to convince Edward to turn her. She is constantly trying to guilt him into it and almost all of her dialogue is about 18 is ancient turn me, when will you turn me, please turn me, and so on.

They watch Romeo and Juliet and Bella keeps talking over and over that suicide is great and how she would love him to turn her into a vampire and it is really disturbing. Edward is not at all into it, and all I can think is Edward should dump her and run far away because Bella is really weird.

I feel so much for Edward, Bella is super annoying about being a vampire and constantly harassing him. He’s only known her for less then a year and she’s only 18, like how does she know she will want to spend “forever” with him? She kind of sounds like The Little Mermaid, and not in a good way.

To be perfectly honest it feels more like she would try to be “forever” with any vampire as she just wants to be a vampire. She doesn’t love Edward, he was just the first vampire she met.

Then Bella has her birthday party at the Cullen’s house and I think it is super rude that she doesn’t celebrate with her dad. Why didn’t she bring Edward over to her house? Like that would make a lot more sense. In fact as I think about it, she never has Edward come to her house or interact with her dad. Very suspicious!

Hmm…

So at the party Bella gets injured and Edward flings her across the room and throws her on the wall where she breaks something and is more severely injured then she was before, her arm bleeding everywhere as he tries to “protect” her.

Like seriously? What is Edward doing.

So Bella is all this is fine even though that is a serious injury, and again one she has had from being around the Cullens and vampires. Although it’s just a cut when she should have a seriously bruised tailbone as Edward threw her across the room, into the wall, with his vampire super strength. Edward is starting to realize that this is not a good idea, then being around will probably just put her more at risk especially as Jasper has a really hard time dealing with stuff like that.

Edward is starting to realize that hanging out with a mortal human who is constantly getting injured at his hands is not a good idea, and that continuous time around her will probably just put her more at risk. So Edward does the mature thing and breaks up with Bella, he and his family leaving as it isn’t the best thing for them to be around her right now.

Bella Swan: If this is about my soul, take it I don’t want it with out you!

Edward Cullen: It’s not about soul Bella. You’re just not good for me!

But Bella is not mature. She does not deal with the breakup well. She isolates herself from her friends and spends all her time in her room. I don’t know why people always hate on her dad as he tries really hard. He’s so concerned about her he is going to send her back with her mom but she refuses to go and hangs out with Jessica to please him. Her dad is trying to help her, but she doesn’t really communicate well with him.

When she is out with Jessica she sees some bikers and it reminds her of the time when Edward saved her from some dudes. She goes with him and sees Edward’s image. Here is where she becomes abusive by using coercion and constantly putting her life in danger so that she can bring Edward to her, so that he will save her from these terrible situations, or if she dies so that he will be forced to turn her. Because if he really “loved” her he would always be there to “save” her. Well how about your stop doing things like that.

She literally is

This really gives me a vibe that Stephanie Meyer was obsessed with some boy at school and he rejected her and she wanted him and tried to get him and instead wrote this book.

So Bella starts hanging out with Jacob and using him to make her feel better. And this really makes me upset as she has no romantic feelings for him but she continues to lead him on.

“Bella Swan: Dear Alice, I wish I had your real address. I wish I could tell you about Jake. He makes me feel better. I mean, he makes me feel alive. The hole in my chest… well, when I’m with Jake it’s like it’s almost healed for a while. But even Jake can’t keep the dreams away.

Like this is a horrible thing to do and it really makes me mad how she just uses him. Poor little boy, he’s like only 15 in this film.

So she and Jacob grow close and she injures herself again and again being dumb and bleeds a lot. It’s funny to me how she doesn’t see how much better it is with a human helping her as he doesn’t push her into another rock or something and cause more bleeding or broken bones.

Jacob really likes her and let’s her know his feelings but she crushes them. He then gets sick and she takes him home and it turns out that he is a werewolf.

Bella is furious at this and tells him he should try and stop and I’m like really? Werewolves don’t have any choice in the matter, like vampires. And I can’t believe someone who is constantly begging vampires to turn her can tell someone to stop being a cryptid, especially one who has no control over it but has a gene that causes them to turn. Stop being a hypocrite and get over yourself Bella.

