Dracula. Not Myth, Nor Ravings of a Mad Irish Novelist, Oh No, He’s Real: Dracula 2000 (2000)

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Dracula. Dracula: not myth, nor ravings of a mad Irish novelist, oh no. He’s real, I assure you.

A long time ago, AMC used to do Fear Fridays. Every friday night at 8 they would show a horror film, and not stop until early Saturday morning. But then they pushed it back to 9, then 10, then 11, then 12, then 1 am, then 2 am; still calling it Fear Friday although it was actually Saturday morning. And then they just stopped doing it, which deeply saddened me as I saw many a good, creepy film those Friday nights.

Why did it end?

Why did it end?

This however, wasn’t one of those good movies.

Hate YOu

My sister and I saw this on one of those Friday nights and I hated this film. I thought it was dumb, stupid, boring, made no sense and couldn’t hold a candle to Bela Lugosi in Dracula (1931). And I vowed to never see it ever again.

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Last week, my friend and I were having a horror film marathon. We saw Once Bitten and then were in the mood for a more serious film. She was going through the list and wanted to see Dracula 2000 as she has never seen it before. I was like

No thank youhowaboutno

She then asked me what the film was about, if I could give her a summary, and I tried to tell her…

Uhhhhhhh

Uhhhhhhh

But I couldn’t remember. The only thing I could think of was that it had Johnny Lee Miller (who played Mr. Knightley in Emma (2009) and Edmund Bertram in Mansfield Park (1999) as the regular person thrust in the adventure (the only character I liked); Gerald Butler as Dracula (the reason I watched it the first time) but he was so young that it didn’t even look like him and I hated his character; a weird scene in the record store; and that I hated it. Why did I hate it, I couldn’t remember. The movie must have been so horrible I just wiped it from my memory banks.

Where

Since I couldn’t remember it, and thought maybe I was too harsh a judge, we decided to watch it and see if it was different this go round.

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I HATED IT!

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I thought it was horrible and stupid. So you know what that means! A countdown!!! Yes, let’s go over everything I liked (barely anything) to everything I hated (practically everything!)

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Synopsis:

The film is supposed to be Dracula set in modern times rather than 1831, so the year is 2000. In London, Matthew Van Helsing (Abraham’s descendent) has an antique store in which he is training Simon (Johnny Lee Miller). That night everyone but Matthew goes home, and unbeknownst to him his secretary Solina is part of a ring of thieves that breaks into his vault. They find nothing in there but crosses and a coffin, taking it as it must be valuable.

But something terrible lurks inside.

But something terrible lurks inside.

When Matthew discovers the theft, he goes after them, leaving Simon to watch over the business. However, Simon is worried about his mentor and follows him instead.

The thieves open the coffin and reveal that it is Dracula (Gerald Butler) who turns them all into vampires.

Renfield: He came and stood below my window in the moonlight. And he promised me things, not in words, but by doing them. Van Helsing: Doing them? Renfield: By making them happen. A red mist spread over the lawn, coming on like a flame of fire! And then he parted it, and I could see that there were thousands of rats, with their eyes blazing red,l ike his, only smaller. Then he held up his hand, and they all stopped, and I thought he seemed to be saying: "Rats! Rats! Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red-blood! All these will I give you! If you will obey me!" Van Helsing: What did he want you to do? Renfield: That which has already been done! [giggles sinisterly]

Renfield: He came and stood below my window in the moonlight. And he promised me things, not in words, but by doing them.
Van Helsing: Doing them?
Renfield: By making them happen. A red mist spread over the lawn, coming on like a flame of fire! And then he parted it, and I could see that there were thousands of rats, with their eyes blazing red,l ike his, only smaller. Then he held up his hand, and they all stopped, and I thought he seemed to be saying: “Rats! Rats! Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red-blood! All these will I give you! If you will obey me!”
Van Helsing: What did he want you to do?
Renfield: That which has already been done!
[giggles sinisterly]

He then heads to New Orleans, LA. There lives Mary Heller, a devout Catholic, who has had strange dreams/visions her whole life but they seem worse now than ever before. She keeps seeing this man, unsure of who he is, but us viewers know him as Dracula.

Dracula

Simon and Matthew team up and try to destroy the new vampires, Simon originally shocked but after being attacked admits they are real. Matthew then reveals his secret, he is really Abraham Van Helsing, the Van Helsing.

Count Dracula: Van Helsing. [Van Helsing turns to face Count Dracula] Count Dracula: Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to your own country. Van Helsing: I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy. Count Dracula: You are too late. My blood now flows through her veins. She will live through the centuries to come, as I have lived. Van Helsing: Should you escape us, Dracula. We know how to save Miss Mina's soul if not her life. Count Dracula: If she dies by day. But I shall see that she dies by night. Van Helsing: And I will have Carfax Abbey torn down, stone by stone, excavated a mile around. I will find your earth-box and drive that stake through your heart. Count Dracula: Come here. [Dracula raises his hand to hypnotise Van Helsing] Count Dracula: Come here...Your will is strong, Van Helsing. [Van Helsing reaches out for his crucifix as Dracula looms toward him] Count Dracula: More wolfbane? Van Helsing: More effective than wolfbane, Count. Count Dracula: Indeed. [Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]

[Dracula lunges towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing holds up the crucifix. Dracula snarls and turns away. Van Helsing, in triumph, puts away the crucifix]

When he discovered nothing worked to kill Dracula, he imprisoned him in a coffin and took his blood to keep him young as he continued to try to find a way to destroy him. He was married and they had a daughter Mary, and in her blood is Dracula’s blood. When he told his wife the whole story, she left him and took his daughter to America.

