I am not a spy. I just read books! We read everything that’s published in the world. And we… we feed the plots – dirty tricks, codes – into a computer, and the computer checks against actual CIA plans and operations. I look for leaks, I look for new ideas… We read adventures and novels and journals.
We watched this film in a class I was a teacher’s assistant for, America at the Movies. Some of you might not feel that isn’t a mystery but more of a political drama, but au contraire, this film won the Mystery Writers of America’s 1976 Edgar Award for Best Motion Picture Screenplay. So it counts!
To all you haters
I loved this film. You have a movie that centers on reading books
And stars Robert Redford!
Swoon
The film starts out with Joe Turner (Redford) just doing day to day “office work”. Turner works at the American Literacy Historical Society-preserving the books that are important to the culture and history of our times.
Just kidding-that is the cover story. In reality Turner works for the CIA, codename Condor. His division reads mystery and spy novels looking for secret messages, plots, concepts, ideas, etc. It’s an easy job, pretty much all you do is read all day. Sounds perfect to me!
Turner reads one novel and submits it to CIA headquarters as the book has a few questionable elements and has been translated into many languages.
Hmm…
One day Turner steps out to get lunch for the staff. While he is gone, armed men enter the building and promptly kill the six staffers on duty. When Turner arrives, he discovers the dead bodies.
AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scared, Turner follows protocol and reports in, giving codename “Condor”. He is supposed to meet his head of department, but it all turns out to be a trap. Now Turner is in a cat-and-mouse game, trying to outwit the CIA and assassins.
I love this as it is so similar to The 39 Steps or other Alfred Hitchcock films. Just normal guy, doesn’t really know what is going on and gets caught up in this big huge adventure.
The only thing we are missing is a beautiful blonde.
Enter, Kathy Hale (Faye Dunaway), a woman he encounters by chance that he forces to take him to her home and keeps her hostage, using her apartment as a hiding place.
What a jerk
This doesn’t last as the man after him, Joubert, discovers his hiding spot and sends the hitman after him. Turner does manage to overcome the hitman disguised as a mailman. He gets a name and address of Leonard Atwood, Director of Operations of the Middle East and why the killings happened.
Joe Turner: What does Operations care about a bunch of damn books? A book in Dutch. A book out of Venezuela. Mystery stories in Arabic.
Atwood: Wait!
Joe Turner: What the hell is so important about…[He stops as he sees the connection] Oil fields. Oil. That’s it, isn’t it? This whole damn thing was about oil! Wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?
Atwood: Yes, it was.
The book was fictional, but hit too close the truth and the story had to be eliminated, and those who had read it. Joubert comes on the scene and kills Atwood, the head of the CIA determining that he is too much of a liability. They have decided to let Turner “go” for his ingenuity-but will they really? Joubert warns Turner it will never be over. Just like in The Godfather, he gives him notice of how the hit will go down.
Joe Turner: I’d like to go back to New York.
Joubert: You have not much future there. It will happen this way. You may be walking. Maybe the first sunny day of the spring. And a car will slow beside you, and a door will open, and someone you know, maybe even trust, will get out of the car. And he will smile, a becoming smile. But he will leave open the door of the car and offer to give you a lift.
Turner meets with CIA operative Higgins in public-Times Square. Higgins talks more about the “plan” Turner stumbled on.
Joe Turner: Do we have plans to invade the Middle East?
Higgins: Are you crazy?
Joe Turner: Am I?
Higgins: Look, Turner…
Joe Turner: Do we have plans?
Higgins: No, absolutely not. We have games. That’s all. We play games. ‘What if?’ ‘How many men?’ ‘What would it take?’ ‘Is there a cheaper way to destabilize a regime?’ That’s what we’re paid to do.
Joe Turner: Supposing I hadn’t stumbled onto a plan; say, nobody had?
Higgins: Different ballgame… the fact is, there was nothing wrong with the plan. No, the plan was alright; the plan would’ve worked!
Turner wants out and has insurance to protect himself. He gave The Wall Street Journal the whole story-anything happens to him it is published…or will it?
Higgins: Hey, Turner! How do you know they’ll print it? You can take a walk. But how far if they don’t print it?
Joe Turner: They’ll print it.
Higgins: How do you know?
It is a powerhouse of an ending. Is Turner safe? Will he be protected? Or will he be living his life always looking over his shoulder?
We will never know. That’s the beauty of its creepiness.
So I know you’ve probably been wondering, what’s going on? Where have I been? Have I just crashed from my Valentine’s Day postings?
Well not exactly. I’m sure you have seen on the news how crazy the weather in California has been. We actually had to evacuate the area for fear of flooding.
Headed up more north, where I connected to the internet and was able to finish the Valentine’s Day countdown. Then we returned home, as no water had overflowed, repacked and planned to head down to Southern California to wait out the evacuation.
I’m outta here
But they were going to get the worse storm in 20 years. We decided to skip it, which was good as everyone I knew house’s got flooded.
Not good
So we were trying to decide where to head next, when Las Vegas was just randomly chosen. There we headed out in a trailer, with my cat (as I wasn’t leaving her) for Sin City.
I’d never leave you.
Now I’ve never really had a desire to go to Vegas. I like gambling, but just for fun. Anytime money is involved I lose; if we play for fun, chores, candy-I’m golden.
If money-
But that is where everyone wants to go, so we went. Well it took a day to get there as California is huge.
What?!
We got there around five, but were too tired we just stayed there in the trailer resting.
The next day it poured! Like crazy pouring, like monsoon weather. It was so crazy and we were so tired of the water that we decided to just stay in again.
The next day was sunny, but cool which was nice, and we decided to head out. But you know me, I’m not normal.
Now what I wanted to see more than anything was the mob museum.
It was AMAZING! Tri-level, with information from the early years to present time. It was chock full of information on the 1920s to the 60s. The later years focused more on the police and FBI. It was extremely interactive with video in a replica of the Las Vegas courthouse, depicting the hearings and using actual furnture from the time period.
They had practice with weapons, a fake tommy gun that you could pretend shoot:
and the wall from the St. Valentine’s Massacre that was brough over and reassembled brick by brick. You could see the bullet holes.