It really bugs me too how horribly they treat the Native Americans. The Native Americans are seen as the bad guys as Bella tells Jacob to change, he can be better than that. Better than my race Bella? Really?

I also don’t like how the one man, Sam, he abused his girlfriend as he couldn’t control his wolf power (which I like that the film makes it very clear that this is not okay) and Bella is all upset, but yet the damage Edward does to her is no big deal. I mean Emily had her face scratched but Bella has been thrown against the headboard (when they were making out in her underwear), had her leg broken, femeol artery cut open, Edward sucks the poison out and almost kills her (Carlisle has to smack him out of it), and she’s been thrown against a wall by Edward causing a vase to break and cut her arm open. Yet, that’s okay? But the Native American werewolves are bad guys?

Bella is also mad that Jacob doesn’t want to be around her because he is afraid of hurting her. But again, all she tells him is he should change.

She is also mad that Jacob killed the vampire that tried to kill her as Vampires being killed is evil. This whole storyline is that werewolves are really bad as they kill animals and vampires they don’t have a treaty with but what are the vampires killing and eating? They are definitely killing animals too.

Seriously

I also don’t like this negative undertone of Narive Americans as being angry, aggressive, can’t control themselves, killers, need to change who they are but Vampires are pale, perfect, and something to be achieved.

So it turns out Edward thinks that Bella is dead as Alice told him she saw a vision where Bella died and when he called the house Jacob tells him the dad is at a funeral (his friend who had a heart attack when he was hunting) and Edward thinks it is Bella, even though Edward could have just asked who’s funeral.

I think it is weird as the first thing he does is decide to kill himself instead of coming to the funeral or paying the last respects first. Something that most normal people would do. And interesting that Bella this while time has been trying to kill herself so Edward could save her or turn her, but when he finds out she died he does neither of those things. Sucks to suck.

Edward then heads to Italy to try and kill himself by the Vultori but they don’t want to kill him as they want his ability to read minds. Weird, whatever.

Back in Forks, Alice comes and is surprised to see if Bella is alive. It turns out because Bella was with a werewolf that it blocked her vision.

They then hurry to Italy but I don’t know how as Vampires aren’t able to cross over water. And even if they aren’t following that lore, they’re no way they would beat him with how long it takes to travel and these vampires don’t shape shift.

But they save Edward, return home, and stood up to the Volturi who aren’t even scary. They look like they bought their vampire outfits at the discount store.

I know a lot of people like these movies, but I don’t get it. And there are three more films left to watch, I’m really regretting this.

I know I have!

For more on Twilight, go to Bella Becomes Obsessed With Edward and Won’t Leave Him Alone Until He Dates Her: Twilight (2008)

For more vampires, go to You’re Mother is a Shadowhunter…Like You: The Mortal Instruments, City of Bones (2013)

For more werewolves, go to Holy Smokes! Your Mom’s a Werewolf!: My Mom’s a Werewolf (1989)

Bella Becomes Obsessed With Edward and Won’t Leave Him Alone Until He Dates Her: Twilight (2008)

So I’m 29 and I remember when these books and movies came out. People were going crazy over them, girls would get in fights in the halls over team Jacob or team Edward. People would camp outside theaters to get tickets to go and see it. It was a crazy time.

I was never a fan but one of my best friends was obsessed with it, so I had a front seat view to the craziness and all the drama on and off screen.

I have never actually ever watched these films, I mean I have seen a clip or two of them but never actually watched or read them as they never appealed to me. I’m a Dracula vampire lover and want something more like that or even Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

But my niece was visiting this summer and she really wanted to watch them, so I thought why not give them a look over. And do #twihardsaturdays for Horrorfest X.

Plus people are always saying that if Catherine Morland existed today she’s be all over this series, so it is Jane Austen related. Sort of.

So this film is sooooooo bad!!! Like who, where, what, why??? Just what is this?

It is just horrible and dumb and the people they picked do an awful job. Like why did they pick Kristen Stewart to be the lead in this? She is so horrible. When she talks she pauses so much that I zone out and when the sentence is finished I’m like what were you all talking about again? What just happened?

Huh

Like ugh.

Ugh

So the film starts off with Bella moving from Arizona with her mom to Forks, Washington although the movie never makes it clear why. I know her mom is in a relationship wint a minor league baseball player (not sure if married or dating) but minor league times are pretty stagnant in one area and then just go for away games. Why couldn’t she go with them?