And run fast

Dracula has lost his male vampires, but has three wives: Solina, the secretary; Valerie, a news reporter; and Lucy, Mary’s best friend. Simon and Helsing split up to look for Mary, Helsing being killed by Dracula and the wives at Mary’s house. Simon finds Mary and they escape, only for Mary to be captured later. Simon tries to help her; but is no match for all the vampires.

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Before Dracula turns Mary into a vampire, he reveals that he is Judas Iscariot and that is why he hates silver and crosses. He tried to hang himself, but the “rope broke” and God turned him into a vampire.

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I know. He turns Mary into a vampire, but I guess her already vampire blood counteracts it as she is not his slave.

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She saves Simon, kills Dracula, and decides to continue the family business (although if she killed Dracula it is over) turning into a female Blade, kinda-sorta.

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So What Was Good?

There was only one thing I liked in this entire film, and that was Johnny Lee Miller’s character, Simon.

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Simon was extremely likable because he was just a regular person thrown into this situation and trying to make sense of it. All his reactions are spot on to when he thinks people are crazy to finally becoming a butt-kicking vampire hunter. He is kind, compassionate, caring, intelligent, and extremely witty.

Marcus: [Simon produces a cross] Sorry sport. I’m an atheist.

Simon Sheppard: [a dagger pops out of the cross’ base] God loves you anyway.

The other thing I like about him was how he represented the everyman or everywoman. Here is a guy who has read old inscriptions, heard stories, studied antique weaponry, etc; but studying and hearing it is much different than having to use it, have the myths be real, and be expected to hunt down vampires. He tries his best as he discovers this new reality, and even though he makes mistakes, all is forgiven as he is us, the viewer, in a sense. I thought he was fun and the best thought out thing in the film.

I like it!

I like it!

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So What Was Bad?

Everything else. Seriously, I mean it. The rest of the film was absolutely horrid.

1) Too Many Stars

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Like Scre4m it is hard to focus on a plot of a film when you are being hit right and left with people who are really famous. In every scene it felt more like a game of “Which Star Will Pop Up Next” rather than watching a film about Dracula. I mean we have Shane West, Christopher Plummer, Johnny Lee Miller, Omar Epps, Nathan Fillion, Vitamin C, etc. When casting you really have to be careful and not have too many recognizable people, or else your audience will be going bug-eyed.

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2) For a Dracula film there isn’t a lot of Dracula in it.

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Dracula is supposed to be about Dracula; but Dracula actually has a small role in this film. And unlike previous films, Dracula wasn’t even played by a big star with top billing; instead they choose Gerald Butler who had very little on his acting resume at the time this film was made. To me that is incredibly strange as he is the main character, THE TITLE CHARACTER. He should be the star, the biggest personality. Instead Dracula has very little dialogue and spends most of his time just creepily staring at people.

He's creepin' in your windows. He's starin' at your people.

He’s creepin’ in your windows. He’s starin’ at your people.

I didn’t like that, not one bit. As much as I disliked Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and I did a lot, at least that one knew what to focus on, DRACULA! It was a weird decision made by the writers, and a bad one.

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3) Mary, Mary Quite Boring

Bones David Bored I;m bored boring

Mary was so boring! I mean it what a yawnfest. All she did was cower, snivel, and act as if she was going to have a breakdown. Her character was bland and completely underdeveloped other than “good”, “Catholic”, and “British”. Now don’t get me wrong, the breakdown character can work but only in films where it is about psychological damage, like Rebecca, Gaslight or Under Capricorn, not a monster movie. In this type of film that kind of behavior is boring!

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4) Taking Blood to Live Longer, Yet He Doesn’t Become a Vampire

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In the book Dracula, the way to have someone become a vampire is to give them vampire blood. In this film Van Helsing keeps transfusing vampire blood into his body to live longer, but doesn’t become a vampire. That makes zero sense! If you ingest vampire blood you are a vampire. Pure and simple.

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5) Dracula is Judas

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Yes. It turns out the reason Dracula hates silver, crosses, bibles, Christianity, etc…is because he is Judas.

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Why would God turn him into a vampire? Why would God create a being that cannot be killed but kill his people making their souls unable to move on? That is just unbelievably dumb.

I mean if the devil was the one who did it, it would still be really dumb, but make a lil’ more sense.

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So yes it was dumb, incredibly dumb. Just stupid and horribly boring. My advice? Just skip it.

And after we finished the film, I asked my friend “What do you think of it?” Her response:

You as in the film

You as in the film

So there you go, not just me.

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To start Horrorfest V from the beginning, go to Who You Gonna Call?: Ghostbusters (1984)

For the previous post, go to I’m…a Werewolf: Teen Wolf (1985)

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For more Dracula, go to We’ve Seen Dracula, the Wolf Man, and Frankenstein’s Monster: Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

For more vampire films, go to I Don’t Want to Be a Vampire. I’m a Day Person: Once Bitten (1985)

For more on Judas Iscariot, go to The Arrest

For more modern remakes, go to Heroes are Not Born, They’re Created: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

For more sucky remakes, go to Every Three Thousand Years, the Stars Align. Unleashing an Army of Monsters: TMNT (2007)

For more Gerald Butler, go to Pot o’ Gold: 17 Irish Heroes

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What’s Your Favorite Scary Movie?: Scream (1996)

So this Horrorfest, I am going to be doing something a little different. We are going to have “Screamtastic Saturdays”. Every Saturday in October going to be on a different Scream movie. So let’s kick it off with:

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What’s your favorite scary movie?