There is so much more, I barely even skimmed the surface in this review of all the amazing things this building has to offer. If you are ever there you should check it out as it was AMAZING!
After that we drove down the strip looking at all the lighted signs and buildings.
Wow!
The next day we hit the casinos, but not to play.
Yep, I wanted to look at all the architecture.
Hey, I told you I was different.
I loved looking at them, and spent hours walking and checking them all out. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see everything, but I tried my best. My favorite was probably Caesar’s Palace. I loved the extensive details in recreating the roman architecture. It was beautiful. As a former Art History student, I was enthralled.
They even have a life-size replica of Michelangelo’s David, made from the same marble as the original.
Michaelangelo purposely made this disproportionate as it was supposed to me placed high above on a roof in Florence, so that all could see it.
The sculpture is designed to show David’s warrior soul, not actual physical age, that is why is so muscular and strong. It was also designed to be right before he throws the slingshot, his face in fierce contemplation. It is amazing the way Michelangelo is able to create life out of stone.
The Flamingo is the oldest casino on the strip. It was created by the mobster Bugsy Siegal and his friends and the reason for his death. It was taking too long to build, using too much money, and many believed Bugsy was skimming off the top. Never try to cheat the mob, they will always take you out.
The Paris Casino was also amazing as it tried hard to replicate the city-from the Arc de Triomphe, to the “cobblestone” floors, to the Rococo style artwork and Salon furniture.
Wow
And it was cool looking at the Bellagio first hand instead of just a movie, like Ocean’s Eleven.
But there was one big disappointment for me.
So you all know how much I love Elvis, I am a super fan.
So I was looking for an Elvis themed souvenir in all the souvenir shops on the strip. But I couldn’t find anything!
I know, right?! I searched every where and was getting desperate…at this point I would have bought anything.
But there was nothing, nada, zip!
I know, crazy! No Elvis in Vegas! No nothing! Not even an impersonator! Not a copy of the film Viva Las Vegas!
Oh well, I could probably find something cheaper online.
But hey, just because I missed out doesn’t mean you should. So Elvis, take us out:
So Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! You all know what Saint Patrick’s mean on this blog, another 17 Irish heroes.
Once again it was difficult trying to find 17, but I started last November and finally completed it. Here we go!
17) Patrick from The Accidental Husband
New York Fireman Patrick (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is about to marry the girl of his dreams; that is until her mind is changed by a relationship radio host, Emma Lloyd (Uma Thurman). Patrick becomes so enraged after his fiancé leaves him that he decides to get revenge on Emma. Emma is also about to get married, making a big tadoo about the event. Patrick has his friend hack into the courthouse files and make it so that Emma is already married, and married to Patrick. When Emma finds out, she goes to Patrick to try to get an annulment. Patrick, in Overboard style, starts off trying to antagonize Emma, but ends up falling for her. But will he be able to figure out a way to win Emma away from her fiancé? And what will happen when Emma discovers the truth about their “marriage”?
Why Patrick is Awesome:
If you can move past the fact that this actor plays Dean and Sam Winchester’s incredibly absent father and his whole revenge plot-plus all the other awful things he does…I guess he’s a pretty cool guy. The scene with the cake tasting is just adorable. I could see why a girl would fall for him, maybe. I’m sorry I really just needed a #17 and he was okay.
16) Kevin O’Reilly from Star Trek: The Original Series
In Star Trek the mission of the Starship Enterprise is to go boldly where no man has gone before, to explore strange new worlds, and to seek out new life and new civilizations. The crew has many adventures as they meet all kinds of races and encounter all types of creatures.
Why Kevin O’Reilly is awesome:
Kevin O’Reilly is not a well known Star Trek character, mostly because he was only in a few episodes in the series. O’Reilly worked as a navigator and was later put in engineering. He was a silly kind of guy, fun and the comic relief.
15) F. Scott Fitzgerald from Midnight in Paris (2011)
Gil is a wealthy, Hollywood, screenwriter who suffers from severe nostalgia. He wishes he could be a novelist, but even more so one in the 1920s, like his heroes F. Scott Fitzgerald or Ernest Hemingway. He and his girlfriend are visiting Paris and one night he is out walking around after midnight when he is approached by a 1920s Peugeot Type 176 car. The people are dressed in 1920s clothing and Gil goes with them. He finds himself traveling back in time and meeting some of his favorite artists; such as Salvador Dali, F.Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Pablo Picasso, Zelda Fitzgerald, Cole Porter, Josephine Baker, and Gertrude Stein.
Why F. Scott Fitzgerald is awesome:
I love F. Scott Fitzgerald’s work, The Great Gatsby being one of my favorite novels. The reason why I choose this representation of Fitzgerald was that I thought Tom Hiddleston captured the sweet personality, dreamer, people pleaser, and all of his insecurities he had. I thought he also did a great job showing his two loves: writing and Zelda; and how the two did not always meld well, sometimes being toxic for the other.
The Baby-Sitters Club books, films, and TV series followed a group of 8th and 6th graders who own their own baby-sitting business. Besides baby-sitting they do normal teenage things, solve crimes, fight racism, and more. It was a series from my childhood that I just loved reading.
Why Stacey is awesome:
Stacey McGill moves from New York to Connecticut because of her dad’s transfer. She is cool, sophisticated, and mature; yet not snobbish or rude. She is also kind, compassionate, and helpful. She does have a few faults; like being boy-crazy and letting other plans slide for the guys in her life. However, she is always there when you really need her. She leaves the BSC for a bit, tempted by what she thinks are “cooler” people, but eventually realizes her mistakes and works on being accepted back into the group. I always liked Stacey’s books as she had interesting stories; such as old friends growing apart, divorce, dealing with her diabetes, letting go of a need to control, etc. Plus her outfits were always interesting.