She gets back and meets people who she doesn’t remember except Jacob and Billy Black, Jacob’s dad. Her dad also gives her, her own truck and she’s not the nicest about it. Hey I would have loved to have my own vehicle for free instead of having to work and save up for one.

At school everyone is all about Bella although I don’t know why. She’s not friendly, she’s not stunning, she’s not witty, she’s not articulate, she isn’t super intellectual, she’s isn’t a jock, her clothing choices are extremely questionable…but everyone wants to talk to her and be her friend.

What the heck?

Like all want to be her friend-from popular girl Jessica played by Anna Kendrick, to nerdy Angela played by Christian Serrantas, the popular jock, and the newspaper editor. What’s weird for me is loooking at this film the most attractive boy isn’t Edward or Jacob but the boy who runs the school newspaper. Justin Jitae Chon portrays Eric Yorkie.

But back to the film. So everyone is salivating over Bella (I guess they don’t often get new people) including Edward the vampire. Although when he first sees her he is pretty rude and looks like he is in pain at the sight and smell of her. It’s weird that Bella wants the one guy who isn’t trying to be up in her space, but trying to stay far, far away from her…what no-Bella has a lot of issues that makes sense she would want the one guy who isn’t acting like she the hottest thing ever.

Hmm…

So Edward is “out sick” a few days and comes back and is very polite but she’s incredibly rude.

One day a car is coming toward Bella and Edward run and saves her. He tries to pretend it was nothing but Bella knows his speed isn’t normal. It is kind of a weird action to be honest, like how did he really think he would explain that?

The guy who almost hit her is a horrible driver as later he isn’t paying attention when he is parking and looks as if he will hit some other students. Maybe he needs glasses.

Hmm…

Then they go on a field trip to a nursery to look at compost. I can’t believe that a town of about ~1000 people would be willing to waste what little budget they had to go look at compost, but whatever.

I really haven’t been paying much attention to the dialogue as Kristen Stewart pauses so often between her words that I seriously start to zone out. By the time she reaches the end of the sentence I can’t recall what she started with.

Huh

They then all go surfing where Bella runs into Jacob again. She had invited Edward but he stood her up. She then gets told the Cullens can’t go on the reservation.

Bella wants to go to a “special bookstore” to get more information and when she hears her friends are dress shopping at that town she goes with them. She doesn’t try on any dresses, but you know in the end she will have a “stunner”.

To be honest this movie is really boring. I don’t really follow what is happening right now. Bella is followed by Edward and he helps save her. She also has dreams about him and is convinced they should be together. But Edward gives off MAJOR RED FLAGS.

Edward Cullen: All superhero stuff right? But what if I’m not the hero? What if I am the bad guy

Uh, girl run! He’s warning you! If a guy says this, then run run far away. But does she? No instead she does what unfortunately a lot of women do, she stays convinced that is just a wall he is putting up to protect himself. Even though he told her he is not safe or to be trusted, she decides to put all her time and effort into convincing Edward to be with her, completely ignoring him telling her that he doesn’t want to.

This really drives me crazy as Bella refuses to listen to his rejection. If the roles had been reversed and this was a woman being harassed by a man it wouldn’t be seen as romantic, the guy would be creepy. And Bella is creepy.

Then Bella does research and discovers that Edward must be a vampire, although that conclusion is pretty weird. I mean all she knows is he runs super fast, put otherwise he hasn’t exhibited any “vampire qualities”. I would be more likely to believe he is a superhero or his doctor father experiments on his foster children then to assume he is a vampire. I mean she has seen him walk around in daylight, he goes to school, he never drinks blood or has ever bit anyone. I don’t quite understand why she jumps to that conclusion.

And when I typed in cold blooded and super speed all that came up was cold blooded reptiles. Then I added reads minds and two books titled cold blooded popped up- the first is about a superhero and super villains and the second is about vampires. So vampires are not the first thing that pops up.

Edward tries to warn her off, again! He admits he is a vampire and says multiple times that she isn’t strong enough to stop him if he ever attacked her and that she could never outrun him and also mentions other very scary things about his relationship with her. Like huge giant red flags! She should just run away too!