*Spolier Alert*

So I really loved this movie. I have to say that Wes Craven as one of the horror kings totally tanked on Nightmare on Elm Street. This was by far, much better. One of the coolest things about this film is that it is a parody of horror films, while still being its own horror film.

So the beginning starts off with Drew Barrymore cooking popcorn and preparing for a fun night in watching scary movies with her boyfriend. Just like When A Stranger Calls, she receives a strange phone call and is at first into it, thinking it is just a joke.

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However, it slowly turns as the caller threatens Casey that he is going to kill her and her boyfriend.

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But she has a chance at being saved, all she has to do is answer who was the killer in Friday the 13th.

“Phone Voice: Name the killer in Friday the 13th.

Casey: Jason! Jason! Jason!

Phone Voice: I’m sorry. That’s the wrong answer!

Casey: No, it’s not. No it’s not. It was Jason.

Phone Voice: Afraid not. No way.

Casey: Listen, it was Jason! I saw that movie 20 g******* times!

Phone Voice: Then you should know that Jason’s mother, Mrs. Voorhees was the original killer. Jason didn’t show up until the sequel. I’m afraid that was a wrong answer.

Casey: [Weeping] You tricked me.

Phone Voice: Lucky for you there’s a bonus round, but poor Steve… I’m afraid he’s OUT!”

So Steve is murdered and Casey runs throughout the house trying to get away from the killer. Of which she doesn’t make it out and finds herself victim #1.

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And thus the body count begins…

So the killing of Drew Barrymore holds two significant things. One, she was one the most famous actress in the film, and was killed first. This was supposed to be a homage to Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), in which the most famous actress of the film, Janet Leigh, was only in the movie for a short while before she was killed. This was also supposed to be a parody of Craven’s film Nightmare on Elm Street, when the first character we meet, Tina (played by Amanda Wyss),is killed. Craven also had his character Casey wear white just like Tina in Nightmare on Elm Street.

The next day, the town Woodsboro is just ravanged by reporters who are eager to find out more about this murder, especially since it occurred almost exactly a year after their little town experienced a murder just as gruesome. The murder of Maureen Prescott by Cotton Weary.

Meanwhile, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) is trying to cope with everything that is going on.

Scream

She is having a really hard time with the anniversary of her mother’s death. When she hears about the murders and sees the reporters it brings the mess of the past year back to her. The memories just come flooding back.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

One of her other big issues is her boyfriend Billy Loomis.

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Okay, I just have to go off on a tangent here: Billy is sooooooooooooo creepy looking. When I first saw this I was like he is toooootally the killer. I mean LOOK AT HIM! He has killer written alllll over him. Those eyes, they are super frigtening. And the way he talks? He tells Sidney that he was watching Silence of the Lambs and that made him think of her and want to come over and get funky. What a freak!

Certified Creepo Ribbon

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(BTW it is another Psycho reference. Billy Loomis is a homage to Sam Loomis, Marion Crane’s boyfriend in Psycho; and Dr. Sam Loomis in Halloween.)

Anyways, so the two have been having issues since Sidney’s mom died. She was so traumatized by the event that she has isolated herself and found it hard to let anyone in again. Her best friend Tatum is cool with it as she understands she needs time to grieve, but Billy has been having a hard time backtracking from third base to the benches. Ladies, let me just say that if any guy ever tries to pressure into having sex when you aren’t ready, junk punch him and run away. You don’t need that loser in your life.

That day her father has to go out of town, leaving Sidney all alone in a big house.

Yep, gonna make references all night.

Yep, gonna make When a Stranger Calls  references all night.

She makes plans to meet up with Tatum and stay at her place, but falls asleep. Tatum is late picking her up as her cheerleading practice went way over. While Sidney is waiting she gets a phone call from the killer who starts harassing her. And she stupidly calls throughout the house trying to find him.

Killer Scary Movie

“Sidney Prescott: Can you see me right now?  Ah, okay. [puts a finger in her nose] What am I doing? Huh? Huh? What am I doing? Hello? [takes finger out] Nice try, Randy. Tell Tatum to hurry up, okay? Bye now.

Ghostface: IF YOU HANG UP ON ME, YOU’LL DIE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER! Do you want to die, Sidney? Your mother sure didn’t.

Sidney Prescott: F*** you, you cretin!”

Soon the killer comes in her house and she has to run away from him and try to get the police there. Billy shows up, climbing through her window. Sidney sees that he has a cellphone and freaks out, having the police cart him away.

Gilmore girls creep

So there are a couple places that were filmed in Santa Rosa, CA. One was the bathroom scene in which Sidney is attacked, the other is Tatum’s house which is right across the street from the house used in Pollyanna (1960). It is also across the street from the house used in Alfred Hitchcock’s Shadow of a Doubt (1943). The house in the opening scene was next door to the house used in Cujo (1983).

Sidney spends the night at Tatum’s house and the next day is completely crazy. Billy was released as they had nothing to hold him. And they still are unable to find her father as he never checked into his hotel. Plus Gale Weathers, a reporter who has been harassing her for a year,  and all the other reporters are driving her crazy!

“Gale: There she is! Sidney, hi, what happened? Are you alright?

Tatum: She’s not answering any questions alright. Just leave us alone.

Sidney Prescott: No, no Tatum it’s OK. She’s just doing her job, right Gale?

Gale: That’s right.

Sidney Prescott: So how’s the book?

Gale: Oh it’ll be out later this year.

Sidney Prescott: Oh, I’ll look for it.