13) Betty O’Shale from Flintstones Viva Rock Vegas
This prequel tells the story of how Fred, Barney, Wilma, and Betty all met. Wilma Slaghoople has had enough of her rich lifestyle. She escapes to Bedrock and meets Betty, who mistakes her as a caveless woman in need, and decides to open her home to her. Meanwhile, Barney and Fred have started work at the rock quarry and are both hoping to meet the women of their dreams. They meet Betty and Wilma at the burger joint, and soon are spending all their time with each other. But when Wilma’s past comes out, Fred starts feeling insecure. And when they travel to Vegas they get into all kinds of shenanigans: gambling, rock stars, showgirls, wrestling, etc.
Why Betty is Awesome:
Betty is incredibly kind and sweet. She is willing to open her home to a stranger and help out all she can. Besides her kindness to Wilma, she also helps out at food shelters and helps feed the homeless. Betty is the best friend you could ever have; wonderful to all she meets.
This film-noir film is based on a true story. Eleven years earlier, a cop was killed when visiting a speakeasy. Two men were tried and convicted for the murder. In modern day, an ad by a Polish washerwoman giving $5000 for information of who the real killer was bring Reporter P.J. McNeal on the story. At first McNeal is extremely skeptical, but as he talks to the inmate and researches the case he starts to believe him and try to find a way to free him.
Why P.J. is awesome:
P.J. is first of all played by Jimmy Stewart, so he is gorgeous. But the most important traits are that he is intelligent, dogged, compassionate, and kind. He may be skeptical, but when he decides to back something he truly gives it his all; doing everything he can to help this man. Even at times risking his own career and good name to search out the truth.
11) Brian O’Conner from The Fast and the Furious Franchise
Oh, Paul Walker. You were gone too soon. I’ve always had a crush on Paul Walker, but the film that really cemented it was his portrayl in The Fast and the Furious.
Brian O’Conner is an FBI agent sent undercover to investigate whether a group of car racers is stealing from trucks. It takes a while, but he infiltrates the group; befriending the racers.
He ends up getting too close and losing his objectivity and job. In the sequel he is a racer only now, but is asked by the FBI to come on a case. Afterwards, he is brought back to the FBI, but leaves it for his friends.
Why Brian O’Conner is awesome:
Brian is nice, intelligent, and attractive. However, his best trait is that he is the most loyal man you will ever meet. Brian cares about his friends and will do anything to help them, even sacrificing his job and reputation.
Mary’s mother has just passed away so she travels to Jamaica Inn to stay with her cousin Patience. While there she discovers that the Inn is thought to be haunted and full of unsavory characters. To makes things even worse, her cousin is married to an abusive and lecherous man, Joss. As she is trying to settle in, she discovers that her uncle is actual part of a ring of pirates, taking out the lighthouse and salvaging from the ships. She saves one from being hanged and finds herself on an adventure she never dreamed of.
Why Mary is awesome:
Mary is incredibly kind, brave, bold, and assertive. She will not stand for the way Joss treats her or her cousin Patience, standing up to him in every way. When she sees that Jem Trehearne is about to be hanged, she saves his life even though it may cost her own.
Las Vegas is a TV show about a group of people running the fictional Montecito Hotel & Casino Resort in Las Vegas. They deal with the usual issues: staff problems, card counters, performers, chefs, etc; along with helping each other in personal problems. The one thing that made the show lovable, although completely unrealistic, is that all the people enjoyed helping others and would go the extra mile. Because it is Las Vegas, we also get amazing cameos: Wayne Newton, Jean-Claude Van Damm, Sylvester Stallone, etc.
Why Danny is awesome:
Isn’t this man dreamy? Anyways, Danny was simply amazing and the type of guy you want. He was born and raised in Las Vegas, but left to join the Marines. He returns and works for Ed in security. Danny is sweet, adorable, protective, loving, etc. Most of all Danny has a huge heart and is always willing to help others out, something that makes him almost fall for a scheme, like two women trying to take his father’s inheritance. But even though he is sweet, you don’t want to mess with him as he can just as easily take you out.
8) Tom Hagen from The Godfather (1972) & The Godfather: Part II (1974)
In The Godfather, Vito Corleone is the father of five children: Santino, Alfredo, Connie, and Michael; along with adopted Irish son Tom Hagen. While everyone is involved in the family business, Michael wants no part. That is, until the Godfather is injured, soon everyone is doing all they can to protect the family.
In Part II, we are split between Vito’s story of his immigration and the next steps Michael takes of being the Godfather. It’s not easy as he is trying to expand into Cuba, go legitimate, and protect the family.
Why Tom Hagen is awesome:
While Sonny is the brash and tough one, Fredo the incompetent, Connie the high strung, and Michael cool-headed and clever; Tom is the reliable one. He’s the best businessman out of the family; always thinking, calculating, and planning what can be best for the family.
Tom cares strongly for his family, doing anything he can for his parents, brothers, and children. Out of everyone in the whole family he is the only one who achieved exactly what his parents wished he would, staying focused on the goals of being a lawyer and aiding his family.
Lucy works at a toll booth, but dreams of something more. She also dreams of the guy who passes through her booth every day, Peter Callaghan. One day he gets roughed up and thrown before an upcoming train. Lucy saves him and through a mistake, she is also believed to be his fiancé. As Peter is in a coma, the Callaghan family welcomes Lucy into the fold. But as Lucy spends more time with the Callaghans, she starts to fall for the other brother; Jack. What will Lucy do when Peter wakes up?
Why Jack is awesome:
Jack is a great older brother who always wants to believe the best in his younger brother. He is also kind, charming, sweet, encouraging, and a dream date. Not only does he care for Lucy, but he also listens to her thought, hopes, and dreams; doing all he can to make them come true.
Dr. Henry “Hank” McCoy is extremely eloquent, brilliant, and well-educated. He has degrees in science, biochemistry, genetics, mathematics, along with being well versed in art and literature. His powers are agility and beastlike strength. He was part of the original X-Men; alongside Angel, Iceman, and Marvel Girl and Cyclops. He looked human before, but later after an accident he turns blue and looks more werewolf/bestial.
Why Hank is awesome:
Hank is the perfect gentleman and everything you’d want in a guy. He sweet, romantic, intelligent, educated, strong, and adorable. I’m not sure what more I can say about his many merits.