Edward Cullen: Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella… I’m a killer.

Isabella Swan: I don’t believe that.

Edward Cullen: That’s because you believe only the lies… the camouflage. I’m the world’s most dangerous predator, Bella. Every thing about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that… as if you could out run me… as if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill.

Isabella Swan: I don’t care.

Edward Cullen: I’ve killed people before.

Isabella Swan: It does not matter.

Edward Cullen: I wanted to kill you at first. I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much, before

Like Bella don’t be dumb run away from him and this!

Isabella Swan: Why did you hate me so much when we met?

Edward Cullen: I did, only because of wanting you so badly. I still don’t know if I can control myself.

Uh no! This is dangerous behavior and she should stay far away.

“Edward Cullen: [to Bella] You are my life now.”

Again, no! This is one of those things that sounds romantic but isn’t really. No one should be your whole life. Having been in an abusive relationship, this dialogue really brings up some bad memories.

What Love Bombing looks like

So Edward has given in and starts doing “vampire behavior” in front of everyone which is weird. Like can you not jump on my car. And just because Bella knows doesn’t mean you should tell the whole neighborhood.

He then takes Bella to his house where his dad cooks for them Italian food as they think Bella is Italian. That’s a really weird assumption to make as Bella is just a popular name. I once had a class with three Bella’s in it, one was African-American, one was Mexican, and the other white (non-Italian).

Anyways Bella doesn’t eat and Rosalie throws a tantrum. Weird! Edward then shows her his room and house. On one area they have framed graduation caps to show all the high schools they have graduated from and again I wonder why? I mean I get they go to school for interaction so they aren’t bored at home living on and on but why high school? I mean they are 17 not 10. They could go to college and just learn a lot or get jobs like in The Highlander? Why don’t they be like in The Highlander, and just move around and have different businesses, sell them and move elsewhere. Like he had the antique shop, the boxing club, then he does antiquities again. If I was a vampire or immortal I would do antiques/antiquities or get into restoration work (like in The Age if Adalind).

It’s also weird that Edward doesn’t have a bed and he never sleeps as every single vampire legend has a time when Vampires have to rest, but whatever.

The other thing that is super weird is how Bella has not only hounded Edward into dating him but how she really, really wants to be a vampire. Like she is constantly beinging it up to him all the time trying to convince him to turn her. It’s really annoying how obsessed she is.

Meanwhile there are three vampires running around killing people. Every time I see them all I can think of is Vampires Suck

“You know who we are don’t you?”

“You’re the Black Eyed Peas?

“Why does everyone always think we are the Black Eyed Peas?

Vampires Suck! (2010)

They are roaming around and they run into the Cullens when they play baseball in a storm. Yes this scene is really weird as they are running and leaping and using their super speed. I just can’t believe the editor and then later those in the writing room thought this was a good idea.

“Rogue” vampires ruin the game, one being obsessed with Bella as all the men in this film are and wants her. They won’t give up so Edward tells her she needs to leave and go away with them, and she agrees to protect her dad.

The two stage a huge fight with Bella freaking out and yelling that she is so upset she decides to go with her mom in Jacksonville. Her dad is stunned and she just takes off. Edward hitches a ride with her and they go to Arizona where Bella goes to her old ballet studio, a room filled with mirrors when vampires can’t have their reflection seen. Like that makes zero sense Bella?!!

So I guess they can be seen? Whatever?!! This film follows no vampire lore and the lore they do have makes no sense. I’m over it and this girl.

I’m done

James attacks Bella and acts like he is going to kill her, but just bites her as if he is going to turn her-but doesn’t.

Edward comes and saves the day, but Bekka is pretty bad with a broken leg and her femoral artery has been cut. Edward’s dad tries to save her, offering to turn her vampire but Edward won’t. Instead Edward decides to suck out the vampire poison/venom. He “saves” the day, but this next scene is really troubling to me.

So Bella’s Mom arrives and Bella is at the hospital asking what happened. Bella’s mom tells her she ran off to Arizona and Edward and his dad followed her to convince her to come back to Forks, Washington. She tells Bella that Edward and Dr. Cullen found her after she fell down two flights of stairs and through a windows taking her to the hospital. They saved her life and all she has is the broken leg and the cut artery although she is okay.