Gale: I’ll send you a copy.

[Sidney turns around a punches Gale in the face]”

Scream-Punch

Also at the school we have a little Wes Craven easter egg, as he dresses up as a janitor in a Freddy Krueger sweater.

So the principal decides to suspend school until further notice as it is just too risky for the students. After they all have left, he finds himself joining the body count as well, victim #2.

victim

The death of the principal was actually added to the film late into production. Bob Weinstein noticed there were 30 pgs in the script were nobody died and they decided that they needed another victim.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Billy’s friend Stu decides to throw a party and have all the kids in school come. I don’t understand why anyone’s parents would allow their kids to go out like that with A FREAKIN’ KILLER ON THE LOOSE. Come on people, Parent!!

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At the party, the kids are chillin’, drinking beer, watching horror films, etc. Billy and Sidney go upstairs and talk, resulting in the two having sex.

Meanwhile downstairs everyone is chillin’ while Tatum goes off to the garage to get more beer. The scene in the garage is the only weak link in the film. First of all when Tatum walks over to the garage door and it almost closes on her, that would never happen. My dad is a contractor and I remeber when I was a kid I thought the garage would close on me too. However, they design garage doors specfically to not do that. In fact they have a certain radius that if someone was to walk within that radius the door would stop. And come on she IS IN A FREAKIN’ GARAGE!!! Do you know how many weapons there are in that thing? She passes over a hoe, rake, and a shovel! You see all kinds of tools throughout their fight too. She could easly find something to attack him and win. Although I do have to give props to Wes for allowing Tatum to to put up such a great fight.

Victim #3

Victim #3

Back in the living room,  Randy is giving a rundown on how to survive a horror film,  (* are the rules that are given by the killer).

  1. You will not survive if you have sex
  2. You will not survive if you do drugs or drinks
  3. You will not survive if you say “I’ll be right back.”
  4. Everyone is a suspect
  5. *You will not survive if you ask “Who’s there.”*
  6. *You will not survive if you go out to investigate a strange noise*

While all this is going on, Gale and Tatum’s brother Officer Dewey, have been spying on the party. Gale has snuck a camera into the party, so that she can view everything from her van. She and Dewey both take a break though, “walking off” together where they come upon Sidney’s father’s abandoned car.

Mal_huh Whoa Wow

Everyone back at the party gets the news that the principal is dead and had been strung up on the football field. Almost everyone leaves; with just Randy, Sidney, Billy, Stu, and Gale’s cameraman Kenny (in the van) staying behind .The killer comes out and starts attacking.

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One of the best scenes is the scene where a drunk Randy is telling Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween to turn around while the killer is behind him. He constantly repeats, “Jamie, turn around. Turn around, Jamie!” as the killer is slowly creeping up behind him. The actor who plays Randy is also named Jamie (Jamie Kennedy) and the killer was currently behind him. This is also the only scene in which the  killer is actually one of the actors. Skeet Ulrich had asked specifically if he could wear the costume for one scene.

So Kenny and Dewey fall victim to his knife.

Victim #8

Victim #4&5

After Sidney and Billy are done having sex and have placed their clothes back on the killer charges in and stabs Billy. Sidney manages to run away and finds Tatum’s body.

As she continues running away she ends up getting in the way of Gale who was fleeing the killer from her van. Gale swerves to miss Sidney and crashes, getting knocked out. Sidney goes back to the house, taking the gun from the dying Dewey. She runs into Randy and Stu and is unsure who is the killer. She then runs into a wounded Billy and gives him the gun. Billy immediately shoots Randy and stands up.

Say What

Yep, Billy isn’t injured at all. In fact, it was all a ploy he is the real killer.

dun-dun-duuuun

Corn Syrup

Billy: Corn Syrup, just like in the real movies.

Yep, the whole time Billy and Stu have been the killers. From Sidney’s mom to everyone else.

“Sidney Prescott: Why? Why did you kill my mother?

Billy: Why? WHY! You hear that Stu? I think she wants a motive. Well I don’t really believe in motives Sid, I mean did Norman Bates have a motive?

Stu: No.

Billy: Did we ever find out why Hannibal Lecter like to eat people? DON’T THINK SO! See it’s a lot more scarier when there’s no motive, Sid. We did your Mom a favor, Sid. That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her s*** all over town like she was Sharon Stone or somethin’.

Stu: Yeah, we put her out of her misery, ’cause let’s face Sidney, your mother was no Sharon Stone,hmm?

Billy: Is that motive enough for you? How about this? Your slut mother was f****** my father and she’s the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me. [Sid looks astonished] How’s that for a motive? Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behaviour. It certainly f***** you up. It made you have sex with a psychopath.”

Yep, and not only that the planned the whole thing out so that her father would take the blame, make it look like he had a mental breakdown on the anniversary of his wife’s death and started killing people. They had kidnapped him and bring him out for their final act. Billy and Stu planned that attack on Sidney to make any second arrest look false and questionable.

you're evil

Of course their plan will not be complete until they make themselves look like victims. Stu stabs Billy, and Billy stabs Stu. While the two are monologing and arguing they have seemed to forget one important thing.

 Sidney and her father have disappeared.

“Stu: S***…

Billy: What?

Stu: Oh, s***.

Billy: [They go into the kitchen to find Sidney and Mr. Prescott gone] Where are they? Where are they?

Stu: I don’t know, Billy, but I’m hurtin’, man!

Yep, just like they say in Dial M for Murder (1954), you can never plan the perfect murder. What sounds good on paper can never transfer to real life, because in real life there are just too many things that can go wrong.