5) Marshall Mike Meagher from “Wichita’s New Year’s Day Gunfight” from Draw: The Greatest Gunfights of the American West by James Reasoner
This book is a collection of the West’s most famous and greatest gunfights. Covers everyone from the Earps to Bat Masterson, to the Younger Brothers and Pinkertons, etc.
This particular passage tells of Marshall Meagher’s cleaning up of Wichita and the famous gunfight against Sylvester Powell.
Why Marshall Mike Meagher is awesome:
Marshall Mike Meagher was elected to clean up the town of Wichita which was horribly wild and out of control. In fact he did such a great job and destroyed the bad reputation, that the city officials ousted him out as they felt he was doing too good a job. However, their interference didn’t last long, as the people wanted him back.
Now Marshall Meagher was an amazing gunslinger, a crackshot, intelligent, brave, and just incredible.
So the most famous gunfight was the New Year’s Day gunfight. One night when he was making rounds he came upon Sylvester Powell, horse-thief. Marshall Meagher confronted him, and arrested him. However, Powell was freed by the company and then went out to look for the Marshall for revenge. While Marshall Meagher was in the outhouse, Powell shot it up, but only managed to hit him in the leg. Marshall Meagher burst out and was then hit in the hand, but even though that happened he still was kicking, shooting after Powell. Powell took off down the street, out running the Sheriff who already suffered from a limp and now had a wounded leg.
Powell had slowed down and was casually walking when all of a sudden he heard his name being called. He turned around and there was Marshall Meagher; who then shot him right in the heart.
Boom! What an amazing guy; limping, shot twice; and still gets his quarry. What a hardcore hero.
4) Franklin “Foggy” Nelson from Daredevil
Daredevil is the comic book that follows a blind boy turned superhero, Matt Murdock aka the Daredevil. He lives in Hell’s Kitchen, New York; and works hard as a lawyer by day with his friend and partner in the practice, Franklin “Foggy” Nelson.
Why Foggy is awesome:
Now I’m a big fan of the older Daredevil comics, but the Foggy in those was a bit…annoying. It wasn’t that he was rude, whiny, or mean; he was just always pitying Matt all the time. It got old quick. He also was a rich kid and not a vert good lawyer, using Matt’s talent to help his own insufficiency.
However, in Netflix’s revamping I like the improvements on the Foggy character. In this Foggy is a great lawyer, not as good as Matt; but intelligent and able to hold his own. He also is not some silly rich kid, but the son of a butcher doing all he can to achieve his dreams. I think this makes his character stronger and more equal to Matt. He also is less pitying in this than the orginal comics. While he feels bad for Matt’s lack of sight, he is also the one person that doesn’t treat Matt as if he’s handicapped, but as a regular person.
3) Calvin O’Keefe from A Wrinkle in Time Series and The O’Keefe Family Series.
So I’m not quite sure how to describe these two series but I will do my best.
So A Wrinkle in Time Series involves Calvin O’Keefe, Meg Murray, and her younger brother Charles Wallace involved in a huge adventure to stop an evil force from destroying planets. They are taken through space, time, and dimensions. In the sequel Meg and Calvin travel into Charles’ body in order to save him from destroyers trying to erase his existence.
In the O’Keefe series; Calvin is all grown up and married to Meg with children. In the first book he is working on an experiment when his intern Adam arrives, unsure whether he should trust Dr. O’Keefe or turn him in to a spy orginaization. In the second book, the O’Keefe family save a young boy from a horrible plot and attempted murder whilst on a ship in the ocean.
Why Calvin is awesome:
Calvin was raised in a very large Irish family with a father who is abusive and a mother who doesn’t care as she is dissatisfied with her life. Calvin has grown up never feeling loved or cared for; except a few teachers and the school librarian who has encouraged his love of learning.
He meets Meg, Charles, and the family; finding a place of belonging. Like Calvin, those two also have trouble finding their place with normal people as their intellect or attitude cause major roadblocks.
Besides being intelligent, Calvin is also caring and compassionate. When Meg and Charles become his friend, his loyalty and care with protecting them knows very little bounds. And when Meg has problems controlling her temper; Calvin is able to help her realign her feelings and help her express kindness toward others.
And in spite of all the odds, Calvin not only achieves immense scientific and financial success; but he is an amazing father and wonderful husband.
In Star Trek the mission of the Starship Enterprise is to go boldly where no man has gone before, to explore strange new worlds, and to seek out new life and new civilizations. The crew has many adventures as they meet all kinds of races and encounter all types of creatures.
Why Bones is awesome:
So I love Karl Urban as Bones, but I felt that it was only right to go with the original. Bones is a medical doctor, appointed to the USS Enterprise under Captain Kirk. He was divorced before he joined the ship, and later remarried.
The best thing about Bones is his wit and sarcastic nature. I love all his sayings, I mean every word that drops from his mouth is just so sassy and fun. He is so hilarious and part of the dream team that made Star Trek a hit.
He cares deeply for Captain Kirk, seeing him as a brother. This causes a strained relationship with Spock as Bones doesn’t like to see him trying to horn in on his buddy. However, the two at times overcome those issues and have moments of friendliness.
1) Rick O’Connell from The Mummy (1999) & The Mummy Returns (2001)
Thousands of years ago a priest was sentenced to the worst death for betraying his Pharaoh. He vowed he would rise again. Now in 1920s Egypt, librarian Evie and her brother have found a map that leads to the hidden city rumored to have the best treasure imaginable. It turns out that Evie’s brother stole them, making the two have to recruit the original owner, ex-foreign legion soldier, and American; Rick O’Connell. It turns out that they aren’t the only ones after it, and when they arrive in the city they awaken their worst nightmare, the mummy.
In the sequel it is about eight years later, Evie and Rick are married and have a son. When their son looks into something he shouldn’t and helps awake the scorpion king; the O’Connell’s once again have to travel to Egypt, this time racing against time and a reawakened mummy.
Why Rick O’Connel is awesome:
First of all, Rick is played by Brendan Fraser and I don’t care what anyone else says; he is super hot! Yes I love Brenden Fraser and everything he has ever been in.