I don’t know why her mother and father aren’t freaking out over that. I have never been to a hotel, and I have been to some fancy ones, where there is a window by the stairs. Usually they don’t have that. And if they did have one, why wasn’t it safety glass? And the fact she fell down two flights of stairs, yet has no other bruises or any other marks on her body to verify that? In fact this whole thing sounds like Edward is abusing her and I can’t believe her father a cop isn’t thinking that. From his point of view she and her boyfriend got into such a terrible fight she wanted to leave the state, he and his father followed her to try and get her to come back, she “fell” down two flights of stairs and a window and broke her leg and cut her femoral artery. To me it sounds like Edward followed her to try and force her back, she didn’t want to come so he threw her down the stairs. Like this story sounds like he is abusing her.

And if they do believe this story, why aren’t they asking which hotel and going down there to sue or get some recompensation for their daughter’s accident.

But in this they all go back home and everything is happily ever after.

Watching this I feel like Stephanie Meyer really liked some boy and he rejected her so in her story her main character is desired by all and convinced that everyone loves her.

All I know is this is bad and the characters are supposed to be “romantic” but all are just horrible. As this is domestic abuse survivors month, I just wanted to drop this here:

And even though this is not a film I enjoyed, the obligatory Facebook cover pic:

Horrofest X: Have Yourself a Haunted Halloween

It’s that time of the year again! Time for another Horrorfest, 31 days of horror, mystery, monsters, etc.

So I started Horrorfest back when I first began blogging. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with it, the direction I wanted to go in. Since I like to watch scary movies every day in October, I decided to review them, and I had so much I fun I continued every year.

I know some people aren’t interested in it or would think it has nothing to do with my blog’s title, but you know who would love it and be so into horror films?

When I started this, I used a lot of stills from the movies I was reviewing and ended up with a a bunch of photos I couldn’t reuse for future posts. Since then I try to add less, unless I think I can use it for future posts or that it is crucial to the story. Instead I reuse old photos and I try to caption each photo with what film it came from, but at times I forget.

Over the years I have established a set of rules and annual films categories.

Rules are there must be at list one film or TV show episode:

  • From every decade (1930s-2020s)
  • by Alfred Hitchcock
  • Is animated
  • made by Disney
  • by Stephen King
  • by Tim Burton
  • starring Vincent Price
  • And is in some way Jane Austen related

The Jane Austen one is the hardest to do, although two years ago I had several. There was the Non-Austen Films for Austen Fans Alta Mar AKA High Seas,Death By Persuasion” from Midsomer Murders, Rebecca, and Strong Woman Bong Soon; along with the film that led to Sense and Sensibility (1995) being made-Dead Again.

Last year we had several films with Jane Austen Bingos (actors from Jane Austen productions spotted in another film), and I finally reviewed Northanger Abbey (2007), one of my favorite Jane Austen adaptions. I also started a new tradition, #CelebrateHalloweenwithNorthangerAbbey, something I will be continuing this year! So be sure to join me!

Another tradition I added a few years ago is dressing Jane up in costume every year. Last year I did Jane the Vampire Slayer to go with my review of Return of the Vampire (1943).

This year I decided to make Jane a Ghostbusters.

Well, I hope you enjoy this year’s picks-so far we have vampires, zombies, aliens, mysteries, monsters, gothic stories, film noir, and more!

For the original Horrorfest, go to I Don’t Belong in the World: Carnival of Souls (1962)

For Horrorfest II, go to There Are Many Strange Legends in the Amazon: The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

For Horrorfest III, go to Even a Man Pure of Heart: The Wolf Man (1941)

For Horrorfest IV, go to You Cannot Conquer It. It has Conquered You!: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

For Horrorfest V, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For Horrorfest VI, go to One of Our Guests is a Werewolf, I Know It.: The Beast Must Die (1974)

For Horrorfest VII, go to It’s the End of the World: The Birds (1963)

For Horrorfest VIII, go to Count Dracula the Propagator of This Unspeakable Evil Has Disappeared. He Must Be Found and Destroyed!: Horror of Dracula (1958)

For Horrorfest IX, go to Time for You to Awaken, Master. Time for You to Go Out: The Return of the Vampire (1943)