“Margot Mary Wendice: Do you really believe in the perfect murder?

Mark Halliday: Mmm, yes, absolutely. On paper, that is. And I think I could, uh, plan one better than most people; but I doubt if I could carry it out.

Tony Wendice: Oh? Why not?

Mark Halliday: Well, because in stories things usually turn out the way the author wants them to; and in real life they don’t… always.”

So here Stu and Billy find themselves completely off script, and unsure…

[the phone rings]

Stu: Should I let the machine get it?

Billy: [answers it] Hello?

Sidney Prescott: Are you alone in the house?

Billy: B****! You b****, where the f*** are you?

Sidney Prescott: Not so fast, we’re going to play a little game. It’s called: Guess who just called the police and reported your sorry motherf******* a**!

[Stu is slowly collapsing to the floor]

Billy: Find her, you dips***! Get up!

Stu: I can’t, Billy. You already cut me too deep. I think I’m dying here, man!

Billy: [Billy gives Stu the phone] Talk to her. Talk to her.

Stu: Hello?

Sidney Prescott: Ah, Stu, Stu, Stu… What’s your motive? Billy’s got one. The police are on their way. What are you going to tell them?

Stu: Peer pressure. I’m far too sensitive.

Billy:[Billy takes the phone back] I’m going to rip you up, b****, just like your f****** mother!

Sidney Prescott: You’ve gotta find me first, you pansy-a** momma’s boy!”

Now the game of cat and mouse has changed with the hunted becoming the hunters.

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In the end Gale, Sidney, Dewey, Mr. Prescott, and Randy survive.

So that was Scream one of the best horror-parodies ever made. For more fun check out Scream in 30 sec with bunnies. And How It Should Have Ended

This film really brought back the slasher genre, as after this slasher remakes and slasher film numbers escalated. It also brought up the debate on whether or not violence in movies affected people and caused them to become more violent? The most important thing is that this film increased the use of caller ID and made such phone harassment much harder. Although not for me.

The other thing I realized in this film is that I am soooooo Randy.

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I also realized that just like The Cable Guy, I’m only a few steps away from the crazy.

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Well, that’s Scream. Tune in next Saturday for Scream 2.

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To start Horrorfest III from the beginning, go to Even a Man Pure of Heart

To go to the previous post, go to In Their Proper Place

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For more on Scream, go to When Horror Doesn’t Stay on the Screen

For more on Wes Craven, go to Krueger Town

For more on phone harrasment, go to It’s Coming From Inside the House

For more films influenced by Alfred Hitchcock, go to Everyone’s Entitled to One Good Scare

For more on serial killers, go to Hello? Is There a Killer in My Kitchen?

For more on slasher films, go to Camp Blood

For more films that spanned numerous sequels, go to He Who Walks Behind the Rows

Part IX: Adventures in Movie Lines (My Favorite Movie Lines List)

AdventuresinMOvieLines

Same drill as before…another installment of my favorite movie lines in no particular order, for your amusement. Enjoy!

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801)”Cameron: You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the alter of dignity and even the score.”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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802)”Eloise Y. ‘Honey Bear’ Kelly: Let me jump to my own conclusions.”–Mogambo (1953)

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803)”Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak on behalf of your father, my beloved brother, that Morty is garbage, and it would be an honor to me to take him out.”–The First Wives Club (1996)

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804)”Hugh Forbes: Then, a toast: May their days be long and full of happiness; may their children be many and full of health; and may they live in peace… and freedom.”–The Quiet Man (1952)

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805)”Alex Fletcher: [singing] Sleeping with a clown above my bed…[spoken] ‘Clown’ is not right.
Sophie Fisher: That’s “cloud.” Why would you put a clown in your bed?
Alex Fletcher: It would not be the first time.”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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806)”Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one… you never give up.”–Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)

Neverleaveyou

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807)”Inspector Lestrade: In another life, Mr. Holmes, you would have made a excellent criminal.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, and you an excellent policeman.”–Sherlock Holmes (2009)

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808)”[finding empty liquor bottles in trash]

Brenda: Let’s examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs!

Elise: I had guests!

Brenda: Who? Guns N Roses?”–First Wives Club (1996)

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809)”Eloise Y. ‘Honey Bear’ Kelly: The only lions I ever want to see again are the two in front of the public library.”–Mogambo (1953)

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810)”Azeem: Is she worth it?
Robin Hood: Worth dying for.”–Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

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811)”Alex Fletcher: The best time I’ve had in the last fifteen years was sitting at that piano with you.
Sophie Fisher: That’s wonderfully sensitive… especially from a man who wears such tight pants.
Alex Fletcher: It forces all the blood to my heart.”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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812)”Irene Adler: Why are you always so suspicious?
Sherlock Holmes: Should I answer chronologically or alphabetically?”–Sherlock Holmes (2009)

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813)”Landon: [voiceover] Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything. About life, hope and the long journey ahead. I’ll always miss her. But our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.”–A Walk to Remember (2002)

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814)”Mrs. Danvers: [the new Mrs. de Winter wants to dispose of Rebecca’s letters] But these are Mrs. de Winter’s things.