So back to Rick, not only was Rick completely hardcore in his intelligence, strength, and crackshot abilities; but he is just one awesome warrior. He does start off a little rude, as his complete loss of his group of soldiers has made him unhappy and not want to be a part of life. But being with Evie has reawakened his compassion and made him want to not only help but protect her. He is an amazing adventurer and hero.
In the sequel we see Rick as a father, and he is a truly dreamy one. Not only the perfect husband, wiling to do anything to help and protect his wife; but will go to any lengths to protect and aid his son. We also once again see his warrior prowess as he battles the scorpion king and the mummy.
So that ends my list for this year. You all know what I’ll be doing with the rest of my day. Eating some soda bread made by my sister blog, MysteriousEats.wordpress.com. And my yearly tradition, watching the Disney Channel Original Movie: The Luck of the Irish.
One of the most painful things I have ever been through.
So Friday morning I had to wake up early so I could take the valium and the other drug an hour before the procedure. Now I have heard all kinds of stories from my friends about weird things they say or did while on the drugs, but I was pretty normal. The only issues I had was when I walked. I kept bending my knees lower than I needed to, like a monkey. Or Tarzan.
When we got in the office and I paid and answered some questions, they could tell I was walking funny. and they made me sit down. Not too long after they made me move from the waiting room to another room,until it was time for surgery. I guess I was too loud on my comments of the Frankenfish, they were showing on TV. All I said was that I wouldn’t call it after Frankenstein as that story didn’t end well.
Afterwards they went over the rules I’d have to follow following the surgery was and took me into the room where they were going to operate on my mouth. Now as I was to have all four removed I had opted for anesthesia. So they hooked me up to all these machines, monitoring my heart and blood pressure. Now another side effect for me with the drugs was that I started acting like a little kid. I was like Josh Baskin from Big.
I was all what’s that for? Why are you doing that? And on and on. I really annoyed the technician.
Then they got ready to put the IV in. Now I HATE needles, so I was freaking out the whole time screaming (internally).
I tried taking some deep breaths and then knocked out.
I then woke up in another room in a gurney the operation over
They took me home in which I immediately knocked out.
Now when I became fully awake, boy did my mouth hurt. In fact a lot of ways its like having your period in your mouth. You are intensely sore, you are bleeding a lot and have to change out these pads. And you are in sooo much pain all you want is medication.
The only good thing was that my cat stayed by my side. Thank you Ginger.
Now a lot of people say they get chipmunk size swelling, but mine wasn’t too bad. I pretty much looked like Michael Corleone after he got punched in the face.
The worst thing about getting my wisdom teeth out now is that I’ll be missing out on Thanksgiving. Oh, well. At least I’ll still be able to have pie!
Right. I’m the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.
So I’m sure a lot of you are surprised. What Buffy the Vampire Slayer is this? Well before we had this:
We had this:
In 1992, Joss Whedon’s idea of a Californian cheerleader finding out she was actually the vampire slayer of her generation, came to theaters. Only one problem, Whedon HATED it.
In fact he hated it so much, that he was reported to walk off set one day and never come back.
Five years later, Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series came out, one that stayed true to his “vision”.
So What Went Wrong?
Apparently the screenwriters felt that Whedon’s story was too dark and depressing. They wanted it to be more of a horror-parody comedy, kind of like Heathers with vampires instead of a homicidal maniac. Whedon wasn’t interested in that, as you can tell with his much darker TV series.
Joss Whedon to a T
So Is this Film Bad?
Let’s get down to the review and find out:
The film starts out with a historical piece. A medieval woman who has the birthmark (a mole), proving she is the Vampire Slayer of this generation. We switch from a very serious moment of her asking to “become the blade”.
And fighting Vampires.
And then we switch to Los Angeles and a group of cheerleaders chanting.
And Miss Buffy Summers, cheerleader extraordinaire, fashionista, and a total valley girl.
Yeah, that is pretty much the essence of the movie. They try to pin together opposites. And is it horrible? No. I love it. It is so quirky and funny. And come on, a cheerleader by day and vampire slayer ay night? That’s awesome.
So as I’m reading the credits and as I have seen this movie before I didn’t think think I would see anything important, but then Paul Reubens…wait, what?!
Pee-Wee is in a teen film? Pee-Wee Herman is in a vampire film? PEE-WEE?!!! PEE-WEE??!!! PEE-WEE HERMAN is in a TEEN VAMPIRE FILM?
How could I have missed that? Huh. And Hilary Swank? Ugh! I hate her. Ever since she ruined the Karate Kid series.
This was supposed to be her first film, so maybe she won’t be too bad. So Buffy and the gang go to the mall, shopping!
And there is something you might notice in this scene. While this movie came out in 1992, we hadn’t completely crossed over from the ’80s. You can kind of see it in the stonewash, abundance of leather, and in the “gothic” clothes of the vampire and “uncool” crowd, but most of it looks like this:
And I LOVE IT!
Anyways, so at the mall the girls are shopping when Buffy spots this totally rad jacket. And let me tell you, Buffy has a great sense of style
Her friend Kimberly (Hilary Swank), and let me just stop her and say that unless you are a pink ranger, having the name Kimberly means you are EVIL. I don’t know why, it just seems to be a trait that carries on with a name.
Anyways, she convinces her that the jacket is ugly and so yesterday.
When she is not shopping, she spends her time out with her jocky boyfriend, Jeffrey.
Jeffery is on the basketball team and one day after practice, his group splits up. Jeffery is heading over to hang out with Buffy, while two of the other guys go about town, and the last one, Robert heads home. And the route he chooses goes right through an abandoned amusement park.
Come on dude! You are going to go through an abandoned AMUSEMENT PARK????!!!!!! You are just asking to be killed.
And of course, he gets attacked by a Vampire and turned. Good-bye Robert.
Good-bye
So Jeffery is alright, but not altogether that interesting and handsome. Sorry dude, Luke Perry of the “uncoolness squad” is much better looking.
Luke Perry plays Pike, a leather wearing, motorcycle driving, mechanic. He lies above the garage that he works at. He is very dissatisfied with life him, only having one friend, Bennie (wonder if it is a nickname after the drugs, wouldn’t be surprised if it was), played by David Arquette (aw David, just can’t keep you out of Horrorfest). The boys spend most of their time drinking and making fun of those richer than them.
We then jump back to historical times so that we can get more of a background of Lothos. Lothos is the head Vampire that has destroyed every prior slayer. He is over 800 years old and has the power to hypnotize his enemies.
So for Buffy everything is going as usual. The only thing she has to worry about is the senior dance.
Buffy: [Trying to come up with an issues-related theme for their school dance] The environment.
Nicole: The homelesses?
Kimberly: [to Nicole] Oh, please.
Jennifer: Are there any good sicknesses that aren’t too depressing?
Buffy: Guys. The environment. I’m telling you, it’s totally key. The earth is in terrible shape, we could all die, and besides, Sting’s doing it.
You know that actually sounds difficult. From being on my high school’s prom comittee, I know that it is already hard enough trying to get the committee to come up with a theme and work on decorations and such. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to throw a “socially conscious” dance.
Buffy & co run into the uncoolness squad and there is definitely one thing this movie did wrong, they made the “undesirable” guys, undesirable. I mean come on, there is a formula to this thing! They are supposed to be secretly charming and adorable. Not pigs and boring because they have zero character development!
Both Pike and Bennie are super drunk and start hitting on the girls, incredibly gross style. Bennie even acts as if he is going to whip out his junk, and Buffy slices it.
Turns out it was just a hotdog, but it just goes to show you that Buffy is intense. I would not want to mess with her.
So one night as Benny is going home, he gets attacked by a vampire and turned. He goes to the window and tries to get Pike to come out and join him, but even in his alcohol induced state, Pike can tell something is not right.
Benny: Let me in, Pike. I’m *hungry*!
Pike: Go home, Ben.
Benny: [whining] C’mon I’m hungry.
Pike: You’re floating! C’mon, man, get away from here!
Pike can tell that things aren’t right and tries to leave the city, thinking anywhere is better than here. As he is fleeing town, he luckily is saved by a creepy dude.
You look like a pervert but I guess thank you?
So life is going good for Buffy, until the same perverted-looking, old, creep comes to kidnap her.
Nah, it’s actually Donald Sutherland who is Buffy’s watcher, Merrick. But he looks like a pervert and sounds UBER CREEPY. He tells her that he can show her “the birthmark mole of slayer, if he can look on her body”, and “Come with me to the graveyard”.
Apparently Sutherland thought decided to rewrite his dialogue, I’m not sure which lines but I’m guessing these ones as they suck. He’s creepier than Nicholas Cage in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
I mean did he not hear himself? Did he not hear how creepy he SOUNDS?!!!!!!!
The idea to update to a kindly, well-dressed, English, librarian was just perfect.
Buffy still doesn’t believe him. To prove it, Merrick tosses a knife at her and Buffy catches it.
Buffy: You threw a knife at my head!
Merrick: Yes, I had to show you.
Buffy: But… you *threw* a *knife* at my *head.*
Merrick: And you caught it. Only the chosen one could have caught it.
This scene is amazing. This is some Aragorn-awesomness right here.
So Buffy agrees to go down to the graveyard and wait for Robert to come out so she can kill him. Say what you want about this movie, but you have to admit this Buffy is pretty awesome. She’s tough, intense, and extremely brave.
While they are waiting, Buffy gets bored and asks him for gum.I don’t know why, but that line just cracks me up.
I think it is because Merrick is all super serious and trying to get Buffy to understand what’s happening, but Buffy is just bored.
Robert awakes and Buffy has to fight and take him down.
Buffy may come off as a a stupid, silly cheerleader, but she can seriously kick butt. When Merrick gets attacked, Buffy takes out, not one but two Vampires.
Afterwards, Buffy heads home for some serious relaxing with her boyfriend Jeffrey. There we meet her parents who are so out of it. Like in the film, Heathers, they are just selfish and only into themselves.
Buffy’s Mom: Bye-Bye Bobby!
Jeffrey: Bye! She thinks my name is Bobby?
Buffy: It’s possible she thinks *my* name’s Bobby.
I’m not sure which is worse, to have parents who completely ignore you and don’t seem to care a whit, OR a parent that ignores you most of the time, while punishing you the rest (Joyce Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series).
So her parents go on their merry way, an Buffy + Jeffery spend the night together.
We know what they’re doing
Later that night Buffy awakes to a strange man in her bed.
As Lothos is wakening, the past lives of Slayers are flooding into her and crossing over to her world. It is a very weird scene and for a while keeps you guessing as to what is real and what is all in her head.
So Buffy and Merrick begin her training. Merrick is really hard on her as they have to make up their years of training. I just wonder who’s fault is that?
They never explain why Merrick is just approaching Buffy now either. And since we are on the topic, Merrick sucks! He’s creepy, rude, and mean. He keeps pushing Buffy and blaming her, when she’s still trying to get her head around the fact that her life is completely different.
Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now it may not sound too great to a sconehead like you, but I think it’s swell. And you come along and tell me I’m a member of the hairy mole club so you can *throw* things at me?
Oh ’90s. When everyone was in love with Christian Slater. I know I was.
Sorry for that, moving back on track.
So Buffy is upset with Merrick as he is pushing her too hard and punches him out.
Buffy is a total knockout, literally as it only took one punch to take Merrick down.
Buffy: Oh, wow. I-I never hit anybody before.
Merrick: Really? Well you did it perfectly.
Buffy: I didn’t even break a nail.
Yep, Buffy is awesome!
Merrick gives her some background information on Slayers and Watchers. A slayer is born every generation, being reincarnated when killed (so if you watch the beginning again you’ll notice that Kristy Swanson plays the historical slayer). Merrick trains the girls, watches them die, and then when his life is up he is reincarnated into Merrick the watcher again. A very sad existence if you ask me.
After this we get a training montage, Rocky style.