The Second Mrs. de Winter: I *am* Mrs. de Winter now!”–Rebecca (1940)

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815)”Wayne Campbell: [to an old man in the neighboring car at a red light] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”–Wayne’s World (1992)

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816)”Elise: You think that because I’m a movie star I don’t have feelings. Well you’re wrong. I’m an actress. I’ve got all of them!.”–First Wives Club (1996)

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817)”Sherlock Holmes: You have the grand gift of silence, Watson; it makes you quite invaluable as a companion.”–Sherlock Holmes (2009)

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818)”Mr. Knightly: How pleasant to be absent, but in the hearts of everyone.”–Emma (2009)

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819)”Cleopatra: Together we could conquer the world.”–Cleopatra (1934)

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820)”Bonnie Lopez: [as Reilly is playing his flute] Do you have to do that?
Reilly O’Reilly: Aye. I’m Irish. It’s how I manifest despair.”–Luck of the Irish (2001)

huh

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821)”Alex Fletcher: [Sophie moves a chair] What are you doing, you madwoman, you’re wrecking my apartment!
Sophie Fisher: Well, I can’t write sitting all the way across the room.
Alex Fletcher: No, go back to your corner!
Sophie Fisher: …Fine, all right. [Goes, leaving the chair where she moved it]
Alex Fletcher: I’m blocked. How am I supposed to get out?
Sophie Fisher: Go out the other side.
Alex Fletcher: But… but… I’ve never been out the other side.”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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822)”Sherlock Holmes: It’s a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can’t tell if a man’s dead or not!”–Sherlock Holmes (2009)

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823)”Mrs. de Winter: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.”–Rebecca (1940)

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824)Antoninus: Are you afraid to die, Spartacus?
Spartacus: No more than I was to be born.”–Spartacus (1960)

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825)King Leonidas: This is Sparta!”–300 (2006)

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826)”Alex Fletcher: Just a little bit louder, because this song is intended for humans, okay?”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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827)”Tramp: Say no more, I get the whole picture. Aunts, cats, muzzles… Well, that what comes of tying yourself down to one family.

Lady: Haven’t you a family?

Tramp: One for every day of the week. The point is, none of them have me.”–Lady and the Tramp (1941)

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828)”Sctanley: My name is Sctanley, spelled with a C.”–Couples Retreat (2009)

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829)”Stoney: Ya know what, Dave, just Chill, ’cause you know why? Link and I had a Stoney time at the Mountain.
Dave: You took him to Mega Mountain? Are you crazy?
Stoney: Yeah, ’cause they’re ridin’ The Vapor in reverse.
Dave: They are?
Stoney: Unh-huh!
Dave: Oh, cool!”–Encino Man (1992)

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830)”Halley: Sometimes things happens and you just have to deal.”–How to Deal (2003)

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831)”Brenda:[about her ex-husband’s mistress]What’s the matter, Morty? Can’t you buy her a whole dress?”–The First Wives Club (1996)

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832)”Sherlock Holmes: There’s only at one case that intrigues me at present. The curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I’ve been studying her comings and goings, they appear most… sinister.
Mrs. Hudson: Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Is it poisoned, Nanny?
Mrs. Hudson: There’s enough of that in you already.”–Sherlock Holmes (2009)

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833)”Mrs. Weston: Perhaps some tea and cake would revive you, Mr. Woodhouse.
Mr. Woodhouse: Cake! Surely you’re not serving cake at your wedding, Miss Taylor! Far too rich, you put us all at peril! Where is Mr. Perry, the apothecary? I’m sure he will support me!
Mrs. Weston: Ah, he is over there, Mr. Woodhouse, having some cake.”–Emma (1996)

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834)”Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I’m not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I’m paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don’t, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY D*** WORD I HAVE TO SAY!”–The Wedding Singer (1998)

Boy Meets World

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835)”Nick: When you give up your dream, you die.”–Flashdance (1983)

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836)”Sophie Fisher: Are you OK?
Alex Fletcher: Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just my Pop! hip. It comes from years of doing our patented dance move. My God, I’ve suffered for my art.”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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837)”Ivana Trump: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don’t get mad, get everything.”–The First Wives Club (1996)

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838)”Rita: This day was perfect. You couldn’t have planned a day like this.
Phil: Well, you can. It just takes an awful lot of work.”–Groundhog Day (1993)

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839)”Qui-Gon Jinn: Remember, your focus determines your reality.”–Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

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840)”Lori: [walks in] What are you girls doing?
Carrie: Destroying a man.”–John Tucker Must Die (2006)

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841)”Alex Fletcher: They’re aliens, clearly, I have no children.”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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842)”Willy Wonka: The suspense is terrible… I hope it’ll last.”–Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

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843)”Bulldog in Pound: He has an eye for a well-turned paw, he has. Let’s see, there’s been Lulu…

Toughy: Yeah, and Trixie…

Dachsie: Und Fifi…

Pedro: And my sister, Rosita Chiquita Juanita Chihuahua. I think.”–Lady and the Tramp (1941)

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844)”[on being told the Christians are being blamed for the burning of Rome]
Vinicius: The people won’t believe such a lie!
Petronius: But they are believing it. People will believe any lie, if it is fantastic enough.”–Quo Vadis (1951)

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845)”Athena: The gods cannot do for man what man must do for himself.”–The Odyssey (1997)

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846)”Edmund Bertram: Surely you and I are beyond speaking when words are clearly not enough.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

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847)”Robert: So, what’s the deal with this prince of yours? How long you been together?
Giselle: [wistfully] Oh, about a day.
Robert: You mean it feels like a day because you’re so in love.
Giselle: No, it’s been a day.
Robert: You’re kidding me. A day? One day?
Giselle: Yes.
[wistful again]
Giselle: And tomorrow it will be two days.”–Enchanted (2007)

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848)”Cameron: And, um, and here’s another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.
Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I’m not a pretty guy?
Michael: H-He’s very pretty. He’s a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: Yeah. I-I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t know.
Michael: [gives him two thumbs up] You’re a gorgeous guy.”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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849)”E.L.F.S. Leader: Tinsel. Not just for decoration.”–The Santa Clause (1994)

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850)”Fanny Price: Beware of fainting fits. Beware of swoons.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

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851)”Alex Fletcher: No, no. He is a jerk! He is a jerk. It’s not a question. He is a jerk!
Sophie Fisher: But…
Alex Fletcher: No, he is! He’s a jerk! He’s a jerk!”–Music & Lyrics (2007)

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852)”Sherlock Holmes: The game’s afoot.”–Sherlock Holmes (2009)

strange things are afoot at the circle k

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853)”Willy Wonka: So shines a good deed in a weary world.”–Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

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854)”Sedgwick: Danny, do you speak Russian?