Buffy has accepted everything and gets super into her training. You know it’s actually not that far-fetched that a cheerleader could be this totally awesome fighter. To be a cheerleader you have to do gymnastics, lift weights; it can be INTENSE. And with Buffy, she works hard.
She’s also been hunting at night with Merrick, and one night runs into Pike.
So because of all her training, she’s been missing practices and dance committee meetings. As always in a teen movie, the principal assumes it’s drugs.
Gary: [Thinking Buffy is doing drugs] Hey, there’s nothing to be afraid of! I know where you’re coming from. Believe me. I’ll tell you the truth. I’ve had my drug experiences, too. I did a lot – I did some acid in the Sixties. Well, the late Seventies, actually. It was at a Doobie Brother’s concert… and I could see the music flowing into me, it was bright red and electric, and I felt like a big toaster, and I thought, maybe I am a toaster, we’re all molecules, and my friend Melissa, her head looked like a big party balloon, and that scared me, I started to freak out…
The sad thing is that this is probably the only thing in a teen film that actually resembles reality. When people in power act as if they are a “pal”. Ugh.
So Buffy is really starting to feel the pressure of everything. She has Merrick constantly pushing her to do more and more; otherwise she won’t be ready and die. She has her boyfriend tired of the fact that she can’t spend her time with him, constantly getting mad at her. And she has her friends who don’t understand at all.
Kimberly: Buffy? What’s your sitch? You’re acting like the thing from another tax bracket. It’s too weird.
Buffy: Listen, a lot’s been going on you guys, okay? And I really wanted to talk to you guys about it. See, um, a couple of weeks ago, I met this guy-…
Kimberly: Oh my god, you’re having an affair?
Nicole: Cool!
Jennifer: Does Jeffrey know?
Buffy: It’s not about that. He’s, like, old. He’s fifty.
Kimberly, Nicole, Jennifer: Ewwwww!
Jennifer: Gross!
Buffy: Haven’t you guys noticed what’s been going on here? The strange things? Have you noticed people disappearing, turning up dead?
Nicole: What are you talking about?
Kimberly: Weird? You mean like hanging around with that homeless Poke?
Buffy: Pike.
Nicole: [gasp] Eww, you’re having an affair with him?
Jennifer: He doesn’t look fifty.
Buffy: Guys, I think reality stepped out of here about five minutes ago.
Yep, the pressure is mounting and to combat it, she goes Shawn Spencer on Merrick, quipping right and left.
Buffy: Does the word “duh” mean anything to you?
I love how sassy she is.
To make everything worse, it looks like Buffy’s period has come.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
but it turns out that it is just her Slayer sense.
Man that would suck.
Merrick: And you’re going to be able to use that to track them.
Buffy: Great. My secret weapon is PMS. That’s just terrific. Thanks for telling me.
Merrick: It’s not a weapon. It’s an alert system.
Buffy: Well, aren’t we kung fu? I don’t see you out there killing any vampires.
Merrick: I play my part.
Buffy: You can play with your part all you want, but it’s my neck on the block.
That night Pike is wandering around inebriated. And let me tell you I am totally not digging Luke Perry. He’s cute but that’s not enough. All we’ve seen so far is him getting high, drunk, and be nasty.
Now this is where the TV did a better job. Every person had a backstory. I mean when they brought Angel on to the show, they started him mysterious and cool, and then revealed his tragic backstory. We need MORE! We NEED a backstory! We NEED development!
One night Pike is drunk, AGAIN, and gets attacked by vampires. Luckily Merrick and Buffy are there. They save his life, AGAIN. As you have probably figured out, with Buffy being the totally awesome Slayer, Pike is her damsel in distress. I mean it’s not like he doesn’t do anything, he helps Buffy fight, becoming her partner, but still gets into trouble a lot. He’s the Sam Winchester to her Dean.
After the help him, they defeat Lothos’ right hand man Amilyn, by pulling a Star Wars and cutting off his arm. Amilyn returns to the vampire lair, with the knowledge of Buffy being the Slayer.
Meanwhile, Buffy takes Pike to her home. Pike is homeless (hence the fact that he was working as a mechanic for a home). The thing that really bothers me is that we never find out why. Were his parents horrible and he emancipated himself? Did they die? Is he an orphan? WHAT IS HIS BACKSTORY!!!!!!!!
Sorry about that. Back to the film.
So at Buffy’s home, Pike starts going on how awesome she is, but Buffy is having a hard time keeping it together. She breaks down on and lets out all her feelings.
And while we haven’t had too much development other than he’s from “the wrong side of town” and a drunk, he just listens to everything she has to say. He doesn’t try to take advantage of her, put the moves on her-nope. All he does is listen.
How sweet.
Instantly redeemed.
So the next day, Buffy is back to doing what she normally does. She is trying to hang out with her friends but the spawn of Satan, Kimberly (I’m telling you, don’t name your children that.)
Has turned them agaist her. Her boyfriend is also mad and avoiding her.
And some football player grabs her for fun.
But Buffy is not having any of that. She totally takes him down, making him learn his lesson.
Don’t mess with me!
Not kidding, after doing that this is what he says with a straight face: “I see the errors of my ways.” Hilarious & awesome!!!!
So something you might have noticed, is that there a quite a few people who have been turned into vampires. It is mostly those on the low side of the totem pole, you know the unpopulars. But there are a few popular kids too. I just wonder how no one has noticed. Well…I guess they do look pretty normal most of the time.
Hmmm….
So Buffy is going back to her regular schedule as there is a basketball game.
They do the cheer “how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose”. Now years back when I was in middle school and only a select few had cellphones that could not get on the internet, and you couldn’t get on the school computers unless for schoolwork, people came to me with their movie questions. Now I know what you’re thinking:
But it wasn’t like that. Although how AWESOME would that be?????!!!! SUPER AWESOME!!!!!
Anyways you all know how much I love film,
Well everyone at school did too. So one of the girls was a cheerleader and they were bringing back the “how funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose” cheer. She knew it was a famous cheer and came to to find out which film it was from. I couldn’t remember the film it was first in, and when I saw this film years later i was like “of course, duh.” Oh well.
oh well
Anyways, back to the game. So Buffy is cheerleading when she notices something weird. One of the players looks completely different. It turns out that one of the guys has been turned, and as the adreneline starts pumping he starts vamping out.
And as he does so, he also starts becoming an awesome basketball player. I guess like in Teen Wolf, becoming something not human increases basketball skills?
Buffy is the only one to realize that he’s a vampire and ends up chasing him down. She finds herself in some weird place which is Lothos hideout. This is the worse place for a lair. I’m not kidding. Like there is a giant horse plant structure, and the whole place is just too obvious to be a secret hideout. Then again this is the most flamboyant Vampire I have ever seen, and he doesn’t care what others think of him.
Buffy meets Lothos and begins fighting with him, when he puts her in a trance and is about to kill her.
Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
Merrick can’t stand that and interferes. A big watcher NO-NO. Watchers are supposed to train and then watch, no interfering.
And Lothos can’t have that. So he kills him.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????!!!!!!!!! THEY JUST KILLED THE WATCHER!!!!! CAN THEY DO THAT???
He’s not really dead is he? Is he? He is! He is DEAD???!!! WHAT??!!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED???!!!
Lothos and his horde leave, while Buffy hears Merrick’s dying words. He tells her she’s special and to d things HER way.
Buffy is shocked at the death and completely heartbroken.
She sufferes from shock of everything and wants to be done slaying. It scares her and hurts her and she just wants out.
She tries to hang out with her friends, but just finds them shallow and vapid. They are also selfish as they don’t want to invite every senior to the dance. Just the cool ones. She yells at them and takes off.
Her boyfriend is still ignoring her as well. She decides she is just going to be a “normal” girl and goes shopping for a dress. While she is searching for the perfect gown, she runs into Pike. The two have a huge fight as Pike can’t believe she is backing out and letting the world down.
Pike: Buffy, you’re the guy. You are the chosen guy.
Buffy: Right. I’m the chosen one. And I choose to be shopping.
Buffy just wants to be in denial as she is too scared. If she fights she will get hypnotized and die, maybe causing the death of others. If she doesn’t fight then Lothos and his group might kill a ton of people. What’s a girl to do.
After the two storm off, we discover that Benny has been hiding in the phone booth. He overheard everything and returns to the master to tell him all about it. When the master hears, he is estatic about the party and chooses it to be the best final moment of Buffy’s life.
So while Buffy is getting ready for the dance, Pike has decided to step up to the plate. He returns to his home above the mechanic shop, and grabs every bit of wood he can find, turning them into stakes.
Get ready for this!
So while I have complained about his lack of background (and it still bothers me) every scene after the one when he listened to Buffy he has risen up and up in my esteem.
How romantic
So Buffy goes to the dance and I absolutely love her outfit. She has her hair back in a no-nonsense bun, a beautiful puffy white dress, and boots. Yes boots.
It’s as if she subconsciously wanted to be ready in case something should happen. Her boots are actually white boxing boots
I can look pretty and feminine and kick butt.
It’s awesome how hardcore she is.
Take note Hollywood
So she goes over to her boyfriend, to ask why he didn’t pick her up for the dance. And it turns out that since she wasn’t around to give him what he wanted, he broke up with her on her machine and started dating her friend.
Buffy: You left me a message?
Jeffrey: You weren’t home! Like always.
Buffy: You broke up with my machine?
What a loser.
Come on, really? That’s so wrong. He’s a loser to the max. And how could her friend date him? That’s breaking the code!
The two leave to have sex in the parking lot and Buffy is left all alone. But not for long as Pike comes to the dance, dressed up in a button up shirt, slacks, and his leather jacket.
He brings Buffy flowers and asks her to dance with him.
How romantic
Okay, just gained 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 points! That was so sweet of him coming to the dance, especially since he’s not into that sort of thing but did it because he knew it would make her happy!
The Vampires come to the dance. Pike gives Buffy all his stakes and his jacket, while she rips her dress so it is shorter and doesn’t constrict movement. She runs to warn everyone to close the doors, as if we don’t invite them in they are unable to come. One problem, she forgot about an earlier conversation.
Buffy: Don’t worry. They can’t come in unless they’re invited.
Kimberly: I already invited ’em. [Buffy looks at her] They’re seniors!
Yes, Buffy was being a good person telling her friends to invite all seniors, and unknowingly just caused one huge problem.
Now when the Vampires come in we really reach a horror/comedy pinnacle. A Com-Ror as I like to say. It’s cheesy, but fun.
Except for the Vampire DJ, that was dumb.
So the fight begins. Some parts are silly, others creepy. I still haven’t gotten over seeing Pee-Wee Herman as a vicious vampire. It’s just does not compute that this is the same guy.
Benny tries to convince Pike to turn vampire, and in a bizarre way, channels Christian Slater’s character J.D from Heathers. Talking about people being sheep and this chaos is better, etc. That makes Pike his Winona/Veronica. The only problem is that Benny is nowhere near as hot.
So they kids inside are following Pike and Buffy’s lead trying to take down the vampires, while Buffy heads out to do a throwdown with Lothos.
She takes down Pee-Wee, his right hand man (horrible death scene) and heads down to Lothos. The two fight, with Buffy surprising him with a flame torch made out of hairspray and a cross.
AWESOME!!!
She then stakes him! BUFFY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She and Pike ride off on his motorcycle, as the dumb principal hands out detention slips to the dead vampires:
Gary: [Throwing detention slips on the dead vampires] Detention [Walks to another body]… detention [Walks to another body]… detention. [Throws 2 more slips on the same body. Says quickly]Detention, detention.
And the rest of the group is interviewed about what happened.
So How Does It Hold Up?
Some parts of it seem a bit underdeveloped, mainly backstories of the characters. And at times it can be cheesy or silly, but on a whole I loved it.
Yes, I LOVED IT!!!!! The series on a whole is better, as it has more time to devote to the characters, but this movie was awesome. Buffy is incredible.
It’s a great film if you are looking for something funny and silly, but with a horror twist.