Danny: A little, but only one sentence.

Sedgwick: Well, let me have it, mate.

Danny: Ya vas lyublyu.

Sedgwick: Ya ya vas…

Danny: Lyublyu.

Sedgwick: Lyubliu? Ya vas lyubliu. Ya vas lyublyu. What’s it mean?

Danny: I love you.

Sedgwick: Love you. What bloody good is that?

Danny: I don’t know, I wasn’t going to use it myself.”–The Great Escape (1963)

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855)”Susan Price: So, this Henry Crawford, what’s he like?

Fanny Price: A rake. I think.

Susan Price: Oh, yes, please.

Fanny Price: They amuse more in literature than they do in life.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

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856)”Hector: And I’ve seen the limits of your mercy and I tell you now, no son of Troy will ever submit to a foreign ruler.”–Troy (2004)

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857)”Young Susan: Think up lots of stories for me and eat hundreds of tarts.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

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858)”Kingpin: There’s an old saying that too much pride can kill a man.”–Daredevil (2003)

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859)”Fanny Price: Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

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860)”Mr. Connors: Well, what I mean is, it’s not what a person looks like that makes them what they are. It’s the intent of their hearts and the good they’re willing to do for others that matters.”–Behind the Waterfall (1995)

Depthofaperson

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861)”Willy Wonka: *We* are the music makers… and *we* are the dreamers of dreams.”–Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

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862)”Daniel Cleaver: If you have to travel alone, travel in style.”–Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

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863)”[Mr. Stratford makes Bianca wear a pregnancy belly before leaving for a party, Patrick arrives and sees her]
Patrick: [to Kat] Who knocked up your sister?”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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864)”Anne Elliot: Are you here for the concert?

Captain Wentworth: No, I am here for a lecture on navigation. Am I in the wrong place?”–Persuasion (1995)

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865)”Edmund Bertram: Your keen adaptability to my brother’s possible demise sends a chill through my heart. A chill. Happily planning parties with his money. You shush my father like a dog at your table, and then you attack Fanny for following her own, infallible guide concerning matters of the heart. All of this leads me to believe that the person I’ve been so apt to dwell on for many months has been a figure of my own imagination, not you, Miss Crawford. I do not know you, and I’m sorry to say, I have no wish to.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

Get out

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866)”Patrick: Was that a yes?
Kat Stratford: No.
Patrick: Well, then, was that a no?
Kat Stratford: No.”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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867)”Donkey: Real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an ogre! Arrr!”–Shrek 2 (2004)

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868)“Dr. John Watson: [reading a note from Holmes] Come at once if convenient.
[flips the note over to back side] If inconvenient, come all the same.”Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)

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869)”Mark Darcy: I should have done this years ago.

Daniel Cleaver: Done what?

Mark Darcy: This. [Darcy punches Cleaver, hard]

Daniel Cleaver: Ow. F*** me, that really hurt. What the f*** do you think you’re doing?

Mark Darcy: This.[Darcy punches Cleaver again, even harder]”–Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

dean_punching_supernatural

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870)”Rogers: What else is there? She says, “Is beauty all that matters?”, and you say, “What else is there?”!

Prince Derek: It was dumb. I know!

Rogers: You should write a book: “How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less”.–The Swan Princess (1994)

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871)”Miles: It’s Christmas Eve and we are going to go celebrate being young and being alive.”–The Holiday (2006)

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872)”Father Fitzgibbons: I’m sure that the way to say what I’d like to say will occur to me after you’ve gone.”–Going My Way (1944)

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873)”Henry Crawford: Fanny. You are killing me.

Fanny Price: No man dies of love but on the stage.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

film-strip-874)”Queen Uberta: Where is Derek? Oh,never mind,I know where he is. Working on the mystery of the Fat Animal.

Rogers: The Great Animal,Your Highness.

Queen Uberta: Great, fat. It’s large and has fur.

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875)”Natasha: Bizarre what some men find attractive.”–Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

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876)”Willy Wonka: So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.”–Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

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877)”Camerlengo Patrick McKenna: I did not ask if you believe what man says about God. I asked if you believe in God.
Robert Langdon: I’m an academic. My mind tells me I will never understand God.
Camerlengo Patrick McKenna: And your heart?
Robert Langdon: Tells me I’m not meant to. Faith is a gift that I have yet to receive.”–Angel & Demons (2009)

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878)”Edmund Bertram: There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time.”–Mansfield Park (1999)

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879)”Willy Wonka: A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”–Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

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1080)”Denise Hennessey: I hate cosmetics companies. They get you addicted to the perfect lipstick or nail polish and then, six months later, they discontinue it. You have to buy your favorite colors like you’re storing up for the Apocalypse.”–P.S. I Love You (2007)

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1081)”Prince Derek: What? You’re all I ever wanted. You’re beautiful!

Odette: Thank you. But what else?

Prince Derek: What else?

Odette: Is beauty all that matters to you?

Queen Uberta: Derek, what else?

Prince Derek: [stammers; to Odette] What else is there?

[Rogers imitates a buzzer]”–The Swan Princess (1994)

the_swan_princess_motivational_by_nerdfighter13812-d32vbyh

 

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 882)”Fanny Price: Is it possible to be so happy?”

Edmund Bertram: Yes. Let’s make it our business, Mrs. Bertram, to happy ever after.–Mansfield Park (2007)

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883)”Kat Stratford: [to Patrick  after he asks her out for the first time] Do you even know my name screwboy?”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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884)”Walter Burns: [ducking from Hildy’s throw and reaching for the ringing telephone] Oh, you’re losing your arm! You used to be able to pitch better than that.”–His Girl Friday (1940)

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885)”Daniel Cleaver: Come on Bridget, we belong together – you, me, poor little skirt. If I can’t make it with you then I can’t make it with anyone.

Bridget: That’s not a good enough offer for me.”–Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

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886)”Odysseus: Sometimes you need to serve in order to lead.”–Troy (2004)

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887)”Cardinal Strauss: [emphatically] Man is flawed, always. Even this one.”–Angels & Demons (2009)

 

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888)”Rothbart: Once you steal something, you spend your whole life fighting to keep it.”–The Swan Princess (1994)

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889)”Ms. Perky: So, I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan’s class… again.
Kat Stratford: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.
Ms. Perky: The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you’re interested.
Kat Stratford: I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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890)”Roy Miller: I’ve been trained to dismantle a bomb in the pitch black with nothing but a safety pin and a Junior Mint, I think I can get you in and out of some clothes without… looking. I’m not saying that’s what I did.”–Knight and Day (2010)

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891)”Cardinal Strauss: Mr. Langdon, thanks be to God for sending someone to protect His church.
Robert Langdon: I don’t believe He sent me, father.
Cardinal Strauss: Oh my son, of course He did…”–Angels & Demons (2009)

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892)”Princess Odette: Will you love me, Derek? Until the day I die?

Prince Derek: No, Odette, much longer. Much longer.”–The Swan Princess (1994)

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893)”Captain Harvile: Poor Phoebe, she would not have forgotten him so soon. It was not in her nature.

Anne Elliot: It would not be in the nature of any woman who truly loved.

Captain Harvile: Do you claim that for your sex?

Anne Elliot: We do not forget you as soon as you forget us. We cannot help ourselves. We live at home, quiet, confined, and our feelings prey upon us. You always have business of some sort or other to take you back into the world.

Captain Harvile: I won’t allow it to be any more man’s nature than women’s to be inconstant or to forget those they love or have loved. I believe the reverse. I believe… Let me just observe that all histories are against you, all stories, prose, and verse. I do not think I ever opened a book in my life which did not have something to say on women’s fickleness.

Anne Elliot: But they were all written by men.”–Persuasion (1995)

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894)”Kat Stratford: We’re going now.
Walter Stratford: Alright, wait a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, *no* ritual animal slaughters of any kind. Oh, God, I’m giving them ideas.”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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895)”Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.

Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and… ah, the verbal diarrhea.

Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.”–Bridget Jones’Diary (2001)

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896)”Gru: This is literature? A two year old could have written this!”–Despicable Me (2010)

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897)”Joey: Mr. Morgan, is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol *before* she comes to class?
Mr. Morgan: Someday, you gonna get b****-slapped and I’m not gonna do a thing to stop it.”–10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

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898)”Willy Wonka: If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world… there’s nothing to it.”–Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

changetheWorld

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899)”Odysseus: [to Achilles] War is young men dying and old men talking. You know this. Ignore the politics.”–Troy (2004)

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900)”Bridget: The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples.”–Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)

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For the previous list, go to Part VIII: The Little Movie Lines List

For more on 10 Things I Hate About You, go to You’re Just Too Good to Be True

For more on 300, go to Part VII: It Was Said One Night

For more on A Walk to Remember, go to Fulfilling the List

For more on Behind the Waterfall, go to Pot o’ Gold

For more on Bridget Jones’ Diary, go to The Beauty of Darcy

For more on Cleopatra (1934) go to Snakes on a Post

For more on Crazy, Stupid, Love; go to Save the Last Dance for Me

For more on Emma, go to It’s All Jane Austen’s Fault

For more on Enchanted, go to According to Disney

For more on Flashdance, go to Darcy’s Dream Date

For more on The Holiday, go to 25 Films of Christmas

For more on John Tucker Must Die, go to Sucky Sequels

For more on Luck of the Irish, go to Friday Night Fun

For more on Mansfield Park, go to On the 10th Day ‘Til Christmas

For more on Music & Lyrics, go to I’m Sorry Sounds Better in a Song

For more on Persuasion, go to A Letter of Love

For more on Rebecca (1940), go to Mr. Darcy: Man of Dreams

For more on The Santa Clause, go to On the 11th Day ‘Til Christnas

For more on Sherlock Holmes, go to The World’s Greatest Criminal Mind

For more on Star Wars, go to And Away We Go

For more on the Swan Princess, go to You Should Write a Book

For more on Wayne’s World, go to Episode III: Revenge of the My Favorite Movie Lines’ List

For more on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, go to A Trip to the Mall Turns into the Twilight Zone

For more on The Wedding Singer, go to Love Stinks

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For more on Frank Perettigo to It’s Alive, It’s ALIVE!

For more of my fav quotes, go to Be Good to Yourself